I talk to monsters. Like my Book monster. Or the You’re Not Allowed monster.*
* At first they are very scary but then they’re all schmoo-schmoo-schmoo. Extreme schmoo-ness!
And sometimes I talk to other people’s monsters. It’s kind of one of my superpowers.
Usually just with clients, but every once in a while for one of my students. Let’s call this lovely person Susannah.
Her monsters were going on and on really loudly and in unison about what a completely terrible person she is for not having updated her blog.
It was a collective of monstering. And they would not stop being shout-ey and mean to her. They were creating her writer’s block and making it worse at the same time.
A negotiated conversation with Susannah’s monsters.
I wanted to talk to just one and so I asked for a name, but it turned out they really, really wanted to be all smooshed together.
In fact, they decided that they’re calling themselves MonsterMash. One word. I know. But that’s what they said.
So here we are.
Havi: Hey, Susannah’s monsters, it’s Havi. And Selma the duck. I just want you to know that I’m not going to try and make you go away. I’m sure Susannah hired you for a reason. I just want to get some clarity on what’s going on, okay?
MonsterMash: It’s been almost a MONTH without a post, so clearly she’s profoundly and irreparably broken. Clearly she was never cut out for this writing thing. Clearly she’ll never be able to post again. Clearly —
Havi: Clearly you’re feeling really upset and anxious and worried, because you need to know that Susannah is going to be okay.
MonsterMash: Yes but how is she going to be okay when clearly she is such a mess and it’s been a month and there is NO LIGHT at the end of this tunnel!
Havi: That has to feel really frustrating, when you want her to find the way out of the tunnel and she can’t. Do you know why she can’t see the end of the tunnel and the light that’s there?
MonsterMash: Because there is no end there’s only tunnel!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is true?
Havi: Come on, look at her. Look at Susannah. Look at the tunnel. What is true?
MonsterMash: Susannah has her eyes closed.
Havi: That’s right. That’s why she can’t see any light. Do you know why she has her eyes closed?
MonsterMash: Because she feels boxed in. Because I crowded her. I scared her too good.
Havi: You scared her too well. Come on, you’re supposed to be writers.
The monster who thinks there’s no point, again.
MonsterMash: Fuuuuuuunnny. I didn’t mean to scare her. I mean, I did. Okay.
But I didn’t realize that she couldn’t see the light because of me. It doesn’t matter though because there’s no point.
Even if she does start writing, she’ll just realize what a waste of time it is. It’s better for her to let the blog die than to keep it going and make no money from it.
Havi: Who says she can’t make money from it? It’s pretty hard to find out if you won’t let her try.
That’s like a group of scientists running an experiment for five seconds and then deciding that it doesn’t work.
MonsterMash: How can she even think she’ll make money from this? What a joke!
Havi: You sound pretty sure of yourself. Isn’t this kind of one of those “the house always wins” scenarios?
You’ve fixed it so she’s so paralyzed by her own potential that she can’t create, and then you get to say “I told you so” when it doesn’t make money? Does that seem like fair play?
The real world.
MonsterMash: She should get a fair chance, yeah, theoretically. But the real world doesn’t work like that.
Havi: This is her world we’re talking about. I say we play fair.
MonsterMash: Okay, but it doesn’t matter anyway because she’s spent eleventy billion monster dollars on coaching and her attorney, so she’s screwed anyway.
Havi: From what I understand, she’s been getting some pretty shrewd advice from her support team.
And anyway, we already decided that it’s not fair to decide that she can’t make money until she’s had a fair shot. If she had six months with no monster talk, that might be a fair shot, but you guys won’t even give her a minute.
Have you ever tried another way?
MonsterMash: That’s bullshit. She’d be a failure without us too. Even more of one. That’s why we have to yell at her so much and then hide when she tries to talk to us.
Havi: Maybe. But how do you know? Have you ever tried it differently?
MonsterMash: No.
Havi: So …?
MonsterMash: Everyone will find out what a fraud she is!
Havi: You mean, when her people know that she goes through periods of struggle with her writing too?
I think her people will be hugely relieved to discover that. They’ll be able to identify with it.
The only way they could discover that she was a fraud (which she’s not) would be if she pretended to be perfect and to always be in flow. But she’s just being herself.
Uh oh.
MonsterMash: Uh oh that doesn’t sound good.
