It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
And happy THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY weeks of Chickens!
What worked this week?
Letting my body run the decision-making.
Many decisions wanted my attention this week, for example, where I might want to be in May when my traveling companion and I part ways for a week.
Turns out that decisions get surprisingly simple if I let my body make them for me. It’s so much easier when I just say no as soon as I feel the no, instead of trying to figure which option is cheaper or more convenient.
Boston: does that give me joy sparks right now? No? Fantastic. Thank you. What about San Diego? Yes to joy sparks but no to this adventure right now. Okay, done researching that!
Then I was offered a very fun sounding mission for those dates, to combine a secret dance op with a rendezvous in Brooklyn and possibly a trip to Montauk and a chance to see two beloved fellow Agents, and it was all very exciting, and I couldn’t decide what to do, except then my body said, “Sweetie, what are you even talking about, this can be so easy, we just want whichever option involves the least amount of effort and logistics, and the most amount of ease and sleep.”
Ta da! Decided. Brooklyn will have to happen some other time. For now I am going to choose according to the Mission of Less, because of course my body is right.
Next time I might…
Notice when I go into researching mode.
Often when I am trying to figure something out, I just start gathering intel because that’s something I know how to do.
Research mode whooshes me into my head, and I forget about the point of what I’m researching, which is joy and delight and presence and desire.
Remember that tuition is just that: tuition.
On Tuesday I’d narrowed down the location for my secret op: either Connecticut or Texas, long story. The east coast op required a decision that day. Hm, it didn’t require, the price was going to go up by $20 the next day. Not a huge sum of money, it’s just a mental thing.
For a moment it seemed the $20 could work as a clue. As in, “Oh well, I didn’t decide in time so I guess I’ll do the other op instead!”
Except then the other op mysteriously went up in price without warning too, by the exact same amount. Apparently $20 just is the price of learning to get out of my head.
I need to stop trying to calculate yes, and get back in my body so I can feel my yes!
Tuition is tuition, and $20 is a screaming deal if it reminds me to stop focusing on Logistics and listen to my true yes, because that’s the real op behind this op anyway.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The first day at the races and then the night of no sleep. A breath of easing and releasing.
- Today is Day 30 on the road, with a grand total of five showers, and I am really craving a long bath with bubbles right now. And clean hair. Then my favorite pants in the entire world acquired a weird white stain on the butt, a stain which not only did not come out at the laundromat, it is now permanently glued in. My traveling companion, who acquires clothing maybe once a decade, does not understand why walking around with a white blob on my butt means the pants are ruined, but they are. A breath for fresh, clean, crisp, new, better.
- The gigantic thunderstorm and accompanying tornado-warning (REMAIN INDOORS!), along with a few other things, kept us in Chico for most of the week instead of beautiful Yosemite as planned. A breath for acknowledgment, legitimacy and for remembering that if I’m not there, it was not my bus.
- Getting back to body stuff after two months of knee injury: I am in terrible shape and get tired easily and my body is cranky, and that’s just how things are and I don’t like it one bit. A breath for not having to like it.
- I am currently in a complicated and uncomfortable situation which requires allies for support and good counsel, and I do not know who my allies are in this yet, and this is very frustrating. A breath for trust, and for asking.
- The situation in the building where the Playground lived: still unresolved and increasingly irritating. A breath for loudly stating my No (and my Yes) on this, and for surprise exits.
- Hahahaha I was saying all day that I feel so POWERLESS about this [frustrating situation], and also about the fact that I am somehow still logging twelve hours a week on work stuff even though this is my sabbatical time, and then the next day we were in Chico and the city was literally without power for half the day. I got to take aerobics in the dark with no fans while we all listened to tinny music from someone’s phone! And then all of Chico basically just took the day off and headed to the diner. A breath for being able to laugh about Powerless.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Suddenly on Day 25 of Operation True Yes aka Six Month Road Trip, I got so much intel about Yes. Day 25 delivered in such a big way. Useful intel for in life in general and the current ops, and this is incredibly exciting. A breath for getting through all that no to get to yes.
