Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What’s in here for me?
Some weeks I don’t know what I wish for at all.
(This is never true, it invariably turns out that I am trying to keep myself from knowing, for reasons that are completely legitimate and also sometimes monster-fear.)
Other weeks, like this one, I wish for so many things, which gets kind of overwhelming.
So let’s name some wishes and find out what they have in common.
I wish for a just-right tenant.
After nearly five years, I am letting go of The Playground, my beloved center in Portland, Oregon.
It is an unbelievably gorgeous space. Twenty foot coved ceilings. Five rooms. A small stage. A kitchenette (the Galley). Beautiful light. It is the most wonderful place I have ever been, and the thing I am most proud of bringing into the world, by a lot.
I would like a tenant who appreciates the specialness.
Appreciating specialness is how the Playground came into being, did you know!
It used to be that I’d run a retreat someplace and we’d magic it up with sparkling wonder, irrepressible joy, deep peacefulness, soaring delight. And then it would be so sad to leave, knowing it would eventually revert to a boring conference room.
Also I resented the preposterous add-on fees. Fifty dollars a day for a whiteboard? Come on. For that sum I could take a limo to an office supply store, get my own whiteboard and write things on it while sipping champagne. So stupid. And so I set out to look for my own teaching space.
Anyway, the Playground was special to begin with. Five years of glowing-love-and-adoration later, it’s incredible. May the right tenant be delighted with it.
I wish for help with the Augean stables.
Clearing out the Playground after five years of filling this enormous space with clues and toys…
It is quite the task.
Each time I go there, I spend somewhere between three and eight hours clearing stuff out, and haven’t made much of a dent yet.
The beautiful boy offered to bring the truck, and a few other people want to help. I would like this to come together easily and beautifully so we can show the space.
I wish for a healing for my leg.
I did something to my left leg, which is to say, I did not do anything to my left leg.
This is an emotion-level reaction to [things], for sure.
It has to do with some of the many things I’m releasing, and it happened immediately after feeling very upset about a situation, and now I have this inexplicable injury and can’t walk.
So I am wishing for an ease of releasing, perfect for this new incoming year of Easing & Releasing.
And I am wishing for the treasure in this to reveal itself quickly and easily, and for the return to functional happy body to be easier than I think it will be.
I wish for ease and joy with the new op.
Got some intel the other day at the Playground. Turns out the real reason Operation True Yes got postponed is that I am not currently cleared for the kind of top-level security it requires.
So I am now on a mission to get ready for that op by increasing levels of Sovereignty, Agency, and Panache so that I can integrate a new Incoming Me.
This is going to involve making peace with some shadows and solving the mystery of What Is Good About [PLB].
I will need to do more of a [thing I currently resent other people doing, because I don’t allow it in myself], in order to stop feeling upset about this.
Apologies if that made no sense. The point is, there is some internal work to be done, and now is the time to do it, and I would like this to be fun, and to have some good company.
I wish for ease-filled transitions.
Right now an ending is approaching, and I have been avoiding dealing with it because of [not-fun thing that happened last time].
I want help remembering that Now Is Not Then, and a new way to approach this particular ending.
I wish for peaceful time-off before the time-off.
All this doing-doing-doing getting ready for Shmita has me exhausted.
I need a week of nothing, somewhere quiet, and I need this to reveal itself as soon as possible.
What do I know about my wishes?
The motto of the Playground is relevant here:
Enter As You Wish To Be In It. Exit As You Wish To Continue.
Right now I’m not exiting things with the qualities I want to take with me.
More harmony, more congruence, more peacefulness, more rest, more sovereignty, more joy-sparks!
What else do I know?
Nothing is wrong.
This is all part of the process. This discomfort is growing pains, and that’s a thing, and I am okay.
What else do I know?
Taking care of myself first is always the right answer.
What do I really want?
To see with clear eyes.
And, as always, to trust my instincts more. To trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: Change the metaphor. This isn’t about herculean labors, it’s about saying goodbye with love. Focus on the love part, not the work part.
Me: Okay.
She: Nothing is wrong, my love. You are being given nothing but chances to take care of yourself. Take them!
Me: I feel so frustrated right now.
