It kind of seemed like the right time to stop avoiding that conversation with the stuckified stuckness of stuckery-stuck.
But I still didn’t want to actually talk to the stuck.
Oh, and the stuck definitely did not want to talk to me.
So I decided to go on a reconnaissance mission: just to collect some basic information, in case we ever should get around to talking. You know, eventually.
The plan was to do this without the help of a negotiator or any other form of mediation, but to have Selma tag along as back-up. I may have also brought a sock monkey.
In which I try to establish contact with a stuck.
In case you don’t remember from last week, this particular stuck is the one that doesn’t let me take time off because ohmygod the guilt. And the shame.
And the fear that everything will fall apart.
Me: Hey, stuckified resistance that lives inside of me. I would like to get some information from you.
My stucknesses: We’re not talking! We’re not talking! You can’t make us! You can’t make us!
Me: Oh, crap. There’s a bunch of you? And you’re what, six years old?
My stucknesses: We’re not talking!
Me: Are you not talking because you’re afraid I’m going to talk you out of your position?
My stucknesses: Maybe.
Me: Aw, come on. You know I’m all about meeting people where they are. I won’t try to convince you to not exist. I just want to know what you think.
My stucknesses: Pthffthlphthlphth!
Me: Fine, I might logic with you the teensiest bit. It seems to me, though, that when you say things that scare me, you also use logic. So it’s only fair that I can logic back sometimes, right?
My stucknesses: Oooooooooooh. Look who’s not afraid to be all confrontational. You think you can logic us? Ha! Think again!
Me: Wow. Okay. Nobody’s confronting anything. You know that’s not what this is about. All I want is some information about what your arguments are.
My stucknesses: No you don’t.
Me: Try me.
In which I catch my stuck in a bald-faced contradiction.
Me: Just so I know where you stand, tell me again why it’s bad for me to take time off. Because my experience is that I work much better when I let myself have restorative time.
My stucknesses: Everyone will hate you! They’ll resent you! They’ll say mean things! They’ll throw shoes!
Me: And why is that?
My stucknesses: Come on! You didn’t take a vacation for ten years! You couldn’t afford to take time off. Now you can (or you think you can)? Everyone will hate you!
Me: Oh?
My stucknesses: You used to hate it too when those biggifiers would write noozletters about how much fun they were having in Paris or whatever.
Me: That’s a little different, though. I’m not interested in bragging about being able to take time off. I just want to take it.
My stucknesses: Everyone will hate you. All of them!
Me: Tell me more about why you think everyone (everyone!) will hate me.
My stucknesses: Everyone will hate you.
Me: What if I don’t ever take time off? You’re saying that would be better?
My stucknesses: No, they’ll still hate you.
In which I get closer to something tiny and true about fear.
Me: This isn’t even about me taking time off, is it? It’s about your fear of people being mean to me.
My stucknesses: Get used to it. Everyone will hate you no matter what.
Me: Interesting. What does that mean?
My stucknesses: If you don’t take time off, they’ll also hate you because then you aren’t practicing what you preach and they’ll think you’re a total fraud.
Me: So you’re trying to protect me from other people’s stuff.
My stucknesses: Yes.
M: And you also think that people are going to be mean and throw shoes no matter what?
My stucknesses: Yes.
Me: So really, I could still take time off and it doesn’t matter.
My stucknesses: Well, kind of.
Me: And either way, you’re going to worry about me.
My stucknesses: Yes.
Me: Because you love me?
My stucknesses: Yes.
Me: That’s really screwed up.
My stucknesses: Well, we are Jewish, you know.
Me: Yes. Believe me. I know.
In which I remember the thing I already knew.
Me: Wow. That’s kind of a relief.
My stucknesses: It is?
Me: You throw shoes at me so that I won’t get hit by other people’s shoes.
My stucknesses: Yes.
Me: That’s kind of sweet. Still screwed up. But it’s sweet.
My stucknesses: Yes.
Me: Everything you do is intended to keep me safe. And yet everything you do results in me being paralyzed, exhausted and unable to do any of the things I need to do to stay grounded.
My stucknesses: Oh.
In which I recognize what this is really about.
Me: So this is really about the sovereignty thing again.
My stucknesses: That’s bullshit hippie talk.
Me: Listen. You believe that everyone is going to hate me no matter what. Maybe that’s true and maybe it isn’t. But either way, I need to be able to not care so much about their judgments, which they might or might not be experiencing.
