Because it’s not enough that I talk to walls … I recently got sucked into an especially bizarre internal conversation. Between me and myself.
Which I reported back to you, verbatim. Because having a blog means you can do stuff like that.
Background, anyone?.
Yeah, so if you’d like to read part one of my conversation with blocks, that will give you some perspective on just how crazy I am how powerful this process can be what’s going on here.
Otherwise the CliffsNotes version is that I started talking to the part of myself which blocks me from moving forward.
We agreed that it would be best to remove some of these blocks — but only if I could give the part doing the blocking some serious reassurance that this would still be safe.
And I was told that I had to go talk to my fear. Which I so wasn’t looking forward to. But I did it anyway. Here goes.
Talking to my fear. Take 1.
Me (reluctant): Uh … apparently I’m like, supposed to talk to you or something. But I’m kind of terrified.
Fear: How very ironic. Isn’t that my job?
Me: You know, it would be nice if there were some internal part of me that wasn’t sarcastic and obnoxious.
Fear: Passive-aggressive much?
Me: You know what? Let’s start over.
Fear: You’re the one who wanted to talk.
Oof.
I did some breathing. I did some tapping on acupressure points. I pulled out my non-denominational prayer beads that are so insanely non-denominational that they have a duck on them.
And then I tried again.
Talking to my fear. Take 2.
Me: Listen, fear. I really, truly want to know whatever it is that you have to tell me.
Fear: No you don’t.
Me: I won’t criticise you. Even though it’s true that I don’t like being afraid, I’m sure you have a good reason for being here. I’d like it if you’d talk to me about it.
Fear: Do you remember … ?
What followed then was a sharp pain in my hip joint, followed by an extremely unpleasant montage of memories from junior high school.
Me: I love it. That’s where you’re taking me? I make it through poverty and divorce and a terrorist blowing up the cafe across the street … and you want me to go back to seventh grade? Do I really need to relive being terrorized by Rhonda Moore to do whatever I’m trying to do here?
Fear: Hey, you asked.
Me: What is this really about?
Fear: It’s my job to protect you. It’s my job to keep you safe. Stop trying to make me go away because I’m not going anywhere!
Talking to my fear. Take 3.
Me: So you’re here to protect me.
Fear: Uh huh.
Me: Why can’t I have other forms of protection that aren’t so … scary? I mean, uncomfortable.
Fear: That’s just how it is and it’s never going to change! Stop trying to make me change! Please?
Me: Oh, fear. I’m sorry. You must be feeling really worried that I’m going to get rid of you. It’s horrible when people want you to change. I know that.
Fear: Okay. Promise that you won’t hurt me.
Me: I won’t hurt you. Just tell me what I need to know. I’m listening.
My fear was very, very quiet. And then one word came up.
Inside of me it was dark and silent. There was only this one word.
VIGILANCE.
Vigilance.
Talking to my fear. Take 4.
Me: Tell me about vigilance.
Fear: Vigilance is the only way. You need to be kept safe. So I keep you alert and vigilant so you can protect yourself.
Me: By scaring the hell out of me.
Fear: Uh huh.
Me: I guess I can appreciate that. Kind of. I mean, what actually happens is that I get so paralyzed by the fear itself that I’m not able to be vigilant. The fear just knocks me down. So maybe not so effective. But I get how it’s supposed to work.
Fear: Vigilance!
Me: So if the purpose of me feeling this thing is vigilance and alertness … couldn’t there be another mechanism?
Fear: ??
Me: What if there are other ways to help me achieve this state of alertness that is so important because it keeps me safe? What about things like mindfulness and awareness and caution?
Fear: You would trust them to do my job?
Me: Well … what if they could do your busy work? And then you wouldn’t need to show up unless it was an absolute emergency?
Fear: Interesting ….
In which we reach a (temporary) agreement.
It took a while and some bartering but we got there.
