One of the quirks of self-employment:
There aren’t generally procedures in place to stop and acknowledge how hard you work and how much you have done and how much you care.
This came up again yesterday during a chicken with some colleagues.
That sense of come on! I want a promotion! I want a corner office! I want all the ridiculous amounts of work that happens behind the scenes to be admired and noticed!
So of course now I am unable to stop dreaming up unlikely ways that we could do this for ourselves.
Something more fun (and less intimidating) than a “performance review” … and more profound than just having a beer and awarding yourself thousands of sparklepoints, which is what I usually do.
Performance. Of course!
I called upon my favorite superhero (Metaphor Mouse!) to deconstruct “performance review” for me.
Nothing conclusive so far, but some fun and thought-provoking associations. Like cheshbon nefesh, that perfect Hebrew phrase that is, loosely, “soul accounting”.
And the truth is, while I bristle at the thought of anyone “reviewing” my work, performance does sound like fun.
Like my own personal drag show. Like cabaret. Like dancing in the park.
Like the way I am playing at business. And in business. And with business.
I play at business in many ways:
In the daily acts of steering the pirate ship (that proudly flies the Jolly Selma!).
At the Playground, my center, which I have been alternately describing as a glam pirate zen yoga studio or “preschool for adults!”.
When I wear my red sovereignty boots and my giant feather boa.
When the First Mate and I go have Drunk Pirate Council instead of “meetings”.
And when I scramble to find matching socks so I can pass as a grown up when we have to council with our CPA.
So this act of reviewing my performance could be something playful and silly and hilarious too.
The timing, also, is perfect.
I generally do go into contemplative mode towards the end of August.
This week marks five years since I launched this website (not the blog but the site) and The Fluent Self received its name.
Five years!
Not only should I totally get a corner office and an awesome plaque (wait, I already have both of those things), but it is definitely time to have some reviewing.
As long as it’s going to be sweet, deguiltified, appreciative, playful and fun … I’m in!
More of a revue than a review. But here’s how we did it.
I put on my pirate queen costume.
Then me from five years ago this week came and sat in the center of this gigantic pink couch. Which is weird, because the Playground doesn’t have a couch, but I’m just telling you what happened.
She was almost immediately joined by me from five years from now and also me from next week.
And the three of them were all smooshed together in the middle, hugging and exclaiming over each other and giggling. Like at a crazy reunion slumber party.
Then we all put on our lopsided tiaras and raised a toast to the good ship The Fluent Self, Inc. and Five Years Ago Me was astounded that it’s possible to have a corporation and not be gross and evil.
She was extremely relieved. And then Next Week Me was kind of teasing her a little until Five Years From Now Me said, sweetie, you aint seen NOTHING yet.
The four of us decided to appreciate these five years.
We acknowledged the hard (and how freaking impossibly hard the hard has been), and glowed happily over the good.
We named all the qualities that make up the culture of this crazy, silly, playful world that we have brought into being.
And pointed (literally, with these glow-in-the-dark sticks) at everything we appreciate and everything that makes us laugh.
Here’s what we are appreciating most at the moment:
The culture.
The kooky, sweet, funny, loving, warm, non-judgmental, everyone’s-freak-flag-gets-to-fly-just-as-high way of being that sets the tone for every single space in the business.
For example, this blog. It is really, truly the safest, most permission-filled, most respectful place I have ever been on the internet. The commenter mice here are amazing.
There is so much kindness (for me, for themselves, for each other) while still maintaining complete freedom to be sarcastic, cranky, grumpy, silly, obscene, whatever.
The sweetness, the acceptance, the hilarity, the curiously respectful way of relating … this is even more palpable at the Kitchen Table and even more so at live events that we do.
If I were to write a Lonely Planet style guide to my business, there would be a lot of stuff about how awesome the locals are.
The safety.
Safe spaces are a really big deal to me.
So far everything I’ve created has been a form of sanctuary. Literally or figuratively or both. Places to hide. Blanket forts! Invisibility cloaks!
Ways to feel safe being in your you-ness, and bringing more of it into the world.
Ways to take yourself seriously while still having permission to be completely silly and ridiculous.
Ways to process the process without being impressed by the fact that there are stucknesses.
The freedom.
Freedom to flail around and make mistakes and laugh and cry.
Freedom to dress up in costumes and not know what you do for a living and to avoid the things you love.
Freedom to not have to love your monsters and not to have to fight with them either.
Freedom to talk to yourself. And to be a total wackopants. And to sometimes care about things so deeply that it hurts and sometimes not remember what you care about at all.
To be who you are and where you are and how you are. And to have moments when you don’t want to.
Oh, we reviewed so many things.
But the main thing that was fun about revisiting these past five years was the spark of hopefulness.
If my business has gradually given itself the freedom and permission to be more goofy, more playful, more childlike, more wise, more sovereign, more hysterically funny (mostly just to me) …. yay.
And it seems to bode well for the future. Five Years From Now Me totally approves of bringing the silliness.
So my sense is that things are just going to become even more lighthearted and go even more deep.