My stucknesses: What do you mean?
Me: If they don’t hate me and it’s all in my head, then it’s not helpful for me to constantly be worrying about it. If they do hate me, they’re not my right people. And anyway, it’s not useful for me to avoid taking care of myself because someone else might feel resentful about that.
My stucknesses: Stop logic-ing us! We don’t like it!
In which we come to a temporary agreement.
Me: What if we talk again in a while? That will give you some time to prepare some better arguments for why I’m supposedly not allowed to take time off?
My stucknesses: What’s the catch?
Me: I want to be able to experiment with time off in tiny little doses just to see what happens. It’ll be all scientific method-ey and I’ll take notes and stuff.
My stucknesses: Okay. But don’t tell anyone who might throw shoes.
Me: I will surround myself with people who are supportive and appreciative of my choices.
My stucknesses: Good!
Me: Does that mean that you’re going to start being supportive and appreciative too?
My stucknesses: Don’t push it.
Me: Okay. We’ll stop here for now. I’ll be back.
My stucknesses: Next time bring something to eat.
Me: I love how this gets weirder every time.
Comment zen for today.
No advices, please. Support and appreciation welcome, as are thoughts and wonderings and stories about your own gremlins.
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Love how apt this is for me right now. I spend entirely too much time stressing out about whether I should/can/will take time off for myself.
Hi Havi,
I know that your stucknesses cause all kinds of misery for you ( Not that they mean to. I understand that they are just doing their JOB!!)
“Hi Havi’s stucknesses. *waving and throwing kisses* !!” (-:)…
… but I must say that they are awfully adorable in their relentless protectiveness of you…. logic be damned!!
And you gave me a great idea for when I next talk to my own. I just need to find out what they like to EAT!!
Love you madly,
Chris
.-= chris zydel´s last post … Why I Don’t Believe In The Whole Idea Of Bad Art =-.
“Me: You throw shoes at me so that I won’t get hit by other people’s shoes.
My stucknesses: Yes.
Me: That’s kind of sweet. Still screwed up. But it’s sweet.
My stucknesses: Yes.”
Totally totally totally identifying with this.
Oh, your sweet stucknesses and their determined efforts to keep you safe! Much love and safety to them. And much love to you. Also, support, appreciation and hugs for being your own wonderful self.
Love, Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Sunday Poem #13: Buddhist Chronicles 3 =-.
Wow, great interplay between you and your MEcosystem 😀
.-= Greg M.´s last post … Welcome! =-.
That covered dish needs to be a very sweet treat, so your Stucknesses go into sugar comas…
.-= Mark V. McDonnell´s last post … Four Steps to Sports Success – What to strive for in training =-.
“You throw shoes at me so that I won’t get hit by other people’s shoes.”
Is this the source of all stucknesses? It certainly seems to be the punchline at the end of a lot of my conversations with myself. And yet, as you’ve said, I have to keep rediscovering this thing I already knew.
Thanks Havi X
This weekend I discovered that my Dammit List items are good starting points for clarifying what my stuck is all about. Or maybe Dammit List items are revealing ways of relieving my stucknesses. For example, last night I got home at 6:30 and it was the perfect chance to go get in my studio for a few hours. But, I didn’t. I couldn’t. All I could do was crawl under my covers and hide. My roomates were blaring clubby dance music and the house was cold. All I wanted was to be warm and quiet and in my own space. I was thinking to myself:
I will live somewhere I can keep as warm as I need it to be DAMMIT.
I will have truly private space DAMMIT.
I don’t like roommate living DAMMIT and that does not make me a bad person DAMMIT.
I love this!! I have so many should-greeblies and half my internal conversations go like this with the “everyone will hate you”… so I totally identify and give you non-threatening-support type stuff from afar…
.-= Pam (@moonslark)´s last post … What I *CAN* do… =-.
My gremlins aren’t about taking time, but I think that they have a similar motivation. I am actually crying in recognition of that. So, thank you, because I think this means I’ve learned something important. My stuck is throwing shoes at me so that other people don’t.
I think that your plan to take time off in small doses is excellent. I do love scientific method-ey stuff, because I am an engineer. We’re just all about the small experiments and incremental processes.
.-= Amber´s last post … Party House =-.
Stucknesses – gremlins seems the right word for this.
I love you. That is all.
