In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
I’m sitting writing this in the big red chair in the Hypothalamus.
That’s my new office at Stompopolis.
I say “new”. I’ve had the keys since March. But I don’t go in there.
I have issues with space. Issues with not having it. Issues with having it.
This is not new.
But that was the theme of this week, and so here I am, practicing. Hello, beautiful space that is both open and contained, that is just for me, that I have so much trouble growing into. Hello. Let’s look at the week from over here, and see what happens.
The hard stuff
The second saddest letter.
So last week I got the saddest letter.
And then one week later, at the same time, the same person sent a second letter that was basically an apology for the first letter.
A sadness-filled apology for how sad the letter was, for how sad this person feels that they wrote it, for how I must be feeling (sad!), for the entire situation (which, in case you hadn’t figured this out yet, is sad sad sad).
With — wait for it — even more apologies about the fact that they still stand by all the original sad things, despite the fact that yes, sad.
Ugh. The fact that this letter changes absolutely nothing might be even more sad than the letter or the situation or any of it.
Sad.
More sadness.
Last Friday I did a hugely important, meaningful thing that I have been looking forward to for months. An amazing and transformative moment in the life of Havi.
And there were two important people that I had really been [hmmm. hoping? expecting to? some kind of happy verb!] to share this with.
Except neither of these people is really speaking to me right now. Because stuff changes and things die.
So. That was kind of lonely. And I felt sad again.
Luckily my playmate kept me company and was there to be excited for and with me. To appreciate what a big deal this is.
Thank goodness for that or I would have probably cried my way through the whole thing.
The week of misunderstandings and possible misunderstandings.
And worrying about misunderstandings!
This is huge core-Havi-issue pain, being misunderstood, and this week had so many misunderstandings.
One of these in particular triggered a massive attack of insecurity freakout, where the prevailing script was I ruin everything, and of course it was totally in my head, and of course it erased everything else.
So that took a while to untangle.
I am so upset about this!
Someone just wandered into Stompopolis off the street while I was deep in the zone of of working.
Someone who was not supposed to be there. Who shouldn’t have even been able to get into the building. In my space. In this sanctuary of magic that I have built for only beautiful things. With their shoes on!
I wasn’t prepared for it. I didn’t know what was happening.
Figuring out new signage and new protocols and new everything, but ohmygod I am upset about this.
Also all mechanisms fell through. Pirate crew were there but couldn’t figure out how to take charge of the situation. Because I hadn’t trained them to?
I had to run around for a while yelling in my head: No! I am the one with the ball! You guys have to tackle anyone who comes near me! Your entire thing is to help me stay invisible so I can do my important work of radiating culture from behind the scenes! Please help meeeeee!
And that was my stuff, and I had to go do a lot of work with it.
But mainly it was just another piece of information about SPACE, which was the pattern of the week.
Speaking of that…
The new version of Incoming Me showed up this weekend. Which was great. I’d been waiting for her and wondering about her and expecting her ever since Havi Bell landed last week.
Except.
Except she woke me up at 3 in the morning with a long list of things to do.
And her whole thing, as she told me, all perky and happy in the middle of the night, is helping me become the version of me who joyfully takes up her space.
So yes, that.
And then all hell broke loose this week as every single issue I have around space came rushing to the forefront.
At dance class I got squeezed out of rows, relegated to edges, every single time.
That thing with the building. Things online. Everywhere. That was what showed up. And I hated it.
Harmony (that’s what she’s calling herself, because she’s hilarious) said that this is my obstacle course. I don’t WANT an obstacle course!
She said I could make it a lot easier if I took the answer to one obstacle and applied it to all the rest, and I didn’t want to do that either, even though she is right. She’s hoping I will eventually take this as a fun challenge. Not happening yet. Still in my stuff.
So much grieving left to do.
Releasing and releasing and releasing.
Sometimes it feels like I will never be done crying for things that happened THEN.
This week was all about uncovering new wells of pain about loss. Layers that I didn’t know about.
Auuuuuuuuuuuugh the heat.
I do not do well in the heat. I am not that kind of flower. I wilt.
This week was way too much hot. Things annoyed me, which is a sure sign that it is too hot for Havi.
I actually slept with all the ice packs from the freezer, in a little circle around me.
Writing a difficult letter.
Headache via Bolivia.
The two year old next door has transitioned from late night screaming temper tantrums that last for hours into a new thing.
