I’m feeling kind of conflicted.
To begin with, I’m not a fan of “stuff”. As you probably know. Objects, clutter, junk, things, possessions. Whatever you want to call them. It’s not my deal.
Partly because of the “I’m a nomad who’s moved countries three times” thing. Partly because of my yoga-centric obsession with simplicity and simple living. And maybe mostly because of the environmental thing.
Yes, I’m a big hippie. And yes, if it were up to me … well, never mind. I don’t want to get into a discussion of my dictatorial tendencies.
Let’s just say that a. the “holiday season” here in North America brings up all sorts of junk for me, and b. if you haven’t read World Without Us, read it now.
At the same time giving feels good, of course, and giving can also be a huge part of a spiritual or self-work practice. We like the giving. Lots.
But I’m going to consciously rein in my philosophizing tendencies and just try and come up with some useful thoughts in response to some of the questions I’ve been getting about gift-related holiday stress.
Actually, skip that. I’m just going to give you the abbreviated Philosophy of Giving that Selma the Duck and I live by, at least when we remember to.
Also, one or two or three semi-quirky personal recommendations. Just because.
Selma and Havi’s Gift-Giving Philosophy.
Understand this principle:
You can’t get out of it, but you can get around it.
Basically, you’re probably going to have to give people stuff even if you personally happen to think this whole exchange-of-stuff tradition is a terrible idea.
And since the holiday giving tradition is hard to get out of — and it’s actually really fun when people are all excited to get stuff from you — the trick is to find things that are good to give.
The things that I can feel happy about giving (or at least okay about) pretty much fall into three categories.
1. Gifts of knowledge.
Books, ebooks, audio products, anything that has Useful Information.
Stuff like World Without Us. Is it depressing? Yeah, a little. But it’s also uplifting. And it makes people think about the world we live in.
Also, Alan Weisman is a very kind person, and actually wrote me a sweet email in response to my gushing fan letter. It was the kind of fan letter that should really have elicited a good, old-fashioned restraining order, but he took it very well.
Other recommendations?
- Andrea J. Lee is giving away the ebook version of her Multiple Streams of Coaching Income. Like, giving it to you. For nothing. You should get it. Even if you don’t ever plan on coaching anyone. Good stuff.
- Jennifer Louden’s Life Organizer. Like it sounds, only better.
- Naomi’s excellent Online Business School.
And really, for Useful Information, it’s sometimes most satisfying just to browse your local (independent!) bookstore and pick the brains of the tome-lovin’ people who work there.
2. Gifts of inspiration.
Beautiful things that people can enjoy and reflect on. It’s a great way to support artists and musicians too.
In my mind, the real gift is going to the creative person I’m supporting, and the “getting to give it to someone I like” part is totally for my own pleasure.
If it’s art with some practical function — such as “you can drink from it” or “you can wrap yourself up in it”, so much the better.
Music is one of the best and most inspiring gifts possible — and in that regard, I like mp3s instead of CDs. You know, the whole packaging thing.
Recommendations?
- I really like Miya’s beautiful ceramic stuff — both wacky and very affordable. Plus, she actually works in a real, live cheese shop (which, by the way, is Jennifer Louden’s sick, twisted fantasy). Also, I love her.
- If you know anyone who makes stuff from yarn (uh, I think that’s called knitting?), the most gorgeous stuff ever is at the Blonde Chicken Boutique.
You probably know Tara from the comments. She’s one of our very own Fluent Self-ified fans and she rocks. I know you’re thinking yarn?! It’s not like that.
- Not a jewelry person at all, but I did buy a very pretty plate from Stacey, another Twitter connection.
- I also just ordered music on CDbaby.com (oh, how I love them). Calvin Marty and the Sunken Ship. Also some heal-the-world lullabies from Eliana Gilad.
3. Gifts of meaning.
I guess this is already a theme of this post, but seriously, what about supporting your small, scrappy local businesses or giving something that’s good for the world?
Greenish gifts. Stuff you make. Stuff you can eat.
You can’t really go wrong with edible — and it’s a great way to opt out of the “here’s some more stuff for you to put on a shelf and have to dust” kind of thing, but still show you care. Nourishment! Symbolism! Happy memories!
Also, who doesn’t like food? Yum. Food.
Recommendations?