- Yet again something which seemed to be an obstacle is in fact the opposite of an obstacle! A breath for joyful recognition.
- Knee is healing up well. Even when it’s unhappy, it’s still manageable. And it is much happier than not happy right now. A breath for healing.
- Making plans for the missing week was a fantastic exercise, because it required me to get much better at No vs Yes, which is the entire point of Operation True Yes! I’d been approaching this whole thing from the perspective of “yeah I could make this work”. Then I upgraded to “but this other thing would be nicer and I would prefer that”. And now I finally get it: I can approach EVERYTHING from Do I Want This. And if it doesn’t elicit that deep strong knowing of I Want This, then I don’t want it. Not just for the first week in May either. A breath for this.
- I really like traveling with the beautiful boy. I really like holding hands. I really like having a wild, hot, full-of-good-surprises affair with the beautiful boy. A breath for NARBAR (Not A Relationship: Better than A Relationship) and for these big happy smiles.
- I was brave and asked for help. A breath for the healing in that.
- I think I know what I want now. A breath for this.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Breakfast dates at the diner. Roasted cauliflower in the camper. My amazing housemate tracked down a new pair of my favorite pants in the world, for $25, because he is magic, and will sending them to a secret drop where I can pick them up. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for joy, presence, pleasure, Shmita and this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
I wrote so much this week! And I did obscene amounts of research for Operation Adventures In Reverberation. And had a very good idea which you will hear about later. Thank you fractal flowers, thank you Shmita, thank you Switch/Swoop. Wham Boom.
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of being excited about no!
And the superpower of crossing one street over. And the superpower of finding a bell when I needed one. And the superpower of putting out the bat signal and directing it towards Very Likely Suspects.
Powers I want.
The superpower of SUUTRAS (Sudden Unsolicited Upgrades of Treasure Radiance and Sweetness), something I adapted from Agent Annabelle.
I would also like the superpower of Seeing All The Best Exits and the superpower of It’s So Simple I Can’t Believe I Didn’t See It Before.
The Salve of Glowing Clarity.
I said on Wednesday (a word which begins with W) that West in my compass is Glow. Right now I am using a double compass, so west is actually Glowing Clarity.
This salve heals scabs like they weren’t even there. It softens so tremendously that you don’t even notice the softening because it is so complete, you forget that these things even needed softening.
When you wear this salve, everything glows a little more clearly, because you are glowing clarity.
This salve is the perfect way to feel into your yes and your no, and to feel brave enough to stand up for them too, because why wouldn’t you: the clear path is glowing clearly, and so are you, with clarity.
This salve also has the hidden powers of its neighboring directions: Southwest (Crowned in Sweetness) and Northwest (Bold Presence).
I want to say that a little goes a long way, but I also want to say: slather it on, baby. Soak it in.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes to us by way of a hilarious Adopt-A-Highway sign, and is called The Atheists of Butte County. The funniest part about this is that I’m pretty sure it actually IS just one guy.
And my upcoming Biopic…
Exfoliated: A Whole New Person. The Havi Brooks Story.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Follow
This: ‘I can approach EVERYTHING from Do I Want This. And if it doesn’t elicit that deep strong knowing of I Want This, then I don’t want it.’ *wild applause*. Because, dammit, I am a *good* person, a thoughtful person, a loving, kind, non-violent, conscientious and deeply principled person: what I want is going to be good, and aligned with these values. I am hereby going to trust my desire, dammit.
What worked this week? printing things out. simplifying plans.
Next time I might: make simpler plans to begin with.
Or, accept over-preparation as a part of the process and plan for that accordingly.
Hard, frustrating, distressing…
* Macy’s: it is not OK to tell me an order was cancelled at my request when I didn’t request the cancellation.
* Clerical error resulting in a follow-up bill being sent to me.
* Little progress on A or B because C had to be dealt with right away. Recognizing that I have to drop D, E, F, and G to give A and B the attention they require.
* A friend’s mom very ill.
Good, restorative, delightful…
* Belatedly realizing that what I want is not the watch I ordered, but a watch that doesn’t require a battery. So while I’m irritated/spooked about the cancellation, I’m happy about it leading me toward a better-for-me timepiece.
