Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my Sunday ritual for clarity and remembering and stuff like that. Yay, ritual!
Let us dooo eeeet.
Thing 1: Making what I don’t want considerably more fun.
Here’s what I want:
So. Several weeks ago I asked for suggestions for places to stay in Austin in March, so I could attempt being-at-SXSW-again, but still avoid the actual conference and just about all of the people.
Because I’m charmingly anti-social that way. And my readers came up with all sorts of lovely options for me (thank you!).
And I noticed I was actually feeling extremely relieved when it turned out that all of these were already booked.
The truth is, I did not really love being there two years ago, though parts of it were fabulous. And then last year we experimented with JWNS (just west no south). Which was kind of good and kind of not.
Anyway, time to cook up an alternative plan that I can actually look forward to.
Ways this could work:
Oh, so many options.
I could go somewhere that I would actually like to be.
Like Monterey.
And hibernate. Or hold an event of my own. Or go on Pirate Queen Non-Emergency Vacation. Or do business strategizing, except call it something more fun.
I could also stay in PDX and throw a non-conference of beer and biggification.
Or do what I did last year and visit my wonderful uncle in the woods and drink tea and nap and read.
My commitment.
To make some sort of plan so that I don’t just end up doing nothing.
To have fun with this.
To be willing to be surprised.
Thing 2: Order and sequencing.
Here’s what I want:
Having not done any work at all for two weeks, I am not especially looking forward to the first Drunk Pirate Council of Doom.
I mean, I am, because I have missed drunk-pirate-council-ing. But I am feeling a bit apprehensive about the sheer number of things that need my attention.
It would be so wonderful to have some ease with order and sequencing. For the different pieces to sort themselves out and fall into place.
Yes, please.
Ways this could work:
Process the process.
Take notes.
Ask for help.
One thing at a time.
Breathe breathe breathe breathe.
Also, I need to remember to tell you guys again about the Great Ducking Out and how there are two spots left. Yes?
My commitment.
To notice what isn’t working.
To practice patience with my inability to be patient.
To learn from the hard and appreciate the good.
Thing 3: Ease-filled readjustment.
Here’s what I want:
To find my way back to my routines.
To take it slow.
To give myself more time than I think I need.
To bring spaciousness into my week and to every possible aspect of my day.
Ways this could work:
It just could.
I could surprise myself.
My commitment.
I will wear my invisible crown and my extremely visible red sovereignty boots. And be sparkly.
And walk. And be in the garden.
And to experiment.
Thing 4: Progress on a project
Here’s what I want:
As always, I came out of this week of teaching with a giant idea for a thing that is wonderful.
And it needs some time, affection, love, writing.
I do not know when this might happen.
Ways this could work:
Me and a journal and a pot of tea.
My commitment.
To make time for this.
To remember how important it is to give your new tiny, sweet thing some space.
To remember how this happened after the Destuckification Retreat last January, and how what came from that was the Playground, so giving these ideas time and love is such a big deal.
And worth it. So just do it.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Let’s see. I wanted rhythm, routine, ritual. And it kind of worked.
My days started to make more sense. I was less exhausted. More focused.
Then I wanted help figuring out the test that is not a test, and I had a Brilliant Idea. No progress on it, but that’s my new project.
I wanted time for writing, typing and sleeping. And, amazingly, it happened.
Normally I need several weeks after teaching an event to type up all my notes. This time I managed to give it an hour or two each morning. All done! All done!
And the last ask was for trust and faith, and I got it in spades. Thank you, me from last week. That was exactly the right thing to ask for, and the results were intense.
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
What I’d rather not have:
- The word “manifest”.
- To be told how I should be asking for things.
- To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given advices.
Wishing love and good things for your Very Personal Ads! So glad for everyone doing this with me.
Follow
For various reason next week won’t allow me the space for the routines have been setting up to feel at ease during my very full-on days at work.
