Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
Questions and answers.
I turned the page in my notebook, and discovered a clue that past-me had left on the inside of the back cover, a quote from Zora Neale Hurston:
“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”
Yes.
Answers.
Hope said that to me when I was distraught after the colossal disintegration and flailure (yes, with that’s how I spell it) of my business expansion.
Not only had I just lost my big dream, I’d gotten stuck with a chocolate shop instead, and I was so completely bewildered and shell-shocked by life.
That was definitely a year that asked. Actually there were three years that were question years, and then around September, the year turned and started answering. I am suddenly in a year that is full with answers.
Answers that I have questions about, hahahaha, because that is how answers work. They invite questions. They ask to be trusted, but they also ask to be investigated.
What do I know about these answers.
In September I knew that what I wanted was Shmita. A year of Easing and Releasing.
But I didn’t act on this intel because I didn’t think it was possible.
In November, my lover and I took off to the desert, and this little adventure turned into six very intense weeks that revealed even more answers.
It became clear that I need to stop working, and I need to let go.
I need to let go of the Playground (my unbelievably magical center that I’ve run in Portland for the last five years. To let go of my beautiful home, at least temporarily. To actively release everything that does not spark joy.
My body told me in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t stop working, it would stop working for me. And I said, okay okay got it, and then I kept working, and then about a month ago my knee stopped functioning, mysteriously, out of the blue.
It is time to listen. And it is time to receive the next set of answers that will come from that listening.
Clear.
I woke up the other day with this pairing of words in my head:
Rosh tzalul
It means clear head, clear-headed, but it is more interesting than that.
Hebrew has multiple words for clear, and tzalul is the right word for the job in a way that “clear” just doesn’t begin to come close.
Tzalul is clear like water. I flash on the week I once spent doing glorious nothing on a beach in Turkey, and how the water there is so blue, and you can see all the way to the bottom.
Tzalul is clear like when your mind is clear: lucid.
Tzalul can be related to tzlil, a sound, or a quality of sound, or tziltzul, a ringing, like a bell. Also tzlila, which is diving. Diving, into and beneath those clear waters.
Tzalul
It is not clear like light/bright, that is a different word, and it is not clear like emptied, that is something else, and it is not clear like obvious.
It is this particular water and bells and lucidity kind of clear, and that is what I want, and that is why I need to drop everything and care for myself and my body like I never have before.
That is the next indicated step, and the only question in all these answers is this:
Am I going to live by this intel, am I going to live by the clear sea that is the clear c?
What do I know about this?
It has to do with choosing the void instead of avoiding the void.
It is a mission of following the trail of joy sparks.
More than that, it’s committing to the mission of following the trail of joy sparks.
It makes sense that I feel trepidation about saying yes to my yes. That’s partly because this is a highly unconventional yes, it goes against our entire culture of Do More and Produce and Ass In Chair and Finish What You Started and Your Time Is Not Your Own and Swim With The Stream.
And it’s partly because if that was the answer that emerged from six weeks of getting quiet and turning inward, who knows what scary shit will reveal itself if I really stop keeping myself busy all the time.
So I’m allowed to feel conflicted about Shmita (letting the fields be fallow) and about rosh tzalul (my head is clear, I am a bell in a belltower), and about desiring these things. That is okay.
What else do I know about what I want?
There is big deprogramming to do here.
I need to stop measuring things in any of the old ways.
It is so easy to think about what I am “losing” each day that I don’t have a tenant for the space, each day that I don’t finish project X or fulfill goal Y. That has nothing to do with truth.
Truth is that I am okay, right now, in this moment and in all the moments, and nothing is more important than taking care of myself so I can remember this.
What’s next.
The beautiful boy and I have been trying to reschedule Operation True Yes. We were supposed to run away to Puerto Rico and that fell through, it was an initial yes that transformed into a not-yes, or a not-yet-yes.
And now we are talking about just getting in the truck and going out to the desert and staying there for a while. Like, a while. A WHILE.
And we need to just make this happen because otherwise we will get sucked into work and life, into preparing instead of going, which is a big theme for me.
I was raised by people who preferred thinking about going or talking about going, not actually going. Which is fine, if that’s what you prefer and you know that. Nothing wrong with being someone whose pleasure is dreaming and imagining.