* I’ve been looking for a full-length mirror for a while. My big brother has one to give away!
* Everything in my in-boxes this morning can wait. Yay vacation!
* Big brother’s yoga teacher’s advice on modifying poses for a long torso.
* Neon orange sports bra. It wouldn’t have called to me five years ago, but there it was in the studio.
* Hot coffee. Fresh fruit. Guinean lunch ahead.
Warm wishes to all y’all. Shabbat shalom.
Oh, hellooooo chicken! ::chicken hugs::
And ready to breathe. Yes, yes, yes.
Breathing for the tangles. Hello, tangles.
+a deep breath for the I’m Not Sure I Can Handle This monster who is biting my Yes’s fingers. Hey buddy! Come here and let’s breathe for a bit. Let’s find you something else to bite, yeah?
+breathing over and over again for all the pain in the world that isn’t mine but also is because I’m human and alive
+breathing for the Not Knowing, for the Not Knowing [silent retreat] The Itinerary for {Timespan}, for the Not Knowing {HQ}, for the Not Knowing {W6}.
+breathing for all the {{Dragon}} {Eggs} that didn’t {Hatch}
+breathing for the Black Hole of Dear Prudence, wheewwww that did not go quite how I thought it would, except that it kinda did.
+breathing for the [Y2O4TS] Monster. I hear you. I acknowledge that you are here. Hello.
+breathing for [Banana Peel]. YEESH.
+breathing for [eek]. Yep. I acknowledge that you are here, too. I wish you would communicate with me a different way. Breathing for the me who sometimes likes {thing}. Breathing for the me who is horrified that anyone would ever like {this thing} and will do everything possible to annihilate the me who likes {thing}.
+breathing for how hard it is to plan the Tri-C Voyage. good GRIEF.
+breathing for Pailful Chorales. AGAIN?! ALREADY?! OKAY THEN.
+breathing for how stupid and fucked up it is that Agent Twitin has cancer. FUCK YOU, CANCER. breathing for the whole family. breathing for the world where we haven’t figured out how to fix this shit yet.
+breathing for how stressful it is when Agent Universe has a mental health crisis and everyone starts contacting me to find out if ze’s okay and I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE ZE WON’T TALK TO ME so then i feel like the worst friend ever for not knowing what’s going on with my friend even though how could i POSSIBLY KNOW if ze WON’T TALK TO ME and i know it’s not my stuff but still HARD HARD HARD.
and breathing for donuts! Hello, donuts!
+breathing for Mermaid Wings. YAYYYY this is fun.
+breathing for Entry Magic! OHMYGOD! Doing Entry is MAGIC! It totally is! MAGIC!
+breathing for the Clues about [T!] eeeee exciting (IDEA!!)
+breathing for the Intel from the Phaerie Garden! so much good Intel this visit!
+breathing for Op: Day Pirate. DAY PIRATE IS THE BEST NAME FOR THIS EEEEE!!!
+breathing for how EXCITED I am about the Tri-C Voyage! SO MUCH YAY! It’s going to be so GOOD, I just KNOW!
+breathing for being Secretly In Love with Mister Newts (proxy! not actually a human person!)
+breathing for the DWBH mini-op! that was fun!
+breathing for {StW/nStW}! that was also fun and REALLY USEFUL.
+breathing for cashew-milk ice cream, WHOA
Here are some doors.
+I am releasing the April Festival. Thank you, Festival!
+I am planting the seeds for May Festival. Ooooh this is gonna be a good one.
+I am building the {Fortress} for {Op: Flamingo Goat Cow} which could probably use a better name. Invoking my Superpower of I Am So Ready for the foundation. YES. Also my Superpower of I Totally Got This. YES.
+I am dancing into the Tri-C Voyage.
And my fake band of the week is: Lonely Cheese Revolution! ::raucous applause::
What worked? Remembering not to be impressed.
Next time… I’d like to remember that a little sooner, please.
Hard: Things lurking in internal closets.
Good: Flow, ink! Sing, body! Sparkle, spirit, and love everyone within your light!
