Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my weekly ritual for clarity and remembering and stuff like that. Yay, ritual!
Oh, curse you, Daylight Savings Time! My old nemesis has returned once again.
But I’m here! So.
What do we gwish for this week? Or at all?
I have no idea. Let’s find out.
Thing 1: PLUM!
Here’s what I want:
Made lots of progress this past week on the Playground User Manual, and yes, I’m pronouncing it plum, as suggested, because it makes me giggle every single time.
Twenty one pages so far.
And I’ve realized that I’d really like it to be a collaborative effort. To come together at the Playground during the magical events that happen there.
Ways this could work:
I’m thinking that maybe this week at Rally (Rally!), some or all of us could add a page here and there.
May also put out an ask to past Rallions and other lovely people who have come playgrounding with me.
Maybe this will also be the push to help me finish the new Playground website too…
Other than that?
I don’t know. But I would like this to be a joy-filled, fun, colorful collaboration, and for it to come together gracefully and easily.
My commitment.
To see what happens when I don’t try to be in charge of everything but just set the culture for it.
To talk to the parts of me who get freaked out about that and to be curious about what would help them get on board with this.
To say the word PLUM a lot. Plumplumplumplumplumplum. Not plumb, though. No. That would be wrong.
Thing 2: Other binder-ey things…
Here’s what I want:
It’s weird because it used to be that everything in my business was online.
The ship’s log where my pirate crew shares all the important ship-sailing information: in the cloud.
Online courses, ebooks, holding Drunk Pirate Council with the help of a chat room.
Now we have the Playground — a real-life center where this stuff happens. And the Toy Shop at the Playground where we sell things.
And I have binders. Or the Anthologies, as I call them. Because binders remind me of school so I asked metaphor mouse to provide translation services.
Anyway. The anthologies are all kind of half-working. And I’d really like to get them in working order so that I can put them to good use.
Ways this could work:
During the Rally, of course. That would be a marvelous thing to work on.
Or I might have a shivanautical moment of bing that would tell me how best to structure them.
Or the right order could just emerge.
My commitment.
To be curious, loving, inquisitive and playful with this.
To stay receptive to new ways of ordering things.
To notice when I’m starting to turn this into a Big, Stressful, Important Project, which will then result in avoiding the hell out of it, and to try not to do that.
That is, to sweetly interrupt the pattern and find out what I want and need instead.
Thing 3: Closings.
Here’s what I want:
There are some doors that need to be closed, some things I am done with.
Never been very good at endings.
But now is the time.
Ways this could work:
A giant permission slip to have this be as awkward as it needs to be.
I don’t need to try to make this smooth or pretty or anything.
Just to be done and have the ending there.
My commitment.
To be curious about my relationship with endings.
To ask questions.
To feel what I feel and not have to like any of it.
Thing 4: A plan for the mysterious holiday away.
Here’s what I want:
Remember last year when I said that this year I was going to schedule in a holiday each quarter plus regular days off so that I wouldn’t go batty and have to be hauled away on Emergency Vacation?
Well, I did.
What a great plan. Which I totally ignored.
“Hi, days on my calendar that claim to be vacation days.” The fact that I have said this multiple times since January seems to indicate a problem.
Right. So that didn’t work. Trying something else.
In the meantime, I do have a small holiday coming up and I am determined to actually run away in some shape or form. But I do not as yet have plans. And it seems like, weirdly, without planning for this, it might not happen.
Ways this could work:
I’m going to flail on this and use whatever comes out of a whirlwind of Shiva Nata to give me some direction.
I will also ask slightly future me, who knows about these things, to share some information.
And I will ask for a small miracle.
My commitment.
To do the work of figuring out what I want, before I despair that it’s impossible.
And once I know what I want, to find a way to connect to the essence or the qualities of that want.
To play. And then to play some more.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
As always, I seem to have completely forgotten what I asked for the week before.
I wanted courage and I got it. Hooray!
Then there was some stuff about defining emergencies for the Book of Me. Which I did not do. But I added huge amounts of other information to the book this week, so something is moving there.
Then I wanted prep for the March Rally, which definitely happened, and gave birth to all sorts of good things.
