So normally the Chicken happens every Friday when I write about the hard stuff and the good stuff from my week. And occasionally about zombies.
But mostly what was challenging and what was fabulous.
And I try to do it in the least-cheesy and non-annoying way possible, which is hard because we are, after all, dealing with self-reflection.
Last year I did a big crazy Chicken for 2008 (in a post which, interestingly, got me more hate mail than pretty much any other post ever) and I’m doing it again for 2009.
Because hey, a little symbolic closure never hurts.
And I re-quote our Victoria here: “Unless, of course, Dec 31st turns out to be a really crappy day, in which case I will just drink more champagne.”
Something kind of bizarre that I have to tell you about first.
While I was taking time to think back over the year and everything in it, there was no doubt in my mind about what stood out as the Hardest of the Hard and the Most Good of the Good.
The hardest was missing my friend who is dead. And at the top of the good was moving into Hoppy House and having space for myself for the first time in what seemed like forever.
Until I reread last year’s post and realized: wait, that was the hard and good from then.
Maybe because they were such monumental things for me that they have turned into giant trees. Or the Fernsehturm. You see them even from great distances.
But on to 2009. The time where we get to say “This. Now.”
The hard stuff
Pain. Lots and lots of pain.
The hurt arms.
The not being able to fix the hurt arms for months and months and months.
People not being able to stop giving well-meaning suggestions about the hurt arms that just resulted in ….
More annoyance and frustration about the hurt arms that didn’t respond to stuff that worked for other people but wasn’t working for me.
Having to work at quarter-capacity because of hurt arms. Which brings us to?
Financial stuff: crises, challenges and general ridiculousness.
You know, aside from having to work at quarter capacity and to hire other people to do my work for me. But also related.
LIke the thousands of dollars that went to acupuncture, healing remedies, software, consultations and whatever else was supposed to help the hurting arms stop hurting.
Or the three new Fluent Self products which were planned for the year and never happened thanks to the hurt-ey arms.
But also stuff like running programs that didn’t end up paying for themselves. Several of them.
Loaning a very large sum to someone who couldn’t pay it back. Or even apologize for not paying it back, which would have helped.
My annual teaching trip to Germany is usually a lovely contributor to general financial well-being, except that this year it was an enormous disaster in every possible way, but especially in a financial one.
Insane internet fame (yay) meant having to move all the websites to a new server, get new expensive-er hosting and bring an on-call tech expert on board.
Some other expensive medical stuff. And an entire month when sales just disappeared for absolutely no conceivable reason. Mercury in retrograde? I don’t know. But I’ve had enough. Seriously.
Being let down.
Trust stuff. Really hard trust stuff.
The jerks who have my mail being the least of these trust breakdowns.
And people trying to make friends in order to pitch me on stuff because my duck is famous. Ew.
Routines being tested. And just being kind of in-between. .
All the traveling and changes and in-between-nesses made it hard to stick with the things that are grounding.
Like daily yoga and Shiva Nata and morning walks with Selma and the gentleman friend.
It made it harder to feel at home in Hoppy House and harder to feel at home in myself. And was just generally distressing.
Are we at the good yet? Please say we are. Ah, yes. The good.
The good stuff
Routines that held despite all the traveling.
Like weekly bread-baking.
And yoga.
And writing every day.
Plus the gentleman friend and I took up swing dancing and wheeeeeeeeeeeeee I love it!
And yeah, the traveling.
Teaching is always more fun when you do it somewhere awesome. Learning too.
This year brought me and Selma and sometimes also the Gentleman Friend to Texas (well, Austin — twice!), North Carolina (also twice!), Tennessee, New Mexico, California (once to San Francisco and once to Sacramento), Alaska, Berlin, Copenhagen, Reykjavik and Vancouver.
Awesome.
Going on vacation, twice!
Even if both times were provoked by immanent emotional breakdown.
Totally counts.
Email sabbatical!
Changed my life.
Coming up with the pirate ship metaphor.
That solved a lot of stuff for me.
Once I knew it was a pirate ship, all sorts of things opened up.
Plus working with Cairene helped create strong, supportive systems to make sure the ship is sleek, fast and unstoppable.
The Right People thing.
It was cool. I really only worked with amazing clients this year.
Also finding the Right People to help me through the hard.
Especially Hiro, who helped me do some deep, wacky spiritual work that was exactly what I needed.
Selma and I went back to teaching more live events after a long hiatus.
And loved it.
Plus we taught at Jen’s Writer’s Retreat in Taos (we’ll be there again this year), which was so much fun.
Plus I got to meet a lot of Fluent Self-ey people in person. Hooray!
The Kitchen Table.
So many beautiful things happened there. What an astonishing experiment.
So much love.
I can still come up with 77 whole things that don’t completely suck.
And I did.
Oh, being internet famous. It makes stuff good.
I used to worry about saying no to things because hey, you need people to know about your thing.
This year I turned down what felt like a billion interview requests and related things, just because I didn’t feel like it. Being able to do that — knowing that I could — was really great.
Scheduled all of 2010 before it even started.
Now that’s something that’s never happened before. It’s a weird and wonderful feeling.
Saw a lot more of Portland.
Thanks to not being able to work.
Plus we got to know our neighbors (we have neighbors!) and really, really like them.
A big exciting development that I can’t tell you about yet.
Work-related, yes?
My gentleman friend was able to break up with all his clients.
Because The Fluent Self — even in a year of irritatingly stupid financial challenges — is still kicking ass.
We were in the New York Freaking Times.
Hard to believe that was exactly a year ago.
Went to my first business conference.
And wrote about it. And had fun. And decided never to have to go to one again.
Started respecting the “I don’t feel like it” .
And came up with the dammit list.
And made it a legitimate part of how we do things. Respecting my capacity. It’s a thing.
Self-sufficiency.
We did a lot of living out of our garden this year. Made our own bread, yogurt and cheese.
And learned about reach.
Almost every program I offered this year filled up within a day or two.
Some before I got around to even announcing their existence on the blog.
