Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
I can’t believe we’re already at 42.* Apparently the answer to life, the universe and everything is chicken. Friday chicken. Not for eating, of course. Never mind. Back to me!
*42, you say? But wasn’t last week Friday Chicken #40? Yes, it was. As was the week before. Whoops. Anyway, here we are.
Okay. My week was seriously challenging and hard.
I met up with a lot of internal resistance and external crap and … yeah, there was just a lot of hard. Lots of feeling extremely bleargh and wondering why I do what I do.
So I must say that one of the really lovely things about this particular ritual is that writing this post brought me back to how much good there was too, which was cool.
The hard stuff
Feeling like dirt.
Ugh.
You probably already read about it but dirt dirt dirt.
YUCK.
As if existential angst weren’t bad enough …
On Sunday I gave the worst class I’ve ever taught.
And that’s including that awful, awful time in San Francisco when they put my workshop next door to the extremely loud African drumming class.
I choked. I bombed. I screwed up like I’ve never screwed up before.
And I know why, which is worse.
You know what happened? I let a chunk of external criticism wallop the hell out of me. And it absolutely paralyzed me. And I lost my confidence.
The craziest part? I’ve been teaching since I was fourteen years old. I have never lost my confidence while teaching. And it happened.
Of course, having a horrible headache and some not-very-fun stomach cramps made it worse, yes. But I gave a less-than-good class.
And I felt bad for everyone who took it. And I felt like dirt about it all week.
Then I gave another crappy class the next day. And it was really, really, really depressing.
Forgetting why I do this.
Thanks, existential crisis.
I got so down that I just could not remember why I do what I do.
Usually I’m walking around being all I’m on a mission from god, people … but for a couple of days this week the spark was elusive and tiny and not always there.
Scary. Really, really scary.
The good stuff
Remembering why I do this.
So I felt like dirt and then I went into the Kitchen Table and saw these amazing people helping each other destuckify with kindness and attentiveness and patience and love.
Using my concepts and techniques.
It just about knocked me over, it was so heartwarming and beautiful.
And it reminded me that even on the hardest, hardest days, I can’t possibly be as big as a screw-up as I think I am.
Amazing. Grace.
Hooray for The Fluent Self! Woot. Oh, yes. You heard me.
So my gentleman friend got offered a gig doing logo design stuff for Microsoft.
And he was able to turn them down because my business does well enough that he doesn’t have to take work that doesn’t make him jump up and down with glee and stuff.
Take that!
It feels really good.
Two new pirate hires.
I’ve added two more people to my wacky pirate team this week.
One is the wonderful Kelly Parkinson who is now my copy-editor pirate milkmaid.
This was our conversation:
Kelly: Why would you hire me? You’re a fantastic copywriter. You don’t need me.
Me: I hate the polishing. I need someone to polish. You’re the best there is.
Kelly: Cool! So … you want this to be a one-time thing or is this like, you call me when you’re out of milk and eggs and then I bring milk and eggs?
Me: Oh, milk and eggs. Definitely. Bring me milk and eggs.
Kelly: I mean, if you decide you want to go vegan for a month, that’s fine too. It’s not like I need to be constantly bringing milk and eggs.
Me: We’re out of milk. Get over here!
And then I hired ____________ (I’ve had a massive crush on her ever since she gave a brilliant class for my students) to be my new bookkeeper pirate monies lady.
She is the Keeper of the Treasure. She is the Reconciler of the Log.
We like her.
I heart Pistachio.
My class with @Pistachio on The Strategy of Not Being Strategic was so. much. fun.
It completely made everything better.
She’s a terrific teacher and just shines goodness and wonder. I love everything about her. What a pleasure!
And … the best thing that happened this week.
So I’m at this bar. And I’m holding a gigantic box with a bunch of ducks on it. Also there is an illustration of a duck sailing a pirate ship on it.
Because Fabeku (one of my Kitchen Table people) decided to send me an enormous package full of wacky pirate duck accoutrement.
Including (because he’s awesome) an especially fluffy pirate hat, an eye patch with a duck on it … and plenty of assorted booty.
But I didn’t know that yet because I hadn’t opened it yet.
Bartender: Whoah. What’s with the mysterious-looking duck package?
Me: Oh. I run a cult. It’s kind of a duck-centric … cult.
Bartender: Right on. Is it nefarious?
Me: It has been known to be. On occasion.
Bartender: Is it international?
Me: Indeed.
Bartender: Far out.
Every once in a while? I love my life.
And … STUISMS of the week.
