Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
I have to tell you something funny.
Last week I wanted to put in an Very Personal Ad about rewriting the Rally (Rally!) page. And didn’t.
Mainly because I knew there wouldn’t be time to work on it, so why bother asking for something that wasn’t going to happen.
But then last night I was hit with a post-shivanautical crazed rush of inspiration and flow. So I rewrote the page. Thank you, silent VPA!
Okay! Onward to this week.
Thing 1: More walking. And different walking.
Here’s what I want:
I have been exploring bits and pieces of my city that I don’t know as well. And I want more walking! And companionship and exploration.
Ways this could work:
This marvelous book I have called WALK THERE!
Maybe one of my new walking companions will want to pick a walk at random and go try it out.
There are also a bunch of ideas here, though I don’t yet have a sense of what appeals to me.
Maybe I’ll start my own walking club. For PDX Shivanauts!
Hmmm. What are the qualities behind the desire?
I wish for: [+strength] [+inspiration] [+perspective] [+moderation] [+patience] [+creativity] [+flow] [+endurance] [+equilibrium] [+discovery] [+belonging].
My commitment.
To do some more meditating and stone skipping on what this wish entails.
To do a bit of research about walks and walking groups to see what appeals to me.
To be filled with love for where I live.
Thing 2: The new pickle!
Here’s what I want:
I’m in the process of redoing the application system for my retreats and programs. Right now it’s called the Pickle Page. It’s changing.
There will also be applications for Rally (Rally!).
But I had a brilliant idea about how to do this in a way that would make it more fun and less terrifying.
And now I need to implement that idea. Ideally soon because I am in the process of brunching Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage.*
So. I need time, space and to be in the zone.
* Formerly known as the Week of Destuckification/ the Week Biggification. Better in every way.
Ways this could work:
Some Shiva Nata, of course.
This will need music. And probably a visit from metaphor mouse.
My commitment.
To stay connected to the essence: ease, play and lightness.
To remember the purpose.
To eat a pickle. And maybe a knish. This might require a knish.
Thing 3: This is a body one and a systems one
Here’s what I want:
I have about a week and a half of teaching coming up. The Shiva Nata Academy Training starts Wednesday. Then Monday is already the September Rally.
So between this Wednesday and the following Thursday, I’m practically going to be living at the Playground.
Which will be amazing and beautiful.
But it also means that I won’t get to go to my usual dance classes or do my usual tramping or any of that.
I want a plan/system/map for spending quality time with my body.
Ways this could work:
Maybe buying some audio or video downloads and doing my workout at the Playground.
More Shiva Nata and old Turkish lady yoga, of course.
There are some studios near the Playground that I could visit.
Maybe one of my friends could sit down with me and help me think this through, because it’s the sort of thing that I have trouble doing on my own. Talking it out will be useful.
My commitment.
To keep talking to my body, telling it how much I care, finding out what it needs, committing to being present.
Thing 4: the whisper brunch!
Here’s what I want:
To tell people about Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage.
Ways this could work:
I think I actually planned this out at the last Rally, so I’ll look at my notes.
But mainly this is about committing to the whispering.
My commitment.
To whisper happily. To fill up on love.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted Bobble Whatzits! And didn’t get any. But I did find out what they’re called: placecard holders. So now I can reformulate that ask.
I also wanted a tiny designated notebook for Today I experienced, and I have one. It’s pink.
Then there was a list of things I wanted for the Playground. Zero progress there. My sense is that I need to talk more about what these items mean and put out a clear request. Will try that next week.
Then I wanted rituals for Morning Begins At Night. Still working on this one.
And I wanted love stories for the Great Ducking Out, and didn’t get any. But Shiva Nata gave me the best idea ever for how to go about doing this, so that’s cool.
Interesting. In my head I had already decided that last week’s asks were all flops and needed to be re-asked. But actually there was quite a lot of progress. Yay, VPAs!
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
Things that are welcome! Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
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AHHH! I’M RALLYING THANKSGIVING 2011!!
The whole IMPENDING APPLICATION SYSTEM thing freaked me out and I just did it. Phew. Kind of terrified. and elated. bubbling crazy anxious thoughts about how I’m going to break the news to the husband. Okay, I’m mainly kind of terrified. Time for emergency calmification? Ahh this is going to be good, right?
