Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my Sunday ritual for clarity and remembering and stuff like that. Yay, ritual!
Here’s the thing. I’ve been unwell for four days.
It’s the stupid time change, which means insomnia for me.
And I have a splitting headache.
So the VPA-ing it is especially hard today, because my brain is not generating ideas for what is possible.
Oh well.
So I’m just going to plant the asks and trust that there is a large variety of possible ways that these things could work out.
Thing 1: Oh, rhythm, routine, ritual, stuff like that.
Here’s what I want:
Between being sick and weak and cranky for four days, and being on the road …
All my normal routine is shot to hell.
And right now I can’t manage any of the usual things that make my life good.
Like my morning bath, because this hotel room doesn’t have a bathtub. Two televisions and eleven chairs, but no bath.
Or tramping on the trampoline (even though one of the incredibly awesome participants in my Week of Biggification program actually brought hers for me to use). Because I still feel weak and dizzy.
Or doing my morning and evening wishing/writing/journaling, because ow headache.
So. I don’t know yet exactly what this ask is about.
New routines for this week. Bits and pieces of the old ones. Something like that.
Ways this could work:
My brain is toast.
I do not know.
I do not want suggestions.
Just want something to come to me.
My commitment.
To find moments that are pleasurable.
Sitting by the window.
Realizing how refreshing apple juice is when you don’t feel well.
Sloooooooooow old Turkish lady yoga.
And to do more of them. And to turn them into rituals that will sustain me this week.
I’ll either get back to what was good before, or this will be the new good, or something else will happen.
Thing 2: The non-exam.
Here’s what I want:
I’ve been wanting to come up with that thing that is not actually a test.
But a collection of concepts and stuff I teach.
So that I can take this material deeper, which is what I keep trying to do. But it’s hard when you need everyone to be on board with the basics.
Ways this could work:
Maybe I’ll get Shiva Nata to break everything down into themes and then teach a course.
My commitment.
To take notes.
To be playful.
To remember that there is time.
Thing 3: Oh, right. Time.
Here’s what I want:
Time! I would like some.
To do some writing. Or some sleeping. Or some typing of things that need to be typed.
Ways this could work:
Look for the holes.
Look for the gaps.
My commitment.
I will pay attention.
Thing 4: Trust and faith.
Here’s what I want:
To remember what beautiful things people are capable of.
And give them space to remind me.
Ways this could work:
Patience. Patience. Patience.
My commitment.
To wait and see.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I put out the word for people for Lindsay’s program in Scotland. I’ll have to check in with her to find out what’s what.
The orange sweater. Nothing. Darcy sweetly offered to fix it for me (yay Darcy!) except my sweater is gigantic, so bringing it to North Carolina would have constituted my entire luggage.
Lots of kind suggestions of places to take it to be fixed helped me to realize that I hadn’t correctly stated my ask. My ask wasn’t really for the sweater to be fixed but for an easy-yet-unconventional way for it to be fixed.
Because I already knew where to take it to be fixed. Yarn shops in Portland are like nail salons in San Francisco. You kind of have to go out of your way to em>not run into one.
Really what I had been hoping for was this: that some neat connection would arise or I’d get to meet one of my people. But the ask did lead me to the discovery that a friend of a friend has a shop in town. So that’s cool.
Ease with travel. And Selma and I had BY FAR the easiest travel we have ever had. EVER! It was nothing short of miraculous. Just smoothness and smoothness and more smoothness.
Bloggery magic and elegance in problem-solving. Didn’t even slightly happen. I’m sure something else did instead, but my head is still not functioning so maybe that will show up later.
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
What I’d rather not have:
- The word “manifest”.
- To be told how I should be asking for things.
- To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given advices.
Wishing love and good things for your Very Personal Ads! So glad for everyone doing this with me.
Follow
I’ve been putting out this informal ask for magic lately, and it’s been coming in the most wonderful ways.
What I want: More magic. Keep it comin’.
How this could work: I could keep writing. I could do some Shiva Nata. I could keep working on my Month of Social Magic project, and reaching out to people and learning about my shyness and its limits.