Basically my fear told me that I have more healing to do. And I tried not to be all, Hello, if I weren’t afraid all the time I wouldn’t be so screwed up … what’s wrong with you?!
Which mostly worked.
I did get my fear to agree that I am now allowed to invoke protection in other forms.
In fact, my fear is going on a kind of a partial sabbatical. We agreed that it can still keep watch to make sure that I am being alert and aware and mindful. And … we’ll see how it goes.
I asked about what was going to happen next and my fear said I had to go do some deep work with my second chakra and then I rolled my eyes and then my fear called me a pussy.
It was delightful.
And really, that’s when everything went crazy and the seriously weird stuff started happening, but we’ll have to talk about that next time.
To Be Continued …
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Okay, so this is going to be really weird, but as I read the dialog with your Fear, the To The Pain scene from Princess Bride came rushing to the front of my mind.
Your Fear is playing the part of Wesley and you’re playing the part of Prince Humperdink.
You: To the Death!
Fear: No, to the pain!
You: I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that one.
(I’m not going to write the scene out here; go watch the movie if you can’t remember it!)
Unlike Humperdink, however, you are actually interested in learning, interested in growing, interested in changing.
Big stuff.
Oh, and BTW, there was (in the days of Gilgamesh) a Cult of the Duck. So your nondenominational prayer beads are simply recalling an ancient cult that (rightly) knew that the veneration of Ducks was for the betterment of humanity. 😉
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Hi Havi,
Been reading your blog for several weeks now. Still haven’t made it through the archive yet…
All very interesting and helpful. Thank you. Also working with Shiva Nata DVD. HHmmm.
I felt compelled to say this after reading this post:
Your fear gave you a very real answer. You dismissed it.
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Do I really need to relive being terrorized by Rhonda Moore to do whatever I’m trying to do here?
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My varied experiences with emotion (EFT, Rosen Body Work, Law of Attraction, Buddhism, etc) says to me you should revisit that B***** Rhonda. She is probably at the root of some of your fears… especially the one that’s holding you back right now.
Maybe you should dialog with her.
Thanks for splaying your life out on a platter for those of us out here on the edge. Interesting how being “edgy” is thrilling and terrifying. Like, sometimes when one falls over the edge and into the abyss.
Wheee.
Hello there dearest duck girl,
Wowie Zowie- This is just what I needed today. I always forget that my fear is there to help me and not torture me and that it has needs too!
Maybe we could get our fearful selves to start a support group where they could go off and meet without us on the astral plane….. or a “Fears R Us” conference where they could learn some better, kinder tactics and strategies for dealing with their poor, beleaguered hosts and hostesses …. namely us! Although it did totally crack me up that your fear called you a pussy
I look forward to hearing more about the wild weirdenesses that ensued as you continued your conversation with your fear. And good luck with your second chakra work!
Hope your hands and wrists are feeling better. It’s nice to have you back!
Hugs and adoration,
Chris
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Your fear and my persistent limiting belief could totally hang out. I think they’d get on very well indeed.
And I’m freaked out because Christy is all about The Princess Bride today and we’ve just had a really long discussion of the Princess Bride on Twitter and that’s totally nuts.
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And you ended the post with “…and then the weird stuff started to happen…”!
Can’t wait to hear about the really weird stuff in Part 3. 🙂
Sue
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“What if there are other ways to help me achieve this state of alertness that is so important because it keeps me safe? What about things like mindfulness and awareness and caution?”
Oh, that’s so what I need to negotiate with my fear.
Perhaps my fear doesn’t trust me to do what’s necessary to take care of myself. I’m not sure *I* trust me to do that, so I guess it wouldn’t be surprising…
Vigilance. I have a related thing with negativity – negativity thinks it’s helping because it’s always looking out for the catch, the problem, the let-down, so that I won’t be ambushed by those things. It figures it’s better to expect nothing than to be disappointed. Very, very definitely my mother’s voice. She genuinely and explicitly believes that.
