Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
It’s Friday!
Somehow. Hi.
What worked?
Tiny changes that are actually big changes.
I suddenly remembered again that transforming space (internal or external, doesn’t matter) changes everything.
And then I was able to let small changes become big changes.
Found a new (but it’s actually old, I’ve had this for years!) cover for the couch in my kitchen, and now everything is beautiful! And red!
Gave everything at the Playground a new home.
Got rid of clothing that is not fun to wear.
Remembered to breathe COURAGE and radiate COURAGE.
And everything started changing. It was incredible.
What’s extra-funny is that this was the actually the theme of my secret proxy project from my Crossing the Line retreat.
Flowers.
Yet again, flowers made everything better this week.
When things stopped working, I added flowers.
There will be magical voyages! It is decided.
I had to go to the DMV and I did not want to go to the DMV.
So I used the wonderful thing that is renaming everything, and now DMV stands for Department of Magical Voyages. If you’re in Europe and wondering what I’m talking about, the DMV is actually the Department of Motor Vehicles.
I did not actually think that magical or voyage-ey things would happen there, but it was a way to play.
On the way I looked for clews. And found one!
And then while I was there I told everyone there about we were there for magical voyages because look it’s the department of magical voyages, and then they helped me look for clews. Except for the ones who thought I was crazy. They left me alone. Which was also good.
And then! GET THIS. An actual magical/unlikely thing happened.
I told the man working there about the magical voyages and he was delighted. And then blah blah paperwork-paperwork. Until it turned out that they had raised the cost of the thing I was there to do and I was one dollar short.
And then he gave me a dollar. From his pocket.
A person, who works at the DMV, a place where people are known for being horrible, went out of his way, way out of his way, to help me, because I was there for a magical voyage. This is blowing my mind. I would like cheering and general excitement!
Next time I might…
I want to build in more recovery time.
I said this last week and I will probably keep saying it forever.
Remember (sooner) that Nothing Is Wrong. Everything is okay.
Whenever I remembered this, things were good.
Whenever I forgot this, things were tense.
Tell people about stuff that is for sale, silly.
I forgot to tell the list about the Gwish Kit, and now we’re almost out and I have to find out if there is a way we can order more (if that’s even possible?) because I feel bad.
And all the monsters are going on about how I always forget to tell people things and how it should have been on a stupid checklist, doom, everyone will hate me.
But monsters aside (I talked things out with them, they just want me to be adored but they forget to tell me nicely), I seriously need to remember to tell people things.
The hard.
- Fear. Fear and sadness. Stuff about THEN and how hard it was THEN, and ways that now is reminding me of then even though yes, of course, now is not then.
- People I love are far away.
- My friend that is yoga and I stopped talking to each other for a few days and we were distant and I missed my friend.
- Pain.
- Lost my notebook! Sadface mouse Havi.
- Waiting in lines.
- That thing that happens in winter when I get so tired that I can’t think of anything but sleep but then I can’t bear to nap because I WILL MISS OUT ON ALL THE DAYLIGHT FOREVER.
- The end of a friendship. Throughout these hard weeks of trying to clear up the misunderstanding, I held out hope that we would be able to bridge this. And while this person has agreed to a more calm, amicable solution, there is so much mutual sadness and disappointment, and we are going separate ways.
- Being offered an olive branch but not trusting it.
- Reconfiguring. Everything changes.
- Making changes.
- Saying goodbyes.
- Not able to talk about the goodbyes yet.
- Things unresolved.
- Things not yet done.
- People I care about deep in anxiety.
- Gaza. Be’er Sheva. The whole damn thing. My heart my heart my heart.
The good.
- Yoga came back to me and I came back to yoga and we were never really apart.
- I have a playmate and we play and play and play with words. With all the words.
- Lots of big decorative and design changes at the Playground: everything is moving and shifting, and it is the right time for this and it feels really good.
- Baked potatoes. Warm wintry stews.
- I got the response to the hardest letter, and while it wasn’t what I wanted, it also wasn’t the thing I was afraid would happen. It’s over, and over is good.
- Yoga by candlelight next to the fireplace.
- The following sentence: “I am going to serenade the pants right off you.”
- Slowly-slowly-slowly starting to feel like a gazelle again. Able to dance again.
- My missing notebook! It returned to me! Incredible.
- Rewrote the shop page.
- Reconfigured the shiva nata website. This was much more hard than good but it was important and needed to be done, so I want ALL THE POINTS for doing it..
- Had a long talk with my favorite uncle and he understood about all the hard things and everything was better.
- THE GWISH KIT! I am enthralled with this year’s Gwish Kit. Full-on adoration.
- On Wednesday I woke up and I wanted to be doing again. That was amazing. I mean, doing stuff was amazing, but *wanting* to be doing. I have been waiting for this.
- I wrote a blog post. Ha. See, monsters?
- I got this app called Paperless because Briana recommended it, and ohmygod I am so crazy in love with it. Head over heels. Paperless + Havi forever. I am carving hearts into the internet. You guys! <3
- Thursday was Puttering Day, and Puttering Day was exactly what I needed.
