Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my weekly ritual for clarity and remembering and stuff like that. Yay, ritual!
Let us dooo eeeet.
Thing 1: tools, and a better relationship with them.
Here’s what I want:
Okay. I’ve found that many of my Very Personal Ad asks are for things that I want but am conflicted about wanting.
Often things that could really help me with my work, but in an indirect way, or maybe it’s just that technically I don’t need whatever it is because I can make do without it.
After many monster negotiations, some of which I may share this week, I’ve realized that there are certain tools of the trade that are vital to excelling in that trade.
So I’ve been trying to pin down what my tools might be. In the hopes of feeling better about wanting them.
And get better at the complicated internal process which accompanies the external process of acquiring them.
Ways this could work:
Journaling, walking, dancing, asking smart questions.
Playing. Possibly at the Playground, a place that I have eagerly outfitted with an enormous variety of wonderful tools (because I’m okay with other people having tools!).
Maybe some metaphor mousing.
My commitment.
To notice throughout the day how tools bring support, ease and comfort into my life.
To pay attention to all the tools that I don’t necessarily stop to appreciate (power cords, toothbrushes, butter knives, tote bags, everything that helps me do what I do).
To sing silly little songs. Tool tool tool tool tooooooooooolie!
Thing 2: a few more fabulous people for the March Rally (Rally!)
Here’s what I want:
Obviously, a Rally (Rally!) is the best and most fun way to get a ton of work done and change the way you work forever. Because I can’t shut up about that.
The February Rally is full, but there are a few spots left for March.
And March is a VERY good time to Rally, for two reasons:
One, you can join me in avoiding SXSW like the plague, but not feel bad about it because you can still meet incredible people, make useful connections and party like a rock star, should you want to.
But mainly the second reason: Selma and I have booked an amazing photographer to do private sessions so you can leave the Rally with a gorgeous new headshot for your blog or website!
There are four more spots for March. I would love for the Rally and its people to find each other. Yay!
Ways this could work:
I can remember to tell people about it. Like now.
And give people the link to the Rally page. Rally!
And, more importantly, give them the link to Jillian’s page where she talks about the photo shoot part.
And put it in the Biggification Board at the Kitchen Table.
And make a point of telling people that the photo shoot is included for anyone who wants it — there’s no extra Rally tuition for this.
All of that is “in the hard”. Not sure what I want to work on “in the soft”, but I’ll dance on it and see what comes up.
My commitment.
To share my excitement and enthusiasm for Jillian and her work (I adore Jillian, and I need this too since my avatar photo is crazy old).
To spread the word about Rally in the way that Rally is: fun, playful and magical.
Thing 3: birthday rituals
Here’s what I want:
There’s still a few weeks to plan, but what invariably ends up happening is that I never plan, and then my birthday ends up being stressful instead of reflective.
So I’d like to invent some rituals. Or come up with a really good idea for a run-away-from-everything kind of weekend.
Not sure yet what this ask is about, exactly.
But it has to do with conscious, loving, light-hearted ways to mark time and to think about this coming year, in the context of what I want, instead of what I usually do.
Ways this could work:
Not sure yet. Just planting the wish. Gwish!
But if you have suggestions for beautiful, quiet places in Oregon where one might hide out while doing this, I would love that.
My commitment.
To do some serious thinking about what this past year has been about, and what I want and need.
To recognize that taking time for this and for myself is also a tool. And that I get to have tools the same way I get to have time and space.
All of this is stuff I know, but the way it is sinking in right now is new for me. So really my commitment is about taking the time to let all this percolate.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted the right words for a Playground sign, and got a pretty good version. Thanks for all the suggestions!
Then resolution to the heating crisis, and while it didn’t happen exactly, we do now have a gajillion space heaters, so that’s something.
Also I wanted a new name for my R&D binder, and was thrilled about all the beautiful and creative things you guys thought of. THANK YOU!
And I had a problem that wanted and needed love and attention. It still does, but I’m pleased to say that I was able to give it a lot of my time this past week, and we are making really serious progress. I am so happy about that.
Yay, VPAs!
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
Stuff I’d rather not have:
- The word “manifest”.
- To be told how I should be asking for things.
- To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given unsolicited advice.
Wishing love and good things for your Very Personal Ads! I’m so happy to have people doing this with me.
Follow
Havi, I don’t have any suggestions for places to reflect for your birthday, but just thinking about it makes me feel calm. I know you’ll find something wonderful. And now you’ve started me thinking about what quiet, restful things I might do for my birthday in April. Hm.