Which is why the events page now has a sneakified “find out first” list.
Plus I learned that it’s possible to work at quarter capacity and the ship still sails.
Stepped into the leadership thing.
In ways that were both unexpected and really comfortable.
I can’t believe I’m saying this but I really like it here.
Yet again, the good somehow outweighs the hard.
It’s weird because in my mind I am so completely ready to be done with this year of hard. It’s reassuring to remember that it wasn’t all tears and hiding under the bed.
Fell madly in love with the color orange, much to the surprise of anyone who knows me.
This slightly burnt, very sexy, loud pumpkin-ey orange. It’s making me happy.
Okay, 2009. I think we’re done here.
And yes. The best part — of course — was this blog and all of you.
Because I like you. And yes, that goes for my Beloved Lurkers too.
Wishing you all the support, strength, sovereignty, alliteration and safety you can stand for a seriously possibility-full 2010. Love, love, love and more love.
Havi Brooks & Selma the Duck
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You like us! You really like us! 🙂
I like you and Selma, and my fellow Chickeneers too, and have been so blessed to find you guys in the whole wild interwebs thing.
I was going to cut and paste my chicken from a Word document, but it crashed on me, so I blogged it instead.
The highlights are:
Hard
Ice storm, power out, yuck.
Almost got a job, didn’t.
Friends selling their work at giveaway prices. Mine coming back from the same shows.
Good
Books! Two came out this year w/my work in them.
Netflix! Dr Who streaming and I can watch and work.
Corita Kent and Charles and Ray Eames. Inspirational methods lead to sales.
Friends and family online. Yay Twitter bar and even the dread Facebook.
Lots of little things, like awards, and more publishing, and shows and being featured in the Annual Manual (they did a great job!)
More physical movement. Yay for walking and yoga and Shiva Nata.
And, I did not post this one, but feeling the world open up again, and coming out of my shell. I feel like Kevin in Home Alone when he ran out into the street yelling “You hear me, I’m not afraid any more”. Not that I won’t go running back in if there is a rumored psycho killer with a shovel on the sidewalk. 😉
So thank you for this great forum and a wonderful year.
.-= Andi´s last post … Chicken for New Years? Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! =-.
Havi (and duck),
So glad I found you – I like your style.
Happy New Year,
xoxo
.-= Vicki´s last post … Happy New Year =-.
Oh, what a year it has been!
The Bad:
1-Money, money, and more money problems!
2-Internet purgatory: I still can’t believe how hard it is to have the Internet being so slow and yet so expensive at the same time. Aargh: Can’t get stuff done!
3-Anger issues: Been angry a lot this last quarter–nuf said!
4-Pain: sciatica does hurt! And when it last 3 months, it’s no fun…
The Good:
1-An incredibly wonderful family.
2-The Kitchen Table: Let’s just say it has changed my life.
3-Learning to do things slowly, carefully, with lots of awareness, because of the pain, and keeping that awareness and care and slowness after the pain is gone.
4-Having met Havi and seen first hand the power of rituals (thanks, Havi!)
5-A sense that I am on the verge of more groundedness and sovereignty (thanks again, Havi!) and positive change in my life, a sense of 2010 going to be a defining moment for me (I am not psychic: It just what has been coming up lately during shavasana after Shiva Nata).
Best of 2010 to all the Fluent Selfers!
Happy! New!
My year has been so shaped, in the best way, by my stumbling across you (and Jen and Naomi) in 2008. Thank you for, you know, doing your thing.
Ooh, the last chicken of the year!
The hard:
– Getting kicked out of the US. Though I think it turned out to be a good thing, in the long run. Tricksy universe.
– *Still* not knowing what my thing was.
– Money. Oy. Running out of it, and trying to acquire more.
– Not seeing nearly enough of the people I love.
– Having to temporarily stop tangoing in the interests of building my business.
The good:
– Encountering the concept of Renaissance Soul and realising that it’s ok that I don’t know what my thing is, because I probably don’t even *have* a single thing.
– Learning about business, and discovering it’s actually quite fun. I like learning. Learning=play.
– Starting to actually earn money for myself, in a kind of methodical, ‘real’ business kind of way.
– Discovering that people are nice. Who knew?
– The KT, and all its lovely inhabitants.
– Going to Hawaii. Probably not the wisest decision I ever made in financial terms, but so worth it in all others.
– Being back in lodge. That was the only thing I missed during my travels.
And I think I’d like to state some hopes and goals for 2010, too:
– More money, please! Would love to keep building on this business stuff and get to a point where I feel like there’s flow and freedom and genuine self-sufficiency.
– More people, please! I still have some destuckification to do in this area, of course, but it would be fab if I could continue letting the walls down and start to become part of, well, the whole human network thing.
– More doing my things, please! I feel like I’m nearly at a point where I can start… um… sharing my ideas, and things. Ideas. I haz them.
– More tango, please! It’s the closest thing I have to a single thing, and I need to get back to it.
– More travel, please! It’s a thing, too.
Happy new, everyone!
Havi, wishing you and everyone else here the happiest of New Years!
Hard this year:
-One stands out above everything else, and that is the being convinced for months that I had a scary illness while going through ever-escalating series of tests and then being told, wait six months.
-Weird disappointments in people I am close to.
Wonderful:
-Money stuck unsticking. At last.
-Starting to write, and sketch, and learning to knit! So wonderful.
-The awareness of my, hmmm, mortality?, brought me back to myself. And I discovered that it is a good place to be, after all.
-Some people I am close to growing closer than ever. Really getting to know them. Yay!
-Finding this space and the people in it. Wonderful.
Going out to see live music tonight (rare for me). Going to close my eyes, block out the fear of judgment and dance my ass off.
Cheers!
.-= Emily´s last post … Blue Moon Dreamboard — Energy, Creativity and Movement in 2010 =-.
All the best for 2010 Havi. I only discovered your blog a few days ago and it has given me hope. Thanks a million.
Happy new year, Havi, Selma, Pirate Crew, and Chickeneers! May it be brimful of blessings and gorgeous new adventures.