- Small changes turned into big changes.
- I had a big realization/understanding/idea and it is a very promising one.
- Did a thing that I promised (months ago!) that I would do for slightly future me, and it felt really good.
- Presence. And courage.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of All That Is Mine Comes Back To Me.
The superpower of Incremental Progress. Remembering that steps matter. Tiny mini-incrementlets count too. I lost this one for a few days and then I remembered it again.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of remembering about fractal flowers, and activating them by thinking about them!
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band comes to you courtesy of … my monsters.
It’s called:
This Is A Disaster.
They’re loud and break stuff, and they also have a couple slow ballads in there somewhere if you wait long enough.
Though, of course, yes. Yes. As it turns out, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
Seriously. Get the Gwish Kit. The Gwish Kit! I recommend.
Eventually I will maybe write some copy about why this is a big deal. In the meantime, go see the Gwish Kit. It’s right here.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Oh, cheek-on. This week was kind of a rollercoaster.
The hard
We still don’t know about my wife’s internships and thus where we’re moving next summer. And everyone keeps asking us if we know yet. Nooooo! We do not!
I’m wiped out from seeing the US Gymastics team exhibition last night. My brain is foggy. I have no focus or motivation.
Our landlady wants to come by and see some things that need to get fixed, but I so don’t want anyone in my house right now.
Thanksgiving! Is less than a week away! I am not prepared!
Temperature hell. Monday it was too hot to even be in the office, and since then I’ve had to drink gallons of herbal tea every day to stay reasonably unfrozen.
The good
The US Gymnastics team is really awesome. The exhibition was cheesy and pretty and I loved it.
I found a theme song!
Most of the week I had motivation and energy, which is a nice change from months of feeling run over.
I’ve been sleeping great since the Crossing. Except last night. But in general, really great sleeping.
Morning routine has felt robust and supportive.
What I’d like to plant for next week
Keep morning routine! Every day! And don’t make any 7:30 doctor’s appointments, for the love of everything holy.
Get a lot of rest this weekend, even if it means spending tomorrow in bed watching Sherlock instead of continuing your fabulous idea. Self-care before everything.
Even more eating at home. Eating at home rocks.
Cheers, Chickeneers!
The Hard
– The Cold From Hell. It started Monday and has been getting worse all week. Right now, I’m supposed to be at the airport to fly to New Orleans to give a talk tomorrow. Instead I’m at home with a case of the miserables.
– I haven’t been this sick since fall 2008, which is when I stumbled upon The Fluent Self for the first time, which changed everything. Which was good, but it is annoying right now to find yourself destroyed in order to get clarity about something.
– Guilt about canceling class on Thursday
The Good
– tea and a panda bear blanket (panda bears on the blanket, not a blanket made of panda bears)
– lots of progress even among the stuck
– took a plunge and submitted some artwork for consideration for a local public library
Chicken!
The Hard:
– Oh I don’t know if I can describe this. Late pregnancy hormones and winter and my brain all combining into this weird spacey blissed out soup that is somehow also quite stressful? Because I can’t do anything, and what if I get INSANELY bored, but also I don’t want to do anything except be lying down in a dark room or sometimes watching a movie. It’d be fine if it meant she was coming right away, but that’s not what it means. How long how long how long how long?
– Knowing something and not letting myself know what I know. Which could be a really nice theme for the whole last nine months, actually. The knowledge is closer to the surface this time, but the monsters are still throwing a giant ruckus and shouting to drown it out.
– Having something to say and the words not arranging themselves correctly. It happened a LOT but was especially painful in my writing. And then I complained about it in a space that wasn’t safe and a bunch of well-meaning people told me it was no big deal and I was very annoyed. It’s a big deal to me.
– I got new clarity on my thing! And that clarity how far away it still feels, and how long I’ve known it was my thing, and how often I’ve veered off away from my thing for years and years. Lots of mourning there.
– Writing a love letter. And then going on a date. And how much it reminded me of then, and how much stretching I need to go through to become the person who does this.
The Good:
– The person I love who’s been struggling with an addiction since August (but also their whole life) just had a CRAZY breakthrough that made everything about their life better and now they’re giving up their addiction -from a place of understanding and compassion- which I didn’t even know was possible but it is and it’s amazing. I’M SO HAPPY FOR THEM! I’m so glad they stuck with it this whole time and didn’t just cut themselves off out of fear or self hate or anything. Which is what I would have done. But their way was so much better and deeper and more real.
– So many moments of bing this week and I’m not even sure why. Oh wait, because I’m being quiet and also meditating constantly and also doing lots of tantra. Duh. But anyways – the moments of bing just keep dropping into these quiet spaces and then some other big part of my life makes sense and I realize I can drop some unconscious habit or pattern that I wasn’t even necessarily trying to shift. Who knew destuckifying could feel so effortless?
– I am strengthening my connection to my thing. And I can feel it coming closer, even if it’s still a looooong way off yet. Even sadness is strengthening the connection.
– I wrote the really hard-to-write love letter and then I got to go on a date and confuse a mattress salesman and cuddle and all of this was very fun.
