Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my Sunday ritual for clarity and remembering and stuff like that. Yay, ritual!
Let us dooo eeeet.
Thing 1: a real weekend!
Here’s what I want:
Oh I want this so much it almost makes me cry.
I have not had a real weekend since August.
Four of those weekends I was teaching. The rest have been spent on my Kitchen Table program.
Trouble-shooting challenges, brainstorming solutions, planning the transition to the new year, rewriting the manual.
And then all weekend I’ve been doing that too. And I am done.
A weekend! For me! Please! And the most frustrating thing is knowing that it’s in my hands. It’s not like I’m waiting for someone else to okay it.
Ways this could work:
Even though there is still so much left to be done, I can remember that there is often lots left to be done. And that it will be okay.
My gentleman friend could whisk me away to a land with no computers.
I’ve already scheduled in lots of days off in 2011, and always after I teach on weekends.
Plotting and planning! But not today!
My commitment.
To figure out what is needed.
To reevaluate what my time is for. To appreciate what it means — for everyone involved — when I give it to myself.
To put out the gwish here and trust that a perfect, simple solution will make itself known. And if not, I’ll keep thinking on it.
A postscript to this one: I would prefer not to receive advice on this.
Thing 2: words!
Here’s what I want:
There is a completely genius idea that is living in my head right now and driving me crazy.
Right now it’s just zooming around in these amorphous ever-changing fireworks patterns. I am only catching glimpses, and it is magnificent.
So I need it to slow down and translate itself into words that can be written down, because that’s how I process information.
Ways this could work:
Ten minutes of Shiva Nata, of course. Since that’s where the brilliant idea came from to begin with.
I can ask for more information. Or for a clearer sense of what the patterns are.
Or for a tuning fork.
My commitment.
To appreciate what comes.
To be curious.
To talk to the monsters.
To dance dance dance!
Thing 3: announcements and timing…
Here’s what I want:
I have three things to announce to the Havi’s Announcing a Thing group this week (sign-up for that lives on the events page, if you’re interested).
So a bunch of things need to line up and fall into place for that.
Ways this could work:
I am invoking ease, smoothness, and efficiency.
And using Maryann’s secret play date.
Other than that, I’m not sure. But open to pleasant surprises.
My commitment.
To bring as much lightheartedness to this as I can stand.
To dance on it, walk on it, write on it, and let it happen in the best way possible.
Thing 4: smooth transition to Dry Dock.
Here’s what I want:
The Kitchen Table website is going into Dry Dock for a few days while we make a bunch of back-end fixes and set things up for Year Three.
In the meantime we have a hidden space for everyone to keep playing and checking in with each other.
And we have tech pirates working on trying to make the fixes happen as quickly as possible.
Ways this could work:
I would just like this to be an ease-filled transition.
My commitment.
Patience. Trust. Love. Stuff like that.
Or if I can’t manage any of that, to give myself permission to freak the hell out for a while.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted a word for something that isn’t a goal or a mission or a task, and got it. Destination. That’s what we’re using for now.
Then there was an ask about the Great Desk Switcheroo for the Playground. And a solution has presented itself that is not even slightly what I was imagining. Huh.
I was stalled on my 2011 schedule, and that got taken care of. It’s done and I love it.
And the last thing was seclusion. That’s worked pretty well. I said no to … well, most things that came my way. Avoidance mouse! It was great. Thank you.
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
Stuff I’d rather not have:
- The word “manifest”.
- To be told how I should be asking for things.
- To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given unsolicited advice.
Wishing love and good things for your Very Personal Ads! So glad for everyone doing this with me.
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Yay for the desk! 🙂
Last week I asked for the encaustic paints. I have made space for them, started a box of accessories (I have so many cool tools!), done some oil pastel studies and made a wish list at Dick Blick. 🙂 I’m ready for my closeup, Mr. R&F 🙂
I am not sure if I asked here to find the funding for my big shipping adventure and PO Box renewal, but it was also answered.
This week:
What I want:
A vision. (Because without a vision, the people perish). It has been too long since I’ve had a good strong vision. I think finding my belief would help with everything else.
How this can happen:
Early morning yoga/Shiva Nata.
Deep quiet, and listening.
Asking for dreams. And then writing them down.
Finding a good day to bundle up and walk the river.
More deep quiet.
Trust.
My commitment:
To not judge what vision may come up.
To try.
To trust.
The Great Desk Switcheroo! I’m happy this worked out somehow. Hope the magical hat rack is coming together too.