Last week I asked for nourishment, and I definitely got it. It’s a learning process, but my body and I are gradually getting to know each other better.
This week’s VPA: Togetherness.
Ways this could work: I could clear out my class schedule. I could plan a dinner. I could offer up space for get-togethers. I could focus on face-time over screen-time.
My commitment: To remember that this is nourishing for me, too. To be where I am.
Wow. That whole conflict about wanting. Yeah. I live in that world. It’s full of sticky stucknesses and unfun. Heavy sigh. Tools!!! (Snort. The tool song is awesome, btw.) I’m sitting here wondering how to deal with the wanting conflict stickiness and I remembered how the Girl LOVES LOVES LOVES!!! to play hot lava. Avoiding the hot lava until Oh no!! You’re in it!! And then you get rescued, except that there are rules you didn’t know about!!! So you have to try again a different way! Plus, there’s treasure in the lava, Momma!! What will we DOOOOOOOO?
LOL. Hmmm. I may have just cooked up a wanting game for me. 🙂
Ha! That wasn’t a VPA….see? Conflict around wanting!!! Complete with avoidance. Times 2! Since there’s no VPA in this comment either….Noticing though, so that’s a good start.
Thanks as always for letting us see your process. It does so help so much!
MUAH!
VPA #25
Thing 1: Sheep
Background: I got my third headache of the week last night, and while listening to a few lovely songs that calm and relax me – found here, here, and here – I got the image of sheep being herded through the streets by their shepherd, children darting in between and laughing. It panned out, and I could see the people at their work, gathering rice, washing wool, spooling yarn.
I realized, I have nothing like that. No sheep. No wool to thread and spool. My days are one challenging intellectual pursuit after another: music I’m teaching myself, languages, culture, history… a constant stream of information with no break, no good work in between. So!
What I would like: To find my sheep. Or yarn. Or cart, maybe. Whichever. I need something that allows me to recharge.
Ways it could happen:
I have “Dream It, List It, Do It!”, the 43 Things book. Surely an idea might be in there.
I could come upon it.
Shiva Nata!
Someone could suggest something!
It could just fall on me. (Not literally.)
My commitment:
Keep my eyes open.
Try not to get impatient.
Thing 2: Ugh
What I would like: To figure out a better way of getting through this thing that is icky, hard, painful, and a tad scary.
Ways it could happen:
It could just get better.
I could find information somewhere.
My commitment:
To allow myself to be scared, icky, miserable.
To take good care of myself besides.
To do my best not to freak out.
Woooohoo!! I’m super excited to come in march to photograph such awesome people at the Rally!!
WIW: This week, I want to find the right loving home for a vintage chair that can’t stay in my storage unit anymore.
WTCW: I could re-post on craigslist or on facebook. I could see if any photographers want it as a prop.
MC: To remember it’s a chair, not a puppy. Even though I named it. And by Sunday, I at least have to give it back to goodwill, where I found it four years ago.
My last VPAs were all stuff that I wasn’t doing because it felt silly and frivolous…and probably it was, but still it was interesting to see the internal conflict of ‘no, there’s something more important to do’ vs ‘but you put this on a VPA’. Anyway…this week:
VPA one: There are two people, or rather one person and one organisation, that I need to email this week and I’d like to do it. Preferably by tomorrow night.
How this could work:
– take a few minutes to see what the resistence is all about
– journal
– shiva nata
– use the chicken board
My commitment:
– to not hate myself for dragging my feet on this
– to realise that I can do it without making myself stressed and miserable
VPA two: To write and post to my blog.
How this could work:
– book a time slot to write
– acknowledge that the shoulds of doom put me off
– is there a shoulds of doom repeller dance I can use?
My commitment:
– even if I can’t make a safe space for this to happen, what qualities would that place have?
I haven’t been around lately. I’ve really missed the chickens and VPAs. Soo.. My last VPAs were basically “I need to decide my future, argh HALP!”
As things turned out, the application needs to be done in about 12 days time. I have a draft application, I know what I’m doing and I’m comfortable with my choices. Huzzah. May it all go smoothly!
Thing 1: may my applications go smoothly next week and may I get into one of the programs.
Here’s what I want:
I’m applying to two programs [am allowed up to three]. I did want A, with B as backup. Now, I feel more comfortable with B. May I get accepted to whichever resonates best; whichever will lead me in my right direction.
Ways this could work:
Writing drafts, double-checking requirements. checking I have copies on my A level certificates. getting my OH to read over them. Emailing a copy to my tutor to check.
My commitment.
To accept whatever happens.
To trust that I’ll be accepted if it will bring me happiness.