Stu is my paranoid McCarthy-ist voice-to-text software who delights in torturing me misunderstanding me. I can’t stand him.
Anyway, the gems from this week, including Stu’s little acetyl moments:
- “from to your caucus” instead of come to your class
- “crime is swell” instead of Bye Michelle
- “got to love Seamount aptly” instead of that he loves you madly
And … for extra meta:
- “stew them as” …. instead of Stuisms
And … for extra depressing:
- “have these” instead of Havi’s
This refusing-to-say-my-name crap is actually starting to be a thing. I think he does it just to piss me off because we’ve been working together since like, January, so really, he should know my name by now.
But no. He will still insist on referring to me as Heidi, Harvey, Hailey, Havee, Hobby, Jaime and (his latest favorite) hubby before getting around to guessing right.
That’s it for me …
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious weekend. And a happy week to come.
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You make me smile. Thanks. And for the pirates, ducks and STU.
Enjoy the weekend. Spicy P
Dana Corey, Spicy Princesss last blog post..Leading a Team of Naughty Nymphettes
I’m starting to think you should turn the Stu-isms into a series of ringtones. REVENUE STREAM!!!!
Glad you’re walking through the blargh to the other side. Wish there was another way around it myself, but OH WELL.
My good, inspiring thing happened during your Sunday class! I was chatting with some people afterward and while I thought I wanted to know about writing some “pillar content”, what I really learned was what product people really wish I sold! It sparked a whole bunch of awesome epiphanies and creativity!
So thanks for the awesome opportunity!
Taras last blog post..Spring Manifesto
When can we expect Selma’s first worldwide indie-label record deal? First album? “Nefarious quack”, of course.
Your conversation with the bartender about your nefarious, International duck cult totally cracked me up.
And yay, Fabeku!
leahs last blog post..Interview with Bridgette Guerzon Mills
The Good: Havi Pirateness! Lord, I love your metaphors, woman!
The Hubby… making it work. Relying on each other while still finding space for myself.
Me… still making it. Good job, me!
The Hard: Difficult situations that I can’t put on my Fix-It hat for. Learning to know when to help is HARD!
Havi, I was in both your classes–last Sunday and Monday–and found them both so very helpful. Not to get in the way of your “Aaaargh, dirt!”, but just to offer a participant’s perspective. 🙂
My good this week flowed directly from your Monday teleclass, and assorted other Havi-and-Selma goodnesses:
I had a long conversation with Cairene of Third Hand Works (thank you for recommending her!), and am putting into place a work schedule that is organic, flexible, yet structured enough to support me and my business effectively. Hooray!
Cairene suggested that I block off time in my schedule now for the classes I want to teach this fall. Then use that time to work on reshaping curriculum and preparing the class content. Brilliant!
My wonderful rehab-exercise therapist came to my home again this week and gave me a new set of exercises to do. My hip and leg are so much stronger.
I wrote two blog posts this week. Thanks for nudging/cajoling/inviting me to blog, and for your blogging therapy class, which helped me get over those pre-conception belly flip-flops over blogging. 🙂
My completely wonderful son came over and helped me talk through my to-do/can-do/don’t-wanna-do list. More than half of which is now Done! The power of loving support.
My hard this week:
Finding a new relationship to boundaries.
Hiro Bogas last blog post..Stuff and Nonsense
thanks for this week… a lot of people within me and around me also suffered from ‘the dirt’. and you put it out there and i loved that!
because you have the awesome way with words and you put your dirt and your monsters out there for me to relate to, so then i can then put my dirt and monsters out there and walk away, or deal, or whimper.
amy goetzs last blog post..stop talking now
Quite a few years ago, when voice-recognition software first came on the market, I was doing tech support at a small college in the trees. One of our faculty was a really cool guy with only one arm. (Well, he would have been cool with two arms, but only had one. Childhood accident, which he loved to tell with lots of blood and gore.)
The University purchased some VERY EXPENSIVE speech-to-text software for him and assigned me to make it work. We struggled for days to make it happen, and — just like “HAVI” — there were words that it just wouldn’t understand no matter what we did.
One day, in total defeat, I was reading the really-thick-manual that came with it. I discovered that I could “teach” the program that a sound — any sound — was a specific word. So just for fun, I went made an embarrassing noise into the microphone and entered the name of the Dean of the college.
The next time we had a learning session, I demonstrated this little technique — and before I knew it, my one-armed student had assigned all manner of verbal sound effects for different people, places and concepts.