And I wanted to gwish for outlandish birthday gwishes. And while they may not have been so completely outlandish, writing about them was really fun and inspiring.
A good week, all in all.
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
Stuff I’d rather not have:
- The word “manifest”.
- To be told how I should be asking for things.
- To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given unsolicited advice.
Wishing love and good things for your Very Personal Ads! I’m so happy to have people doing this with me.
Follow
Ease with Web Crazy
– I am not a web designer. I am a more or less smart and capable person who has never once had the internet explained to her in person by someone who knows stuff.
– And I am cobbling together as much as I can while I go along. And I am working with asking for help (like, actually *hiring* a web designer, which I am doing).
– But for the immediate future, and really the foreseeable future, this is a labor of love I will be engaged in to a larger extent than I’d like.
– And I’d really like to stop feeling panicky and crazy about it. Like I’m letting everyone down by not knowing already. Or like I’m killing my business by failing to provide it the tools it needs.
Ways it could work:
– I could come up with a better metaphor for my learning process. Stop letting the mini failures get me down.
– I could suddenly see the beauty in the very awkward growth of my website.
– I could invest *even more* energy in the vision I have of what’s coming. And feel more content each day.
– But I’ll probably have to give all this discontent and angst a way to be heard instead of just shoving it away.
I will:
– Do some Shiva Nata on this. And more Shiva Nata on this. And ask about the systems *behind* the systems that are breaking down.
– Take breaks from computer land and interact with real people or at least nature when I feel overwhelmed.
– Keep trying.
Gwishes! This is so much better and more fun than goals. Gwishes! Yay.
What I want:
1)Patience with the sadness and the weird ways it sqlirges out, especially the ways that don’t feel like sadness but feel like panic or self-loathing or cravings for junk food or self-pity. Or anger at the woman who bought the last bunch of my mom’s favorite flower at the farmer’s market. She was not taking my mother from me–she was buying sweetpeas. So, patience with feeling like I must buy sweetpeas every Sunday or I’M GOING TO LOSE MY PRECIOUS MOMMY AGAIN.
Ways this could work:
-I don’t know. Maybe just to sit with the weirdness and watch with curiosity what comes out.
-A friend could help me by listening or hanging out with me and bringing along some joy or fun.
My commitment:
-To try to be both patient and curious with myself in this process.
-To leave open the option to call a friend and talk to them about my mom or the sweetpea thing or just something to pass the time and cheer me up.
2) A new name for writing fellowship applications. Or maybe a new name for my desk. (Suggestions welcome from all interested metaphor mice! :))
My commitment:
–To play with the idea of my desk and my fellowship applications and see if anything fun or sparkly or musical comes up
3) Affection for Bertha and Hortense (nicknames for my anxiousness and avoidance monsters, respectively). I so rarely talk to Hortense that I’m having trouble dealing with her, but today I had a BREAKTHROUGH! I sat them on my (soon to be renamed) desk and asked them to just relax for a few minutes and hang out, because despite my terror of writing (soon to be renamed) fellowship applications, I actually like to write. So I explained that I enjoy writing, and could they please sit quietly for a moment so I could do that, there was no need to worry about me while I do something I enjoy. And it worked! I got a whole idea down–fantastic! So more of this.
My commitment:
-to keep reminding Bertha and Hortense that I like to write; there is no need to keep me from it.
-to get ready to hear from Hortense (eventually) how she wants to help me.
This is what I Gwish for.
Thing One: I am going traveling soon, but don’t quite have the money for the trip. It might be there or I might have to ask for it, I’m not sure. But I do want to just trust that in the end it will be alright.
Ways this could work: I could ask for money. I could make a budget and look at it really hard. I could try to do the total opposite and give money away to see that it isn’t really important. I could talk to the Alex the Miser, Monster of savings and money and miserly behaviour and ask him to just shut up for a little while.
I commit to: being kind to myself if this topic produces panic flowers or comes into my head. Also I will leave an hour a day to my monsters and panic but only an hour. This way I am not ignoring them but get to go on with my life as well.
Thing Two: I am really bored with the way I am living my life right now. Lots of things that I used to love aren’t fun anymore. I’m not sure what is cause and what is effect. I want to understand what is going on here and maybe to start working on not being bored anymore.
