So. I tend to talk quite a bit here about flying shoes.
Well, about destuckifying when those shoes are hurtling towards you.
And also about the relationship between shoe throwing and sovereignty.
If none of this is making sense …
Shoe-throwing = people saying hurtful things out of nowhere.
Sovereignty = the state of not giving a damn what people think … because you are the king or queen of your mental and emotional space.
Anyway.
Now we have a chance to talk about this some more.
About once a year Selma (my duck) and I teach one class that’s open to the public.
It’s called the Habits Detective call.
And here’s how it’s completely different from all of our other classes:
No charge. No prerequisites.
The subject/theme is always generally related to destuckification and rewriting patterns, but other than that … pretty much up for grabs.
And this time I thought it could be good to go a bit more in-depth into the whole shoe thing.
Stuff we might cover.
Oh, things like what to do when you get hit by what you perceive to be a giant shoe … but the other person involved doesn’t get that you’re in pain.
Or what to do when someone you love is convinced they’ve just had the biggest shoe ever thrown at them, but you’re positive that it wasn’t even slightly meant to be a shoe.
Dealing with criticism (external and/or internal).
Or anything else even slightly related to this that you want to talk about.
Things you should know about this call.
- This is a teleclass which means it happens over the phone.
If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, there’s a page on what a teleclass is and one on general protocol stuff.
- You do have to sign up for it to get the phone number and access code.
This is not to put you on a marketing list because that’s not my thing.
Actually, I don’t even have one. Not having one is on my dammit list. Asking people to sign up helps my pirate crew track the interest level and make
administrativepirate-ey decisions based on that information.**Though if you’re wishing there were a “hey, Havi’s doing a thing” list, there is a small, private one that you can sign up for on the events page. I announce something maybe every few months.
- The call is THIS TOOZDAY (that’s March 2nd, 2010) at 1pm Pacific.
We usually go about an hour.
- If you’ve signed up for the call, you will be sent a link to the recording, assuming the technology gods are on our side.
- If you have a question you’d like to see covered in the call, go ahead and leave it in the comments section of this post. Thanks!
- The purpose of class is not to pitch stuff. I won’t be mentioning products or programs that I do. It’s for us. To hang out and learn together.
- We usually get a few hundred (smart, interesting, sweet, goofball) people signing up for these. Fun!
That’s it!
Uh huh.
Shoes! And what to do about them.
Class is THIS TOOZDAY.
You can sign up for it here and that will give you a. access to the call and b. a link to the recording when it’s up (within a day or two of the call).**
** Note: Anyone who emails my pirate crew asking if there will be a recording or when it’s going to be up will probably have to walk the plank.
And again, if you have questions for the call or stuff you want to make sure we cover, leave it here in the comments so I know where to find it.
Monday we’ll have the weekly Very Personal Ad, and then, who knows, maybe I’ll get to talk to you on Toozday. Yay! Looking forward.
Follow
WOOOT! Teleclass. Can’t wait!
.-= chicsinger simone´s last post … Monster negotiations =-.
I’ll be there! Yay! Thank you so much, Havi, for being so generous with your time and knowledge. Your work is such a source of comfort and inspiration to me, and I am very grateful.
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … This probably shouldn’t surprise me… =-.
Yay for teleclass! Are you going to talk about shoes we throw at ourselves? (That’s where most of my shoes come from right now.)
.-= Shawna R. B. Atteberry´s last post … Article up on Divine Caroline =-.
I really like this analogy of throwing shoes. The parts about when shoes are thrown and people don’t realise they even threw them is really intriguing. Look forward to the call.
.-= Dan´s last post … The Way Things Are Supposed To Be =-.
Hurrah for the Habits Detective!
Havi, I would love to hear you talk more about the shoes we throw at ourselves…
More specifically, how do we recognise (and respond in a helpful way to) self-inflicted shoes, as opposed to accepting whatever we are saying to ourselves as TRUTH and feeling terrible about it?
I’d like to third what Shawna and rebecca said.
I seem to throw an awful lot of shoes at myself sometimes, and I’d love to figure out how to make peace with the parts of myself that throw shoes and then run away when I try to talk to them.
I can’t wait for the call!! this is exciting!
Andy
.-= Andy Dolph´s last post … Chicken Techno =-.
