Who knows what madness was going on last night.
But I woke up this morning with that clenched, tight sense of GAAAAAAH Seventeen million things to do that all need to be done right this second or everything will fall apart completely.
Having spent many years getting acquainted with my fuzzy-but-loud Urgency Monsters, I knew this probably wasn’t true.
But it felt true in my body.
So in the interest of consciously, lovingly and patiently moving elements of this pattern around (the way we do with Shiva Nata), I am experimenting.
Today I will do ten things.
Not seventeen million.
Not even going to try to play the well-as-many-of-these-as-I-can-despite-knowing-the-futility game.
And I’m not letting the List-Makers of Doom come up with the ten.
I’m asking for ten qualities I want to experience today. And each one can give me a thing to do or not do.
And that’s it.
Doom Interlude I
Doom Monsters: This is one of your forced vacations! We won’t have it.
Me: No. This is what is going to happen when you wake me up with visions of impending doom. I get that this feels uncomfortable. It’s uncomfortable for me too. And it’s an experiment.
Doom Monsters: It won’t work.
Me: Well, you kind of say that a lot. So let’s leave it to the internal investigators and find out what happens.
Ten qualities.
- Sweetness.
- Rest.
- Trust.
- Certainty.
- Expectancy.
- Giving.
- Receiving.
- Quiet.
- Love.
- Sovereignty (the quality of being comfortable in the kingdom of your body and your mind and not caring what other people think about that).
Doom Interlude II
Doom Monsters: You are delusional. There are Actual Things that have to be done today. You can’t just get out of them because you turned into this dumbass hippie yoga teacher several years. We want YOU back! Come back!
Me: Oh, sweetie. That has to be really hard for you. I love that you miss this version of me that you remember with such fondness. You know what I remember about her?
Doom Monsters: Uh oh.
Me: Yeah. How you used to scream at her all the time. And how she would just shut down. You liked that she was compliant. But sometimes she was depressed to the point of not-functioning because your worldview was so overwhelming.
Doom Monsters: We were just trying to protect her from the Doom.
Me: I know, guys. Your heart is totally in the right place. And at the same time, you know, because we’ve talked about this … yelling and harassing is not the effective way to help me get things done.
Doom Monsters: Theoretically, yes. But we just want you to be okay. And it is so, so impossibly hard to believe that the stuff you’re trying will work.
Me: I appreciate that you want me to be okay. That’s what I want too. And you don’t have to believe anything. We’ll try it for a day and take notes.
Ten Things.
- Doing my morning rituals. Love.
- Going for a long walk. Trust.
- Mailing Hiro her birthday present. Sweetness.
- Having a longer conversation with Anxious Me. Receiving.
- Thinking — not planning but thinking about — my next Rally. Sovereignty.
- 15 minutes of old Turkish lady yoga. Certainty.
- Journaling about a wish I have. Expectancy.
- Preparing for client consultation this afternoon. Quiet.
- Call with client. Giving.
- Taking a nap or reading in bed. Rest.
Doom Interlude III
Doom Monsters: This is insanity. You can’t put things on your list that get done anyway. This should be ten things aside from client calls or your usual morning rituals. You don’t even understand how lists work! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Me: I can tell you’re feeling really upset and anxious about this. Because you care and you don’t want me to get hurt?
Doom Monsters: Obviously.
Me: What about how we agreed to experiment?
Doom Monsters: But your experiment is stupid. Just saying. And it’s also doomed!
Me: There’s really no way to find out unless you stop trying to sabotage it. I think you’re afraid it will work and that I’ll stop talking to you altogether because I won’t need you anymore.
Doom Monsters: Okay.
Me: I’m right, huh?
Doom Monsters: Please don’t leave us.
Me: We’re building a new relationship, remember?. And if you can stop dooming me all the time, maybe you can stay in a different form.
Doom Monsters: grumble-grumble-grumble okay
Ten Things.
It might not even be ten.
It might be more than ten.
It might just be talking to Doom Monsters all day and remembering how much they love me.
Remembering how I don’t have to agree to being loved like that. Remembering that things can change.
When it gets hard, which it probably will, I’m going to remember that this is an experiment. And that, statistically speaking, experiments like this have done a great deal to keep me from falling apart completely and having to go on Emergency Vacation.