Ways this could work: I could talk to friends. I could try something new. I could prod it and look at it and offer it cookies.
I commit to: patience with the process. It is so hard to see that this is going on that it will likely be hard to really discover and examine it.
Maybe you could appoint a Chief Holiday Officer so that pleasantly surprising and non negotiable days off and holidays happen quibble free by order of the CHO. I would wager a bet that the First Mate would be a good candidate for the role 🙂
I want an idea for a solo vacation:
What I’m looking for
I don’t have a driver’s license yet, so anywhere I go would have to be reasonably easy to get to by bus or train from Manhattan, and easy to get around by foot or public transit.
Likewise, wherever I stay would have to be within easy walking distance to public transit.
I wouldn’t be able to embark any earlier than 5:30 PM Friday (preferably 6:00), so my destination would either have to be within 3 hours of Manhattan, or have late-night activities that would not require me to drink alone.
That said, I’m happy to drink with others, so if we know each other and your town of residence otherwise fits the bill, I’d love to meet up Friday night!
Once I check out of my hotel on Sunday, I’d either have to carry my stuff around or stash it with the hotel staff and come back for it. I’d like Sunday to involve more than just traveling, so I’m looking for one or more of the following:
o The hotel to be very close to the bus or train station I’m using to get home.
o Things to do, open on Sunday, that are either very close to the hotel or very close to the bus or train station mentioned above.
o Things to do in between those two places where
+ I wouldn’t have to do much walking, since I’ll have to carry my bag
+ I could safely stash my bag
+ I could carry my bag easily, because the place I’m going to allows that none of my weekend’s activities would require me to bring much
Speaking of which, activities where I don’t need much. I really don’t want to bring more than a change of clothes for each day, maybe a set of pajamas, a jacket, some toiletries, and my purse. If I bring my Kindle, I won’t need to bring my laptop or any extra books.
Food! Cheap, delicious, or both!
What I’m not looking for
I prefer activities not cost an arm and a leg. The beauty of DC was that I could wander in and out of museums on a whim. If I have to pay $35 for admission, then I’m going to see every inch of that museum, and that would likely take up my whole day. So things should either be cheap enough that I can wander off when I choose, or awesome enough to be my primary activity for the weekend.
Staying in New York is not an option. Yes, I can do a ton in the city, but the fact is, I won’t. Last time I took this option, I went to the Brooklyn Museum for the First Saturday events, which was fun… but otherwise I sat around and did nothing. Not an option!
How this might work
One of you could leave a comment here.
I could get feedback on Twitter or Facebook.
I could come across an idea online.
A random magazine or newspaper article could fall into my hands.
Something else I haven’t thought of.
My commitment
I will Tweet a link to this post.
I will keep an open mind about suggestions.
I will take lots of pictures.
If you want me to, I will post my pictures from Washington, as well.
I will return the favor! If you’re looking for things to do in New York, or just happen to be there and want to meet for coffee or lunch or a drink*, let me know!
*Offer to meet only valid for people I’ve met IRL before, but since that’s most of you it shouldn’t be an issue. Certain exceptions may be made for longtime internet acquaintances, but I promise nothing.
So, do you have any ideas?
Little update on my last VPA’s 2 weeks back: The universe sent me a possible way forward with the ways to make working better. It’s an intriguing idea, but I am coming round to it, I’m just afraid. And the other be nicer to myself and stop eating nonsense thing is also still a work in progress. I am improving though. So, this week…
What I’d like: The work thing. I’d like to be able to feel confident that if I took the scary step then a) I would have it granted or if not there would be no repercussions for me and b) we can manage financially if it did happen. If I can feel these things, I’d like the courage to go for it.
Ways this could work: I could sit down and do the sums with my other half so that I know we can, and have Proof in an official Spreadsheet of Truth. I could just believe him when he says it will be fine. I could believe in the “confidentiality” thing they claim I will have at work. Ah, all these things are trust. Interesting.
My commitment: I will try and put time aside for the spreadsheet of truth. I find numbers soothing. I don’t know why I’m putting off doing the scary thing – or why it is scary. I will think about why it is scary.
