There’s this thing and I have no idea what it’s called, but it goes kind of like this.
There’s this completely horrid and dislike-able character on television or in a movie. The mean boss. The snobby girl. The vindictive teacher. The bully.
But then you find out that there’s a reason for their horribleness. A reason that makes them seem vulnerable because of the deep and awful loss they’ve experienced.
And once that reason is known, you start to find out that They’re Really Not So Bad.
I’m positive there is already a name for this phenomenon, and if someone has already found it on tvtropes.org, please tell me!
Lost in a tragic _____________ incident.
The awful boss was being so unreasonable about the deadline, but then it turned out that her entire family had perished in a tragic deadline incident.
The sadistic sergeant who sticks to the rules so strictly — he’s only been that way since his pet koala died in a tragic rulebook incident.
The boyfriend who refuses to talk about his feelings or even admit he has them, but then it all kind of makes sense once you discover that his brother was actually defenestrated in a tragic communicating incident.
It happens.
We all have our reasons.
Sometimes it’s hard to remember but we do.
But there’s another point here too.
When I write blog posts or teach a class or do whatever it is I do at Rally (Rally!), I always want people to know they can change the language.
If I’m referencing sovereignty and that’s not your word, re-work it.
If I’m talking about superpowers but superpowers are uncomfortable for you, re-think them.
It’s your experience. You get to have your own relationship with it.
And there are two ways to work with a word that doesn’t speak to you. You can rewrite the word (invent!) or you can rewrite the definition (translate!).
Either way, you’ll probably want to do some unpacking.
Unpacking is a metaphor, of course.
It just means figuring out what your associations are with a particular word or concept, both positive and negative.
Let’s see… I was in this yoga class and the teacher kept talking about SUPPORT, and I noticed that I started feeling uncomfortable. What qualities, aspects or attributes of support live inside of my personal definition of this word?
Support has — for me — some good things, like:
[+safety] [+sturdiness] [+held] [+can’t hurt myself because I am cared for]
But I also have some not good associations:
[+having to depend on others] [+vulnerability] [+stuck]
Once you know what’s in there, you have choices.
You can decide to rewrite your definition:
From now on, I choose to interpret support to mean that I have internal and external resources which hold me up and keep me grounded and safe.
Support includes my own strengths, and also maybe a community of people that I can rely on.
It can also mean things like the earth, the floor, oxygen — anything that physically helps me move, walk, breathe and be.
Or you can use the metaphor mouse technique to find a new story or a new name for it.
I still don’t love support, but I adore the idea of a hammock. So from now on, whenever she says SUPPORT, I’m going to whisper HAMMOCK to myself, and feel the feeling of the hammock.
Either of these is much better than being in resistance.
It’s no fun thinking to yourself: Aaaargh support is so stupid!
It’s no fun being the person secretly grieving. How can they talk about support when I lost everything I loved in a tragic supporting incident! I’m being a little silly here but sometimes that’s really how it feels.
Sometimes we have pain around words and we don’t even know it.
So if a word doesn’t resonate with you, there isn’t anything wrong with you.
And there isn’t anything wrong with the word.
It just meant that it’s time to give yourself a new word or a new definition. Or both.
Unless, of course, you lost your ability to do that in a tragic dictionary incident.
Back to the ice cream.
Last night I was teaching Shiva Nata at the Playground, and we were coming up with words for the different positions.
The horizontals were Ice Cream, Panda, Sandbox and Barnacle. The verticals were Scrumptious, Cloud, Clam and Orange. It was highly entertaining.
It’s a cloud, shaped like a panda, in a sandbox, eating orange ice cream. Scrumptious panda has barnacle clams? The oranges are cloudy!
But even with silly, ridiculous play-words, you still never know what people’s personal baggage is. Who knows what tragic ice cream panda incidents live in their past?
Everyone has their stuff.
You don’t know what their associations are with these things. And even though it’s unlikely that they suffered awful losses in a tragic orange scrumbox clam-cloud incident, you never what what’s going on for them.
So it’s always, always, always useful to remind people that they have the power to interact consciously with language.
And if they don’t like a word, they can investigate their relationship with that word.
Or not. But change the word or rewrite it or replace it.
Once you remember that you have the power to do that with a word, you have the power to do it with anything.
Play! And comment zen for the giant blanket fort playroom.