I second the self-inflicted shoe question. I’d also love to discuss ways to handle those shoes that masquerade as ‘helpful advice,’ or ‘honest feedback’ or ‘just saying.’ I could go on about the disguises, but I think you get the point.
Thanks and I’m looking forward to being there!
.-= Liz´s last post … Do-Overs and High-Fives: I need a do-over for the Do-Overs =-.
I really struggle with this one: My teenager throws a lot of shoes at my preteen (and at me and my husband, too). Meanwhile, I’m busy throwing shoes at her in my mind but not in actual mouth action (well. maybe once in a while) because, you know, I’m way too evolved to throw shoes.
So anyway, how the hell do we stop someone from throwing shoes at someone else, when we’re not directly involved (other than as a pained observer)? Or is that not our business, even if the shoe-er and shoe-ee are your kids?
Ugh.
.-= Mrs. Ditter´s last post … Honoring a Deceased Parent’s Birthday =-.
Yee Haw! Thanks!
Hey
I will listen avidly after the event and am very much looking forward to it! Humungus thanks for sharing Havi and Selma!
In terms of a potential question for the call here’s mine. Cool if tis not possible. It’s probably much more about self autonomy though than shoe throwing though I think so many not be appropriate.
I would love to hear more about the ways you managed to follow your intuition, even as far back in the day when you worked in the bar hidden away from the world? Were you always about the Yoga and meditation even then or did you have an inner voice which turned up and said go there, do this, do that?
Are you aware of how you managed to follow your instinct – so that you took what became the right next step for you? I seem to remember (yes I search those archives) that you have spoken about difficult times and yet you still managed to to tune into another aspect of yourself which knew what was the next necessary step. Or you sensed what might be the right step and in spite of any self doubt you went from there.
I have an abundance of ideas nowadays but get confused about which to give my attention to. Especially since it is unfamiliar terrain. Blog? E book? Radio show? Workshops? Documentary maker/interviewer about awesome healers, inspirational people. You get the idea!
As always huge thanks for the space and the generosity of your sharing!
Lots of love and thanks. No worries if you aren’t able to respond on the call!
Wo woooo!
Leila x xx
My question involves the filters in your own self that turn innocent (or not so innocent) comments into “Boy, are you stupid.” It’s like a loaf of bread thrown your way that you turn into a shoe on the way in.
.-= Suzyn´s last post … KnitPicks Staff Picks Knit It Together =-.
Here’s a potential question for you that came to mind… what about when we assume that shoes are going to be thrown when they haven’t? For example: you say something and someone responds in sort of a curt way, and you take that as a shoe being thrown and react to the hypothetical shoe and create a big fat tizzy around it when you could have just let it go and it wouldn’t have been a big deal.
Hope that made sense. I tend to infer judgement a lot when it wasn’t there or even if it was, who cares? Of course it’s all clear in hindsight but not in the moment.
So, the whole “Throwing Flowers” thing I rambled on about last time?
Well, I’ve been thinking….If #4 “There is no shoe” is true then the opposite is also true “There are no flowers”. Hmmm. But I WANT there to be flowers…..just no shoes.
Also maybe with practice, the mind can turn the shoes into flowers in mid-air? Is it all just a trick of the mind?
Also, if you can throw shoes at yourself, then certainly you can throw flowers at yourself, right?
Looking forward to the teleclass whether you get around to discussing this or not.
Yes, questions – I like to collect shoes. I mean I don’t really like to collect shoes but that seems to be what I do unconsciously.
I don’t want to do that anymore…
It’s really hard because I know that audible things go directly into my unconscious and most of the time it’s days before I even realize I’ve nicely taken the shoe, lined it up in my closet and am anxiously waiting for the next shoe to show so I have a full set of shoes.
Suggestions? Techniques? Ways I can recognize the unconscious shoe acceptance as it’s happening, so it doesn’t?
Thanks for being you and sharing you and your process.
what about something along the lines of figuring out if there is some value to the shoe. Like maybe the message had some actual kernel of useful thing even though it was delivered via shoe. And showing a trusted friend the shoe could help you move from “ow, I’m hurt, they suck” to “oh, you mean maybe my message is really scattered lately and its frustrating my readers so some of them are leaving?” [trying to think of what a useful shoe might be.] And then you’d move on and leave the shoe behind since you got what you needed out of it.
