The day before yesterday I was watching myself studiously avoiding a thing, in a variety of clever and fabulous ways.
After taking the appropriate amount of time (ninety seconds?) to admire my smoking hot avoidance skills, I went back to what I know. Namely:
- I know that avoiding something generally means that I care about it more than I think.
- And that talking to the walls and finding out what the stuck and the resistance need is crazy useful.
But I didn’t want to do it.
Specifically, me-who-was-in-resistance really didn’t like the idea, and was getting pretty vocal about that. Here’s what happened.
We begin by not beginning.
Note! Because this is one of those awkward conversations between me and … myself, I am referring to the me who is in resistance (but doesn’t want to talk about it) as Resistance Mouse Me.
As in, the version of me who is a resistance mouse.
Resistance Mouse Me (RMM): Nooooooooooooooo! No talking! No!
Me: Wow. You sound really upset. Are you okay?
RMM: If we talk about this you will chastise me and I don’t want to be chastised. It’s not fair! It isn’t! I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just recovering. I’m just tired.
Me: Of course you are, sweetie. I am not going to chastise you. I am not interested in chastising anyone.
RMM: Are you sure?
Me: Listen, I love you. And I am not trying to change you. What do you need to feel safe? What would help you feel better?
RMM: Really? Because I don’t know if I trust you.
Me: If there is something that would help you feel better so you’re not in the guilt and pain, then I want to know so we can make sure you get it.
Expansiveness and limits.
RMM: Really?
Me: Of course. I hadn’t realized you were feeling so fearful. I’m sorry. I I know there’s always a good reason for avoidance.
RMM: I need expansiveness. And spaciousness. And time. Lots and lots of time. I want to go to the hot pools. I want a massage from A. I want to relax and not feel guilty! But I DO feel guilty.
Me: Aw, sweetheart. I’m so sorry. Where is this guilt coming from?
RMM: Me! I want to be a helper mouse! I can do this project and help you finish it, if I just buckle down. But I don’t want to.
Me: What if we give you a permission slip to not have to?
RMM: But then who will get this project done? And don’t say another version of you/me, because even if we are multiple aspects of one person, there are still only 24 hours in the stupid day. Someone has to do it!
Me: You are right. There are only 24 hours. That’s true. And … what else is true?
What else is true?
RMM: That I don’t have to do everything myself.
Me: Uh huh. And?
RMM: That there is support everywhere. That when I am rested and not tangled up in guilt, everything will go faster.
And it’s okay if it takes a while. But also that we will both feel soooo much better when it’s done.
But it doesn’t have to be done by me. I get it but I also don’t get it.
Me: Well, let’s treat this as an experiment.
What if …
First I make a list right now of what needs doing.
And then we take you to the hot pools. And then you let me look at what has already been done so far and make a time estimate of how long it might take. And then we take you for a walk.
And then I spend 25 minutes editing decorating the document we already have. Would that work?
Promise that you won’t work too hard.
RMM: It sounds good but then you’re stuck doing all the work because I’m too lazy to do it.
Me: Ach, Quatsch! You are not lazy.
RMM: Yes, I am.
Me: No, sweetie. You’re tired and worn out from doing all that teaching while you were sick. You’re in recovery mode. And you shouldn’t have to do anything ever again unless you want to. Would you like a safe room?
RMM: Yes, please. But only if you promise that you won’t work too hard.
Me: I promise. I have Pirate Queen powers. It will be fun. And there will be PLAY. Play! We will find out how. But rhinestone gloves will be involved.
RMM: Oh, good. I worry about you so much.
Me: And I worry about you. I guess we both worry too much. So tell me about your safe room.
The safe room.
RMM: Hot pools! Private hot pools! And Hiro is there, of course, and we can talk and giggle and make things beautiful.
And there’s a room with a giant adobe fireplace. And a bedroom with a glorrrrrrious bed. Green and blue blankets. And a fountain to help me sleep.
And sandwiches! And a warm bathrobe draped over a chair just for me. And lots of books to read on my phone.
Me: That sounds absolutely terrific. I approve of this plan!
You do?
RMM: You do?
Me: Of course I do. Don’t I want you to be happy? Don’t I want all of my selves to be cared for and appreciated? Is that not one part of what this whole crazy thing of being alive and working on our stuff is about?
RMM: Oh.
Me: Listen. I don’t need you at the front of the V, honey. You have already done enough. You did great. And now it’s time to just be cared for and adored like you deserve.
RMM: And I’m not leaving you alone to suffer?
Me: Not at all. You’re leaving so that I can play without disturbing you.
I have internal and external resources. I am going to ask for helper mice.
We’ll divide this project mission into small pieces and invent a puzzle. Goofballosity will prevail.
And now I know where the resistance is coming from so I can see how completely legitimate it is. It’s a reminder for that thing I thought I knew but wasn’t doing: not to fight the resistance but to find out what it needs.
Have fun!
RMM: Rock on. Have fun!
Me: Have fun yourself! And say hi to Hiro. KISSES!
And comment zen for today…
While I hide in my blanket fort.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We let other people have their stuff. We take responsibility for our experience. We let them have their experience. That’s how it works.
We are curious and inquisitive. We don’t give unsolicited advice.
Things that are welcome: thoughts, wonderings, your own experience, stuff you’re trying, your own internal conversations. Internet hugs all around!
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This –> “I know that avoiding something generally means that I care about it more than I think.”
I’ll need to chew on that for a while. Because I think it’s true. I avoid things because I care if they go wrong. Or if they go not-perfect.
and….a puzzle?! Parts of a project = puzzle pieces? I like that!
