the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 327th consecutive week of wishing, come play!
eighteen weeks
eighteen weeks ago I made a wish called Shed
a double-meaning wish about
deep releasing and intentional space
since then I left utah and returned to my house in portland
emptied my home
let my sweet beautiful lover go
(because he needs to go, not because either of us wants this)
and now I am slowly preparing myself to move into
136 square feet of space
so basically, hahaha, yes, okay, a shed
the wish went deep
as so many wishes do
deeper than I was able to conceive of when I wished it
and there is probably more about sheds and shedding that I don’t know about yet
and it will be funny later
when I get to it
I have shed, and I have a shed
I have shed
tears and skins and layers and belongings and parts of me
that are no longer congruent with how I want to live
I have let go and let go, into the emptying and into the Less
and now I am allowing an intentionally small
— and unintentionally shed-like —
container of delicious space to emerge
so that it may hold me in love during the next piece of this adventure
and now is the time
it is time for the next wish-of-double-meanings
I am a little scared of double-meaning wishes now
but I am also ready
shiva (i)
shiva is the beautiful form that the jewish tradition has given us
to deal with grief-sorrow-anguish-mourning
it’s no secret that I feel conflicted about many aspects of the
tribe I was born into
but judaism does some things very well
and thoughtful compassionate ritual is one of them
shiva comes from the word SEVEN
and when you lose someone, there are seven days put aside for
you, the person in a state of loss,
for doing absolutely nothing
but to be in the grief of the grief of the grief of it
you sit on the floor and you have no obligations
your friends come and they feed you
and hug you if you want to be hugged
they do not talk to you about your loss
or about how you feel
unless you bring it up first
they just give you safety and make sure
you are not alone
and that you are being nourished and cared for
it is a very good system
only when I saw how other people do it
with the awkwardness and no one knowing what to say and then
somehow almost compulsively saying all the least-helpful things
or how people in grief throw themselves into work
without making time/space for sitting with the void
then I understood what a blessing it is to have shiva
and not just the shiva but all the rituals and forms around it
there are the first seven days, which are part of the first thirty
which are part of the first year
ritual holds you the whole way
back to wholeness
shiva (ii)
shiva is the god-power of destruction
shiva is the force that sweeps through and just takes shit apart
generally right when it needs to be taken apart
the shiva force isn’t about violence
it’s about breaking things down into their components
so they can take new forms
making room for the new
which can’t grow until the old structures
have been razed
I prefer to think of it as Deconstruction
rather than Destruction
but either way, everything ends
and sometimes, or at least so I like to think,
the shiva essence makes this happen faster
more elegantly
with meaning
shiva is also a dancer
and not just any dancer but shiva nataraj, king of the dance
shiva dances-in the change (yes, that is the verb I want)
shaking things up
shaking things off
shaking things out
trust the dance
I used to teach a form of this dance
but I had to stop (because everything ends but not just because of that)
really because the thing I loved most about the form was the freedom to play
the open-source essence of it
and when that changed, unexpectedly, from where I stood,
so did my relationship with teaching
it was painful at the time
to lose my identity as a teacher
and as a student
and as someone who had been obsessed with this methodology,
who made it her life and career for a decade
but I trusted the true shiva essence of it all
and saw that if my life seemed to be coming apart
it was because something new and better was being danced-into-being
so I said thank you
for the treasure I couldn’t see yet
my wish this week has to do with both kinds of shiva
I am going through big tumultuous transition right now
with the end of my time in my beautiful home
where I have spent the past seven years
the end of ten years living with my wonderful housemate
the end of these almost unbearably sweet
fourteen months of joy and passion and gladness
with my beautiful lover who left today
I want shiva
I want to mark these endings and passages
the way I would the death of a loved one
sitting on the floor
crying as much as I need to cry
being held and fed and comforted
and I want to remember that shiva the dancer-destroyer
who brings about upheaval and deconstruction
can dance in changes with grace and power
and I can say thank you for that
I want to say thank you
I want to say thank you for
the treasure
I have already received and
the treasure that has yet to be revealed to me
but is absolutely here in all of this even when I can’t see it
I know it is here, and I know this from experience but
also because incoming-me told me so once
when I lost my mentor and all the barns burned at once
she said, my love, this is all treasure
because from now on you get nothing but treasure in this life
so if it doesn’t look like treasure,
get curious and look with wiser more loving eyes
letting go, with love
I want to find the treasure in releasing
I want to release the treasure in finding
I want to feel the treasure in grieving
I want to grieve the treasure of feeling
all of this and more
what do I know about this wish?
