Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
I was sitting on my bed.
More specifically, I was sitting on my bed wearing more or less the same thing I’d been wearing for three days.
Fuzzy hot pink leggings, black camisole, fuzzy turquoise sweatshirt, thick socks.
I was reading Mari.
Actually, I was leafing through.
I am undecided about Mari. Her book, the life-changing magic of tidying-up came highly recommended by someone who knows how I think.
Mari says some things that are utterly brilliant. She says some things that make me sit up very straight and rethink my life. She also says some things that lead me to wonder whether perhaps she is not kind. Or, who knows, maybe kind isn’t relevant, and she is just one of those people who are born devoid of empathy.
Anyway, I am wary of taking advice from people who like to put things in order, who do not appreciate the wild beautiful aliveness of embracing chaos.
And I’m even more wary of taking advice from someone who seems to be baffled at how her family objected to her throwing their things away without permission and then lying about it.
However, I am paying attention, because I think she has some things I need to hear.
Spark joy.
Mari says to get rid of whatever does not spark joy, and I love this.
I love this phrase.
It makes me think of the ASL sign for joy, which so completely captures that bubbling up, the rising-up-from-heart welling-up up of it, the way that joy fills you and overflows. I am really into joy right now, and I am really into sparks.
And I think this is such a more vital clarifying question than most of the things people ask (“Have I used this in the last year?”) to determine what to let go of.
Yes, let us only have what sparks joy.
Let us remove those things (and people and traditions and habit-patterns of the mind) that do not spark joy.
This feels dangerous and true, and it excites me. This is relevant to my mission!
Belonging in…
And then Mari twists the knife:
“If sweatpants are your everyday attire, you’ll end up looking like you belong in them, which is not very attractive.”
Okay, so I HAVE FEELINGS, and also thank god this isn’t a quiz where the choices are Strongly Agree and Strongly Disagree, because… kind of both.
I mean, come on.
It’s winter. It’s cold. I like to feel cozy and snuggly, and wear the coziest snuggliest things. Sure, maybe they aren’t the most attractive things in the world, but look how comfy I am. There is a LOT to be said for the superpowers of that.
On the other hand, something I have learned from playing with costumes and identity during the last four years of doing Rally (Rally!) is that clothing choices can be wildly transformative. They change how I act, how I feel, how I perceive and am perceived (and perceive that I am perceived), how I interact with everything around me.
On the other other hand, I actually do want to belong in everything: options! When I’m at a fancy hotel, I want feel like I belong there. When I’m in a post office in a small town, I like to feel like I belong there too.
So I’m not opposed to the superpower of looking like I belong in sweats. At the same time…yes. That is not actually how I want to self-identify.
What do I want to belong in?
I don’t know.
What I really want, I think, right now, is to remove the versus in Gorgeous vs Comfortable, Sexy vs Snuggly, Beautiful vs Cozy.
I want to believe that I can have both, be both, belong in both at the same time.
So part of this is an attitude change, part of this is cultivating trust in my own knowing, part of this is finding clothing that has elements of all the things I want, instead of some of them.
What will help?
- Thinking about how I have solved this before, for example, while traveling and teaching. Dresses (soft stretchy fabrics) over leggings, with cozy but well-cut sweaters.
- Find a warm sexy winter robe or caftan
- Move somewhere warm…
I am also receptive to readers sharing ways they have solved this for themselves, or items of clothing they are especially fond of that fall into the category of comfy and attractive.
What do I know about my wish?
It is about much more than snuggly attractive things to wear while writing.
It is about removing the versus in more places in my life, undoing rules that say I can only have one aspect of [thing I want].
There are so many places in my life where I give up on X to have Y, when in fact there is no reason that I couldn’t find a solution that combines X and Y, and maybe even Z.
This scares me, and that’s okay.
What’s next.
Well, I have all kinds of monsters about this, with names like Don’t Be Greedy, and How Dare You Ask For More, and Try Being Grateful For What You Have.
I think it’s time to talk to them and make some safe rooms.
I also suspect that my closet already holds some good answers, and I’m going to look with new eyes.
What do I really want?
To belong in my life. To remember that I always belong in my life.
To feel outrageously glamorous, because that is fun, and also — for reasons that are yet unclear to me — it helps me get more creative in my work.