My commitment: To write. To act more and think the same amount or less. To be both open and generous at the same time.
Fairy dust to everyone’s wishes.
Ugh. Still not feeling well? I’m so sorry, Havi!
What I want:
Ease and clarity around this thing that needs to happen today.
To do the thing with an open mind and heart, and not project my fears and worries onto the situation.
For the lines of communication to be truly open.
Ways this could work:
No idea, really.
I could magically discover that my fears were totally unfounded? Like I said, no idea.
My commitment:
To meditate and do the alignment exercise before doing this thing. To acknowledge how I’m feeling before and after, and to be kind to myself.
I also am asking this week for a return to routine. October was insanely busy with travel and big work obligations, and then colds and other sickness on the part of my love. I haven’t been able to sleep in my own bed for almost a week because of the germy coughing etc. I have lost my sitting practice, my ShivaNata, my regular dance exercise, my whole routine in a shambles. So this week..
What I want:
A new routine that includes morning practice, weekly exercise, a commitment to magical work, and keeping house.
I would like it to be fresh and comfortable and productive.
I would like it to reduce stress and bring peace
Ways this could work:
The sicky ickies could leave my house
I can be diligent about getting up on time
I am not sure how else
My Commitment:
To continue the slow work of tidying the house even though I am still not 100%
To continue to take my meds and drink lots of water to help usher this cold out of my body
To tidy the temple and continue the slow work of processing my experiences over the last week.
To cleanse the house energetically
I am so sorry to hear you are not feeling well, particularly while teaching – it makes it sooo much less fun – been there done that.
****hug****
You’re in my thoughts for feeling better very soon!!!
Much love!
Andy
I hope the horrible sick and dizzy and headachy soon leaves you, leaving your brain – happy? zingy? just the way you want it? Ha, this now makes me feel like it’s a vignette from a zombie movie. How cute would Selma look in a zombie costume?! Zombie pirate duck. Hmm…moving along perhaps…
One of last weeks asks was for getting some more of my novel written, with a side order of patience – most of the week this didn’t happen as I was defintely experiencing zombie brain – but I managed not to wallow in self-hatred, and then this weekend I’ve had a major problem-solving epiphany and got the first section finished in draft. I also managed to find a lovely, reasonably priced cheval mirror with delivery, so yay ask from a few weeks back. And I got my job application in on time.
So this week….
Ask one. I should hear whether or not I’ve got a job interview this week. What I want is for grace, clarity and calmness whatever the outcome.
How it could happen:
– talk to my monsters if necessary
– do things that bring grace, calmness and clarity – yoga, drinking tea, appreciating autumn leaves and the sea
My commitment:
– to allow myself to feel what I’m feeling
– to remember this is not the only opportunity in the world
Ask Two. I’m staring a new MA module this week. I want it to go smoothly – more grace, calmness and clarity, and less panic and stress.
How it could happen:
– log on tomorrow night, work out what I need to do and when
– check noticeboards, etc, to make sure I don’t miss out on vital announcements again
– more of the yoga, magic (not that sort of magic) teas, nature time
My commitment:
– to remember that time spent doing yoga or relaxing is not a waste of time/lazy
– if I’m feeling overwhelmed, take a step back and talk to the overwhelm
– talk to my lecturers
-remember I don’t have to do all three months work in one month
Ask three. Ideas for making money in a way other than sitting in an office.
How this could work:
– shiva nata
– the right idea(s) will just pop into my head
– it’s already all there, I just need to find it
My commitment:
– not to beat myself up in nothing turns up
– write everything down. No matter how stupid it might seem.
– Open mind
– Curiosity
This could be interesting.
Update from last week: I wanted to see some momentum build with the client-building now that my business has actually started. And it totally did! It’s small progress… the best kind, because I can see all of the steps I need to take and it feels manageable. I also unexpectedly made some great connections with people that could have longer-range productiveness.
This week’s Wants
What I want: To dream up and work on developing some new habits that make my day-to-day life smoother. I didn’t drop the ball on anything in this most busy of busy weeks, but I want it to be easier next time.