Wham boom: Printed five copies! Flow, ink, flow!
I cannot think of a better superpower for me right now than Glowing Clarity. I am slathering on that salve, with a thankful heart! <3
350! That’s a lot of chickens!
What Worked? (Two W words!)
My scientists coming in with their clipboards of data about my meeting with the New Team, ready to show the Monsters, but they Exited, Stage Left. (See the picture of the Monster exiting on the last page of the Monster Manual.)
Doing Just One Thing for the last several days. (It is related to my Long Egyptian River Technique of iguana wrangling and monster avoidance.)
The Pool of Car.
What will I do next time?
Engrave “If it doesn’t elicit that deep strong knowing of I Want This, then I don’t want it.” on the back side of the Stone of TRUCK. Nope, embody it in a Stone of Yes. That Glows with Clarity.
Listen to that voice telling me ways to Move More and do it. I am becoming Expanding Lee.
The Good – Sparklepoints for being much more mentally flexible. Carpool with a stranger! No problem. Carpool today? Not a problem being ready 15 minutes earlier. No carpool tomorrow? I get to drive myself. Using much less gas. Getting up to 2 hours more of reading. Using my personal music device to get my daily requirement of classical music.
Thrift store shopping with my sister.
This dark, hard, dampness inside is being treated with Do Just One Thing Therapy. It seems to have lightened. The Monsters say I’m just on the high point of my Mood Swing. My scientists agree and say, “So?” And I smile and enjoy it.
The Dude going on a job interview today. He’s feeling up to it.
Happy Friday and cluck!!
What worked this week: listening to my body, going to bed. Investigating. Exquisite well-tending. Not taking things personally. Working thru the outline and being kind. Also, finally doing things I want to do.
the sucks:
-so I’ve been asking questions (how do I fuel myself better? whence cometh this fear all the time?) and answers are coming, and some of them are sad or scared and they bring tears, and I am prepared to follow those rabbitholes, except I’m usually walking into the office. a breath for intel, and for right timing
-Operation Secure the Keep. I’ve been working on it for years now, and many of these Ops have succeeded and many are in process. But there has been a ticking time bomb and Secure the Keep has always been about shielding us from the kaboom. Well, kaboom.
-Now is Not Then, but having to tell my husband about Kaboom meant I spent 24 hours in a panicked, hyper-aroused PTSD, ‘that man is gonna hit me’ nightmare. I cried with relief when husband was not mad, not mean, definitely not abusive. “Let this be the door you close on all of this bullshit.” So happy ending, but the fear and panic and anxiety was wearying. a breath for being a clockwork orange.
-and the money got tight and I panicked. a breath for being a grasshopper who wants to be an ant.
-hey, if I’m grasshopper, how come I work like a fucking ant?
-all the writing I’m not doing.
but so much sparkle:
-kids came home
-visits with J and her friends
-the relief and love when the husband was so kind. “So are you surprised by my lack of reaction?” yes. a breath for being pleasantly surprised
-Hot Tub cabins!!! such a great caper! I have wanted to go to these cabins since 1997, kids, and the husband and I finally went. hot tub, a nice lodge, a cute town, Grateful Dead tapes during breakfast. I love Morrison, CO! A breath for completing an op, for not blowing myself off, for a wonderful night away from home
-watching the full moon from the hot tub.
-beautiful weather!
-gardening!
-new friends!
-unexcpected support
-despite the tender intel, I kinda like what I have uncovered in my investigations. I like being Mrs. Columbo
-a unepxceted windfall of acorns allowed me to pay some, repay others and start a secret stash in the iron tree.
-exquisite well tending, including playing hookey just to go to Barre 2 and then lunch at taco de mexico. not telling anyone who might disapprove
-lots of migraines this week is a sign for more sleep and well tending
350 Chickens is a very large number. Cool!
I wrote my first sonnet, about a relationship that recently ended. Realized the poem is actually about 2 relationships, the other being one that ended long ago, but continues to echo in my current life.
And… I think I’m finally DONE. 30 years of my life dealing with the Thing and the Fallout. THat’s… > 60%.
