So I went to my friend Carolyn the other day (remember she helped me with my pirate hacker infestation?) to talk out this whole me having huge resistance to being a grown-up thing.
Because I’m having this extremely metaphorical baby, and it’s bringing up my stuff. And I thought I’d let you be a fly on the wall.
Background: the situation.
What I’m trying to do.
Create a Playground.
What I want.
Ease, effortlessness and Helper Mice. So there.
Where I get stuck.
My stuckified fear is basically that I’ll become — the horror — a grownup and immediately lose the fun and the sparkle and the awesome. Old stuff.
Logically, of course, I understand that if I have a space of my own, I will have the solid foundation that will allow me to be even more silly and playful.
In fact, being all grown-up is exactly the thing that puts me in the position to open this fabulously kooky place of play and wonder.
“Reframing” is not going to help — I already get it. So this is us being curious about the stuck and what lives there.
Destroying the fun.
Carolyn: What happens if you become the grown-up?
Me: If I become the grown-up, the grown-up will destroy the fun.
Carolyn: Destroyed! So the fear is … losing the fun?
Me: Yes.
Carolyn: What happens when you lose the fun?
Me: Losing the fun leads directly to not getting out of bed. Losing the fun means that the Cranky wins.
Carolyn: And what could cause you to lose the fun?
Me: Oh, seeing myself as a (non-fun) grown-up with all this responsibility.
Carolyn: With all this responsibility.
Me: Yup. Sigh.
We both have a fit of giggles, and then continue.
Carolyn: Okay. So. What does a grown-up see?
Me: Liability. It’s like you see all the liabilities and none of the assets.
Carolyn: And what’s the thing that’s worst about being a grown-up?
Me: It means I’ll try to hold it all myself. I’ll get overwhelmed.
The Playground.
Carolyn: Tell me about the Playground. What’s it like?
Me: Oh … It’s about the freedom of being childlike. It’s about experiencing that state of wonder, curiosity and fearlessness.
Carolyn: What do you need in order for the Playground to actually happen?
Me: I did a meditation on that yesterday, and what I got was this:
TRUST. SUPPORT. GUIDANCE. VISION. FLOW.
Carolyn: The likelihood of you becoming a grown-up and destroying the fun?
Me: Zero. I couldn’t be the boring adult even if I wanted to. I mean, for one thing, I’m starting a playground. It has play right in the name. Well, that and ground.
Carolyn: So really, if it weren’t for the responsibility thing — the holding it all by yourself and getting overwhelmed — this would work.
Me: Yes.
Carolyn: So. Is there a way we can get RESPONSIBILITY aligned with FUN? Or: what is the opposite of responsibility?
Me: Ooh, this sounds like a job for Metaphor Mouse!
In which we call on Metaphor Mouse.
You can sing with me … I am Metaphor Mouse!
My current personal definition of “responsibility” = ????
The qualities, aspects and attributes of the thing that isn’t working:
[+ heavy]
[+ boring]
[+ tiresome]
[+ turns you into a painfully dull human being]
[+ sucks away all the fun]
And learning more about my IDEAL definition (X = ?)
What sort of qualities, aspects and feelings does my new version of this contain?
[+ trust]
[+ letting myself be cared for]
[+ not alone]
[+ Helper Mice]
[+ Fairy Godmothers]
[+ I don’t have to hold everything]
[+ strong structures to contain flow]
Looking at opposites.
Carolyn: Let’s start with heavy. What is the opposite of heavy?
Me: Well, it would be light. But even an ideal version of Responsibility doesn’t feel light. I’m not there yet. But you know … it does look like light. It has the qualities of light, the kind of light that comes through a window.
Carolyn: So if this is lightness, then the original “heavy” was … dark and weighty?
Me: Not really. It was heavy as a burden but I’m just not feeling the lightness.
Carolyn: Okay. So visual lightness. What is the opposite of boring?
Me: Involving. Something I can be passionate about.
Carolyn: What is the opposite of tiresome?
Me: Energizing.
Carolyn: What about “turns you into a painfully dull human being“?
Me: Being the only grown-up with a Playground says something, I guess.
Carolyn: And the opposite of sucks away all the fun?
Me: Something that allows you to have more fun. You know, better toys. And an actual room to keep them in.
Do we have metaphor?
Me: Well, the first version is laborious. It’s like cleaning when you don’t feel like cleaning.
It’s scrubbing away at things you don’t even care about just because people think you should.
And the second version … with the Fairy godmothers and the mice … oh, of course. It’s Cinderella again.*
* I say “again” but I haven’t posted about rewriting my metaphor for “filing” yet — which also totally went all Disney on me. Just assume that this makes sense.
