Who are ya calling chicken?
I don’t know why I call it a chicken instead of a check-in. Because I’m a huge dork. I can’t help it. It’s just funny. Apparently only to me, but it’s still funny.
Anyway, people keep giving me crap about it, so for the record, yes, of course I’m a vegetarian. Good grief. It’s not that kind of chicken.
It doesn’t get eaten. It gets checked. In.
Never mind.
The point is that every single Friday I talk about the hard stuff and the good stuff from my week. What was challenging and what was rewarding.
I try to do it in the least-cheesy and non-annoying way possible, which is hard because we are, after all, dealing with self-reflection. And now I’m going to do it for 2008, because a little symbolic closure never hurts.*
*Caveat: I quote the lovely Victoria here: “Unless, of course, Dec 31st turns out to be a really crappy day, in which case I will just drink more champagne.”
The hard stuff
My friend is still gone.
Finding out about my friend’s suicide still wins for the crappiest minute of the year.
If we’re hanging out awards here, I’ll also give it Hardest Thing About This Year Period and The Thing That Screwed Me Up The Most.
Oh levity, you are not working.
I don’t have words for how much this hurts or how much time in my day it gets, but it’s so damn hard. We still talk every day.
Though our conversations mostly consist of me yelling. Mostly “How could you leave my like this?” and “Come baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!” And then he says, “Oh honey, I can’t. You know I can’t.” And then I cry some more.
It’s just full of hard. And I don’t know when it’s going to be less hard, but not yet.
Related crap.
His death — or my experience of it — has put out all sorts of strange roots.
I had a fight with my best friend in Israel. She’s been the closest person to me in the world since I was nineteen and we’ve never even disagreed on anything.
And then I learned that she and my ex had agreed together (with what were really only the kindest of intentions) not to tell me about my friend’s death. Well, to put it off until I was “ready” to hear it. Or something like that.
We worked through it. A lot of words. A lot of love. The whole thing was completely upsetting though. And frightening.
And it’s driven a chunk of space between me and my ex, who is one of my favorite people in the world. That he waited until I came to Berlin to tell me in person, but then told me the evening before a weekend of solid teaching …
Three days in a row of leading workshops. Two a day. Two to three hours each. Did I mention that I teach these in German? All I remember is waiting for the pauses so I could go to the bathroom and resume crying.
I don’t get it. But it was a hard summer. What can I say.
Moving. Twice.
First we moved to Portland in March and then last month we made the move to our beloved Hoppy House. Both of these were good moves.
Good for the soul. Good for us. Only good.
But moving? A big, huge, disruptive, uprooting process full of hard. Hard hard hard.
Still in recovery mode. Also known as hibernation mode.
Growing pains. Ow ow ow.
My business did a lot of growing this year, which was mostly awesome. But we were definitely dealing with adolescence in all of its varied aspects of horribleness.
I went through a bunch of assistants this year while trying to figure out how to get better at running this thing and oh boy, is that a hard process.
I do still have the very-capable Peggy running all the back-end stuff (gott sei dank) but that just wasn’t enough.
Let’s just say that if I hadn’t found and hired Marissa (my brilliant personal assistant), which was the second smartest thing I did this year … I don’t even want to think about the kind of emotional breakdown I’d be going through right now.
That’s pretty much it for the hard, right? Right?
Oh, and a completely disastrous trip to visit my parents, during which — among other things — we had to have the “Nu? So why no grandchildren?” conversation three different times.
The good stuff
Teaching at the Berlin Yoga Festival.
I don’t even know where to start. First of all, my duck was on television. Also, Germans get way more excited about my wacky yoga brain training work than most people do here.
Also, teaching a hundred people? So much more fun than teaching twenty.
I thought I’d be nervous about having to deliver an hour-long lecture in German. Or about being interviewed for the evening news in German. Or about standing on a huge stage and deciding what the hell I was going to say … in German.
But it really wasn’t a big deal. Selma was a total superstar and everyone fell madly in love with her. And we were very funny together and made everyone laugh.
Unless of course they were laughing at my German. But either way it was a blast.
Berlin!
A whole month in my favorite city on earth!
Teaching great workshops. With a ton of amazing students. With yoga studios that don’t suck. Ahem, Portland.
Long afternoons drinking Carokaffee (fake coffee made with barley) in my favorite cafe.
Seeing all my friends! Lars and Andreas, Jackie, Keren, Martin, Tino and Salomea. Meeting old students. Meeting new students. Making new friends with some local journalists.
