Yesterday was full of iguanas and other things I didn’t feel like doing.
It was also full of doubt and discouragement.
Serious discouragement.
And too much of it.
Overwhelmed by the post-vacation catch-up game.
A weird and unexpected case of writer’s block.
Not hearing back about the lease for The Playground.
Getting disconnected. Forgetting why I do this. Not in the mood. Poor me, etc.
And most of the things that normally pull me back out weren’t doing the trick.
Anyway. At the end of the day I made a list of what did help, a little.
And put it by the bed in case the discouragement monsters were planning to stop by for a visit this morning.
Things that were helpful yesterday afternoon and may possibly also be helpful today.
Permission.
As in, permission to feel like crap.
I am allowed to feel discouraged.
Even though it feels very not okay that I am deep in the discouragement, this is where I am. Right now. Not forever. Just right now.
It’s temporary. And it’s how I’m feeling. And it doesn’t need to say anything deep about who I am. It’s a mood. It isn’t the whole of me.
And even though I want to be over it already, I am allowed to have a day where I lose my passion.
Reminders that this is normal.
All of it.
It’s normal to avoid things you care about.
It’s normal to doubt yourself.
It’s normal when you’re in the hard to think that it will always be hard.
Sometimes things are just not that fun. Understandable. I still don’t have to like it, but there isn’t anything weird about it.
There is a reason.
There is a reason for why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling, even if I can’t remember what it is or access the truth of it.
I don’t mean cosmic explanations or finding silver linings. I mean:
The endless wondering but why is it like this isn’t that helpful.
There are plenty of perfectly good reasons for me to be feeling discouraged, disconnected, confused.
And even without knowing exactly what they are, I can give myself that sense of this is a legitimate thing to be feeling.
What got you here won’t get you there.
Oh bless that book I didn’t like with the great title for giving me the most perfect, helpful phrase ever.
This is what reminds me that things are different now.
And in order to establish a new pattern, I can’t necessarily use the stuff that worked for me in the past.
It’s time to switch things up. It’s time to let go of my need to rely on what has been true for me before and to start asking what is needed now?
Just one thing.
When all else fails, I can always do just one thing.
Whatever I’m saying to myself? Probably the monsters.
All that stuff about how there’s no point and why even bother and everything sucks and I’m just not that good at this.
It’s not me. It’s them.
And so I pull out my monster-watching guide and I talk to them.
Or if I can’t talk to them, I remind myself that this is not the truth of who I am.
Editing the Book of You.
The nice thing about pulling out the Book of You is that even if the stuff in there doesn’t help, the act of editing it puts you into detective mode.
You aren’t identifying with the hard so much as learning about how it works and how you interact with it.
So, for example, yesterday I noted that the “taking a walk makes everything better” rule doesn’t hold if you walk somewhere crowded and busy.
And that when I can’t dance or do yoga or Shiva Nata, reclining on the floor and breathing totally counts.
And breathing. Again.
Four count inhale. Eight count exhale.
Legs up on the wall. Five minutes of just breathing.
This has gotten me through things too hard to write about on the blog.
It will be one of the things that will help me through this.
What would Andrey do?
There are four people in this world whom I admire so intensely that just invoking them makes things better.
My teachers. Andrey and Orna. My friend Hiro. My uncle Svevo.
Just remembering what it’s like to be around someone who turns inward.
Someone who makes seclusion a priority.
Someone who isn’t impressed by my stuff or the fact that I have it.
Someone who loves me unconditionally.
Someone who can practice sovereignty with grace and ease.
Someone who knows that discouragement is a part of a bigger whole.
Remembering this brings back that spark of hopefulness.
The truth is, it doesn’t even matter so much what it is that helps.
What matters is having stuff to try.
That conscious process of experimentation.
The part of you who knows that there will be comfort and support eventually.
What I’m telling myself this morning:
The next time discouragement shows up, your relationship to it will be slightly different. Because your relationship to yourself will be slightly different.
Slightly. It counts.
