Observation number one:
Having a moth fly into your ear and not be able to get out is quite unpleasant.
Observation number two:
But what’s so much more unpleasant is not knowing that it’s a moth and thinking you have gone crazy.
Completely and irrevocably.
Crazy? Oh, yes. There’s no way back now.
It’s very late at night. Dark.
There is this frantic whirring and whooshing in what feels like the center of your head. But you’re the one who is frantic.
It starts and stops. It’s like having running water in your ear and cabin pressure at the same time but you’re in bed and anyway, there’s nothing in your ear but your ear.
You wonder for a moment if it’s possible for a hundred bats or thousand butterflies to be trapped inside of you… and then deciding that this is extremely unlikely, you jump to the next obvious conclusion.
You’ve finally fallen off the edge. Obviously.
Observation number three:
My triggers are not your triggers.
While I am preemptively mourning the loss of my sanity and preparing for a new life in which there will always be this awful, terrifying sound in my head, my gentleman friend is being shockingly sensible.
In fact, he’s going all scientific method on my ear.
Investigating with a flashlight: nothing seems to be there. A tentative q-tip search: nothing seems to be there.
Flushing out the ear with water at first yields nothing. But then there is a weird, uncomfortable, squooshy sort of sensation. And then there is a moth in the sink. Tiny and practically invisible. Poor little moth.
My trigger: something happens that I do not understand.
Therefore (says my fear), I must be crazy.
My gentleman friend’s trigger: something happens that he is trying to understand.
Therefore (says his fear) it’s probably something understandable. And horrifying. Like what if it’s Tinnitus? What if it’s a bizarre neurological disorder and he’ll lose me forever to ear-weirdness?
He is not even slightly worried about me being or going crazy. I love him.
Observation number four:
My stucknesses are not your stucknesses. My past is not your past.
My fear of the crazy has to do in no small part with the fact that my family fears the crazy and spent many years teaching me — both directly and indirectly — to always be on your guard so you can catch it when it happens.
My gentleman friend’s past has taught him that unexpected things happen and that you can lose people you love.
We got fogged over by our stuff. We are covered by our stories.
Observation number five:
Knowing what your stuff is like and what it says about you is useful.
The way I see it, the more I know about my monsters and my walls, the easier it is to remember that oh yeah, that’s my stuff again.
Because even if you don’t catch it right when you get triggered, eventually you remember that none of this is real.
My gentleman friend and I have had a few years now to practice separating it all out. We’re a lot better now than we used to be at stopping and saying hey wait a minute!
Actually it’s more like this:
“Whoops. That’s my stuff. Looks like it just set off your stuff. Okay. Mine. Yours. Mine. Yours. Yup. We’re cool.”
Ah, yes. As Tigger might say … freaking you out is what triggers do best!
Observation number six:
I feel better now.
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*giant empathetic hugs*
Mine was a spider. I still feel like an urban legend sometimes!
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Mine was a beetle that held on to my eardrum instead of getting flushed out like a sensible little beetle.
When I was 7. *shudder*
Glad you’re feeling better now.
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So glad you’re feeling better!
Interesting how fast our triggers can make us jump to the “obvious” conclusion when they are pulled…
As I was reading and noticing how much care you took to make clear that your triggers aren’t our triggers, my first thought was that maybe it was a way to tell some of us (uh, me) that we may sometimes be identifying a bit too closely with the specifics of your stories instead of focusing on the general processes. And then I realised that no, there was of course something more general going on. Hm. I guess I’ve just learned a little more about one of my triggers. (Time to make “it’s not about me” my new mantra?) 🙂
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Havi, it’s so wonderful that we can be covered by our stories one moment, and stand up out of them the next. Like kids playing in the ocean . . . 🙂
Lovely, too, that your gentleman friend and you can talk about your stories, and together discover new ones that are fresher, more creative and just plain more fun to live in.
Big hugs and much love,
Hiro
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Havi,
It’s so true that we all have different pasts and different stucknesses which make certain things seem either obvious beyond belief or completely outside the realm of possibility.
What I find so fascinating is the way that sometimes these differences make for the biggest arguments, hurt feelings and misunderstandings, and sometimes they are exactly what we need to show us the limitations of our own boxes.
Thanks for the reminder that when I think to myself, “What the (*$& could they possibly be thinking??” that maybe I should actually give that question some consideration.
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@Amy + Justin – ew ew ew! You guys win! Beetle = ugh. And I don’t think I want a spider in there either. Though I bet the moth was noisier. Man, that was loud.
Anyway, full commiseration. *shudders*
@Liz – you are so right. I really do think that the biggest blow-outs are really very often misunderstandings where even one word or concept is being given completely different interpretations. And then through the fog of your stuff and their stuff it just gets impossible to sort out.
