Or: why I’m not going to SXSW…
So apparently my decision-making methodology has changed completely over the course of a year without me noticing.
All of my criteria are different. The process. The approach. All different.
Weird.
The decision at play: whether or not to go to SXSW.* I totally regretted not going in 2008, and then Selma and I went last year and had a blast.
* South by Southwest, the big interactive conference thingy in Austin where all the blog-ey people and pretty much all my friends and colleagues will be.
What I’ve used to base decisions on in the past.
“Is it good for my business?”
And yeah, going to SXSW last year was great for my business.
The connections I made (and the actual business that resulted from them) more than paid for the price of admission, the plane tickets and the cost of being there.
From a biggification standpoint, it was completely the right thing to do.
Except that I’ve kind of stopped making that my focus.
The question has now been replaced with this:
“Is it good for me?“
Because not everything that is good for my business is good for me.
But (so far, at least) everything that is good for me does good things for my business.
On the other hand, good for me? Not enough of a reason all by itself.
There are lots of things that might be good for me. So how do I know what’s important?
Here’s what I base decisions on now:
Capacity.
This turned out to be my big word last year.
Also my biggest learning curve. And my ow everything hurts.
So we know considerably more now about how much time/space/energy I need to function in the world.
The question last year was “What do I have capacity for? Can I squeeze something else in there?” …
This year it has evolved: “How can I get better at respecting my capacity so that I’m not constantly pushing at the edges?”
Capacity.
Just because I can hold my breath for a long time doesn’t mean that’s what I want to be doing right now. Or every day.
I don’t want to be at capacity. I want space and spaciousness.
Want vs. Should.
The want part is easy.
Obviously I want to spend time with my friends.
Obviously I want to see people I never get to see.
The question is just whether or not this is how I want to see them.
And the should? Oh, there are so many.
Everyone’s going. Blah blah blah. How can you not? Blah blah blah. People will think blah blah blah. And they’ll start to say blah blah blah. And then you’re screwed because blah blah blah.
That’s the monsters talking. I can have a conversation with them. What I’ve learned in the meantime is that the shoulds are louder than the wants.
The life of an HSP (highly sensitive person).
Severe introvert alert!
Now combine that with extreme sensitivity to all sorts of things that don’t seem to bother most of the people I know. Can’t do crowds. Can’t do noise.
Oh, and I’m allergic to conference centers.
So obviously I could do what I did last year, and just not go to any of the actual events. Just hang out with the people I want to see. In increasingly smaller doses.
It’s just that even that was incredibly exhausting and overwhelming. And the recovery was hell.
Recovery time.
Calculating recovery time has become a big thing.
Even for stuff I really, really want to do.
Last year I needed about a week before I was able to come back to myself.
Worth it?
What is the real draw here?
Fun! Fun! Fun! Which is definitely a legitimate thing to care about.
Sharing a house last year with Pam and Naomi and Nathan was outrageously fun.
Just spending more time with Jeff would be reason enough to go again.
Except that it would be way more fun to fly to Arizona and visit him without all the craziness and the stress and the running around.
So what is fun for me?
Being with people I adore. Laughing. Coming up with crazy biggification ideas.
How am I going to get more of that?
The no-brainer solution.
This is Victoria’s thing. What would make this decision a no-brainer?
Well, if I went to SXSW, I’d need a week of scheduled Emergency Vacation afterwards. And I’d need to find a way to avoid all parties or really, groups of more than five or six people.
Or I could not go and have a week of scheduled NON-Emergency Vacation instead. Otherwise known as Strategic Pirate-ey Biggification Time!
And skip the recovery period because it will be its own recovery period.
And make plans to visit friends some other time.
The internal solution.
I’ve been taking Hiro‘s excellent Become Your Own Business Advisor course, and one of the things we’ve been learning to do is to work with symbols that represent what we’re working on.
And when I look at a symbol of SXSW and a symbol of me, I can’t get them to cozy up to each other.
Even when my brain has good arguments for why this would be a really good thing.
And even when I can get on board in every other way. My internal direction is still insisting that this is a big no.
So I’m not going.
I’m figuring out what kinds of things I might have gotten out of it.
If I can get some of them in other, better-for-me ways, yay. And if not, oh well.
And in the meantime, Selma and I are planning our Non-Emergency Vacation. We have useful criteria. And a lot more information than we used to about what we need to stay grounded.
We’re calling it JWNS (Just West No South) and we’ll be visiting beautiful places in Oregon.
Eating cheese. Scribbling madly in notebooks. Going to bed at nine.
And making new decisions. Based on things that are still so completely weird and foreign to me.