There will dancing and singing in the streets. There will be worlds unto themselves. There will be chaos and there will be new form. There will be goodbyes and beginnings. There will be trust and faith and wishing.
There will be pirates. There will be pie.
I have seen what is, and it is good. And I have seen what is possible, and it smells like lilacs and wet earth and happy tears. But also like Roller Derby and sailing ships and something equally badass but entirely indescribable.
And … comment zen for today.
Reviewing things is totally hard. I do not mean even slightly to imply that it isn’t.
All this Looking Back involved remembering a lot of pain, a lot of fear, a lot of anxiousness.
Much comforting was involved. And support. And giving myself reminders that even the really crappy stuff has brought good things (and that I’m still allowed to hate it and resent it, if that’s where I’m at with it).
Anyway. Wishing you love for all the things you’re working on. Love and freedom and permission and safety and as much goofiness as feels comfortable.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. And we try to let everyone have their own experience.
Sparklepoints and beer for everyone who would like some. Kisses.
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Congratulations! *tosses sparkles*
Your blog is brilliant, you are brilliant, and here’s to the next five years. *Raises a glass*
It’s all true, what you say about the culture and the locals. My life on the internets would be a very different kind of place without you and Selma in it.
I raise a happy toast to you and all your fellow yous, past and future, on the happy occasion of your performance revue. 🙂
.-= Amna´s last post … A Hybrid Manifesto =-.
This truly is one of the safest spaces, not only on the internet, but in my entire life. I’m so enormously grateful you’ve created it. On with the revue! (And some anniversary hugs for good measure.)
.-= Kylie´s last post … seven seconds =-.
Now that’s the kind of Performance Revue! [imagine jazz hands] I can get behind. Thank you so much for creating all this wonderful space where we can come and be silly and think about and deal with our Stuff in new ways. Here’s to the next five years, and beyond.
.-= Lori Paximadis´s last post … Friday Really =-.
This is pretty much the best revue I’ve ever been to.
My favorite part is where the various yous smooshed, giggled and hung out.
Well that and the feather boa. But that kind of goes without saying, right??
Now I want to do my own revue.
I’m betting it will involve luchadore masks and mojitos and dramatically shouting out the various biz-ey bits I love while listening to The Damned.
Dude. I’m so doing this.
.-= Fabeku Fatunmise´s last post … Go Big Or Not =-.
Thank you for revue-ing with me.
@Fabeku – luchadore masks and shouting! Best revue ever. Of course! May the fabulousness just keep getting more fabulous. Which of course it will because you are so completely you that it bowls me over.
@Lori – jazz hands! Totally. Whooooooo!
@Kylie – mwah! So happy to have gotten to kind-of meet you through the internets and someday for sure in person. 🙂
@Amna – toasts! Many, many toasts. Possibly some with butter. And the rest of the alcoholic kind. Come back and visit. The Playground misses you.
@Jack – Sparkles! And the tossing of them! This is the best party ever. Really, I don’t know why I put it off for so long. Thank you.
Yay to your revue show – wonderful dahling, wonderfullll!
Which naturally makes me want to do my own review revue party larty and celebrate and commisserate and pray that people will join me so that we can throw our skirts up in the air (and that includes you too @Fabeku)or shake yer trewsersss and say chin chin in our silliest voices and hug and cry and ohhhhh.
Yes Well Done Everyone and Well Done Havi and Selma!
This really is the safest space I have ever visited online. And you know what? Shhhh. It feels like the safest community I have yet to find – which makes me sad.
Love you pumpkin! Well done you. You ARE F……FABULOUS OKeeYDOKIE?
(Umm. no need to shout Leila – chill pill on the way!)
xx
.-= Leila Lloyd-Evelyn´s last post … Feel bad – express yoself =-.
i love this and want to raise my glass to the next 5 years of the fluent self.
i have been talking with me-of-5-years-from-now (i love her, but she intimidates me) and me-of-one-month-from-now but now OMG i am totally going to bring them together with me-of-5-years-ago and have a wicked party.
.-= andrea´s last post … intention movement =-.
Fabulous revue! *clapping enthusiastically*
Five years – wow! Raising a glass to the Fluent Self and its Pirate Queen, and wishing you all the best for the five years to come. 🙂
That reminds me: it’s been almost five years since I went the self-employment route too, though it doesn’t quite feel like it these days – it feels more like a new beginning, as I’m about to start doing *my* thing… in huge part thanks to you and Selma. Thank you Havi for being who you are, doing what you do, and showing us how it can be done.
Feel like I just got backstage passes to the greatest show. Awesome to you for five years! Thank you for the sparkle points! I’ll collect them in a gold bag and in times of stress I will imagine rubbing them for the greatest of vibes.
Cheers.
.-= kerri twigg´s last post … How to make a short horror film with your family =-.
Yay for five years of excellent wonderfulness! So glad I got in on it and can contribute to the wild thundering applause, so richly deserved.
Bravo, brava, bravissimi tutti!
*scatters roses at everyone’s feet*
.-= chicsinger simone´s last post … Summer 2010 =-.