If you want to invent ridiculous and imaginary possible tragic incident backstories with me, you are welcome to.
If you want to invent a new name for that particular trope, that works too.
If you want to rewrite words or investigate definitions or do some metaphor mousing, go for it!
As always, we all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We take responsibility for our stuff and recognize that it’s ours.
We take care of ourselves and each other by making space for people to have their own experience and not giving unsolicited advice or telling people how to feel. That’s all.
Ice cream and pandas for everyone! Unless you don’t like either of those, in which case you don’t have to have one. I’m sure we have something else in the treasure box. What would you like instead?
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I. Love. This.
I find this translating-ninja-backstory superpower is very much related to actions as much as words. Just like the “there is no shoe” idea, I guess, I make up backstories in which that aggressive driver has nothing to do with a person being mean or bad or directing their actions toward me. Because perhaps the aggressive driver has a severe backache and is rushing to get home to their pain medication! There are many, many unlikely stories like this that I concoct every day. Even if they are highly unlikely to be true. I’d much rather say to myself it’s impossible to know WHY that person is doing XYZ than to think about scenarios in which they might be doing it deliberately to harm others.
Hi Havi! 🙂
I’ve been mostly stalking and haven’t commented for quite some time, but this one called to me. 😉 I just love Metaphor Mouse and the idea of taking those words that don’t feel nice and turning them into something lovely.
So I’m going to play with one right here to get my feet wet, using your format from the Metaphor Mouse post… 😉
(And I welcome anyone else who would like to play with this, as well! More ideas for words, metaphors, ways to make it fun, etc are very welcome. 😉 )
The word: WORK
This word makes me feel icky, and yet I keep associating it with what I do when I’m working on my business! So it’s time for some re-framing.
Unpacking my Current Relationship with this (WORK = ?)
What are the qualities, aspects, associations, attributes of the problem word (including what *is* working — if anything)?
– hard
– unpleasant
– push through it
– do it anyway
– often something I don’t enjoy
– stuck
– should do it
– dread
– spinning my wheels and getting nowhere
– stressful
– look busy even if I’m not
– feel like I should sit at my desk at least between 9am and 5pm
– feel like it should not include playtime
– fun projects
– times of productivity that feel awesome
– at the mercy of client’s whims
Reminds me of?
Being a slave and working for someone else who doesn’t care whether I have fun or not, whether I enjoy it or not, and whether I feel or am successful or not.
A lot of *shoulds* and feelings of guilt if I don’t do it a certain way.
Mindless drudgery, putting one foot in front of the other, only seeing what’s happening now and not looking at the bigger picture.
Learning more about my IDEAL metaphor (WORK = ?)
What sort of qualities, aspects and feelings does the thing I want contain?
– freedom
– play
– adventure
– delight
– creating beauty
– accomplishment
– an exciting big picture
– every day a new adventure
– doing what I love
– figuring out how to NOT do what I don’t love
– doing it whenever I want
– doing it wherever I want
– anticipation
– joy
– relationships & connections that bring me joy
– projects that are fun, when time flies
– results, money flowing in
– traction, moving toward what I want
– control
– ease
– relaxing
Reminds me of?
Taking back control of my own actions and destiny. Acting like a Goddess who has all the power and doesn’t accept anything less than what she wants.
Like orchestrating a grand adventure or production, with lots of people to get things done so I can just have fun and enjoy it.
So easy it’s like waving a magic wand, or wiggling my fingers, and ta da! it’s done.
Getting lost in enjoying it and loosing track of time. Like a kid, so enthralled with something that she’s late for supper. But it doesn’t matter, because supper really happens whenever I need or want it to.
Really loving the goddess metaphor…
What needs to happen next?
As I go throughout my day, I want to look at everything I’m doing as if I am that powerful goddess waving my magic wand.
Find more words to describe the experience, the various parts of my day, to turn it into a day of a goddess.
I’m going to look for gowns, dancing, worship, realms, rituals, divine, gemstones and other words that can be used for whatever is a part of this experience.
My desk & office space = my realm.
My projects = gemstones.
The various tasks I do like email & social media = rituals.
And so on.
How do I make it more fun?
Use things I already have like wine glasses, pretty dresses/wraps, dancing music, jewelry and anything else I think of to help me create a fun and beautiful experience.
Pull out my 365 Goddess book and find a ritual or two to play with.