– Okay, so the mattress salesman? The whole mattress store? BEST PERSON/THING EVER. “I don’t sell you a mattress; I fit you for a mattress.” He sang us Christmas carols and accompanied himself on the piano and had a boar’s head on his wall with a jaunty hat and he knew so much about mattresses in that lovely obsessive way some people have about things. Why aren’t all businesses like that?
– Two hours at a house with a cat = two hours of Rhiannon following a cat around under and over furniture and forcing it to submit to many pettings.
– I went to the best live theater performance! So so so so good.
– I am ready for the baby to come. I am also, barring small monster freakouts, ready to wait another month (there’s a lot I’d enjoy about that, actually), but I am ready for her to come now. Things are as prepared as they need to be.
– I can’t really believe this but it seems to be true: It has been almost exactly 2 years since my first Rally, 2 years and 2 months since I changed my name, and 2 years minus a month since I dropped out of school. Every single thing in my life has changed in that time: inside and out. It is all so much more satisfying than I ever imagined it could be. Next time the monsters say anything about anything, I’m pointing to these last two years. “See? Everything is possible and insanely quickly, too.” I’m looking forward to the next two years.
Love, heart sighs, etc. 🙂
A thing that worked: Noticing and accepting when I was in a verrrrrrry slooooooowww energy mode, especially Toozday, the day of the new moon and the solar eclipse, and just allowing the energy to be what it was. Not pushing. Not despairing. Trusting.
A thing I might try next time: Opening up my cosmic toolkit and trying stuff, really trying stuff, gently and consciously, to help That Phone Call happen. Fairy wonder dust? Dark sunglasses? Monster flash mobs? Something’s gotta do the trick.
A hard thing: My daughter’s very prickly and self-critical lately, and it’s painful to witness.
A good thing: Family and friends are reaching out to offer support during the Wizard’s time of job-hunting. I am so grateful for this.
A superpower I had this week: The power of Playing and Singing All the Songs. Honestly, I forget what a phenomenal superpower this actually is. A visitor to one of my groups said, “You just know all those songs by heart?” Well, not exactly, but between mental memory and muscle memory and an excellent ear and a dash of chutzpah, I can usually find my way through.
A superpower I want next week: The Power to Bloom Wherever I’m Planted!
Oh, and yes, I know the entire catalog of This Is A Disaster — and sure enough, it always turns out to be just one monster.
Lighting a candle, sending love, and beginning my weekend…now.
Chicken chicken chicken!
The Hard
– Everything all cattywumpus. I respect Veterans, and the Day… but when my week starts on a Tuesday, I suddenly lose contact with my grounding.
— Exacerbated by The Boy having barking cough on Tuesday. No school, and sick. Ack.
– Hard hard angry client who did not want what I do, he wanted me to tell him what was most awesome about his work. But that’s not what I do (at least, not just what I do — I say awesome is awesome, and suggest work where I feel it’d be helpful.) So, I did what I do, and he threw a steel-toed boot at me. Sadmouse.
– Get complaint from BBB, which I think is from hard angry client. Turns out to be virus, which I then must completely tear apart my computer trying to extricate. (Grrrr, virus makers.)
– Reaaaaaaally behind on a deadline. Which needs a different name. Did we ever come up with a better name for that?
– Surprise! Half days for The Boy! Why would they print that so inhumanly small on the calendar? Bad parent monsters and Madly disorganized monsters square dance in glee.
– Surprise, pt 2! I forget an Important Date. Which brings up triggers. Sigh.
– Viruses! Not computer this time, but people! In which I get two vaccination shots and have sore arms. Bleh.
The Good
– Talking to the Wizard and making plans to walk the road. Yay, yay, yay.
– Used NVC and love with Hard Angry Client, and remembered that it’s not my stuff so don’t pick it up. Also, pointed to clearer policy so this isn’t necessarily repeated.
– I did things differently! So Boy’s sickness was shortened, and my patience didn’t completely evaporate.
– I made peace with the (thing instead of deadline.) And did a lot of other stuff in the meantime that I wanted to do, and which felt more right for the time.
– Self-forgiveness all over the place.
– Hanging with my writergirls! Love and lots of giggles! And GNOMES!!
– Oh, my God, am loving this book on change by the guys who wrote MADE TO STICK. Totally wonderful and I can see where it will be a life-changer.
Mwah! Much love, guys.
I rarely chicken, but this week, it seems to be a requirement.
I’ll start with the good. At the head of the table is where it belongs!
– I took myself on vacation. On what would have/could have been my honeymoon. I went alone and have discovered there has been an unexpected amount of honey! Sweet, precious, sticky alone time. And in Hawaii no less! I am so happy right now, chickening from the lanai of my beachfront condo, surrounded by waves and sun and palm trees.
– No worries. None. Zero.
– Fresh banana bread. My stomach hurts a little bit, but it’s so good. And healthy, right?
– I love a reason to send postcards!
– Warm ocean, sand, sun. Being.