My only warning is that you’re careful that people never, ever hear what noise you’ve assigned to them…
Dick Carlsons last blog post..Turns Out That Great Content Grows Your “Google Authority”!
Wow…after reading about your care package and the awesome conversation you had with that bartender, I totally have duck envy!
I so look forward to the Friday Check-in. Scratch that, I look forward to ALL your posts.
The hard – it was the week between out of town trips so too much work was stuffed into too little time. I’m drained. It’s Friday afternoon. I’m meeting up with high school friends (30 years in my past). I’m don’t have my game face on. Really, truly desire to go home and go to bed. High school was not a good time in my life. Not sure I want to revisit certain memories. And did I mention I’m tired?
The good – had my interview for the doctoral program yesterday. REALLY liked the vision and energy that the new program director brings. He felt GENUINE. I currently work for someone who likes to twist things around to make himself look good and put down others. I got zinged in my performance review (I’ll probably be pissed about that until my dying days). So to meet someone who has passion, energy, concern for others and FEELS REAL was like a huge ray of hope in these rather dark days of late.
Happy Holiday weekend everyone!
@GadgetGirl – glad to hear that you got to meet someone GREAT with passion and energy. You deserve it after all you’ve been going through.
@Dick Carlson – oh you should hear what I say when I want Stu to say @techherding. 🙂
@amy g – mwah!
@Hiro – wow, that’s quite a week. Cairene is marvelous, isn’t she? Sounds like a great plan. I should do that too!
@R – I’m right there with you.
@communicatrix – hilarious. I think we should incorporate the Stuism ringtones into Nathan’s Nefarious Quack album somehow.
Hmm. I guess Nathan can manage Selma’s band and you can be the marketing whiz, a job which would mostly involve running around screaming REVENUE STREAM!
You guys rock. Having a place to check in at the end of it makes any week more bearable. BIG LOVE.
The scene at the bar is awesome! In the email you sent after the #notstrategy class, you wrote “you might want to start figuring out … what are your keys? Who is your duck? Except of course it won’t be keys and it won’t be a duck”, and now I think that I’d love for my own keys/duck thing to be something that’d have the potential to elicit such a cool conversation! Something to ponder…
Hmmm, I can’t find anything in particular in my week that begs to be chickened, so I’ll leave it at that. Have a great weekend, Havi!
Josianes last blog post..When life hands you lemons *and* makes the lemonade
Friday check-in – better late than never.
The Hard Stuff
-OMG I’m moving tomorrow and there’s so much stuff still left to pack and I’m not packing as quickly as I should be because I keep having to pause and stop hyperventilating. I’m really wishing I had a better handle on my anxiety issues this week. I feel like I’m about to pop and my jaw has started making a weird clicking noise.
-OMG why doesn’t my work just hire a new person already. I gave a ton of notice in order to avoid exactly this situation. If they don’t hire someone in time for me to teach them everything I know then my absence will hurt their fragile small business and just because I’m leaving at the end of next week doesn’t mean I don’t love them. I put 2 years of my life into their business and I don’t want all that work to go up in smoke.
-OMG I’m driving 9 hours this weekend with a neurotic cat in my car and then I have to drive back to San Diego to train the new person who hasn’t been hired yet. Aaaaahhhhhh! Eeeeeeepppp!!!
The Good Stuff
-My best friend is now a mother. Second baby in my circle of friends, but first one who was planned and wanted. The pictures made me teary-eyed.
-Work is finding me impossible to replace and wishing they had paid me better when I was there. (They should have, I’ve been working for peanuts because I’m a sentimental fool with a soft spot for idealistic small businesses.) This puts me in an excellent position to negotiate fair consultation rates for training the new person by conference call when I’m overseas. It also makes me feel very validated.
-The feminist book group I founded is going to survive my departure. The May meeting was fun, moving, and bittersweet all at the same time. It made me truly value the thing I created, even if I have to leave it behind.
-Wrote a blog post about Self-Forgiveness and released some of my toxic perfectionism. Very healing.
-Finally found my groove on Twitter, to the possible detriment of my productivity, but I’ve been having a lot of fun with it.
Have a great weekend, Havi! Your milk maid metaphor was awesome.
P.S. I adore your stuisms. I have to make sure I read them when my co-workers are at lunch or they’d look at me like I was crazy for literally chortling at my desk.
Keely H.s last blog post..Marketing for Writers
*hugs to you for your dirt and technical difficulties, whether with brain-tech or phone-tech*
I am once again going to alternate, because I enjoy that there’s always bonus good at the end, to end up making me smile.