Walking through the city with my gentleman friend. It takes three days for our German to come back and then we’re home.
Can’t wait until next time!
Best. Class. Ever.
So while I was in Berlin my schedule was pretty packed. And in the middle of it all, Jackie asked if I’d do her a favor and teach a special class that she would organize for her top students who apparently wanted a serious ass-kicking.
These women are all extremely gifted professional dancers and choreographers from Spain and Argentina. So yeah, I’m basically teaching coordination techniques to the most coordinated people in the world.
I’ve been teaching Shiva Nata for more than four years and I’ve never had to work so hard as I did in those 90 minutes.
They were so good. And it was so hard to mess them up. Like, I was throwing Level 4 at them and they were following it. With legs. It was out of control.
Things that I haven’t been able to teach most of my students in years, they were picking up in minutes. By the end I finally had them all screwing it up completely, but man, it was work.
I was sore for a week. So so great.
Cutting down on live events.
This kind of started out as a “hard”.
Scheduling live teaching events in California had been my biggest timesuck of 2007. So when we moved to Oregon I hired a programs coordinator to set things up for me with local yoga studios and the like.
Should be easy, right? I’m the number two world expert in a form of yoga brain training that helps people use the body-mind connection to change their habits.
Oh, and it doubles as a crazy coordination technique that makes you strong, hot and really, really fit.
I’ve also taught all over the world, studied with super famous people, and lead super-fun habits-changing programs on things like Yoga for Procrastination and …
Blah blah blippity blah. No one was interested.
My programs coordinator was great. So was our marketing plan. Plus I gave her terrific copy, gorgeous and expensive promotional materials, references from here to Sunday … and nothing. No one wanted to work with me.
I know this isn’t sounding like a good thing at all. But the truth is that planning, promoting and teaching two live classes a month had been enormously draining.
And I’d been funneling money from the very successful side of my business (doing coaching and training here at The Fluent Self) into the big money hole that is the more yogified side of my business.
I’ve had so much more energy this year. And so much more fun. And so much more money. And I don’t have to deal with flakerooney yoga people.
Will I go back to teaching live? Oh, absolutely. And I have plans to lead some retreats of my own as well. But letting go of my need to put on events — third smartest thing I did this year!
Twitter!
Oh how I love Twitter!
If we don’t hang out there yet, say hi. I’m @havi.
I generally follow back people who chat with me there … and as long as you don’t talk about Starbucks, repeat everything Chris Brogan says, try to interest me in a conversation about your relationship with Jesus or have “mom” in your username, we’ll have a blast.
We have Hoppy House!
And yes, I’m still singing it to the tune of “I am Iron Man”.
If you didn’t read my personal ad and witness the miracle of the most perfect house in the world coming straight to me, you missed out. Go write a personal ad for whatever you’re needing.
At the very least it will make you feel better. And who knows.
Creating the Dissolve-o-Matic.
The thing I’m most proud of this year is putting the Procrastination Dissolve-o-Matic out into the world.
It was a ton of work — especially writing the damn book which completely took over a few months and nearly destroyed me* — but it was so, so, so worth it.
*Actually it was the trying not to respond to the “I hope you’re not procrastinating on writing your book about procrastination” jokes that nearly destroyed me … never again!
So you’re dying to know what the smartest thing I did this year was, right?
Starting this blog. Smartest by a lot.
From the very first post I had a feeling that this was a great idea.
This blog has allowed me to stop doing things I never liked anyway.
Like writing the noozletter. Not to mention all other forms of marketing, networking and various other annoying things that grownups are supposed to do.
It’s allowed me to out myself as a writer in the least scary way possible.
It’s resulted in some amazing and surprising friendships.
And best of all, I got to meet you. You and a ton of other bright, thoughtful, insightful, fun, kooky, interesting goofball characters with whom I totally identify.
I like you. So this is pretty great.
I have to go play the lentil game now.
Yes, the lentil game.
Also, my gentleman friend and I celebrate our anniversary tonight, so I still have one of the best parts of 2008 to look forward to. Let’s see … I predict … happy tears, good food and me winning at Boggle.
Oh, and my brother is moving in with us tomorrow, so 2009 is already looking like good times.
My duck and I wish for you whatever it is you need most, and send you all the support, strength, comfort and safety you need for a healthy, happy year. Love, love, love and more love.
Havi Brooks & Selma the Duck
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“or have ‘mom’ in your username”…that, right there is why I love you. Cracked. Me. Up.