– Reading A Prayer for Owen Meany for the umpteenth time and relishing every word. Laughing out loud, tearing up…I hate that it eventually ends.
– I started my book! Out of nowhere, the idea for it came, and I started writing. I feel so content having found a direction.
– Did I mention I am ridiculously happy? I’ve not been able to say that word – happy – in two or more years, maybe ever. It’s become my core, this happiness.
The not-so-great
– Headaches and neckaches most of the trip. Not horrible, but not pleasant.
– A painful 3-mile jog, which caused me serious doubt about running a half-marathon in May.
– Unexpected emotions – tears – channeling loss and grief and what could have been. Also of gratitude and pure joy and delight. Confusing but clear at the same time.
– Money. Just enough. Not enough. Getting organized. Budgeting. “I’m not good at this so why bother?” Blah.
I leave you with this: Aloha means ‘breath of life.’ Aloha is a way of living and treating each other with love and respect. Its deep meaning starts by teaching ourselves to love our own beings first and afterwards to spread the love to others. Live a life of Aloha.
Hard:
-A project turned out to be not-right for me. One that I’d chosen for myself, one that nobody but me was waiting to see me complete, but one that I’d pinned a lot of hope onto. So letting go of that project was hard.
-Until I realized that, there was a lot of avoidance.
-[Silent retreat]
Good:
-Letting go of the not-right project was the right thing to do, definitely. I feel free now.
-Finding a rhythm of not-avoiding-any-more and getting things done
-Trying Stuff
-The Decemberists singing in my headphones while I walked under the most intensely blue New England autumn sky
-Realizing things about the spiraling-relearning-process
-Being OK with the Fandom Project taking time to develop
-Finishing a purple shiny thing! In my Etsy shop and everything! Which I almost let slide into half-finished-forever status before remembering my gwish. Optimizing for finishing stuff (as opposed to making Everything Perfect before anything can happen) is super useful.
Have a gentle and glorious weekend, everyone 🙂
Chicken!! I have missed the chickens, so I am back… chickening.
The hard.
* Anxiety abound this week.
* Anger and the sense of Injustice around me.
~ both of these were about things on the news that I could do very little about
* O.H. went back to work after time-off. Adjustment taking a while.
* Driving, which I’ve never liked, has been okay… until Wednesday when I was terrified for my life. Panic. Fear. Tears.
* Things unresolved.
The good.
* My best friend in New York finally had internet and got to tell me she’s safe. And then we chatted for hours. <3
* I meditated. Only once, but that's once more than normal, lately.
* Re-discovering my love of learning languages, including about English
* Redesigned my website
* Hit the 50,000 word aim of National Novel Writing Month 14 days early. Hoping to finish the book (estimated 85000 words) by the 30th Nov.
* I made flapjacks!
* Got back onto some projects I've been neglecting.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of Being Passionate about the Welfare of Others.
The superpower of Incremental Progress, also. I wrote a little every day and suddenly I have 50000 words. When did THAT happen?
And a superpower I want next week:
The superpower of compassion to match my passion from this week. Rather than being upset by all the people suffering, I want to feel love and hope for them.
As always, thank you for providing this space, and have some extra points from me!
See, monsters? Sea monsters!
Wait, if Puff the Magic Dragon lives by the sea, is he a sea monster?
These are the things I think when I read the Chickens. It’s like just being here reminds me to be playful inside my own head.
I just wanted to say thanks for that. ♥
ALL THE POINTS for the Shiva Nata page! Hurrah! Also the dollar. I hope that guy gets a million sparklepoints also.
Things that worked:
*not worrying about how busy I’m going to be in the future (Helpful: three year asking me “What’s in the future?” Good question, kiddo.)
*saying thank you to everything
*being a careful mouse about commitments
*breathing into the so much of everything that is the world
*making notes in the Book of Me about the things that always happen in October
Next time, I might….
*try Shiva Nata (autocorrect wants that to be “Natter,” which makes an odd kind of sense because of how I live in Boston. Shiver Natter!)
*be curious about what would help me go outside when it’s only medium cold
The hard:
*Went away for the weekend, and anticipated everything that could be awful about it and then felt intimidated
*Although the weekend was actually good in many ways, there was a lot of high-energy chatter and I am super-sensitive to it because I am working on avoiding it, so that thing was hard and I felt like a tiny hysterical princess.
*Leaving the office was hard and then Google Maps lied to me and the traffic was gone and I could’ve left sooner!
*Forgot to do something. Hate forgetting things. Monsters have feelings on this also.
*Not enough spoons to get to the gym, even though it would’ve given me more spoons! Ridiculous pattern. Let’s be friends, gym!
*Did not go to bed and then was tired. Do not believe surprisedmouse who says this is surprising.
*Itchy, itchy, itchy. My skin has noticed it is winter!
The good:
*the weekend was way less awful than I feared! I drove with R and laughed the whole way. There was a shortage of passive-aggressive nonsense!
*two nights in a row at home. delightful.
*babysitting gig gets progressively more awesome because the kids both get progressively more awesome! Everybody wins.
