In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
This week was crazy challenging. With some shining, beautiful moments.
And now it’s Friday! Friday wins again. So here we are. Chickening in 3, 2, 1…
The hard stuff
Confrontation! I do not like it.
So stressful. So not fun.
And so very much of it right now.
Metaphorical roller coasters.
Cycles of pain, fear, worry, doubt.
Business stuff falling through the cracks like crazy.
Admin screw-ups. System screw-ups.
Most of them my fault.
Feeling bad about all of it.
Noise. Incessant, unbearable noise.
Dogs. Babies. Hammering.
The sound of my own brain exploding from being so overwhelmed.
Generally wanting to kill people.
Pretty sure it was mostly hormonal but still. Sucks.
Tech stuff.
We broke the Secret Lab site while messing with video, and no one on staff could fix it and then we had to run for outside help (thank you, Chris!) and gaaaaaah tech stuff.
Thinking you’re done with something and then discovering you’re not.
Repeat.
The good stuff
The four hour nap I took on Saturday.
You can put that straight into the top ten list of most healing experiences of my existence. I mean, wow.
It was outrageous.
I confronted people and it was okay and I’m really proud of myself.
And even though I didn’t get what I wanted, this was such a win. Actually, it was about a dozen wins and I want ten thousand sparklepoints for doing it.
For one thing, confronting people is the most terrifying thing in the world for me. I’d rather do interpretive dance to the national anthem in front of thousands of people than initiate conversations like this.
So the fact that I even did it is a big deal. Add to that the fact that I am totally in awe of the two people I had to talk to.
And that I was able to make my case in a direct, sovereign and loving way. When they got defensive, I didn’t take it personally. I was able to see their sides, respect their positions and still say what I wanted to say.
Also I didn’t stutter or blush or apologize. And then I also figured out what we have in common (alignment!). AND I didn’t spent the next few days rehashing it in my head.
I don’t even know how to tell you how huge this is.
OHMYGOD OHMYGOD!
My beloved Guns N Rollers (the roller derby team that Selma and I sponsor) have been having a super rough season. They lost all their best skaters to the travel team, and have been struggling all year.
This past weekend in the pre-playoffs scramble they were up against the best team in the league. Imagine a small town baseball team up against the Yankees. I was pretty sure we were going to lose by hundreds of points.
But GNR has been using everything I’ve been teaching them in our Shiva Nata warm-ups, and it shows.
They showed up to the bout with the most competitive skating I’ve seen in several seasons. They lost, but only by fifteen points, which is outrageous. And they made the High Rollers work really hard to win, which no one was expecting.
If you had been there to see the GNR girls! They were using their force fields. They were using everything I’ve taught them. And it worked.
And they got to feel what it’s like when a thing that works does the job.
Shiva Nata and Roller Derby forever!
So I told Sugar that I’d be happy to run shivanautical agility and coordination trainings for the team this summer and they’re totally into it.
Just call me Flipper!
Okay so this chicken is now getting heavy on roller derby updates but that’s because there were bouts Friday, Saturday and Sunday so I really did spend half my week yelling my head off.
Anyway, there were about twenty people in our section who had never been to a bout before and they were planning on rooting for the High Rollers, but I turned them over to our side. Flip it!
See also shivanautical Flip-its, which are not the same thing.
Semi-related: the pink wig wins again!
Often at Rally (Rally!), people are heard to say that they like who they are on Rally so much better than in real-life.
Well, I like Pink Wig Havi better than regular Havi.
Pink Wig Havi! She’s gregarious, a word that no one has ever used to describe me.
Plus she’s crazy. I mean, so am I but her crazy is louder and way more entertaining.
Also, VIDEO! Of me! In a (different) pink wig.
A close second to my fear of confrontation is my terror of being videotaped. Except putting said video online.
I know that people do this every single day but I don’t get it. And I am envious of all of them.
Anyway, after years of agonizing I let someone take an actual video of a class. And then after a few more weeks of sitting on it, yesterday I published. Sparklepoints!
There are more videos up at the Secret Lab, but if you want to see me laughing hysterically and flailing some flail, go here:
This is the post where there is an actual video that you can see of me, pink wig and all, being shivanautical. Eek!
Summer!
Corn on the cob. Roasted squash from the garden. Everything from the garden.
All the roses in bloom. Strawberries! Bliss.
Also it’s Shavuot! Best. Holiday. Ever.
Plus this Monday is already Rally. Rally!
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week’s band is the best!
Sad Little Robot Excursion
They’re playing in town all week. Except that it’s really just one guy.
ANNOUNCEMENT!