Ways This Could Work: I could think of one or two things that I could work on and focus on them until they stabilize into habits. I could forgive myself in advance when I don’t do what I planned. I could clean my house in a frenzy today so that the little things I want to habitualize have a better chance of sticking.
My commitment: To remember that I don’t have to be perfect. To be thankful for the changes I’ve made this year already.
I have a Thing 2 and a Thing 3, but, since I’m new to this VPA asking, I think I’ll keep it to one. The better for focusing my intention and doing what I need to to make it happen.
I hope you all have a lovely week!
Havi, sending you lots of love for rest and recovery.
I don’t think I’ve done Sunday VPAs before! So, going to try now. First time for the win!
Thing that I want #1:
Have ease and fun with planning my yoga class (happening in one hour!) And calm and balance while teaching it. For this new thing (yoga teaching) to feel natural, supporting and sweet. For people to exhale and make “Ahhhh” sounds with me.
Ways this could happen: I can sit on the floor with my books and pick out the poses that I like. I can bring my iPod and play with the music list. I can remember to go for unexpected: like a lot of balancing.
My commitment: to let my students own their experiences and their bodies. To ask if anyone would like hands-on adjustments, before touching people. To remember to breathe before I speak.
Thing that I want #2:
Need to send out some emails tonight, and make some plans. Want it to happen with grace, confidence and spaciousness. Would like to have monsters chilling out in the safe rooms. Also, want more clarity on this whole thing.
Ways this could work: I could drop off monsters at the Monster Sitting Collective. I could send a Negotiator to take notes and take care of them for me. Then, I could wear my appropriately geeky T-shirt for the actual email writing part.
My commitment: to write on the margins, and write about the emails, if I cannot write the emails themselves.
Thing that I want #3:
I have a case of karma yoga that did not go the way the I
wanted it to. It’s old and sticky at this point. I am not planning to have it solved right away. I want to take notes and learn about different parts. And then maybe allow one little piece of it shift.
Ways this could work: not sure. I can pull out my notes about it. I can find where the pictures and videos are, and look at them. And take notes about what comes up.
My commitment: to spend 5 minutes on this tonight.
Ohhh today:
Thing one: taking a giant leap this week. Looking really forward to it. Wanting it to go well.
Ways this could work: I could budget the time I need to prepare properly. I could ask for support and help. I could choose not to stress out extra by doing some of the stuff now. I could remember hostess gifts.
My commitment: to let my inner type-A out to play as much as it wants. To overplan if it makes me happy. And then to relax and be all myself. And to hem my pants.
Thing two: the barn door of infinitude.
Dear heaven above, the door is still swinging in the breeze. I would like to have it close. It should close in about a week, one way or the other. Meanwhile…
Ways this could work: let it go let it go. Focus on what I can do. Be myself. Know it will be ok.
My commitment: to welcome Tranquility. To love the stuff that’s happening and going well. To just Be. And to journal.
Thing three. Is very…personal. But I am planning for a yay shift.
Thing four: someone dear to me is going through a radical diet shift. Wanting it to go well for her.
Ways this could work: I could be supportive, and shift a little, too.
My commitment: to think ahead and plan accordingly.
For Havi, wellwishes. And thanks for the “talking with monsters” tactic, it is helping.
@Kyeli: love the idea of asking for magic. Yay! magic. Thus, thing four:
Magic, please. I don’t know how. I am open.
Very Personal Ad #11
Update on last week!:
Thing 1 was loving guidance. And the changes I was making went vertical, 180, backflipped, and said “Nyaa nyaa!”… and then stuck. Way to go, awesome self.
Thing 2 was courage. I jittered on the edge of the abyss, and managed to keep my footing. Or hand-holds, as it feels tho case may be.
Thing 3 was healing. I DID THE WORKOUTS! And they are not enough, but they are a good start to moving a thing which does not want to.
Thing 4 was life. As in, the getting of. And the desperate clawing, scraping did not go away. But now I know the nature of it. Now I know where it is. Now I know what to do with it.
So, this week!
Thing 1: Rest and relaxation
What I would like: To stop freaking out. To catch my breath. To not get sick again.