Havi: Guys, I’ve met Susannah. She’s awesome.
She’s super smart, really funny, very creative and has this wonderfully Susannah-ful way of articulating her thoughts. What is it that you don’t want her to discover? Why is it so important that she not see this?
MonsterMash: It will go to her head.
Havi: What does that mean?
MonsterMash: She’ll just see herself and then she’ll be disconnected.
Havi: But right now she can’t see herself and she’s ALSO disconnected. Isn’t there something in between?
MonsterMash: Hadn’t thought of that.
In between.
Havi: I think there’s something in between.
MonsterMash: Well, if she could see herself in the context of other writers.
If she could see how her being smart and funny helped them find their own smart and funny … that would be okay. It’s just not okay if she does it for herself.
Havi: Do you think she knows that? I mean, that this is your opinion?
MonsterMash: Dunno.
Prank calling.
Havi: If we let her open her eyes, and we helped her back to context, and we gave her room to breathe a little … and gave her permission to begin to feel her way to where it’s lighter…
MonsterMash: Well, don’t say it was our idea.
Havi: I wouldn’t.
MonsterMash: Can we tug her braid and run away?
Havi: What’s wrong with you?
MonsterMash: We need to play pranks when we get restless.
Havi: Okay, let’s go prank call some people. But first let’s give Susannah a giant magic flashlight and some rope and a map to the end of the tunnel, okay?
MonsterMash: PRANK CALLS!!!!
Havi (places giant magic flashlight, rope and map by Susannah’s feet)
And comment zen for today.
Oh, talking to monsters can be so hard and so painful.
I don’t at all mean to imply that it’s easy because it’s not. It really does take a lot of practice.** And you’ll want some negotiators too.
** See also my monster coloring book for extra help.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. And we try to meet each other with as much understanding as we can stand, which means we can talk about what works for us but we try not to give advice, unless someone specifically asks for it.
If you have loving words for Susannah, or if your monsters also like to make prank calls (or not — some monsters don’t even like cookies), you’re more than welcome to share. Internet hugs all around.
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Tiny observation: Often (my) monsters see things as either/or. Strongly either/or. Often not even that – they are *certain*. This way or COMPLETE DISASTER.
Helping them to gently see perhaps *perhaps* there might be an inbetween/inbetweens often gets a bit of shift.
(Just realised that I don’t see my monsters as monsters. They all seem like scared, young parts of me. Phew – that gives me a way to connect to the monster interviews. Realisation!)
.-= Andrew Lightheart´s last post … I got nothing but I like you =-.
My monsters are so quiet now. I did a lot of work to get them to sit quietly in the back of the bus and to let me drive without shrieking at me or trying to grab the wheel. It’s nice because now is when they might be shrieking because we have lost the boy, the dog, the apartment, the new apartment, etc. etc. etc.
But they seem to be all excited at the prospect of being vagabonds, so I’m letting them entertain themselves in the back of the bus with that thought while I continue on ahead.
.-= laine´s last post … At Loose Ends =-.
Andrew, I have a similar issue with my monsters. “Either you will succeed beyond your wildest dreams or you will fail horribly and everyone you have ever loved will mock you and leave you to be alone FOREVER and you’ll live in a microwave box (refrigerator boxes will be too good for you) under the bridge, and we can’t allow the latter, so we can’t allow you to do it.” It’s all binary, and since the possibility of Binary Positive isn’t good enough to risk Binary Negative…
I have some self-talking to do. (But the first monster I need to address is the Self-Talking Looks Silly And You’ll Get Made Fun Of And What Do You Really Think It Will Accomplish Anyway one. Which is odd, because I’ve done self-talk successfully before…)
.-= Chris Anthony´s last post … Everyday Delight 6 – 27 Colours Edition =-.
Supposing this Susannah-person wasn’t a native English speaker, how different would this conversation be? I mean, it is easier for speakers of major world languages to find right people for their writing, isn’t it?
Wow!
This is kindof exactly how I’m feeling!
I started writing stuff, and people found it and liked it, and then I got so terrified and blocked that I just couldn’t do it any more… And then I felt ashamed and terrified and like I’d let everyone down who had helped me or seen it and liked it, and ARGH failure again! Ick.
So I couldn’t bring myself to keep writing, and I deleted it…
Bleugh.