This year’s hard:
Hip replacement surgery. Months of recovery. Lots of not-knowing how things were going to turn out at my (then) day job in publishing. Friends died. Unexpected losses and financial uncertainty.
This year’s good:
+ New hip is wonderful and I now walk without a cane!
+ Havi, and all the amazing learning, love and support she’s given me that made it possible for me to . . .
+ …quit my day job and to grow my business full-time.
+ The Kitchen Table and the incredible people there.
+ My newly redesigned website and its wonderful designer, Richard Miller.
+ Financial ease and flow.
+ Amazing clients.
+ My home, which remains the sanctuary of my heart.
+ My blog, which turned one year old last week.
+ This blog, and our little community here.
+ Twitter.
So much that was wonderful this year!
Love to you all,
Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Naming the Stars in the Sky =-.
2009 hard:
~ Money stuff – the bucking bronco of financial sobriety (after a lifetime of money drunk) happening just as the world and its money (and its training budgets) went bang.
~ the two friends I sms good morning to both leaving Singapore (ow, my heart).
~ brief brief health scare
~ almost drowning (though, that was kind of cool, too)
2009 good:
~ still married and happy after 10 years – wowza. Still getting closer and happier.
~ getting through money stuff, and maybe (tsu tsu tsu touch wood praypraypray) a little stability for 2010 and (maybemaybemaybe) getting into the black for the first time in, well, ever.
~ my (new) blog, and here, and permission, and getting closer to my thing, and my right people, and permission permission permission.
~ still sitting every morning
2010 please:
~ more financial independence, especially slowly growing towards more conflict resolution-y stuff, especially MORE SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS – cos it’s my favourite thing apart from singing
~ slimmer and quieter please – more at ease in my body (so more yoga/walking/shiva-ing)
~ time off every month to sing/play piano/ knit/ nap/ write/ hang out/ whatever.
***
Thanks Havi, and all you guys. I slept happy last night feeling the lurve from, well, here.
This, now.
Getting on a plane tomorrow, so see you in Singapore!
.-= Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last post … How to make sure you fight at Christmas =-.
This Chickening on Thursday feels SO weird. To have the yearly Chicken come the day before the weekly Chicken.
It’s like Thanksgiving. If you’re Jewish. Big festive meal Thursday doesn’t make sense because you’re just going to have another one the next day. Never mind.
Anyway. Hi! Happy end of one thing and beginning of another.
I love reading about everyone’s hard and good. It’s always reassuring to me the way that acknowledging the hard gives it room to stop hurting so much.
My first chicken post! (yay!)
The hard:
-lots of tension, ups and downs, feeling like a failure with my 2 teenage boys
-disentangling from a difficult client: VERY hard
-crazy ridiculous inner battles with body image
The good:
-Comitted to really fantastic certifcation program in relationship coaching
-No dip in clients despite economy (thank you all!)
-Finding Havi and Shiva Nata (perhaps the BEST)
-Finding the sweet spot with my boys and feeling redeemed a a mom!
-Taking spontaneous time off with my husband.
.-= Pearl Mattenson´s last post … 12.31.09 =-.
Havi, it’s been a real challenge getting to know you. This language you speak is wacky sometimes, but I hung in there and I’m grateful for the gift of persistence. I’ll take that AND my duppy into the new year.
Cheers, clueless style!
.-= Lydia, Clueless Crafter´s last post … Who Your Duppy? =-.
Ah, Chickeneers, I wish you much love for all the hard this year, and hugs and celebrations for all the good.
2009 hard:
Healing and working on my stuff which is harder/more painful than I ever realized it would be
People I love moving out of my life
Continual worry about the pup’s heart
There is more .. but those three things overshadow everything else
2009 good:
As ever, the pup
Havi, and the Fluent Self, and all the wonderful people in this community
Finding my thing
Practices that support me, like yoga and meditation and Shiva Nata
A new photo blog that feels like me
My home
Some very wonderful people
Finding the lavender field and the hot air balloon festival
The happiness at my sister’s wedding
Making a decision on how/when to follow my dreams
Strangely, it feels like I spent most of 2009 crying, but there was so so much good in it.
.-= Elizabeth´s last post … walking in a winter wonderland =-.
“Fell madly in love with the color orange, much to the surprise of anyone who knows me.”
The exact same thing happened to me this year! Which is weird because I look ill if I *wear* orange, but oh how I lust after it.
I kinda sorta already did a 2009 chicken in my blog-iversary post, so I won’t rehash.
Just know that I’m celebrating the good and sending hugs for the hard to each and every one of you! And may 2010 bring much joy, ease, abundance and sovereignty!
.-= Victoria Brouhard´s last post … Quitting the Man: 63 Days Since Freedom =-.
While I am not the one who borrowed money from you and didn’t apologize for not being able to return it…
I am one of the well-meaning people who suggested a “something” for your hurting arms earlier in 2009 and I apologize if my suggestion led to even the remotest type of suffering or frustration within you. I love you (and your arms). Please forgive me.
Thank you for being you and showing up in all the ways you do. I like knowing you’re here.
Chickeneers of the High Seas!
2009, what a strange year. What a tough year. Hoping 2010 is going to be very different.
The Hard:
Work has been so hard this year, so taxing, so tiring, so stressful.
Not knowing what to do about work, how to make a change, what to change, what direction to take.
Feeling immensely stuck about all of it.
A friend died, one of my parents’ oldest mates. I have been fortunate to have had more parenty-people in my life than just my actual parents. He was one of them.
The Good
Home, heart, love: My wife.
Spending good time with my little brother and sister and our goddaughter this year.
HMV Bretagne: drinking red wine and eating chicken while sailing to France.
Twitter, expanding a bit more into an online world and thinking about what I can do with it.
The Chicken: you all helped me get through the autumn, you really did. thanks.
2010?
Time to move forward, 2009 was way to stuck. Action!
