My dear wonderful friend Jane is visiting me this week, and we have been laughing ourselves to tears and exclaiming in astonishment over the many ridiculous things that have happened in our lives.
And we are also remembering our shared memories from a long time ago when we worked together on the kibbutz. When we got to see each other every day instead of every few years.
This has brought up so much sadness for seventeen-year-old-me who is the star of these hard, hard memories. And so much love too.
So I am writing her (that is, me at seventeen) a letter, and imagining/asking for it to be delivered to her, in the most non-invasive way possible, with as many translators and negotiators as necessary.
My love.
Can I just say how beautiful you are?
And how proud I am of your toughness, your resilience, your passion, your creativity.
I appreciate you tremendously.
And I also have to acknowledge the extreme shittiness of this year you’re going through.
Ohmygod! So much hard. It’s beyond absurd, really.
It saddens me to say this part.
There are not very many trustworthy adults in your life right now. Very few indeed. Fewer than you think.
You are going to need to tread carefully here.
They are making promises they cannot keep.
They are saying things they do not mean.
At times what they say is completely untrue. Most of it, actually.
Not out of malice, at least not always. But not trustworthy and not dependable.
Here is who you can trust:
Rena.
She won’t take action to help you but she will not lie to you and her advice is solid.
One more thing about Rena. Before she dies she leaves you a message that is very important. Pay attention to this.
If you don’t make it to the hospital in time, forgive yourself. Please.
Guilt sticks up the works. Guilt is an impediment to flow. It slows your ability to be receptive to the information you’re in the process of receiving.
Take care of yourself.
Avoid people you don’t like spending time with.
Avoid people who criticize you for being the way you are.
You are completely right to be wary of all the people you are wary of. This is wise. Stay alert.
Sleep. Sleep is unbelievably important.
99.9% of the painful and regret-filled things that happen this year occur due to extreme sleep-deprivation.
All these people who say things like “you can sleep when you’re dead” and “you’re young” and “deal with it” …. they could not be more wrong.
It might be right for them. It might not. Who knows. It is clearly not a right way for you and obviously you know this all too well because you’re experiencing it.
Worry less about hurting people’s feelings and more about being able to function.
Take a stand. Sooner and louder. Insist on access to your room. And if you don’t get it, make a big deal out of it.
Let friendships fall apart if they need to.
Right now you are agreeing to this situation of no-sleep because you don’t know how to stand your ground without further jeopardizing two friendships you care about.
This is not friendship.
They will fall apart anyway. If these friendships knit themselves back together later, they’ll come together anyway.
You are a sovereign being. You are not defined by these friendships. And my love, you really, really need to get more sleep in order to be able to function.
Here are some very useful phrases.
“This isn’t working for me.”
“I feel very uncomfortable right now.”
“This needs to change. What are our options?”
Also: If you sense you are in danger, do whatever needs to be done to get out. It is okay to make a scene. Later you will learn other ways. For now, use whatever works.
There is a book.
Next to X’s bed there is a copy of Catch-22. Read it now. It will shed some light on the absurdity of the situation you’re in, and give you enough perspective to get through the next part.
It will remind you that you are not alone.
Many, many people have also found themselves in ridiculous, impossible situations and taken solace in the hilarity of how impossibly wrong it is.
This is why you are friends with Jane. This is partly what you do for each other.
Can I give you one more piece of advice?
Your instincts are so right on.
Everything you’re instinctively doing right now to preserve your emotional well-being: dancing, walking, climbing trees, writing, learning …
It’s all good for you.
Being with your body is good for you. Being alone and having time for yourself is good for you.
People will criticize this isolation because they do not understand it, but you are building cocoons of safety and canopies of peace, and it is exactly what is needed.
And I will tell you the truth.
You are not crazy. You are inspired.
You are not wrong.
You are not alone.
I am with you. So many of us are with you.
You are loved and cared for and supported even when you can’t feel it.
The skills from now will serve you forever. In ten months you will be in the States — though not for long — and you will find Braude and that will make everything different and better in subtle and interesting ways.
Other things will happen. You will find out what you know. You will trust yourself more.
One day you will know that you are the queen of your life, without having to be reminded of it.
In the meantime, remember that you are not alone. And remember that you are loved. And remember to sleep.
And … comment zen for today.
I don’t even know what to say. Interacting with the past is hard. Interacting with now can be really hard too.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We give each other room to have our own experiences. We don’t give advice (unless someone specifically asks for it).
That’s it! You are more than welcome to write letters to past selves or to wish each other love or to remember things or to not remember things, as you like.
Wishing you comfort and sweetness and good things. Internet kisses all around.
Follow
I have nothing to share but to honor this by reading it. Well done, you.
.-= Bridget´s last post … Tuning into Your Business- The Basics- Free Telecall =-.
Wow. Thank you.
This is beautiful — so tender, so touching.
I’m having such a hard day today. It would be lovely to receive a letter from a future me, or maybe even from seventeen-year-old me. Lovely to have the perspective and the consolation.