June 30 is a shivanautical snack preview (better than a sneak preview) picnic call. No cost. Hanging out with me. And snacks.
And talking about Shiva Nata and flailing.
If you’re even slightly intrigued by the magic and insanity/hilarity that is Shiva Nata, you are more than welcome to sign up.
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — you can join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Ping wig looks awesome! Nothing like a prop to bring out another side of your personality. Gives me ideas (although I don’t think I’ll be colouring my hair pink. Not that brave…)
I had an event filled week… trying to build a rhythm to writing everyday again. And thought of you as you’re a super star with your consistency!
Thanks Havi for being so inspiring.
Well I usually don’t post on the Fridays, but this week I really want to, because my “thing” finally launched!
It is a musical thing.
http://www.single-bass.co.uk
Background explanation… I did a CD album a long time ago and I used to play a lot of gigs. Then Single Bass was semi-dormant for some years, simmering away on a back burner in between lots of other (worthwhile but arguably side-tracky) stuff, and I never did any gigs or released any recordings for ages (long story). But every time Havi’s said “your thing” these last couple of years, this is the “thing” I’ve been thinking of – the relaunch and the web site and the new song recordings and all. And this is the week it’s gone out into the world!
::does happy dance::
So that is the best thing about this week for me, and it is shining through any “not so good”.
Thanks for the space to celebrate, Havi & everyone, and happy listening to anyone who wants to check it out.
Oh my gosh I’m so incredibly excited by all the roller derby win and also by the confrontation win.
I wish my own confrontation this week had gone as well.
Which brings us to…
The Hard!
A confrontation of doom
Over nothing. Nothing! Oh my god it hurt so bad and I am still recovering and it didn’t go at all well. Like, me hiding in the corner sobbing and unable to uncover my eyes kind of not well. For hours. Ugh.
On the other hand, I have mostly smoothed things over with the other person involved -and- I learned a whole lot about a pattern that ultimately has nothing to do with them. So yay.
SAMWISE!
We are really having living problems, he and I. Not living with each other problems, but living with the other people (and now two new pets) that we live with problems.
The only reason I’m living here is that it was the only place that would take me knowing I had a pet. If he’s not happy either then maybe I need to find a loving home for him for him until I can afford to live without roommates.
It hurts beyond belief.
The Good!
Well, I spent all today at the zoo. That was pretty great.
Also huge major work on a lot of patterns. It feels good to be getting such awesome insights, even though they are bringing up all kinds of emotions.
Hmm, I wish I had more good. But I don’t.
Oh my god! A bazillion sparklepoints for you! Initiating terrifying conversation-of-potential-conflict is total win in itself, but also – the staying sovereign in face of defensiveness and not-taking-it-personally. That gets another bazillion sparklepoints!
And posting the video? A TRAZILLION MORE!
Altogether that makes forty-six thousand gladzillion sparklepoints, which I think is the total number of sparklepoints one person can be awarded before the universe collapses in on itself.
You rock that pink wig.
* * * * *
Mini-Friday Chicken (cuz it’s way past computer-to-bed time)
The Hards
+ Internet Hangover to the nth degree. Not pretty.
+ The Bablylove being ill, resulting in me being left to fend for myself in the kitchen for several days. Much avocado on toast was consumed. This sounds like a good thing, but, really, toast for lunch and dinner gets boring pretty quickly.
+ I like someone more than they like me! Sadface.
+ Various moments of Introvert Overwhelm.
The Goods
+ Writing the blogpost entry to Hiro’s contest. Even though I didn’t win (sadface!) I realised how awesomely I’ve been running my kingdom of late (it’s gender-funky), and that was totally awesome.
+ Awesome and much-needed two hour phone call with a much-adored friend.
+ A picture of a micro pig in red wellington boots has been making me happy all week (you can see it here – although I warn you that it is ridiculously cute: http://jenstuff.posterous.com/micro-pig-wearing-wellington-boots-of-course
+ Bringing new, shiny rituals into the mix. Booyah!
+ Realising that Yin Yoga Asana Practice (yes, I have to say the whole thing) has seamlessly become part of my day.
+ Buying the domain name for my blog! I have no idea how to change my blog over to its new navigatingbyheart.com home, but I own it!
+ Stage One in Deconstructing Internet Hangover Pattern completed.
+ So many Semi-Supine Sovereignty Breaks, I couldn’t even tell you how many! (But at an estimate, at least forty. The week was littered with them!)
+ The most awesome cog-turning coaching with the most awesome Heidi. Man, she knows her shit.
+ General progressiness on projects that had gotten stuckified in the mud.