Happy New Year Chickeneers, enjoy your Sylvester celebrations.
xxx
Lucy x
2009 Hard:
First full year in The South. Long way from friends and family, and the comfortable drizzle of the Northwest.
Wife loses the job we moved 3000 miles for her to get, then immediately is re-hired by the same folks for a much better position.
Many big clients go into hiding because of the economy.
Many small clients disappear entirely.
2009 Good:
Loving the sunshine and warm weather in The South. Making new friends.
Wife loves her new job and the challenges that come with it.
Finding some new clients, and broadening my scope to be more open to them.
Long walks with the puggies in the parks.
Camping at Thanksgiving in 74 degrees and sunshine.
.-= Dick Carlson´s last post … Is SEO DOA? Maybe Content Matters! =-.
And on to my Chickening – that I almost chickened out of doing…
The 2009 Hard
– Auto-immune & emotional issues that create ulcers inside my sweet little guts, colon, esophagus, and my mouth. Painful. Scary. Couldn’t eat or drink for several days. Require hospitalization. Felt helpless about ever figuring out how to make my immune system stop attacking itself.
– Missing working with kids SO MUCH. Feeling like I’m being very untrue to myself by sitting behind a computer as my work. Fantasizing about becoming a classroom teacher again – and then not doing it because of the pathetic pay that wouldn’t sustain me.
The 2009 Goodies
– Started a 100% raw food diet in Feb. More energy than ever and opened me up to a new relationship with myself and food that is totally awesome. Moods are way better and I still feel good after eating – no headaches and needing naps. Losing 50+ pounds was also pretty neat.
– Made a new best friend when she moved next door to me. I love her!
– Ran my first 5k (even though I had to limp in with a hurt knee, it was awesome!)
– New relationship with my inner child me and we have so much fun together now. Whee!
– 7 year anniversary with my Sweet Bee. xoxo
My theme for 2010 is EASE and I love it.
How do I love the chicken? So very many ways!
The Hard of 2009
–Realizing that no, we aren’t going to adopt, and probably we aren’t going to parent. Probably ever.
–My sister, meanwhile, had twins. On her own. Across town. Requiring lots of help and support and general family support.
–Financial brinksmanship because the Lovely Wife quit her day job to go back to school full time.
–Having some serious Empty Elevator Syndrome.
The Good of 2009
–I FOUND MY THING! I have a Thing! 34 years of aimlessness and thank GODDESS I found my Thing!
–My sister had twins! And they’re adorable and I love them.
–The Lovely Wife quit her day job and went back to school full time preperatory to going to seminary.
–I started a business. It’s still small, but it exists!
–Meeting my Memtrots, two dear and wonderful friends who are most decidedly On My Elevator.
–The Lovely Wife and I got legally married!
–I’ve gotten started on doing some old, deep work.
The Good I Hope For in 2010
–Excellent finances!
–More wonderful marriage.
–Thriving business
–Working through the old, hard stucknesses and darknesses.
–More Elevator people.
Finding this community was most definitely a Good for 2009, and I thank you all for being here!
Julie
.-= Julie´s last post … And the MLA Commences =-.
Dearest Havi,
Happy 2010 oh wondrous pirate queen!! And here’s hoping that this next year is filled with sheer, unadulterated, stress free goodness of the most DELICIOUS sort!!
My hard:
My body is getting OLD- Cataract surgery, months and months of dental procedures, ongoing sciatic pain, altitude sickness that now starts when I go any higher than 2,000 feet. I felt worn down, beat up, scared, sad and just DRAINED by all the ways my body no longer worked the way it did when I was younger.
And grief… big, big feelings of loss around the mountains, my teeth, my eyes.
The good:
My business was amazingly successful and I made more money this year than I ever have, which meant that I could comfortably AFFORD all of the hideous medical procedures.
I graduated my first crop of intuitive painting teacher trainees through my first ever teacher training program , started up my second group who are totally and amazingly awesome and have halfway filled the third group scheduled to begin in 2010.
I met some fabulous creative folks through the internet and feel like I’m now part of a wonderfully dynamic and creative online community.
Went on many more vacations to fabulous places ( the Oregon coast, Death Valley, Zion National Park, even saw some shows in las Vegas) with my sweet husband. Just generally had more FUN this year.
Made a much bigger commitment to myself as a writer and as a result my muse is just showering me with ideas and the ease of endless creative flow.
Amazing students, clients and colleagues.
New friends, old friends, collaboration on a much bigger scale.
A brandy new gorgeous website.
My retreat at Ghost Ranch this year was beyond magical.
Playing on twitter.
We’re having some remodeling done on the house that I have wanted in like FOREVER!!
Thanks 2009- and thanks to you, Havi , for all the love and kindness and dazzling wisdom ( that as often as not is sneakily expressed as astonishing goofy enchantment) that you bring into the world.
Big love,
Chris
.-= chris zydel´s last post … Hot Pink, 60’s Stoners and Dead Painting Masters =-.
Hello Chickeneers (some of whom are probably already in 2010 – what’s the future like?). New Year’s Eve by myself, a dream come true.
The hard:
– 12 months in a job that so wasn’t me and that consumed so much of my energy
– Shingles and several bouts of flue
– Feeling drained very often
– Stuckness regarding certain partnership and family issues
– Still searching for my thing
– Afraid of the fact that I can basically start from zero and that I potentially have endless opportunities
The good:
– Heart-warming times with friends
– Another week in the best yoga retreat ever
– Havi’s workshops in Berlin (so sorry, Havi, that they are on your hard list)
– Some smaller travels
– Having a great osteopath, a great kineologist and a great therapist
– This blog
– Knowing that I can basically start from zero and thatI potentially have endless opportunities
Have a wonderful 2010 all of you – may the year be filled with happiness about what you are doing, sunshine, colours, a strong sense of well-being, special people, good food and a perfect rhythm of connection and seclusion.(With the latter I am borrowing Hiro’s words). And whatever else you feel like adding.
Hey all,
One of the highlights of my year has been this blog and hearing everyone’s voices here!