And … comment zen for today.
People vary. Techniques vary. What you need at any given time will vary.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff.
Follow
*breathes*
I had that day, too.
Maybe I’m having that week. Or month.
Thank you for this. Well timed refocusing.
Onward.
.-= Sarah´s last post … The Genderfork Effect =-.
Thanks so much for sharing this, Havi. I’ve spent a lot of time in the last couple of days fretting about whether there are reasonable (healthy) explanations for where I am now or whether it’s me getting pulled into old (unhealthy) patterns again. I’ve been slowly recognizing that this isn’t necessarily an either/or question. Reading your words this morning is a really good reminder that regardless of why I’m here, it’s where I am right now. And now I’m off to search for some kindness and gentleness and compassion for dealing with where I am right now.
Thank you.
I was feeling anxious yesterday, too, so I (finally) started to read “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk,” (which has been sitting on my bookshelf for 3 years now–eek!) and by page 45 I GOT it. All of the NVC stuff snapped into place. I just needed to see examples and cartoons, I guess. Oh my gosh! Now I know how to negotiate with myself! I put the book down and proceeded to have an out-loud conversation with myself. I would say something and then the other me would say, “Oh, mmm, wow, such-and-such is really important to you, isn’t it?” And then me-me would say in a small voice, “Yes.” I really felt listened to by myself. It made me feel so much better. And today I feel slightly different. Wow. I should know all this by now, but yesterday I really understood it in a way I hadn’t before. Listening to and acknowledging feelings and giving them permission to exist is magic.
.-= Kelly Parkinson´s last post … The Case of the Serial Comma =-.
Feeling for you, Havi.
My yesterday started out all pelicans-and-cavorting-dolphins, and ended with landing in the rain and driving home through too much traffic in which I restrained myself and managed to flip only one person the bird.
Isn’t it sucky/interesting, how you can know that the discouragement is only a moment, but it’s still so hard to carry it lightly? It helps to see that you (and other biggified people) go through this too. That it’s just another part of the whole, and there’s nothing defective about it. (Another thing I know, that is hard to carry lightly.) 😉
Love you, Havi. Just that. I got nothing else to say.
Just, I love you.
I’m sorry for the hard. I get it too. I mean…I GET it. It’s rough and, yeah, putting your feet up on the wall sounds perfect. I like to flop on my bed the way I used to when I was a teenager and just hang over the edges, play with the rug and just be EMPTY. Empty helps. (We should install a delete button on our body so we can hit it and do a full on dumping of the hard.
Oh man, this is one of those days for me. But then, lately I have more of ‘those’ days than usual. Manic much? But reading this helped me remember there IS good stuff. And maybe a place that I could start to DO something (rather than always feeling or thinking something) would be to focus on one, single thing. That’s calming. Why is it we overwhelm and go under when just one thing is all we can really do anyways? Multi-tasking…huh. Hubby can do it and not flip out. But for me this One Thing is good medicine. Thanks!
I’m sure everything is going to work out for you so perfectly that there will be stars and fire works and balloons. I know it for you. I believe it for you.
I hope you’re feeling better now, Havi.
It was good to read this today. I’m having a rotten Chronic Fatigue crash at the moment and I’ve been feeling very discouraged because I hate it when my life is effectively on hold. I’m trying to focus on the few things I can do instead of the very many things that I can’t but honestly, it’s hard. And my monsters are making lots of ‘oh my god, how can you expect to have a career when you keep getting sick’ noises at me. Which is very unhelpful of them.
I know from bitter experience that all I can do is take my vitamins & rest a LOT until my body feels like playing again. But maybe I can just give myself permission to feel sad about it because you know what, it sucks to have a longterm illness.
.-= Kirsty Hall´s last post … Still Life =-.