+ Releasing of some particularly hard, old pain that had gotten stuck in my body, thanks to the gorgeous healing brilliance of TAT. Plus, it lead to uncovering the parts of me that are scared of healing and I got to be the Big Sis mentor and say all sorts of useful, gentle, loving things to them and cleared out this bit of the fear by doing so. Sparklepoints for everyone!
This has been a particularly good week.
Love & Stuffs
Reba x
Ha. Just realised that my Mini Friday Chicken really doesn’t deserve that name anymore.
Mini-Friday Chicken, you will now be known as I’d-Say-Longer-than-Average Friday Chicken.
I am seriously going to bed now, it’s almost not Friday anymore (in New Zealand) (cuz it’s all futuristic like that).
The video is awesome! A <3 the pink wig! 🙂
And it’s always a great reassurance to know that I’m not the only person who takes ages to make that important-yet-super-scary step of "putting myself out there". Even especially on the internets.
I really want to come to one of your fabulous events in the future, when I save the monies for travel and lodging expenses. And make peace with the US visa procedures and airport security and and and… (I can totally see the internal resistance building up.) Too bad you don’t have a twin somewhere closer, in Europe. 😉
Yay for the being able to confront people and stay sovereign!
This week has only been 7 days. I don’t believe it. Fairly sure time has done some weird stretching and warping mojo.
Hard:
– the weekend, my mood just completely crashed and felt utterly overwhelmed and unable to do any of the many, many things I thought I needed to be doing right now
– some anxiety induced insomnia, oh 3am thoughts, how I never missed you
– having to go and sign on. Where I used to work. Awkward.
– going for a job interview, realising it would be the worst fit ever and worrying about getting offered it
– internet communications have really been sucking this week
– also the next person to edit my photos without permission is having hired ninjas on their tail.
Good:
– did an incredibly accurate Tarot reading, that even while it wasn’t necessarily what I wanted to hear, gave me clarity on what I needed to do. And doing that helped a lot.
– being able to take time out without hating myself
– been working on novel/diss and so into the book again
– plus spoke with diss supervisor, we get on really well and we’ve worked out a solution to the problem
– 365 photo project going really well
– got my new lens and enjoying playing with it
– going and chatting with people I used to work with and catching up when I went to sign on
– feeling energy and mood turning upwards
– looking forward to spending some time with my mama next week
Now I’m going to go and have some tea and read my book…pretty much because I can. Yay!
@Reba, ‘gladzillion’ has become my new most favourite number ever! And I concur on the allocation of sparklepoints all round.
What happened this week?
Hard stuff…
– I really wanted off the merry-go-roller-coaster for a while. Too much been-doing-this-for-too-long nausea and the dis/mis-connection blues.
– the next perfect job has not fallen in my lap like it normally does. Come on Universe! I need this to happen in the next three weeks. Ugghhh… going to have to update my resume. Horrors!
– the debt collectors are ringing cos we is overdue with lots of bills. boooring…
– Aussie social security system is like every other big m*f*ing kafka-esque bureaucracy which I truly believe is deliberately set up to make getting your OWN money back so entirely and bizarrely complicated and drawn out that you end up willing to give up fighting to get your OWN money back and they don’t have to pay you your OWN money and the gvmt is cool with that. M*f*ers.
Also, they sent me seven letters in one day about one claim I submitted. !!?? Errr, I’m a tax-payer, and I’m concerned about postage cost inefficiencies….
Nonetheless, I too am a m*f*er and they will not keep MY money forever!!!!!!!!!!! Raaaaahhhrrr
That’ll do.
The GOOOOOOOD!!!
+ dumplings. Oh my god how much do I love dumplings? With chilli oil and vinegar and soy sauce. Mmmmmm
+ found a farmers market that is open EVERY SUNDAY (because Saturday morning is strictly reserved for stuffing around doing nothing) and it was good. Also it’s indoors so even when it’s raining and freezing it won’t be a completely miserable experience. Wooooo!!
+ got through the dis+mis-connection blues and nausea and even got some dolce dolce in there again. Merry-go-roller-coaster!
+ girlfriends
+ finally making progress on my big project by breaking it down into twelve small projects and deciding to work for a month on each of them over the next year. I will be 175 years old when I’m finally ready to do my thing… *sigh*growth-is-exponential-yada-yada-yada
+ decided to preface all my resolutions with the words “To the best of my ability I will…..” which makes my Judgement and Condemnation Two-Headed Vulture Judges much quieter and less depressing and stuckifying and helps my Curious Kitty keep up the investigation about how and why the resolution did/not come off and what we can do to make it easier/better/nicer in the future.
Which is good.
Mmmmmm, that’ll do too. Shleeeeepy.
