Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
Ringing.
Right now my ears are ringing, which is not fun.
And I am practicing being a bell and reverberating, which is lovely.
I am ringing in these two different ways — and that has two meanings too!
The thing I am not doing while ringing is writing the weekly wishes for the blog.
Sometimes wish-writing is smoother, and sometimes choppier, and sometimes there is serious resistance. But it’s been a while since the last time I had so much aversion to sitting down and finding out what I want.
So instead of formulating a wish, I’m just going to look at elements, see what’s there.
Where is the ease. What will help me choose ease.
I am letting a lot of things go right now.
And somehow the more I let go, the more I want to let go.
And, also, the more I let go, the more I question everything in my life.
Easing and releasing. Easing into releasing. More ease with releasing. That’s one element of what I am wishing for.
Element. The treasure in disliking things.
Right now I am hating everything so hard that it kind of scares me.
Just a few of the many things I currently dislike:
- The drive-through coffee place near my house, and the way inattentive decaffeinated people make sharp turns in and out of the driveway without looking for pedestrians, which results in me nearly getting killed twice a day.
- The way my favorite dance instructor has become a fitness nut so now instead of focusing on dance subtleties, she’s all about “push yourself more”, something that holds zero interest for me.
- Why would someone whose house is a subdued shade of teal paint their porch bright kelly green? And why does the room where I write face this visual version of fingernails-on-chalkboard? I need a new place to write because this color combination gives me a headache, and while I’m hating things, I also hate being this sensitive to everything. Side note, I recommend the book Too Loud Too Bright Too Fast Too Tight: What To Do If You Are Sensory Defensive In An Overstimulating World .
- How did I end up with an office next door to a frame-making shop? Listening to people hammer all day is a horrible nightmare.
- We rent out the chocolate shop (metaphor) for weddings, and people are supposed to clean up after themselves, they have a checklist. Except instead they leave chocolate cupcake frosting (not a metaphor) on the carpeted stage, and generally trash the place, and my patience level has dropped to negative levels, in both meanings of that.
Where is the treasure in disliking everything?
This happened to me in Berlin, twice, and the treasure there was in exiting a situation that wasn’t good for me.
Element. Ganesh.
Ganesh is the god of removing obstacles, which is a pretty useful superpower.
Except, here’s the thing, sometimes you can’t figure out how it is that there are nothing but obstacles in your way, and in fact seemingly more obstacles than before you asked to have them removed.
Sometimes the obstacles are clues, and sometimes they are on your path to redirect you, get you on a new and better path. Sometimes both.
The point of the obstacles is to make you re-think where you’re currently headed. The path has to be super annoying for you to make the decision to start anew.
Thus the response to an absurd amount of unexpected obstacles is, Ahhhhh, thank you for the redirection!
Right now I suspect there is some serious redirecting going on.
Element. Trust. Or maybe a reconfiguring.
I got PTSD-triggered on Saturday, so I’ve spent most of the last three days in bed, in hiding-and-recovery mode.
There is a voice, probably a monster voice and it wonders, almost too innocently:
“Maybe running a business isn’t a good idea for someone who can get thrown so easily…”
Maybe that isn’t true. Maybe pieces of that are true. Maybe this is related to Shmita, and letting everything go shmita.
Element. Nature.
After I came back from my mother’s funeral, my lover and I took off in a camper with no real plan.
We spent six weeks on the road and off the road. We woke up in some of the most extraordinarily beautiful places I have ever seen.
Okay, once or twice we woke up in a parking lot, but most of the time we were out in just breathtakingly gorgeous surroundings. Desert. Mountains. Expansiveness.
Being back in an urban environment doesn’t feel good right now. And things that used to perk me up (walking in the rose garden) no longer do it for me.
So this is also a wish about being outside, and warm.
Element. Transitions.
After nearly five years of running my amazing center in Portland, I decided on Wednesday that I am letting it go and looking for a tenant. No one is more surprised by this decision than me.
Superpower of ease-filled transitions please.
What do I know about my wish?
I wish to have a peaceful heart in the midst of big changes.
I wish to choose towards things that support me (horizon), and away from things that don’t.