So I am asking for energy and ease despite the lack of this space.
And I am asking for a focus on my relationship during my husband’s visit this week despite work madness.
I am also asking for decent amounts of good sleep because I have at least three days that are extremely packed and long.
How this can work:
I can still make space, even if it is the tiniest of all spaces.
I can walk to work. This will give me time and space to breathe and think.
My committment:
Do the above and not forget the word “no” if I feel certain things may becoming to much.
And I have a VPA for someone else:
I am asking for a decision on Tuesday to be taken in favour of this person. I am also asking for a very good healing progress for this person. There is not much I can do about both but I will send lots of good thoughts and energy and visualize both happening.
The ask: the something to keep going. Just keep going, because Thing after Thing after Thing is piling up, things that would have been done weeks ago if not for x, y, z… q… zzz… etc.
Ways this could work: I could be very conscious of what I am doing and that there is more to do and that life does not just stop.
I could make the “aaaahhhh, relaxation time!!” impulse go away with small rewards after each Thing.
I could remember that the Things that are making Things hard will recede gracefully into the background if I just get these other Things done(!!). That every step is to bring more ease to my doings.
I could keep an open mind and say “yes” to help.
My commitment: To stay with it. To not throw Things down in anger. To keep this from becoming part of the big tangled ball of “stuff I need to do!!!”
To get dressed soon. đŸ˜›
Here’s what I want: To be working on my dissertation proposal in my journal, handwriting sections that will be typed up and edited at my computer later. To be able to work on this in an easy, natural, comfortable, and portable way, using the journal-and-pen method that gives me such deep satisfaction.
How this can happen: I can print out a copy of the proposal-in-progress, then hand-copy portions into my journal, use them as writing prompts. I can let myself freewrite at first, then begin playing with increasingly structured sentences, paragraphs, outlines (treasure maps?) which then get…illuminated? Why not?
My commitment: To begin playing with this idea right now. Lazy Sunday scholarly writing? Why not, indeed? Also, I strongly suspect that all those “What if the things you think you know are wrong?” kinds of questions will be very helpful to me as I seek new systems that will help me.
Taking my project off to snuggle with me in a cozy corner now, raising my cup of chai in salute to all of you, and wishing you well!
Oh my goodness, I’m in a bit of a jam with a project at work. Too many things have been heaped upon my plate this semester and this project keeps getting pushed aside. Now the day of reckoning is nearly upon me and I’m ready to have a meltdown.
Here’s what I want: large chunks of time free of interruptions so that I can focus on doing the last of the statistical analysis so that I can get a draft of the report out by the end of the month.
How this can happen: I can take some time off from managing the off-site center this coming week. I don’t have any interns to manage until the following week so the timing is good. I can keep my email reader CLOSED while I’m working on these statistics since email these days seems to consist of yet more unscheduled, but high-priority work. I can hide away at my secret office where no one can find me – I have a work laptop that has all the tools I need on it to do the statistics. Laptop = portable = brilliant idea! (yes, being sarcastic with myself) I can get serious about prioritizing my todo list and push off anything possible that could wait until December.
My commitment: To use all the tools I have to manage my meltdown: emailing a very supportive friend, having a talk with the boss, petting my kitties morning and night, hugs from the husband, soothing music, daily gentle exercise, healthier food choices.
What I want (OK, *need*) is for this moving thing to work out. I have a possible chance to move in the new year from an awful living situation to one that could actually be good for me.
Right now, there isn’t all that much I can do – I’m in a hurry up and wait. So I need to learn to make peace with that.
I also need to start organising my belongings – but in a way that doesn’t completely exhaust me.
And I need to be OK with the idea that good things might happen to me.
Goodness, it’s been a while since I actually came and wrote down a VPA, instead of just thinking about it.
The situation:
I’m way, way – like, several years – behind on my taxes. I don’t owe anything, because I haven’t made enough money since I came off PAYE (Ireland – don’t worry about it). But they need to be done.