Sort of follows on Serena’s question about not looking for shoes everywhere, but makes the shoes useful when they do show up.
And, making oneself impervious to shoes.
I’m interested in hearing about when it’s appropriate to stay put as the shoes fly, and how to do so. My deepest impulse is to run away–either physically removing myself from the space or mentally/emotionally checking out from the interaction. But running away doesn’t satisfy; it doesn’t seem to support my sovereignty. What are some of *your* alternatives to the “fight or flight” model?
Thank you! Looking forward to the call.
I think I need to work on the intersection of shoes that other people might or might not be throwing at me, but which I interpret as shoes because they look very similar to the shoes I throw at myself.
For example: My manager asking for a status update on something I feel like hasn’t progressed does not automatically mean that he thinks I’m a slacker who hasn’t made any progress (though I often think it does). He’s probably really just asking for information (most of the time). The rest of it is (probably) me being defensive without need.
I need to know how to say “This was a shoe. It hurt. Please stop.” and really believe that I have the right to ask for the shoe throwing to stop no matter how the other person sees it.
Especially when the other person says things like: “You are blowing this out of proportion”, “You can’t take criticism”, “I’m just trying to help.”, “Why do you have to take everything so personally”.
Looking forward to hearing the class! I’m sure it will be totally helpful. All the questions here sound awesome.
.-= Chen Shapira´s last post … Mapping the NoSQL space =-.
I’d echo the comments about shoes we throw at ourselves (how to recognize and responding). Also the comment about how to say to someone: “you threw a shoe. it hurts. please stop.” I tend to assume that I have to listen to the shoe (it’s polite, I owe it to them ..), no matter how much it hurts me.
Thank you, Havi!
How do you resist the urge to return fire when a hypocritical shoe has been thrown your way? In the moment, it often feels right to point out the shoe’s invalidity, but doing so, no matter how gently, usually comes across as chucking a shoe at the other person.
Any tips for avoiding throwing shoes when you know unequivocally that you’re right and the other person is wrong? For me this comes up in factual matters that can be verified with external sources. I’m much more conscious of it now and often do let things go when the details do not matter more than the possibility of making my also very HSP mom cry. And yet there are still times my desire to have it known that I am right, wins out.
Now I sound like a total tool, but overall it’s just with my mom that things can go so horribly wrong within a few words. She’s pretty firm on not changing her behavior, so the more tools I have to keep tabs on mine, the better.
.-= claire´s last post … Snow Geometry =-.
How do you deal with the shoe-throwing when they did, in fact, intend to throw a shoe (but think you shouldn’t mind that they threw a shoe because, you know, it’s ONLY THEIR OPINION) and it’s not the kind of relationship in which you can say, hey, wait, I need a moment to process this and get clear on what’s mind and what’s yours?
And especially how to deal with it when it’s a huge and intractable pattern of theirs (with external confirmation!) that comes up unexpectedly about random stuff you can’t predict and yet you can’t just avoid them?
Because all of that would make talking to my father much easier. 🙂
Julie
.-= Julie´s last post … Not quite right =-.
Teleclass! Yay! (. . . even though it looks like I have meeting overlap and rilly rilly can’t miss the other.)
hmm.
Teleclass mp3! Yay!
A question. I spend some time (not tons!) with folks (okay, it’s a relative) who like to embellish sometimes, and seem to say mean things quite often, in a story or directly, prefaced with “no offense, but.” I’ve finally figured out that a sideways shoe flick usually (always) follows. (Okay, sometimes it’s a full-on shoe torpedo, not a flick at all.) Now, I’m poised to shout “stop!” the next time I hear a “no offense, but” start to come out. And maybe follow it with “I don’t want to hear the mean thing that you’re about to say.” But I’m also with @Chen, and have been accused with those same words (“you’re blowing this out of proportion,” or, “I wasn’t saying anything mean about you, so what’s the problem?” and so on). I’m trying to work out an adult relationship here, and would like to do so in the most mindful way I can. That, and change someone else’s behaviour when they’re around me. 😉 Help?
And happy bubble-blowing time, Havi. Bubbles! Yay!