The new thing is somehow, impossibly, even worse.
It is excited squealing and yelping that starts at about four in the morning.
It’s a good thing he’s cute. I will say that.
It has not been fun. Also, it seems like one of the main perks of not living in Bolivia is that you get to sleep whenever you want. So I am extra annoyed about this right now.
People not taking responsibility for their stuff.
And bringing it to me when it is not mine. All week long. And bringing it into my space, on twitter and facebook and in other forms.
Sometimes even people who have studied with me and therefore know that the main precursor to everything thing I teach is: Hey, sweetie. OWN. YOUR. SHIT.
Except they forget that part. Which is kind of the most important part, because without that you can’t do the part about process and play and exploration and creative discovery. You have to start from safety and sovereignty.
So there was boundary stuff aplenty this week, and that was exhausting.
Wait, another misunderstanding!
Sometimes people you care about are in their stuff!
And sometimes you want them to not be in their stuff.
Which is, ta-da!, your stuff.
So then you have to work on your stuff. You have to remember that it’s not your job to make it all better for them. That there are lots of ways to be present with someone who is in their stuff without taking it on.
Such is the work of life. Sometimes I feel really relieved that I have been in training for this for so many years. But man, misunderstandings are so painful.
The good stuff
Move those hips.
The beautiful cheetah of a dance instructor in my class is my only source of pop culture information. Apparently Elton John called Madonna a ‘fairground stripper’? Okay.
Anyway, that was the theme of his dance class, and it was awesome.
“I want us to dance like fairground strippers today! Kick it, ladies, like FAIRGROUND STRIPPERS! Let’s get those legs up, like fairground strippers…”
I have no idea what a fairground stripper is but that was a very fun class.
And now I am walking around swiveling my hips like a fairground stripper, it’s kind of great.
Plus you can add this sentence to anything. Kind of like adding “in bed” (or “except in bed!”) to fortune cookies.
It’s very entertaining. Much like a fairground stripper…
See?
The coronation.
It went beautifully and smoothly.
All my wishes and asks came true.
Including the most unlikely ones. Specifically:
1) I asked that the experience be palpably better for everyone else involved because I was there.
Then we were all waiting in this cramped corridor and everyone was irritable. So I did a peacefulness meditation for the room we were going to enter. And the second I felt it fill completely with peace and knew that my work was done, they opened the doors and said: “The room is ready for you!”
And everyone was instantly happy, and someone even said, “Wow, this room feels so peaceful…”
Yes. Yes it does. Yay.
2) I asked that my process be differentiated in some way, that it stand out.
And it did. A highly unusual thing happened when my name was called, and it was very exciting! Almost as exciting as… a fairground stripper.
But really the whole thing. Doing it alone, on my own. Having the company of my playmate. Searching for clews. Taking pictures. It was perfect.
Playdating all the playdates.
Another week of being in play, as play, through play, with play, all forms of play. Almost as if I were a fairground stripper…
This week’s play had questions and answers, intimacy, shelter and sheltering and being sheltered, wonder, creativity and patience.
Play is changing things. And committing to playfulness is too.
Dance class, at least when I wasn’t in my space-related pain.
Beautiful subtle nuanced movements, new understandings, new inspiration, a new level of being able to be in movement.
Took a million classes this week. Like a fairground stripper…
Ez.
Talking to Ez this week. Pronounced E-Z. Like a fairground stripper…
We don’t talk that often but when we do, we end up collapsed in giggles for an hour, being the funniest and having all the words.
My brother. The best.
Ahahahahaha of course.
There was no misunderstanding. Of course. Usual error! It all happened in my head! No explanation was necessary! Which is good, because I broke the pattern and didn’t try to explain.
I had the superpower of Everything Is Okay. Like a fairground stripper…
Physical therapy.
Well, it’s more like emotional therapy, that just happens through the body.
I cried and processed grief, as always. He instinctively knew how to do all the right things, as always. It was as if our nervous systems were completely attuned to each other, we were synched up with both each other and the miracle of healing. It was intense and important and exactly what I needed. Like a fairground stripper…
What a connection. It’s kind of like what I have with my business mentor, except with the body.
Met the new Incoming Me! And she’s amazing.
I love her. She’s wonderful. Smart, funny, kooky, wise, says all the best things.
She’s been so much help this week.
We’re tearing stuff apart. Like a fairground stripper…
Beautiful beautiful beach day.