To give myself time to apply.
Thing 2: time & planning
Here’s what I want:
It’s my busiest term of my degree; containing:
Three essays, two powerpoint presentations, a dissertation thesis, a part-time job and two volunteering jobs.
I’d like to make a plan that works for me, and stick to it-ish. I want space to breathe and time to fit everything in.
Ways this could work:
Use my Sailboat Scheduler.
Meditate.
Wake early.
My commitment.
To breathe.
To meditate.
To self-heal via reiki.
To be open to the 10 minute slots life often provides.
To take Thursday evening off to recover as I’ve a long day.
Much love!
VPA 1:
For people who will love the anthology that my story appears in (it’s about magic, of all sorts and forms; and about queer women wielding that magic) to buy it and read it, and love it!
How this might work:
– I could mention it on Twitter, and the KT, and both my blogs.
– I could put it in my email sig (gosh, I haven’t had a sig in *years*)
– I could ask other people to mention it.
– I could think of some other awesome option.
My commitment:
– To do the Twitter/blog/etc thing, even if it is a bit scary.
– To practice asking people to help.
– To think about why I’m reluctant to do the email sig thing!
– To be open to other options and opportunities.
– To keep writing 🙂
VPA 2:
To finish the non-fic book on time and with ease and lightness. And for it to end up being something I’m genuinely proud of that I send to the editor.
How this might work:
– I might get better at turning things down to generate the space/time for this.
– I might find ways to keep my focus for longer.
– I can keep asking myself about playful ways to do it.
– I can remind myself how passionate I am about this stuff when I’m not freaking out.
My commitment:
– To keep at it, even if it’s just a little every day.
– To be playful and light about it.
– To try journalling and SN and talking to monsters if I’m struggling.
– To make it its own chicken at the KT!
VPA 3:
Ongoing progress with the ongoing “chill my life out a bit” project.
How this might work:
– I might get the rest of the TRA stuff done this week so I am DONE with that commitment altogether.
– I might realise that not all of the tasks list is really necessary.
– Other people might take on some of my responsibilities.
– I might make more time for writing and for climbing.
My commitment:
– To go climbing twice this week.
– NOT to book anything else this weekend.
– To really think about what I’m going to say about the meeting request on Friday.
– To keep journalling about my thoughts on this.
– To talk to the MUST DO EVERYTHING monster.
– To remain sceptical about the task list.
– To work on getting one of the craft projects done & dusted.
– To put some time into getting the TRA stuff done & dusted.
Hmm. Last week I asked for a gentle way to tell my Mom I didn’t want to see the doctor she suggested, but I did a 180 and figured seeing him could be plan B while I looked for someone else. But he had appts open last week…not particularly reassuring actually, but I said what the heck, made an appt, and went for a physical. Super stressful as I avoid doctors & their offices like the plague, but yay me for confronting a stuck. Boo for finding more stuck in the process.
This week, I think I’m going to mull over some of those stucknesses and see if I can unravel them a bit.
How? I don’t know. There will be breathing and calm-finding to keep it from being stressful. Hopefully my own version of your safe room(s) will be around.
Commitment? May sound like a non-commitment, but I’m not going to push it. Though the actual appt. last week wasn’t as stressful as the anticipation of it, I just want some mellow time this week. To mull but not prod my fears.
Here’s what I want this week:
1. monster negotiating magical fairy dust!
I still have lots of work to do writing fellowship applications (ie, asking people for money), so there is a lot of monster noise coming in on the stereo. I will need to do a lot of firm but loving negotiation with a monster with whom I have been in conflictual and infrequent communication.
Ways this could work:
Um. Still kinda skeptical about talking to this one. Patience, chocolate and hot tea, itty bitty steps, hot pink mental hammocks.
My commitment:
To speak nicely to my self-pitching monster
To set lots of teeny tiny goals
To reward myself for successful negotiating and completion of tiny tasks
2. lightheartedness
This would be very helpful with the monster negotiation. Also, Purim Katan starts Thursday night.
My commitment:
To do some reflection/meditation on Thursday night about lightheartedness and other aspects of the day
To keep an eye out for whimsy and opportunities to inject it in my week
Alright, World, I’m putting it out there.
What I Want:
To find other Shivanauts in Florida. I’m interested in furthering my knowledge and education in Shiva Nata, and it would be really nice to do it with other people, particularly since teacher training out of state isn’t feasible right now.
Ways I can make this work:
Tell youse guys!! Maybe there’s another lonely Shiva lover out there who would be interested in learning more together. Put the word out.