I wish nothing but wonderful things for you in 2009 Havi. One of my little joys this year was discovering you. 🙂
Happy, happy to you and Selma!
Karen JLs last blog post..Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy from the Storyboard Blog!
Don’t you dare start repressing your dorky cheese! I love your chicken!
You didn’t give your traditional permission to join in this time, so of course, I will anyway. So there!
Hard stuff: new job, new house, losing my father to cancer, almost losing my wife on account of stuck related to above.
Good stuff: finding this wonderful goofy new blogger, working on my stuck, new baby girl, new career, my marriage going all phoenix-like and raising from the ashes better than it has ever been.
I forgot to invite you guys to join in. Wait, what’s that thing I always say?
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my (2008) ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your year?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious weekend. And a happy YEAR to come.
There. No I feel better.
@Andrew – thanks for sharing your hard and your good. Sorry about the hard (ugh) and cheering for you about the good. Amazing.
@Karen – I love you too, sweetheart. You’re one of the many neat people I got to meet this full-of-surprises year.
Does it mean I’m thoroughly evil that I nearly sent you the following Twitter?:
@havi, check out what Chris Brogan said at Starbucks today. Jesus is returning, you need to get on board! Love, @soccermom
bwhahahaha
What a tremendous and humbling shout-out, Havi. Made me cry. My cup runneth over. 🙂 Thank you–the gratitude is so totally a two-way street. (*dashes off to grab a tissue and do a simultaneous happy-cry happy-dance… what a sight*)
Umm, so you were completely right.
I was dying to know what your smartest move was this year. Seriously, I scrolled through the post to find it 😉
(I’m a cheater I know. Its like reading the last page of a mystery novel, but oh well.)
Hard stuff: Big scary frightening learning process. Nearly breaking up with sweetest guy in the world because of this scary frightening learning process (I wanted to run away.) Coping with still living at home. (Argghhh, frustrating.)
Smart, wonderful, good stuff: Umm, you? Duh. And finding this blog. Amazing.
New, supportive, fabulous, brilliant, gorgeous friends. This crazy learning process where day by day I get to be more of me. Finally starting a blog. Painting. Fun art stuff.
I cannot wait for 2009. Its going to be a sweet year. In fact, a year of non-sucking harmony (better explained in my blog haha.)
Havi and Selma – I hope you have the most wonderful year ever, in your new Hoppy House. So much love to you both, and everyone who hangs out here.
Lovely Havi, I’m so sorry for all your hard this year, and I’m so thrilled and happy for your good (AWESOME!) stuff. We’re all excited you started this blog so we can find you, too.
For me,
The Hard: Realizing that so many things in my life just weren’t working. Realizing that I had a pretty unhealthy relationship with my writing, this thing that I’m supposed to love, and be, yanno, DOING … AS A CAREER.
The Good: I’ve started to fix it. I has blog! It’s almost ridiculous that I started yesterday, but really, I just wanted to be able to say that I’ve been “giving it to you straight, since 2008.” Ahem. Okay, so I’m a dork. It’s all good.
Happy New Year in Hoppy House!
Diane Whiddon-Browns last blog post..Not So Resolute
@Christy – Oh, that’s hilarious. My system would probably have gone into too much shock to be able to process all the things I dislike on Twitter showing up at once.
I think if I had to come up with the ultimate Worst Tweet Ever it would probably have to be something like this …
RT @chrisbrogan: At Starbucks discussing how to properly evangelize Christian mommyblogging via Alltop, Magpie, Auto DMs and hashtags.
@Marissa – You have both saved and transformed my business. You may never leave me, ever. Just saying. MWAH!
@Sarah Marie – it’s totally going to be a great year. Hooray for non-sucking harmony. Same wishes back to you and a big hug. So happy we met!
Happy Almost New Year my dearest, dearest Havi,
Since I only found you relatively recently I didn’t realize that your friend committed suicide just this past year! I send lots and lots of sweet, sweet love to you and your raging, broken heart. I lost a friend to suicide a few years back and what I remember the most is the crazed yet numb bewilderment. How could they have done this???? And then I try and imagine the pain they must have been in to do such a thing and that makes it even worse. AAARGH!! It’s definitely one of the biggest hards I’ve ever gone through.
Yeah for all the good stuff masquerading as hard, like no more live events although I do hope that you put on some of your own Shiva Nata retreats at some point. I would love to come and be confused by you and Selma in person ( duckson?)