And it was warm!
For the first time since moving to Oregon, I actually wore a bikini on the coast. No sweater! No anything! Just a bikini. Like a fairground stripper…
Also, all the five year old girls were jealous because it is a total minnie mouse bikini.
Also the beach was gorgeous and mostly deserted (except for those five year old girls and accompanying cluster of adults). I walked for hours. Played in the Pacific. The ocean gave me a healing. It was a hell of a day.
Marisa is back.
I got to hold her hand and smell her hair and tell all the stories and hear all the stories, and everything is good because of this.
And I am taking her to the beach. Like a fairground stripper…
Stompopolis!
You guys! Stompopolis is so amazing and we are so close to opening!
I had the best time playing there this week. Like a fairground stripper…
And as of this week, we are getting ready to start sparking the sparks online, so if you want to follow Stompopolis and the secret delight-filled goings on via the Twitters or in the hidden room behind facebook or look at photos on Instagram, please please do that.
We would love to play with you some more.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is totally my brother’s fault.
Easy Goat Zonkers.
Can I just say that this one might be my favorite band of all time?
Though, of course, as it turns out… it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
Same as last time. The Monster Manual & Coloring Book.
Saved my ass a hundred times this week. And I watch people on the Floop use it to destuckify. You can absolutely tell who has the tools. It works.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal. Like a fairground stripper…
Follow
The week: there was the weak and the strong, the stuck and the free, the in, the out, the under and through.
Specifics:
Buyer for house fell through. Vacation was cancelled and not knowing if I was working or vacationing – not making entries, exits or establishing the clarity.
And loss, oh the loss, Havi I feel you.
Went to see Beasts of the Southern Wild, it keeps working on me. I won’t spoil it by talking about my favorite parts, but man, talk about meeting fear with love- ohh I want just a smidge or what Hushpuppy knows. The girl listens to everything!
After processing loss again and again (thank you Hushpuppy)Renewed commitment to the qualities I want instead of confusing the specifics with the commitment. A great spurt of energy and a most wonderful day yesterday.
Today, I made a very public mistake. Sent an email I thought was private, but it wasn’t. I’ve heard of this happening to other people but this was a first for me. Descended into shame, “yes, kick me out of the group for what I’ve done, please.” Owned it all, wrote a genuine apology and have been able to let it go. Don’t know what will happen next, but okay with it. This all within an hour. Hooray for growth!
Happy Chickening!
Oh, this week!
The bad:
A very important process I was getting help on, and which I have played hooky on over the summer, threatened to be cut off. That is, some of the helpers threw their schedule shoes at me. I was panicking and embarassed and resigned to a financial loss (but resenting it since they were threatening to not actually do the work after all). And then I decided the 90% solution would work as a temporary fix, but the guy who had all the documentation didn’t answer the phone for two days, taking us much closer to the shoe pile. Eek. Double frustration. May have left some not-quite-as-calm-as-needed voice mails.
The good:
I got an email back from the missing document guy (who is just very busy, and who kindly said he’d delete the phone messages), and picked up the documents, and took them to the right helper, and it’s all going to be OK after all. For the time being. But that means I can visit family this weekend instead of dwelling with the told-you-so doom monsters. Yay!
Happy weekend to all us chickens!
It’s been a week? What?
Oh right. It was a big one and so much happened I forgot what last week was even like… so it feels like nothing changed and happened.
Goods!
+WOMG! Talked to the Panamanian Islander (Pennsylvanian) about housesitting her place… and it’s a YES! and we’re moving so soon! Tropics! Reefs! Ocean breezes! Non-busy-cityness!
+I got my classes up! Although monsters wish it to be known that this could have happened months ago… well, they didn’t, they’re up now. Shiva Nata flailing for everyone!
+erm, those were the two big ones… ooo, first non-private physical yoga class this week, got good comments from normally indifferent YMCA folks… and a new yoga client!
+house rearranging, happens so much faster then I always think is possible.
+I cooked seriously amazing chicken. legs. hopefully that isn’t terribly insensitive to write in… a chicken. eep!
+i want to do guided visualization meditations always. soooo good! monkhood approaches… ha.
+got a nook for uber-cheap and it is my new toy and it is lovely AND my online classes paid for it!
Hards!
-a bit of edginess from lovelyman about having it real that we’re moving. he’s sad, and doesn’t understand that i’m not because in my head, I had left Denver a full year ago.