Here’s what I want:
(1) A friendly, intelligent, respectful, likeable tax person – working in Ireland, in case you know someone fitting that description – who will shepherd me through this morass of stuck and teach me how to keep track in future.
(2) The resources to pay this person to bring my taxes up to date by the end of 2010.
Ways this could work:
(1)
I might overcome my embarrassment about the last time I asked for recommendations (I met with someone but never took it further), ask again, and find the perfect person.
I might find the wherewithal to tackle this mountain myself.
(2)
People might buy my stuff. (At the moment, there aren’t too many opportunities to do that, but I’ll be launching a few more things very soon.)
People might hire me to do stuff for them.
I might tackle enough of the mountain myself to make the remaining molehill much more of an affordable job.
(*) Also! Willing to be surprised on this.
My commitment:
I will stop avoiding this thing.
I will bring it into the “active” sphere.
I will be kind to myself about it.
Harrooooo! (That, for some reason, was the Tax Wolf. I didn’t know I had one of those.)
Argh, I love this because it makes me focus on what specific needs I currently have. Yes, I really really need a car and a healthier body, but that’s more about long-term strategy (or, perhaps, winning the lottery. Which I should actually play, in that case…). OKAY!
What I want:
My writing muse to return to me. I miss writing fiction, but I can’t seem to do it. At. All. It’s not just frustrating, it’s depressing.
How this can happen:
I need to clean out the cobwebs in my brain of anger and bitterness that are holding my hands captive over the keyboard. Long story, but yes: It’s all about the trapped emotions blocking the door.
My commitment:
Face my fears, and acknowledge my anger – address it, talk to it, listen to it, whatever. This is critical and I’ve been avoiding it for…oh, forever. Argh.
Welcome back to Portland!
My asks:
a) Protection and trust. Just revealed something to someone (can I *be* more vague??) and am now feeling super vulnerable.
b) I’d love to have a couple more people find out about and register for my Holiday Madness workshop.
My commitments:
a) invoke the qualities of trust, protection (and surrender!) in meditation. Plus writing, shiva nata and interacting with that part of me that feels so vulnerable and unprotected.
b) put up an events link on my website.
-let people know the date just changed.
-enlist the help of people who have taken classes with me and loved them.
Thanks and Happy VPA’ing to all!
Hmmm.
What I want:
1. To be magically transported to the heavenly 4pm yoga class. Ways this could work: I could get my butt in gear and drive there. My commitment. To go upstairs and put on yoga clothes after I finish typing this.
2. Love. Man companionship. Mutual adoration. Snuggles. Love notes. Giddiness. In a big swirly soup of goodness. Ways this could work: the Universe could plop this person in front of me as I go about doing the things I love and I could notice this person and we could notice each other and somehow start speaking to each other and then go from there. My commitment: To take care of myself and do things that make me happy and feel good and to try to notice if eligible bachelors are being plopped near me.
3. Clients. The awesome kind who need and want me and pay me money to do things I’m good at and enjoy. Ways this could happen: um, they could notice all the things I’ve been doing or hear about me from someone and call me and hire me. Note: People who hate their families and should really be calling a therapist should not call me. I can’t and won’t help you and I think you are sad. My commitment: to continue to tweak my message so that the right people find me, not the ones seeking vengeance. To work on all the things that I know lead to client. To take good care of my current clients.
4. Money. Enough money to get me happily through November, December and January – happily, easily, profitably, enjoyably through those months. Ways this could happen: people send me checks. or bring them to me. or someone surprises me with a bit of money. My commitment: to remain open to all possibilities.
Hmm. I’d like to improve my return on investment.
How? Not entirely sure. Experimenting will be involved.
Commitment: a willingness to try things and notice their results (or non results). To devote time to it.
Ask #2: getting past a fear-based thing would be good.