Progress: I don’t remember if I actually wrote it out in a VPA, but I’ve been lamenting my need for office/outside space since I work at home and we have such a tiny apartment. El Pisces helped me work things around at home so I have a very satisfying temporary solution at home now. Much aggravation is relieved.
For my last VPA of 2010…
What I want:
Space to map out what the hell I’m doing next year. I’m paying lip service to this right now, and made some notes, but I haven’t actually slowed down enough to work it all out in a coherent way.
Ways this could work:
I could remove all distractions from home (yeah right!). I could take myself on a mini-retreat. I could even do it in town here, since that sounds less expensive and complicated. I could unplug from the internets for a few days.
My commitment:
To do this for at least a couple days before the end of the year.
Heh, I didn’t mean to bold that entire last part, but maybe it’s good to emphasize to myself that this is the week for it.
Ok, now this is just getting weird. Hehe.
Oh god, have I really been doing these for 18 weeks now? It seems like so short and so long ago at the same time.
Weird.
So, last week, I wanted a ton of ease. Well, I got the ease. Didn’t get a whole lot of anything else, though. Some backsliding, some slipping into comfortable things. Frustrating. And then there was the weekend. But on the whole, a good week.
This week!
Thing: Oh my god, patterns of DOOM.
What I would like: Maybe it’s because I’m doing more Shiva Nata, but I have started noticing patterns. And – no shock here – I’m not real thrilled with where they are. Time to start working on the more destructive ones, I feel.
Ways this could happen:
Dance of Shiva until my arms burn and my brain is whirly-free.
There are always miracles.
Talking, Listening, Looking.
Labyrinths!
Careful note-taking.
My commitment:
To do.
To not be frustrated if things don’t unravel immediately.
What I want: An easy and pleasant transition from holidays into peaceful productivity. I have my dissertation proposal to revise, bills to pay and other paper-centered projects to play with. I don’t want this to be a jarring or miserable thing, and I’d love to be through with believing that it somehow has to be.
How this can happen: Processing the process. Allowing balanced breaks. Little infusions of companionable pleasure: candles, music.
My commitment: The very same commitments I made last week, because they were super-helpful, and why mess with a good thing?
–I will not expect to be perfect.
–When I find myself having trouble, I will stop, and take a conscious action to help myself.
–Although I may ask for help from others, I will accept responsibility for taking care of my own feelings and needs. I will be my own rescuer, my own caregiver.
Here’s what I want:
Early bird registration for my Crafting my Life class starts today, and I want a good group of people to do it with.
Ways this could work:
I can share what I’m doing with others.
I can make sure that I’m communicating what I’m about well.
I can step away and let things unfold as they should.
My commitment:
To trust the process and myself.
To be grateful for the group I have already.
To not spend every second of every day checking my email.
To see that the point of this experience is to be in the experience and learn from it, not to achieve some external objective.
For years I wanted the perfect family. Not explaining why but the fact I felt misfitted into my family dynamics and super judgy.
What I wanted was simple peace. What I got was sublime and deep appreciation that my wackadoo people are perfect. They have set me up to care for my precious daughter who has her own beat. What a gift.
So my very personal ad now?
What I want is a workable plan for 2011 which grows my brain, my heart and find peace with my work life.
How this can happen:
I can set aside a piece of day and attack it with my partner. I can meditate on the questions while moving my body. I can quietly journal about it.
My commitment:
I will let this take time. I won’t demand an answer immediately. I’ll be aware of when there’s something wrong and let it go. I will redraft ideas.
Last Week:
1 – I wanted to get a lot done before I left on my trip. And I DID.
2 – I wanted to find a way not to be grumpy for the holidays. I journaled about it, came up with a 3 prong plan and it’s working! I still need to write the post about the third prong.
This week:
#1 WIW: To continue to use my 3-prong plan to not be grumpy while in Texas.
WTCW: I could continue to communicate the plan to my family, so that they can support me. I could journal about how it has gone and what I’ve done.
MC: To be mindful. To pay attention to my mood and my attitude towards others, and at at least make some mental notes when it I notice changes.
#2 WIW: To plan out my finances for the year. This is going to be a debt-payoff-extravaganza year, which will require diligence, and I need to start working on it as soon as I get home.
WTCW: I could make a new spreadsheet. I could share my goals on my blog. I could make lists of ways I could save money easily, so that I don’t have to give up anything I love.
MC: To make time. And to be realistic. And to be excited about it, because it is awesome and freeing!
What I want:
To stop stressing about things I have no control over. To accept that I don’t have to (nor can I) deal with everything ever *right this very second*, and to accept that most problems are far far BIGGER in my head than they are in reality. Some of them aren’t really even problems. Just stress bubbles.