What I’d like: I’d like more niceness in my head, for me. I am so horrible. I would never think – or dream of saying these things about other people, yet I believe them about myself. I need to stop. This is a big big ask, so I think I would do with a step in the right direction.
How this could work: I might eat better, and therefore feel better. I might have lost a little bit of weight this week. I might not have lost weight but have a really helpful conversation with a professional person about either my head, or my food. I might suddenly start to feel better with the sun: I might work out why I am so mean. What’s underneath the meanness? Why am I doing it *now* and not 3 weeks ago but 2 weeks before that?
My Commitment: I will go and see the two wildly differing sorts of professional people this week. I will do my Physio, and stop feeling guilty about that because there will be nothing to be guilty about. I will try and eat well, and each time I think the horrible thing, I will try and be mindful of what has just caused the horrible thought. Investigation required.
I like the idea of a CHO. I might appoint one here 🙂
Last week I wanted to make a shift with the research work I have to do and have a monster conversation. Yes, I’ve done some research stuff and have others planned; and I came across some books in the library that were useful for my research and for ‘life stuff too’. Yay. I still haven’t had that monster conversation – yet I’ve been thinking about it, and being far more conscious of the way I interact with it – progress. I’m feeling less scared of it – and more aware of how it interacts with other monsters and stuck. Just a short essay to start the week!
VPA 1: Action steps. Need to be taken for something I want – yet so scary!
How this could happen:
– break them down
– investigate resistance rather than powering through it or running away
– how would it feel like it there was ease? comfort?
My commitment:
– do one thing at a time
– be kind to myself
– imagine possibilities that don’t involve utter doom
VPA 2: Interaction with various stuckified points – there seem to be so many!
how it could happen:
– choose one at a time
– the one I feel like working on
– it’s ok to do what I want to the most
– I don’t have to ignore what I want to be ok
– so choose the one I want to work on, and work on it knowing that it’s going to connect to the other patterns as well
– trust that I will choose the right one, that perhaps there isn’t a wrong and right one in any case.
yay! Portland! Rally!
Here’s what I want:
I want to let go of the lack of money fear so that I can totally engage with the Rally! process/people.
How this could work:
hmmmmmm
I could just *decide* not to think about it….
I could write myself a letter/give myself permission to spend this money on myself.
I could figure out how much money/time it cost me to have the career I DIDN’T want/like and compare it to the teensy amount I’m spending right now to create the life/work that I’m gonna love.
My committment:
I’m going to write myself a letter.
I’m going to be nicer to myself about money.
I’m not going to spend frivolously while I’m here.
Oh, and Another Thing I Want:
I want to let go of my fear that I’m not cool enough/spiritual enough/playful enough, or, I guess ENOUGH to be at the Rally! and benefit from it.
Ways this could work:
I guess I could talk to the fear and see if there is anything else there that I’m not really taking into account.
I could love the part of me who always “says” things like this. She is scared and it’s ok.
I could just sit with it, because the Rally! is going to begin in a few short hours, at which time I am positive I will feel good and right and ok.
My committment:
I will not let my fear keep me from Rally! (sad to say that it has kept me from other events/things that I really really wanted to do)
I will be ok with uncertainty – acknowledge it and accept it.
I will make sure I get to the meeting place early, I will dress in warm, colorful, stretchy clothes that make me feel happy, I will bring good stuff like my art stuff and my snazzy new notebook(s) and sparkly socks.
Yay me!
Kim
@Kim – It’s like you’re writing out of my brain! Glad I’m not the only one who feels that way about things like Rally. And I love how you’re shifting to work through it. Inspiring. 🙂
I’m not sure if I forgot something or remembered it.
This week I want to call (and hopefully go to) the gym and join up.
This is something I want so much. I love going to the gym – it makes me feel so much better mentally and physically. Yet I’m just not doing it. A pattern here? the relationship with wanting might bear investigation.
I can commit to doing it, I can chicken it if I need to, I can talk to the resistence. I can dooooo it!
I can say it’s ok to have resistence about it. It’s ok.
Gweeeeshessssss!
Sleep.
A huuuuge gwish:
For the angst which comes up everytime my neighbour slams the door at some god forsaken hour to subside into peace and not caring anymore.