Sort of addressed step one last week but ended up with the relief of taking an action coupled with new reasons to stop, thereby not actually resolving anything.
Suspect this is not a 1 week long ask. For now perhaps I’ll work on finding circuitous routes to the endgame. Perhaps some of those easier paths will yield new information.
Or perhaps I’ll work through the fears so it won’t feel like such a big deal.
So, this is my first time VPA-ing out loud on here. Many, many things I want and need…and, sometimes, a growing sense of desperation and panic about it all. So. Let us begin, then.
Here’s what I want: Clarity on what the best migration option is for me next year, which also entails clarity on whether to primarily work or study next year. Should I use my one remaining year of youth visa reciprocal qualification to gallivant around France, Turkey and Finland? Get serious and study my Masters in Canada? Somehow – by an almost miracle, now that the non-EU immigration laws have been tightened up – manage to stay in the UK? Should I work? Should I study? On a student visa? How will I manage on the 20 hours a week of work one is allowed on a student visa?
Ways this could work: I am at rather a loss with this part right now. Um, I could dream the answer. I could do even more reading and thinking and research that will somehow make sense and be clear instead of just tangling me up more. I could choose some of those European options as holiday destinations rather than places to live and work next year.
My commitment
To meditate on it. To journal about it, or write morning pages about it at least once this week. And – if my excitedly-awaited Dance of Shiva DVD arrives this week – to do some Dance of Shiva on it.
Here’s what I want:
Money, basically. Scraping along on part-time teaching hours right now is super hard. And I am unsure as to where December/January’s money will come from when the College goes into winter recess for a few weeks.
Ways this could work:
I could get a contracting job starting in January for a few months. I could get some extra hours doing admin-type stuff on my non-teaching days. I could try dog-walking. I could let people know I’m looking for casual temp work for the next month or so to top up my teaching income.
My commitment:
To call the IT recruitment agency I spoke to a few months back and start ‘building a relationship’ (as much as I dislike that term!) to help with the search for contracting work come Jan. To finish the proofreading work I’m doing right now and submit invoices.
Here’s what I want:
To develop some preliminary plans for my amazing and ethical business idea (tiny, sweet thing), and get clarity on how best to approach it (do it as a Masters? Just start without the support of an institution? Get some help from local business agencies to get it off the ground?)
Ways this could work:
I could make some notes. I could look at products & services in a similar marketspace.
My commitment:
To put up a Magic Whiteboard with the preliminary notes I made to keep me reminded of this. Meditate and (possibly) do dance of shiva on it. To make some notes this week to brainstorm the possibilities. Use Wishcraft to get some ideas on how to progress it in reality.
Very Personal Ad #12
Update on last week!:
Thing 1 was rest and relaxation. That wanted to happen. It tried its hardest. Alas, really only got about half of both.
Thing 2 was grounding and solidifying. Got some of that, too. Some stuff slipped and went wonky. Some things didn’t work at all. But some other things did, and that was wonderful.
What I got unintentionally from all this was a much stronger relationship with my partner. A lot of stuff was gotten through. Happiness and hope were found. Hallelujah~
So, this week!
Thing 1: Perspective
What I would like: Success with this new way of looking at things.
I read Havi’s article about thinking of the world as a video game, but it didn’t really work. At /east, not until I started thinking of it as a specific one: World of Warcraft. I was a long-time gamer back in what should have been my college years. It was easy to make the jump over. Harder to make a functional model, but that went well, too. So now, I’m hoping this new perspective will be of the clearing of things, and will be most successful.
Ways this could happen: I could not jump ship if things don’t look like they fit and stick with it instead.
Much talking to the male-person.
Much in the way of forward thinking.
The designers could nicely fix all of the glitches this thing brings on.
My commitment: To talk.
To therapy.
To show self and male-person love.
A big hooray for everything that worked itself out đŸ™‚
Update – Previous VPA
I survived monday as the teacher cancelled due to bad weather. I drank fizzy drinks to keep me awake.