I am definitely feeling the strong pull to not do this
even as I am wishing it
I want so much to hurl myself into work and plans
into dance and working out
and scrubbing things clean
anything but sitting with the void
of my-lover-is-gone
and soon-my-home-is-not-my-home
anything but walking past the dining room chair
where he likes to sit and work
and where I pause to kiss the back of his neck
the way he takes my hand and kisses my palm
and presses it to his heart
anything but thinking about that please
and yet, there must be treasure in this too
for example, it is treasure that I don’t have to stay in this space
filled as it is with too much saturated memory
and it is treasure to remember being treasured
and it is treasure to know that the next time we see each other
— if/when if/when if/when if/when —
I will be both infinitely more free
and infinitely more grounded
(yes, yes, bird and tree)
than before
and so we will be new
either way everything is new again
what am I noticing about my wish?
same as last week’s, actually: this is also a wish about freedom
and about presence
this is a wish about I AM HERE, and a wish about
healing and about process
peaceful intentional process
meeting myself where I am
with as much love and legitimacy as I can muster
filling up on LIFE and beautiful ALIVENESS
coming back to the fullness of my thank-you heart
even — especially — in times of hard
now
turquoise blanket, sunlight hitting stone, the word exit, my lover-who-is-leaving texts “kissing you sweetly”, wiping tears away with a white flannel square, dark circles under my eyes, copper bell, the sun decal that is now a moon and looks like half a heart, I am here
superpower of yes to my yes, no to my no.
last month was stand in my strength more, and october (on the Fluent Self calendar) is be bold more
with the superpower of yes to my yes, no to my no
nothing is more important than this
I said last week: this is how I want to live in all things
even when it scares me
and I stand by this
last week’s wishes
I wished a wish called these are my roots…
it was a very powerful wish
and roots were exactly what was needed most
in this week of emotion and upheaval
as was the realization that so many of you also care about
the many ways that The Game Is Rigged
and so we are going to have to do something about that
subvert the game together
and I feel strongly about how important this is
and how vitally necessary it is to be well-rooted to do that good work
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
Follow
All I have to wish, today,
is a wish for inner peace
and congruence and alignment
and remembering to call
all parts of me
back to me.
Sending love and hug-offers, and bringing trays of food, and sitting with you, if you’d like company.
yes-please to all of that and thank you <3
shiva things for me might include:
— the tiniest labryinth
— lots of conducting
— the best tea
— sitting at the lodge or the chapel
— beeswax candle
— making a list of ALL THE TREASURE THAT WAS AND THAT I RECEIVE FROM THIS
— making a list of ALL THE TREASURE THAT LIVES INSIDE THIS NEW CONFIGURATION
(both of the above are true for house-shiva/house-treasure and for love-shiva/love-treasure)
— releasing more things from my space
— energy-releasing rituals
— actual shiva spirals
— yoga nidra
— long slow deep (but where?)
— deleting photographs from my phone
— deleting music from my phone
— back to the conducting vault
— skipping stones
— writing wishes
— writing a love letter to what I want, in love and home and all things
and there are also things in the category of joyful planning
— like maybe-kentucky
— or maybe-LA
— and operation sweet honey things
— and Fountaining things
whatever I do is okay and right
okay and write
okay and right/write
if I check out and watch movies all week, I am good
if I need to move my body a lot and be at the gym all the time, I am good
if I need to drink whiskey and eat fried foods and cry, I am good
THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO GRIEVE, HAVI BELL
Be where you’re at with love
remove all guilt-threads
clear out clear out clear out clear out clear out some more
and let’s bring in the new energy
into the compass
I am choosing a circle of eight:
WONDER GRACE REST REPLENISHING PEACE PROVISION LIGHT PRESENCE
and clarity in the center
I didn’t expect you’d be able to write a Wishes thingy today. More pebbles, breaths, flowers.
Realized as I read that you seem to use wishes to discover what I find out through writing poems. Poem that I wrote about breaking up with my formerly-favorite cousin… turns out to also be about my fractured relationships with my selves (sub-personas).
Shiva the Destroyer’s archetype, in my pantheon, is filled by Ereshkigal, Sumerian goddess of death, loss, and crossroads. In my experience with her, She prunes away what I thought was so deeply my essence that I can’t realize that I need to let go of it.