To lovingly challenge and dissolve internal rules about How Things Have To Be and That’s Just The Way It Is.
And, as I seem to wish every week: To trust my instincts more. To trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.
Now.
I’m sitting cross-legged in bed, enjoying the colors of my bedroom. The rich orange of the comforter, the deep blue of a favorite blanket. The sunlight hitting the translucent curtains that are my version of a door.
My room has already solved the problem of sexy vs cozy, beautiful vs comforting. It is full of rich, vibrant colors and rich, vibrant textures, and it is my favorite place to be when I’m at home.
And, it took me a long time to get to this, so that is a good reminder too.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: This is a very good wish, it will help your dancing.
Me: It will?
She: Yes. Remember how writer you and dancer you are connected?
Me: Yes, but…
She: Start looking for the connections.
Clues?
From the film The Ideal Husband:
“It takes great courage to see the world in all its tainted glory and still to love it.”
I’m not sure what this is a clue for, but I recognized it as a clue.
The superpower of bringing light to the corners.
We’re in the month of Illumination, with the superpower of bringing light to the corners. And last month was Sovereignty, with the superpower of I do not wait in line for my own swing. They are related.
The thing I have been illuminating this week is just how much I compare myself to [everything], and how dearly I would like to be done with that. Thank you, clarity. Show me what’s next.
Ongoing wishes.
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- My body gets the deciding vote.
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
- I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me, I Am Okay With Being Seen, Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
Taking care of these seeds.
The intentions have been planted, the sails are set. Whatever intel, fruits or flowers emerge will be just right, whatever they are. Thank you in advance.
Now to nap on it, dance it, write it, play with it, take notes, skip stones, walk the labyrinth. Deep breaths, purple pills, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true. And a good costume change never hurts. Also eight breaths in eight directions:
Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka the surprisingly easy metamorphosis of iguanas into unicorns…
I cannot believe how well this wish turned out, I’m actually kind of in shock.
The iguanas were all transformed. Took some work, but totally worth it. The day at the dentist was significantly less horrible than I’d been imagining, the much-dreaded Lacy Hips op (anagram for physical) went great, and I completely solved the Christmas Is The Worst Day For Me dilemma by absconding to a secret undisclosed location for writing time aka Writing Chrysalis.
Monsters were a little worried about the money, but actually it cost less than most people spend on presents. And I don’t have to spend anything on recovering from trauma. And I finished THREE DIFFERENT WRITING PROJECTS, which is nothing less than spectacular.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
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I have emotion-color synesthesia, so the colors in my environment – including my clothes – *strongly* influence my moods, and what moods I *can* have. I had to get rid of all my big woolly sweaters in colors that made me depressed/despairing.
When I noticed that all the colors that correspond to Joy/Delight/Whimsy {code name: Amelia} are colors you see outside in the spring and early summer, but… I *need* to feel that mood even more when it’s late autumn & winter, I sought out *any* items of clothing I could find, in Amelia colors, and I now wear them year-round. I just layer more. Which means I can have lots more patterns, textures, too, so win-win.
P.S. Love love love “items that ‘spark joy’ ” as Joy is one of my organizing principles. 🙂
A wish: to pack light yet keep warm yet feel confident in my stylishness. And also enjoy to not wearing tights while on the road.
Some ways this could happen:
* sorting the stocking stash
* shawls and/or shrugs
* leave the concealer + powders at home but pack the favorite lip stain
Another wish: to feel fine about what I (don’t) choose to make/ study/connect/correct this next month.
What do I know? Permission slips are in the house. They aren’t soundproofing out the clamor of the urgency/diligence monsters, though.
What could I try?
Could I out-rockstar the noise? Tune it out by dancing with both more intent and more abandon?
What else? Habits
notwithstandingmay be part of my life at the moment, but I am not actually expected to lug around every tool for every contingency for everyone else ever.There is not space in the trailer for that much egofutilityFuture Me encourages agility.Magic and muchness (of the just-right kind) to all y’all.
“Ask much,” the voice suggested, and I startled. Feeling my body like the trembling body of a horse tied to its post while the strange sound passes over its ears.
I, who in extremity had always wanted less.
Even of eating. Of sleeping.
Agile, the voice did not speak again, but waited.