My presentation. Well. it’s over. It was basically as bad as possible; but i survived and did one bit well.
Today’s Ask:
Thing 1: Completion.
Here’s what I want:
I need to get about 10/15 things crossed off my list this week. However, I spent so much of the last two weeks in this funk; I want an easy transition and to get it done with space and time.
But no loose ends, pretty please.
Ways this could work:
Routine – light candles, buy more incense,
Switch off – real “reward” time to motivate.
Deep breaths.
Many cups of of tea.
My commitment.
To light candles and incense.
To eat healthily.
To drink lots of tea đŸ™‚
To get three items completed by Wednesday night’s gig.
Good luck and lots of love to everyone đŸ™‚
VPA #1 (at least, out loud)
So, I have a beastly editorial project (yay for the money, but oy, is it beastly) and my own writing to tend to. Transitions are hard these days–it seems like my mind is s.l.o.w.–and I find it hard to focus, especially on my own writing.
What I want:
–ease in making the transitions between my own writing and the beastly editorial project.
–to move my own writing up into the spotlight.
How that could work:
–taking time to gather my thoughts when I begin and end any stage of the editing and writing projects.
–taking time to do some yoga and to go for a walk. Both have head-clearing properties.
–doing some journaling on my own writing, to allow the stray thoughts a soft place to land.
–trusting that the beastly editorial project will get done on time.
My commitment:
–brief meditations for the beginnings and endings
–daily walks and yoga sessions
–getting a big artists’ journal. I need lots of white space!
–remind myself that I’ve never yet missed a deadline…and breathe deeply when I do so!
hurray for vpa Sunday
what I want:
-space for my routines again now that house is empty
-enjoyment in planning for the holidays
-firmness so that I only agree to things that fit this week
-patience with myself in ..oh everything
ways to make this work:
-active enjoyment of delightful stuff
-a small bit [ow shoulders] of shiva nata every morning
-finding stuff to laugh at
-remembering sometimes it’s just pms
my commitment:
-sleep
-not rushing
-noticing and forgiving the fact that pattern is *still* here
-to be comfortable with not even remembering my last vpa
Best vibes to all the vpas and an easy week!
Woo-HOO! VPA Dday!
Update: Wanting equanimity over a tricky situation in which my family would be uprooted. Mostly able to think and talk about it without dissolving into tears and/or resentment.
This week: Hoping the small goes big. Two VPAs here.
Numero Uno
I want to find a way to love doing the dishes. At home with three great boys, I feel like I’m either cooking or washing dishes all damn day. Right now, it feels unending and unrewarding. I want to find a way to Metaphor Mouse this task to make it a respite, a way to make my house beautiful.
Ways this could work:
Seeing results instead of a stack of dishes. Playing nourishing music while I wash. Seeing myself as an agent of love and order in my house. (Need a good name for that.)
My commitment:
Spending 15 minutes after every meal to clean up so the dishes don’t stack up.
Remembering to plan that 15 minutes into our day, so I’m not dumping and running to the next thing.
Dos.
I want to gently tend my tiny, sweet thing. I’m scared and worried that my pattern of throwing myself at a project and then backing off when results don’t happen pronto will happen again.
Ways to make this work:
Give this thing time each day, even 15 minutes to read, write and consider.
Take my preliminary call with a coach seriously. And good-naturedly.
My commitment:
The 15 minute thing.
Self care.
All the best with the Drunk Pirate Council, Havi. Hope you can drop the “doom” part and tack on “frivolity!” Nah. Not pirate-y enough.
Loved your note about the flip chart at your conference! I’m looking for gentle alternatives to those defensive, call-to-arms moments, and it really helped to hear your experience. Thanks.