You know how much I love your goofball self. I feel like I’ve found a goofball soul sister in you. I totally relate the the Friday Chicken. I mean, what ELSE could you possibly call it?
And where oh where did you find the fabulous Marissa? She is competent and so sweet and loving and supportive. I want to change my appointment every day just to have the chance to interact with her!
Yeah for Twitter and Yeah for the blog and Yeah for the Dissolve-O- Matic. You have been one crazy, wild productive girl this year. And Mazeltov on all of your well deserved success!
My year- Good and hard- My first ever Wild Heart Expressive Arts Teacher Training program AND writing a teacher training manual. I know what you mean about something like that almost killing you. But so far I’m still alive.
Hard- Finding out I have cataracts ( I’m not THAT old for crying out loud), having difficult cataract surgery, finding out that I have as my Dr. put it “a unique physiology” that requires MORE surgeries. AAAAARGH again. At least i can see better out of one eye!
Good- my hubby ( that’s a constant good) , making more money than ever in this crazy economy, claiming myself more as a writer and finding you and this wonderful heart centered blogging community!
That’s it for now…
See ya next year!!
Love Much,
Chris
chris zydels last blog post..PAIN FREE CREATIVITY: YOU DON’T REALLY NEED TO SUFFER FOR YOUR ART
I love these posts. I’ve done a review of my year already but I think it boils down to:
The hard – all the parts where I was destitute and had no idea how I was going to make it through the next week.
The good – all the times I was dramatically rescued by some miracle or another. I also seriously fell in love, discovered this blog, and got my family back.
Joely Blacks last blog post..The pre-new year new year’s indecisiveness edition
Havi, before my guests show up for the evening I want to end the year right and say thank you for this wonderful, insightful, comfortable place you’ve created. I’ve been a silent but devoted reader here for several months and look forward to every post. (I discovered your blog and Naomi’s at the same time, but since she, the lucky *ahem* young lady, has been busy moving to England, I get to crush-out here more often.)
The Hard – my family of origin keeps following their decades-old patterns and keeps trying to get me to join the fun. Boundaries and obligations make uneasy bedfellows.
The Good – my husband and daughter, first as always. Your blogging therapy series gently reminding me to dust off that English degree. And gradually finding an audience for my artwork.
My fondest wishes to you for all good things in the new year, Havi.
Cheers!
Liz Grandmaisons last blog post..Maine Kantele Institute
Sweetest Havi, deep empathy and tender cradling for all the pain you feel about your friend’s suicide. And the way in which you found out about it. The rifts it has caused in your life. Wishing you blessings and gentle love around this hard, hard hard.
Yaaay and hooray, and joyful celebrations for all you’ve accomplished this year! The Procrastination Dissolvomatic. The Berlin yoga classes. This jewel of a blog. Your Hoppy House. Biggifying your business and spreading the light in all sorts of ways to so many people. Yaaaaay!!
The hard and happy things for me always blend together –two faces of the same Love that holds me no matter what. So. My sons’ father (my ex-husband) died this summer. Two weeks before my youngest’s wedding. I was able to be with him, to help him through the process, for which I’m so grateful. And he’s no longer here, which is both hard and happy. Because he was ill for a long time and died peacefully.
This year I launched my website. Took me months of agonizing, and more months to recover from creating it, but now it feels like solid ground beneath my feet, and I’m so grateful.
Attended Mark Silver’s retreat this fall, and new places opened up in my heart again.
Met you, and my heart expanded even wider. Discovered so much through knowing you–Dance of Shiva; this Fluent Self blog-haven; Twitter; lovely people. And your own shining self, for whom I’m so very grateful.
Oh, and I launched my blog! With so much support from so many beautiful people. (Thanks again to you!)
Had several visits this summer with my dear friend Dorothy Maclean, founder of Findhorn, 89-year-old mysticonaut, model for what a life of loving service can be.
Got given a big award for my writing by our national treasure–the Canada Council for the Arts–this spring. 🙂
Struggled with osteoarthritis in my hip all year. My external world shrank as walking became more and more difficult. My inner world opened as I surrendered to my vulnerability. And help and support came flowing in from unexpected directions.
So that’s my year. And you, my dear, are a shining star in the sky of it.
Wishing you and Richard a happy, happy anniversary! And so many bright blessings for 2009.
Love and hugs,
Hiro
Hiro Bogas last blog post..Creative Connection: Where’s Your Muse When the Baby’s Spitting Up at 3 am?