Bkbkbk bkark xox
Oh, confrontation. I am so, so, so, so, so very bad at that. That’s 10 *million* sparklepoints just for initiating, nevermind doing it well.
And yay for Jennifer and her new website!
Let’s chicken!
This week’s hard:
– Sneaky mosquitoes! I have a dozen huge welty, itchy, burny bites that came out of nowhere. And the itch stuff in the drawer was FIVE YEARS expired! (Hint: Itch stuff doesn’t work very well past its prime.)
– In addition to itchy fun, I feel a neck major cramp coming on. Applying the heat and self-massaging like crazy, but it’s still lurking.
– Realizing just how hard it is to make new friends in real life in your forties.
This week’s good:
– Three major projects off my desk this week. And invoiced. 🙂
– Fabulous new clock for my workspace, finally one that doesn’t tick.
– Had a couple of small inspirations that could make a huge difference in the way I work.
Happy Friday, Chickeneers!
Ah, Friday. Am excited to watch your video and experience a taste of what other people get to see in person! And maybe understand more about Shiva Nata, since it’s quite likely over my head big-time. And being able to address conflict (or talk about anything difficult, or stand up for myself, etc.) and stay sovereign … that is my life’s goal/work.
My week:
The Hard:
-Feeling super vulnerable by a bunch of painful triggers and feeling myself start to lash out like I used to (but I did catch it).
-Scared of the mean, ugly feelings that came up.
-Had a doctor visit that was very depersonalizing and dehumanizing. Anger that it doesn’t have to be that way.
-Had outpatient foot surgery, and it was really effing scary.
-FOUR huge needles to numb up my feet. My already sore feet. I tried deep breathing, but I almost passed out after the third needle.
-The procedure itself was uncomfortable and somewhat painful, and I almost threw up a third of the way through. My body registered the pain/invasion before my mind did!
-Recovery challenges, and fear that the procedure won’t “work,” ie, eliminate my chronic pain issue.
-Feeling invaded in a few different ways.
The Good:
+Very understanding boss who is rooting for me, and allowing me to work from home to stay comfortable.
+My lovely bf has been nurturing and understanding, and is taking care of me.
+My little dog and cats are keeping me company.
+The hope that things will be improving on the mobility front.
+Completely numb feet made me feel like I was walking on stilts — kind of a trip!
+The technician who did the procedure was a young, hot, rugged, football-playing, motorcycle-riding hunter. Rawr! We talked about meat. RAWR!
+Got a handle on my finances, including a better budget, ran a credit check, etc.
+Visit with bf’s mother might have been a turning point – we’ll see!
+I plan to nurture myself wholly today.
Sparklepoints!
The hard:
So much this week! Waking up with white hot anger burning in the pit of my stomach and not knowing why. Lashing out at the gentleman friend. Hating the pattern that happened.
Miscommunication with a friend and sadness and anger on both sides.
Trying to close with my old uni job. Old colleagues not answering my email that I would be there and fear that they don’t care. Feeling lonely.
Still stuck on the job thing.
The good:
Managing to explain myself to my mom and giving her the feeling that I am not excluding her from my life.
The gentleman friend!!! He was there during the anger and he came with me to clean the lab at uni. He convinced me to celebrate closure.
A good talk with the PI about my dissertation.
Support for finishing the diss that isn’t full of pressure.
A thoughtful gift from a good friend. And understanding from my BFF.
I hope everyone has a relaxing weekend/ upside down days.
TTGIF! The extra T is for totally. I totally thank God it’s Friday! Since I stopped working in a regular office with a regular work week, Friday hasn’t been a marker for the end of the week and my work. And since my husband was forced to retire, the weekends aren’t much different from weekdays. But this week has really needed to be OVER and it finally nearly is!
Anyway, the week:
So MUCH hard. Too much time in the emergency room, the hospital, the clinic. Medical people who don’t listen or don’t understand. Are they really that obtuse? How can they be care givers if they don’t care?! Fearing that I won’t be able to go to Rally. Friend who often offers help with husband’s care let me down about that. Lots of sleeplessness. Stress!!
But there’s good stuff too!
I was able to get someone to stay with husband and that means I can go!
Good neighbors who will look in on husband while the “night man” is at work.
Last week, I fell apart at the hospital. This week I managed to stay sovereign.
Rediscovered the power of paper. Printed out a “chronology” of recent medical events and that avoided a lot of confusion. When I tried to tell people the same info, they didn’t seem to get it. Also the list of diagnoses (31 of them!) and the medical history and the blood pressure readings and so on. There is something impressive about producing sheafs of paper, especially a few pages at a time, from a binder full of papers. The joke is that most of the papers in the binder had nothing to do with his medical stuff.