*Wrote a piece to submit to a place I lovelovelovelovelove. Monsterfest, but also, excitedmouse!
A superpower I had: not buying my stuff. It’s like there is a magical buffer zone this week, and I have stuff, and it’s hard and all of that, but it’s not all-encompassing. I love this.
A superpower for the coming week: It’s Not About Me. Also, no itching!
Chickeneer cheers all around!
OMG all the changes to the shop and the shiva nata blog are gorgeous. Gorgeous, I say ! So congruent !! I cannot stop looking at them.
Also very excited for you to feel excited about ‘doing’ again. I have somehow been going through a similar thing this month/this period and it is such a relief after a few months of reconfiguring and percolating.
Specifically I loved this, which is so true and why don’t people talk about it all the time ?
“That thing that happens in winter when I get so tired that I can’t think of anything but sleep but then I can’t bear to nap because I WILL MISS OUT ON ALL THE DAYLIGHT FOREVER.”
<3
What a week! Ha, did I start my chicken that way also last week. (Goodness knows what’s happening to my sentence construction lately!)
So! This week!
The hard:
Weirdness with the part-time job that involved learning I wouldn’t be working this week on Saturday. Fear + pain + annoyance.
At the end of lovely date on Sunday, getting this terrible pain in my foot, which by Monday was so bad I could barely walk around my house.
Then having a massive ‘Then is Now’ moment of doom.
The good:
Holding a Pay What You Can party for the Radiance Kit to raise money for kitty dental surgery, and the amazing reponse.
Then the next day, learning that the rest of the money would also be taken care of. This time last week this seemed like an impossible miracle, and it happened with ease + beauty + simplicity.
So, mind blown about what is actually possible when my heart is open.
Lovely dates! Two in one week! With the same person. Squee!
Getting way, way less done this week than I intended to, and not freaking out about it. In fact, actually enjoying it and experiencing various things as a gift of spaciousness instead of all the dooms!
Kitty cat finished her course of antibiotics.
Oh my gosh, pretty much all the inspiration came to visit on Wednesday afternoon.
Hanging out with writer friends, and realising that I’ve gone to something long enough for it now to be super comfortable yet also always changing.
The foot thing is not then! And I worked out that warmth is the number one thing that helps, and now I have an awesome pair of purple legwarmers for bellydancing and a pair of pale pink fluffy slipper boots for around the house.
Bellydancing!
Epiphanies about my business! Playful discovery and finding secret turquoise doorways.
The thing I am remembering from this week, and the thing I would do differently again:
Remember that the way I think something is going to go or happen is quite probably 80% my projection, at the least. Which sometimes can be terrifying, but also magical + freeing.
And, love to all! xxx
Hi Havi
I’ve not posted on here before buy am a ‘lurker’ I think..follow the posts and lovin them.
As I saw those aweful shattering visions on tele of Gaza I thought of you. I know from your archives you spent time there (somewhere) and where you spend time you leave your heart..I hope you’re loved ones are safe..funny how just knowing someone who knows someone, makes this world a smaller place and things affect you differently.
Thanks for the posts…the words…the fun..
a little lurker in Australia
Sui
The Hard:
-CON crud: managed to catch whatever cooties were going around at the youth conference I attended
-shortened work week: took Monday off and then only had 4 days at work. My week always feels a bit off when a day goes missing.
The Good:
-CON: attended CON (youth CONference) with the teenagers from my church. The youth and adults had a blast. While it’s exhausting, due to lack of sleep, it’s really amazing.
-I taught my first workshop! I feel much more confident in my ability to do such a thing again.
Hi chickens.
I feel like starting with
the GOOD:
The best thing is that instead of cramming more work in I am admitting it is Friday and doing a chicken. This is kind of a revolution
Awareness/honoring that the number of hours I can actually work a day is very low. The shockingly low number I thought was true was proven true this week when I went over and suffered immediately.
Last chunk of book–monsters are not freaking out now, have gone through it, am in the process instead of in the frozen before process part, that is good, revising is happening, got through a nice chunk today in my allotted time limit.
EMDR. Support.
Early bedtimes 2 nights, very good.
Clear boundaries with (silent retreat) and it’s like “no big deal” is sort of actually happening with that.
And the big one, that I am still in shock by, is that the grid of white privilege/power whose thumb I find it really hard to escape on the east coast, for all of my life, feels LIFTED. This is continuing to be amazing and feels really weird, as new things feel like they are configuring where a frickin power grid used to be.
I spent eclipse day looking into another path my life might have taken had (silent retreat) not happened and realized that the way my time is is actually for the better, that I am designed solely for a classic writer’s day to day life and not an email/managing people life, anyway.
Less schedule-anarchist bombings seem to be happening naturally. New thing, I seem to be taking the melatonin automatically without effort at 730 every night. Mealtimes continue to be about the same times every day instead of forgotten and then low blood sugar craziness. It’s so nice.
Finally went to yin yoga after months of not going, somehow again I just magically didn’t make the choice of pushing to work more rather than stopping and going to class, it is totally new and a miracle.