Here’s my 2009 recap:
The Hard:
– Spending the entire year looking for a job.
– Stressing out over completing the dissertation.
– Frustrating miscommunication with landlords leading to blaming and discomfort.
– A friend’s abandonment. Not sure I’ll ever get over that one. No closure, no explanation, just cut out of her life. Ow, it hurts.
The Great:
– Finding a job! Being gainfully and employed and, for the first time in my life, having enough money to live on.
– Finishing the dissertation and defending successfully!
– Being in love with my gentleman friend, moving in with him, and making a home together.
– Enjoying new social work atmosphere and being hopeful to make new friends.
– My lovely pets, getting along and being cute.
– Keeping a healthy diet and working out regularly.
– My amazing friends who are family.
– Traveling somewhere tropical for a get-away with my lover and friends. So much fun!
– Visiting the rest of my friends who are family in California. Ahhh, coming home again is good for the soul.
– Travel to see other family as well — both mine and my gentleman friend’s.
It’s the Great Chicken, Charlie Brown!
(I’m relieved and grateful to know that there will still be a Friday Chicken, too.)
Hard this year:
-Messy, perpetual uphill struggles with my PhD program. At this point, I honestly don’t know what the end of that story will be, which is of course all part of the stress.
-Ongoing struggles with money management, resulting in never (never? yeah, I think never) feeling really safe and okay financially. Feeling like it’s All My Fault, and knowing that some if it really is.
-The loss of my last surviving grandparent this past August, just short of her 92nd birthday.
-A few situations (including the PhD and the finances) in which snowballs of procrastination became avalanches of AAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!
Good this year:
+Discovered you, Havi and Selma, and this whole beautiful Fluent Self community. I’d been aching to find some cool new wonderful Something to help me evolve and to give me new hope, and I have found it here. So so very very grateful grateful!! *eyes filling with cheesy tears, unashamedly*
+Engaged in many Not-So-Random Acts of Creativity this year: lots of singing and playing, writing, and acting (that is, reading aloud to my loved ones, but okay, so that is my current theatrical outlet, and I enjoy it to the hilt!)
+Have given of my best to my two life partners and my daughter, and have gained ever-growing clarity in knowing just how to give them my best, in all seasons, and through all the ups and downs.
+A wonderful opportunity fell into my lap, allowing me to re-structure my work schedule in a way that I believe will give me more balance and more income. (Come to think of it, an amazing lot of my work opportunities have fallen, seemingly from the sky, as gifts. *takes a moment to breathe in gratitude*)
Happy New Year! I have this image of Selma squeaking merrily at midnight — don’t know if it will really happen, but in my imagination, it will. A Sweet and Sovereign Silvester to one and all!
.-= Kathleen Avins @spiralsongkat´s last post … If blogging can be therapy, can it also be triage? =-.
@Kathleen – oh I’m so relieved to hear that! Because there was no way I was not chickening tomorrow. And I’d been kind of nervous that people would say enough already and then I’d feel bad. Phew. Tradition!
@Leocadia – I LOVE that I got to meet you in Berlin! And Inge! Selma does too. It was absolutely lovely. Best part of the trip.
@Mona – oh no need to feel bad sweetie! I know that everyone was wanting to help and be loving. It was just me getting overwhelmed by the rollercoaster of getting hopes up and then crashing. Totally my stuff. Kisses!
@Sanders – I got to meet yooooooooooooou! That was a huge plus.
And @Kate! I am so glad I got to see you in person before you had to leave the States.
Big love all around. Yay.
I am a little afraid of a yearly chicken, but all the rest of you have been brave so I think I can be too. Here we go:
The hard of 2009:
my big dream of going back to school to become an industrial designer failed miserably. i could not manage to produce the good work i am capable of and work a(necessary)full time job. I just don’t have it in me.I was also lied to about the real cost and could not afford to continue. SO HARD. crushing really to get a taste of what could be and have to leave it behind. This produced loads of self doubt/loathing that I am still fighting.
i gave up my art studio. and my piano. and my own apartment. all due to needing money. many many tears over these things.
lack of money. gave up a comfy salary to go back to school and now I can’t find work that pays enough to cover my monthly bills.
lots of dental work. no dental insurance for most of it. mom and dad gave financial help that they can’t afford to give. guilt.
found myself in an unhealthy, damaging relationship that also resulted in big conflict/distance/stress with my family.
The Good of 2009:
Discovered Havi and this wonderful amazing life changing blog/community. STUCKNESS, that word rocked my world and set me off on a productive, positive path. I am forever grateful!
Learned new ways of interacting with myself here. I am finding an internal voice again that was silenced when I made the break with my Extremely Religious self behind 8 years ago. learning to replace the constant dialog with Jesus/God with conversations with/inside myself. HUGE stuff for me.
Dipped my toes in the art community again. Got a (crappy) job at a creative agency, i’m convinced it is a step forward somehow. I’m making things again. yay!
Got out of the icky relationship and fell into an amazing and surprising one. feels very much like IT. the big one. the spend the rest of my life with him one. really. i’d say yes if he asked me today.
It seems 2009 started out tough but I steadily climbed up out of the ick. Here’s to hoping the momentum and progress continue. I feel like great things and big breakthroughs are in my near future. Yippee!!! Thank you SO SO SO SO much to all of you for being here and for being so inspiring and awesome. XOXOXO
I’ve spent the last two days reading many ‘thank you’ and ’round up’ posts about 2009. It’s been heart-warming, tearful, hopeful, bolstering, and a lot more. But what it hasn’t done is make me want to write my own. This has been such a horrible, horrible, horrible (I could go on) year it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about thinking about it.
I have a lot of people and presence (presents?) to be thankful for, including you dear Havi, but I wish I could write about the Good of ’09 without getting so close to the Really Hard.
I thought I had more, but that’s all I got.
Haven’t done the chicken in a while due to an insane semester. Feels good to do a wrap-up for the year:
The Hard:
– Losing our cat of 14+ years. Worst thing ever… Worse that losing my parents, sorry to say.