Time to Find My (48 year old) YESes: what sparks delight? What’s easy and fun? what keeps trying to catch my attention? I’m listening!
What worked: Stepping back,perspective, gathering intel.
Next time: More body motion sooner.
Hard:
– my sister B, the most generous and loving person you can imagine, has suddenly got very serious kidney disease — she’s at stage 5 — facing dialysis if it drops one more point, and she needs a transplant.
– they don’t know what caused this to happen; they did tests and have ruled out all kinds of possibilities and still have no idea.
– more hard that she has to wait for a couple of informational meetings before she will be allowed to start testing and planning and whatever for the transplant. She’s a good candidate and she has donors.
– MrB getting agitated about things and that negatively affects his ability to do things or figure things out.
– me having to do things for him — that is, things that he thinks need to be done and is getting upset that they aren’t done. Like when the tornado warning announcement said to take things inside and he can’t help with that, and I thought they would be okay outside and he didn’t and I put everything I could into the garage and even put some stuff in the house, and it was hard and I had to do it quickly.
– MrB’s ankle wound recurred, and yesterday it was infected; he was put in antibiotics again. P.S. many antibiotics are hard on the kidneys and he has kidney disease.
The Good
+ As soon as they heard, everyone offered a kidney. “They” includes me. By everyone I mean her husband and daughter, both of our brothers, our sister C, and me.
+ She doesn’t have symptoms — she feels fine.
+ The doctor totally approves of what I’m doing about MrB’s wound and supports what I want MrB to do for his own self care.
+ Even though I have sore muscles, it felt good to be able to do what needed to be done to get things indoors before the tornado that didn’t come.
+ The tornadoes and super cells and “wall rain” passed a little south of us, neatly missing the small towns where my family members live.
+ I had a difficult night and took more of stronger medicine than I’ve done in a while, and I count as positive the facts that I have the stronger medicine, that I haven’t had to take it for a while.
+ The computer guy recommended by a friend has turned out to be as nice and as competent as she said he would be.
So that wraps up another week. Waving — to all the chickeneers and goodbye to the week that was.
Like Claire… this: ‘I can approach EVERYTHING from Do I Want This. And if it doesn’t elicit that deep strong knowing of I Want This, then I don’t want it.’
I have been finding myself really itching inside my skin, trying (mentally) to make a decision that is not the domain of the mental. I’d completely forgotten to give my body the choice to weigh in on the decision. This reminder allowed me to take a deep breath and relax, to start.
It also reminded me that even if I make one choice now, and then don’t love it, I can always choose again (and again and again, as needed).
<3
I thought I chickened yesterday but I guess I forgot to save it.
The Hard:
I forget.
The Lovely:
Papa home at last!
Coffee.
Another birthday with everyone I love.
Lots of lovely time with The Boy on my birthday. Which ended with us sitting in his truck on the pier at 1 a.m. laughing and chatting and et cetera. And some clews.
Whew. This week was hard, but productive. Hello, Chickeneers! Let’s do this thing!
The Hard:
– Had more to do this week than time to do it in, so some things didn’t get done.
– Made a hard choice to not go the extra mile for one project, in order to get another project done by deadline. Wasn’t a popular decision, and I think I hurt some feelings. But it was what needed to be done.
– Still super stressed out about upcoming transitions. Having trouble sleeping, having trouble focusing.
– Someone tried to hurt a friend. Friend is okay, but we’re both shaken. A breath for feeling vulnerable, and realizing how fragile life is.
The Good:
– The most important thing that needed to get done this week got done. Second most-important thing also got done. Two huge weights off my shoulders. All the sparklepoints for getting these two things done, because they were huge undertakings, and super important.
– A surprising amount of ease around a thing that’s usually super hard and stressful. More of this, please!
– Did some work to prepare for transitions. Starting to make preparations in the hard is helping a bit with the overwhelm.
– A few days of beautiful weather. More of this, too, please!
– When I really needed to say No, I said No. Result: Things worked out, and I’m really glad I set a boundary that needed to be set!
– It’s been a relatively productive weekend so far. Committed to working hard for the next few weeks to get lots of work done and tie up millions of loose ends.