She: Of course you do. This is so much to be dealing with. All the more reason to choose bath, bed, quiet, fresh air, soup.
Me: You are right.
Clues?
Hahaha, so many clues.
For now the biggest clue is that me of a week ago knew to say no to Puerto Rico even though it sounded like the best thing in the world, all because the YES disappeared. And now I am wearing a knee brace, and am so very glad that I am not on a plane right now. So. A clue about trusting instinct. I’ll take it.
The superpower of calm steady trust is mine.
The quality for January on the 2015 Fluent Self calendar is ANCHOR.
With the superpower is Calm Steady Trust Is Mine.
Calm steady trust will help me find the treasure in all of this. And the anchor reminds me that the voyage is still happening.
Ongoing wishes.
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
- I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive gifts that are winging their way to me. Superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers!
Things I find helpful when it comes to wishes…
More sweet pauses, yes to the red lights and purple pills, say thank you to the broken pots. Costume changes. Stone skipping with incoming me. My body gets the deciding vote. And, as always, saying thank you in advance.
Give it to the compass: Eight directions, eight qualities, eight breaths.
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka the treasure in disliking things…
I did in fact find treasure in disliking things:
The disliking can be fuel for making changes. The disliking tells me more about what I do like. The disliking tells me that I’m worn out and depleted, it is a sign to take better care of myself. The disliking gets answered with legitimacy and love, two things the world needs more of.
Thank you, disliking. Thank you, treasure. Thank you, process of letting things go, and thank you, wise me, for noticing just how much emotional dust this kicks up and how strongly I react to dust.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
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I am so deeply wishing right now to stop lion taming (proxy!)
I got the gig because I’m good at it. Or, really because I’m better at it than the other circus folk available. And it’s true that sometimes I enjoy it. But lions are wild animals and I am an HSP, and two shows a day, every day, is too much adrenaline. Yeah, I’ve only been scratched a few times, but every show I go into it expecting a scratch and now this terror is bleeding out into the non show hours. I feel like I lion tame, stress about lion taming, or recover from lion taming every moment of the day. And it’s upsetting the lions. And it’s harder and more dangerous to put on shows with stressed lions.
So… I need out of this gig. Or something needs to change so that this gig is easy and relaxing. I can’t imagine a way for either of those things to happen so I feel trapped.
I feel trapped in pretty much the same way I did when I dropped out of school, actually. Three years of getting a bigger and bigger no, but clinging to the plan because I didn’t know quitting was an option. But I look back and it’s so blindingly obvious I needed to leave. I mean, there was treasure in staying, but some of that treasure was learning that when something getsprogressively harder, more painful, and more frustrating for no readily apparent reason, the reason may well be that it’s time to get out.
(And then it turns out four years later that even if I do want to do the whole school thing, dropping out for four years was still the best plan for several reasons. For not only myself generally but for my “academic career,” should I choose to have one. Perspective I did not have at the time!)
And more recently there was the roommate from hell, or really the perfectly decent person who happened to be the exact worst roommate for me. Almost a year of stress and crying and hiding for hours to get away from her because I thought I needed [significant sum of money], but she left and we weren’t any poorer (in fact, we had more money available), plus even over a year later I’m grateful every day to live without her.
Right now it seems utterly impossible that I could stop lion taming (like, I think best case scenario I could do 9 shows a week. Which is 5 less than now but still at least 8 too many). But it is possible, just maybe, that Future Me is hanging out a year or two from now feeling so much love and sympathy for Present Me and her deluded belief that she can’t escape lion taming. Maybe Future Me knows that lion taming, which seems so necessary in my life, is actually easily and profitably dropped and that everyone will be happier for it.
(Or again, maybe some huge change in how I lion tame, along with some reduction in the frequency, so that I’m not in so much pain about the whole thing.)
My wish then, is to believe this and to see the ways forward into it. To learn how to receive less pain and more love in service of good for everyone – for the lions and the circus and me.
Qualities: cherishing support love sovereignty rest freedom quiet ease
And more quiet.
Aha. I have forgotten a step here, which is legitimacy.