I get to change the rules. I get to wear silly hats. I get to be afraid.
My Doom Monsters have some pretty compelling arguments, after all.
They know I’m the sole bread winner (god, that is such a Doom Monster phrase) in our home. They know this company is my baby and that I am a sucker for self-sacrifice. They know how much I care.
Patterns, again.
The thing I know from being a Shivanaut is this:
There are many ways to interrupt a pattern. They don’t need to be violent. And the best way to do it is with curiosity, playfulness and a sense of humor.
To be willing to flail around in the chaos for a while, knowing that whatever new form emerges is going to be useful.
(The last Doom Interlude)
Doom Monsters: You know what people are going to say about this, right? How nice for you, working from home. How nice it must be having all this time to just go for a walk or take a nap. That must be so NICE.
Me: What are you saying?
Doom Monsters: We know you. We know how the first three years of running the business you were a sleepless wreck, working nights and weekends and both harder and longer hours than any straight job.
Me: Of course you know that. You were there. It was all your fault.
Doom Monsters: Yeah but the people who read your blog don’t know that. They’ll be off in their own stuff about how hard their lives are, and it will just annoy them that you’re blowing off your work.
Me: I’m not blowing off — oh, right. Smoke and mirrors. Okay. You’re feeling anxious because you need to know that people won’t misunderstand me?
Doom Monsters: Yes.
Me: That’s sort of sweet.
Doom Monsters: Gaaaaaaaaaaah. Stop. Being. Understanding. What if they misunderstand?
Me: Well, that would suck. But it’d just be because they don’t know how things really are. Anyway, they’re sovereign beings and can have whatever reaction they want.
Doom Monsters: Oh. So you’re going to be okay?
Me: I don’t know. That’s the point. It’s a practice. We’re experimenting. Experimenting and taking notes.
Doom Monsters: Oh.
And comment zen for today …
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff.
We let people have their own experience, which means — among other things — that we don’t give advice, unless people ask for it (and you can generally assume that I’m not).
You’re more than welcome to share stories of your own, including any past or potential experiments in interacting with the doom and carving out space for yourself.
Kisses to the Commenter Mice, the Beloved Lurkers and anyone who reads.
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Hilarious. Fresh. Fun, and real. Thank you.
How very interesting. This monster has a very close cousin who lives inside of me, and tells me the same kind of things. Thank you for giving us new posibilities to live together a better life. I’m going to try talk to him this kind of way … Have a great day ;o)
It is *so nice* that you are able to do those things. To nap and read and yoga and dance and walk and mail something.
It sounds heavenly, in fact. And makes me figure out ways to have all the things I love in my day, too. I need more lounging areas for reading.
This just may be my new favorite post.
My ten qualities for today:
–Love.
–Creativity.
–Sovereignty.
–Humor.
–Peace.
–Intuition.
–Empathy.
–Sparkle.
–Flow.
–Charm.
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … Re-invention =-.
Oh, Havi.
This one line:
Remembering how I don’t have to agree to being loved like that.
nailed so much for me. I’ve been working on how love feels for me lately, and that sentence sums up everything for me.
These last 2 weeks of posts have been so incredibly brilliant for me right now, and I just want to say THANKS, You & Selma rock my lil world.
xoxox
Jess
Boy do I love this. My favorite part: not letting the List-Makers of Doom make the list.
Because boy, do I know these guys well. They will happily, gleefully, treacherously make an enormous list of all the things I must do right this minute or the world will end, my house will fall down, everyone will hate me and I’ll end up a bag lady on the street.
Having said that, I know that for me, part of interacting with the LMoD is to go ahead and let them make their really long list of all the things I must do right now or else….
And then I get curious.
Really? Will the world actually end if I don’t do this thing or that thing? Will people (which people exactly?) really hate me if I don’t do that other thing?
Usually by this time, I’ve calmed down enough (and the List-Makers of Doom are quiet because they’ve made their list) that I can actually think and make decisions about what really needs to be done, when and in what order.
