Yes. This is the follow-up to Part 1 which was all about the things that were hard, challenging, stressful and annoying about being on email sabbatical.
This time it’s about the good parts. And yeah, there are good parts. I mean, there must have been, since it’s been fifteen months I’m never going back.
So in case I depressed the hell out of you last time, here’s where things start to look up.
The good, the reassuring, the stuff that — amazingly, eventually — worked.
Email sabbatical solves inbox zero.
It takes you off the rollercoaster of crazy because for you, there is no inbox. Wrap your head around that.
Anyway, it deguiltified my life by about 90%.
It makes you get your systems down. You nail them.
When you are paying someone vast sums of money to respond to everything that comes in, you find yourself doing everything in your power to make sure stuff doesn’t come in.
You make sure that your FAQ pages answer every possible question. You find the holes. You fill the holes. Everything has to work.
Smartest thing I ever did was to hire Cairene to help me with this. She’s a genius at transforming scary, boring (or kind of non-existent) systems into ones that are organic, supportive, loving and fun. Systems!
It took a while but it was totally worth it. Crap was sorted. Miracles happened.
We went from getting hundreds and hundreds of requests a day to … really not that many at all.
The snail mail!
So many people send me actual letters now. And cards. And fan-socks. Real things. It’s brilliant.
The new generation.
Now that it’s been more than a year, there are so many people in my Fluent Self-ey world who just completely take the sabbatical for granted.
They know. I don’t do email. That’s just how it is. They aren’t even slightly offended. It’s wonderful.
A lot of people were really understanding.
For every person who threw a fit or “had a growth period” about not being able to reach me (as Hiro so sweetly put it), there were many other people who really got it.
They understood that this was something I needed to do for me, and that it wasn’t at all about me not adoring them.
And we worked on finding other ways to stay connected.
Having an extra two hours in your day.
It’s a little like always having cash in your pocket after you quit smoking.
Whenever I go for a afternoon walk or take a nap or mess around on a project, it’s because of Email Sabbatical. I love email sabbatical.
No shoes.
Shoes, if you’re not familiar with the term, refers to people saying mean things about you.
It still happens. But I don’t have to deal with it because I don’t see it.
Not interacting with people throwing shoes at me means not having to build all that processing-and-recovery time into my schedule. Because even if you delete a shoe, it still hurts.
Less taking on of other people’s stuff = less stress.
Indeed.
Having to clarify what you do and don’t want to see is useful and interesting.
Normally you don’t get a chance to think about what kinds of things you want to see during the day.
And the thing is, as soon as you have to make decisions on stuff, email sabbatical stops being email sabbatical.
Everything got better once I got clear on what I don’t need to see.
Most things.
At first we had ten thousand rules about how to evaluate things and what to do in different situations.
Trying to keep track was exhausting, so eventually we threw them all out and made one general Do Not Disturb Sign Havi Doesn’t Really Want To Be Asked About Things Rule, which is basically this:
If people are happy, thank them and put it in the Folder of Appreciation and Wonderfulness where I’ll see it later, when I’m in the mood for it. If people are unhappy, acknowledge their pain.
If someone wants to have dinner with me and it’s not Johnny Depp, I can’t.
Setting boundaries is healthy.
It’s also painful, scary and hard — but once you do it, you have all this room for you.
Boundaries exist for a reason. To create space. And safety. And quiet. And establish those areas that are yours and where you have sovereignty.
The thing I keep learning the hard way is that respecting your own boundaries is — weirdly — also a way of respecting other people’s boundaries.
I’m still really new at this one, so all I can say is that it’s a good thing that’s also a challenging thing.
Conclusions?
That was my year without email.
Which has basically turned into my life without email.
It’s a lot like when I quit sugar ten years ago.
That first month? Torture. Hell on wheels. After six months, though, there was no going back.
And here we are.
Comment zen for today …
Touchy topic, I know. And this is not in any way meant to be a “this is how you should do things” post.
Here’s what I’d love:
- your thoughts on process, systems, capacity, interacting with making changes.
- other things about transitioning and boundaries.
- support for doing something challenging and hard.