The Hard:
Social networking is still social. I worry that I’m going to alienate people, because my just-right clients aren’t necessarily my just-right friends — not all my weird is for public consumption. Some of it is special bonus weird only my friends get to see!
The Good:
The group I’m meeting with is pretty understanding about the introvert thing when I make jokes about it, and generally quite nice. Also, several of them are prospects, of various levels of solidity. Like Jell-o, some of them need to set more before they will yield deliciousness.
The Hard:
Money is tight this week. Grah. Jell-o needs to set faster.
The Good:
Prospects! I have them. One is pretty solid, and needs following up on today, in fact. *reminds self to do so*
The Hard:
I lost a prospect this week, but, they might come back to me when their money becomes less tight. Money woes are the fresh pineapple in my Jell-o, man.
The Good:
Donuts! We have planned dinner of donuts and soda tonight, and so I had a nice healthy solid lunch to make up for it. But the sugar high will be EPIC. Then we’ll play Arkham Horror and get our geek on.
Big Pile of Bonus Good:
Got to see friends I don’t see much on Sunday. I got a pretty good compliment from a source so unexpected it took me about six hours to realize it was a compliment. My cats are still cuddly and happy, the weather is beautiful, and the Farmer’s Market has started back up. A friend took me out for dinner last night and we hung out and chatted and it was awesome, plus I have leftovers. Art projects are going well enough that I need to buy more (thankfully cheap) supplies for some mini-commissions.
So overall, money woes or not, life is pretty good!
Amy Crooks last blog post..5 Things to Know Before You Find a Designer
Oh golly. Is it that time again?
The bad: Another car accident in our family. No one was hurt, but my insurance company isn’t going to be happy. And we keep crashing my husband’s car, which throws us into unheaval because then I lend him MY car and I get the rental. Ugh.
The good: An outstanding invoice got paid! And I made some good progress work-wise this week.
And my baby graduates college tomorrow. Yeah!
Avonelle Lovhaugs last blog post..Why the scope creep monster doesn’t frighten me
I adore Fridays, and this little ritual is part of that love. Yay for building pirate ships full of good people! I want a pirate ship…
The hard:
– The mulching crew were not the brightest bulbs in the chandelier and managed to bury some of my good perennials while lovingly mulching around some rather noxious weeds. I ended up spending most of a day cleaning up after them, grumbling and cursing all the while.
– I’m behind on a couple of projects and just couldn’t dredge up the motivation to do anything about it.
The good:
– I got to relax in the shade with an iced tea while listening to the Nonstrategy call on speakerphone. Great call!
– Had dinner with a dear old friend on Wednesday. I love it when you can see someone infrequently and pick up right where you left off.
– Super-cheap perennial sale by some ladies in the next neighborhood over. Lots of great stuff for the yard.
– Slow but steady progress on making plans for taking my business to the next level.
Have a great weekend, everyone!
Lori Paximadiss last blog post..random bits
“I love my life.” I love hearing that and saying that.
Dave Thurstons last blog post..Coming Home
{{Havi}}
Sorry to hear you choking… and yet, and yet.. I choke every time I get up in front of a crowd. Sometimes even just a crowd of one. I feel for ya. And I envy you for usually being good with it. But this too shall pass. I’m guessing no one loved you and benefited from your you-ness any less.
Real quick: the good: ordered your Shiva Nata stuff. yay!
The hard: waiting for it…(my current blog.. obviously singing your praises…)
Ginas last blog post..Hot Buttered Epiphanies
Fast week, lots of stuff crammed in, which was both good and hard.
The Hard: running out of time before I ran out of week
The Good: finding out it didn’t matter, people still like me anyway. 🙂
Andis last blog post..Self Curating
addendum to the chicken:
today at the conference, every presenter talked about “Branding” yourself; I took a deep breath and reminded myself that “Right People” works for me 🙂 Happy weekend everyone!
Andis last blog post..Self Curating
Fabeku totally cracks me up 🙂
The Hard:
1. Wondering when the fruitloops I will get all my energy back. Wonder if I never really will, and that gentleness and balance might just be the thing I need.
The Good:
1. My love is totally hot. And at some point, this might get old, but eight years on, it’s not. And that’s hot.
2. Going to a flute playing workshop tomorrow! Weeeee!
Goddess Leonie | GoddessGuidebook.coms last blog post..World Scoop Alert: Interview with SARK
I keep reading this post (and the comments) for The Answer to life, the universe, and everything. The only thing I’ve gotten so far is that it probably involves ducks and acetyls (and possibly peanut butter although, for the life of me, I couldn’t tell you why).