-Discovering that in my head, I had left Denver a full year ago.
-oh sleep? what happened to you? thank you for the frilly bursts of inspiration, but…
-uber-productive followed by less productive. it is a cycle, it is natural, it is hard to deal with when I remember having boundless capacity for work.
love to all your weeks and chickens!
I declared this week the week of congruencing and the results have been interesting. In the best way.
The hard:
A few old and fanged (imagine an accent on that e) patterns raising their scary heads.
A fairly pointless meeting on Tuesday taking up my whole morning.
Uh, there appears to be a spider infestation in my house. *Shudder*
Feeling becalmed.
Apparently I have very contradictory feelings about the colour pink. (Not a metaphor.)
Being vexed by the same damn thing. Gnash! Resentment is not my favourite emotion.
A moment when I was talking to someone and was mean in my head, and then fairly sure they picked up on it, and feeling sad because I was actually enjoying parts of our interaction. Also a wee bit of ‘was I just being paranoid?’ But yes, I would’ve liked to have been more mindful during our interaction.
Waking up today with a crazy stiff neck. Ouch!
The good:
Releasing some really old and scary stuff, in ways that have felt loving and non-scary. It feels really good!
Winning a seat in Hiro’s heart of support retreat. And then the first half on the retreat today. Tingly awesome.
Sunshine!
A long walk on the beach.
More space in my hips and lower back than I’ve felt for a long time.
Inspiration, ideas and progress being made biz wise – reminding myself that lots of small things count too.
A long walk in the countryside on Sunday.
Change where I’d given up expectation or hope.
Having my teeth cleaned and looked at by my awesomely kind and helpful dentist.
Getting my hair cut at home, really well, by a lovely, non passive-aggresive hairdresser.
Ultimate enneagram geeking out, and v useful clues therein. (Thanks R!)
Ahh… Wishing you all beautiful weekends, and hugs for the hard, sparklers for the good. 😀
Hooray for the coronation!
(And I’m afraid to google fairground stripper… )
The Good
* Started outlining the new project, and its flowing nicely!
* I’m putting feelers out into the world for other new projects, and pulling my feet back under me.
Starting training with the girls – even just tiny baby steps.
* Rally in a month – which manages to be wonderful and also terrifying!
* Library books! Whole stacks of library books, just for meeeee!
The hard
* Feeling like I’ve started a ball rolling, and now I’m not sure how to keep up with it.
* Having someone else’s project fall apart after I’ve been offering to help, and now I’m going to be putting it together. Especially hard is knowing that I’m trying to get out of a situation that encourages this, and not seeing a way for a more months.
* Feeling run down, and not entirely sure what I need.
Much love and sparkles to all chickeneers, if you’d like it!
Like a fairground stripper, yes! Is that shiznit hashtagged yet? Because I’m already on a mission to make it part of my daily (hourly/minute-ly) lexicon.
The Hard
-Heat waves suck (yes, like a fairground stripper!). We’re smackdab in the middle of 100-104-106-112-oh look, a cooling trend, only 102. ARGH. This, along with hormones, has made me very cranky and feeling bad for being cranky.
-Knowing I’m in my stuff but lacking the energy to do anything but glare at it.
-Taking my wheelchair-bound grandma to the second of two doctor appointments on Tuesday to find it had been rescheduled (for the second time). They say they left a message but as there was no answering machine at my grandma’s house, we obviously didn’t get it. Grrrr.
-Processing some body issues by clearing out pain from Then. Cathartic and healing but hard.
The Good
-Getting a massage. God bless my massage therapist.
-Deep-bone-knowing that I Am Enough Right Now.
-Swimming in a private pool with extra-soft water.
-Finally revising some important copy on my website.
-Friday Chickening like a fairground stripper.
Oh my gosh this is hilarious. I don’t remember my week. Wonderful. Or at least, I don’t know what happened when. I guess this will be a very general chicken, unless memories are sparked.
Oh I see! Last week feels like three weeks and that was confusing me. Nope, it all happened this last week.
The Hard:
– Turns out what I am hugely needing at the moment is support. And that support is also the most terrifying thing in the world to me. So…ow.
– And of course that’s been coming up all over the place. As is my rage about all the times people offer support but it’s not actually support, it’s them trying to take over your experience!
– The thing where I asked for support and it went *fine* but my monsters still refuse to believe it even though I have written proof that it was all okay.