Yeah, that’s my Gwish. To feel okay and happy and sparkly and awesome about the impending Rally. I mean, I DO feel that way but I just want to feel that, minus the monster voices.
I love Havi! And all Havi’s people, Shivanauts and Rallyers and Duck-Fanciers and on and on!
I love the qualities behind Havi’s walks, and that she remembers they are the things she is really after. I love that you can suss out these things and make your life more of what you want it.
I also love Portland. I wish I could live there and in L.A. simultaneously. Then Havi could also walk with my friend Alissa Walker, the walkingest person I know (and, like Havi, full of life and inspiration.)
AND I LOVE VPAs!!!!! I put one in for getting 50-for-50 done, and IT WORKS, PEOPLE.
So now I’m going to make this public here first, for the best juju:
What I want: To somehow get the take up to cover WriteGirl for their entire upcoming programming year.
Ways this could work: People keep on telling people, and our web reaches much wider. Someone spreads our word to the MSM (that’s “mainstream media”, didja know?) and our “web” reaches out to the non-web world. Gotta be lots of TV-watchers who’d want to support this, right? Someone mentions this to their right wealthy and connected friends, who deem this a cause worth matching. MATCHING FUNDS, FTW!
What I intend to do: Everything I’m already doing (writing, posting interviews, videos, Twitter bar, etc.). And I will open the door wider, so other people know their ideas are not only welcome, but necessary. (Ideas, mind you, not advices, which, like Havi, I’m not so much with.) And I think I should fold Nei Kung and walking back into the physical schedule. And I will take a BRIEF break today, and one next week, so I can keep doing this. Okay. OUT. Thank you!!!!
De-lurking! 🙂
What I want: I want to sell more of my services — editing, helping people brainstorm their novels, helping people write query letters & synopses, and promoting their books.
I’ve been doing a lot of long-term-y stuff, but I need to compensate with short term stuff and keep things moving.
Ways this could work: I find places to list my site; I do a lot of guest posts & get more exposure; I run some kind of special or something…?
My commitment: I’m going to submit guest posts to 5 writing sites; I’m going to ask friends to spread the word; I’m going to fractal flower my house, clearing things and getting ready for short term kazam. 🙂
Thanks, guys!
VPA time 🙂
It always makes me smile.
Thing 1: WRITING
A long extended VPA & week preparation & writing time @ my favorite sushi place in a little bit. I already know it can work!
Thing 2: WORK FLOW
A week that flows like a rally.
There has been so much pressure but I cannot work under that kind of pressure. And yet, I’d love to work.
Ways it could work – I could prepare. I could work tomorrow in a quiet empty office, which is a national free day. I could take notes of where I am. It could just happen.
Thing 3: NON SUCKY MEETING
A non-sucky meeting with my supervisor.
Ways it could work – absolutely zero ideas. All of them have been terrible recently with a lot of accusations and triggering of me and me feeling inadequate. Perhaps I wave a magic wand or something.
My commitment: to focus on the good. To do what I can.
Thing 4: REAL RALLY
Participating in a real rally.
That feels like an insane wish since I live on a different continent. But it just seems like SO MUCH FUN.
I kind of like the idea of an application. And also of joining one marvelous week at the end/middle of the year/ after the PhD is over as a transition ritual. Something like that.
Ways it could work: I could think about the essence of what I want. I could see if there are feasible rally-like-ish events in the neighborhood. I could see about the feasibility of flights & seeing friends in the US and then also joining a secret rally of some sort in 2012 :).
Best wishes all around!
This week the first ever VPA I wrote, concerning the perfect purse, was fulfilled. So much perfectness and liking and spaciousness. <3
THING 1:
My therapist is on vacation the next three weeks. What I want is to work those sessions on my own. She is a great facilitator and I'm afraid that I won't be able to get going on my own.
What I want to try is recreating the setting. Maybe actually walk to an appointment. I could also write down the essence of what these appointments mean to me.
I commit to experimenting and not needing to do it perfect the first time around, or the second, or the third.