*Want more.* A cure for longing I had not thought of.
But that is how it is with wells. Whatever is taken out returns to the steady level.
The voice agreed, but softly, to quiet the feet of the horse.
A cup taken out, a cup returns. A bucketful taken, a bucket.
– Jane Hirshfield
I love to be comfortable at home, but I don’t think I have ever owned a pair of sweatpants. What works for me are those cliched, overpriced, overdone but utterly perfect yoga pants by the company with all the l’s in their name. Those + long tank top + Alternative Apparel wraps meet all the criteria I have for at home wear – utterly comfortable and useful, and cute and flattering for when the firemen come by for the umpteenth time this year because my neighbors can’t figure out how to cook without setting off the alarms.
I didn’t wish last week. And I don’t feel like wishing this week either. So I’ll just throw pennies into the fountain for everyone elses beautiful wishes!
Yay pennies! I had a pair of pants by the company with the l’s, and the waistband stretched out completely after not even a month, and they pilled like crazy, and I cried. However I have had luck with black workout pants from the equally embarrassing company that overuses X’s and rhymes with Angst. Your vision of Cute For Firemen works for me, and amen to all the superpowers of that.
Clothing…I have so many feelings about it that it’s hard to know where to begin. I suspect that most people would never guess it to look at me, but think a lot about clothing — mine, at least. It’s an area of my life in which I’ve needed to develop my sovereignty skills, and thus have really learned to dress for myself, not for anyone else. (One of my partners scarcely even notices what I wear, and the other has *such* strong opinions regarding What Is Proper that we’ve basically formed a tacit agreement not to talk about it.)
My wardrobe of choice (which I haven’t entirely achieved yet, but I’m working on it) is comprised mainly of soft cotton knits and flowy silken fabrics, in colors that, yes, spark joy. I really like to be able to move freely in my clothes, and I also like to feel that they flatter me. I generally like to pair close-fitting tops with flowing skirts and pants, or wear long tunic tops over close-fitting leggings. The *feel* of the fabric is vitally important to me. Oh, I could babble on about this for a very long time!
I have some big wishes this week, and they scare me, so I’m going to post a little one, and let it be a fractal flower for the others. Here it is: each day this week, I would like to make a list of three things I want to do that day, and then at some point during the day, I would like to do those three things. That’s all. That’s enough. <3
I just had a moment of “oh, yes. this.” with “get rid of whatever does not spark joy”
I think people look at “get rid of whatever does not spark joy” and see someone who doesn’t want to do the daily upkeep. But what I remember is that when I did work that nourished me, I relished even in the tedium.
I can do this. I think that will be my overarching motto for 2015.
spark joy – what a power phrase!
throwing in sparks of joyful wows in for everyone’s beautiful wishes.
clothing – I used to be a budget-conscious fashionista, then a Monster gang arrived – YouReTooOld, YouReTooOtherThing, GiveItUpNoOneNotices, and the hugely obnoxious WhyBother.
I had a Betsey Johnson dress a number of years ago made of plaid flannel, like a lumberjack shirt, only the dress was a really fashionable shape/style for the time. The bodice was made of thermal undershirt ribbed-kind of stretchy cotton material. It hugged my core, but was comfy like a thermal undershirt should be, The sleeves and skirt part were flannel, and the skirt was full-ish and hit just below the knees. I wore it to parties, I wore it to work, crawling on the floor running network cables and such. I felt hot in that dress, I was hot in that dress, and it was so so comfy. gah I miss that dress. I miss that me.
I’ve been on a Reboot, Recover, Reconfigure kind of path in recent times. I’m throwing a wish into the pot of wanting my clothing and also me *in* my clothing to spark joy for me.
Last week I was up to my earlobes in xmas iguanas. I led a whole group of them into a lush green jungle that iguanas only dream about, tossed them a lovely snack and said goodbye. No one died. The world did not come to an end. I’m breathing better. yay for wants, wishes, and taking care of iguanas.
Power phrase! Yeah! And that dress sounds LUSCIOUS. I want something like that too. And goodbye, iguanas!
Thank you! Sparking joy — that’s the guideline I need for the huge clearing out that I plan to do, that I am going to start in about eight minutes!