Ways this could happen: Therapy.
And discovering more ways of doing it.
And doing all the things available to me to make it better.
And being kind to myself.
And not making myself feel all bad when/if I screw up.
My commitment: To take it easy.
To do the therapy, often.
To come off some of the sugar and see if that helps anything.
Thing 2: Grounding and solidifying
What I would like: For these wonderful changes to make their way to my bloodstream, where they can’t get lost.
Ways this could happen: Therapy.
Reminders.
Talking to the male-person and having him help keep an eye out for things.
My commitment: To talk.
To do the therapy.
To write and read the damn reminders.
hug havi! hope you feel like your usual self soon.
my VPA will sound a bit shallow, but it is what i want, now.
context: my younger brother is getting married in 1 month. i do not have a date nor any prospect of a date, nor a friend that can come with me to this. usually i don’t mind, i am quite used to being with myself and by myself in this things. but today, in a big family reunion, i was pointed out as the only case, ever…EVER, to be single/no partner, no ex-husband, nor kids, at my AGE. i joked and laughed politely, but it did hurt. still does, and it did before all this, but i was ok with it.
Thing #1
i want this not to hurt
Ways it could work
i could meet/find/remember someone great and fun that would want to come with me to this thing
i could just accept this and hope that i don’t need a date to be ok in this celebration and just be happy for them and not worry about how lonely i feel.
My commitment
keep making space for new people to come into my life
“he” could just finally realize what i feel and feel that too
be ok with the fact “he” just may not
work on my patterns and use this oportunity to be ok with things that are not quite up to me to work on, or make it happen, that dreaming and daring sometimes are just not enough
some hope and accepting the way things are now does not mean they will be forever like this
have a big cry and see what comes out from shiva nata, and writing and a lot of the other useful things i do, but know that they may help for coming to terms with this hurt, but wont get me out of this loneliness
hugs to all.
I hope you’re feeling better soon, Havi!
And hey, if you don’t actually feel up to doing Shiva Nata, I offer the following Shiva Nata grooves for you to look at. I thought of you when I posted them last week.
Best to everyone’s VPAs!
Hugs, Havi! Feel better soon!
And hugs and lots of love to fellow VPA-ers. Just knowing you’re here helps, and I do think of you during the week.
My VPA:
I’d like to either stop being so amorphous in my many-faceted STUFF that needs to get done, or embrace the idea that it’s supposed to be amorphous. Either way, be one with my, er, stuffness.
How that could happen:
Well, probably however it’s not happening now. Because whatever I’m doing right now doesn’t seem to be working!
My commitment:
I’m going to take care of myself. Meditate. Get sleep. Get up early. Listen. Be happy regardless.
Thanks, and much love, guys!
Thing 1:
I want to get through this day. The idea of this once-in-a-lifetime-chance to learn about norse mythology is all very well.. if i’d slept. And if it didn’t go on until 10pm… and if I could be dropped off and picked up; rather than a walk then a bus then a walk. Oh, there’s 30 mph winds out there too.
Ways this could work?
She could cancel. My housemate who was going to drive us could cancel [possible due to personal stuff happening this morning]. I could suddenly find energy.
My commitment?
To buy some form of fizzy drink since i don’t drink tea or coffee. I’ve prepared a strong green tea and i’ll buy pepsi or something at University.
Thing 2:
To take care of myself throughout the day – to find out what I need and to give it to myself.
I’d also love to get through this week – ethics forms are due in, I’ve a presentation worth 15% of a grade to give and still no idea what I’m doing.
And I’ve no energy.
Ways this could work?
Take it a day at a time. And have faith.
My commitment:
To work when I’m able to. To cry or dance when I feel the need. To perhaps try out this “napping” thing.
Thank you Havi for providing this space on your blog; I feel a little more hopeful already. 🙂
Progress on last asks:
*A teensy step toward finding shivanauts (or enlisting some) in my area
*Bigger steps toward a mentor – meeting set up with a potential one
* No earrings yet
This weeks wants:
1) energy to sustain an idea I have
How:
Keep talking to monsters,yoga,
commitment:
*stay playful
2) enjoyment of mornings even though it’s dark and getting cold (my least favorite things)
How:
Don’t have any idea
Commitment:
Perhaps if I refrain from fighting the course of nature (wry smile)?