Here’s what I’d rather not have:
- Explanations of why email actually is really great or why it’s necessary. I’m not anti-email. I’m not anti-you-doing-email. I’m just anti-situations-in-which-Havi-has-to-do-email.
- Shoulds about how I really ought to have handled things differently.
Love, as always, to the commenter mice and all my Beloved Lurkers. And thanks for the fan socks!
Follow
Wow! I haven’t read your first article about going without email (yet), but I am AMAZED at this concept! When I think about my inbox and all of the useless things that come in, all of the spam and the articles and things that could be useful if I ever read them (or maybe they are really spam in disguise), I realize how little actual communication happens there! The idea of getting rid of it all…I can’t say I’m ready for that, but it is enticing. I also really admire your boundary-setting and your stick-with-it-ness. Awesome job!
Havi, you are da bomb! 😀
I’m so proud of you.
I’m so proud of the universe for cooking you up.
I’m so proud to be a human being, when you present such a real, honest, genuine, authentic, vulnerable, loving, self-compassionate example of humanness…. because if we ain’t capable of being compassionate to ourselves, we’re not really being compassionate to other people either, we’re just trying to get them to take care of our own missing self-compassion. I love how clear you are on what matters, even when it’s awkward, difficult and complicated.
Thanks for all you embody, in what you teach.
The concept amazes me, I must confess, but I enjoy watching you model it for us.
Hee. If Johnny Depp is ever in Portland to have dinner with you, you might find another person mysteriously appear at the table. Just giving you fair warning. 😉
.-= Elizabeth´s last post … signs of spring =-.
Wow… I don’t think I could do that.
I DO wish I could make it so I had minimal or zero personal interaction with my ex husband (hopefully OFFICIALLY ex soon…) because that makes me feel about 1 inch tall, but that’s just something I need to find a process for (at least until my kids are grown)…
You are inspirational… because if someone can cut out email, what ELSE can be cut out that we all seem to think is so NECESSARY (but isn’t really) that I just haven’t had the courage to say “no more” about?
.-= Pam´s last post … Paradigm Shift: Looking at Small victories =-.
Sounds like a wealth of good reasons to cut out, or at least cut down, on email. Inbox zero is a phrase we’re hearing more and more of lately.
Feels very liberating, and I especially love this phrase: “it deguiltified my life by about 90%”.
I’m curious about how your presence on and use of Twitter changed during this last year, and if/how that has in any way replaced some of the communication you used to do by email?
Thanks for the always interesting and inventively written posts…
.-= Dan´s last post … Meet Little Miss “If Only”, Creativity Serial Killer =-.
this is brilliant. Though I have never gone email free I have never had a cell phone and I feel many of the same things about that decision that Havi has written about here.
So if email isn’t a ride you can get off of maybe a cellphone is.
Now you have me all mentally wandering, pondering my job with this type of system in place. Of course, being a community manager, and it being my job to be that front line filter/human FAQ/punching bag, it’ll never happen.
That said, definitely valuable ideas for even improving life with email.
And for those Monday mornings when I start the day with a chorus of “this is broken” and “this sucks”, well, a girl can dream… 🙂
Havi, I never cease to be impressed by your courage to make the world your own 🙂
Your post made me want to really think about all the different forms of engagement and connection with other people, and what scares me about them, which ones I prefer, and WHY every bit of that. I made up the following exercise that people who read this might find useful (you’ve obviously done your thinking where this is concerned!):
List all the forms of communication that you use with people – telephone, email, letter-writing, Aldus lamp – and rate them all on dimensions that are important to you. Mine were: Scary (e.g. how scary is it to use this medium), Important, Useful, Informative, Immediate, and Connected (e.g. how connected do you feel to the other person when you use this medium).
It was fascinating but not surprising to see that the more immediately connected I feel a medium makes me, the scarier it is (things might go horribly wrong! I might mess up and offend the other person! it’s going to be awkward to disengage from the conversation! they might make me promise to do something I don’t want to do!). Taking a detailed look at how the technology I use (or don’t use) for communication makes me feel was SO helpful in unpacking what my strengths and weaknesses are in communication: with time for reflection, I can be composed and confident, but if I feel like someone is waiting around for my response and every second I don’t say something I’m wasting their time, well, you get the drift. Hope this was as useful for someone else as your original post was for me!