I wish to say thank you, to fill up on praise.
I wish to meet all the present pain, disliking, frustration and so on with acknowledgment, legitimacy and presence.
What do I know about this wish?
There is always treasure.
At Rally (Rally!), we used to skip a stone about this and ask, Where Is The Treasure.
Where is the treasure in this moment, in this experience, in this loss, in this question, in this project, in this life.
And every single time I was amazed by how much wisdom could be found if I only asked.
What do I really want?
And, as always, to trust my instincts more. To trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: You are asking all the right questions, babe! The treasure is in disliking things. You’ve been in Portland for, what, seven years now? And you finally dislike things enough to go? It’s time for beautiful adventures. This is right.
Me: Thank you, that is reassuring. I don’t really like disliking things.
She: Keep following the joy-sparks. And keep paying attention to everything that is obviously not-joy. Those are clues too, thank them too.
Me: Is this why my [favorite thing here] has stopped being fun?
She: Maybe. Isn’t lovely to not feel sad about missing it?
Me: I had not thought of that.
Clues?
Speaking of obstacles, I will call Saturday’s explosion a clue. Thank you, clue.
The superpower of calm steady trust is mine.
The quality for January on the 2015 Fluent Self calendar is ANCHOR.
With the superpower is Calm Steady Trust Is Mine.
Calm steady trust will help me find the treasure in disliking things. And the anchor will help me voyage, it will help me locate my own steadiness as I figure out the new way.
GOOD NEWS!
Do you want your calendar? TODAY is your chance. Order it through the Plum Duff sale, which is almost over! Password: enter-with-roses
Ongoing wishes.
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
- I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive gifts that are winging their way to me. Superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers!
Things I find helpful when it comes to wishes…
More sweet pauses, yes to the red lights and purple pills, say thank you to the broken pots. Costume changes. Stone skipping with incoming me. My body gets the deciding vote. And, as always, saying thank you in advance.
Give it to the compass: Eight directions, eight qualities, eight breaths.
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka Someone come up with a card for that please…
Last week I was thinking about the relationship between releasing and grief, and now I am wishing for ease with releasing, and for finding the treasure.
This week I was able to let much more go, and to come to the conclusion that it is time to find a tenant for my space. It’s been a big week, so I’m glad I primed things by thinking about the legitimacy of grief when letting go.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
We are running a giant sale where all the amazing new stuff is HALF OFF RIGHT NOW! Password: enter-with-roses
This ends tomorrow. Take a look! ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
Follow
I love Ganesh. And thank you, Havi, for reminding me that obstacles are clews.
I’m slowly coming out of the depressive episode/existential crisis that I was in for 2009-2014, but I have no idea what lies ahead. And… that’s okay.
Pqw-orange, thanks for sharing your coming out of depressive episode/existential crisis from 2009-2014… It sounds surprisingly like my own depressive episode/existential crisis!
Here’s to new beginnings. Always new beginnings 🙂
{I can’t figure out how to comment on your blog post, so here’s my comment}
You wrote: “It is an honour to hold space for people who are changing their story.”
I love that. I can believe in your dream(s) for yourself, and I am rooting for you to achieve it/them. Go, Mary Tracy!
Oh, wow, that’s so nice, thank you!
We can totally believe in each other’s dreams and root for each other. So I’m rooting for you back, Pqw-orange! 😉
Welcome back.
Havi, your frustration with the wood shop next door reminded me of this. I can’t remember if I’ve recommended mynoise.net to you before, but if I haven’t, please consider this a recommendation; it’s fantastic. I am not myself HSP, but my friends who are say that it’s excellent at providing a distracting baseline that helps baffle other noises that cause trouble, and I thought that it might help you.
Best wishes to you! <3
Noelle, thank you for the recommendation. I played the rain sounds last night to cover the sounds of the heater running and it was lovely.
Oh Havi. I am joining you in writing permission slips to hate everything including hating everything. May soothing and comfort, treasure and clues, ease and breeze find their way to you soon. <3 <3
What do I want?
To quit booze altogether, it appears. Sigh. Okay.
What else?
Courage to tie up loose ends.
What else?