Like respecting my capacity. And not being impressed by shoulds.
And trusting that doing stuff that’s good for me is okay.
Follow
Cheese, in Oregon! 🙂 mmmm…tasty tasty
Since you said cheese, I’m assuming you’ll hit Tillamook. There – there’s the creamery (of course) for squeaky cheese (cheese curds) and all sorts of other yummy chedders and other tasty things.
And even better is the Blue Heron creamery near by, with really really good brie – smoked brie, herb brie, regular, plus wine selection room with tasty (mostly Oregon) wines and fruit wines and such.
Lots of tasty and lovely things to do here in Oregon. 🙂 But you know that, you live here too.
.-= Val´s last post … Hot Speckles glass coaster set =-.
I’m a pretty introverted person so I understand. And I’ve had mixed feelings about going to SXSW, so much so that, even though I’m sure I’m going, I haven’t bought my ticket yet.
Taking care of yourself: So important.
Yet, was so looking forward to seeing you as part of the SXSW excitement/incentive.
Sad. Very very sad. But have a wonderful time. You will feel the “thinking of you” vibrations all the way to Oregon!
Wow, Havi – thank you so much for sharing this post. I’ve spent the last couple years going to events and doing things that were “good for my business,” but as you expressed so beautifully, also ran utterly counter to my internal needs. I’m also allergic to crowds, noise, and convention halls, and wow – the recovery takes forever!
I love the idea of identifying the real benefits of these opportunities and looking for personally-healthier ways to get them.
Enjoy that Non-Emergency Vacation!
.-= Sister Diane´s last post … Why, yes, this IS still a craft blog… =-.
Respecting your capacity. Wow. This is so descriptive of how I need to be approaching my own life and commitments right now.
Thank you for putting that phrase out there.
Kudos to you for staying true to your decision making process, Havi, that is so awesome. I love that you figured in recovery time. So many people forget this. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, so I’ve learnt the hard way that I MUST calculate for recovery time. Doesn’t come easy though – the temptation is to ‘do, do and do some more’.
A motto I came up with last year was, “Is it useful? Is it fun?”. It’s helped so much. I can let go off a lot of ‘monster-thinking’ when I start firing that question at them. My monsters are easily distracted by the thought of balloons and party hats, so pointing out that something isn’t fun often persuades them.
.-= Kirsty Hall´s last post … Facing Our Art Fears =-.
The idea that a highly sensitive introvert should have different criteria for decision-making is useful – thank you. I’m also about as non-clannish a personality type as you can get. Conferences are not at all easy! It helps to be conscious of all this. So consider me helped.
.-= Cath´s last post … Coming out creative =-.
I just need to remind you….
I love ya. Selma, Havi.
That’s it. In a nutshell.
Love.
x
I think this is a fine way to make decisions.
It’s like the “Dammit List.” There are certain types of activities I just won’t do, dammit. Never mind how good (potentially) they might be for my biz, they suck the life out of me. (One-day art shows fall into this category for me. Way too strenuous.)
You can always go with what meets both criteria: good for your business AND good for you.
.-= Barbara J Carter´s last post … Santa Fe Painting: Christo Rey =-.
That’s fantastic, very proud. 😀
There are things I’m struggling with right now, deciding whether they are in my capacity or not.
It’s important to guard ourselves, especially when we put so much of ourselves into our work.
Also, how did I miss Hiro’s course! Do want!
You are wise in all things. Boy, do I get this.
I made a similar decision recently about a different conference. Would it have been good for me professionally? Absolutely. Would it have been good for me personally? Not so much, and not for my kids, either.
I worked in a corporate job for years, doing what was ‘right’ professionally and for the company. If my own tentative biggification ends up being the same thing over again, then what’s the point?
.-= Amber´s last post … Blogging Your Dreams =-.
Havi thank you. Inadequate but thank you.
I have been struggling with making decisions like this since I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia last year.
I totally get the monsters yelling at you and all the logical reasons why one would do something.
I continually push at the edges of capacity and haven’t been strong enough to give myself permission to function within my capacity without the burnout and recovery.
I’m taking baby steps to find out what works for me. I know they are baby steps but hey, it’s still progress.
I appreciate you sharing your decision process. I think I will be adopting it into my own.
Here is the beautiful implicit message in all this that I almost totally missed-and really need to hear.
When looking at the gap between ‘what is good for me’ and ‘what is good for my business’ you DIDN’T go to, “What does that mean about me? About my business?” You just look for ways to honor both.
Thanks for that.
totally get it, and will totally miss you AND selma. fond memories of our spontaneous meet-up at the wine bar.
xoxoxoxo
s.