My Commitment:
To continue working with Shiva Nata on a daily basis. Allow myself to realize that transitions are important and should be recognized as such.
What I Want 2:
I’ll be teaching belly dance classes next week at a brand spanking new, beautiful studio. I want to be loved, and most importantly, fill the space with lovely students; my Right People.
Ways This Can Work:
Do some Non-Icky Self Promotion. Tell people. Have a willingness to be myself and maintain my teaching style so I can further engage my Right People.
My Commitment:
To train HARD. Be the best I can be and give any students I may have the time of their life, or at least do my best.
A quiet place in Oregon – the Oregon Wine Cottage in McMinnville is fabulous, and such a beautiful area with lots of great food spots. http://www.oregonwinecottage.com/
ohhhVPAs.
I am doing so well.
A VPA almost seems selfish.
Kind of like what Havi was talking about, being okay with OTHER people having tools.
(Hi, Havi!)
But really, plenty of room for me in this boat. So.
Magic Plane Tickets
I need to get back from where I am to DC for the first weekend in April, and then back again. I want to do this with ease and spaciousness and plane tickets! But they cost more than I want to spend.
WTCW: there could be someone with a vast overabundance of FF miles who wants to give me a ticket.
there could be a sudden fare drop.
other things could shift so that the price doesn’t feel as big.
My commitment: to keep telling people; to say yes; to work toward possible answers.
Yhello.
Thing 1: clarity, courage and support, ctd.
Thing 2: flow, while at ze day job, to create some output. Also the ability to give a flying rats arse about it, which might help.
Thing 3: an ability to forgive myself for the time it takes to prepare for major lifesystem changes to implement dietary interventions which I do believe will help my baby get better much faster and to remember that a few months is a long time in a lifetime and he is doing OKAY as it is.
To try and forgive myself for not being perfect and allow myself to feel worthy of him even though I’m not as good/ strong/ wise/ prepared/ organised/ able as I would like his mother to be.
An antidote to the You-Are-A-BAD-MOTHER-Monster and the general feelings of undeservedness and failure that he brings about. PLEASE.
Ways this could work:
I don’t know.
More sleep. More smartnesses. More using the tools-at-my-disposal to bring about smartnesses and patience.
Sovereignty – see also: boundaries, courage, support.
My commitment:
To go to bed.
To use the tools.
To get over myself already goddammit. (I know that is very Non-FS/non-NVC.)
To TRY.
To be okay with trying and it not working.
Okay, at least to TRY and be okay with trying and it not working.
To try EVEN THOUGH it might not work. See also – courage.
Talk about meta meta.
🙁
I want two things this time.
Thing One: I want photos to be taken of me for my businesses.
If I could do this myself and have the result look even partially professional, I totally woud. However, not everything is solved by doing it myself (as I’m beginning to realize), and this is one area that I can already recognize I need some help with.
Ways this could work:
I could hear back from my friend’s husband who is a photographer and he could agree to do a barter
I could find an amateur photographer on craigslist that would like to practice with me
I could start looking for ways to get more candid shots of me (note to self: practice being ok being in front of a camera) and one or more of those could also work really well for my business photos – I always love Do Mi Stauber’s pic on her blog – not sure if it’s a candid or not, but I love the effusive joy. That could potentially happen in a candid.
I could find a way to take a picture of my laugh, which I’ve been told is joyful and infectious – just the sort of thing I want to portray in my photo.
I could sell enough of my cooking guides in the next week to be able to go to Havi’s Rally (Rally!) and get my picture taken there 🙂
I could be super super motivated this week to let as many right people know about my cooking guide so that the possibility of selling enough to go to the Rally isn’t just a frivolous possibility
My commitment
To keep talking about this ask and finding ways to ask lots of people with help with this
To be content with the candids I currently have until I can replace them with something that better portrays my personality and businessses
To actually take my idea seriously of raising enough money to have a picture taken at the Rally 🙂
Thing Two: I want a morning ritual
When I had a day job, I often started the day by watching an episode of tv before getting ready for work. I told myself it was b/c I couldn’t wait until the evening to know what happened next, but really, I was already looking for an escape from what was going to be a crappy day doing stuff I didn’t want to do.
Now, I get to make my own schedule. I’m mostly productive during the day, but I’d really like to set up a ritual for how I start the day. TV isn’t the answer (and isn’t needed anymore). Surfing the web to see what has been happening overnight has been my default, but I already spend a ton of time on my computer and there’s never anything urgent that needs checking immediately upon waking.