All the resources, internal and external, to do what needs to be done to be in good standing with myself. Especially self-kindness, as a counterweight to my self-judgment.
To set things up so that my actions are motivated by my DESIRE to be kind, by my OVERFLOW of love, because it feels GOOD to do good things!
Radical sovereignty, radical healing, radical amnesty, radical connection and radical nourishment and satisfaction.
What will this need?
Honesty, and compassion.
Courage, and support.
Opening, and trust that I am held.
Diligence, and the kindest and most unfailing sorts of kindness.
May it be so.
Sending love and breaths.
-o-
What do I want? Grace, ease, and confidence as I stretch into some new territory in my work. I am waving to old patterns, meeting them with compassion, and introducing them to some beautiful alternatives. What if it doesn’t have to be difficult? What if it doesn’t have to be *perfect*?
I think I’ll try being a harp for a while, and see how that feels.
<3 o x o
This is my week off, and it is meant for writing and cleaning and resting (one of those things is not like the others… But which?)
I think perhaps I should look at that book (washing machines! crowds! traffic!), but I am getting all sorts of resistance around the idea of 'sensitive'. I wish I could be who I am and not give a damn what anyone else thinks about that.
I have a smear test this morning and a haircut this afternoon. I booked the haircut to cheer myself up after the smear, but now I find I'm almost dreading it more, because people, and how one has to talk to hairdressers. I wish for things not to be as awful as I think they're going to be.
('Not as awful as I think they're going to be' is working pretty well on the cleaning, so far. Vinegar! It is marvellous stuff!)
Silent retreat on the rest of the week – but I wish for: flow – enoughness – rest – shine – ease – creation
And I have a friend coming to stay on Saturday, and she wants to see my city. Which is great, but the city has been around for 800 years, and I've lived here eight months, and I don't even know where to start. So I wish for a guide to guide me, the guide.
And I wish for perfect simple solutions to the Catering Question.
And I want to say what a lovely place this is, where we can all claim space to be who we are. Thank you, Havi <3
I don’t find myself disliking everything, but I do find myself bored by everything. My days seem all exactly the same. And I’ve been in the same place for 10 years now and my feet are itching. I usually move on after 7.
What do I wish?
That my superpower of getting clients would return. There is kryptonite somewhere and I can’t find it to banish it.
That I will find a way to get out of the I’m bored with work gym stretch write clean sleep cycle.
That I will figure out where I’m supposed to be and go there.
That things will right themselves so that this stomach ache goes away.
I’m on vacation. In a place with nice warm weather. I don’t have to wear a coat hat scarf gloves shoes/boots with treads to keep from slipping on ice patches. I love that! After a bit of pushing, I got a table that I can use on the porch/balcony of our unit and I can spend all day out there.
What do I want?
I want to rest. Not so much physical rest as — emotional and energetic rest. I think that’s the best way to describe what I am looking for.
And I want to use this time of being away to focus on some projects. I
want this time away to have Rally-like qualities.
What else?
I want to gather intel on what Resting means and what it looks like. I want to really feel what it feels like to be rested.
What else?
The things that I am working on/playing with now are important things that could be life changing, if I continue to work on and with them. I want to do that. I want it to be easy and natural.
I’m on vacation. In a place with nice warm weather. I don’t have to wear a coat hat scarf gloves shoes/boots with treads to keep from slipping on ice patches. I love that! After a bit of pushing, I got a table that I can use on the porch/balcony of our unit and I can spend all day out there.
What do I want?
I want to rest. Not so much physical rest as — emotional and energetic rest. I think that’s the best way to describe what I am looking for.
And I want to use this time of being away to focus on some projects. I
want this time away to have Rally-like qualities.
What else?
I want to gather intel on what Resting means and what it looks like. I want to really feel what it feels like to be rested.
What else?
The things that I am working on/playing with now are important things that could be life changing, if I continue to work on and with them. I want to do that. I want it to be easy and natural.
“subdued shade of teal with bright kelly green”! lol And now I know I’m not the only one who has ever shuddered and ‘wondered’ about these types of chromatic crimes … And this has occurred within purview of your writing space? Yikes!