I want to tell you that I’m really glad you’re here, really glad to have found my way here, because you and this space have become such a big part of what helps me through the hard stuff. Thank you.
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … Merge ahead =-.
Love and kisses and hugs … to your seventeen years old and to you now (and to Selma and to everyone who feels like it).
Thank you. You are inspiring and have taught me much about relating to who I WAS and who I am NOW. I am trying to move forward while still honoring the me that got me here.
Just before I read your post I was writing myself a letter in the Book of Me. It’s transforming work and allows me to loosen the grip of who I think I am (but I’m not anymore) and remember what I need to focus on.
3 years ago I was unsure, craved motivation and attention for my abilities. I saw a bright shiny thing that motivated me and loved it instantly the way I can love something bright and shiny. I was drawn in to this thing and the world it was in. This provided me the drive and motivation I lacked and it took me a long way- new career, new abilities- but it was just bright and shiny and it is time to let that go. It served a purpose and I appreciate it for that but I feel disconnected to who I am authentically.
I need to focus on my sovereign self and pair my new abilities to the places that need me the most.
BUT this shiny thing has a real grip on me. I’m working on letting it go but it’s been a really, really hard. Seriously- like 1 year of praying and wanting a change of heart. Do I not want it enough? I was hoping that one day I’d wake up and not be affected by it but that’s not happening (so far).
Today I wondered that maybe I just need to be mindful: let the shiny thing come, acknowledge my love for it and let it pass.
Any ideas?
I so want 17-year-old-you to get this message. Many pieces of it would apply equally well to my younger selves.
“Your instincts are so right on.” That’s one that would be nice to hear some day from a future self when it’s true again.
“Right now you are agreeing to this situation (of no-sleep) because you don’t know how to stand your ground without further jeopardizing (two) friendships you care about.” I would definitely tell myself this. Probably multiple times at different ages. I might add, “You don’t realize it, but you *have* ground to stand on. You do not have to take part in situations you don’t want to to fit in. People who insist you do are not your friends anyway.”
So many things to say at so many different ages… I think I might have to break it down to sticky notes that appear at the appropriate times.
.-= claire´s last post … From my other related life =-.
Dear 17 year old me,
First off, you’re gorgeous. You’re complete uniqueness is your strongest gift. And, I hate to tell you, but
you know that bit about what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, it’s true. There will be some garbage, but garbage makes for great stories later.
There will be jerky smerks and the real way to tell a jerk smerk from a kind person is watch their actions. Watch what they do. Words are pretty in poetry, but even poetry demands movement. The truth is in the dance.
Downplaying your smart bits and upplaying your not-so-smart bits won’t do a thing for you. Reverse and prosper.
What you do matters. Every little thing you do does matter, and people listen to you. They also like when you listen to them. What a great natural skill.
You’re going places kid. Trust yourself.
.-= kerri twigg´s last post … How to make a short horror film with your family =-.
Thanks for publishing this. It could’ve been a letter to my 29 year old self (as in, a couple months ago). I completely GET the: “It’s okay to make a scene. Later you will learn other ways. For now, use whatever works.” I had that conversation with myself, too.
Love love love to you Havi. Glad you’re able to see the hilarity in all this now, and help us do that, too. 🙂
xoxox
Thank you for this, Havi. My first thought was that I should write a letter to my younger self until I smacked into an invisible wall of “No”. I prodded that wall for the reason why. It’s something that I’ve (not) dealt with for years: The fact that I never liked that younger girl. I wince far too often at painful memories, either caused by me or someone else. I look at her as though she’s weak and simple-minded. There’s almost a sense of revulsion that goes through me when I think of all of the dumb (we’re talking Beyond Thunderdome dumb, a type of dumb that makes regular dumb seem SMART) mistakes that were made and how that person still lives in me.
Now this post is making me think (even as I’m on the verge of crying, dammit) that the best way to start developing kindness and compassion for myself right now is to begin feeling compassion for the girl back then. Maybe I should cut her some slack because she was still learning, just as I am to this day. Now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t want ‘Kaleena 5 Years From Now’ to look back on me and push the memory of me away. Because I know that I’m trying hard, just like that younger version of me is.
Your honesty is inspiring. Thank you for putting your work out there. It couldn’t come at a better time. Tell Selma I said “hello”.
.-= Kaleena´s last post … Lost =-.
Havi dearest, you and your beautiful, brave, seventeen-year-old self are in my heart always. So much love and appreciation for you!
Love, Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Pattern Makers and Playpens =-.
Wow. This is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read. Filled with such luminous love and tenderness and respect and understanding.
Healing.
Inspiring.
Havi, may it be that your seventeen-year-old-self somehow received, back then at that hard time, all that you are giving her now.
And I see, too, that I have some letters to write to some younger-me’s.
May my younger-self me’s receive all that I have to give them, too.