3) To make more progress on the bigger “thing” which could become my thesis work
How: Try out the new ideas I have, keep talking to the pressure monsters, Ask for help from new friend,
Commitment:
To play with the ideas, stay open to new ones, let it go if it doesn’t pan out, deal with anger
Hope you feel better soon Havi!
Eleven chairs… haha, that’s absurd.
I want:
My brain to be working and charged and to be really awake so that I can get done those Things I Know I Ought to Do.
How this could work:
I don’t know! What does it need? Sleep? Coffee? Music? Shiva Nata? Lots of *headdesk*?
My commitment:
Shiva nata.
Sleep.
Honest effort to work on those Things for at least an hour each.
I’m going to the class in Edinburgh! 🙂
I saw you mention it on Twitter, and it was like *the perfect thing* to just magically appear out of nowhere!
(Well, sadly I can’t go to the class-class, because I live elsewhere in Scotland, but I’m going for a session! Yays!)
I’ve been feeling disconnected from my body for a while now, so it’s a serious dose of perfectness – thankyou Havi 🙂
Hmmm. Horrible horrible ghastly horrible to be so sick Havi. eyuu. Hope you feel better soon!
I’d like my deep sleep back please.
I’d love less insecurity about the new projects i am playing with. I do stuff and I love doing it – and then I feel weird and worry that is not good enough. i feel sooooo vulnerable and then at the same time i adore it. I have an unfamilar self belief which even i doubt..
Rather than using analysis, dramarama, metaphor, cognitive stuff…..I’d just like the worry to fall away. it’s a big a ridiculously big wish but still why not? Ease is meant to be easy and im ready for even more of it.
to make progress with my it gremlins. to keep feeling positive in ze cubicle and being able to let things bounce off me.
I’m committed to breathing. And looking after myself however i can. being kind and patient even in my impatience.
xx
First time doing this exercise, and I like it a lot – made me really THINK about “what I want” in a concrete way. Which is something I tend to avoid, preferring big fuzzy ideas of greatness. heh.
What I want: kind of a biggie: get off unemployment via having a healthy and reliable income
How this could work: Sell more erotica stories, also finish getting my own blog launched and find readers.
My commitment: Write. I need to be writing. I need to commit to writing, in a strong and positive way and not in a self-defeating and punishing way. I will also work on visualizing the kind of financial stability I deserve. Also, keep up with the yoga, kbs. Yesssssss.
Newbie on the VPAs as well. LOVE the concept.
What’s brewing for me & mine is a possible move away from a town and home we love. Nothing is certain yet, which is part of what makes things off-balance.
My want:
To be at peace with what happens as it unfolds. Equanimity.
How this could work:
Spending time meditating, getting the house in order to prepare and to reflect the order I want within, exercising.
My commitment:
Clearing one small spot a day beyond the usual, daily cleanup; making self care a gentle priority; finding ways to kindly tell worry that I’ll get back to it soon.
I followed my heart and took a huge leap of faith this past weekend: I signed up to be a part of the chorus for a local production of Candide. Both of my sweeties are worried that this will make it harder for me to finish my dissertation proposal, but I realized that the timing of the rehearsals is actually quite good, with the bulk of the time commitment coming in after the proposal should already be written but before I have to defend it. Furthermore — and perhaps more importantly — I realized that if I didn’t do this thing that my heart was telling me to do, my anger, sadness and resentment would be as likely to block my proposal writing as anything else, whereas if I did follow my heart in this matter, it could serve as extra motivation to get the proposal finished and out of the way, and to prove to everyone, myself included, that the decision wasn’t a huge mistake.
My ask: Please, please, let me be right about this.
That is all.
Whew.
Leila,
love the wish for ease and the recognition that, hey, ease can happen “ease”ily.
What a concept!
Add that to my wish list please.
How it could happen:
Easily!