Find something in your own neighborhood. If yours is inhospitable to small and localness (and there are so so many that are), then how about:
- Alima, of course. Alima is the name of an amazingly great (read: integrity like crazy) Portland company that makes natural cosmetics.
I’m assuming you don’t want to get caught in the middle of one of my rants about the toxic cosmetic industry. Let’s just say that if you’re going to put stuff on your face, get the kind that isn’t evil. Aside from not being evil, Alima’s stuff is beautiful and very affordable. I love this company.
- Sock Dreams. This is where I get all my socks. Portland business. Woman-owned. If you are a stripey sock addict (i.e. a girl), this is the best place ever.
- If you know people with babies who (the people, not the babies) are earth-friendly types (or aren’t easily offended), you can get sweet and adorable cloth diapers from the lovely Renee at Sweet Cheeks Diapers in Vancouver, BC.
They’re paying for shipping during the holidays too.
Ooh, another thing (three things?) I forgot to mention:
Jennie will kill me if I talk about gifts and then — oy vavoy — neglect to mention No Limit Texas Dreidel. So I’m mentioning it.
Jennie is on a mission to make Hannukah less lame, and she’s doing a fine job. No Limit Texas Dreidel, people.
The other thing I should mention is that Modern Tribe, her gorgeous and surprisingly hip Judaica shop, is also doing holiday sales.
Amazing stuff there. Jennie helps a ton of small-studio artists put their stuff out into the world. And FYI, she gave me a discount code. It’s HAVIBFF and gets you 15% off whatever you order through December 31. Rock on, say I.
The last thing I’m mentioning is just that I really, really am not into receiving presents for Hannukah.
I’m not kidding. Please don’t get me anything for Hannukah, okay?
In fact, my recommendation would be that if you want to get jew-ey presents for any of your jewish and jew-positive friends, get stuff now while it’s on sale, but then stick it in the closet for a few months.
I know it’s totally sweet that you think of us while you’re having a holiday and want to include us in the celebrating — thank you! — but it’s totally one of our least significant holidays. Right up there (or down there, I guess) with the birthday of the trees.
If you’re not wishing me a happy new year on Rosh HaShana and commiserating with me while I’m scrubbing the house top to bottom for Pesach, and praising my blintzes on Shavuot … there’s really no reason to randomly get me something for Hannukah.
Though you’re a schweetheart for thinking of me. Still, I’d much rather that you just hang out with me here while I rant about stuff. Ohmygod, you’re doing it right now. I adore you.
That’s it. Nothing more to see here.
Thanks for letting me share my gift-giving philosophy.
Now you’ll be slightly less offended when Selma and I show up at your next birthday with home-baked bread, the link to an ebook and our dog-eared copy of World Without Us.
This just in: I just read Naomi’s post about what she’s doing to help this abused woman get out of an awful, awful situation.
It’s one of her clients. And I would do the same for one of mine. So scrap everything and go spend your money there. Or do something for her in addition to whatever else you’re doing. But come help.
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Everyone who’s wise says this is a rude and annoying thing to do, but I don’t care. (Because I’m rude and annoying.) Last year I gave Heifer a $500 donation instead of buying presents, and this year I will do the same. My husband’s family thinks I’m a selfish hippie hag but they didn’t actually like me that much to start, so it’s not a long fall.
I used to really get into it, but no matter how hard I try, I am unable to keep my Zen equanimity when I spend many hours and many dollars coming up with something thoughtful and gorgeous and perfect, and in return I get a hideous sweater with a reindeer that’s two sizes too small or too big. So I quit doing it.
Sonia Simones last blog post..Dumb Things Small Businesses Do #6: Ingratitude
I’m going to end up writing an essay here, I suspect, but… it’s nice to see I’m not the only one in the world who doesn’t like the whole giving presents thing. I think it’s the cards that get to me more, though. I’m not a big fan of Stuff.
Anyway, I think these are great ideas.
Joely Blacks last blog post..Vulnerability and a little self-criticism
Dearie, if you and Selma turned up with some homebaked bread and a download link, I’ll be over the moon!
My in-laws asked that we donate whatever amount of money we were going to spend on gifts to some cause on their behalf. I’ve come up with what I (perhaps vainly) think is a cooler idea. (Given that not gifting in some way just won’t work.)