Wow, this is amazing. I’m working on some hard stuff from my early 20s and am thinking a letter to myself might be just the thing. For one thing, thinking of me-from-then as a semi-separate person makes it easier not to be so hard on her for not knowing how to say “stop” when she got scared. I wouldn’t tell a friend of mine she was stupid for doing what me-from-then did, so how can I say it to me-from-then?
Wow – once again an incredibly insightful post.
I am SO on-board with you about the sleep deprivation. I learned this a long time ago, and really, really hope your message gets out to as many people as possible. Sleeping 5-6 hours a night is NOT enough. It impacts on all aspects of your life, but ESPECIALLY your relationships. Working overtime is NOT worth the loss of sleep – please people, get the rest you need!!
Havi, your courage is FORMIDABLE. What a gorgeous shining soul you have! And to share it here with us all – you amaze and inspire me so much! Thank you. Interacting with the past is so so tough. I get tears and all manner of aches and pains talking to all the MEs from yester and it is such a comfort to know I’m not alone in that. Good on you for taking care of yourself and acknowledging your younger you in such a soft, kind and loving way. You say so many insightful and wise and beautiful things in this letter that are real cues for us all along our own paths, words that really clear the smog away and open a space for clarity and love. Thanks darlita! Much love to you!
I sometimes really wish I could write my past self a letter.
And I sometimes think, maybe I should go ahead and write my PRESENT self a letter. I am frequently much wiser in letters than I am in any other context. It just might be what I needed.
Perhaps I should stop thinking and start writing.
.-= Amber´s last post … Life in a Fig =-.
I love this. More than most posts lately, and I love those tooooo. I’m beginning to think you could never write a bad word, which is DANGEROUS. 🙂 Your tenderness with and respect for yourself are inspirations both. I can only imagine the potential for psychic pain by sharing yourself so forwardly and deeply with us here.
With all my limited experience, I hope that you fully feel the respect and admiration of all your readers, Havi. Young and old. Business-y and personal. I’ve never had so much respect for /myself/ as a highly sensitive person or an introvert or someone working with ideas rather than just manipulating numbers since I started reading you. And Kelly. Must mention that too. But you brought her to me, so it’s just as well!
.-= Mish´s last post … neurotic white female- part ii of love me- love me- say that you love me =-.
Havi, after reading this I feel lighter.
“Guilt is an impediment to flow.” I will be quoting that sentency for years to come. I have been searching for these words lately.
And this…
“People will criticize this isolation because they do not understand it, but you are building cocoons of safety and canopies of peace, and it is exactly what is needed.”
A thousand yeses.
.-= Nats´s last post … Enchantment- Teahouses- treehouses- hide & seek =-.
Havi, I think I’d have to go on retreat somewhere to compose such a sensitive letter to my 17 year-old self.
So reading yours seemed enough for now. It was beautiful.
I’m sending love to the 17-year old Havi within you and thanking her for enduring.
.-= Rupa´s last post … Bruce Lee and the Lost Art of Ping Fu =-.
Really beautiful, sad, inspiring. If only we could all communicate with our 17-year-old selves…we could help them so much. Sigh!
As usual, you are just tremendously wonderful.
Havi, you are such an inspiration to me. I’ve been connecting a lot with my inner 2 year old, and she is going to really appreciate getting a letter from 51 year old me. I have so much to say to her, and she really needs to hear from me. thank you, thank you, thank you. Blessings and lots of love to your 17 year old.
Havi, this letter is beautiful. I’ve always been the sort to just push through things and not dwell in the moment…I would love to be able to remember enough about things I’ve forgotten so that I can heal them and move on (without having to relive anything too traumatic or dramatic, of course). Thanks for sharing this inspiration.
.-= Katy Tafoya´s last post … Facebook Places Goes Live- Change Your Privacy Settings =-.
Reading this letter and all the comments made me feel like I was right in the middle of a retreat, having epiphanies and listening. I can’t believe this is a blog, and we are all out here in the open on the internet, and not in some quiet lodge in the mountains.
What Kaleena said about ‘beyond thunderdome dumb’ and her former self making her cringe. I so relate to that. Former self as recently as, say, the day before yesterday.
It’s hard to see myself with kindness, to turn off the guilt. I see other people’s reasons for guilt and I say to myself, ‘what??? That’s no reason to feel guilty! That’s good-person guilt. I have bad-person guilt. It’s not the same thing at all!’
I need to get more sleep.
.-= Kelly´s last post … The Nobody-Cares Bears =-.
Thank you for sharing this with us and I hope she gets it delivered soon [was the mail delivery service better in those days?]
I wrote my 16-year-old-self a letter a few months back with a list of things that she was right about and advice. I think I got 25 items in the end. It felt very good to write. I haven’t sent it yet though. Working on it 🙂
Thank you for sharing your processes with us.
They Help.
.-= Rose´s last post … Turning Twenty =-.
Dear 17 year old me,
Get a haircut. You look silly.
jon