It’s playful. I get to clean up with helper mice and it all goes smoothly. It’s being in the zone. And there are definitely sparkles. But it’s not annoying-sparkly. It’s fun.
Carolyn: Who are your fairy godmothers for this playground?
Me: Oh, Hiro and Pam and all the Group Leaders at the Kitchen Table.
Carolyn: Ooh, and I have great repair people. So I will be the Master Fairy Godmother of that.
Me: This is the best day ever!
And back to the holding.
Carolyn: Let’s talk about the holding. What’s going on with that?
Me: There is something about “responsible” that implies that I have to hold everything…
Carolyn: And what would it be like if I didn’t have to hold everything?
Me: Well my mind is pretty clear that it would actually be better that way. But there is still a very insistent voice that says that everything would fall apart.
Carolyn: What is your job? I mean, really. What is your job?
Me: ???
Carolyn: Isn’t your job to be smart and silly and sparkly and glittery and refreshing and energizing and different and you?
Me: Oh, right. That job. Yes. That is my job.
Carolyn: And?
Me: And I still think I have to hold it all together. Even though holding it is stopping me. What I really need is the structure to hold it.
Carolyn: Tell me about the structure.
Me: I need the structure to hold it for me, and I need the trust to believe that it will support me.
Carolyn: You need a structure that holds all of it, so you can have the sparkle.
Me: Yes.
“What is the structure?”
Carolyn: What is the structure? Is it the pumpkin coach? The ball? The castle? The town?
Me: Oh.
The structure is dancing.
And I am the dance.
And as long as I dance, I won’t become a grown-up. At least, not that kind of grown-up. Because the Dance is magical.
So the Dance is the support and the structure. And the structure holds itself.
And when I do the dance it will bring in stuff like guidance, trust, vision and flow.
It will hold everything up. And allow the childlike wonder to be there.
And it’s extra-awesome because it’s the dance of form. Of bringing form in from chaos. Of bringing ideas into form. Mythical structure.
What is trust?
Carolyn: So what is trust?
Me: Funny. I just wrote about that — one of the permutations of trust is to expect. As in, I trust that you will get back to me on this tomorrow.
Carolyn: So to trust is to expect. Not to hold.
Me: So if I trust the structure of the dance, then I don’t need to hold anything?
Comment zen for today.
As always this is a “no advice” zone. But you’re more than welcome to share stuff you’re working on or thoughts that have come up. Or anything you need, fairy godmothers included. Mwah!
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Oh! The structure is the dance! That is brilliant and perfect.
I bet I’m not the only person to go straight to the last stanza of “Among School Children” (W.B. Yeats):
Labour is blossoming or dancing where
The body is not bruised to pleasure soul.
Nor beauty born out of its own despair,
Nor blear-eyed wisdom out of midnight oil.
O chestnut-tree, great-rooted blossomer,
Are you the leaf, the blossom or the bole?
O body swayed to music, O brightening glance,
How can we know the dancer from the dance?
.-= Lean Ni Chuilleanain´s last post … Those Spring Forward Socks in Full =-.
Reading this progression, I was thinking that I was not wanting to be grown up as well, but seeing what your list is, I realize in some ways I really didn’t get to be a kid. I was always held responsible for everything anyone else did (your “hold everything”), I still struggle with that feeling. And yet, I also balk at buying furniture (when I am able), etc.
I love the dance metaphor.
I have to think on this some.
Thank you for sharing, your insights really help clarify things I’ve been working on myself.
.-= Andi´s last post … For Aisha =-.
Whenever I think about the bits of being a grownup that feel to me like angst and unpleasantness and the wrong sort of responsibility, I remind myself of this comic:
http://xkcd.com/150/
Which I find ludicrously cheering.
I love the dance/structure idea/equivalence. Awesome.
I wonder if you have seen the movie Twice Upon a Time, with F.G.M.? She is a hilarious character (I love her voice and manner). It’s available in chunks on YouTube (this one’s in the middle of the movie, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZ6dy33YjYQ but she’s at the beginning of this clip, like the first few minutes). There’s, you know, adult language in some the other segments. Not a ton, but I feel compelled to advise. I just thought you might get a chuckle out of her, she’s very non-Disney.
.-= Darcy´s last post … Book: The Freedom Writers Diary =-.
speaking of playgrounds for grown ups; did you know that Miuccia Prada had a giant slide built by Carston Holler that goes directly from her third story office to the parking lot? love it.
.-= Laura´s last post … New Year, Renewed Workspace. =-.
Wow!
@Laura – now I want a slide! Slide! Excellent.
@Darcy – neat!
@Juliet – ooh I love that one and had completely forgotten how happy it makes me.