I need to see that spending ten times as long worrying and stressing as I actually need to *solve the problem* is. not. helpful!
Ways this could work:
I could do some Dance of Shiva.
Reading more into Stoicism may work.
Becoming less-stressed-in-general tends to stop me getting stress over teeny-tiny things (though I’d really like to be able to not go through stressed-in-general phases)
Some magical thing I haven’t thought of!
My commitment:
Try not to dwell on worries.
Identify the problem.
Let myself think of a couple of possible solutions.
Try to let it go for now.
What I want #1: For the examples of my talk to magically appear, and for the shape of the talk to be done by the end of the week.
Ways this might work: Holy crap. No idea.
My commitment: Cruise on “play.” Keep it light. Stick to #2, below. Do a bit every day.
What I want #2: Rest.
Ways this might work: Resting! Magically getting down with doing less. People getting busy and/or realizing I mean it when I say, “I’m fine—just need ‘me’ time.”
My commitment: Drop my “NO MORE!” beans into my calendar, and stick to them. Cancel non-essentials and non-enjoyables. Hot baths. Early snoozes.
UPDATE (on VPA #76): The outline got out, the cold (minus a few governor “harrumphs!” of mucus) went away and the holidays—and this year—are behind us.
THING 1: Work Finished
What I want:
I want to have some of my current coursework done by New Year. I’m thinking drafts of my concept diary, philosophy essay, talk & dissertation methods/introduction – as i’ve made a good start on all four of those. Then i’ve two more pieces to do before Uni starts on 10th Jan.
Ways this might work:
Working at my best hours 10pm-2am.
Shivanata
Tea
My commitment:
Play scholar. [with my kimono/enchantress robes]
Make it fun by adding random metaphors I can take out at the end.
THING 2: A happy new year
What I want:
An odd and selfish ask – my partner has such a heavy workload, I probably won’t see him until February now. I’d like to have him here for New Year’s Eve – i’ve said he came leave early on 1st if necessary.
Ways this might work:
Reminding him of how much time he still has
Explaining that he’s actually working himself into the ground and won’t get much done
Accepting his decision, even if he says no.
My commitment:
To practise patience and acceptance if I can.
To cry if I can’t (as i’ll be spending the night alone with celtic connections on BBC Scotland like last year [which is amazing, but lonely]).
Update on last week: I wanted to make a decision about my next academic year. Been focusing on my current workload for now, so no obvious progress, but I’m sure it’s simmering.
Thing 1
What I want:
My money life is out of balance. I’m fine, but the balance, I would like it back.
Ways this could work:
The writing down of things.
It just could.
My commitments:
Paying attention.
Awareness as to whether I need the next new product, or I’m using it as a delay tactic.
Going through what I have before getting any more anything.
Thing 2
What I want:
Enjoying the now and letting the boy go when the time comes.
Ways this could work.
No idea.
Getting a magic wand?
My commitments:
Staying with the now.
Dealing with the later when the later becomes now.
Sitting with the freak out until it passes, should it arrive.
Last week I asked to get caught up with my uni work and get better. And I got almost everything I wanted done and now I seem to finally be better. Woot!
Thing the first: Rest and relaxation. Not to feel like I constantly need to be doing.
How this could happen:
– long snoozes and naps
– listening to what my body wants
– trying to observe the not-doing guilt of doom rather than getting swallowed by it
– just will
My commitment:
– the above
– introspective meanders if necessary
I want assistance in allowing all of the amazing ‘Solstice to New Year’ energy to work it’s magic on me. Or thru me, or however it’s magic wants to work.
I shall invoke help from meditation, tea, wine, dog & cat snuggles and quiet head space to allow the magic to happen!
I wanted this: “A productive and fun Retreat tomorrow at work! Or should we call it a Reloading?
A peaceful merry Christmas. With awesome presents of course.
For the universe to conspire to find me love, and let me know when he’s around.
For some of the money issues to resolve themselves quietly and without my direct intervention.”
The retreat was awesome and productive and lead to very good things.
Christmas ended well so all’s well.
The other 2 are long term projects. Longer term.
What I want now:
1. The love, for me.
2. The money stuff, resolved, moved forward, calmly.
3. An easy blizzard experience.
My commitment: to do the things that need to be done to let me have the life I value. To keep my eyes open. To shovel snow.
Last week, I asked for an idea about how to eat more meat and for a few right people for a (relatively) new thing. I made beef stew that was yummy so the meat thing is sorting itself out. The few right people didn’t happen because, as it turned out, I actually wanted the week off.