(except that now I’m freaking out that you think I’m a looney for saying I love you.)
But I do. You speak the same language as me (it’s surprising how much Yiddish I speak considering I’m not Jewish, never have been and probably never will be) and you’re wonderfully kooky and full of the best kind of nonsense there is. So yeah. I show up here and hit refresh like an idiot because I love you. 🙂
.-= Wormy´s last post … ‘Tis the season…. for assignments =-.
This resonates so much!
I have too much going on right now, and I’m trying to focus on just one Stuck at a time: that of quieting enough to be able to hear my authentic inner voice, and not just a bunch static I’ve absorbed. My Stuck (it may be a gang) is totally throwing shoes so others don’t. They’re like the class clown that way…
Thank you so much, Havi! You make me laugh and feel hope and cry. It’s so good.
Hi, this is my first time here, and I really appreciated the post and the dialogue! I think “stuckness” is an interesting way of some part of ourselves protecting ourselves against change, even when it might be for the better, just “in case” it’s not.
As far as the time off things goes, I can relate to that. I never used to take time off. And it took a while to do it without feeling guilt. But I MADE myself try, in tiny steps as you recommend, and now I can do it, totally guilt-free. I honestly thought that day would never come.
Thanks a bunch,
Cheers,
Miche :0
.-= Miche – Serenity Hacker´s last post … Is Passion Necessary for a Meaningful Life? =-.
oops.. hit send instead of minimize. My boss walked up to use the fax machine. So, to finish my thought, I think a lot of my Dammit List items are the sore spots that aggravate my stuck. I can hear it in there, telling me what it needs and a lot of those needs make great Dammit List items. yep. that is all.
Havi, I like how all your techniques seem to inform each other and work together nicely and bring those ding! moments…. as small as they may be sometimes.
thank you.
Me: So this is really about the sovereignty thing again.
My stucknesses: That’s bullshit hippie talk.
Total Tea Spit-take. Just missed my laptop. 🙂
Last night my internal narrator(s?) was (were?) once again having the conversation of why I don’t yet blog. And a lot of it came down to the transparency thing and the people with whom I would have to have ALL the conversations justifying what I said or (worse?) how I say it. My old friends would accuse me of being a hippie and my family would fear for my poor, lost agnostic soul.
And the narration conversation ends when we all skip around in the same neat little circle that ends up with me doing (not-quite-happily) nothing with the stories crowding up my head. Maybe I’ll try Hiro’s practice of walking around in little circles to see if I can shake the mental pattern.
More thinking is required. Yay for unemployment giving me the space I need!
For what it’s worth, I won’t mind if you take time off. I’ll probably be relieved which I mean in the best way possible. I read a lot of blogs and keeping up with them all can get overwhelming at times, especially when people write every day.
I really enjoy your writing and your message, but when you take a break, I get a break too–no stress over having missed something with the bonus of extra time for your ideas to sink in.
.-= claire´s last post … My cold, it’s good for this at least =-.
Casey, YES.
I have been terrified of starting my web comic for the same reasons exactly. I’m right there with ya.
Hmmm… stucknesses that throw shoes at us so we don’t get shoes thrown at us from other people.
Maybe getting hit by our own shoes is preferable because the shoes are somehow familiar, especially if we’re talking old stucknesses (and old shoes)?
They do tend to be the same shoes most of the time. You could learn to predict when and where they’re going to strike. But shoes from other people are pretty unpredictable.
So maybe the stucknesses figure: if you’re going to get shoes, better they be shoes you know.
It makes no sense and yet it makes so much sense.
Those stucknesses… so sneaky!
Yesyesyesyesyes! The stucknesses that throw shoes at me so that other people won’t have a chance to – I know these very well. And I think I get why they are trying to be protective … in theory. I’m still waiting to ***GET*** it, though.
Also, I agree with Casey:
Me: So this is really about the sovereignty thing again.
My stucknesses: That’s bullshit hippie talk.
This made me guffaw. It’s so exactly like the kind of thing my inner critics say to me. In my case, they’re totally channelling the criticisms I imagine my non-Right People would have.
Sovereignty is HARD. Thank you for learning out loud.
.-= Lean Ni Chuilleanain (@leannich)´s last post … Sparkly Glittery Things and Me =-.
My word – what a bloody marvelous way of helping us to become a little more savvy about conflicting needs 9your own and other people’s) and how we might negotiate our way around those darn gremlins. Lovely that we got to see you find your way back to your sovereignty dance. Ooooo yesss!