My committment: to allow for lightness
Just one VPA this week:
To find a way in which I’m able to get at least some of my external to-do list done at the current dayjob.
The current day-job does not occupy me for the time that I’m expected to be present in the office. I find this frustrating and tiring (much more so than actually having a full day of work would be). And yet, I find it incredibly hard to do any of the *other* things that I could usefully do with the time. And I don’t know why.
How this might happen:
– I might work out what the problem is.
– I might reduce my hours at work.
– I might find ways in which I can make this easy for myself.
My commitment:
– To keep experimenting.
(Actually, the resistance to even the idea of *experimenting* is… telling. I shall think more on this.)
Something you have hinted at in your HAT pages, is the stupidity of this ‘positive thinking’ trend (and its problem: rejecting anything ‘negative.’)
Perhaps you have discussed it elsewhere, but I have not noticed.
Please please pleeease! consider speaking out about this more.
I think there is still far too little education on the matter. Far too much stupidity circulating. My hunch is you have some brilliant things to say about it.
Wishing you health,
~ Amy
Brain going mushy due to time changes and feeling sick…I’m right there with ya, Havi.
Here’s my VPA:
– To finally get up the nerve to post here (after following your blog for the past 4 months) 😉
– To stop being so afraid to get close to people
I already did the first, yay! One down, one more to go…
Unfortunately, it’s the BIG one.
I’ve been dating someone for a while now, and things are starting to get serious. My fear-of-rejection monster keeps rearing it’s head, screaming and flailing its arms in warning. “Don’t open up, you could get hurt! Remember all the times you opened up to others and were rejected?! Ahhhh!”
Here’s what I’m gonna do:
Talk to my monster. Find out why he’s freaking out. Find out what he needs to feel reassured and support me as I take a big step in my relationship. Maybe bake him some cinnamon buns. 🙂
My VPA: I am looking for a way to convey to a very sweet, helpful, well-meaning friend that the book she wanted me to lend another friend of mine that is in pain would not actually help him right now, but would make him cry a lot. I don’t know how to explain it to her without either causing her to feel sorry for me or without causing her to feel that I don’t approve of some choices she has made. I love her and think her choices are great for her, but not everyone has the personal integrity necessary for making those choices work. Oh, man, even my VPA sounds judgey. Argh!
It is clogging my brain and creating weepy moments at inappropriate times (because I don’t even know I’m thinking about it in the background and then it breaks the surface and I go from fine to bleagh in seconds).
How this might happen:
I don’t know. Really. Every conversation I have in my head goes horribly wrong. Every email I try to write goes wrong. Trying not to think about it goes wrong. Argh!
My commitment:
Really not up to me right now, I am in the teeth of it, not the other way around. I will keep trying to find a way to speak from love and not from my own personal related pain she doesn’t know about. I guess I will commit to being gentle with myself, because that’s a big block and I need it right now.
Thing #1: What I want: Packing and moving (woot!!!) to be very very easy.
Ways this could work: I could just decide to leave a lot of things behind. Or I could realize I really don’t have all that much stuff. Or I could find really god music. Or maybe it just takes less time than I’d thought.
My commitment: To not freak out when people try to help me with this.
Thing #2: What I want: The secret project I’m working on to FINALLY get finalized so I can actually start working on it.
Ways this could work: A magical contract could appear upon my desk. Or mailbox. Or inbox. Then I could sign it, if it looks right.
My commitment: To at least entertain the thought of being patient.
Thing #3: What I want: For the thing I’m going to with “the guys” to not be awkward.
Ways this could work: They could just not act weird for once. Or there could be a few of them not acting weird who I could talk to and not notice the others. Or this could work in some way I’m not comprehending. Like, what if *I’M* the one who acts weird? Then I could stop acting weird.
My commitment: To try to relax a little, and be cool (but not too cool) whatever that is.
Thing #4: What I want: For my interview with Ms. Susan Wooldridge of poemcrazy fame to be perfect.
Ways this could work: No static? More amazing audio editing by Kelli. Magic.
My commitment: To put love into my work and try to relax.