Our doctor and his staff. After all the upsets and worries, he took a LOT of time with us to make sure everything was okay. And his nurses were so supportive and helpful. Blessings on their heads.
There is power in taking names. So you can say “Dr X said. Nurse Y told me.” Also dates.
The Vitruvian man! I printed out a picture of the Vitruvian man and marked it as a quick overview for my husband’s medical history.
I got a colorful new suitcase just for going to Portland! I can’t tell you how much I wanted this particular one.
And it’s Friday, which means that whatever doesn’t get done today just doesn’t get done because tomorrow I go to my sister’s and she takes me to the airport and I get on a plane and go to Portland and whatever I don’t get done today just doesn’t get done and I won’t worry about it.
So — every one have a great weekend and an even better week.
Yikes! this is a long comment! Havi has written that she can’t do short blog posts. It seems like I can’t do short comments.
Confrontation is such a tricky thing. Sparklepoints in abundance!
Hard:
–An unexpected car expense: I needed two new tires and new brake pads in order to pass inspection. Ouch. Just adds to the already plentiful money worries.
–Saying goodbye to the mattress that I loved so much. It had to happen; we’ve had it for over a decade and it’s worn out, not nearly as comfortable as it used to be, especially on my sweetie’s side of the bed. But oh, when it was good, it was so very very good, sheer bliss with a pillow top, and the replacement mattress — oh, it was free, and it’s nearly new and in good condition, and I’m grateful to the friends who gave it to us, but I just don’t love it like I loved the other one, you know? Trying to soothe my sad self who fears that she’ll never get to have such a wonderful mattress ever again.
–Triggery bursts of anxiety on a couple of occasions.
Good:
–We have a mechanic who is local, helpful, friendly, and fair — truly a pearl beyond price.
–I re-discovered some CDs I hadn’t listened to in years, and they’ve made excellent traveling companions and mood-lifters this week.
–Havi and the Pink Wig of Power! Having the opportunity to watch and play with that video was such a delicious surprise and such a joy. If I weren’t so embarrassed to admit it, I’d go so far as to say that it was a healing experience for me — oh, but wait, I just said that, didn’t I? Well, so be it. So I’m blushing. That just means that now I have the pink cheeks of Power!
Wishing everyone a beautiful weekend. I’m ready to rock out with the Sad Little Robot Excursion: unst! unst! unst! unst!
Sparklepoints to all.
The Hard:
– spending 3.5 days with a cold (summer colds are the worst)
– being out of my routine: very little yoga, over-sugared, under-rested
– not enough work got done
– annual check up at the doctor’s office: I’m healthy but I just really really hate going
The Good:
– a wedding in Indiana where I got to catch up with friends and do a lot of dancing
– my Visiting professor position got converted to a tenure-track position
– lunch with a dear friend
– progress on design elements for my fall public policy course and summer online K-12 teacher course
More sparklepoints to all.
@ClaireP: dumplings! Now I have an urge to make them for dinner…
@LoriP: I hear you on the bug bites. Yargggh. (My sweetie: did you burn your wrist on the oven? That’s a bug bite!? Holy –!)
@VickiB: Vitruvian Man! Very cool. (As in, not cool that you had to be documenting the ick, but very clever of you!)
My hard:
* sadness and worry and frustration over heaps of things I do not feel I can fix or ease at this time
* feeling derailed by the above instead of staying focused on my big rocks and small kindnesses
* outsized annoyance at vendors repeatedly delivering late/damaged goods
My good:
* loving partner, doggie, friends
* progress on getting things out the door, including clutter to the bin, notes to friends, and myself to exercise
* picking up challah from my favorite bakery
* I do enjoy my work, and today I expect to be able to spend all day on it (instead of putting out fires)
* not being able to do bupkis about some of the things making me sad –> space and time for other things that matter to me
Onward! Wishing everyone help with their hard stuff, and sending huzzahs for the happy things.
I cannot wait until I’m able to watch the pink wig video. So much fun!
The hard:
– Feeling overwhelmed with lots of activities I can’t get out of.
– It’s really hot here, and I have stuff that’s coming up around that, though not as much as usual, admittedly.
– Day job stuff.
The good:
– Pride month! Woo!
– So excited to come to Portland in September.
– Dreams feeling much closer to reality.
– People like to do fun things in the summer. So that’s fun.
– Feeling giddy about great, exciting, creative work, some of which I’m actively creating and some of which is kind of just coming to me out of magic.
A very happy weekend to everybody!