I wonder does Selma need some kind of revolutionary, kick arse flag to wave sometimes or a punk ducky quiff maybe?! Or maybe your ship could hoist two fingers up to the world with a big throbbing heart or some ahhh daisies or something other flower to represent your hippy darling self..ooooo silly!
So yayyy for demonstrating & embodying non violent
communication with your sweet self. Funny, beautiful,enlightening.
Havi heart smarts.
Thank God for you.
x
I want to learn to talk to my stucknesses, too!
(Saving up for a Destuckification Station.)
I’m kind of swimming in my own stuck soup this evening. It feels a whole lot like being in hot water. While I squirm miserably in this metaphor, I’d like to take a moment to tell you how comforting today’s post has been.
I’ll have to find a way to talk to all the six-year-olds inside of me, too. Thanks.
Oh, and P.S.: I love the weird. Love it.
.-= Kathleen Avins @spiralsongkat´s last post … That tiny thing with feathers, which is hope =-.
This post helped me understand my own stuckness of putting my stuff out there. Avoid shoes at all costs! It is a stuck for sure. I’ll talk to it nicely–but the cognitive stuff gets all tangled up in the emotional and that is harder to un-stuck.
Thanks, Havi
.-= Susan´s last post … Mental Health Treatment or Disney World? =-.
Now I’m picturing your stucknesses as those Yip-Yip aliens from Sesame Street 🙂
.-= Sarah´s last post … Hotel Winter =-.
@havi @casey @ilikered – yes! Can totally relate to how your stucknesses talk to you.
Today = a whole day of waking up with, eating with, lying under covers – blankets over my head with, snuggling with my darling pooch with, crying with, driving to get bad food with yes…WITH my stucknesses. Ugh!
I have had a conversation with them today but just for a few minutes. On days like these I feel too vulnerable to talk with them by myself – if that makes any sense.
I try to make note, hunker down, drink lots of hot tea, sleep if I can and eat bad food if I choose and wait ’til I feel a little clearer for conversation.
Maybe tomorrow.
I also totally can see how your dammit list could help clarify what your stucknesses are. I am going to start working on mine, DAMMIT.
I broke a bone in my right foot two weeks ago – whoa – plenty of time to greet the stucknesses!
Thank you all so much for sharing.
.-= Maya Zaido @animalswisdom´s last post … A True Heart & The Trash Compactor =-.
@havi I know this seems like it should be obvious but I just realized that that is why you ask a moderator to be there for your conversations. Ha!
I have only asked people to support me when I feel too afraid – when I have my conversations with my stucknesses. Just their presence is enough to help me feel strong enough to face the shoes.
Still feel too vulnerable to be able to visualize a moderator – will still wait for tomorrow but that is a GREAT way to support yourself. Great stuff! Thank you, Havi.
.-= Maya Zaido @animalswisdom´s last post … A True Heart & The Trash Compactor =-.
Ditto (or tritto) on the “not being good at taking time off” thing. (Not to mention that when I do take time off, I end up getting sick.)
I really like the “everyone will hate you no matter what” discovery because… yeah… I feel like that most of the time (a few days ago wrote longish essay about how I’m always afraid that I’m going to get kicked out of the group).
Do you think that most people feel like this most of the time, or are there people out there who actually get to feel awesome about themselves most of the time?
(And if that’s you, then… holla?)
.-= Blue´s last post … More on “Excellence” =-.
I totally not only approve of you taking time off (and promise not to throw a single shoe), I positively encourage it.
From a personally selfish perspective, I look forward to the world where Havi is rested and more happified. So please, I’m asking you nicely – go for it!
“You throw shoes at me so that I won’t get hit by other people’s shoes.”
Between that sentence, and Rebecca saying that it’s the punchline of a lot of her conversations with herself, I’m wondering…
What would happen if I approached a conversation with my stuck with assumption that it’s about preemptive shoe-throwing?
Would that speed up the process? Or does speeding up the process actually defeat the purpose?
*brain-gears grinding*
.-= Victoria Brouhard´s last post … Quitting the Man: 46 Days Since Freedom =-.
It’s so strange when someone you just ‘met’ online and who works in a totally different niche than your posts something intimately close to what you posted the same day.