– Impatience! I want to make a giant transition and I want it to happen in, like, ten seconds with no pain. And that’s proving unrealistic and frustrating.
– Letting go. Of so much literal physical stuff and also tons and tons of emotional stuff and crying and shaking and hurting and bleh.
– The whole flight-to-Bolivia thing, and how many shoes it seems to invite. Even though only half of them are even shoe-like. The rest? My stuff. Actually all of it? My stuff.
– Also the part where I’m splitting my abdominal muscles in half and there are now all kinds of rules about how I’m allowed to move and also I have to go see a chiropractor to get my tailbone fixed and also my calves are constantly spasming (holy hell painful). Also the part where none of my clothes fit.
– Being mad about everything.
– Weird grey days and clouds of sadness and other stuff that wasn’t mine but kept affecting me.
The Good:
– Went to a concert in a park! With someone I like. And sat with someone else I like. And laughed tons and it was great.
– Took one thousand pictures of the Purple House. And wrote a song for it, about rats.
– I installed, on my own, not one, but two online shopping cart systems. And I got one of them to work. And it does.
– Had a conversation I thought would be hard but instead was beautiful and easy and perfect. All the things! They are fixed!
– I have so many fewer physical things! The whole house feels lighter and more present and more sparkly. All those things! I released them!
– I used a paper shredder for what was probably the first time in my life. You know what’s AWESOME?! Shredding paper. (Kind of like a fairground stripper?) Oh my god so much fun! I overheated it three times in my enthusiasm. I might have to get rid of more papers just so I can shred more things.
– Learning more about spaciousness and boundaries and what it means to be someone who doesn’t accept certain kinds of input. Sloooowly but surely.
– Music! It is the best thing ever!
– Cuddles! They are the best thing ever!
@Rhiannon: Paper shredding (LAFS) IS pretty awesome. And for when you can’t be near an actual shredder, there’s an app for that. I don’t remember the exact name but I think a quick search of an app store would yield the desired results (LAFS).
The Hard:
Still working on boundaries with friends, which leads to loneliness and not being able to go where I want when I want (like to my favorite pub tonight because I have no one to go with.)
Big Nothing from Match. Like I think my profiles and emails are set to “invisible.”
No plans for the second weekend in a row. Feeling something not right about it.
A haircut I need to get used to. Discomfort on my head.
Going through old family papers and feeling alternately proud and like I’m a big lazy slug who will amount to nothing. The tiny legacy is suffocating sometimes, I can’t imagine people who have a larger one to live up to.
General malaise. Bummed. A whole lot of nothing.
The Good:
Leaning into the discomfort, walking towards the closed doors of anxiety and realizing they have sensors on them and when you get close enough, they open and you don’t smash into the glass.
A million sparklepoints for Stompopolis!
This week: VACATION.
The hard:
*Lonely! Up here with excellent people who are all super-special to each other. They love me! But in a different way.
*Things coming to a head. Like a storm head. Ominous. Stuck.
*Space! There is none of it. Have failed to do some of my usual ridiculous things because of this. Sad without them!
*Wishing that my life were doing more changing post-Rally! Hello, stuff. Hello, I’m-doing-it-wrong!
The good:
*Tiiiiiiime. There is so much of it on this kind of vacation that it is hard to even say the word fast. Lovely.
*My practice told me what it wants and it’s charming! Also doable. Love!
*The river (not a metaphor). I love this river.
*Amazing family pictures from ~100 years ago. My grandpa, maybe, as a tiny boy? View from where I am standing in 1922. Connection.
*I was articulate! I was sovereign about some tricky things and therefore I was articulate. Yes.
So the weekend-where-everything-happened-at-once turned into the week-where-everything-happened. Exhausting, but not without its good stuff too.
The hard:
– The phone rang this morning, and two versions of me collided painfully when answering it, leading to confusion for everyone. Ow.
– Also, now that I finally have a local number, this week everyone decided to call me at 7:30 am with information that could easily wait until normall business hours. Argh.
– Also, also, multiple people calling at random moments of the day, concerning things that put me totally in my stuff. Having the same conversation several times. Boundaries threatened and defended. Blargh and blah.
– Being sick. And then feeling sad and frustrated about being sick. 🙁
– An opportunity door that slammed closed just as I reached it. Miscommunication, disorganization, not a personal attack but still, ouch.
– Very little sleep all week.
– Visitors, which was awesome, but exhausting. Introvert me needs some recovery time.