To see if I can feel less on edge about what she/neighbour woman is doing leaving the house, with her kid at home, in the early hrs and then returning a few hrs later.
To notice what is wrapped up in feeling alone/lonely in the flat by myself again. Does this always need to signal loneliness? Is this real or a pattern/belief about being alone? It feels real – but maybe it’s not. Hugs for me!
To experience more space in my day, at work and at home, so that I don’t feel that meditation means I can’t get into bed as early as I’d like! Ha ha! Ironic!
Continuing my practise of looking after me with my ever expanding healing kit each day.
To do a little exercise – because it helps!
To experience fun, glee, calm, confidence in my new place of work.
To release all fear of criticism. To enjoy where I’m at.
To be kind to myself and G and to continue being curious about our differences
To allow myself to feel vulnerable about soooo MUCH stuff without being convinced that I know what everything signals.
My commitment and ways that this could happen
To use what’s in my medicine bag
To feel my feet on the floor
To breathe deeply into my belly
To take each moment and each day at a time
To trust, a little more, that I can make Me happy – more so than ever really, even or especially in difficult times.
Thing I want: Progress with that page. Without pushing.
How it could happen: A surge of easy enthusiasm. Something unexpected could nudge me. My definition of progress could be super duper expansive.
My commitment: Shiva Nata. Come up with a proxy for what this page represents. A conversation with the me who gets all fired up by goals. (There must be one in there somewhere, right?)
Thing I want: To create a destination.
Ways this could happen: My commitment above could send things haywire 🙂 I could happen upon inspiration. Things that are slightly fuzzy could clear.
My commitment: Filling my snow globe with those six qualities that add up to trust. Listen to that call. Lavish praise for teeny steps.
Thing I want: Writing.
How it could happen: Like last week? Repurposing? I could sleep better. That would help.
My commitment: To let it happen without waiting, without blocking the flow. To remember that a lot can happen in five minutes. Meditation.
Happy gwishing to all!
@Susan – Fellowship alludes to friends, in a way, so maybe the Fellowship Applications could be called “Letters to Friends in My Future”(?)
My wish –
To be able to get my feet out of the muck –
Muck contains ye olde mates fear, doubt, oncoming panic, and all of their mates.
I need not barely enough, but a little more than enough money right now. I have started doing a little work while recovering from the huge splat of December. The more I work, however, the less $ I make, since workman’s comp is calculated at a percentage of whatever hours are average. When no work is involved, it’s barely enough. But when there is work, it subtracts that amount, and then gets calculated. So, the more I work the less I make. (Work gets taxed, workers’ comp doesn’t.)
I want the courageous-ness to jump into web world and create a blog and forum to share my “stuff” from art world.
I want to know that my dreams are valid, and if they do come into fruition, the part that I like about the old “job” – connection with the people – will still be there.
I also ask that all the pain monsters go on a long vacation, or at least work part time (like me) and let me sleep!
Ways to work this thing –
Continue creating art.
Make more in town contacts to sell “stuff”.
Continue PT with hopes of further breakthroughs. (There have been some – they’re just like monsters, though. You break through one thing – something else takes its place.)
Get sleep when and where I can – even if it’s during the day when I think there’s a “should” needing attention.
Haven’t done this in a while, but I’m struggling, so maybe this will help.
What I Want
To be okay with being a novice.
Which means being okay with having lots to learn, and being challenged, and feeling like a single-celled organism in a multicellular world.
And also means being willing to do the work and put in the time in order to improve. Except I want it to be fun-work, not unhappy-work.
And that mostly means not being so intimidated by my betters that I stop trying entirely. Because damn, I will not get anywhere if I freeze up.
How It Could Happen
Dunno. I’m hoping the Universe decides to give me a little bit of help, if I hold up my side of the efforts.
My Commitment
To be patient with myself.
To be mindful.
To remind myself that it’s not a competition. There’s enough information and skill-accumulating to go around. Really.
To stop comparing myself with other people. Or at least to notice when I’m doing it.
To stop whining and take action if I’m frustrated with or disappointed in my skill level or progress. But also, again, to be patient.
*crosses fingers hopefully*
For the PLUM: After stars comes wine and cheese.
Yes, yes! Thank me! 😀
Thank you, Kat!