THING 2:
I'm in a lot of conflict with a person that is emotionally and physically very close. I have a sense that it is the physical closeness that is creating the problem. So I want to explore my relationship to space, spaciousness and closeness.
Shiva Nata and a hot cup of tea might work. Or I could interview women who have made different decisions concerning their physical space.
I commit to respecting my needs and self and that of the close person.
I Hope everyone has a fantastic week.
Oh! I have her Portland Hill Walks book! I did not know she had other walking books. I’ve only done one of the Hill Walks so far but it was really lovely.
I just wrote the biggest VPA of my existence. It’s written down in my filofax, and my hands are actually shaking now and my tummy has a thousand butterflies fluttering inside. It’s with the universe now to organise the building blocks the way i need them to be, while i honor my commitment towards this.
deep breath.
I want: to bring Shiva Nata to Sweden.
Ways this could work: I could raise the funds for teacher training by doing some kind of events. I could find other local Shivanauts and we could come up with some way of supporting each other.
My commitment: To keep doing shiva nata and stay alert for when the ideas get more specific.
I also want: to hire someone to illustrate my website & products.
Ways this could work: I’m leaning “hire a student”. I could try a few sketches myself, too – I used to draw. Maybe artist-me is hoping for me to find her?
My commitment: To draw something and see if I like my style.
VPA time!
yay.
Thing one: to get to .Crossing the Line. I know in my heart of hearts this is where I need to be, not Rally at the moment, not teacher training, but .Crossing the Line. This is a gwish. Because concrete plans can go awry and I have lots of things in line ahead of it, but really. I know I need to be there. Gwish: for magic.
Thing two: MASSAGE CLIENTS. Because I give really good massages (I have kickass training and they teach a pretty unique system) and there are people waiting and waiting for bodywork because they don’t know I’m here or…why? I don’t know. So my VPA is that the right clients will find that it is the right time and place to book a session with me.
WTCW: I could do something to get attention. I could call old clients and see if they forgot over the summer. I could think of more people and places to put out my encouragement. I could make sure that some of the booked people know I’m here.
My commitment: to listen. to talk about my practice. to do SOMETHING else, at least one something.
Thing three: a couple of right coaching clients. I have some openings coming up from previous clients completing (YAY!) and so I am ready for some new ones. I have changed my offerings to make them simpler and in some cases less intimidating.
WTCW: I could tweet/Facebook/post about my openings. I could email my list about them. I could make sure people know.
My commitment: to spread the word. to be willing to be surprised. to think big and bigger.
thing four: the dear sweet house, sold, to the right people.
this is a gwish. It requires magic.
thank you! thatisall.
Holy cow, I’m going to be at the training this week. THIS WEEK. Oh Havi….I will be walking your way very soon. Probably literally too–the extent of my transportation plans in Portland are “everyone says the public transportation is great!”
I need to know what I need and I need it to happen easily and sweetly. I need flow and I need a good week!
I also need a house elf or a brownie or a magical fairy or a freaking alien to organize my house while I’m gone.
And I want to be in the good place…there are a lot of ghosts that come around when I’m in the good place…so I’d like to honor and deal with them kindly and in a resolution sort of way and STAY in the good place while it’s its time.
xoxo, see you soon!
VPA-day! Hallo.
@Havi – perhaps you could brainstorm with the shivanauts/rallians? maybe intend it in the shivanata or just open the floor to ideas from those attending? That way everyone could learn how to best connect to themselves in not-quite-used-to-this spaces? Just an idea. x
Last Time:
– I wanted flow for the week… annnnd I got it all on friday. Oh well, that’ll do.
– blogpost help – i wrote a whole new one to fit this weekend.
Many thanks for answered VPAs 😀
Thing 1: Novel-writing Zone
Here’s what I want:
I have two weeks left to work on my two novels.. yet i’m struggling to get in the zone/write/like ym writing/order the scenes/fill plotholes.. which has been the case for about 4 months.. so I’m asking for a gap of clarity over what’s not working, where to continue working, etc.
Ways this could work:
-Shivanata with intention of finding the block?
-Go for a darned walk! get fresh air!