So I have been one of Havi’s beloved lurkers up until now and while I have loved reading her blogs and everyone’s comments I think this week I really need a VPA
What I want: I am finding work extremely difficult at the moment. In particular, I want to get out of the negative funk I am, find small pieces of my job that I enjoy again and get through the next 10 weeks until my wedding
ways to make this work:
* Look after myself – ensure I go to the gym, and don’t eat the chips for lunch like I did today
* Walk my bear (I have a Bernese Mountain Dog that we call our bear)
* Find some positives
* Carve out some time to remember why I got into this industry
* Be patient and remember that this is a phase and it too will pass
* Ask for suggestions from others and be open to their ideas
My commitment:
* To take it one minute, one hour or one day at a time.
* If the first thing doesn’t work to try something else
Keeping my fingers crossed……………….
I really loved @Kylie’s VPA last week about magic, as I desire some myself.
So yes, magic. I suspect my life is full of magic; I would like to notice it and to continue to draw more in.
How this could work: Truthfully, I have no idea, but I suspect that it requires more slowing-down and reflection than my life currently includes.
My commitment: To remain open. To continue to look for the right morning and evening rituals. To go back to my habit of reflecting on the good of the day while I fall asleep.
Sending love for everyone’s VPAs!
progress on last week’s VPA
Earrings! Found them through following a link from the comments – yay commenter mice. There are some talented folks on this blog.
Wants:
More energy for getting through the dark cold days. My body already hurts and I feel myself craving more “cave time” than I seem to have. Ugh. Don’t want to push but can’t figure out how else to go about it.
How this could happen:
I could accept my lower energy and stop judging it.Now there’s an idea.
I could do a different kind of yoga or trust that my practice will give me what I need if I stop expecting something.
I could buy those earrings.
I could take a day off from work.
Commitments:
To recognize that this is seasonal thing for me and not some deficit in my being.And be NICER to myself about it.
To practice identifying and then receiving nurturing from the season
For the last three years I have been faced with Courseworks – GAH! followed by extreme reactions of “I-HATE-coursework!-don’t-make-me-do-it” temper tantrums, followed by much INOWANNA WAAAAH and sweetie eating.
Now I am in my penultimate year of this and I am thinking that perhaps it is time for a systems change. I have many courseworks to get done and good results are required. This means that there is simply no option for the above to continue and I must change my ways.
So I realise that much of the resistance is down to Not Knowing how to do courseworks and having no methodology that I can comfortably say will guarantee results.
I need such a method to make itself known. One which is specific to me, based on smart tips, known results generators and fun/ ease.
I will spend time with this because it is an absolute priority. I will look at the aspects of it which are most threatening first and find a way around them which is fun and effective and from there move on to the rest of the Stuff.
I will give this time and space to develop into something that works for me and remember it is a little baby thing which needs love and compassion.
Some magic will help too :o)
A day late, but progress to report. I asked several weeks ago for a fabulous show assistant, someone who could help me out for a few hours at my big shows and help me deal with the crunchy times. After much mulling and list making, it finally dawned on me to ask someone so obviously the right choice that I wonder* why it took so long to figure it out. And I asked her last evening, and she was delighted to do it. So now I will have some help for the one show I was really worried about, and we’ll play the others by ear.
*I really don’t wonder much, because the last few shows have been so slow and so low in sales (for everyone I’ve talked to) that having an assistant would have put me in a hole. So the dithering probably worked out for the best.
What I want:
The internship at CollegeInvest that I interviewed for last week. It’s in the Finance Education Department and it’s basically the job that I’ve always wanted but couldn’t figure out how to get someone to pay me to do. đŸ˜€
Ways to make this work:
I already had one interview, during which the wonderful woman who interviewed me said that my passion for the subject really shone through. I’m not sure what else I can do to make it happen but be read when she calls me back to tell me she’d like me to come in for another interview.
My commitment:
To be my unique, interesting self.
To not call the company five times a day to figure out if they want to hire me.
To bring passion and purpose to the job every day if (when? when!) I am offered it.