At the risk of being gross… I actually wrote a whole thing on this. It’s on my blog: http://dreamgardencoaching.com/overcoming-overwhelm/
I took a couple of posts to describe the process I use when I get that overwhelmed, ‘OMG I can’t even think about all the things I have to do, never mind actually do them’ feeling.
These posts are the first draft versions of what turned into a mini e-book/audio guide that I give away on my site.
OK… Well Who-the-hell-do-you-think-you-are??? just figured out what I was writing here. Paralysis is starting to set in, so I think I’ll hit the submit button while I can still move.
.-= Liz´s last post … 5 Quick and Dirty Meal Planning Tips =-.
Oh! I so love the idea of linking qualities to small, concrete, doable things! Here’s mine:
-Shivanata plus perhaps an out-of-the-norm outdoor activity – it’s my weekend! – Fun!
-A nap or simply spending some time with my ‘it’s not safe to rest’ monsters – Rest (and safety).
-Cook some yummy food – Creativity.
-Time outside preferably by water – Love (and tranquility).
-Respond to the super kind, interesting, supportive people showing up in my life and on my blog – Gratitude.
That’s six. I think I’m happy with that. Yay!
.-= Larisa´s last post … The Hardest Thing in the World =-.
My brain is really excited about this idea and yet — I hear those doom monsters gnashing their teeth off in the distance. It is pretty crazy how alert those particular monsters are to the idea of letting Care take over instead of Panic. Even just the idea of it makes them get agitated! Interesting.
I also can tell I’m not quite ready to try this 10 things idea. But I hope I get to try it sometime soon. Thanks for modeling it for us, complete with attendant monsters 🙂
.-= Jesse´s last post … Recess- house-building with monsters- and unintended consequences =-.
Oh! Oh! What a great idea! (Sorry…a little excitable today.)
10 qualities, instead of a list of doom.
Your smartnesses continue to inspire.
xoxoxox
I really resonate with this. Trying to ease back into work after surgery and months off, I feel like I have a BILLION immediate URGENT things to do, right this second, you slacker!
But that only ties me up in knots and stifles my ability to do *anything*.
Thanks, you.
.-= Kyeli´s last post … 10 things the medical community won’t tell you about a hysterectomy =-.
“DOOM! DooooOOOoooM! See, we’re not the only ones, Havi’s monsters know this too! VERY IMPORTANT things will TOTALLY fall apart if you do not let us make a list and do it all NOW. NownownowNOW. Strike while the iron is hot. Early birds. Scarcity of Worms. DOOM.”
Oh, Monster darlings — You know I am having a very off day. So off that snorted coffee grounds up my nose. Then? I Tweeted about it. If THAT isnt Doom, I don’t know what is. So I really don’t see it getting much worse if we take the afternoon to just piddle around and soak in the following qualities:
Centeredness.
Confidence.
Contentment.
Enoughness.
And borrowed from @SpiralKatSong above:
–Sparkle.
–Flow.
–Charm.
That’s 7, which surely qualifies as Enoughness. If you Doom Monsters are so inclined, you may feel free to fight among yourselves about what the other three might be.
Alternatively, you could ask Havi’s monsters out to discuss our mutual doom over tea and cookies. I think you might enjoy that.
.-= Tori Deaux´s last post … The Circus- In Three Rings Or Less =-.
Erm. Seems I forgot to un-italicize after the monster-speak. So here’s a gratuitous </em > just in case I accidentally italicized everyone after me.
The Doom monsters are now *very* gleeful.
Havi, I love that each of your qualities walks hand-in-hand with an action. Beautiful! And the gleeful little birthday-girl in me is delighted to be in your action/qualities today. 🙂
Your doom monsters are both obnoxious and sweet, in a woolly-headed, clueless way. So happy they’re finally calming down and listening to you.
Love, Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Nine years ago- today… =-.
Oh oh oh this is gorgeous! Awesome! Thank you so much for this, Havi. *tags for the next time my Doom Monsters get wiggy*
.-= Ealasaid´s last post … Why I am not Psyched for Rock Band 3 =-.
I am working on flailing around in the chaos. It’s not comfortable for me, but I’m getting better at it. And some of the best things really do happen, there. When you have no idea what to do, it’s like you can finally consider ideas that change your world.
But still? Flailing? Not my idea of fun.