I just discovered that kiva.org (check it out if you don’t know about it … microloans to specific people/projects in the developing world) has gift certificates! So we’ll get them a gift certificate in the proper dollar amount and let them choose whom to support.
Benefits:
1. Exposure to a cool project.
2. Helps my m-i-l’s jonesing for playing with investing (seriously, she’s 5′-1″, grey hair, and she can play the stocks with the big boys!).
3. Once the initial loan is repaid, my in-s can reinvest in someone else via kiva. Thus, it quite literally becomes the gift that keeps on giving!
It’s very hippie-esque. And well, how many of you out there can actually say, “Hey, I helped a woman named Guadalupe in Nicaragua get a new sewing machine for her tailoring shop, so that now her kids can afford to go to school!”?
I’m just sayin…
Gifts of knowledge, inspiration, meaning — man, can you get any better? Great recommendations, a lovely discount code (thanks Jennie!), and a wonderful expression of what can feel like a crap-tastic waste of money and attention. Luckily, I was raised in a family that put a premium on ‘homemaders’ and it’s the thinking that goes into those that tend to delight the recipient.
Another thought, for those of us with too much stuff (all of us — no wonder the personal storage business booms!) — you can give an Experience. A meal, a visit, an outing, an activity, an event — even if you can’t be a part of it due to distance.
Thanks for the thoughtful gift-giving philosophy — your blog’s a real gift in this cyber-advertising time.
I’m with Sonia and others on donating as a gift to someone. I started out with a charity that I liked, but now I put some effort into figuring out who the receiver supports and giving to that. My dad was delighted when I gave money to a charity that he supports (and has been on the board of) and my mother-out-law was equally delighted that I would give money to her arts centre (she’s on the board there, too). Neither of them needs more stuff, and all are involved in some kind of charitable work. Much nicer digging around for their charities than actually shopping.
Your ideas are also great. And thanks for the heads up on the Hannukah thing. I think a lot of us are trying to be inclusive and aren’t really sure where to start.
JoVEs last blog post..Done: Table runner
Ahhh – that makes me feel so much better. I was out of work for 17 months – two Christmases in a row – a few years back, and they were the best holidays ever. No one expected a gift from me, people didn’t buy me stuff because they knew I couldn’t reciprocate – it was the best.
So – ever since I’ve been trying to duplicate that experience. And I’m all about the “experience gift” – especially for the kids in my family who I’ve gotten to know better by hanging out with them on the way to hockey games and concerts.
And mac? My mom is gonna love kiva.com. Thanks!
@Sonia, don’t listen to them, I know I’d be honored if someone made a donation instead of buying me presents. I hate presents anyway, but that’s not the point.
@mac I think that is effin awesome!!!
I can’t stand getting gifts, but I love giving them. Like, I’m obsessed with it. I give random homeless people bus tokens for pete’s sake! Most of my family and friends are very easy to buy for, but that has always kind of been my knack. I’m really frustrated this year that I can’t buy a bunch of presents, nor buy the supplies to make a bunch of presents. I know it’s the thought that counts, but this is really depressing me.
Reading this post made me realize I know almost nothing about the jewish faith. I’ve made a point to dabble in the study of religions, but this makes me sad that I know almost nothing about the religion I almost buy into more than my own.
Melissas last blog post..Sometimes You Just Don’t Have a Subject Line
Hey havi,
Yes, the problem of all the stuff that we don’t really need! Oy Vey, Ay Chihuahua! It’s hard not to go on rants but I appreciate all your recommendations for heart and inspiration and meaning.
Most of the people in my life ( i.e. my chosen tribe ( otherwise known as friends) don’t really care about actual physical gift type things. What is so much more precious to all of us is spending time and doing something really cool and creative together. Like cooking or baking or making art or music. When I do give gifts I try to support local artists and musicians, and cool organic, sustainable hippie companies which keeps the whole local economy going.
One of the things that we did last year was ask that Tim’s ( my computer god husband) inlaws give US a gift of donating to Heifer http://www.heifer.org. That way they get their goodies and we can still have some of what is important to us. It worked out pretty well and it’s loads of fun cause they have that cool catalog where you can buy cows or bunnies or BEES! for crying out loud.
Also, the folks on my side of the family are more than happy with cold, hard cash so at least I don’t have to actually go out to a mall or anything hideous like that
And I just came across this video about the whole stuff, consumerism cycle. It’s kind of long( 20 minutes) but interesting and entertaining as well as being somewhat depressing. http://www.storyofstuff.com.