A million billion zillion sparklepoints to you for the confrontation and the video and the posting of said video (which is marvelous, I love love love it)! Plus a kiss from the silver puppy.
The pink wig is hawt. Extra sparklepoints for confronting the confrontation!
Hard:
-Wisdom tooth still. Don’t like.
-It’s still raining occasionally in our bedroom.
-Facing the unpleasant things in the deep. Saying out loud that these are my sea monsters.
-The overwhelm. It overwhelms.
Good:
-Naughty bits….use your imagination.
-The Thing continues to take shape. The tiny seed is growing. It’s shocking. Shocking! You plant a seed and start to nourish it with love and thought, and it actually grows!
-Time spent at friends’ house. Chickens! Bees! Fire truck! Zip line! Legos! So much good.
-A helpful idea to stop me from eating the food-that-is-not-food. I ask myself: Would you let the Little Bird have this right now? No? You’d tell her to have a banana? Have a banana.
-Easing back into movement. Slowly. Slowly. Not pushing. Not judging. Just moving. Gently. Slowly. Ahhhhhh…
-Is it light again? It seems like the darkness is ebbing. I’m hoping it’s more than a temporary reprieve…
Yay for everything – for the derby and the videos! Amazing wig <3 And sparklepoints for the confrontation 🙂
The hard stuff
* Too much busy.
* Headaches.
* Revisiting stuff – throughout this week i’ve had to act suicidal, save someone acting suicidal [suicide intervention training, to put into perspective; oh – where i did both these IN FRONT OF PEOPLE] and relive an event that makes me angry.. all for training purposes but EUGH. My poor head.
* Sleep’s been weird.. not enough, too much, nightmares about being lassoed and hanged. Thanks for that, brain.
* Ignoring my to-dos list..
* Edit: internet problems.. such as trying to post comments on forums/blogs. GRRR.
The good stuff
~ Saw my other half; for three DAYS <3 it's never that long. Very in sync and some nice conversations about the future.
~ I finished my exams!
~ Summer plans are looming. EXCITED!
~ Getting back into shivanata, big time <3 How i've missed thee!
~ Reading! Able to read fiction!
~ Writing – being ordered after day 1 of suicide training to do "self-care homework" so I could work on my novel. With dragons!
~ Treating myself to the tshirts I've wanted for over 3 years but couldn't afford.. [with dragons..]
~I ignored my to-dolist to email work.. then they rang me and I was able to say that I'm not going to be in when I said I would.. and it's okay! Phew..
Have a glooorrrriious week/end 🙂
I LOVE the video – and the wig!
The hard:
– Too many stories about illnesses and deaths among friends’ families and friends.
– Tired.
– Physio showed be excercises that somehow don’t go along with my yoga practice from before lumbago and I have somehow lost a real pratice of whichever sort.
The good:
– Weekend with one of my closest girl friends.
– Connector mouse activities.
– Husband unexpectedly around for two days in my work city.
– Raspberries.
– Boss put a box of my favourite chocolate on my desk before I arrived at work this morning.
– I can move out earlier than expected in July which will save me quite a bit of rent.
Ten thousand sparklepoints definitely called for. That video makes me so very happy.
This week! Oh, this week. What happened to us?
The hard:
-Chaos! Augh! Noooo! I thought we had just dealt with this! Sigh. Whine. Deal with it. Repeat.
-I have not been getting enough sleep, different reason every night. I think I need to be more belligerent about defending my boundaries. That and I need to break down and turn the air conditioning down a little more.
-I think those two things ate my time.
-I have an interview on Tuesday. I am so conflicted. Ack.
The good:
-Hey, I heard back on an application! That’s a good thing whatever happens.
-In spite of chaos, some things did get done. Some of them were even important and necessary in people other than me’s collective opinions.
-I’m learning a new skill. That’s always nifty!
-The sangria I made last week is still delicious. So is this new kind of ice cream I got. In fact I think I may go indulge in some of both now…
Happy Friday chickeneers!
I love the wig 🙂
The hard this week:
-nostalgia and sadness at convocation. I mean, not that I actually want to still be in uni. But I kind of do. It’s hard leaving. Did I make the most of my time? Wondering.
– not exactly having a day off. Well, I didn’t work on Sunday, but I spent the whole day socializing and walking which although fun isn’t extremely restful
– cold and damp and tired at the Veggie Parade. And getting annoyed at the incessant chanting
The good:
– graduating with high distinction. Proud me
– less stressed out this week. I don’t think I’ve fallen apart even once, at least not seriously
– hot weather! Fabulous
– submitted my first guest post
Hooray for the chicken!