– Watching my husband struggle with the illness and then loss of our cat. He still hasn’t healed.
– Watching my boss make decisions that have nearly destroyed his professional career. There might be one last chance to salvage something, but I’m not sure if he is going to be “street-smart” enough to take it.
– Losing beloved residents where I work. I know it goes with the territory when you work with the elderly, but it never gets any easier. Never.
The Good:
– Taking one small step at a time to overcome my fears to apply and be accepted to a doctoral program!
– Learning that I really write better than I thought I did. And being in a “writing boot-camp” of a doctoral program has only refined my skills!
– Learning to face my fears and put personal ethics over job security when I had disclose information that contributed to my woes of my boss. If you remain silent when witnessing wrong-doing, then you are condoning that behavior. I could no longer live with myself if I didn’t speak up.
– Our two new shelter kitties who have brought joy back to my life. Nothing like watching a game of “whack the paws” to put things into perspective!
– My many friends and colleagues who have supported me though the difficult issues surrounding my boss
– Becoming reunited with my best friend from high school after 30 years! We now email daily and support each other in our insane lives!
Happy New Year! May 2010 be the best yet!
Happy chickeny new year to you, dear! Wishing you a lovely and sovereign and silly-blissful 2010.
.-= Sonia Simone´s last post … What Makes Marketing Hard? =-.
Wow…so much love, support and honesty. Realness. Love it. Thank you all for sharing. I just read each and every comment.
Ok…here goes. I didn’t think I was going to share (scared/shaking about what I might find) but now I feel led to. Have to.
My hard of 2009:
– moving out of a relationship that was not right and moving out of his house
-moving twice and then again very soon (my change stuff/worth stuff coming up)
-lyme disease and depression rocking my world – bringing me to almost a complete halt
-not being able to hike/be really active out in nature
-all kinds of hard stuff to recognize, observe, talk to, allow, feel, resist, feel some more, allow just a bit more, and on
-fracturing my foot – again not being able to hike (can’t hike rigorously for at least 4 months! Eck!)
-working really hard at a 2nd job where I don’t feel my strengths are even seen, never mind recognized. Blech!
-dear friends moving away
-a comfy, cozy, hanging-out place shifting in energy so it’s not comfy and cozy anymore
-money flow
My good of 2009:
+Starr and her light/companionship/unconditional love and acceptance of me and my stuff
+moving out of a relationship that was not right
+moving twice and going to be moving again – yay! close to the ocean!
+so much newness in my relationship with my mother – as friends – imagine that!
+newness in my relationship with my sister too – we’ve never been close but there are definitely shifts taking place
+after changing diet, Starr and I working our way up to daily 1hour+ long hikes (after thinking I might not be able to walk up a flight of stairs at the end of ’08 – lyme disease)
+friends moving away – BUT still seeing them – wonderful surprise! (see next on list)
+mondays spent with a dear friend for business inspiration, support, love and general goofiness (not to mention good coffee, shopping and getting my hair cut- twice)
+all of my clients, the relationships with their people and all that they share with me
+the guys I work for in my 2nd job – just LOVE them and all that they teach me. Love, love, love them!
+finding out TODAY that just a little more of ME is being seen and recognized at my 2nd job – so grateful
+a few GREAT ocean day-trips with dear friend (didn’t make it to the beach the two years prior)
+Being recently reunited with a lifelong friend (our parents met when we were in the hospital being delivered) and both feeling so grateful for the friendship
+breaking my foot and all the time and space it provided (and still is) to work on my blog/business/me/my stuff
+having my brand new blog and WRITING regularly (or at least working on it)
+my brand new computer – so grateful
+ALL of my blog and business helpers that have shown up – supporting my business and totally believing in ME
+fluent self, havi, all of you, twitter and all of the amazing blogs that I have found
+all of my stuff and what it teaches me/shows me
Wow! I am soooo surprised that my ‘good’ list is that long! Funny how this process of reflection works. Yay to reflecting, discovering, embracing and releasing!
Happy New Year everyone! Lots of love to you all!
Cheers to continued unabashed sharing and supporting in our new year 2010!!!
.-= Maya Zaido @animalswisdom´s last post … Relationships…Challenging…No…Really?! =-.
Happy New Year to the Pirate Queen and her Duck! This site is definitely one of the good things about the last year and then some.
The Hard:
The book proposal is still not done. It’s been three years.
I started a novel in November, which now makes three books I have started and not one of them is finished.
Procrastination and stuck have kicked my ass.
Stopped exercising regularly, so my back hurts more and I’ve gained weight.
Biological Family Unit (can I trade them in?)
Money may get very, very tight for us in the next few months, and I’m still not making money.
A really bad bout of depression in August.
The Good:
As of July My Hubby has been liver infection free for a year and his doctors love how his healthy liver looks.
I have a really good psychiatrist for the depression.
The Cat.
My house in Kansas City is rented, so a big hole in our budget has been filled.
Resigning my ordination credentials and leaving my former denomination to become a very happy liberal Episcopalian who doesn’t have to hide her booze, her Celtic-Wiccan streak, and her love for Mother Mary and the rosary. The little church I’m a part of rocks, and I am very happy to find a religious family where I don’t have to hide.
The Fluent Self! And all the wonderful people I have met through Havi and Selma: Hiro, Victoria, Fabeku, Lucy Viret, and Lydia to name a few. This place rocks! I’m so glad to have found this wonderful community.
My thing is writing, especially writing about the women in the Bible. I need to stop second guessing myself, trust my intuition and vocation and write!
We’re staying in this New Year’s Eve. Well, we always do. I have Chicken au Champagne in the oven. I bought a lovely Rose Champagne, and I love it with chicken. We’ll watch the New Year’s fire works in bed. Living in the South Loop of Chicago with an East view rocks. And I love it! Really, how many people can watch fire works in bed?
Happy New Year fellow Chickeneers! And I’m so glad the Friday Chicken will be up too!
.-= Shawna R. B. Atteberry´s last post … Life Insights from 2009 I’m taking into 2010 =-.