Make signs, like one to go above my desk with a fun, playful title.
When I first started reading Fluent Self, I was actually a little resistant to the whimsical language, because I am not (ordinarily) a whimsical person. I am practical to a fault and can pull a cost-benefit analysis out of thin air for any occasion, however inappropriate.
But I kept coming back because the SENSE of things felt so right. And since the SENSE of things was right I had to think about why I was resisting the language, because as you so trenchantly point out, language is just WORDS.
Like “defenestrate.” What a frickin’ awesome word that is. How many people on the WWW use it? Not enough!
I’ve been reading now for about a year, I think, and am beginning to unstick myself from the flypaper of practicality and indulge the concept of whimsy.
Thank you.
Oh wow, Jessilicious, I totally feel the same way about the W-word, and I see how it would be useful to look at it in a new way! Given me some thoughts, you have! 🙂
I also have a response to something from this post… first, it’s ARRGGGHHHH: tvtropes is TOO FUN!!! Good thing I was eating lunch and looking for something fun to do while eating.
But also, I think I may have found the trope you’re looking for, Havi! The “Freudian Excuse” -http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FreudianExcuse – which gives a villain his reason to be so villainous. Or there might be something else more appropriate on the “Sliding Scale of Antagonist Vileness” – http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SlidingScaleOfAntagonistVileness but (fellow tvtropes newbies beware!) there are so. many. fascinating. links!!!
Lastly: I do believe I’ll take you up on the ice cream idea. But only after I start what I’m resisting doing. That always seems to help, for some reason. I think it’s because I only let myself have ice cream when I’m doing this thing I am struggling to do.
Maybe I can change the word “work” to “preparing myself for ice cream”…! 🙂
Ohmygosh! So this is how a lot of people in my religion feel about “god”. And the translation/metaphor mousing is how a lot of us get through all KINDS of uncomfortable stuff. Like prayers before meals. That one line in the pledge of allegiance. Protracted theological conversations with people who want us to agree with them about everything including relgion. That sort of thing.
Yes! Translation and metaphormousing FTW!
Because we’re not nearly in as much disagreement as we usually think.
Ice cream and pandas! MrB has a 23-year-old stuffed Panda named Buddy; I’m going to invite them both to go with me for ice cream!
I read this right after teaching a Spanish class in which we were trying to sort out the subtleties of usage of certain verbs because besides their dictionary meaning/translation, there are implications and ideas that don’t actually get into the dictionary but are pretty crucial to knowing what word to use, and also one of the reasons that you can’t translate word for word.
So when I read this about translating a word, I thought how useful it is sometimes to be able to go from one language to another and back in order to get around some of the baggage that a word carries.
I love metaphor mouse. I love the dictionary.
A bad word that I need to rework is Procrastination. Because it has all these associations with resistance, stuckness, guilt, should, doom and disaster and punishment. It’s hard to come up with positive associations, except maybe delayed gratification, which is supposed to be a good thing, isn’t it? So why doesn’t it work for me?
The word comes from the Latin root crastinus, belonging to tomorrow. And I think that I defer things till later/tomorrow because I can only do so much in one day. It is only a problem if “tomorrow never comes” or if I choose to defer the wrong things.
So I think about “time management” but ew. Any kind of management is like the boss standing over you with a clipboard and a stopwatch telling you to do this first instead of that even if it doesn’t make sense.
What seems to work is when I recognize that “Procrastination” is actually “Creating Space In My Day so I can Do What’s Important”. Important To Me. Taking the clipboard from the manager (I like a clipboard myself) and giving the stopwatch to the little monster that likes to see how long things last. It can time the commercial breaks on the radio.
If I Make Space, things that need to get done do get done. When I try to do the things I “should” do, they don’t. The more things I’m told I should do or have to do, the more I procrastinate, ahem, try to make space. I’m probably being a little bit rebellious. No one is going to tell me what to do, not even me!
Hellooooooooooooooo!
Loving the re-writing of procrastination into Making Space.
Making Space for following the fox around the video game and the rabbit holes!
Also loving tvtropes!
On tragic endings – Zoolander anyone?
and the “tragic freak gasoline fight accident”
@Leela, this is how a lot of people of MY religion (or lack thereof) feel about “god” too!
Me included.
Whenever confronted with “god language” in a group or book or whatever, I race around in my head a LOT, redefining for myself to make it tolerable.