A revue!
Bravo, my dear, on a fabulous five years. I am so glad I was here for the fifth year. This really is the safest and most playful place ever, and I thank you for it.
*cheers and hands you an armful of fresh lilacs*
.-= Elizabeth´s last post … a green spider web =-.
Hooray for five brilliant years, Havi! May there be many, many more, each one better than the last. I’m so grateful for you, and for your beautiful, playful Fluent Self.
Brava! Roses, lilies, and pirate confetti all around! 🙂
Love, Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Pattern Makers and Playpens =-.
Happy happy!
*standing ovation!*
I can’t wait to see what the next 5 years brings. Congratulations.
: )
.-= Danielle´s last post … Somaphile turns one this month =-.
(In “Oh, we reviewed so many things”–) This doesn’t sound like the description of a business but of the best possible life, doesn’t it? A life one wishes for everyone.
Thanks for inviting us onto your ship, Havi. To calm seas and smooth sailing ahead [a hot, buttered toast]. xo
.-= Rupa´s last post … The Ruben Principle =-.
Yayness! Wishes of wondiferous things for you and the fluent self and selma for the next five years. Oh my goodness if I had sparkly duck shaped confetti it would so be coming your way…I shall bedeck this comment with secret invisible internet duck confetti.
Hmmm, I have not even had any wine. *raises eyebrow*
Congratulations, Havi! 5 years of navigating a business with silliness, fun, and depth is quite an accomplishment. To many more!
I’ll take some sparklepoints. The upper edges of my peripheral vision could use some glimmering blue, green, purple, silver, and red to spice it up. 🙂 I’ll leave the beer for someone who will appreciate it though. Would you accept a Dr Pepper toast to The Fluent Self’s longevity, malleability, and enduring silliness?
.-= claire´s last post … From my other related life =-.
Happy First Five Years! That’s so great! May you have many more wonderful and fun and fabulously lovely Five-Years to come!
.-= Elisa´s last post … Somewhere Cows Are Looking for Me =-.
I think I would be considered a beloved lurker as this is my first comment and I have been reading awhile.
You inspire me.
thanks
Happy five year anniversary, all you Havis! I am so very happy for you.
Hmm. I think perhaps I’ve been forgetting to celebrate things. I think perhaps I’ve been forgetting all the aspects of my work that are worthy of celebration. I think perhaps I need to sit with this for a while, and invite any other interested Kats to come and sit with me.
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … Merge ahead =-.
I’m new, but it makes me happy, that this wonderful place has been around for five years. Congrats, Havi, and please keep on going!
Now THAT’S a performance review. Sounds like such fun. Sprinkling glitter and sending thousands of sparklepoints your way. Congrats and hugs … to all of you!
.-= Kerry´s last post … What would happen if you let go of trying =-.
Congrats, Havi, and 5,000 sparklepoints for five years of hard work that has paid off in more ways than I bet you could imagine. You are an inspiration.
.-= lynn @ human, being´s last post … On full closets and gray area anxiety =-.
Oooh! A revue.
I loved this! Especially the pink couch & the tiaras. Of course.
In fact, I am going to dig out my old tiara now. It’s from my wedding, and yesterday I sent my divorce papers out.
Symmetry. Now, I think I am going to need The Strong Drink for the rest of that revue…
Havi, congrats on five years of pirating your own sparkly ship!
I’m so happy i found you and Selma. I’m trying to emerge from The House Of Extreme Seriousness that i’ve been living in. Your antics are so inspiring but a little scary to me, but i hope over time i’ll get more comfortable. I wish you were local for the Rally and chickens!
There are tears in my eyes and they are filled with wonder and love and appreciation and awe and trust and hope and desire and more love.
The marquee was so right – “Performance Revue of The Bestest Kind” – Not to be missed.
Cheers and sparklepoints and jazzhands and cha-cha-cha.
Dances off to the after blog and it’s spaciousness and permission and wondifurousness.
I found this amazing space six months ago and have been a beloved lurker ever since. It has become part of my daily ritual and makes me happier then I could ever describe in words. It gives me hope, inspiration and permission to be myself. What a great space to bring people together. Thank you for creating it and for all the great people that gather here. love, hugs and good things to everyone. 🙂
Excellent!
Also, yay for sanctuaries! Hmm, maybe I need my own personal sanctuaries … even if they are invisible and/or figurative.
.-= Luke´s last post … From Bear to Phoenix – introduction to a planned new open-source CRPG =-.
Oh boy, we ain’t seen nothing yet? Happy first lustrum and here’s to a wonderful next five years!
I’ve been daydreaming about joining another band. Now I want to call it “Lopsided Tiaras” and write punk anthems about Vaseline on my teeth.
(In reality, I don’t have the time or the chops to front a group. I _am_ adding the anthems to my To Write folder…)
Toda raba, Havi! L’chaim! *raises pint of beer and shakes sparklepoints out of hair onto everyone within glitter-glomping distance*
.-= Mechaieh´s last post … pink bootay =-.