I sympathize deeply, Havi. I hope you don’t mind if I exercise a little self-indulgence here, because to tell you the truth, I don’t really feel like I can put this on my blog (it’s Too Personal, and right now I’m working through my feelings on being Too Personal on my blog when I’m trying to start a business on the site attached to it), and I don’t really feel like I have anyone I can talk to about it (because I feel like I’m going to get Judgment and/or Suggestions that I just don’t want right now), and you have done an excellent job of making me feel safe here.
This has been a hard week.
At the end of February I had an anxiety attack and was hospitalized for it, and when I was released they gave me a month’s prescription for antidepressants and told me I should go to a clinic (I don’t have a doctor) and talk to someone in order to get the prescription lengthened. But money’s been tight, and the free clinic opens at just the wrong time so that when I get there they’re full for the day, and so here I am, nearly two months later, having been scrimping and saving my antidepressant pills (one every two days, then one every three days, and so on). And on Monday I took the very last one, and now I’m completely out and I can’t get a refill because, well, money’s still tight and the free clinic’s hours are still prohibitive. And so I’m coming down off the last vestiges of the antidepressants and feeling bad that I can’t get any more.
Plus, I’m trying to start a business this week designing WordPress themes, and I’m struggling with the Nobody’s Going To Want This monster and the Everybody Else Is Already Doing That, Idiot monster and the Why Do You Think You’re Good Enough To Run A Business monster and the What If The Other Monsters Are Wrong And You’re Wildly Successful And Then You Can’t Handle It, Better Just Not Try monster. My monstriary is getting rather full and I haven’t even got the website up.
Plus, I’m feeling disconnected and like I’m unwelcome and unwanted in the vast majority of places I go (online and off), and the people I want to hear from most won’t talk to me, and so I’m lonely.
I’m doing my best to not let on, because I know that what other people want to see is a Happy, Well-Adjusted, On Top Of Things Chris (that’s what I want to see, too, desperately), but I’ve also gotten very good at not letting people see what I’m really feeling, and right now I’m feeling very alone and like nothing I do will fix that or make any of my life problems better.
I don’t know what to do. And I don’t mean to solicit Advice or Suggestions, this solution has to come from within. I just needed to talk about it in a safe place. And the truth is that your post today did help. Even if I can’t figure out how to change my relationship to my discouragement and stress, being reminded that it’s possible really goes a long way to giving me a solid place to stand. So thank you, and thank you for letting me co-opt your comments, and I wish only the best for you. (And I hope the call about the Playground lease comes in soon.)
.-= Chris Anthony´s last post … The Persistence of Memory =-.
@Kirsty – oh how painful and hard. I’m sorry. That’s got to be really challenging. Sending love!
@Wulfie – stars and fireworks and balloons! Yay.
@Karen – mwah! Me too.
@Amna – ooh, yes. Flipping the bird vs actual pelicans. On one day. Goodness. It’s amazing we don’t go completely mad.
@Kelly – me too me too me too! I love that book so much (I guess you probably know that already since I can’t shut up about it) and really because those drawings convey everything so perfectly. Yay. I’m glad. What a great description of being heard. You must feel so relieved!
@Steph – mmmm. Oh good. I’m glad.
@Sarah – kiss!
I have been working through the discouragement too. After the results of last month’s presentation and the reaction to my blog post about it I have basically just gone through the motions of things, no art, small inklings of self-nurturing. It’s good to have these reminders that this is not permanent, and too will pass.
Thank you. 🙂
.-= Andi´s last post … Reboot of Doom =-.
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I’m right there too. Maybe it’s something in the stars? Seems like a lot of people are in this.
I am reminding myself to do one tiny thing.
Today, it’s drinking water. Sounds kind of ridiculous, but it’s always the first thing I forget to do when I’m feeling low.
Thanks, Havi, for explaining so well. It’s easy to forget that it’s not going to last forever. Makes me think of those moments in the midst of the non-sucky yoga when I’ve just come out of a long-held pose and my spine is just crying from achiness…it is a temporary discomfort. And sometimes it’s good to just sit with the discomfort and let it be what it is.
.-= Emily´s last post … Shadow Surveillant =-.