It can be wearing, but I love that we CAN do this. Thanks to Havi for the reminder. 🙂
I loved orange pandas eating scrumptious ice cream.
I like how you think Havi.
I’m so fascinated by neuroscience and this whole way of looking at the brain and changing it.
Thank you for doing what you do. Just coming to the playground has been a highlight. I want to play and have had a stern dictator in my mind whipping me to work so much.
Looking forward to seeing what unfolds.
Have you heard of that woman who lost her beloved co-worker – more of a sister really – in a tragic avalanche of un-checked to-do lists? It took 8 weeks to dig her out! The woman is now awful to work with, what with all the checking if all items on to do lists are checked, but bless her heart.
And then there is this friend of my father’s nextdoor neighbour’s son. He is always terribly late for any appointment. I believe he’s now 127 days late for just showing up for work. It turns out that his fiancée passed away after a truly tragic accident with a punch clock. He hasn’t been the same since.
*needed the LOLz, thanks!*
My daughter loves the TV Tropes site — and really, what a fabulous playground for a budding writer!
Oh, let’s see. The word responsible just popped into my head as a word that could use some re-creation, so let me start unpacking and see what I can find.
Starting with negative associations:
-heavy
-burden
-overwhelming
-pressure
-need to do it perfectly
-borr-rring!
-scary
Anything positive?
+trustworthy
+honorable
+care, nurturing
+protection
+stewardship (really? I like that word? Huh. I did not know that.)
Hmm. It may take some time and thought for me to find the just-right definition of responsibility, the one that won’t make me so tense. Nurture seems promising, though, at the moment. Not “I am responsible for these tasks,” but “I am nurturing these tasks.” Less “she’s very responsible,” (YAWN!) and more “she’s very nurturing.” Softens the edges, in a way that feels very reassuring.
Thanks for this powerful and inspiring reminder that we have the power to shape our words and our world!
@Melissa: yes!
What’s funny/interesting is that this same faith, and in part the practice of metaphor-mousing, is what has helped me make space in my heart for all the tragic-ice-cream-incident people in my life.
Also, I wonder this: is it ever too much making-of-space?
You know, where you turn into a doormat?
i love this so much… thanks for the fun and direct reminder.
@Leela – I’m piping in because I has thoughts on that question and am opinionated and talk too much. Ahem. (Hope that’s okay).
YES. Making too much room in your day-to-day life for someone to act out their stuff on you, as damaged or blind or stubborn or just plain terrified as they may be, can be a form of self-violence.
I believe, no I know from bitter experience, that if you end up being dishonest with yourself about what you need in terms of not having your space, safety and boundaries breached (by their blind/misguided/wrong words or actions) you end up snapping. Or finding seriously extremely uncool maladaptive coping techniques to delay the snapping. But in the end: SNAP.
And so you end up wiping them out anyway and there is pain all around and you realise that you should have acknowledged and honoured your boundaries in the first place and any pain associated with that would have been cleaner and better and less violent and more respectful and just better.
Because then ever after you have to live with your maladaptive coping techniques and the snap on your report card. And learn to be okay with being that person you’d rather not be.
And really, I believe it comes down to knowing when to bow out of a fight graciously and leave other people to their own understandings, perceptions and choices, even when I KNOW they’re getting it wrong and that grieves me. My grief is my stuff, not their understandings, perceptions or choices.
Even if the consequences of defining and defending your boundaries are super scary and confronting. Much better to keep it simple and honour them. Fudge it too much (oh I can cope with that, I can understand them and love them and wear those boundary breaches because they DIDN’T MEAN IT) and everything gets very murky and in the end it’s not sustainable.
Make it simple to last your whole life long.
(Yes, everything I know about life I (could have) learned from Karen Carpenter….)
Geez, do you think your question might have hit a tender spot for me?!?!? It probably makes no sense whatsoever but it was good to reiterate it to myself anyway!!!
Good wishes to you in finding your own answer.
xoxo
I think what I was trying to say was:
Yes, make space in your heart. It helps so much.
But you don’t have to make more space in your life than you can honestly deal with. Making more space than that is self-violence and contravenes the call to love.
IMHO. xoxo
My dad used to say “time for the blanket show!” When it was time to go to bed. I’d forgotten about that until I read this post! Somehow “the blanket show” hinted at adventure and glamor for me…