It’s just that I grew up thinking [big huge life changes] were about to happen, because they were constantly being talked about like this was real, when it wasn’t ever going to happen, and it took me many, many years to understand that.
It’s time to go. Not out of urgency or scarcity or what if I miss it. Going because it is indicated. Going because this is my yes. Not waiting while I think about my yes. Saying yes to my yes.
An affair with yes.
This is what the beautiful boy called it. We are having an affair with yes.
I had been panicking about this knowing, these answers, and this is so funny because during the Years of Questions, I would have done a lot to have some answers, and now that I have them, they scare me.
It’s okay to feel all these feelings when you are having a wild passionate affair with yes.
What do I really want?
To be still, breathe, notice my feet on the floor, feel the floor, trust, release, love, trust some more.
Now.
I am in bed, a bolster under my knees, which right now is the only way I can sit comfortably, and even that not for very long.
Sun is streaming in through the windows we put in at the end of summer. A lot has changed since the end of summer. The window came just in time for answers.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: It is safe to chase joy.
Me: To chase? That’s an interesting word choice, especially when right now I am hobbling, not chasing.
She: It is safe. To chase joy, walk with joy, catch up to joy, picnic with joy, dance with joy, sleep with joy. Everything you do that is a yes to joy is a good move.
Clues?
Everything with breath. Breath accompanies the action. Like shooting an arrow. Let’s choose towards that.
And the guy in front of me on the bus this morning who said, suddenly, very loudly, “I AM UPSET ALL THE TIME.” Let’s choose away from that.
The superpower of seeing beauty everywhere.
The quality for February on the 2015 Fluent Self calendar is APPRECIATE.
And the February superpower is I See Beauty Everywhere.
This has to do with rosh tzalul and my clear mind. That’s the lens. That is how I see beauty. Or, alternately, I can stop and see beauty, and this will clear my mind.
Special wishes! Recommendations please!
Some things I need/want for the upcoming trip that I don’t have, or don’t spark joy. So I am receptive to recommendations from you, dear reader, as long as they elicit real JOY SPARKS for you!
- Slip-on shoes that are comfortable and attractive. I like just socks in the truck and being able to slip something on fast to pop into the camper or a supermarket. I have very sexy clogs with gorgeous wooden three inch heels, these are not the right tool for the job, as much as I love the admiring look of the boy every time I don’t fall while balanced precariously on the metal trailer beam. And I have a pair of Danskos that are like wearing square blocks on my feet and I just do not feel even remotely attractive, and attractive is going to be extra-important since I’m not going to be showering that much. What do you like?
- Water bottle. Sturdy, attractive, glass would be nice, not Lifefactory.
- Flip flops: sturdy, attractive, comfortable.
- A really great sundress, something that travels well and not too cleavage-ey.
Ongoing wishes.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. My business and ballroom are thriving happily. This doesn’t require my input! I think like a dancer. Ha, it’s so perfect that things turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this. Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good. I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive the gifts that are winging their way to me. Superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers!
Things I find helpful when it comes to wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka take care of yourself and you shall receive…
I got some very unexpected results from this wish, one of which is that I stopped crying about letting go of the Playground. Another unexpected result is that the boy and I decided to leave town.
And yet another result is that I am dealing with a situation I neglected for a very long time.
So this wasn’t what I had in mind at all when I made the wish, and I couldn’t be happier about this.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
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flip flop recommendation: these come in 13 *awesome* colors, cost $19, support the arch of the foot, are made in the US, and i had my previous pair for eight years. can’t recommend strongly enough!
http://www.okabashi.com/Okabashi-Maui/dp/B007IO0N1C
I love my okabashis! They had little nubbins that massage the kinesthesiolgy points on the feet — long since worn off but I used to get the most genius ideas after wearing them.
I am having a hard time lately. Monsters want to say I am ALWAYS having a hard time it’s just the excuse changes. Whether or not that is true, being screamed at by my monsters is definitely part of what makes right now hard.
I am in a lot of pain. Emotional and physical. I perceive myself to be completely baffled and stumped by this pain. But I think I’m doing that thing where I try one, maybe two things, and then loudly declare the problem unsolvable. There is a whole universe of things to try. It’s highly unlikely anything is unsolvable.
Though totally legitimate to feel that way, of course. I mean “this is impossible” is a thought, but the feelings of frustration, pain and despair are legitimate.
