Third post in a short series …
The very, very short introduction:
- I find most self-help-ey books to be pretty insipid. At best.
- But I adore Wishcraft by Barbara Sher.
- You can download the ebook version at no cost on her website if you like.
- If you do, you’ll want to print it out so you can scribble all over it. Personally, I’d say: buy the book. Totally worth it.
- My duck and I are going through Barbara’s wacky exercises and sharing that process with you, so this is a pretty atypical blog post, but what the hell.
So far we’ve done the Five Lives exercise and the color exercise, both of which were pretty cool. You can read the comments on those for people’s beautiful (and surprising) results.
Anyway, here’s the next one.
It’s a big one.
One of my favorite exercises in the book centers on Barbara’s concept of the Ideal Family.
Barbara writes beautifully about something I have strong opinions on: the wonderful, crazy power of having someone to believe in you.
Learning how to be that person for yourself is a huge part of the destuckification process. But it’s a lot easier to remember what that feels like when you’ve had someone around to model it for you.
Barbara points out that if you’re, you know, alive, you probably didn’t grow up in an “ideal” environment.
And she defines an ideal environment as (among other things) one …
“… in which you were:
- given real help and encouragement in finding out what you wanted to do and how to do it …
- allowed to complain when the going got rough, and given sympathy instead of being told to quit …
- bailed out when you got in over your head — without reproach…”
There’s more of that kind of mind-boggling craziness in the book, but you get the point. And the point is that no, most of us don’t get to experience that.
And we need to learn to create that experience for ourselves. That’s why she has us come up with this thing called the Ideal Family.
Barbara Sher’s smart question*:
It’s actually pretty revolutionary, even though it took me a while to see it.
“It’s time to start admitting that your positive qualities really do belong to you. Like every human being, you need positive feedback from someone who’s on your side before it becomes safe to feel openly good about yourself.
“You can create an imaginary ideal family to be your private cheering section. They will tell you all the good things about you that you really know — but aren’t allowed to tell yourself!
“Take a few minutes now to think of the four or five people you would choose if you could have anyone in the world — anyone in all history and literature — as your ideal family.
“Now close your eyes and imagine that you are one of those people, and you are watching yourself come through the door. Write down all the positive qualities you see.”
*And no, I’m not the world’s biggest plagiarizing asshat for giving away her content. She lets you download the entire book for free.
The weird part.
This was another one of those exercises where I was all, yeah yeah I get it. And then when I actually did it, whoah. It blew me away with fabulousness. Tears in my eyes.
But I’d totally thought it was just going to be one of those shallow feel-good self-help-ey things. I didn’t realize it was going to go deep.
I’ll also add that this exercise fit in really well with the theme of sovereignty that I’ve been working with.
(Sovereignty in this context means: you being in charge of your body, your space, your stuff, your feelings because you are the queen of your queendom or the king of your kingdom).
Because owning your positive qualities and feeling safe being allowed to have them is a terrific expression of sovereignty.
And the big thing is that you’re only writing positive qualities. As Barbara says, “you don’t need to hear all the negative stuff for the umpteenth time”. Swoon.
Okay. My Ideal Family.
- Shiva
- Suzette Haden Elgin
- Malcolm Gladwell
- Audrey Hepburn
- Barbara Pym
- Athena
A very brain-centric list, really. Three writers, the goddess of wisdom, and — of course, let’s not forget the god of deconstruction and taking stuff apart. Who is also, interestingly, lord of the dance.
I’m not completely sure how Audrey fits in with the rest of them, but I do know that she absolutely had to be there.
(My gentleman friend chose Sam Clemens, Benjamin Franklin, Stephen J. Gould, Katherine Hepburn, Erich Kästner and Buster Keaton. How can you not adore him?)
The exercise itself:
What each member of my Ideal Family had to say about me and my positive qualities.
What Shiva said:
“Havi transforms things.