Have a system so that where I am sleeping is okay and works and I don’t have to have all the housework perfect all the time.
The debt is getting paid, this is good, it feels sort of easier than I thought.
THE HARD
Massive energy spiral the day after I worked 2-3 hours more than my shockingly low limit. Could. Not. Move. All day.
Therefore less got done this week than would have been ideal (though this is okay, the okayness of this is new and really kind of amazing.)
There is a struggle at (silent retreat) with various things I wish I could fix but I can’t.
Ugh Thanksgiving/family next week, hm.
Food is a pain, it is hard to eat fully Weston A Price as I wish I could be, it’s a lot of cooking and shopping.
The toilet overflowed in a big way at my writing studio at the very moment I had to leave to be somewhere and I couldn’t stay to clean it up and the floor might be damaged. Sad.
Next week I might:
Not go to Thanksgiving and be honest that I need it to come to me instead.
Avoid the carbs that seem to create a 2am wakeup if I do go to bed early
Make sure I get to yin yoga again
Practice sticking with my shockingly low number of work hours. Or play with just doing 90 minutes more if I have them in me, not 2 hrs more.
Avoid perfection in the pages as I did today and just get it clarified enough to send off.
Happy lovely weekend xoxo
Helloooo, Havi I love checking in on your blog and being entertained and informed by your irrepressible creative flow and wisdom… and am still a fan. Also, the level of intelligence and authenticity of all your cohorts is impressive!
So, cool, instead of being the fly on the wall, I could participate. Why not give it a try, as you know, I love to play. and can’t wait to look at the new updated ShivaNata website.
so, here goes
The GOOD
I discovered that some of the foundational moves in Shiva Nata, such as the basic horizontal pattern is right out of Odissi Indian Dance. Same same, only with an aesthetic emphasis. This generated an ah ha moment that hasn’t stopped. . I love origins and am creating a space to honor them in my life.
I realized that my glorified storage room is actually the perfect healing studio for my work and I don’t have to drive all over town to do it. It has been so stuffed with stuff that needed to be sorted and is now in the process of being transformed into the sanctuary of my dreams overlooking the creek and the forest. It’s been here all along!
I took myself for a walk first thing 3 mornings in a row to get into the sunlight and move my energy, instead of staying in the redwood shade and feeling deprived of the view. What a difference
Warm fires, ginger and cinnamon tea,
awesome collaboration and support for my re- emerging work.
The HARD
Cold dark inertia. Dark. Only a sliver of sun or two on the property this time of year until the end of Feb or March. Bracing myself for another winter living in the redwoods.
Admitting I was physically and mentally exhausted and giving in to the inertia, rest.
Only hard until I gave into it.
Bruised my tailbone doing a crazy move in a yoga class I knew was not going to make my coccyx happy. Now It’s sore when I sit down in the wrong position.
The bombing in Gaza. I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you.
What can I do but Ho’oponopono ….
What worked?
Taking walks. Even though they didn’t magically fix everything, it still helped.
Breathing more.
Doing Entry, even when my monsters think it’s too late or that I have No Time.
Asking for help from safe sources.
Drawing and coloring and play play play.
Trying things that I had previously told myself I was no good at.
Things I might try next time:
More entry. A lot more.
Think of some way to feel and process my stuff without lashing out, and without getting into a funk
Rituals that I want, not just the ones people think I should do
Moar writing
The Hard:
There were piles of hard. I silent retreat.
The Good:
Even though I feel trapped, my situation and my emotions are temporary. They are just one part of me, they do not define me.
A payroll debacle was cleared up.
Lots of kindness from various sources.
Even though I often feel powerless, I am pretty happy with the choices I have been making where I do have a choice.
What worked this week:
Having a cold. Weirdly, this was the best thing that could have happened. Because I didn’t exceed my capacity of hospital time. I didn’t feel guilty about not being at the hospital with him all the time.
Not trusting the discharge planner and the weekend hospitalist. I hate that this is true but it worked for me. The constantly shifting plans didn’t upset me because I didn’t make any plans based on what they said was going to happen.
DrK approved the home remedies I’m using for my cold.
Many friends offered support, said to call them anytime, let them know what they could do to help – and I mostly didn’t take them up on the offers. Because sometimes taking them up on it takes more energy and effort than I have, and I need to be alone. Nevertheless, it is good to have that support and the possibility of calling on them.
What I might try next time:
Because there is likely to be a next time, all of the above is going into the Book of Me.
Important note: I don’t have to have a cold in order to respect my capacity.
What was hard:
MrB’s condition.
The decision to put him in rehab for a time.
He had a really high fever the day they transferred him and he has an infection, though they don’t know the site of the infection. That has happened before. And the new ulcer in his heel is showing signs of infection. Worries about what that means, fears of amputation, long-term wheelchair use, all of which has happened before.
Remembering that Now is Not Then. In this case, that is not necessarily a good thing.
My mother’s voice saying “Don’t borrow trouble.”
The Boomerang Boy sounding shaky on the phone when I tell him about his dad’s condition.