And I luuuuuurve the pink wig video. 🙂
The Hard
-Headaches – ouch. A couple of which were actually hangovers – ouch plus kicking myself
-General crankiness, not unrelated to the headaches
-Motivation not putting in much of an appearance this week
The good
-Stories. Lots of immersing myself in good stories: saw a movie that I really enjoyed, HBO shows were crazy and interesting, a book I felt obligated to read actually sucked me in and made me very happy, and a couple of blissful evenings were spent watching old Buffy episodes. I love me my stories.
-After going to the movies, my husband and I spent a lovely summer evening having delicious foods on a very pleasant restaurant patio.
-issues with the dishwasher worked out, and we ended up spending way less than we expected
-checks in the mail!
-the new mattress came!!!! My very own Heavenly Bed (of Westin fame) makes me thoroughly blissful.
Have a lovely weekend, y’all!
A gazillion sparklepoints!! Way to go, Havi! And I love your pink wig and video.
I haven’t chickened here in a long while, but here goes:
Hard
– Entirely too much driving around in a car
– Yet another visit to the vet. Can this “ritual” be over, please?
– Creaky-achy all over, in spite of seeing the substitute chiro last week.
– Attending “Quantum Leadership” training which crammed 23 people in a room that comfortably accomodates about, oh, 18.
– Having the entire class laugh when I said it would take me about a week to recover from this 2-day class.
– Being told over and over again that I should embrace doing things that make me feel uncomfortable and unsafe.
– Feeling like I was being forced to adopt an ideology that doesn’t resonate with me.
– Realizing that all the stuff I had planned to mark off my to-do list this weekend probably won’t get done because I will be in recovery mode.
Good
– My dog and my cat are (almost) getting along! Score!! Happy dancing all around!! I can almost see the day when my house isn’t subdivided with baby gates everywhere. Yay!
– Visiting MY chiro today and getting all the kinks worked out. I love that man. He is especially gifted + kind and caring + knows exactly how to speak to me effectively (i.e., convincing me to do what’s good for me!)
– Entering Day 2 of the Quantum Leadership training with my invisible force field fully charged. Dammit!
– Being willing to express a dissenting opinion when the trainers were espousing ideas that were contrary to my belief system.
– FINALLY getting some acknowledgment from one of the trainers that knowing how draining the class would be for me, it took a lot of commitment on my part to even show up. THANK YOU!
– Actually learning some good things in the class, even though I absolutely hated the entire experience.
– Being asked to say, publicly, why I gave an affirmation card to someone: Because I wanted her to know that she is perfect just the way she is, and that whatever parts of the class that resonated with her, she could use them and whatever parts of the class that didn’t resonate with her, she could ignore. (And I’m just now realizing how doing that displayed some Serious Sovereignty! Good grief, I’m giving myself 10,000 sparklepoints!!)
Wow. Chickening. As a friend likes to say, what a concept.
Support for all your chickens. I always read them, even when I don’t reply to anything.
The Hard:
-I feel stuck in my addiction. It’s more painful and complicated that those words convey.
-A good amount of neck & back pain. An increase in ankle pain. And my Naproxen is stuck in a moving box somewhere, waiting to be unearthed.
-Last night was too hot for me to wear my CPAP, so I didn’t sleep very well.
-I haven’t taken my vitamins & supplements in two days. I think I’m going to take them with my dinner tonight.
-The weather went from really chilly & rainy to normal super-hot summer weather in about 2 days. Not much in the middle, which I would have enjoyed.
-I’ve been avoiding anything that could help me. Avoiding being present in my body, any form of movement, except for one time this week. Avoiding prayer, meditation, writing, and Shiva Nata. Avoiding my program. That sucks. I haven’t been able to make myself get back into any of it.
The In-Between:
*Having lunch with That One Guy. Had good and hard parts.
*Doing domestic violence volunteer training. I’m looking forward to the work I’ll be doing, but the training is bringing up a lot of stuff for everyone in the class. More stuff than I thought it would. The knowledge is useful but painful.
The Good:
+I had some thoughts about my addiction that might help me if I apply them. I haven’t, but I’m giving myself credit for the knowledge anyway. Damnit.
+The amazing feeling I get when I’ve warmed up for dance (or done yoga) and I corrected about three things in my body that didn’t feel good, two of which I hadn’t noticed until I’d fixed them. This is a reminder that stretching and warming up can happen even when dancing does not.
+Got an adjustment from my chiro today, who I love. Also got a DVD of a favorite movie for free.
+Scheduled another chiro appointment, and a massage appointment for next week. Yay self-care!
+Painted my nails in a shade of purple that I LOVE.