She transforms almost everything she comes into contact with. She’s not afraid of change, even though sometimes she thinks she is.
She’s a tough cookie. She’s adaptable. She knows how to change course and shift direction. She’s powerful, capable and determined.”
And Elgin?
“Havi is smart and capable. She’s compassionate and kind.
She doesn’t take crap from anyone.
She’s a Leveler and a good communicator. She’s eccentric. She’s brave. She’s a fighter. She knows how to survive.”
What about Gladwell?
“Havi is thoughtful. She’s a good writer. She is surrounded by people who care about her and about her work. She interacts with ideas in a very careful way but also with a lot of passion. She’s not gullible. She has a fine, clear mind.”
Audrey Hepburn:
“Havi is graceful and gracious.
She cares deeply about so many things. She knows how to be wonderfully silly and to really, truly have fun with life. She is completely charming. She has a good heart.”
And Barbara Pym:
“Havi notices everything. She is a good observer of life.
She engages with it passionately and has fun being alive. And she’s also very pretty.”
And Athena?
“Havi is tough, brave, strong and very, very determined. The good kind of ambitious. She’ll move mountains, that one.
In fact, she’s ready right now.”
Wow.
This is the part where I usually talk about what I’ve learned and all that stuff, but I’m still kind of in recovery mode from this exercise. Whew.
First of all, that was really, really cool.
I’m also noticing that there is a part of me (the “scientific method” part of me) that wants to do this exercise a few more times, to see if different things come up or if I react differently.
And, of course, my stuff is coming up all over the place when I think about actually posting this.
I mean, oh god. Is there anything more embarrassing than admitting out loud that — for example — I was imagining that Malcolm Freaking Gladwell would say that I’m a good writer?
So yeah. Embarrassment. Awkwardness. Discomfort.
And at the same time? I feel immensely supported to have all these people whom I so deeply admire on my side. Cheering for me. Believing in me. Impressed by me and my abilities. Even if it is just in my head.
Having them see it makes it easier for me to see it (or to consider being eventually able to see it). And that is big.
Do you want to play with me? Yay.
Obviously I would love it if you gave this exercise a shot. It definitely helps to have context of Barbara’s amazing book, but you’ll get cool stuff from it either way.
And then if you want to share some (or all) of your results here, that would be really interesting! And fun!
And then I won’t be being all self-help-ey all by myself. (Also, you definitely don’t have to do the exercise for your entire Ideal Family — imagining one person works too.)
Comment zen:
We’re all practicing.
Wheee! Play with me!
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Wow. I love that. I got teary when reading yours, so I think that’s a good sign that I should really try this. 🙂 And Audrey in on my list too.
.-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..i love vacations =-.
This game made me realize that I do not source my ideal family, my biggest cheerleaders, from well known people.
I actually think that I look for family in the blogging world, for those men and women who share with care. The soul-exposing, laugh-at-yourself personalities that frequent places like here every day!
.-= Lydia, Clueless Crafter´s last blog ..Simon Baker Sews Respect on Rachael Ray =-.
Audrey! This weekend I have been watching Breakfast at Tiffany’s, a big favourite of mine. Maybe Holly Golightly will be on my list. The people do not have to be _real_, do they? I’ll think this one over a bit more at home, but I had to respond to Audrey. Audrey!
Oh this is fun. I just went for a little walk around the neighborhood and had so much fun imagining different people (and not-people too) who might be in my ideal family and all the positive things they might have to say about me. I didn’t really settle on anyone by the end of the walk, other than Elinor from “Sense & Sensibility” (who thinks I am prudent and well-mannered, but not overly reserved, with a great deal of sense and deserving of approbation), but it sure was empowering to spend 20 minutes thinking good things about myself!
.-= Emily´s last blog ..Gathering and Grounding =-.
@Inge – oh, absolutely. I think Holly Golightly would be a wonderful person to have on your team.