What was good:
A realization about my Thing, my Purpose, and What I Ought To Be Doing, and that I don’t have to BE more, DO more, or HAVE more. I am enough, I do enough, I have enough.
Our regular doctors. God bless them!
Sleeping a lot. Naps.
Trust.
Friendship.
Facebook to keep people updated about MrB.
Hot soup. Hot tea.
My classes.
Getting an emergency massage.
Pandora.
What was best: I still have MrB. Crying tears of gratitude for that.
Clucking quietly through the hards and goods, offering soothing things and quiet celebrations for all.
What worked this week?
– checklists for a demanding week schedule-wise, including a step-by-step absolutely no-brainer checklist for the busiest morning.
– approaching [silentretreat] in strength rather than in need. Different, not how I would choose to have most of these kind of interactions forever (would prefer the OPTION of being able to be vulnerableANDsafe). But for this week, it worked. It is possible. Good.
– noticing a shamestorm approaching and taking a ‘hmmm this is interesting information about how I work’ approach rather than believing the shamestories. The ShameStories are NEVER true.
Next time I might…
– more entry, more checklists. Make EVERY morning (and evening?) a no-brainer, seeing as my brain function aint there anyway at those times!
– make even more space for feelings I normally run and hide from, by taking an observational perspective. They are just words. They are just images. They are just sensations. They can be observed. They do not have to be believed. They only have power if IIIIII believe what they tell me. The choice to believe them is mine. Always. Radical responsibility. I am safe.
Hard stuff
– feeling a bit crowded. I’m definitely going to be one of those mothers who is VERY grateful when both kids are at school!!!!!!!!!!!
– Change. Transition. Passaging. Being expected (expecting myself?) to KEEP GOING in the midst of said change/transition/passage.
– Fatigue. See above!
– Oh My Gawd, I Have SO Much STUUUUUFFFF!!! Oh hooray an opportunity for growth….
– Change. Transition. Passaging.
Good stuff
+ Change. Transition. Passaging. As much respite as I have access to.
+ I have had enough energy to do everything in my busy week EVEN THOUGH all the Change stuff is happening too.
+ Sacred qualities. Attuning and invoking them. Bringing the ‘terrific idea’ of them into actual on paper hard copy reminders to have around the place. Wrapping form around intention. Creating the form makes space for the intention to fill into.
+ I dunno what I would have done this year if I hadn’t had access to the Floating Playground. It is amazing.
+ Ten days until I move into My Own Place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Superpowers
This week’s: Superpowers of Energy and Getting Stuff Ddone. Also superpowers of Containing The Emotional Vortex – the feelings are there, and I am here. I am feeling them and also separate from them. It is a good superpower. KEEPING THAT ONE!
Next week: Superpower of Finding Things (especially people in their stuff) Amusing and Endearing.
xxxx
Check in! (The people at our DMV, called the RMV, are always super nice and let you fix your hair for the photos. I think they have retrained them.)
The Hard:
Assistant is stressed and upset about things. Things I can’t change.
Right eye is still fuzzy. Trying to take good care of it, but still, fuzzy. Being patient with it. Please un-fuzz.
Standing on the Precipice of Pity. I thought I was in a downward spiral of pity, but really I’m standing at the edge, looking at the pity swirling and saying “oh yes there is that pity and the other kind of pity and that sad thing, too, oh yes” but I’m not jumping in. And I’m being careful not to play too close to the edge lest I fall in.
The Good:
Left eye is awesome!
Running is getting better.
I’m remembering to drink water today and i think my insides are thankful.
Friends and cake baking parties.
Coffee. Baking bread. Pie dough.
1. OMG – a GOOD DMV story? THIS CHEERS ME ABOUT HUMANITY and the WORLD! YAY!
2. You get ALL.THE.POINTS. for re-configuring the Shiva Nata site. Sparkle points!
3. “This is a Disaster” may be the BEST band.name.EVER!
I can’t wait until they tour my city. Can’t wait to buy their next album. Cannot wait to tell someone they are my new favorite band. Love.
Confetti and cheering for the magical materializations. 🙂
What worked:
* rubbing alcohol (de-schmutzing eye-pencil sharpener)
* putting on socks and extra shirts earlier
* going to bed earlier
Next time I might:
* use more paper clips (what am I hoarding them for!?)
* read the fine print first
* pack more pens (the one I had with me at the cafe needed to be trashed)
* wear a heavier jacket
Hard stuff:
* envy
* resentment
* budgets
* unconvinced my current asthma med is right for me
Good stuff:
* celebrating my sweetie’s birthday
* nudging more iguanas out the door
* lodgings for next trip all set
* earning my biomedical library card
Warm wishes to all y’all.
So much wisdom today in everyone’s comments! Keep it coming…
The hard:
Lurking presence of an iguana! What to do? I decided to ignore it, temporarily.
Creeping up on the holidays, my least favorite time of year.
Four years ago we had a terminally sick Roscoe Bunny (not an actual bunny). I still miss him, especially this time of year.
Missing: one large gray cashmere scarf that also doubled as a blanket. WHERE THE HECK IS IT? Fruitless repeated hunting is fruitless.