Thanks again for being the gift that you are! And thanks for the heads up/tutorial on the Jewish holidays. That was very helpful!
chris zydels last blog post..PAIN FREE CREATIVITY: YOU DON’T REALLY NEED TO SUFFER FOR YOUR ART
Amen!
I have gotten this down pretty much now.
I’m with you…I don’t need anymore stuff and I don’t like to shop.
My parents get cash…they are cool with it and they buy things they want. Yeah it’s crass…I’m ok with that.
My wife buys the nieces and nephews clothes and toys…that’s ok with me…I’m not involved and she likes to shop.
My wife gets stuff for her family as well…I’m not in that loop either.
My brother and sister agreed with me to quit gifting each other…we are grown ups, we can deal with it.
My wife and I may or may not buy something for ourselves and label it a “Christmas present” anytime of the year…many times. 🙂
For all other hubby/wife gift giving occasions…we go out to eat or go on a trip when its convienent for us…not on any specific date.
I write a holiday newsletter and sent it out in all the Christmas cards…some people acutally like it!
Happy giving!
Yoops 🙂
I heart Sock Dreams with big sloppy kisses and warm legs!
Heathers last blog post..Let Them Come To You
Hi Havi,
Years ago in my family we introduced wish lists for Christmas and birthdays. Everyone writes their own wish list which is then made available to everyone in the family. People then randomly select things from the list to buy them. It ends up people get what they really want or need instead of things that end up in the back of a cupboard, but they don’t know which things they’re going to get so it’s still a surprise. It’s worked so well that friends have started doing the same thing.
Hi Havi
Thanks for the multiple streams link I’d somehow missed that. Have a feeling of Karma after doing two random acts of giving today (most unlike me).
Alan Weisman book looks interesting too.
Good to know I’m not alone in my issues around the gift thing.
Can’t believe no one has disagreed with me on the Hannukah thing. I was expecting a bunch of people to say “Hey, I LOVE getting presents, what are you doing?!” Or at the very least to tell me I spelled it wrong!
@Steve – I might borrow your idea. Verra nice!
I do have a sick cheese shop fantasy, it’s true. You outed me. Oh wait, I already outed myself. Opps.
And you know what, I both hate giving gifts and I love getting them which really puts me in a bind. It’s just the whole trying to think of everybody. But I also feel sort of left out when I don’t do the whole gift thing… like Havi, you’re my new friend. Should I send you a gift?
Wait, I will. I know just what to send! Thanks for helping me think that through. 🙂
Jennifer Loudens last blog post..Comfort and Calm with Michael Neill
Like Jen Louden, I just LURVE getting presents. But I only love presents that I want, that are useful, and that I’d never buy for myself.
Basically, this makes me WAY more high-maintenance than anyone who loves me can tolerate. So I just don’t do gifts. Especially this year. And I ask not to receive them, too.
This does make the whole opening-presents-thing on Christmas morning a little deflating. But it spares me from gifts like the bug-zapping tennis racket I got last year.
Yup.
I would not want to meet Naomi in a dark alley. From what I’ve read and some very brief correspondence, I like her and I like her style. But I also feel like she would beat my ass without hesitation and throw my underwear into a tree.
I asked for and received her OBS for Christmas, so fingers crossed that I’m not right. But if anyone finds me bruised and commando, you know who to look for.
Johnny Truants last blog post..Unfortunately, pants
And again, as far as CommentLuv is concerned, “Unfortunately, Pants” is the peak of my creative abilities. It refuses to acknowledge Constipated Santa.
Johnny Truants last blog post..Unfortunately, pants
No, Jen, NOT a bug zapping tennis racket? NO!! That cannot exist on planet earth. NO, I will not allow it.
Jennifer Loudens last blog post..Comfort and Calm with Michael Neill
Wait, a bug zapping tennis racket? That must make quite the racket! tee hee!
No, I agree with Jen #2 – a TRAVESTY! How embarrassing. And wrong. I think there was a bunch of other stuff I wanted to say but of course am way too distracted by that.
Though my brother gave me a Whomping Hammer and it pleases me very much. It is good for the Whomping. And sometimes things must be whomped, you know?