@Lydia – absolutely. That’s a completely legitimate way to do it. Take your cheerleaders and your team wherever you find them. I’m for it!
Yay. Yay!
Thank you so much for posting this, Havi!
When I did the exercise, Oscar Wilde popped up immediately. And he said, “You’re brilliant, darling.”
And then I started laughing and crying at the same time. Because, OMG, Oscar Wilde! 😀
Others:
Katharine Hepburn
Anne Elliot (from Persuasion by Jane Austen)
my friend Stef and his wife Christina
Fantastic exercise. I’ll definitely be doing it a few more times to see what else pops up.
.-= Charlotte´s last blog ..Assumptions. (Fundamental.) =-.
This is cool. I think I have to do them one at a time. I think it might take me awhile. Very interesting.
Pema Chodron is definitely in there.
.-= Sonia Simone´s last blog ..What Makes Marketing Hard? =-.
Very cool exercise. I’m having fun auditioning people for my make-believe family. Like Lydia, many of mine aren’t well-known people, which is interesting in its own right, I suppose. And I have a feeling we’ll all soon be squabbling over who gets Kate Hepburn for Thanksgiving dinner. 🙂
.-= Lori Paximadis´s last blog ..Studio Tour =-.
Dear Dear Havi –
Of course Malcolm Gladwell would say you’re a good writer. You ARE! He’s one who recognizes quality, and it’s obvious to me that you’re in “a bit of a need to hear that-type” place. Who better to say it than one who’s words you respect?
It’s all coming together where it’s supposed to come together.
As for Barbara Sher’s “Wishcraft” . . . . oh JOY! I was on her site a few days back trying to figure out how to get to Corfu to join her for a few days. Then again, it will all come when it’s time. She is so incredible, isn’t she? But so are we all.
Keep growing dear heart.
.-= Gail McConnon´s last blog ..Why Is “Aging” Such A Dirty Word? Some Clean Thoughts =-.
Audrey Hepburn?? Katherine Hepburn?? I just love this because they are my two most favourite women in the world!
.-= Kathleen, The Savvy VA´s last blog ..WordPress Self-hosted Blogs – Those Highly Optimized Marketing Machines =-.
Havi, I love how you wrote:
“when I actually did it, whoah….
But I’d totally thought it was just going to be one of those shallow feel-good self-help-ey things. I didn’t realize it was going to go deep.”
That’s where you hooked me. And you are right. I just did it and am still processing, but its great.
Its funny, because when I was a teenager I didn’t really have a dad or even any uncles in the picture and I listened to Lou Reed, Tom Waits, and Leonard Cohen all the time. Later I realized they had been my 3 surrogate dads. They really got me through. I NEVER wrote down what I would have actually wanted them to say to me. What an amazing idea.
Others on my list: Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Frida Kahlo, Zora Neale Hurston, Martha Graham, Hafiz, Rabia, Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt, Harriet Tubman, Scheherazade, and Oshun. (my real family is quite small 😉 )
Working on my 1st novel, I think I need a lot of support at the moment. I’m going to print & collage pictures of all of them for inspiration. Thank you!
.-= Kate T.W.´s last blog ..Ghosts & Fairies Inhabit a Hat, or How Limitations Can Increase Creativity =-.
@Kate – I love the idea of Lou Reed, Tom Waits and Leonard Cohen as surrogate dads.
Hooray for support. And support systems. And unconditional freaking love.
Also, can we start a The Ladies Hepburn Fanclub? For Pirates? Because I kind of think we should.
Now I’m envisioning the Hepburn ladies in full pirate regalia. It totally works.
I can tell that this is an excellent exercise for me to work with right now, because so far I haven’t made it past choosing Michael Palin (from Monty Python’s Flying Circus), who lights up from inside like the sun on a chilly gray morning and says, “Oh, Kat’s wonderful! She’s so *funny*! I’d love to do a project with her…” without melting into tears. Plenty of juice there, for sure.