Happy New Year, Havi! And Selma!
And Chickeneers!
I wish I’d had you all for the whole year!
The Hard:
-a man with whom I was sympatico needing to further heal from his divorce
-getting laid off (same week as above)
-struggling financially (because of the laid-off thing)
-chronic back stuff
-my own mom throwing shoes
-trying to start a gallery for a VERY unsupportive gallery owner, without support or resources
-feeling like everything I really wanted to do was another one of my (stupid) projects that didn’t have any support
The Good:
-trying stuff I otherwise wouldn’t have because I was laid off
-being humbled by the generosity and love of my friends (cleaned my house, etc.! when I was having it tough)
-straightening out a lot of financial stuff and my relationship with money
-creating a lot of things from nothing (yay creativity!)
-being handed my own law practice by my first client, Julie Stuart
-meeting Havi, on line and then over the phone
-being introduced into this fabulous, intentional, creative business community
-feeling like I can finally be myself and still be a lawyer; and that I want to be a lawyer still because of it
-Havi betting on me for 2010 (Whoooo Hoooo!!)
-that I’m running late for a NYE party with my closest friends
Happy New Year and New Decade!
.-= Rebecca´s last post … My Right-, Left- Brain Dilemma: A Decade =-.
🙂
In brief:
The hard and the good were the self same thing- tricksy universe, indeed. The broken engagement of late last year devastated me, I felt ruptured from the inside out– New Year’s last year was spent with a very good friend, but feeling *so much hurt* that I didn’t even feel like I could live in my own skin. I’m not sure I have ever been so absolutely heartbroken……….even though I knew the relationship was not right almost the whole six years we were together.
The good- what a wake up call to self work. Started in earnest in February. Signed up for the NC retreat out of (dare I say) desperation. Between then and August, did a LOT of self work.
I feel more myself than I have for…. more than a decade.
In no small part due to this blog, and you, Havi, and other posters.
Many other ups and downs and combinations of the two. That’s just the biggest. 🙂
Happy Chicken!!
Ingrid
Ya know, I’m not really in the mood to do the big year reflection thing since I’m in the middle of a little biggification which is not about numbers on a calendar but what I can swing in the here and now. (I’ve been reading long enough to feel totally comfortable saying that. 🙂
If anything, I’m still pondering what quote from Dune will make me think of the principles of sovereignty for my theme next year.
Happy New Year, all!
I feel so silly. The reason I was going to comment is to say ‘yay orange!’ but I obviously got sidetracked by my navel-gazing, oh-loathe-is-me.
ANYway, I used to hatehatehate orange, but now it makes me happy, feel inspired, and invigorated. I also love turquoise and teal for the same reasons.
And I got my Dance of Shiva DVD today and omgomgomgomg thank you! <3
Havi:
Wishing you a Happy Healthy 2010 filled with everything you want for yourself with greater ease and less pain. You’ve helped me change my life – thank you so much.
The hard was mostly letting go of a ton of grief – in one form or another and how I fought doing it for so long that it made it even harder than it already inherently is.
The good is
-having gotten scrupulously honest with myself and others, I feel soooo much better in every way possible
-lost over 50 pounds this year
-decreased back pain as a result of a year of physical therapy and consistent doses of exercise and yoga
-my kids are relatively happy and very healthy Thank God
-being home on NY Eve feels in my pj’s is the activity of choice rather than feeling like the “lone ranger”
-greater understanding about who my right people are, both personally and professionally
-dance of shiva epiphanies
-a hugely supportive online community
-discovering havi’s work and using it
-discovering jen louden’s work and the amazing community she has
.-= char´s last post … The Patient Power Manifesto Continued. . . . =-.
Immanent Emotional Breakdown: It’s just one guy, and a whole lotta eyeliner.
The Hard
– Money was hard all year, with a special low point in March where I had to borrow a pile of money I have yet to pay back.
– The economy sucked, there was a recession, and the desire to smack people going around saying “no recession!” was very hard to resist. One of my Big Clients is a Credit Union, and they would like you to know that there was in fact a recession, and it sucked and still kinda sucks.
– Bad stuff happening to everyone around me! My BFF had the year of the awfulness, culminating in a last kick to the metaphorical balls yesterday.
– Death stalked this year, not anyone I was close with but friends, friends of friends, a vendor, not to mention famous people. Way, way too many people died, and it sucked.
– Too many aches and pains and just generally feeling like things suck, physically, and not enough energy.
– One of my biggest hobbies is slowly dying out, and I’m not sure what or how I’ll replace it. Fortunately the good friends I’ve made through it still like each other, even as we all go our different ways within (and outside of) the fandom.
The Good
+ Slowly the money thing is coming around. I’ve learned a ton about business this year, and slowly everything is starting to gather momentum. I’ve invested money in my business, as well as time and energy, and I’m actually starting to see a return.
+ Did a ton of decluttering and now I’m feeling a lot more settled into my apartment. I’ve only got a few stray boxes left from my various moves, and it’s pretty awesome.
+ I launched Antemortem Arts, and I’ve gotten a lot of great feedback, if not so much with the sales, though I’m hopeful that 2010 will help change that.
+ I made a ton of new connections online for my business, and I can see there’s fruit ripening there, too.
+ I think I’ve done more art in the past year than the previous 3, and it feels really, really good.
+ My cats are awesome. Pod came into my life at the end of 2008, and even though his middle name is Fucker for a reason, he’s kept me on my toes. Even Bella’s getting used to him, sort of.
+ My friends are awesome, and their lives are (mostly) looking up.
What I’m Looking Forward to Next Year
= More Biggification of both my Ittybizzes
= A further shift towards Creativity
= More energy
= Reducing my debts of all kinds and working towards more positive cash flow
= A bit more social leaving-the-house-ness
.-= Amy Crook´s last post … Happy Christmas Commission =-.
Oh we like you too! So much.
(And orange – yes, just that shade – and also very surprising to *those who know us*.)
Thank you for adding value to our year.