I know that stuck feeling all to well. If you believe in that sort of thing it is Mercury in Retrograde for a few more weeks. (http://www.astrologyzone.com)
But when I got your Shiva Nata DVD with a hand written note, I can’t tell you how special I felt and what I said in my head was “she is doing something right”. I can’t wait to get started and I thank you for your help in getting me off one path and giving me access to another.
T
Look, Havi, you wrote all these nice posts about the start-up of your new project and all the time one little thing was tickling my mind. It’s Mercury Retrograde right now and it would be like this for some two more weeks. When Mercury is in apparent retrograde motion there are all problems with communication and travel. Not getting where you want on time, losing data, etc. It is also not recommended to sign contracts during that time because when Mercury turns direct again you will get some additional valuable decision – making information.
Personally, I have found that there is a lot of truth in this. Not major problems but a lot of little frustrating ones. So I’ve learnt to accept that during this phase it is going to be like that. Even today I left the office building at least three times all the time miscommunicating with people until I finally managed to leave the building. 🙂
Breathing does help.
My Thing of the Day: I need to find housing for next year, which I have never done before (sublet, yes; signing my own lease with a private owner or company, no), and in a far-away town that I have visited exactly once. It’s frightening, and stressful, and it’s swallowing up everything else, even things that need my attention right now. It’s been doing this all week. Not super helpful.
So. Trying again to give it a place to live in. Trying to tell myself that it really will be okay if I leave it there while I do other things. Trying to reassure my monsters that we are going to find something that will work out just right, and we aren’t going to wind up penniless or living in a cardboard box. And trying to give myself a little credit for trying.
And breathing. And hugs for everyone who wants them.
O my dear Havi, hugs and hugs and hugs to you and your monsters! Thanks for such a great reminder of so many things.
I especially needed to click on the link re: avoiding things you care about. I am rather stuck there right now with finishing the damn walls of my studio! Both these posts made me feel like there is actually hope, and that I’m not crazy for feeling like this.
Blowing over some Love Wind for your pirate sails today.
(Hey, the wind can’t blow ALL the time, can it? This too shall pass.)
xxoo
Havi, love, love and more love. And a little, glimpsy reminder of the Magnificence of You.
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Playful Discovery: The Cure for Internet Hangover =-.
Oh, the stuckness and awfulness of the Mercury Retrograde. I won’t even start on yesterday, which was full of miscommunication and wasted time and technology snafus. May 11 is the end. We’re 4 days in. I try not to believe in the Mercury Retrograde, but whenever I feel as discouraged as I do right now, someone mentions the MR.
On the Iguana post yesterday, I mentioned having to send the Email of Doom and my monsters telling me I am going to get fired for Speaking Up and Protecting Myself. I hit send this morning and got the scary WTF email from the new big boss, including the “no way are you stopping this project” and the veiled threat of what will happen if I don’t. So now, I am so discouraged. However …
I keep doing Havi’s naming exercise (pink phone, chewed pencil, energy-eating frog, scary email … I am here) and it works to center me a little. And I keep reminding myself that my usual pattern when I dare to Speak Up and Protect Myself is then to run and hide, and it does not get me what I need. So my Run and Hide monster is yelling at me and my This Is Too Much So Just Give In And Suck It Up monster is egging him on and I’m standing with my feet planted and a look of compassion for myself and saying this time, I will stand in the fire and not shrink back.
I have imagined the worst, and if it happens it happens. I have imagined the best and if it happens it happens. All the other varieties are too many to imagine, so now, I’m letting it go and doing the one thing I can do: breathe.
To everyone who’s feeling discouraged, I love you.
.-= lynn @ human, being´s last post … Days of Grace: 337/365 =-.
You’re not the only one who had a craptastic day yesterday. May be there is something to Mercury being in retrograde. I kept telling myself it was okay to feel crappy. Sometimes my period makes me feel crappy, depressed, and pretty much non-human. It’s fine. It’s normal. Not sure it made it any better, and I did not get anything done. But at least I didn’t beat myself up all day yesterday, which I would have done a year ago.