That’s a useful point. Thanks for that!
@Josiane – interesting! I wasn’t actually (at least not consciously) planting a hint, but I see now how it could be read like that too. Nice sorting through your own process by reading … very very cool. 🙂
@Hiro – LOVE LOVE LOVE to you, my sweet.
I had a bunch of little teeny tiny little bugs in both of my ears and in my hair when we went blueberry picking in the UP when I was 6. Don’t ever want to go through that again. Oh no. No no no no no. Bugs in ears = bad.
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I would love to leave an insightful comment, but all I can think about at the moment is earfuls of bugs.
Eeeeeeeeeek!
You can’t see me, but I am doing my squirmy heebie jeebie dance right now.
So I can totally imagine how scary that would have been. Glad you were able to get that little guy out of there!
Victoria Brouhards last blog post..What’s Happening, Hot Stuff?
While this post gave me a wee chuckle of recognition it also reminds me of a significant relationship where we not only had to juggle our respective baggage, but now can see that we also kept setting off each other’s triggers. What continues to astonish me is that while we are now friends rather than partners, and it is some 25 years later, we still set off almost the same triggers when we visit each other. Triggers clearly have serious staying power!
The creepy crawlies part I can relate to as well, mine were crickets in my hair, at night while I was in bed. Eeewwww.
Hello,
I’m new to this stuckedness thing. Correction, I’m new to getting unstuck, very familiar w/being stuck. Pam Slim recommended your blog to me – loving it! The moth sounds aweful, but a great example of how we weave our stories and make everything about us. Me me me. Well I suppose that’s really our stuff solidifying itself.
Thanks for sharing.
Carrie Tallmans last blog post..Leading Your Life
I’m glad your gentleman friend was there to give you another perspective…and to get it outta there. I too would have gone down the road of crazy. Now that I’ve thought about your post a bit I guess I could train myself to think of other possibilities than the first one or two that pop into my mind.
Thanks for the post; I enjoyed it.
I really do appreciate that this post is about something bigger and deeper than bugs-in-the-ears, but my immediate response to it (and the first two comments) is to wonder where I can get earmuffs at this time of year? And how weird will it seem to my husband when I start wearing them to bed each night.
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OK, this is why I will be wearing my iPod earbuds to bed tonight. But meanwhile, I know I have triggers, random irrational Aspie triggers, and he has his triggers too, all well-earned from childhood. Oftentimes I am lucidly aware of said triggers and yet…*pow*! Powerless to avoid setting them off, mine or his. But the clean-up is much quicker with cognizance. I agree, it’s better to be aware. But discovered today I don’t want to know about bugs in ears. Nope. I am so fine with not being aware of that.
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@Wendy – earmuffs in bed! LOVE it. If you figure out what to say to your husband, let me know. I’ll want to use that too.
@Elly – wow, that’s quite a story. And now I have to do @Victoria’s squirmy heebie jeebie dance. Crickets! In your hair!
@Carrie & Liz & Laurie – yeah. I like how you’re looking at it. Triggers triggers triggers. It’s like collecting information, but sometimes it’s so completely information that you just really did not want to know at all. 🙂
@Riin – whoah, I *also* went blueberry picking in the UP when I was six. Except I don’t remember the bugs. Have probably repressed them completely. Oh boy.
Um, ick. I’ve had bugs get in my ear before — this totally brought back the sense memory — but have apparently completely repressed the occasion(s).
This serendipity thing is getting odder and odder — my husband and I are right in the early stages of yet another round of “what’s your stuff/what’s my stuff?”
And fair warning–I’m totally stealing your Tigger paraphrase.
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OMG you guys have all had bugs inside your ears! Aargh! Clearly what this means is that I need to ramp up my phobia of insects.
It’s the only rational thing to do.
Very nice post, very nice. Glad I still follow your blog. From the heart, truth extended to humanity. So many good observations. Well, six I guess, ;).
Peace.
@vinylart
Daniel Edlens last blog post..Can You Dig It?
I love that your gentlemen friend loves you so much that the thought that you’re crazy is the furthest thing from his mind.
And I love that you’re so assured of something being in your ear that you don’t dismiss yourself as being nuts.
I’m glad the moth is out – I’m glad it’s not something else. But, most of all – I’m glad that you’re here to reflect on this and share it with us.
You’re work is life changing, Havi – really! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
xoxo
Char
Know what you mean about the fear of being crazy. When I’m feeling insecure, scared, irrational, depressed, etc. I always skip right to the ‘I’m going crazy, this is the edge and I’m going over it’ assumption because my family taught me that that was a real possibility that I needed to constantly protect myself against.
Like many of your commenters, bugs in the ears elicits a definite eek response.
E-hug!
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