Moving from Beloved Lurker to A Bit More Visible…
.-= Claire´s last post … Choice It Is =-.
Havi,
I would write a chicken, but I’m still trying to get my mind around your statement that you’re “at quarter capacity, because of arms.”
I’m just…well…gobsmacked pretty much covers it.
Here’s to healing and happiness and ducks. (And chickens.)
Hmmm, 2009 was a hard year. I wish I could do a big chicken, but as soon as I thought about it yesterday it ended up getting messy.
So I will spare you that but want to just chime in with the loads of other people who are counting this site and its wonderfulness (including Shiva Nata, hooray!) as a huge part of The Good of 2009.
Oh, and since one of you asked: I can confirm that 2010 rocks. Over in GST +1 time zone, we’ve had 11 hours of 2010 so far and I really think you’re all going to love this year. 😀
2009 Chicken!
(Must be a big one, to envelop an entire year. Scenes of the Big Chicken Episode from Hercules: The Legendary Journeys come to mind. But that chicken was kind of scary and was named ‘Discord,’ so I’m not going to take her as an example.)
The Hard:
– Horrible horrible horrible job. I spent almost the entire year on the brink of walking away, feeling stupid and hopeless and cramped and waking up nauseous every morning.
– Relationship issues and relationship therapy. Relationship therapy was oddly nice, when I’m looking at it disinterestedly, but the ISSUES – awful. And painful. And scary.
– Being burgled. Some lout stole a bunch of electronics, but the worst thing is he probably kicked our little cat and now he’s much more easily scared than he used to be. You can have my stuff, but you don’t get to touch my animals, dammit! (And yeah, that’s on my dammit list.) The condescension of the insurance guy didn’t help either. “Oh, you’re the computer people. Yeah, I would’ve had your report finished this evening, but now it’s going to be Monday.”
– Breaking up with my band – a band consisting of three lifelong friends and a newbie (me) was never going to be equitable.
The Good: more than I can mention!
– All the lovely internet people I met: Havi, Naomi, Mark, Charlie, Leonie, Fabeku, Victoria, Julie. I learned soo much from everyone. I can honestly say you completely shifted me around – I feel like I’m on the springboard for something brilliant next year, thanks to you.
– My Mastermind Group! I started one early in spring and we’re having so much fun. Not that many results yet, but we’re professionalising and have a lovely goals list for the next 6 months.
– Fixing my relationship!
– Getting hitched! And the best of all, getting hitched with all our best friends as witnesses but without having to give a huge and nerve-racking party. Instead, we just played board games all day and ordered take-out. And second best of all, I got to wear a green dress!
– Figuring out my Style Statement: Genuine Radiance!
– Finding the courage to mention something like having a Style Statement and what it is where other people can read it, even though I’m not over the ‘OMG what if people think it’s silly!’ fears.
– Travelling. Went to Zürich to visit a friend, to Athens for cultural edification annex summer holiday and – basically on a whim – to Edinburgh for our pre-semi-honeymoon. Best of all, my husband (still have to get used to that word) is starting to enjoy visiting new places as much as I do, so I foresee a great future.
– I made a painting! And there’s more in the works, and I’m loving it.
– And even my job. I met some lovely people who told me I’m NOT stupid and worthless and I found a coach who helped me reconcile two ‘ARGH, can’t budge on this!’ issues into one harmonious ‘ah well, if this happens I’ll do that’ decision. I’m still kinda floundering, but it’s getting much better and I’m not as invested in the outcome anymore. Which, strangely, makes the odds of a good outcome a lot better. And guess what? Now I don’t need my supervisor anymore, he’s actually starting to be willing to help me. Go figure.
2010 is going to be AWESOME!
Major 2009 Chicken, coming up!
The hard
– The PhD dissertation Thing, not liking it, not wanting to quit either.
– In the third year of living relatively far from friends and family, I feel resentment for me always being the one to travel in their direction. Realising some friendships will probably need to fade out to make room for new ones.
– Feeling a lack of friends that live near me to be in contact with regularly.
– Being single in the sense of not having someone to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with.
– Missing my flight to London and not seeing my friend.
– Not taking enough time to refuel.
The good
+ Being experiment-ey. I like changing my ways, especially when reversible, and even if it is considered eccentric. Growing towards the true-est version of me.
+ Travelling to Africa. And Sweden. And Berlin.
+ Meeting Havi and Selma in Berlin and experiencing the aftermath of a good Shiva Nata session by mixing up all the languages I have in me.
+ Being single. It has some good to it too.
+ New found addiction: sock knitting.
+ Reconnecting with old friends from highschool.
+ Having found more exersize-ey stuff that I like to do, therefore keeping up with it.
+ Being car free the entire year and not missing it one tiny single bit.
For 2010
More experiments.
More expotitions.
New connections with people.
Being me out loud.
Monster chicken! I love reading about everyone’s ups and downs and seeing that the good always balances the hard, and many times even outweighs it.
My 2009 hard:
– Overwhelm, and the frustrating search for balance. Being afraid to turn work down even when I need the break.
– Lack of progress on some household projects, because we just don’t have the budget for it at the moment. Living in half-done (or half-undone) spaces can be unsettling.
– Ending the year with a lot of things still on my to-do list, things I had hoped to be able to cross off this year.
My 2009 good:
– The book! It was published! It has my name on the cover! It lives on bookstore shelves all over the country! It’s the weirdest (in a good way) thing to walk into the bookstore and see it sitting there.
– The amazing growth of Cleveland Handmade, the Etsy street team I’m one of the leaders of, and our super-successful holiday shows. What a wonderful, supportive community of artists we’ve been able to attract.
– A couple of new editing clients and some *fun* new projects. I like my academic clients, but it’s nice to work on books on decorating, or jazz, or pop culture once in a while.
– Some good progress on untangling some knots that have been following me around, and a solid plan for having all of that behind me by the end of 2010.
Happy New Year, everyone!
.-= Lori Paximadis´s last post … Best of 2009: Place =-.