This week, I would like clarity. Please.
How this could happen:
Thoughts could arrange themselves in my head or on paper.
Things could suddenly become clear.
A fog could lift.
Magic.
My commitment:
I will practice Shiva Nata and journal and rest. And be open to unexpected ideas and insights.
@havi: no advice, just good wishes for your weekending.
This week, the VPAs:
there have been some hard things happening with people I love. Not between me and them, thank the winds and waters, but between them and others. Or them and themselves. I would like ease around this for me: to not get swept up in their stress and fear and uncertainty, so I can be present for doing the things I can do to help.
ways this could work: I could write for myself. I could take care of myself. I could allow myself time to be with myself so I can make space for them.
my commitment: to drink tea, write, make my lists, and pay my mortgage, and to love them fiercely.
thing 2:
I am planning a trip to a faraway place for training/shmaining. Or maybe it’s play and self-creation. Nonetheless, it means being away for a while and spending a chunk of money. The monsters, they are dancing jigs in my head.
ways this could work:
talk to the monsters, of course.
plan through the year–when I return, not just up until eeekdeparture and then the vastness of the open space/void.
dance of shiva.
talk to my Crew of Brilliance.
not avoid the financial planning part.
my commitment: to do those things. Also, to anticipate the good.
thing three: my cell phone, it is dead. My ask: for a phone that is not dead, at least until I go to the faraway place and suspend my contract.
ways this could work: serendipity. miracle. luck. This phone could work again, or I could magically come into possession of one that does. Or the warranty process could be painless.
commitment: to be open to pleasant surprises.
thing four: I’m needing to figure out marketing. I have things that are useful, but am having the devil’s own time getting the word out. I have worked with people and read books and so on, to little or no avail. I would like ease of marketing.
ways this could work: an epiphany. an unknown but magical solution.
my commitment: to remain open to possibilities. To pay attention when my heart sings. To keep being myself.
sending warm and sunny hugs to all in the northern hemisphere!
my VPAs:
thing 1:
have some news about the man i need have a little chat (i’ll VPA it again, just in case the universe missed it)
ways:
again, internet miracle!
my commitment:
patience, send him love, wish him well even if no news
give myself a deadline and if it doesn’t happen, let it go with love and a smile
open my heart and mind to whatever this was meant to mean
thing 2:
write and send thank you notes/emails to the people that have meant a lot to me this year
ways:
just wrte them and send them
take time to do it
inspiration from walks in the park or looking at my journal
commitment:
i want to do it, so make and find the time to do it
make some drafts until it looks right and says what i mean, or the other way round
thing 3:
welcome 2011 with an open heart, open eyes and full of hopes and dreams
ways:
rituals!
dancing and looking back at what was great this year and gwish for more of that
find my shiva nata dvd and shake it shiva (related to thing 4)
commitment:
look for the beauty and magic in the little things
have a little faith
thing 4
make space for the new
ways:
clean and organise my house
fix my car and get it off the to do list
get rid of what i don’t need
clarity for what the new will be
commitment:
look at patterns, whys and hows
a little a day, secret play dates
find the energy or rest until i have it and use it well
updates:
-2 out of 4 things fixed, yippie! car hopefully tomorrow and garden…well, it is more of an ongoing process, but it is starting
-relationship with dog better every day, slowly. she lost her puppy teeth!
-wedding lessons ok
-tiny vacation at the beach is looking complicated but not impossible
hugs.
What I want:
I had a conversation with my deadlines yesterday. I’ve lived with them for a long time, but we’ve never talked. They showed up shoving and interrupting each other, trying to get my attention, and told me strongly that they don’t like it when I push them into another room and close the door. They think they need to make me worry so I’ll meet my commitments.
We agreed that they need cuddles and to be close to me while I plan. I want to meet my commitments without being worried. I imagine a Gentle Planning Room where they each have a comfy place. I will not make rigid structures, but plan with flexibility and confidence.
I want to get from that visualization to some real planning steps. What should I actually think and write as I plan?
How this could happen:
I find a new planning tool that is different from what I’ve used before (or adds to it).
I find time to focus on this kind of planning.
My commitment:
I will think about each current deadline, welcome it in and see its gifts.
I will take time for this.
I will keep questioning.
Last week’s VPAs:
I’m almost well–very slowly!
Difficult Christmas went just fine. Followed our plan (out of the house for Christmas Eve, just us for Christmas) and had good times together. Comfort and loving.
Thank you for making this space, Havi!