.-= Sarah Vela´s last post … Give to Haiti =-.
Oh you guys are so wonderfully understanding. I so appreciate that.
@Barbara – exactly. I want the Dammit List to completely run my business. 🙂
@Sarah – ohmygosh that was the best evening! I will miss you too. So much. Kisses from Selma and I hope soon/somewhere I will get to see you in person again!
@Marie – me too! Super sad. I know my gentleman friend was really looking forward to hanging out with you again, as was I. Will miss you lots and wish for the next time to be SOOOOOON. Because I adore you.
@Val – mmmmmm cheese! CHEESE!
It’s nice that some things or events can act as signposts and help us notice changes we wouldn’t have noticed otherwise because it happened slowly over a long period. Those “oh, I am noticing that I had not noticed this, but wow, how fabulous it is that so much progress has happened” moments are pretty awesome! 🙂
.-= Josiane´s last post … A (huge!) shift in perspective =-.
I don’t know much about you or your duck, but I found you. I found you through Pam Slim. And I love this post. I look forward to the discovery.
Cheers to you.
Melissa
.-= Melissa Dutmers´s last post … Why Change Management Needs Design Thinking =-.
One more thing. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt better about being an introvert. Crowds, noise, energy magnified is overwhelming. Solitude is a place of peace for me – time to quiet the mind and listen.
Again,thanks.
.-= Melissa Dutmers´s last post … Why Change Management Needs Design Thinking =-.
I really wanted to go this year too. But, hubby and I talked about it and couldn’t find a way to do it with everything else we’ve got going on.
He was all, “But why do you REALLY want to go?”
And I was like, “Well, to meet people and hang out, duh.”
And then he was like, “But if it’s so important, can’t you just go visit them sometime then?”
Oh..
So yeah, we came to the same conclusion as you and tied in with the fact that I am so not a crowd person either kind of put a damper on it. Maybe next year though, maybe. 🙂
.-= Naomi Niles´s last post … Should Designers Specialize In One Industry? =-.
I will really miss seeing you! But yeah, SXSW, not so fun for the HSP. Just too damned much.
I’m splitting the difference this year, going but not getting a conf pass, and trying to just do some mellow hanging out.
@NaomiNiles, the only thing I’d add to that, as you’re thinking down the line about 2011, is that it actually is neat to be able to hang out with so many different really awesome people in one weekend. But if you’ve got tons of other stuff going on + crowd are hard, missing it this year sounds like a good call to me. 🙂
.-= Sonia Simone´s last post … How To Write For Regular Readers =-.
I’m with Jenizie. This is maybe my favorite post. Ever. Respecting my capacity as a highly sensitive person… such a better way to think about it than ‘balancing my energy’… which was the dissatisfying phrase that used to come into my head.
.-= Kate T.W.´s last post … Moonday Experiment– Unleashing Your Wild Creativity =-.
Havi, I’m so enjoying all of your posts, and this one was especially wonderful. There will be a tipping point of people realizing they don’t want to follow the crowd, and that’s when something much more organic, alive, and restorative will emerge in the way we do our gathering together and connecting. Thanks for leading the way. @mdyak
I love this! One of my favourite posts ever by you.
.-= Jennifer´s last post … Give me evidence =-.
Respecting capacity — yes, yes, this resonates with me very strongly right now! I’ve been saying no to a number of things these days, because my plate is already very full.
Oh, and recovery time is so important. I’ve learned to make room for it on a daily basis, giving myself as much space between clients and commitments as I can, along with plenty of transition time.
I tend to feel like such an oddball at conferences, because mostly I don’t go to see people; I go for the courses, workshops, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to see people, but big, loud, crowded environments aren’t usually the easiest times for me to connect with them anyway. That’s one reason I cherish the Internet — it’s such a great way for an introvert like me to network! (Ew, wait, did I use the N-word? To interact and connect and meet great new people and be myself with them, that’s what I mean.)
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … This probably shouldn’t surprise me… =-.
You have nailed it, Havi. At least for me. I just in the last five years have started respecting what my body and spirit are telling me. I, too am very sensitive to loud noises, to bright blinking things, even to smells. Sounds weird, but in my research on kids who have had near-death experiences (I almost drowned when I was 8), I discovered that all the senses are heightened and we can get on sensory overload very quickly. That was an amazing revelation for me because it explained a lot. I can even sense when a car in another lane is getting just like two inches too close and have actually helped my husband avoid an accident by calling out in time for him to swerve. (“I’m not always fun to live with.)
Add being naturally introverted and a writer by profession and, well, there you have it.