I’ve started again now – and I’m at the same point – a few days in, and I really really want to start writing about the stuff I really, really care about – but the more I care the more my monsters won’t be quiet because what-if-noone-gets-it? Or what-if-they-think-its-stupid?
This time, *hopefully* I can find a way through.
(My Monsters don’t want me to post this either.)
.-= ShimmerGeek´s last post … Fresh Meat =-.
Whoa; wait. Susannah, I think our monsters have been hiding out backstage and rehearsing the same scripts. Big hugs to you. I’m hoping your flashlight is pretty colors. And that maybe your rope is made of rainbow thread, too.
.-= Kylie´s last post … things i love on a thursday =-.
How much do I love this post!!!! My monsters are always pulling my braids, and they LOVE the word “never.”
.-= Nicola´s last post … No Mojo Wednesday =-.
Hey guys!
@Nicola – mine too! I’m pretty sure that NEVER is their favorite word. 🙂
@Johanka – that sounds like monsters talking, sweetie.
I definitely get how scary it feels when your potential audience seems much smaller.
And yet right people and audience is not necessarily connected at all to language, and instead of explaining why, I’ll give you an example.
One of my favorite writers: Sayed Kashua.
You’d think no one would read him, right? Most Palestinians and Israeli-Arabs aren’t going to read him because he:
a) writes in Hebrew
b) is subversive as hell
c) is an intellectual and therefore “other” and dangerous
d) is always talking about how much he drinks
e) sets a bad example
f) is friends with lefty Tel Aviv smartypants arty people.
And most Israelis aren’t going to read him because he:
a) is ANGRY, and justifiably so
b) is subversive as hell
c) says incredibly insulting things about the culture he lives and writes in
d) is an intellectual
e) has complex, subtle opinions
f) is invested in tearing down their world
So basically his entire audience would have to be intelligent, wry, hilarious, witty, Tel Aviv drunks.
Except that there are a LOT of us. AND he is a terrific writer. AND people talk about him. AND Europeans are interested in a subversive, marginal, critical-thinking writer.
So actually he has a HUGE audience, even though he writes in a language that only six million people read, most of whom despise him. I could go on, but I won’t.
I’ll just say: this one seems important. So definitely worth having someone negotiate with your monsters about.
Or maybe just planting some seeds with them about the idea that they should give you some more chances …
Hugs for the hard.
@everyone – love love love for all of this.
@Andrew – talking to hurt, sad, small selves is a *marvelous* practice, one that I do with my own selves all the time and one which I highly recommend.
And if that’s the right entry point for you into other aspects of this practice, yay! I love it. Do what is safe and comfortable for you, always.
For me, I make a distinction between talking to selves (hurt, misunderstood, scared parts of me) and talking to monsters.
The way I tell the difference:
My hurt selves would *never* say something like “you’re a talentless hack, stop trying already” or “there’s no point in ever trying anything ever again because you suck!!!!”
That (to me) is monster talk. And when I consciously interact with it, I can get through to the hurt selves underneath.
Obviously, monsters are ALSO part of us, they are internal — therefore they are from us and of us and related to us.
Unlike my various past and future selves who do not hide their love for me under layers of criticism, I see monsters more as the voices of internal programming.
Programming that a) exists for my own protection, b) is no longer necessarily something I need, and c) is keeping me from connecting to my sad, hurting selves.
Once I get to know my monsters and discover their sweetness and their love for me, the monster-voices dissolve and there is more room for me to meet my hurting selves.
So in my personal practice, talking to monsters is what I do if there is something preventing me from feeling compassion towards myself — all of my selves — and my internal world.
If it’s easier for you to go straight into talking to selves that need love and attention, that’s awesome. That’s something you know about yourself and that will be really useful. So go for it! 🙂
xox
I can feel this post stirring something in me.. something to do with my art and for the first time I can actually tell there are monsters. Your Not Really Creative and You Have Responsibilities! are pilot and co-pilot I think and there are a few passengers on the plane.
I think it’s time to play Ground Control and talk this baby down!
Thanks so much, Havi
I’m not sure why, but… I’m dreadfully tempted to prank call some Monsters and see what happens.
(It’s weird because I am totally not the prank call type)
This is totally lovely!
Firstly, I do love the end remark about not giving other people advice. I am so tired of advice.
But mostly, monsters!
I’ve been doing a lot of talking to The Monster in my head (I seem to have one, but it has many heads and is hydra-like).