Ereshkigal is fierce and dangerous, but I’ve grown to love the spaciousness She’s brought into my life.
However, unlike Shiva (& unlike me), she’s not a dancer. I love that aspect… dancing-into-being, and I’m adopting it.
I hope your Shed is everything you need it to be.
thank you, I like this description of Ereshkigal so much, that helps
i am bringing you a pie
that’s what we do for shiva, right?
bring pie
it’s the best kind of pie because it only has ingredients that you eat
and none of the ingredients that you don’t eat
and it’s magic pie
so you can eat it when you want pie
and not worry about it going bad or anything
if you don’t like pie or don’t want pie
you can turn it into something else that you want
or give it to someone else who needs it
actually, since it’s magic pie
you can do all of the above.
<3
that is a very good pie: thank you so much
Here is kugel. <3
My wishes this week are an underground river. I can sense them beneath my feet; I can just hear them flowing, deep and distant. This week, I want to follow them to their source.
Also, I am currently reading a book to my daughter in which sheds are significant. I offer this intel, in case it is a clue: "[A shed] is a place for… interests. Where the future can be founded."
<3
mmm kugel! here’s to your beautiful underground river, and thank you for the excellent clue. <3
Hello my friend
No no, don’t get up
I will join you
here on the floor
if that’s alright
Are you hungry?
I brought soup
warm and nourishing
and a bottle of [whatever you like,
perhaps ginger-infused]
If you’d like a hug
my arms are strong
and either way
we can dream together
of labyrinths and lists
as long as you like.
My wish for myself this week:
Abundant self-compassion and permission to be where I am, and courage to start. It doesn’t matter what or which – just start. Step in, and trust that the flow will take me where I need to go.
A clue about sheds! Woodshedding, for musicians, is going out where no-one can hear you and playing playing playing.
Sitting with you if you want.
oh wow! I have ONLY ever heard “woodshedding” used in the context of choral music, in which it means “focusing on specific troublesome sections of the music”…because choral singers don’t go off and practice where no one can hear us. We use this term ALL THE TIME and I never understood why because the thing that we do when we say we’re “woodshedding” doesn’t have anything at all to do with woodsheds. But now I get it! Wowwwww this solves a mystery I’ve been trying to figure out for MY ENTIRE LIFE.
!!!
All I want this week
is rest
and to trust
that rest will solve all the other problems
like packing to go on holiday
and the sudden exciting news that seems to be demanding
sudden intense work
and the stuff that’s coming up again
long after I thought it was sorted
and to trust
that everything will look better
on the other side.
may it be so!
Dear Havi, I wish you beautiful snuggly blankets and rugs and colourful squishy cushions to make your time on the floor as comfy as can be, for as long as you need to be there. <3 <3
<3
Havi, I bring soup. This is my adaptation of a traditional Andino breakfast soup, which I won’t describe because the magic of it is that when you think of the perfect soup to have for breakfast, that’s what this turns out to be!
The potentially bad news I mentioned on the Chicken has landed and it is bad but not The Worst Bad, just bad enough and possibly worse than that, and the next steps have to happen quickly and while they are theoretically clear, getting everything in alignment is going to be tricky.
This week the ops are Creating Alignments, EEPAs, and Setting Up Base Camp. These are preparation for Op Operation, which is planned for next week.
And while Op Operation is in effect, I want Op Top to happen and for that my Sidekick and I need to do some reconnaissance, Pardner and I need to decide some things, acquire some things, and make some alternative plans, which may include Op Underfoot. There’s a lot going on!
Plus I have to spend Thursday and Friday looking after a couple of goats and the senior goat herder and that is going to use up more time that I want to spare.
AND Op Operation is going to be followed by Op Recoop, and the form that will take is yet to be revealed. But I bet it won’t include any travel.
All of this to say: My wish is for all to happen with ease, with the superpowers of All Timing Is Right Timing, Wearing My Crown Smiling My Smile, and I Do All Things With Grace.
Thank you to those who wished us miracles. Sometimes miracles don’t take the form that we want but miracles do happen.
thank you for the wonderful soup, and good luck and grace for your ops and wishes <3
I have some very-cheesy macaroni and cheese, and a little bowl of soft, chopped veggies to sprinkle in, if you feel like it.
I’m checking in here, from time to time, wishing you comfort, taking comfort in how brave you are, and admiring your beautiful wish.
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