I am exhausted even after one evening networking event and if I stay overnight, I have a hard time sleeping because I am still seeing, hearing, feeling, processing things.
I love the courage and honesty you have displayed here.Your alternate trip sounds wonderful!
.-= Judy Dunn´s last post … How Do You Choose Which Blogs To Read?: ‘Good Content’ from Your Readers’ Eyes =-.
Oh, such a breath of fresh air! YES, doing what we have capacity to do is so much healthier than responding to the noisy “shoulds”. I’d love to go to SXSW this year, but don’t have the capacity, either. My “day” job, mommy requirements. My business and blog will soldier on.
Enjoy the cheese!
.-= Susan´s last post … New Business Models for Therapists =-.
Yay for making decisions that resonate! (:
I noticed that you seemed at capacity or overloaded a lot of the time last year. I hope you have a lovely JWNS!
Hmm… Maybe we could have a get-together of the Selma Fan Club at SXSW even without Selma or Havi… *gears turning*
.-= Pace´s last post … Your Imaginary Monkeysphere =-.
Ah the joys of being an introvert and highly sensitive. I feel similarly when I’m in big crowds of new people. If I psych myself up I can be outgoing and even enjoy meeting new people and being bubbly… but that is rare.
Not sure if it’s just a mental block or a disability I should embrace… I’ll keep plugging away.
It’s so refreshing to read about someone who isn’t so gung ho on being an extrovert.
Also, I have been known to do the Lindy Hop and Charelston in Ann Arbor from time to time. There’s going to be a Pirate Swing Workshop there this month even. ^_~
.-= Monique´s last post … Heart of Hearts, Intuition, Inner Bunny, and Subconscious =-.
As a fellow HSP, I have similar conversations with myself. The difference between yours and mine, however, are that you end yours on a positive note where as mine (heretofore) have not. This post hit me in a place that needed tapping, and I’m going to refer to it when I’m tempted to break out the etheric cat o’ nine tails again. I thank you.
What’s SXSW?
>ba-dum-bum<
My own decision-making process for sxsw was somewhat similar.
want want want want want want want. FOR ME.
should should should should should. For my BUSINESS.
Truth is, I started planning this. I thought about how I could cram it in to my life. There are so many people there I want to connect with in person.
I'm also going to NYC in May for an event that I'm going to need all my energy for in the days leading up, during, and after (recovery).
I had to choose. Well, no. I didn't actually *have* to choose. I could have done both.
I chose.
I choose sanity and less stress.
But I'm still going to miss all those awesome people.
Wait. Maybe I should…
I’m looking at a slightly different problem: how to support my IT clients better while spending more time at home with my family. It’s not about me at all, I’m not Highly Sensitive in the least. Hide of a rhinoceros.
Really? After reading this beautiful post, I’m not so sure.
Bring on the epiphanies.
Thank you for writing this post. I think what I love and appreciate most about it is that there’s a part of you that wants to go. I think you’ve made a fine decision…socializing with those you love and enjoy will more than likely be MUCH more enjoyable on your own terms.
I’ve been struggling with accepting that I can’t go to every event that comes down the pike (I’m the opposite of you and thrive on the socializing). No matter how much I’d love to socialize and learn and network and socialize, I just can’t swing it all right now.
I love that my husband finally saw the light that these sort of events are good for me and good for business. At the same time, he also reined me in…we’ve decided that I can go to one class/workshop/conference a quarter. Definitely makes it easier to figure out which one is THE one I want to attend.
You’ll have a blast on your non-emergency vacation! And just think, you might even enjoy it more!
.-= Katy´s last post … 10 Ways Twitter Can Help Your Business =-.
I have the international flights from the UK booked, the hotels booked, the ridiculously expensive internal flights booked & the ticket bought…but have now decided not to go.
My husband & I have been debating whether to go or not for the past few weeks and having read your post, something stuck in my mind. We finally made the decision not to go as a family last night – which is so totally the right one to make for us as a family, especially our 8 month old (who does travel with us – we’re nomadic). But instead I get to send the husband so we/the business don’t miss out totally.
I am not a naturally sociable person, hate crowds & noise and can’t tell you how relieved I feel now that I’m not going.
Thanks for this post & the additional nudge in the “right” direction, Havi 🙂
“Capacity” is a good word for it.
.-= Sonicsuns´s last post … Unconventional Moments =-.
I am a late comer to this post, but just want to thank you SOO MUCH for sharing your process!! I can totally relate to the back and forth you describe about making decisions. It’s perfect. you are fabulous!
.-= Sherry´s last post … More fathers on Fathers’ day =-.