.-= Amber´s last post … I Heart Hipstamatic =-.
You need to make a big puppet show out of this. I’ll do the music.
Oh, my doom monsters are SO MAD that I read this post, and they SO don’t want me to make a list of 10 qualities. The list started spontaneously emerging anyway, and my doom monsters agreed I could post this list as long as I didn’t try to actually map out what activities these qualities are actually related to in my day. I appreciate their willingness to try this out!
-Patience
-Love
-Calm
-Focus
-The good kind of flailing that comes from Shiva Nata
-Soothing
-Care
-Receiving
-Movement
-Sovereignity
.-= Dawn Haney´s last post … More adventure- more rest- more of what’s essential =-.
Danielle LaPorte, the amazing woman who does The Firestarter Sessions, has a whole section called “How do you want to feel?” She says “knowing how you actually want to feel is the most potent form of clarity that you can have. Acting on generating those feelings it he most creative thing you can do with your life.”
Working on the Firestarter Sessions has really changed my life. She’s sort of like drinking Coke and eating PopRocks at the same time — I always get an almost explosive rush from her writing. It seemed applicable here, tho. 🙂
And I needed to remember this today. Thanks, Havi.
.-= Cathy´s last post … Why Do We Keep Trying To Be Prom Queen =-.
@Tori – we should DEFINITELY have a monster playdate. Maybe we could also record them saying the preposterous things they say … in the Arrested Development Have you heard what you actually sound like sort of way. That would be awesome.
@Dawn – I love your list of qualities. Brilliant.
@jesse – hugs to you. I also like to collect practices for later. 🙂
@andrea – puppet show! puppet show! The puppet show of doom!
Yay.
@Kathleen I love that you chose sparkle as a quality for the day – I also want some sparkle today
You don’t even understand how lists work!
Aha haha ha ha! Oh, that’s perfect! I really like this idea. Choosing qualities. Then choosing things to do to achieve them.
Very, very nice.
.-= Willie Hewes´s last post … Why would I want to talk to the ugly parts of my psyche =-.
I would love to see the puppet show of doom.
My urgency monsters are trying to convince me that I need to work every single waking moment in order to be ready for a show this weekend. I did manage to convince them that I should take a nap when I need one because if I keep working when I need a nap I’ll probably end up making mistakes and not getting much done anyway. When I’m awake though? Taking breaks to read comics and blogs between labeling labeling labeling and inventory inventory inventory. And listening to Devo while I work.
I’ll get done whatever I manage to get done. It will be enough. I can only do what’s possible.
.-= Riin´s last post … Random- ’cause that’s how I roll =-.
As always, deep gratitude for the gift/substance of you sharing your process. Especially as I’m poised midway between selling my gorgeous property in Nova Scotia (bought with wild joy by me and my deceased beloved 4 years ago) and returning all the way across the country to Alberta. Finding home again … learning to make my primary residence the home in my body …
I’ve lurked since meeting at Writer’s Spa last year and it is time, today, to say Namaste, Thank you, Bless you.
ANNA! I was *just* thinking about you the other day. The beautiful woman-with-semi-inappropriate-parrot you gave me is up on the wall at the Playground. And it is beautiful.
Sending you so much love!
Wowee. I’ve worked with the “just 10 things,” even “just one thing.” But the 10 qualities, that blows my mind. Thank you! I’m off to allow my 10 to emerge now.
.-= Molly Gordon´s last post … Four cures for the low self-confidence blues =-.
I even have experience writing music for puppet shows of doom, strangely enough. =) It had a 13-foot goddess puppet and blood and guts and insanity… fun stuff.
Seriously, though — I totally have a very Muppet-esque scenario going on while reading this, but pretty much any of your monster posts. They would be overwhelmingly awesome actually brought into physical existence (though, I’m sure you already feel they are quite real enough as it is, thank you).
cheers,
andrea
This is the perfect post for me to read right now. How do you always do that?
I got fired yesterday. No warning or anything, just ‘pack your things and go.’ So right now everything is up in the air and all I can try to do is trust myself to end up on my feet again. What you said about just flailing around in the chaos… yeah. I really needed permission to do exactly that, and it’s amazing for that permission to come from you. Thanks so much.