I’d love to hear a bit about dealing with criticism. I’m getting better at coping with criticism (because sometimes there is useful stuff in it, and sometimes it’s just meanness, and being able to tell one from the other & get the useful if it’s there is a positive thing), but my immediate reaction is always WAH CANNOT COPE.
I figure this is all part of the sovereignty thing — that trusting my own judgement/decisions/abilities/etc helps me be calm about criticism (and about shoes generally). But I would like to think more about this.
Unfortunately I’m non-US-based so won’t be able to phone in, but I will be listening afterwards.
.-= Juliet´s last post … linky linky =-.
Lots of others here with questions about shoes we throw at ourselves; I’ll be listening carefully to any insight about that, because I can be so mean to myself.
The other shoe-throwing that really hurts, and that I need help dealing with, are the ones that appear to be thrown with love, but are really not so much. My partner is usually very supportive, but every once in a while, he acts as though I haven’t noticed that I’ve been unemployed for a year, and he needs to point out some “facts”. Yeah. I know partly it’s just his worry showing, and I deal with it accordingly, but first, I end up in fetal position. Another example: Someone who’s been super helpful to me–teaching me things, giving me time on equipment, etc., but every once in awhile, ZING with the shoe about something I’m dealing with, as though I should stop feeling what I’m feeling or being who I am. It always throws me. I said something after the last one, which helped, but still. I didn’t like the WHAP.
I get defensive, and I don’t want to be that way; it doesn’t feel like owning my space and my self.
I’ll be at work @1pm, but I plan on listening later on. Could you do a transcript too, possibly. (Like the state of the union, sometimes I’d rather go back and read because I’m think about what’s been said rather than listening to what is being said currently.) Just a thought.
My question is about internal shoes. I have a habit of throwing shoes at myself in my head. I worry if I’m doing enough, being present enough. I try, but I would like more confirmation. I need a mental hug everyday. From myself and the people in my life. Especially Tuesdays. But sometimes that isn’t possible, and I’m trying to be understanding and rational about it, and it’s hard. I know they love me, and support me, but sometimes my brain forgets. Help me hold the love better?
My shoe-related stuckness involves differences of opinion about shoes and sovereignty. What happens if you — not you-Havi, but some hypothetical you — think I threw a shoe at you and I am convinced I did not? Or vice versa? How can we both keep our crowns on our heads while considering the validity of the other point of view? If we can’t agree, then what?
This pretty much only matters to me in my closest relationships — in the rest, there’s more room for staying away from potentially shoe-infested topics, at least — but it matters a lot there.
You touched on something once that was so interesting – about avoiding conflict to avoid hurting other people. I hope you can talk a little about how that relates to shoes and sovereignty. Maybe it’s the fear of being a shoe-thrower?
I’ll be listening in to the recording…
Any thoughts on the situation when person A thinks You threw a shoe at person Z – while neither You nor Z think a shoe was thrown? Person A feels very strongly that You and Z are deluded that you can’t see the shoe.
.-= Katie (Sauer) Hart´s last post … RMU 2010 Teaching Economics Conference – Presentation =-.
Joining w/the others in saying ‘Many thanks for doing!’ 🙂 I too will probably be listening in after the fact, but will be waiting eagerly for the recording.
My big shoe-related stuckness is being so afraid of the potential pain of them that it’s being very very hard to move forward on certain necessary projects, which is causing different kinds of stress & strain.
Possibly related, and definitely deserving of another huge ‘Thank you!’ was your post about sometimes slow means you care huge-bunches, not not-at-all.
Sovereignty is easier some days than others. 😛
Best of Fortune & thnx again!
Not sure if it’s outside the scope of the class, but I’d like to discuss how to give criticism without throwing shoes. I find it easy to do when there are facts involved, but when it’s *artistic merit* and *aesthetic preference* and I have a strong opinion I need to figure out how to make that constructive for the other person. Because no one wants to hear “your art sucks.”
Question: What about when people think that I am throwing a shoe. I really don’t want to throw shoes, but apparantly I do… all the time.
.-= Kaja Marie´s last post … Kill your darlings, men ligg unna mine =-.
These are all so great. I am giving thought to all of these. You are marvelous. Thank you for the questions! So so so appreciated!
I’m on the call now but can’t get into the chatroom … anybody on a mac having problems with getting in? I know I have the latest java but still can’t get the plugin to work. darn. 🙁