And that phrase “a Reboot, Recover, Reconfigure kind of path” sums up the path I want to follow in 2015. The word of the year is REST, and the feeling(s) I want is expansiveness and spaciousness. Rebooting and Reconfiguring will get me that feeling, and RESTing will help me Recover. Thank you, Rosie!
I have a declaration!
I am not interested in being attractive to anyone who does not find me attractive in comfortable clothing!
I don’t wear uncomfortable clothing. If I have to wear pants they better be stretchy and I better be able to move around in them. If someone looks at me in my comfortable clothes and thinks I am not attractive, my interest level in that person is NONE. Of course I belong in sweatpants! They’re my clothes! I acquired them because they’re comfortable and because it’s expected that I cover my lower body in public. I belong in whatever the fuck I decide to wear.
Gwishing this in all areas of my life. Comfort, sexiness, confidence, belonging.
I wholeheartedly agree with this! And I also wholeheartedly believe in the possibility that something exists in which I feel deliciously comfortable and attractive, and that my belonging in this is reflected in the rest of my life!
Huh! I would have some strong feelings over this author’s idea of throwing her family’s stuff away. (And by “strong feelings” I mean: “throw away the book, possibly on a raging fire”).
And for what is worth, Pinterest is full of photos of sexy women wearing white, chunky knit sweaters and holding cups of cocoa, and there’s invariably a man nearby waiting to marvel at their sexy-ness.
(I may be adding a few things from my own imagination…)
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Yes, this: Warm cuddly Comfortable clothes that *spark Joy*!!!
When DH3 crossed the Ultimate Threshold, I tried to get rid of my warm, comfortable (but Greige! Blyecch!) clothes, and replace things with Joyful-colored + Warm + Comfortable pieces. It is sooo hard to find them, though, without spending the rent money! (Sometimes, like in mid-winter, even IF you’re willing to spend the rent.)
Happy Joyful clothes to all!
Karen J
Wow, what beautiful wishes. High five to CQ!
I wish to be helpful, and you have asked.
After I left high school, I left dress codes (other people’s Best/Worst Dressed evaluations) behind. I quit shaving my legs. Not A Metaphor. Because I reasoned that I did not want a man who did not love my hairy legs. I wanted to Truly Be Me and attract someone who loved Me.
The Dude and I will celebrate our 35th anniversary of our wedding in 2015. He noticed, but it didn’t matter.
Oh, and what I wear out in winter are either my brown or my maroon hoodie and sweatpants or my green sweatshirt and sweatpants. I have a black, down-filled ski jacket, a green/purple jacket, a tan raincoat with hood, and a wool Princess Anastasia coat for Even colder weather.
I have khaki adventurer’s pants and jacket, baggies, turtlenecks and t-shirts for warmer weather. And the Costume Closet.
I am Always Comfortable.
I am aware that Others are evaluating me based on my choices. That is Their Stuff. And I heard All the Disparaging Comments in high school.
I still shop thrift stores first.
Oh, and I recently received permission to wear an undershirt under my pyjamas. It keeps my lower back warm.
Years ago in art school, I took a pair of velour sweatpants someone had given me that fit terribly and made it into a circle skirt. Same waistband, different everything else. It is to this day one of the most comfortable items I own, and I get compliments on it literally every time I wear it out. I’ve thought about making a business out of having people send me their sweats and receiving cute skirts in return, but I’ve never even made more than the one for myself, haha. It’s not for everyone, but what it’s worth, I had almost zero sewing skills at the time and completely just winged it!
Anyways, I took a wardrobe inventory a few months ago and wrote down what I wished for to fill the gaps. And the universe really did provide, in the form of unexpected thrift trips and presents from people I hardly even know (but who have great style)! Wishes do come true 🙂
Yes please to your business idea!!!
Mmm. I’m always cold, and tend to have very particular preferences about clothing, so this is a big thing for me. I wear lots and lots of layers all winter, fitted jackets over sweaters over several layers of long-sleeved shirts, but I hate feeling bulky and clumpy so the layers can’t be too thick. Slinky silk and cozy wool long underwear, stretchy skirts and dresses over leggings and legwarmers and long socks, is what works for me. This year I started adding lacy slips as a way to squeeze in an extra layer for warmth while still feeling gorgeous.