@Andi – what a useful way of putting it. Me too. I mean, the not wanting to be a kid but wanting adulthood to get goofy.
@Lean – yes!
Oh. I am so glad that you get it. Because this was a weird post about a weird thing and I wasn’t going to hit the Pooblish button except then I did.
You’re the magic in the bottle. Nobody expects the lightning bug to arrange the exhibition, sell the tickets, set up the tent or buy the insurance.
Anyone can do that stuff. Only you can light up and make the crowd go “OOOOOOOOOh!”
If you start trying to do all that other stuff, the light will get dim.
(Those of us who can’t light up stand ready to support those of you who can.)
.-= Dick Carlson´s last post … Beyond The Lecture — Fighting The Learning Wars =-.
When you talked about burdens, of course my classical choral DJ brain flipped to Messiah:
His yoke is eeeeeeeeeeeeasy,
His burthen (burden) is light,
His burthen, His burthen is light.
Lots of light twirly musical fireworks; I like to sub “my” for “His.”
And I was just reading Hiro’s post about Responsibility Trolls and Angels…http://tinyurl.com/yzwh2pm
Also, Response-ability is the Ability to Respond! Yay!
.-= chicsinger simone´s last post … the party’s over….OR IS IT!?! =-.
OMG. I am struggling with this right now – especially the part about responsibility being such a burden and trying to get more fun and sparkle back into my life. Seeing your process is hugely helpful, but I know we all have to figure it out in our own way . . . and I hope I will get there soon, because I am overwhelmed with decisions and choices at the moment. I am teasing things out one-by-one, but my patience with the process is wearing thin.
Hi Havi,
My “stuff” is somewhat different in nature from yours, but the process of questioning how you’re thinking about your stuff is very valuable.
Are you familiar with Proprioceptive Writing? It’s outlined in the book “Writing the Mind Alive” by Linda Metcalf and Tobin Simon. One of the key aspects of the practice is to journal what’s on your mind at the moment, but keep asking yourself “What do I mean by that?”
I’ve found it a quite useful tool, you might want to take a look at it.
I immediately thought of http://xkcd.com/150/ too. And now They Might Be Giants’ “Birdhouse in your soul” is playing which seems fitting somehow.
.-= claire´s last post … Gettin’ My Groove On… (vol. xiv) =-.
I love that you have your friend Carolyn (I wish I had one like her!), and that she can help you get closer to making your delightful playground a reality. Yay!
.-= Josiane´s last post … A (huge!) shift in perspective =-.
I am now inspired to find the “me” version of your playground. Like, not a playground, but something as wonderful and youified as that — but out of my own creative unconscious (or wherever the genius inspiration comes from). Do you know what I mean?! I just read that, it wasn’t very clear.
And THEN the thing can bring up a bunch of my junk (like, how I also hate responsibility! because of what I make “responsibility” mean… but ALSO BECAUSE IT SOOKS) and I can work through it and have (1) less junk and (2) something special and fun.
Off the top of my head: I still miss my jellies…
.-= Laurie´s last post … Tuesday Styles: Change your style, you change your life. =-.
Havi,
Thanks for sharing this! Getting to watch your real process is amazingly helpful to me, partly because I get to see that “even Havi the amazing person who even has her own duck” still goes through the same kinds of stuckness I do – not necessarily the same exact issue, but the same kinds of problems and gettingintheway.
To get a peak in to how you move through it is really amazing though I can’t put my finger on it more then that. It just feels significant.
Be well and enjoy your coming playground and fairy godmothers!
🙂
andy
.-= Andy Dolph´s last post … The most passionate guy on the Internet? =-.
I am thrilled beyond belief to be a fairy godmother to the playground. How lucky to get to be a fairy godmother in my elder hood. I am sure they dance and sparkle all the time. This is going to be great Havi.
I am so glad you decided to Pooblish this!
I have issues of my own around being grown up, which can pretty much be summarized as follows:
1. If I am a grownup, then I have to take care of myself; no one else will take care of me.
2. If no one else is taking care of me, it must be because no one loves me enough to want to take care of me.
3. Therefore, if I grow up, no one will love me anymore.
I really do know better; this is just the flavor of this particular stuckness, and it ebbs and flows depending on my mood and circumstances. One way that I work on shifting it is to think of all the vibrant, creative, powerful, loving and loved adults I have ever known in fact or fiction, and to say to myself: “The world needs cool grownups.” I do believe this. It also comforts me to remember that I can be an adult while still containing every other age that I have ever been — the five-year-old me is still in there, as is the nine-year-old, the twelve-year-old, etc. I can hold on to these inner children, and when I feel ready, I can be the coolest mom ever to them.