@Katya – that is super interesting. Am going to try and take some notes. Maybe I’ll figure out my distrust of phones!
@melle – oh sorry, sweetpea. MONDAYS. Ick. But yeah, creative boundaries of some form? Sympathy for being on the front lines.
@Dan – weirdly, I’m actually less active on Twitter. But it has been a salvation. You know, still getting to hang out with people and goof off. I love it.
@Lea – *blows kiss*
This is interesting for me. I don’t think that I’m in a place where I could see giving up email. But I could definitely see how my life would be better if I gave up some of the stuff I’m doing that is taking up time and not always making me so very happy. I appreciate reading what you’re writing, because it’s giving me some ideas about approaching my own process.
This sounds very much like when my TV died. We decided to try going without it for a month to see how we’d do. I felt all kinds of unsure and scared and at first it was very NOT FUN. But now I love having no TV, really.
.-= Amber´s last post … Downtime =-.
So fantastic. Congrats to you!!! Yay!
I love love LOVE that you did this, Havi! I love that reading about your experiences is making *me* envision what this kind of change would mean in my life.
WAY too mind-blowing to imagine actually doing right now… but then again…
Kind of like keeping Shabbat. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to do it, but it sure is fun and mind-expanding to contemplate. The idea of it is incredibly compelling and appealing.
I recently stopped eating grains, which I thought I’d never be able to do, but WOW what a difference! So you never know what I might be able to accomplish if I make the decision to. Thanks for the inspiration.
@katya, yes, your comment was incredibly useful! Much to chew on here…
I am now off for a walk in the baylands where I will contemplate more of this… AWAY from my computer. (Heh.)
.-= Melissa Dinwiddie´s last post … Enchanting My Magical Treasure Chest =-.
You can count me among the cheering chorus who think it’s simply wonderful that you’ve been brave enough — and patient enough, because I’m sure it’s taken patience — to make the changes you need!
Thinking about my boundaries now…it’s been a while since I’ve given them much conscious thought. The main thing that comes to mind is that I don’t answer the phone — any phone — unless I want to. I screen calls shamelessly. Voice mail is my bouncer.
I forget whether someone else has already pointed this out, but it occurs to me that being on proud and permanent email sabbatical is one more red velvet rope. As I see it, it’s just one of a whole collection of red velvet ropes that whisper to me: “Hey, look at all these rules she’s breaking! Look at all the ways she happily, goofily disregards all those things we’re told we have to do to be successful! And hey, look how successful she is! Why, if she can do all that — who’s to say I can’t make my own rules, and make it work for me, too?” So, I say thank you, and yay, you!
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … When the going gets tough… =-.
I love this post because it is where I want to go and it shows me a way to get there. I have limited systems. I’m not paying someone vast sums to answer my email. But I do have a good imagination, and this fuels it. I can imagine paying someone vast sums to answer my email, and use that as a starting point for figuring out the systems.
I’m also forwarding this post to other people I know whose brilliant energy sometimes gets sucked away by too much email.
Thank you!
.-= Kate T.W.´s last post … On breaking unwritten rules =-.
Oh my- I just got heart palpitations thinking about quitting email. I’m somewhat addicted to it- which is somewhat humorous- because not all that many people email me! I’ll never be able to totally quit- as me and the rest of my family usually are living all over the world, and I sort of like keeping in touch with them.
BUT- this is good motivation, to maybe- I don’t know, uh, I’m sort of having a hard time spitting this out- Maybe I should check it a little less often? Cut down to once or twice a day? phew! glad that’s out. I’ll at least start THINKING of not checking it 20x a day….. Baby steps.
.-= Suz´s last post … iCrack =-.
.haVI
.My understanding of your email sabbatical is that you still get email, just filtered through your assistant
Correct-o?
Because what about business stuff or biggie job opportunities that surface through via email?
I would think that opportunities might be lost…if that door’s not open.
.Amy
Nettle Tea Design.
.-= Amy´s last post … Hello world! =-.