I’m sure I’ve told the birthday card story, right? About the card she sent my sister with the sweet little printed poem which wished for all her dreams to come true that year? And underneath my mother had written, ‘But they probably won’t!’
Well, the only thing I can say is : Why didn’t you write this three months ago ? A clinical psychologist took a pile of money and 8 sessions to tell me approximately the same thing as a single blog post. And you know what else? That vigilance monster will wear you out, leaving you exhaustipated on the floor. I’m learning though. I have scheduled a conversation with my fear in a couple of days. At least now I am not going into the discussion unarmed.
You need to tell that badass Fear to go on permanent vacation 😉
Brava! My inner pussy started purring when I read that your fear called you a pussy. Now she’s perched on my shoulder saying, “See, I told you. Pussi-ness rules!”
I feel unproductive and she’s proud of herself.
Well, at least we got that out into the open!
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“I make it through poverty and divorce and a terrorist blowing up the cafe across the street … and you want me to go back to seventh grade? ”
This is what I’m afraid of. Does ANYONE have good memories of seventh grade? I’ve mostly got suppressed memories.
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JoVE – two days ago I got a phone call from my seventh grade teacher – no kidding – a former nun, now a massage therapist living with her (female) partner in Oregon.
Holy Flashbacks, Batman!
Molly Gordons last blog post..How Prospective Clients Can Teach You Marketing: The Surprising Relationship Between Marketing and Empathy
If you’re familiar with EFT then you already know about the concept of “dancing around the pain” — that you play at the edges, rather than going in deep.
That’s what we do here. We don’t dive into the pain.
We also don’t encourage people to dive into the pain because what we’re trying to do is meet them where they’re at in the present moment. A concept you’re probably already familiar with as well because of your background in Buddhism.
And since you’ve studied Buddhism, you also know about the whole compassion thing.
There are many, many ways to demonstrate compassion (none of which I’m using at the moment) but suggesting to someone how they should be dealing with their pain is probably not even in the top ten.
I get that your intention is pure-hearted and comes from a place of wanting to help. At the same time I’m feeling frustrated because I need to know that other people reading this can feel safe meeting their pain in the way that’s right for them.
And that I can document my process in the way that is peaceful and right for me, without censoring myself.
What I’m trying to do here in these posts is to model an honest, authentic conversation that I have with myself. I’m not modeling “how to do it right”.
I’m modeling the act of engaging in vulnerable interaction and reporting exactly what happened as it happened.
The idea isn’t that someone learns how to do this whole communicating-with-yourself thing in a certain way, but that they might end up feeling empowered enough to give it a try.
Here’s what I’m not looking for in these posts: advice on how to do it better or differently.
Here’s what I AM looking for: resonance. If other people reading this can relate to the pain or get more interested in their own [insert non-cheesy term for the self-work process], that’s beautiful and amazing and inspiring to me.
When people write to me about how terrified they are to start blogging, it’s usually because they’re scared that other people are going to show up and suggest that they do uncomfortable things. My job is to reassure them that they aren’t going to be dragged kicking and screaming from their comfort zone.
Ironically it tends to be the comments like this — the really kind-hearted well-intentioned ones — that inadvertently push people back into their shells. Which is why we try and tread lightly here.
Sometimes it’s easier, sometimes it’s harder.
@Molly – I adore you. Glad your inner pussy can hang out with mine. God that sounds awful. Rephrase as necessary. Also neat that your teacher called you.
@Dale – Right on. That’s great that it was useful, even if the timing was kind of off! 🙂
@Kate – that is the most depressing story in the entire world! We need to hang out more…
@everyone else – thanks for reading and thinking with me. I’ll rest up until I’m ready to share part 3, if I get there. Right now I’m really not in the mood though.
Dude,
I am completely riveted by your series on conversing with your blocks.
I’m learning SO much from it.
About how I can be gentle and conscious with myself and where I’m at.
Thank you, rare and precious woman.
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