I’m on my second read-through of Wishcraft and am actually doing the exercises this time. Like you, Havi, I underestimated the power of listening to my “ideal family” speak about my strengths. It was also surprising to discover that I approached the exercise with preconceptions about which figures in my “family” were somehow more important or distinguished, but they weren’t necessarily the ones whose comments affected me the most. In a nutshell, I guess I found out that as much as I need to have imaginary mentors (the distinguished, powerful-in-their-real-lives ones), it’s even more important for me to nourish my imaginary *peers* (the ones who are more contemporary, whose lives are still in process, like mine).
Totally not brave enough (today, right-now) to share what they said about me. It’s scary (powerful) enough to have it written down in my notebook!
.-= Tracy´s last blog ..Retrospective: A Crack in Everything, Part Two =-.
I LOVE Suzette Haden Elgin! I got to be part of reissuing the Native Tongue trilogy, and it was fabulous. My friends and I STILL use some of her Laadan concepts in everyday talking.
Thinking about my ideal family — can’t wait to give it time!
Julie
.-= Julie´s last blog ..Ow, My Head Hurts =-.
Thanks for having brought Barbara Sher back to my mind. Will get the book straight back out from my shelf. Read your blog this morning before work and on my way to work saw a woman on the bus reading – Barbara Sher’s book. I would have loved to talked to her even though I didn’t know her at all but she got off before I had a chance to squeeze past some other rush hour passengers.
Change of subject: why didn’t you tell us that Selma was cast for Berlin Water’s advertising campaign:
http://www.bwb.de/content/language1/downloads/BWB-Ruhepool_lay.pdf
She looks very content in her bubble bath 🙂
Ah, you make me glad I decided to be a writer, Havi. Wonderful for me to read what you wrote. I was so busy this morning I was about to ignore this google alert that someone had mentioned Wishcraft (it’s so often about the movie and not my book), but I am so glad I clicked and came here instead. I actually feel less busy already.
Incidentally, one of the comments above is completely right: you are a very good writer, clear and authentic. I’m sure Gladstone would agree.
I’m going to tweet this page a lot if it’s okay with you, partly to thank you for doing all this great work from Wishcraft, but mostly to get other people to do it, too. You’ve shown so well why this exercise is not lightweight. It’s deep, and takes some courage to do all the way as you’ve done.
And if anyone calls you a plagiarizing asshat, you just send them to me. 🙂
Thanks for the lead, Havi. The Wishcraft is the best book on parenting I’ve ever read. Nevermind my own childhood problems, but my kids deserve better lives and I’m proud to say that based on Wishcraft, I’m not too bad of a parent after all.
.-= Erika´s last blog .. =-.
I’m in on the Hepburn fan club. I was actually named after her, so she’s been part of my imaginary family all my life. 😉
Barbara, Thank you so much for making this excellent work available!
.-= Kate T.W.´s last blog ..lovedrunk freewrite in which I do something that scares me =-.
Wow. What an exercise. I think it’s a sign of how deep it really is that nobody has shared their results here!
I haven’t done this yet (partly because I’m kind of terrified!), but I have Reginald Jeeves, Sherlock Holmes, Granny Weatherwax, Leonard Cohen, the goddess Bríd, and Stephen Fry all sitting patiently in my head, waiting to have their say.
.-= Lean Ni Chuilleanain´s last blog ..Sunday Stash, no. 3 =-.
Wow, I was trying to think of a list and hit me: I’ve done this before!
In high school, a super-hard time in my life, sometimes in the shower, instead of working on my acceptance speech (for the Pulitzer), I’d talk to the writer of whatever book I was reading then. Or one of the characters.
And they would always listen to me and tell me fabulously encouraging things about myself. And sometimes I’d cry or just think “yeah, they’re right!”.
I’d completely put that out of my mind until just now, as I began to write my comment.
Thanks for reminding me!
.-= Tara´s last blog ..Happy Birthday, Dyl! =-.