.-= Shawna R. B. Atteberry´s last post … Does It Really Mean “Helpmate”? =-.
Ohhh…thank you, Havi. This post is chock-full of essential nutrients, just the kind of thing I need right now to feel nourished. I’ll be re-reading it several times over the next day or two, I suspect. Meanwhile, I think I’ll try moonwalking with Mercury, and see what happens.
@Chris: hug!
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … Liberation =-.
Wow, I can relate to so much of what people are writing…I have had bad anxiety the past few days, and I haven’t been able to figure it out. Maybe there *is* something in Mercury’s Retrograde. I have also had really terrible nightmares, with my Worst Dream Monsters visiting me in my sleep, and then my Mean Awake Monsters trying to make sense of it all, and as a result, making me even more anxious.
Like others, I have also been using Havi’s naming strategy to refocus and bring me back to today. Havi, I have also used legs up the wall and breathing to help me through trauma. Sept 11 comes to mind. I spent much of that day doing legs up the wall.
I just have to say that I really do feel safe in this environment that you, Havi, and all the ‘commenter mice’ have created. I’m really grateful to know that I’m not the only sensitive/super-self-process-y person out there, because some days I sure do feel like it.
It’s also refreshing, Havi, to know that even the most seemingly productive, ground-breaking, smart, innovative people (YOU!) has days where she doubts, loses resolve, and whose passion fades. No matter what, though, we always (re)work our strategies to learn still more about ourselves.
I was thinking the other day what a staple your blog is in my daily life. I’m so grateful for it…and for what you offer to this community!
.-= Dawn´s last post … On Being an Independent Scholar =-.
I should print this out and put pieces of it on my walls, so that I can see at least one of these ideas wherever I go.
I woke up today feeling hopeful and full of ideas, and now, for several reasons and not-reasons, I’m feeling overwhelmed and too tired to think, much less DO.
Reality has confused me, again.
I want to dance and sing and leap and splash paint on a canvas. Instead, I’m extremely aware of my bad knee, my aches, my age, the monsters that are shrieking about no money, no talent, waste of time. In other words, the “noes” when I want to hear “YES!” (Doesn’t have to be those things, literally, just… creation, as opposed to fear and drudgery.)
Going to put my legs up the wall and breathe. Thanks, Havi.
There is a reason for why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling, even if I can’t remember what it is or access the truth of it.
Thank you so much for this.
Today I was/am overwhelmed and disconnected and fuzzybrained.
It’s slightly better than it was 5 hours ago and I sat down and tried to solve “why”.
Mostly I was left with question marks.
Coming down with a cold?
Is it yesterday’s traumatic and necessary realization that I feel invisible sometimes when I want to be seen? The thesis half-done?
Maybe it’s a stroke?
Maybe I just need a hug?
Maybe I need to give a hug?
Maybe, maybe , maybe, maybe…
I needed this to remind me that I can’t always access the truth of it and that’s ok.
Thanks so much for this post Havi! So timely. Yesterday I felt like I was gonna get eaten alive by all the iguanas. Today is far from great but much much better; hope your today is better too!
If anyone wants to celebrate with me, today I dropped in the mail FOUR years of taxes I’m finally filing for both myself & my boytoy! (Before anyone points out I’m past the deadline, I’m Canadian (obligatory “eh?” here) and our deadline is April 30th not 15th.) Since both boytoy & I were owed small refunds for each of the past years the government wouldn’t care if we never filed them, but I have been suffering uber-ginormous-guilt around this since May 1, 2007 when that first deadline passed without it getting done. I’m trying to celebrate & say “YAY GO ME!” rather than my usual monster-y “What kind of colossal loser doesn’t do their taxes for 4 years?! Blah blah blah You Suck blah blah blah Seriously what is wrong with you?! blah blah blah” sort of script that normally goes through my head at moments like this.