Yay, I got to see both Resistance Mouse & Metaphor Mouse today 🙂
(You rock. Happy Blanket Forting, Havi)
I’ve been resistance-mousing myself lately, and then getting into circular argument of “I need to rest/ I need money” panic where I realize the “rest” isn’t the whole story but the desperation was causing problems. So this is good to read right now.
Also, I think I see a possible Metaphor, which you’ve written about before but I never connected. I’m going to try looking at this whole money-making thing of mine like a videogame, which I tend to use to de-stress. Hmmmm. Thanks for that!
Oh, Havi, what a perfectly wonderful conversation! Hi and hugs and steaming hot pools of delicious rest for Resistance Mouse You. And so much love for all of your sweet selves…
xoxo Hiro
Mmmmmmmaaaaahhhh…..
Lovely modeling here.
Thanks so much!
I especially needed it’s more important to me than I thought. Bingo! Brought the little relief tears to the eyes, the stingy little tears of someone-gets-it.
Inspired to stop and slow and converse within more.
I had been doing a bit of not so gentle interrogation of Scared. Also heimlich maneurvering: cough it up why doncha? What’s the prob here?
There’s been running ragged and buckling down and muscling through first ever terrifying ‘launch’ of ‘offer’ on web.
Each and every little piece of doing/being is important. Also, not at all important. No pressure whatsoever.
What a gift that you’re here, Havi, and every mouse.
Grateful!
I needed to see this right now. Thank you for sharing.
@jude – oo yeah, tears of truth! they’re the ones that make you know it’s real huh.
havi, thanks as always – i’m off to chat with my rmm now, nicely, compassionately, sweetly : ]
Lovely. I adore how you can talk through stuckness, not give advice, yet offer such clarity without telling anyoe what to do! I want to engage with the resistance too much, let it expand into a huge monster and then cower from its power. Far less drama to talk to it when it’s the size of a mouse. Or even a goat.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Oh, thank you, Havi! My own resistance mouse doesn’t want to talk either, and I hadn’t stopped to think that I could begin by asking her why the talking is scary. I’m now preparing an inner space with a comfy couch, pillows, blankets, and cocoa. Perhaps, if we can spend a little time wrapped up cozily together first, then she and I can reach an understanding.
I love the word ‘mission’. I’ve been trying to use it with my 5-year-old, in fact. “Right now your mission is to put on your shoes.” I thought this was some top-notch parenting. It communicates urgency, but isn’t angry or naggy. Sadly, it didn’t work out like I’d hoped, though, because in response she said, “What’s a mission? And anyway, I’d rather draw.”
But for myself? I’m totally ditching the word ‘project’ and adopting mission. 🙂
Love the TLC/teamwork approach.
Havi, you struck gold.
My Resistance Mouse has taken control of this vessel. It’ll take the equivalent of a SWAT team and a hostage negotiator to get her out.
It’s the end of the semester and I’m wore out. I recently put myself through a paint-a-thon in an attempt to enter a school show, all while doing my required reading, studying, writing, and – oh yeah – trying to work and keep one eyeball vaguely on my extracurricular projects. The stirrings of rebellion are simmering within.
Because even though I know I need rest, there’s a tiny voice that thinks that I might just be lazy. That trying to stop and take care of myself is simply a cop-out. I’m alarmed at how quickly that voice hissed at me when I tried to think of my own Safe Room. It told me that I haven’t done enough to deserve it. That’s pretty heavy. That’s something to work through, huh?
Maybe I should look through the ranks of the V. Check out everyone’s qualifications and find a suitable driver for a bit; at least until the Good Ship is seaworthy again.
Hi Havi, wonderful conversation model, just what I needed. So much resistance where I thought there would be smooth sailing after being biggified for a week. Working through some thanks to Dance of Shiva, but still so tired from traveling, etc. The hot pool sounds lovely, always works for me. Work will get done next week-really! Happy Ducking Out!
Tricia
Struggling a lot with resistance right now (including resistance around posting here… or doing ANYTHING ELSE that might actually be useful), so this is really helpful to read.
(The being tired rings really true, as well; and Circumstances right now make it genuinely difficult to do the self-care I would have tried doing 3 months ago.)
(Oh. I didn’t realise that *that* was part of why I’m feeling so het up and anxious at CurrentJob. I can’t do my looking-after-self stuff that I was getting better at doing; at least not while I’m *there*, and when I’m *not* there I want to get on with everything else. [sigh])
Anyway. More talking to ResistanceMe.
Thanks, Havi. I have been resistance central over the past several days and in a lot of agony about how to deal with it. I know how much I care about what I’m in denial about too, so I’m about to do an expressive arts process for some gentle massaging and then have a dialogue.
I am a Resistance Mouse,
I hide in my Resistance House,
and I’ve been here all week…
…so, yeah, Whoa.
I’ve been so resistant lately to figuring out why I’ve been resisting lately, this post just blew my mind. Kablooey.
I almost wish I had seen this sooner, because it might’ve helped me when I was at my lowest… but then again, the resistance might’ve been feeling neglected lately, what with my record-breaking stretch of days doing “at least some work”, so maybe it needed some time to be in charge.
I guess I don’t know for sure what my resistance needs though… which brings me back to being glad that this post was here for me when I climbed out of the lowest part of my slump! 🙂 I am here, and here I am, and oh look, the MOST PERFECTEST POST FOR ME TO READ FOR THIS MOMENT IN TIME! Yippee!
You rock, Havi.
I posted my comment before reading others’ comments… and I love the “tears of truth” thing! I got those! You got me! We got each other! <3 to all!