What I have tried so far is: a. Praying (good! This is always helpful.), b. Going straight at the pain directly (powers of Aries moon activate!), and c. Telling awful stories about the pain and about me and how little sense either of us make (not very helpful.)
So what else could I try?
1. I could change the story around the pain. (I have huge resistance here. The pain is important! Don’t ignore the pain!)
2. I could talk to the me who thinks the pain is important.
3. I could write a letter to the pain.
4. I could do yoga. (In the moments when it hurts less.)
5. I could scream into a pillow. (In the moments when it hurts more.)
6. I could get acupuncture.
7. I could (at least try to) release expectations.
8. I could KonMari the kitchen.
9. I could lie outside in the sun.
10. I could fast.
11. I could drink more CCF tea. More tea all around, really.
12. I could go to the soaking pools.
13. I could ride the bus tomorrow instead of driving,
14. I could read more of Jonathan’s book.
15. I could reframe this as something involving patience and surrender rather than bravery and decisive action.
So that’s 15 ideas. I have tried tea and pillow-screaming and reading, but could certainly do more. And if I thought very long at all, I bet I could add another ten or so.
I think most important is working with the Me’s who think that this pain, mysterious as we all find it, means very specific doom-y things, and must be dealt with in specific ways that haven’t helped so far.
I’m going to start there.
My Haflinger sheep slippers have me smiling every time I see them, and every time I wear them. I may well look into some of H’s more multipurpose models in the future.
Clear like water. Clear like mayim. That’s a clue for me.
Some things I want:
* shaking the cough
* no more cramps
* things sorted out with bros.
* safety
* things to line up properly
* plant rack, of a kind that will keep pots out of reach of the potting-soil-noshing pooch
What I know:
* I am loved.
* I am skilled.
* The tulips have come up, and so have the lilies.
* There is miso in the fridge, and the freezer is full.
What I can try:
* turmeric
* ALL the paper
Warm wishes and bouquets to all your beautiful wishes.
My Haflinger sheep slippers have me smiling every time I see them, and every time I wear them. I may well look into some of H’s more multipurpose models in the future.
Clear like water. Clear like mayim. That’s a clue for me.
Some things I want:
* shaking the cough
* no more cramps
* things sorted out with bros.
* safety
* things to line up properly
* plant rack, of a kind that will keep pots out of reach of the potting-soil-noshing pooch
What I know:
* I am loved.
* I am skilled.
* The tulips have come up, and so have the lilies.
* There is miso in the fridge, and the freezer is full.
What I can try:
* turmeric
* ALL the paper
Warm wishes and bouquets to all your beautiful wishes.
Three things, quickly:
1. I really like Birkenstocks. The clogs might be comfortable slip-on shoes for you, though I don’t know whether they would be the flavor of attractive that you have in mind.
2. Update on a previous wish: I did a bit of reshuffling in my studio, and have been playing with spending a little more time there, and I’m also playing with the idea of having a *portable* studio that dwells inside my journal, and/or inside me.
3. A new wish: I’d like to try taking a vacation from the internet for the next ten days or so, until the end of dry dock. I’m giving myself plenty of permission to change my mind; I just really want to experiment with this. (I’ll still be checking email on my phone daily, so I’ll see blog posts there.)
Sending love and fair breezes to one and all…
I have a pair of Sanuk flip flops that I love! They are apparently made out of recycled yoga mats, and they also have secret polka dots. And the in between toes bit is softy cloth which is a flip flop must for me. Poking around their website it looks like they make cute slip-ons too! Hope you find just the exact right thing. <3 <3 !!
I discovered this shop in Nelson BC about five years ago and was delighted to recently discover they sell online… I have one of their dresses and a few other pieces, all of which spark joy for me. Plus, they are having a sale right now. Maybe something will spark joy for you:
http://www.lilikoiclothing.com/store/#!/Clearance/c/2209525/offset=0&sort=normal
Bogs clogs. A little clunky, but lots of color.
Kleen Kanteen. Not glass, but wide mouth makes it easy to wash. And lots of colors, so you can match to your clogs!
I have Peter Gabriel’s “Washing the Water” running through my brain now.
Second on the Birkenstocks! Easy on/off and they feel good for my feet.