Oh, and @Chris Anthony: I took my last dose of antidepressant on Tuesday night, because my doctor has the stupidest scheduling system ever & I wasn’t able to get in to get a refill. I feel your pain. 🙁
Lots of *hugs* to everyone. Why is there always more than enough hard to go around? It’d be nice to run out every once in a while.
.-= Holly´s last post … Some Days Are Better (Just Not This One) =-.
Is it ok if I want to give everyone here a hug? It just happens that at the moment I’m not feeling discouraged, so I feel that I have some energy and good vibes to share. Lots of love to everyone.
And I feel awed that all of you, Havi and her readers, should be so generous in sharing your discouragements. It’s actually a source of hope and encouragement, if that makes any sense…
So, hugs to you, wonderful people who have created this safe (and sacred, if my This is So Cheesy Delete Immediately monster will allow me to say so) space in which it is possible to acknowledge discouragement.
Thank you.
Because hugs are in order and so is a coupon series good for napping anytime – including bed times as early as you want to make them.
I personally used one of mine yesterday.
Sigh Zzzzzzz, Zzzzzzz
I wrote about this today too. Well, sort of. I’d internalized my discouragement so much I didn’t realize it. Until today. Realizing what’s my stuff, what’s not when it comes to the physical reactions I have when someone asks what I’m doing and I think of my Thing.
In letter form, no less:
Spaztastic! Coming to you live from the realm of reason…
I hope you’re feeling better. FYI, I’m wearing kickass knee socks right now that I wouldn’t have if not for you and your Sock Dreams rec last December.
.-= claire´s last post … Gettin’ My Groove On… (vol. xv) =-.
permission to feel like crap?
revolutionary!
.-= Tami´s last post … Yoga+Music(notquite365) – You Are Free by Cat Power – The Recipe Edition! =-.
Thank you for this. I think it’s safe to say that there are plenty of us who grope around in the discouragement fog and wonder What would Havi do? Concrete ideas are super helpful. And it’s also pretty comforting to know that the answer is not always “float on a pink cloud of serenity in peaceful lotus pose.” (Not that anyone would accuse you of that!) And that we all go through the same stuff. So, really, thanks to everyone. Here’s hoping that the weather and Mercury and our monsters, funks and brain chemistries take turns for the better.
.-= Sandra´s last post … Hitched in Japan (Not me, relax, Mom) =-.
I have just found your blog and there is sooooooo much information for me to catch up on. I love your outlook on life and Selma is fantastic.
The fact that you say it is normal to avoid things you care about…
Thank you. You remind me that we are human and we are allowed to be human–with all the ups, downs and middles it contains.
I look forward to hanging out and exploring what you have to say.
.-= Kari Wolfe´s last post … The Lure of Collecting =-.
And, I got the expected WTF you can’t stop this project answer to my email of doom. So now I’m walking around mumbling like a freak (black toenail polish, blue toothbrush, andirons, TV remote, purring cat … I am here).
I am trying to let myself be in this place of yuck and it is so freaking hard not to medicate it away.
.-= lynn @ human, being´s last post … Days of Grace: 337/365 =-.
Well, so, this post has unbelievably spookily accurate timing for me. This afternoon I got done with my first PT session, and I felt disoriented and weird and now I just feel disconnected and quiet and, well, kind of lonely. So not only has this post inspired me to create the Book of Me, but this post is going to be the first thing that goes INTO the book. (Even though part of my head is suggesting that discouragement is temporary ONLY for everyone else in the world and not for me . . . I’m thinking I secretly know better than that.)
Many thankyous.
‘… Someone who makes seclusion a priority.’
Just that sentence is worth my subscription right there (wait a minute…)
Sending love for the hard and the navigating.
(And thank you for The Book of Me… Veeeeeery useful.)
.-= Andrew Lightheart´s last post … How to present like Hans Rosling =-.
This post has been like the proverbial manna for me this week. I seem to be hosting the dicouragement conference 2010 in my brain right now and this has helped. A lot. Thanks.