Going straight to “I am comfortable with less lion taming” bypasses all the legitimacy I need for just how hard lion taming is, and how many times I’ve tried to pass it off to other circus members only to have a near emergency develop that’s good for no one and required me to step back in to save the show in an even more stressful way,
So starting there. Because that is the first step. Wow this is hard and wow have I tried a lot of things and wow do I have the experience of all those things I tried blowing up in my face over and over.
No wonder it’s stressful and no wonder I hurt. This is all legitimate.
<3 <3 <3
-o- -o- -o-
<3 <3 <3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To be in good standing with myself means (to me) (right now) meeting the obligations I have agreed to which means (to me) (right now) providing a container for the clearest unfolding of the members of my household, at the moment that means my children and me.
I want to start with truth, which is I yam what I yam and baby, that's just the way it is. Being me includes a need for pronounced energetic ebbing and flowing between regular doses of high intensity pleasure rush, and yin-time, rest, integration. Monsoon and lagoon. I don't just read a book, I READ A BOOK ALL NIGHT BECAUSE I AM CONSUMED BY THE BOOK BY THE ACT OF READING THIS IS HOW I READ BEST HOW I TAKE THINGS IN THIS IS HOW I WORK. Then I'm tired because going to bed at 4am will do that to you. And the content of the book bubbles away deep down until it makes sense and I see things more clearly and the treasure is integrated.
It is also true that I need to be careful not to [read the book] so hard that I decide to *change-everything-in-my-whole-life-right-nowwwwwwwww!!!!!*, and that I don't [read the book] without due care of Tomorrow Me, without the spaciousness to nap a lot and take it easy and go to bed early. To keep myself in the mild zone, the middle 80%, to maintain mindfulness, tranquility, cheerfulness as my core experience, even in the midst of intensity. To reach too deeply into the top 10% drains the middle 80% of colour and unless I'm really careful plunges me into the bottom 10% and it sucks down there.
So, to create a container for the clearest unfolding of me (which is requisite for the sustainable delivery of a container that allows for the clearest unfolding of my kids) means building in spaciousness and flexibility in what my Everyday Tasks are, and an honest acceptance that my capacity to undertake them will ebb and flow. Which feels like something that will be tricky to achieve, seeing as there is only me in the adult stakes in my household, and I generally find the Everyday Tasks too demanding even when I'm in flow.
Husband? Wife? Housemates worthy of my children? Au-pair of awesomeness?
May the path appear.
<3
I am missing someone I ended a friendship with last year. Like soul missing. But I don’t know whether I miss her or I miss love and opportunity to be vulnerable (I voice to text made vulnerable be the word “home” which also fits).
I needed a true break from her, which I had.
I wish some clues on this. I wanted to be braver. I wanted to stop holding back. But I don’t know whether getting in touch with her is moving in the wrong direction. She got me in a way that no one else does, which isn’t easy. But she also sometimes thought I was responsible for her emotions.
The good thing is that my heart is feeling something.
I also wish for safe passage through the storm (not a proxy.)
Safe passage <3 <3 <3
I wish for ease, and for perfect simple solutions. So many things lately that should be small, simple, easy things have turned out to be fist-shakingly Red Tape Complicated. May these things untangle themselves.
I wish for patience and better communication with a co-worker.
I wish for an ease-filled post-graduation transition. I wish for solutions to appear in time for this not to be a last-minute storm of chaos.
I wish for the steadiness and calm, grounded, focused perspective to enjoy the next few months, instead of spending it freaking out in ways that aren’t even helpful anyway. Trust.
May everyone have a beautiful week! 🙂
May it be so!!!
My wishes at the moment are about another person, so I am taking a moment to consider how to frame them in a sovereign way. Into the pot, then, some sovereign ingredients (I hope):
–Ease for X, if she wants it — and if she does, may it be easily visible to her.
–Plenty of rest and replenishment for all of us who wish it; may we remember that these things serve the mission, and that there is always time.
–May I be of service by doing the things that give me the deepest joy and fulfillment.
<3
I love these wishes. May it be so!
First, a report on last week’s wishes:
I wanted rest, especially mental/emotional rest. I got it, on the balcony enjoying the balmy days.
I wanted to get intel about Rest and what it means to me and what it looks like. I have some new intel on that.