My anniversary with my significant-ex was new year’s eve, too. I have many happy memories of those evenings. I always hated new year’s eve, till it became our anniversary instead.
Happy anniversary.
The hard: living in a country with a language I barely spoke; a desperate, impossible passion; freaking out in the summer about where my life was going (though as a friend of mine once pointed out, I’ve lived in a perpetual state of mid-life crisis since I was a kid); living without my friends. Tango.
The good: far too much to list it all, really. Living the extraordinary. Coming to Portland and finding myself ‘home’. Discovering you, Naomi, and various other people and resources that have allowed my thinking about work and money to shift. Much growth. Tango.
Happy new year. Enjoy the lentil game.
Kates last blog post..Happy new year
Hardest thing? Lost my mom — even though I was lucky enough to have her until her 87th year, and lucky enough to know long in advance that she was going, and lucky enough to have a raft of great hospice folks who helped her go gently at home with her family.
Best thing? Moving 3000 miles across the country to South Carolina from Seattle (just a coincidence that I’m as far as possible from Selma while still being in the US, no fear of ducks here, no siree Bob, not me!)and finding that life can be very different and wonderful in the sunny slow lane.
Biggest challenge? Deciding what I want to be, in this new life. Retiring isn’t getting any easier, even though I do it every ten years or so. I wish there was someone very wise and sweet that could guide me as I struggled with these issues. Oh, well — I guess I’ll just drink myself into a stupor, again…
Best wishes to you all on whatever comes your way in the shiny new year.
Happy anniversary and Happy New Year, Havi! Like the others, you were (are) a bright star in my 2008. I’m so glad I found you. (And, to think I comment on the same blog as a friend of the founder of Findhorn! Wow.) I love being here.
Going back over the past year feels a bit like thinking about my childhood so I’ll just say, it wasn’t great. The Good: Finding you and a whole internet community, and my wonderfully challenging, confusing, warm, enlightening, close-friend/family-making, musical, trip to Cuba. The Bad: Surgery + complications. But being immobile DID lead me to you and other discoveries I’ve made on the net. I’m hoping to finally begin Shiva-ing now that I’m feeling better. Can hardly wait!. I’ve been told my brain works too much as it is so this could be dangerous. 😉
I wish you, Havi, and everyone here, a great 2009.
That’s a lot of stuff to get into a year. It’s funny, I think of you as having always been right here, you and Selma and the Procrastination Dissolv-O-Matic. It never occurs to me that you haven’t had the blog for years and years.
I know, about your friend. “Why did you leave us all here ON PURPOSE? I know you were facing the unbearable, but my friend, I would have faced it with you.” I know that dance. I don’t think there’s a way through it except to just sit with the feeling of your heart on fire. But you know that.
I can’t wait to see what you do with the next year. Give Selma a little happy-new-year kiss from me.
Sonia Simone | Remarkable Communications last blog post..Why This is the Best Time to Finally Break Free
“it doubles as a crazy coordination technique that makes you strong, hot and really, really fit.”
Why didn’t you say so before?! Now I really am tempted and shall be giving the starter pack some veeeerrrry serious consideration. Because being really, really fit is very important to me being able to do most of the things I love most…
So, hmmmmm, I think this may well go on my wish list to help me with my desires to i) include more yoga in my life and ii) notch up the level of fitness one more.
Some more epiphanies may well be an added bonus!!! 🙂
Wormys last blog post..Old Year Edition
Havi, I didn’t realize you did all that in ONE YEAR! It seems more like I’ve been reading this blog for years and years. You are so expressive and I am still kinda mute (can’t talk about grief easily) so I will jump right to..
My hardest: I have 2…sudden onset hearing loss accompanied by severe vertigo and panic. Has fully resolved thank goodness with minimal permanent hearing loss. No tumor, a virus, a relief.
Waiting for months and months hoping my daughter’s threatened pregnancy didn’t turn into another miscarriage (grief again).
My Best Thing (almost ever):
My first grandchild, a girl! December 17th. Absolutely healthy and vibrant, and also the most beautiful baby in the world.
My Biggest Challenge: Waiting. Waiting for her to be born, to be safe. Waiting now to see her besides on the computer (this spring hopefully). Getting back to my own work since I haven’t been because I’ve been consumed with waiting.
So I just read this again, after reading it last year, and I still can’t fathom why you would get hate mail for it!?!
People. Wtf.
<3 to you and Selma