What I noticed just this week was that The Monster makes itself very, very big a lot of the time, with its anxiety-claws and some really big physical pain that’s been tough to get over.
However, when I look at The Monster, it’s actually tiny, and very, very scared. It just makes itself look big in the way that animals puff themselves up to look large when they’re being threatened.
It’s so much less intimidating to know that it’s a small animal trying to make itself look big (I just thought of Cat in Red Dwarf for some reason), and much easier to deal with.
.-= Joely´s last post … Amnar Serial- 8 Aftermath =-.
Perfect. My monsters have been all over me lately, and they sound a lot like Andrew’s and Chris’s monsters. They (my monsters – not Chris and Andrew) are very much black-and-white, total world domination or complete failure in nature. Vexing.
I like your approach – calling them monsters, that is. I think I shall name mine and mock them. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. 🙂
.-= Kathleen Jaffe´s last post … Enough about me what about you =-.
Hey, yeah. I posted yesterday about talking to my monsters for the first time, and look at all the fun you all are having today!
So I am going to ignore the Everyone Will Think You Are A Pompous Windbag monster and invite you to read the exchange on my blog.
http://collidescopes.wordpress.com/2010/08/04/talking-to-monsters/
My eternal gratitude, Havi, for your wonderful work here!
Thank you so much.
Staci
.-= Staci´s last post … Talking to Monsters =-.
But the real world doesn’t work like that.
This is her world we’re talking about.
Oh, yes, this is something I really need to remember for myself: I get to have my world, because my world is a real world, too! There isn’t just One Real and True World. There are many, many individuals, creating their own experience. My world gets to be as important and as valid as anyone else’s.
Love to you, Susannah, and to you too, Havi!
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … Just a link today… =-.
@Tori
I’d LOVE to see what the result of that was – it could be awesome!
Andy
.-= Andy Dolph´s last post … Projections for The Planets – A look behind the scenes =-.
I’m just writing a post about not feeling able to write and waawaawaa all the judgements, anxiety, memory and needs that whisper, tickle, taunt and yearn for a little more attention.
So this post made me go weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yeah me me me this is me, me, me sweetie, this is me, this is me too. Ohhhhhh.
Recognition is a beautiful thing isn’t it?
And so I feel less alone when I know where you’ve been. Thanks for everything.
Love
x
.-= Leila Lloyd-Evelyn´s last post … Noticing the moment & pockets of inspiration =-.
love and gentleness to you susannah. i really relate to this. i recently found some writing i did, about 3 years ago, about why i couldn’t succeed with my workshops because i am a fraud. with a list of reasons why i am a fraud (!) i remember how painful that was at the time, but reading the list now made me giggle that i ever believed any of it. it’s amazing how much we grow when we’re willing to be honest and face what’s happening on the inside. i bet you are already out of the tunnel and shining brightly and writing madly… (or you will be very soon!)
and love to you too havi. i’m so grateful for what you share here. i mentioned you on my blog today because i was sharing some of my monster journaling.
.-= andrea´s last post … creative journaling monster portraits- monster boy =-.
@ Johanka – If I spoke your language I might be thinking “booo! all these thousands of cool people write their blogs in English or French or Spanish, why is there hardly anyone writing a blog like this in my language?” And then if I found your blog, I might think “wow how cool!” and tell all my friends. And I might think “how lovely to be able to write comments in my own language and know the blog’s owner will understand”.
.-= Jennifer´s last post … Systems- people and the death of Khyra Ishaq =-.
Love to you, Susannah.
It takes courage to talk to monsters, and it takes even more courage to trust other people to see our monsters!
Cheers to Havi..
~
Amy Martin
.-= Amy Martin´s last post … The One Where I Talk About Thai Food- & The Temptation To Dilute Your Brand =-.
I know I’m a bit late to the game, I’m new to this site and these concepts. (Great site btw!)
But I have a question… What do you do if your “monsters” don’t want to negotiate? What if they just refuse to budge? Im kind of running out of things to say to them.
I’m trying to talk to the “ill be humiliated if I try to become an actress” monster but nothing I say helps. It’s deeply ingrained since childhood and doesn’t want to listen! Or the “I can’t do anything except for the thing that makes me feel so unfulfilled because Im just a talentless hack” monster. I have so many monsters… 🙁