Ways this could work
I could Secret Playdate this question tomorrow
I could pretend to be a mad genius for the rest of the week and run experiments every morning to see what feels good and seems replicable
I could start a Book of Me page where I draw funny pictures of the stuff I try out
I could give myself permission to fall back into my old pattern of hopping on the computer right away if I feel like it
My commitment
To keep this Ask super playful and lighthearted
To not be annoyed with myself when I don’t experiment
To remember that rituals, just like habits, don’t spring forth from my brain and settle into my body overnight
To nurture the things I discover I enjoy and give them space to become rituals
Forgive the off topic, hostile take-over of the comments…but….
@Beth – I totally just went and checked out your book, and this was something I really needed this week! Thank you!
@Jillian – You’re totally welcome! How cool that I was just asking for a photographer and you found me and my blog 🙂 Now I want to come to the Rally even more!
@Beth, dude I totally RSSd your blog into my reader too. I’m totally into whole foods and escaping the western diet, esp now with research into GAPS diet, Nourishing Traditions etc.
Yay for non-icky self promo huh?
@Claire – Thanks! I enjoyed your eggs in a hen basket comment 🙂 I look forward to seeing you around!
This week I have a very personal ad.
I need to find a way to get to Brazil sooner rather than later. In Brazil, I will find the answer to a question that is running around in my brain and won’t let me think about anything else. The answer to this question will help me choose whether to go left or right.
Ways this could work: Got a lot of thoughts, but not sure of any of them.
Commitment: Looking out for every possibly opportunity no matter how absurd it sounds at first.
The other way this could work is that Brazil could come here and answer the question. Which would be equally good, except that I want to get out of town for a little vacation. But am willing to forgo the vacation for the answer to the question.
I totally know that song, it goes like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4EfiJYrvT0
Tool, tool, tool, you never know when you might need one!
Apologies if this gets stuck in your head.
Dan.
Oh Havi, would you be willing 🙂 to tell us when your birthday is? I’ve deduced that it’s some time in early March… <3
Hello there! >waves<
this is the first time I've left a comment here… I have been reading for a few weeks, but I've been a bit shy and blah about actually saying anything!
I follow a little system that I found on a different blog (called A Beautiful Mess, by Elsie Flannigan) wherein I complete 20 things before I'm 21, 21 things before I'm 22, etc. Right now I'm still completeing the 20 things before 21, since my 21st birthday is coming up in March (ah!) and then I will need space and thinks (as you do) to come up with my list of 21.
On my current list is "write a blog entry every day for a month". I started this late, so it will probably run over, but it is something I have dreamt of doing for quite some time. But I never thought I had enough… content… for people to want to read. And the thing is, I don't think anyone IS reading yet (YET.), but that's okay with me. You're posts helped me be okay with that. ^_^
I follow a couple of your blog posts and post my own (with sufficient linkage back to you – I hope this is okay… Let me know if not ^_^) (euch now I'm scared! XD), but it still never compares to the delight I get when I read your posts.
Thankyou for helping me along on my Journey. <3
Welcome Bethwyn! 🙂 <3
Hi Havi, like Bethwyn up there, I think you rock 🙂
What I want: A nap. In a bed. Because in a car or on the bus does not count.
Ways This Could Work:I play hooky from work or wait until the weekend.
My Commitment: Naptime happens at least once in the next seven days and I get to sleep until I wake up all on my little own.
What I want: People to understand how long stuff takes and not expect 1 weeks worth of work in one day.
Ways This Could Work: well explaining it didn’t work yesterday. Maybe a copy of all the fun stuff I did today in 4 hours to show how much work it is?
My Commitment: Not to get frustrated at unreasonable demands and make it clear that things take a certain amount of time because that’s how long it takes to finish all the pieces – not just because.
What I want: Time to read my old closet novel and make a beat sheet of it before NaNoEdMo next month.
Ways This Could Work: I claim a day this weekend to do this. Banning my (well meaning) husband from distracting me. Also, I could work on this on the bus, but I don’t think that’s enough time to read my monster sized novel. Maybe if I combine the two.
My Commitment: At least to begin on this project. Find at least two hours this weekend to make a dent in this project.
Oh, let’s see now. So many possible paths…
What I want: a fresh burst of energy.
How this can happen: allowing myself time to rest and sleep. Baby steps. Self-kidness. Sovereignty. (Hey, monsters, I know this may not have been the answer you were expecting, but it,s the true answer.
My commitment: To be as patient with myself as I can stand.
Eep. Typos. Sorry; I’ve got a new phone with a new keyboard and screen to get used to.
Thankyou Eve!!! <3 ^_^