– Goodbyes, of all shapes and sizes.
The good:
– Loki the puppy! She is even more wonderful than I could have hoped for. Smart, affectionate, very loving and people-friendly.
– A visit back to a place where I went to school. Saw some people I haven’t seen in a long time. Good conversations while relaxing on the dock. Fun plans for the future.
– An improvised ritual of letting-go that enabled me to put down many of the rocks I’d been carrying around. The mountain will know what to do with them.
– An on-the-job interview that was quite fun and low-stress.
– At the eleventh hour, another opportunity opening up.
– Postering for the theatre company and getting an overwhelmingly positive response from the local community. This project is on a roll…
Sending warm wishes and calm breezes for everyone’s weekend. 🙂
Hard: Seeing someone I love blowing up at someone else I love, and wanting to intervene, but having to stand by, and wait, and do it very gently and wisely so as not to make matters worse.
Good: Hiro’s Heart of Support course today! Oh, it was wonderful. Just the fact that I made this investment of time and money in myself was such a tacit statement of self-support, and then being able to calmly tell everyone in my life that I would be doing this thing for seven hours, and having that respected — oh, there has been support within support within support today, and it is exhilarating. Like a fairground stripper. Absolutely.
Love me stuff like a fairground stripper, yo. 🙂 (This would probably be funnier said aloud. Apparently, I speak “street” like a newscaster.)
I can’t believe it’s Friday, either. But in a good way.
The Hard:
First day of dropping The Boy off at full time day-care. Bad Mom moments. Paranoia moments. Judgy “why can’t you handle this?” moments.
Clearing things I’m backlogged on, with the faint miasma of guilt-guilt-guilt.
The GREAT:
Daycare! Knowing that my extrovert child got people paying attention to him and other kids to play with, as opposed to grumpy desperate Mom who needed to get work done!
GETTING WORK DONE. My God. With time to rest and everything, and replenishment, and very little guilt because I’m not juggling everything without support!
Discovering space, internally and externally! Getting back in the flow of things.
Shiva Nata! (Like a fairground stripper!!)
Just a lovely week, mostly.
Could there be a better way to end a week than like a fairground stripper? That is just awesome.
I’ve had a great week on the foggy coast of Maine. It’s been cool as a fairground stripper.
I ate my first lobster. It clawed me like a fairground stripper.
Planning trip to Boulder next month to see my mother and family. Husband is coming too. Badly want to go to Denver Art Museum. Husband thinks it will “take too much time away from family.” Taking this on – unnecessarily! – and feeling guilty. Don’t want to flounce off to Denver like a fairground stripper. Would rather go and feel happy about it.
The main thing: vacations and departures are good. I wish to keep them going. Owls Head this month, Boulder next month, Portland the month after, then maybe Montreal in November?
Really, wherever there’s a fairground stripper convention! That’s where you’ll find me.
Can I just say – love the Wall of Qualities photo on Instagram. I want! Like a word wall for grown-ups, do they come off?? Are they attached with velcro dots? (I’m obsessed with classroom displays, it’s my thing)
Oh yes, chicken.
The hard
More bumps and bruises than a fairground stripper. Silent retreat on the details but ouch.
Needing to be more present in my space, actually slightly forgetting I have a physical body that needs to have attention paid to it. Then being surprised when it reacts badly.(Oh right- see above and an instant Aha!)
Too much Olympics stuff, it is a bit overwhelming and might be making me less comfortable with all this physicality. (Oh – right. Again.)
Convinced there must have been more hard, but no.
The Good
Walking barefoot, much like a fairground stripper. I like feeling my feet in contact with the ground. I forgot.
I went out in the London crowds and it was hot & busy but OK. I used the idea of shelter (Thanks Havi!) and didn’t get the panics.
It is not too hot, mostly, so work can get done and I feel good about that.
Streets round here remain eerily quiet, which is lovely!
Love and sparkles to all chickeneers.
Yep, another week is gone. What happened?!
Well, there was hard stuff and there was good stuff.
Hard:
– Whenever I try to do certain things (projects), stuff happens and the projects have to take a back seat to the stuff.
– Stuff that isn’t mine but it affects me:
– MrB has a serious infection requiring clinic visits and extra care-giving and, despite medication and care, is not getting better. This is not the same problem he had last week.