I wanted to experience what it really feels like to be rested. I experienced it enough to know that I want it more, and that I want to phrase the request differently so I can experience it differently: I want to experience what it feels like to be Really Rested.
I wanted Rally-like qualities for the vacation because I had projects with me. I found the qualities; I Rallied the projects, I took time off from the Projects because it was the right thing to do.
I wanted to continue to work on them in an easy and natural way… and since we have been home (exactly 48.5 hours as I write this) I have acted to continue working on/playing with two of them, and can already feel one bearing fruit.
This week’s wishes:
Today I started two Spanish classes. I am taking a different approach to each one; one is more structured and one is pretty much “winging it” as I respond to the comments and needs of the students. They seem to have a synergy between them, which is interesting.
I wish for the positive synergy and the energy/glow that I derive from participating to continue throughout the duration of the classes and also to expand from Mondays to the other days of the week.
What do I know about what I want?
That this would not have happened if I had not Rested in California. That the P of ADT and HTT support this synergy.
What else do I know?
That sleep and self care are important to being able to continue doing this.
What else do I want?
I want to find the Floors as part of the De-piling. I want to domesticate the domestic environment.
What do I know about what I want?
That I’ve had aspects of these in mind for a long time. That I have to be ready to do them and not try to force myself. That I probably am ready.
Slightly Wiser Me says: You’ve had W on your list for a lot longer than this project and you did it today because you had rested and you were ready. You will feel better able to rest (to Rest) when some of this is done. Key things to remember: don’t try to do it all at once; don’t push till you’re exhausted. You’ll have a hard time getting started again. Don’t lose your focus on the end goal. Sit with the things that need to be done till you see the easiest and most direct way of doing them.
Thank you, Wiser Me. Thank you, Me who rested. Thank you, Me who knows.
Thank you, Havi, for this space and this post and especially for this: “Taking care of myself first is always the right answer.”
<3
love for everyone’s beautiful wishes.
I wish for ease and joy in my work transition. To greet my new responsibilities and location with love, confidence, efficiency, and adventure.
I wish for [thing] to go well tomorrow. To be willing. To find more willingness and trust. To rest.
I wish to joyfully say thank you and goodbye to the Playground.
What else do I know?
Everything reconfigures. All timing is Right Timing.
The Playground is everywhere its magic pieces land, and it’s in every Rallion.
Clues?
They showed up in my Plum Duff package. A card with the word Adventure. A tiny book with blank pages. The tiny saucer and teacup that holds sovereign-tea. The quirky silver robot. The orange car with the giant antenna [paper clip] sticking out of its roof. The stuffie who is at home with his new pack of friends, including a Yowl and a Buttmonster.
Other clues from the Playground – the 1-2-3 on the door: 1. My Body, 2. Force Field. 3. Intention. Enter/Exit. This was probably my very first clue-gift from the Playground. It’s one I never need a reminder about. It is always there, and it always works.
Well this is really good for me to read today because it makes me consider my own disappearing yeses. For me, the Disappearing Yes is often a squished Yes. I have a Yes then I have a knee-jerk NO!
Do that is some if my current work, and thank you for that: get the Yes, and not Repress the Yes.
Xox
I wish to remember what it feels like to be Sovereign.
I’ve been reading the Book of Rally Keys and I was reading and feeling excited about Rally (Rally!), but then I thought—but how can I Rally without access to the Playground? And that’s a terribly unsovereign thought. So my wish is to recover sovereignty and to Rally it up some weekend without feeling like I’m Doing It Wrong because it’s not in the Playground and I don’t even know Havi in person.
Drawing big Yes marks (hearts, sparkles, checkmarks, whatever works best for others) on everyone’s wishes. This feels good and right.
Sending hugs along for anyone who wants them. May your week be full of joy.
Beloveds are grieving. Wishing them solace.
Friends are caretaking. Wishing them support.
I’m feeling skittish about returning to yoga and swimming. My old hack of putting on a sports bra before going on is not propelling me past the resistance this time.
WTCW:
I could focus simply on movement instead of getting myself to class or pool. Yardwork. Housework. Biking. Walks.
.. I could go for simpler plans in general. Hmmm.
Warm wishes to all y’all.