Go you. Your inner stuckifyng demons always try to control us through fear. (I see that using Havi talk and spell checkers is going to be a challenge) Ignoring the fear and pushing forward is so liberating.
Best of luck and do give yourself a break…or 2 or 3.
.-= The Chatty DM´s last post … Chasing the Dream: Chatty Moves One Step Closer… =-.
My gremlin likes to dress up in other people’s clothes. Here’s me as my partner, saying that it’s self-indulgent to do what I do or to not do what I don’t do. Here’s me as my co-workers, calling me a lazy so-and-so. Here’s me as my future self, saying, Well, THAT was a big waste of time. What made you ever think that would work?
My gremlin likes to play dress up because it feels shabby.
That’s understandable.
So I give it a nice crisp white lab coat and say, Hey, this is just an experiment. We’re just going to give it a little whirl and if it doesn’t work out that will be good information and we’ll go right back to the ventriloquism.
Okay? Okay.
.-= Shannon´s last post … On Tigers =-.
Havi, this was very peaceful for me to read. I needed to hear it too. It reminds me of the people I’ve seen do The Work with Byron Katie. Everyone ends up laughing at how silly we are.
My stuckiness would probably want a sandwich.
Thanks for sharing again.
Can’t wait to see what your stucknesses want to eat!
great post!!
For years (ok, pretty much my entire adult life) I’ve never had a table to work at – mainly because my room (I will come clean, I live with my mother – blame the European housing crisis) is crowded with a wardrobe I can’t hang my clothes in, a bureau I can’t use a laptop on, and a double piano stool (we have never owned a piano in my lifetime). Because they were inherited from my grandparents I thought I had to keep them, that it would be wasteful and disresepctful to throw them out. Every so often I’d think ‘lets get rid of this furniture I never use’ and then my gremlins would wail back ‘how could you possibly be so ungrateful, your dead grandparents will hate you.’ It’s only taken me, uh, twelve years or so to finally realise that deceased relatives are highly unlikely to start haunting me because I gave a piano stool to a charity furniture shop. It’s all getting picked up tomorrow, and I can’t wait!
Wow, this is long!
.-= Jane´s last post … Junk =-.
Man, these are so amazing.
@Jane – wow, that’s quite a story. So beautiful. Hooray for clearing stuff out, literally and symbolically. I love it.
@John – *blows kiss* thank you!
@Shannon – a labcoat for experimenting! That is so genius I can hardly stand it.
@Victoria – oh, definitely. I would just go into any conversation with the stuck operating under the assumption that anything not-nice they say is supposed to be protecting me but completely wrong and misguided. And just go from there.
Speeding up the process definitely doesn’t defeat the purpose. We’ve spent DECADES with these guys and will be spending the rest of our lives talking with them. Pretty much anything that saves time or sneaks around the hard is a good thing. 🙂
Internet hugs all around. You guys rock. It’s such a joy to be reminded that we’re all in this together.
Havi, you have given a name to my stuckness, and it is “Everybody will hate you no matter what”. It’s almost painfully clear, having read your post today. If I do the wrong thing, says my stuckness, people will hate me because I’m wasting my time. If I do the right thing, people will hate me because I’m successful, or because I didn’t do the thing they wanted me to, or because I’m doing the thing they want to. If I abdicate the choice and do nothing, people will hate me because I’m wasting my potential – and I’ll hate myself for much the same reason.
And clearly my stuckness is throwing these shoes in anticipation of the shoes that “everyone else” will throw, because it’s okay if I hurt myself, and that way I don’t have to deal with everybody else hurting me. I can do nothing and tell everyone “don’t worry, you can’t possibly say anything about me doing nothing that I haven’t already thought myself”. The piled-up shoes make a shoe-fort: I can’t be hurt if I’ve already hurt myself.
You’ve given me a name for my stuckness; now I need to find out if I can address it.
.-= Chris Anthony´s last post … Pam Slim on Choosing a Business =-.
Hey Havi.
Can I leave a little meta-comment?
Just in case you have a doubt about doing this weirdness in front of us, can I just say how *reassuring* and natural this seems to me.
It totally makes sense, and leaves me feeling accompanied and walked-alongside.
And, by example, encourages me to be as honest.
So, er, thanks. Again. AGAIN.
.-= Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last post … How to be less grumpy =-.
Thank you for your awesomeness. xoxoxoox
.-= Pam Belding´s last post … Support part 2 =-.