– The Boomerang Boy in the ER twice early this week, and now he’s hospitalized. Again. I had to handle some things for him including telling his wife and his birth mother. Also I found the window of his apartment broken and had to board it up. Asshat landlord conversation.
– Stuff that is mine that comes up because of the stuff that isn’t mine: Worry about both MrB and the BB. What-iffery and fear. Feeling helpless and angry. Feeling worn down by the Stuff.
– My plan/hope for playing with the kittens (metaphor!) didn’t happen because of the above.
– Physical pain and not sleeping. I felt wired instead of weary, though.
– I got trapped for over an hour in an unnecessarily prolonged conversation and couldn’t figure out how to get out of it.
– Feral cats (not a metaphor) and possibly other animals hanging out in my outdoor refueling station when it was too hot for me to enjoy it, and now there are fleas and dirt and shit and it’s unpleasant.
– There is an exciting thing that I want to start playing with/ working towards but can’t because the whole thing depends on someone else doing a certain thing first and she is totally stuck in her stuff and can’t do it. I’m feeling resentment about that and I don’t want to. I’m tempted to try to find a different way to make this happen but we really want to include her. Aaargh, stuff! Mine and hers! Maybe I’d better OOD it.
Good:
+ Despite my stuff about the health stuff, I have been taking care of myself and staying in my strength as I handle what needs to be handled.
+ The BB has a couple of good neighbors; they helped with the window.
+ And when he’s hospitalized, I know he’s safe and taken care of.
+ I was extremely competent about the window repair. I can too use power tools! That felt good.
+ New conversation class going well and is fun and interesting. Other class also going well. (We have a running joke about chickens.)
+ Hanging out with my friend B and my husband at the bookstore.
+ Lunch with my sister B and my husband at my house (Everybody has the same initials! Maybe I should start numbering them.)
+ New writing project starting really well. AND gathering inspiration for Slightly Future Projects.
+ Future travel possibilities: excited! I want!
+ A break in the extreme weather – it was actually pleasant outdoors!
+ J-L rejected my suggestion about something but later followed it and it helped! She and T both thrilled with the result.
++ Using what I know, all week long. For myself. I generally do that when helping others but I did it for meeeee!
Sending support for the hard, yay for the good, wishing everyone more of what you want.
The hard: total exhaustion.
The good: working “enforced rest” on the couch, watching Breaking Bad like a fairground stripper (ie, no shower & a bacon-centric breakfast)
The hard: the insomnia that always pairs up with this level of exhaustion
The good: it forced me (seriously, because I resisted until the point of 4am desperation) to try shiva nata as a kind of sleeping pill & my lord did that work.
The good: I woke up with this massive epiphany; honestly how in the world does this work this fast? Seriously, my word. A system, plan, content, administrative structure that feels like an actual solution to something that has been tangled up for years & years.
That’s how a fairground stripper does it, apparently.
The Hard:
– So much sadness- from then, about then, some that doesn’t even feel like it has anything to do with anything at all, but is still there.
– Locking myself out of the house, again. Third time this summer.
– Sex: fear from then but also pleasure. Disconnection. Confusion. More sadness. Wondering if it ever stops being so difficult. Wondering how to help myself heal.
– Being late for things, and forgetting things, and just simply not getting things done.
– Had to put in extra time at work to make up for the time I took off. Good for my bank account but not so for my tired self.
– Blowing money. Anger directed at self about this, even though what I bought was helpful.
– Friends: lots of socialization, not enough quiet nights at home.
– Eating unhealthily. Not caring enough to not eat meat or fried stuff or sweet stuff. Feeling like a loser after.
– Not making it to the gym as much as I would have liked.
– Feeling unsafe with two guy-friends. Too much touching. Feeling *really*, VERY uncomfortable and not wanting to communicate it. When I finally did, not being listened to.
– Lying about how I feel.
– Not being able to talk to H.
– Feeling cold.
To sum up, I guess: lots of self-care things falling through.
The Good:
– Burst of energy before seeing H, which meant that I got some pending things out of the way.
– Friends. Lovely friends everywhere. Even though I felt tired after, I loved seeing everyone and it lifted me out of the hole for a bit.
– Feeling safe with H, even though we didn’t talk much.
– Not getting flack for not having things done and making mistakes at work. I have lovely supervisors.
– Contract signed for job next year.
– Summer courses over with, good grades in both.
– Home for September finalized. There will be kitties!
– Lovely friend taking care of furnishings and helping with move.