Stu and Selma vie for my favorite demi-heroes. (And obviously you and Naomi are at the top of my heroines list.) Maybe Stu is here to teach you that some people will never completely understand you no matter how hard you try.
Life is too short and too important to be taken seriously. After all, in a few billion years there won’t be parking spaces here anyway…
Late here, but I really like this Friday chicken ritual, so here goes …
The hard: Coming to the realization that my relationship with my husband may never reach the depth and trust I would like (and he says he would like) if he isn’t willing to recognize/work on his own trauma issues that have been triggered by mine. Working on coming to acceptance with this.
I am *so sore* today after a really intense Rolfing session yesterday evening.
Realizing that working for a really terrific corporation in a not-much-fun job is still a job at a corporation, and there are limits on the level of terrificness any corporation of a certain size can manage.
Having yet another friend who just recently got laid off find a job, only to get laid off again.
The good: Having reached some level of acceptance (not complete, but close) about my marriage’s limits, my husband picked up and started reading a book I’ve asked him to read I don’t know how many times (so that we can have common vocabulary and reference points).
Intense Rolfing session was *absolutely awesome*–I could feel my ribcage “uncollapsing” as she worked!
The corporation may be, well, getting more and more “corporate” as people freak out about the economy, but the people I work with are great, and there is just a ton of creativity floating around that I get to soak up.
Today is the first Friday of “summer hours”, during which we can leave at 2 p.m. on Fridays ’til Labor Day. More *time*!!
Anna-Lizas last blog post..Pollyanna, Your Zombie Home Decorator
I’m going to relate something that happened this week that fully supports what Havi says about Twitter (which is really a tale about building a community & it’s just that Twitter is so perfect for that).
I found out that my band, The Snake Charmers, had received a nomination for a Houston Press Music Award for Best Blues Band. This is one of those beg-everybody-to-vote things, which I hate, but it meant something to me both on a professional and a personal level that we have a shot at a nomination. http://tr.im/m167
I didn’t even do all I could to get people to vote and we still got the nod, which is totally due to my Twitter friends who put us over the top.
So Thank You, Havi, for reinforcing in me the idea that it’s OK to call on my Right People to help me out once in a while.
And Thank You everybody who voted. I really can’t express what it means to me.
Kyeli made stew yesterday, and when we put the leftovers in the fridge I labeled the bowl “Stu”. (:
Paces last blog post..Community Update #1.5: So many “last chance!” things happening today, we missed a couple!
I’ve never done a Friday check-in before, but this post and these comments were too amazing not to. Had to laugh out loud at Dick Carlson’s story. And Stu ringtones. OMG.
The Good:
Well, of course, I AM the pirate milkmaid! Once in a while I might treat you to my specialty, ostrich egg omelets, which, as you already know, every pirate is entitled to on a) a bad day when other pirates have been too critical of them; or b) on their birthday. Also, on that day, every ducks is entitled to unlimited chocolate milk.
The Hard:
Just finished moving. That was made less hard by me finally giving in and hiring movers. Movers are SPECTACULAR! It’s like watching the circus take place in my own apartment! Now my stuff is in boxes everywhere and it feels anticlimactic to do all of this packing and moving and then to still not be anywhere close to done. Because now there is the junk removal and the cleanings. And the unpacking and the rearranging of furniture. Bleargh indeed!
Kelly
Havi, oh my god, thank you for sharing your crappy-class experience. I can’t tell you how much it means to know that you–YOU!–screw up at something you’ve been doing since you were 14. Holy mallard* does that give me a lot of permission to go out there and fall on my face a few times as I’m trying something I’ve never ever done before. Phew! I can fail and I’ll live! I might even be successful after I’m done failing. And then fail some more. And still be successful. Amazing.
*regards to Selma
Ok, I’m late but I still want to participate because, as you say in your post, it’s easy to get caught up in the bad and not necessarily remember how much good there was. So . . . .
The Bad: Divorce, divorce, divorce. Yup, that sums it up. And my 8 year old daughter and I are in Portland for awhile and we miss home. And her older sister. And our friends.
The Good: I really love Portland. I’ve made some good friends here in the last 2 months (and so has my daughter). The people are nice. People we meet invite us over for home cooked meals which is so cool. The air is clean. There’s lots and lots of green.
Another good – visiting Mount St. Helens on a beautiful sunny day and learning so much interesting stuff. And hiking. Did I mention how clean the air is here? Awesome.
Jessicas last blog post..The Pirate Queen strikes again