The good:
Setting aside time for myself, going alone to some professional development events and doing OK.
Less tired this week, thanks to discipline about bedtime.
Realizing I need a full 24 hours to recover from class nights is immensely helpful. PERMISSION FOR BRAIN TO NOT WORK OPTIMALLY during that time.
Received startling news late Friday that I will again be reorganized and have a new boss (TBD who) in the future. While I’m glad to leave behind my current unsatisfactory arrangement, this means more uncertainty, starting again, etc. The impact of this announcement is just starting to sink in. How will this affect my ongoing career metamorphosis? Lots of questions.
Reorganization means someone reasonable might help me with the iguana. Whew.
Full speed ahead to some days off!
I am cheering and generally excited about the magic that happened at the Dept. of Magical Voyages!!!
Chicken amnesty! (and ducking IN rather than out of this ritual)
What worked:
– Finding the midpoint between “doom-pain-forever” and “heroic-self-sacrificing.” I was sore some days, and feeling fine on others and everything was OK because I remembered to give permission.
– Force fields re-calibrated! I made a specific ask about this and then had a long chat with Erin and I have a bunch of new things to try that do not involve spikes.
Next time I’ll try:
– Going to bed ritual is still under observation. I’m going to try adding some things and changing the timing and see what happens.
– Continue to observe the patterns between me and [person]. Maybe not ignore the little voice that lets me know when things are getting too tangled.
The hard:
– I was sore and stiff most of the week. Also the pain seems to migrate around my body for reasons of its own. Ow.
– Cold! Even though I’m living in a climate that is 10-20 degrees warmer than where I have lived in the past (Hello, drafty farmhouse for 18 years. Hello, Montreal in January) I was FREEZING this week. Achy hands, achy feet. Oh, this pattern and all the stuff that comes clanking along behind it.
– Partner experiencing depressive crash, and taking out icky feelings on everyone in the house.
– Christmas season has arrived in the retail world. Cue my resentment of this holiday, and old grief/anger.
The good:
– My co-workers are the best! Lots of gentle support and checking-in, without any smothering or imposed expectations. <3
– Taking my day off to meander around town, and meeting new people in low-key settings. Discovering that it's getting easier to talk to strangers again, which is great.
– Yesterday I got to hug all the cute dogs and make a fuss of them, which made them happy, which then made THEIR people happy, and that made an otherwise dull, rainy day that much better.
– Started my trainer's certification this week! Yah!!
– Walked into a bookstore on a whim, and found the exact thing I didn't know I needed until I found it.
Superpower I had this week: Creating-Light-out-of-Dark
Superpower I want for this week: Mega-power of grounding and patience!
Invoking AMnesty yet again!
the Suck:
-resisting Exiting the Day. I’m doing better about bedtime but this pattern sucks
-hip pain
-still providing husband’s care, but now his patience for being kept waiting has waned. so providing all kinds of care while shoes are flying overhead.
-the overwhelming desire to tell my husband to Fuck Off sveeral times per day.
-giving into above desire not satisfiying, leads to more bullshit
-ongoing communication bullshit with husband
-ugh the tobacco smell and the whole bundle of impotence associated with it
-realizing after years of learning not to chase the cat and wanting the cat to want cuddles, i really dont care if i ever touch the cat again. it might be nice, but if not…shrug.
-feeling fat. my weight goes up and i’m eating very poorly
the Sparkle:
-more Movement!
-more strength
-despite challenges, moving thru bad feelings fairly quickly
-determined to find the joy in everyday. this has been helping
-being more open and receptive to my kids, trying to yell less and say Yes be creative more
-wore my new silk stockings and garters this weekend. wearing them now. a wonderful gift to me, part of Operation Natasha.
Chicken Amnesty! 🙂 I like it. Kind of sounds like a band…except it’s just one guy!
The hard:
-Coming home to the cold after a vacation in Hawaii. **Grumble, grumble, shiver, grumble.**
-My daughter got really, really sick and then her brother got less-sick a few days after she started feeling better while we were on vacation.
The good:
-I went on vacation and it was exactly what I needed.
-The kids got healthy in a few days and my husband and I traded sicky duty ever few hours so no one would miss too much vacation.
-I went on my first ever submarine ride and it was so much fun!!!
-I got to see and spend time with one of my favorite people of all time.
-No travel anxiety.
-I interviewed for and got a new job!!
The bard: 1 grumpy achey yecky too sleepy unsleepy 2 still bitter 3 unfun 4 still not doing the thing I need to do to be able to do the thing I want to do 5 lack of pretty nature experiences THE EASY / FUN / DONE 1 doing long awaited many times reminded things 2 having a surprise room makeover which I adore 3 music. Saves lives 4 playing 5 money + probability of more money 5 watching my little one slightly resist trying something new and then doing it anyway and falling right into being it and having it fit perfectly 6 being so nice and thoughtful to future me SUPERPOWERS not real sure about this one yet, but loving the idea of playing with it. For next week- crayoning and fabriking, and getting big heavy hard things done very quickly.