– One of the cherry tomatoes has begun to ripen 🙂
– Clean laundry. Sourdough bread and lentils. Salad. Beautiful, hand-crafted ear-rings. Lovely new friend. New clothes and sheets. My teddy bear. Here, now, silence.
Love to all chickeners and lurkers <3
Hard:
* Near-misses
* Messes
* The stuff so large, the days so short
* Missing out on festivals and the like
* Vacation only ten days away (aaaaaaah!)
Good:
* Royalties
* Feedback
* New car
* The latest round of dental work went well
* The radio played a song I’ve been trying to track down since November
* Being treated to a lovely lunch
** Dessert included butterscotch-habanero bread pudding
* Eggplant at the supermarket – 25 cents each
* Vacation only ten days away 🙂
Thank you, seagirl, for the knowledge that the “closed doors of anxiety” have a sensor to open at the last minute. Wow!
Thank you, Havi, for reminding me that what I think is the same old annoying stuff coming up (so it’s hopeless to work on it) is really a core-Viva-stuff, which reassures me that it’s worth working on. Yay, priorities!
Behind on a meaningless deadline…like a fairground stripper. That’s the good and the bad!
you are so much fun! even when sad! good sad, happy fun, one day i WILL get to visit playground. I don’t know how or when but I WILL! 😀
Invoking Amnesty like a fairground stripper (man do I resonate with this phrase…)
The suck (not much of it, yea!)
-so much non-progress on important, before-school-starts missions. shame and panic and “incapable/incompetent” monsters gloating
-walking into random clouds of tobacco when i walk from room to room. i know it;’s been almost a year now, i know you only smoke in your room (at least when I’m home…)but yeah your cigarette makes me want to hurl. still. this will not change! i lost my immunity to clouds of toxic smoke when i quit smoking it myself. now I am healthy and your addiction is a continuous source of aggravation and anger for me!
-miscommunications with arriving guests set me up for bad insomnia. total FAIL on all the Leni-sleep protocols
-guests on thursday, husband + shopping on friday, brithday arty + sleep over saturday and husband’s barbecue on sunday = days of work with no private time for msyelf
-ongoing power battle with husband. He scheduled a barbe cue, I told him he was in charge of the menu AND ALLL the COOKING. Told him, I will NOT HELP YOU WITH THIS. Onbce guests arrived, he refused to feed the FOUR CHILDREN in attendance and I had to back down
-hard words after that. seriously, I KNEW he would pull that bshit, I nearly stayed away from home til 4pm just so I would not conscripted into being an unwilling sious chef
-school registration stuff = panic, hurry and resentment
-coven stupidity is bad. gratuitous coven bullshit is worse. watching your sister-women lose their grip on relaity is the worst
-then having that sister-woman throw an entire store full of shoes at you…suck-tacular. “I know you devoted 6 hours to my project, but I expected MORE and YOU ABANDONED ME.” also, the pressure to pick up all of her shit because she is demanding that it’s not her stuff but mine.
the Good:
-my friend M visiting! this is becoming an august tradition
-beautiful warm weather
-my apple tree has apples! we ate one!
-good to see friends, ours, the kids etc
-feeling stuck on the writing and pushed and finished a thing and feel empowered to move onto other stuff
-PAINTED
-moving! pilates, yoga, Flailing. all good
-went to Unity Yoga for the first time since the surgery. perfect theme, even if I hit the wall too soon
-mental health day! playing hookey on monday put back everythign depleted on fri, sat and sun
-lots of lil tasks and details finished
-finally finished oldest kid’s room re-vammp: less stuff, more space, better study area. Organziation is a challenge for her, so this was very good
-reading good books
-Elvis Costello “Secret, Profane and Sugar Cane” (fairground stripper music to a T!)
-hard words leading to both Light and Heat
-far less yelling, altho sometimes i did lose my cool
-discovering lots of Hidden Giftsn for the Future and andother things I want/need are possible. Like, maybe the coven is not ready for an overnite, but why I dont rent the cabin for mYSELF and go there with my laptop, my journal and just be there on my own?? The fact I’m even contemplating this is BIG
-in the meantime, making plans for a massage, a facial, weird body stuff and yes, wy not a nice expensive haircut downtown at a place that is not SUpercuts.
-lots of clews and stoen skippings and despite my profound stuckness at the very edge of Completely Memorizinf All of Level One, even some soft gentle epiphanies.