I think it is fascinating how deep it really is. Every time one of my persons even starts to say something, I get all choked up and can’t finish. I want to finish this but am a bit scared so I thought I’d save it for a long plane ride. (Wait, do I really want to be crying on the plane. Maybe I should think this through.) My quick list includes Audrey Hepburn, Emily of New Moon (a character in a 3-book series by LM Montgomery), Mark Rothko, Rumi or Hafiz, Gandhi, definitely one of the Greek or Roman gods (haven’t decided which one), Scheherazade ..
.-= elizabeth´s last blog ..i love vacations =-.
I can’t even concentrate enough to come up with my ideal family. I don’t think I even know who these people might be.
I’m cranky and I really wish I could imagine a world where:
… an ideal environment as (among other things) one …
“… in which you were:
* given real help and encouragement in finding out what you wanted to do and how to do it …
* allowed to complain when the going got rough, and given sympathy instead of being told to quit …
* bailed out when you got in over your head — without reproach…”>/i>
::sneaking off to office bathroom for a silent cry::
I can’t even concentrate enough to come up with my ideal family. I don’t think I even know who these people might be.
I’m cranky and I really wish I could imagine a world where:
… an ideal environment as (among other things) one …
“… in which you were:
* given real help and encouragement in finding out what you wanted to do and how to do it …
* allowed to complain when the going got rough, and given sympathy instead of being told to quit …
* bailed out when you got in over your head — without reproach…”
::sneaking off to office bathroom for a silent cry::
Wow, this is so cool! I’m so grabbing Jackie Chan. And Jen Louden could be my mum!
I’m going to go away and do this exercise.
It reminds me of something else I loved – the bit in Eat Pray Love where she’s recruiting all kinds of cool people from history to sign her petition to god. Powerful stuff there, too.
Havi, I just found this. HA. My family:
CS Lewis
Rilke
GLINDA THE GOOD WITCH
Miles Davis
James Taylor
–Sarah G.
Would you mind hosting chapters 6, 8, and 10? I can’t open these chapters on wishcraft.com
I had to mention a recent book you may like: “What would Audrey do?”
This is exactly the exercise I need to do right now — of course, you must have known that when you wrote it years ago and expertly linked to it.
I’m trying to find the small intersection of people I respect and people who won’t secretly judge me. (Ah, that is my Thing, generally. How interesting!)
Off the top of my head:
Martin Luther King, Jr (no idea why)
“Vvvv is so modest and peaceful. She knows how to include everyone and be the workhorse of a meaningful movement.”
Charo (who I haven’t thought about in a bazillion years)
“Look at those Zumba-ing hips and hands thrown up! I want to conga with that lady!”
Barbara Sher (duh)
“Vvvv is one of the most sensitive people I know, so careful about and dedicated to being the most authentic person.”
Martha Stewart
“Vvv is so dedicated and can make huge strides in so many areas. People will respect what she knows. She’s got the brains. It’s a good thing.”
Alton Brown
“She sure appreciates a good puppet and pun theme. She knows how to have silly fun and make life colorful.”
Yeah, so I guess I’m the “real me” with my family. I own that I am a lot of these things…when I make time/space.
I thought I was picking cuddly family members. Maybe that’s not what I value. That’s interesting. The “connections” gwish of this moon might be intellectual and spiritual connections rather than emotional. Oh, my heart area just did an amazing tingly flip for being recognized.
Hmm, maybe what I thought was my heart was really my spirit, my sense of meaning. How do I connect to that? Oh, yeah, I have a book called “Man’s Search for Meaning”.
Now my throat burns. I need to express more, perhaps. Find and express my spirit. I can do that without being a priest. I can do it in situ.
Right now, I can be more peaceful, dedicated, lively, colorful, varied. I can just step into the stream of these qualities.
Throat still burns. Maybe I just need to feel this in my belly before the pressure to do something.