And maybe, just maybe, I can even be the coolest mom ever to my new, tiny, sweet, baby creative dreams.
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … This probably shouldn’t surprise me… =-.
“And there are definitely sparkles. But it’s not annoying-sparkly.” Yes. Fairy Godmothers know exactly the right ratio of sparkles. Its one of their many fabulous skills.
This is helping me with my own stuck which also reverberates around the responsibility word.
.-= Kate T.W.´s last post … Moonday Salon– Post your Creative Thoughts =-.
Being grown up is sexy.
Being a mom guarding the playground and making sure no one falls down is less fun.
When I was in Israel we went to a park that had friendly alert trustworthy security guards you had to pass by to enter. Once you were inside, it was the best park ever. Everyone was playing, kids and adults too.
I have so much mom radar that my best friend told me a I should wear an orange safety vest in daily life. But having the security guards made me feel like I could let down my guard and just have a good time.
I think I have the same fears as you do about becoming something or someone I don’t want to be. But mine center around my mom and dad.
My mom is creative and she has so many ideas but she doesn’t know what to do with them. So she only gets so far as to coming up with the idea and a little planning. But then when she comes up with another idea she drops the old idea and the process starts again. I inherited that a lot from her.
My dad, on the other hand, has built his own business. I’ve gotten my entrepreneurial spirit from him. But he’s always busy.
So I’m scared I will end up like my mom and never succeed at anything but I’m also scared I will end up like my dad and have my success rule my life.
It’s all very frustrating and confusing! But the process you went through got me thinking about things that could help me out.
Thanks for sharing!
.-= Sara Ortiz´s last post … Wednesday Energizer: Take the Leap =-.
Even if I could not relate to this at all — which is not the case! — I would love it just for having fairy godmothers, Cinderella, and Metaphor Mouse.
My word for this kind of thing is “discipline.” UGH. I cannot even think it to myself without cringing!
Discipline =
[+ punishment]
[+ being bad]
[+ doing stuff I do not want to do]
[+ “knowing better”]
[+ should]
[+ forcing]
Thing I want =
[+ consistency]
[+ safety]
[+ being trustworthy for myself]
[+ feeling how things nurture and support me]
Must keep thinking about what the new word can be!
As a parent of a very playful 6 year old who loves playgrounds I have to say that to be a responsible adult means to trust.
To trust your child can take care of himself on the monkey bars.
to trust that if another parent is close by and child is headed for disaster they will hold him back.
to trust that he will be tell you when another child teases or taunts
to trust that when you allow him to make a mistake he will learn from it
to trust he’ll let you know when you become boring and dull
to trust him to teach you to play and giggle and understand that it does hold together because your build the structure in tandem.
You are right. The structure is a dance….
And, back to babies, we don’t hold our children after a time. We do dance with them as they grow. And, despite our fantasy that we are wholly responsible for them, we are not. The responsibility is shared. Being a dull, boring grownup only hurts the future.
This may not make any sense…but it helps me to sort out.
Thanks, Havi.
.-= Susan´s last post … 6 Smart Ways to Maintain Boundaries in Your Marketing =-.
this was such a helpful post to read, as were the comments. my metaphor mouse for “responsibility” is something that life is heaving bricks at me, trying to get me to deal with these past two days. i, too, feel like if i’m responsible, then no one is taking care of me, and i won’t get my need for love met.
le sigh.
it’s a hard one to re-metaphor for me, since the form the issue takes (financial responsibility) is so layered and tied in and onion-y (meaning, multi-level but also makes me cry!). but reading this post and seeing that other adults also feel Stuck around responsiblity was…nice.
there are people in my boat with me!
oh, havi! magic has happened!
i was inspired to try my first metaphor mouse on “responsibility”, and oh, the amazing-ness!
my initial list was something like, dreary/ drudge/ never-ending/ boring/ limiting/ too many details. yikes. anyone might avoid that!
my wanted list was: joyful/ play/ excitement/ energy/ new horizons! rainbows!/ exciting learning/ trust and growth in a safe way/ exploration.
my new metaphor: Excited Explorers for Inner Growth Opportunities! We boldly and swashbuckling-ly (?) explore, survey and investigate the inner landscape, looking for new opportunities to grow and develop. We bring back the fruits of good questions, like, “What would happen if i DIDN’T go to Marshalls’ today?” and bring back helpful data for future scientific use! We carry tools, like Quicken and the Daily Log Checkbook, because explorers need tools for their work.
this feels SO BIG to me, i can hardly stand it. who knew that i needed light and playful metaphors to negotiate my inner world? before developing my massive girl-crush on you and Selma, i never would have guessed that i was creating my own avoidance and stuckness, because in part, i craved more joy and fun and play.
thank you!!!!