Gwishes. I have gwishes. For speedy and smooth healing of this bronchitis. For trust in my wise selves to lead me through the current hard stuff. For the ability to do all of the magical things that feed me so deeply and cost money.
Mmmmmmm.
Why not meet in the middle with a mid-heel clog?
I have cute mid-heel clog sandals I wear a ton in the summer and have taken on vacations that feature a lot of walking. I have new mid-heel clog boots that I just took on vacation, that I wore every day. Your legs will still look gorgeous in the mid-heel, I promise 🙂
I’m in the desert right now and it is the loveliest thing.
I’ve been checking & checking to see if you’d written anything. {Except for Spouse, I have no other human friends right now, or for several years actually. Reading your blog posts is almost like having a wise and insightful friend.}
I’ll be deleting my Twitter account as soon as I get my new laptop set up.
Love the idea of years that ask and years that answer. I am also in the latter. I welcome it, in theory – I like change – but everything I thought I understood about the world is drifting away. Who can I be without anything familiar? About time/i’m gonna find out.
Best to you too.
Ariats. Sport clogs or sport mules. Plus: sandals.
Water bottles, yes I too thought straight away of Klean Kanteen stainless steel ones. For me they’re definitely in the category of “sparks joy” 🙂
I chose plain steel on the grounds that it’ll never chip or fade, & there’s also choice of various other colours:
http://www.kleankanteen.com/products/the-original-classic-27oz?variant=858100775
and there’s various sizes – my favourite is the 12oz one from the children’s section, which easily fits in my main little bag.
I’ve tried the sports cap & discovered it didn’t work for me for carrying around in a bag, because it isn’t totally watertight. So now just use the plain loop cap, which is.
Don’t know about glass ones though!
Blessings on the wishes!
What do I wish?
For the dragon-taming resources to come through. Or for all timing is right timing to feel true again.
For the clarity on how to store and use dragon-taming resources wisely and most impactfully.
For the yes from the Estate of Reality to arrive. And all the corners match up nicely.
For the kisses to wake up Sleeping Beauty.
For ease and fun to infuse the Milestone Arrival.
For the tidal wave to recede, or even better, for the earth to rise up from under the water!
Particularly the last wish. Yes.
<3
I adore the qualities of tzalul!!! Beautiful.
Water bottle recommendations for holding clear water are Kor. They are beautifully designed and ethically made.
Enjoy your travels darling. x
I live in the urban desert, and find cute squishy (no ironing, poly/polyblend — so can be rinsed in a sink and dry the next morning) sundresses all the time in the used clothing stores. Long skirts, scoop necks with bra-friendly tank straps (no stoopid spaghetti things that need a strapless bra to look “right”).
Might be worth a look as you perambulate down the highways.
On a personal note, thanks for the KonMarie shout-out. This helped me reframe all the gifts I was still hanging on to, because they were GIFTS, it would be wrong to let them go. Even though the relationship was over; or was never the sort where the person would visit my home; or was just “a thing to show I love you” because that’s what we do at this time in this culture.
Letting go and delighting in the open spaces. Thinking the thinks about going through some cherished childhood goodies and holding on to that which sparks joy, even if it means pinning up the dust jacket in the back of my closet — and getting rid of the book itself!
Feeling joyful for your new adventures!
Shoes: I love my Xeroshoes (minimal sandals). They’re like going barefoot. I have the Sensori Ventures.
Water bottle: My S’well water bottle is crazy-durable, stainless steel and double-walled – it keeps things cold forever. I’ve had it for 5 years and it’s still going strong.
A Love Letter To A Guitar That I Wish To Find Soon
Dear new guitar,
I am so excited to meet you.
I don’t know a lot about you yet, but here are some things I know, or at least that I think I know:
+You feel good in my hands.
+Our bodies fit together beautifully.
+You are sturdy, strong, well-constructed.
+You have your own story to tell. Maybe you were loved by someone else before you were mine.
+We will be together a good, long time.
+We will make many beautiful songs together.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a relationship with a guitar. I will need to learn how to do this kind of relationship all over again. Please be patient with me, but also please keep reminding me that it’s worth the energy.
I am sending this out into the universe so that when it is time for my new guitar to find me, it will know where I am. I am here. I am ready(ish!). I am waiting. I will do my best to be a good guitar person for you.
Love,
CQ
May it be so!
What beautiful wishes! Clarity like pure water.