+Had breakfast at my favorite place this morning.
Friday chicken on Saturday! Because cold chicken for breakfast is good.
The hard: last night. Cat. Didn’t want to come in. Not much sleep. Bah.
sweetie is cranky. summer is upon us and she is overscheduled. I can’t fix it. Feh.
getting back into the swing after a week of studying.
cannot find a not-full CPR/first aid class! (which I need). Debating organizing one myself. Feel like if the class is full and the waitlist is full maybe they should open another two sections?
my SCM (sternoclaidomastoid) is so tight it is making my thumb hurt. Dangit. Must. Relax.
The good: I PASSED! The Exam Of Doom is officially DONE.
Two clients today to start up again.
Better weather than we’ve had for a long time.
The Spark Kit. Useful. Yay.
Hope! And the beginnings of something that might be strategy.
Sparklepoints for Havi! Yay!
Strawberries also came up in my garden, literally AND figuratively. Apparently the sky is broken here in Britain and we’re getting things allegedly scheduled for the British Summer (around 10 days at the end of July) coming up right now. Making it strawberry o’clock in my house when I check the garden for breakfast ideas.
Non-literal strawberrying is in the form of a project idea I’ve chewed at for nearly a year without finding its flavor. That happened this week. I’m happy. And hungry for it again.
I’ve never seen a pinker wig.
Pink. Pinker. Pinkest. That wig.
Whenever I call by, your site makes me happy. Lesson, methinks.
Wow, go you in confrontation! I am pleased to hear it worked and that you’re proud of yourself! Sparklepoints and Playtickets abound!
Also, thank you very much for sharing the video, Havi. I love that I now am able to hear your posts in your voice, which is a beautiful and playful voice. It makes a big difference.
And that brings me to my own chickening.
I’m chickening out.
I’m not going to do the good and the hard, because I am still struggling with the tension that hits me between my shoulder blades and in the very bottom of my throat when I think about Friday Chicken, read the comments about Friday Chicken…. I am scheduling some time to talk to ourselves about that, but not now, because today is all about claiming space. But it’s both very cool and very nerve-wracking to note that I don’t get the tension when I read the original post. I only get it when I read the comments. But it’s BAD. As in, just had to take Naproxen and Valerin (a valerian/passionflower combo) to try to get rid of the pain.
I recognize this is a good thing, and I thank every last one of you for participating and reflecting something back to me.
Finally, loads of love and support to all. Seems like we all deserve it. 😉
The check-in.
The Hard:
Uncomfortable physical sensations, and painful thoughts and feelings. The usual. Mindful of them, leaning into the discomfort, moving forward anyway even though I want to cry sometimes.
Missing a boy. I had a dream about him last night where he said he loved me, which actually makes me feel better.
Match.com. Enough said.
Scared about things in general. Then forgetting to be mindful of anxiety and forgetting to radically accept my thoughts and feelings and things. Tired of life and its ups and downs and downs.
The Good:
4.5 hours of yoga yesterday. Class and then Inversion Workshop. Love.
Going to ride my bike in the woods even though it’s sort of raining and I might slip.
I know these feelings will pass and life will be worthwhile again. And that crying is ok. And that filing for bankruptcy is not anywhere near the worst thing in the world that could happen. Seriously, there are people who would give their right arm to have that be their problem.
The Hard
– total overwhelm.
– so. many. emails. (i wish i could go on email sabbatical)
– all the pain of feeling i am not good enough and will never finish the doctorate
– all the pain of feeling disconnected from friends & family in different situations and different places.
The Good
– I fixed the internet connection. Yes I did.
– starting to see some causes to the the overwhelm (instead of blaming it all on me)
– starting to be able to be more gentle with myself again.
– The loooong weekend away with my love. Ow how delicious was that weekend I can’t believe it. Oh lucky do I feel for that weekend.
The wish
So much more gentleness. And no emails.
So. Much.
Writing a guest blog post for amwriting.
Relishing my new role in a writing group.
Mixing up new bread dough. I love making new bread dough. Especially since I don’t have to knead it.
Cleaning our garage. The workbench hadn’t seen daylight in months… now you can actually use it for, you know, work.
Prepping some big bad notes for a big bad move that will certainly be underway. There’ll be some confrontation. There’ll be some negotiation. And one way or another, it’s going to work out well.
Just finished typing up minor revisions for the first act of my novel. Feeling so freed up to work on the second half.
And pondering when my wife and I will have a Portland Ikea excursion for the new-loo part of our own Playground.
Pea flowers opening up in the garden. Hop vines climbing to the top of their tepee.
Sunshine. Oh my goodness. Sunshine!