Hugest of hugs for everyones VPA’s! Luck, luck aplenty for those who need a little of that too!
x
What I want
To finish some of my writing work over the next couple of days and to just get it done with ease!
As an ongoing thing – to notice, notice, notice and learn how to be someone whose brain, body contains a trillion silent gwishes whilst remaining grounded, centred at the same time.
At the moment I have lots of gwishes held in brackets ((GWISH)) ((GWISH)) ((GWISH)) because there are only so many gwishes one can work on at a time.
At the same time I am open to exploring and playing with the limitations, boundaries of safety around my gwishing space.
My commitment
To be a witness to my own processes
To trust myself
To practise self care
To be open and curious
To rememeber I can also use the simple, beautiful exercises I have to hand to help me draw myself back inwards to my belly, my breathe, my feet, my core.
xxx
Update on last VPA: I managed to start taking baby steps with my freelance business. I wrote my FIRST resume (that took quite some time) and starting scoping out my target markets, which feels kind of dirty so I’m going to Metaphor Mouse that into “People I Want To Be Friends With.”
Thing 1: Complete a Story.
Here’s What I Want: I want to write the first draft of something. Like, to completion. I know this sounds simple for a lot of people (was told earlier this week that writing is “easy” by a well meaning person. I had to reach deep inside in order to not threaten bodily harm to said person), but my deep seated fears and insecurity are standing in the way of me doing my job.
Ways This Can Work:
Serious Monster Negotiation. I’ve started talking to them. One of their negotiators looks like a very small version of one of the monsters from Where the Wild Things Are, which makes her adorable. But this isn’t her department. I have to find the big mofo who is waylaying my work for the sake of…whatever.
I can also Shiva Nata and make sure to work on the glorious process that’s outline in the seriously handy Procrastination Dissolve-O-Matic.
My Commitment:
To not be mean to myself! Because I’m starting to learn that my resistance has been honed over many years and to expect myself to change long term patterns over night is asking too much of myself. It’s yet another symptom of the overwhelming Perfectionism that I have inside.
To treat my work like play. I’m supposed to enjoy it, right?
Develop trust.
Last VPA before the New Year. I have much gwish love for everyone’s gwishes and VPAs!!!!
I was offline yesterday so I scribbled a VPA into my notebook, and then this morning I did one of the things I had committed to and got this huge clarifying OH! that made me laugh out loud.
(Yes, the laughter-inducing epiphanies are my favorite ones.)
And that insight helped me realize that someone else needs to be at the head of this particular V-formation.
Thank you to you and Hiro both for that very useful concept!
VPA #1: to find a plan for next year that looks like ease & spaciousness and which doesn’t include parts that make me feel miserable & fearful & procrastinatey.
How this might happen:
– I could find a way of doing some fear/anxiety-inducing things that *isn’t* fearful or anxious. Possibly by letting go some of the SHOULD MUST DEADLINE ARGH.
– I could accept that right now I don’t have time to do *everything* I might think that I ‘ought’ to do, and let go of some stuff (temporarily, if need be — there’s a couple of changes coming up this year, so time-availability & energy will shift again in March and then in June). And not beat myself up about that.
– I could look carefully at what I see as my ‘commitments’ and make sure that they’re all things I *want* to do (i.e. that the anxiety/procrastination isn’t an inner reflection of a quite reasonable DO NOT WANT).
– I could play a bit with the various things I want to do, and draw pictures of my year and my months and my weeks. (Oh hey, I really like this idea!)
– I could take another look at the working/not-working mindmap I drew the other day. Which showed a LOT of stuff around ‘too little time’ and ‘self-doubt’.
– I could, in general, cut myself some slack 🙂
– I could take a good look at the financial situation to make sure that I’m not pushing myself unnecessarily just b/c I’m worried about money. (Which also feeds into the fear.)
My commitment:
– Draw some pictures of my time and what I want to do!
– Think carefully and honestly about how I’m spending my time.
– Plan to give myself more space next year. That feels really important right now.
VPA #2:
– Greater clarity about where I’m going with my writing, and what I’m prepared to commit to on that front.
How this might happen:
– I think it kind of needs to happen in tandem with the year-planning stuff above.
My commitment:
– To hold my intention carefully and lovingly, and to allow it time and space to breathe.
– To negotiate with my creativity-monsters to manage the above.
hugs to everybody.
What I want : working with the dissolve-o-matic, being more in the moment, being gentle with myself.
Ways this might work: read and read the book. find good places to put my reminders.
My commitment: to remember that it’s ok. people vary and there’s no gult to have, no judgment.