I would like more Secret Playgrounds, please. I found one at a dance party with animated characters at the end of a theme park attraction and one putting the world back together with high school students.
To be a Secret Playground, it has to validate, not violate who I am and what I am doing. No one can tell me to stop that! or act your age! If I come with anyone, they can’t be embarrassed by me or what I do. I might have to claim that I’m a Performance Artist. (Cover Story?) I should not feel self-conscious. I can be Seen, but Not Recognized by name like, “Aren’t you her who works at there?” And pictures of me doing stuff at a Secret Playground spark joy and laughter, and bring a smile to my face later.
And that The Dude gets employed. I am eating a little disappointment cupcake right now.
I misread “to be a Secret Playground” as if that were the wish itself, because that is my wish! Wishing you all the right Secret Playgrounds for you, may they reveal themselves in good timing!
An opportunity maybe arose to be elsewhere in the job sense. I think i have found a diplomat to assist with this Op, which makes me think it will go better than last time. My gwish – that this turn into something real and lasting and wonderful and changeful.
Silent retreating on the rest.
This is definitely a questions year for me.
I am also gwishing for clarity. For me on my said snottier and the _why_ behind it. I’m not motivated for it. I have permission slips to not finish it, which helps, but I do feel stuck because I want to be able to get all the benefits of finishing it and committing to it. I don’t want to go back to where I was three years ago.
I think maybe I want a new proxy/anagram for this project. Maybe that’s the first thing. Said Snottier made me laugh at the beginning, but I’m not a snotty person – or I am in the literal sense of being sickly and having allergies and being prone to colds/bronchitis, but not in the usual sense of the word and I don’t want that implication for this project. So, we will play with new names.
I think I may play with the techniques from grinding wheels/not grinding wheels and maybe use my coloring book to get some ideas on this.
Crocs or any all rubber shoe is great in a desert, you can wash and dry them in a hot minute without doing damage and then put them right back on, a good thing where feet get dusty from exploring. That’s also an advantage in rain. So, a nod towards an all plastic shoe. Or rubber.
I was in a spot of stuck with wishes. My Fluent Self calendar hangs to the side of my computer. Last year’s hangs to the right of it, and I’m turning the pages backwards. November 2014’s quality was Sovereignty. Appreciate more Sovereignty.
I see this morning the clues that have been there for a month – that my wish is a deeper one than usual.
I wish to appreciate myself more, to see my beauty everywhere – inside and out.
Appreciate. not just recognize. Synonyms are value, treasure, respect. be grateful for myself. <—more of that. To not compromise my own priorities.
amen
My favorite quote of all times. John Berger, about stories but really about Everything:
“There are two categories of storytelling. Those that treat of the invisible and the hidden, and those that expose and offer the revealed. What I call — in my own special and physical sense of the terms — the introverted category and the extroverted one. Which of the two is likely to be more adapted to, more trenchant about what is happening in the world today? I believe the first.
“Because its stories remain unfinished. Because they involve sharing. Because in their telling a body refers as much to a body of people as to an individual. Because for them mystery is not something to be solved but to be carried. Because, although they may deal with sudden violence or loss or anger, they are long-sighted. And, above all, because their protagonists are not performers but survivors.”
You are one of my favorite protagonist survivors. Carry on, carry mysteries, and be long-sighted. Which I know you will do without my exhortations. Which is why I so love exhorting you, and why I so love you. Amen.
I am in the middle of my own journey of wandering right now, so sending you lots of flowers, pebbles and hearts adorned with tiny bright objects for your own upcoming journey. May there be sweetness and fountains waiting for you beyond every swell of the horizon.
I have a pair of slip-on Merrill mary-janes that I got at that clog shop on NW 23rd in Portland, and I love them. They’re super walking-friendly (yay chunky rubber sole!), easy to slip on and off, and they’re a sexy pink herringbone, which I love. Anyway, just a thought. Leaving lots of pebbles for you to find, along with all the things on your list!
I read this and it sounded right and also terrifying and now I am finding it hard to breathe and am feeling jittery.
I’m not sure I know how to let go of Goals and Ass In Chair and Productivity. This is kind of funny because the blog post I just posted is about wallowing and letting myself wallow–the dig myself a Wallow and stay in it for a while so that when I pick up and move on, I can do that.
I’m a little worried about all this.