-Plan it out on paper with colours etc?
My commitment.
To listen to myself.
To give it space/time if need be.
To switch projects if I’m struggling.
Thing 2: Get Out Of The House
Here’s what I want:
Being here is good – I get 10 hours a day to myself for 5 days a week; I live near a lake with forest and there are three playgrounds with swingsets on them.
yet, town is 45 minutes walk away and I have issues with the area – it reminds me of a time when I wasn’t strong and being back here makes me feel instantly vulnerable.
I need to cash my cheques before the 3-weeks time limit runs out [i.e. tomorrow], and buy some stuff for a friend…
I want this to not keep me up tonight, and to be full of flow and ease and calm tomorrow.
Ways this could work:
-Shivanata, force fields and energy work
-Positive/strengthening music on my ipod
-Take water, dress well and do makeup to feel confident
-Weave a positive story about the landmarks walking to and from town? begin to make new associations?
My commitment.
To be gentle with myself.
To chant and visualise energy.
To stop behind B&Q in that little glade to get my barings before facing the bustle of town.
To buy myself pick’n’mix and to spend a minute looking in the petshop window at the cute bunnies as a well-done.
Hmm, last week I wanted some space to get to know a boy better. That didn’t really happen. He wasn’t around. And I am not sure if I like him.
What I would like would be for the bits of my brain that are so good at other things to be better at this stuff. Or the bits of my heart that are not good at this stuff to get better at it.
I also wanted to move my body more and notice what was going in it. That has worked. My body wanted to bicycle very fast thing morning, and then it wanted to kayak and then nap. And I let it do all those things and it was happy. I want to keep listening to my body. Really listening to the underneath part (not the loud surface part that often says “I’m hungry and sleepy”. The underneath part that says “I’m lonely and want to move but I’m nervous.”)
What else I want:
To notice. To let someone in.
It has been a really rough few weeks for me, but right now I am with the human being who loves and appreciates me the most in the world so I’m feeling supported while I put forth these VPAs.
Thing #1:
For the human being who loves and appreciates me the most in the world to move in with me before the end of the year.
We don’t have the money to do this, though we’re working on it. It’s a huge time commitment, as well, since he’s lived in his current apartment for YEARS.
Ways This Could Work:
I could get a new job. He could get fantastic commissions for the next few months. We could get support from his roommate to do this in stages.
My Commitment:
To make appropriate space and room for another person in my living space, to invite him in. To make space for my stepkittens, as well.
Thing #2
New Job. OMG new job. But not for another 6 weeks.
I had left a very secure yet deeply stressful and underpaid job for a new job, with cool people, higher title, and more pay… but? The promised health insurance did not materialize.
However, I really, really like the person who owns the company, & she’s out on medical leave, so I want it to be something I can get a week after she comes back full time.
Ways This Could Work:
I could call upon my old job mojo and see what comes out of the bag. I could network wildly. I could target specific companies I’m interested in.
My Commitment:
To keep my eyes open. To keep searching. To think of new ways to portray what I do and how I do it. To do Shiva Nata with this in mind.
Thing #3:
Finish 3 pieces of writing before the end of the year.
I haven’t been writing at all this year, and it is a bone-deep ache that hits me every time I give myself time to think. It’s causing all sorts of disruption in my life, and I’m really tired of being too tired to focus.
Ways This Could Work:
I could make myself a “half-day-off-to-write” timeslice. I could join a writing group. I could give my monsters time-outs in the corner and take those 10 minutes to scribble.
My Commitment:
To spend the next week devoting some time to identifying timeslices that could work. I will also reread my old stuff yet again to give myself the impetus. And I will re-establish an old ritual for Sept 21st.
I am so scared that September is here, but at the same time I’m really excited to see what the autumn holds. While the summer held no writing, it did hold a lot of gorgeous loving moments….including teaching my poor, newly-blind dog the difference between right and left. 😉
Love and luck to you all!
I have a wonderful source for wig heads.
Just have to remember it, as it’s been a while.
Depending on the kind of holders you want, I may be able to help out there too.
Have a whole bunch of kyool flower ones.
Bought them to hold cards for my jewelry pieces at shows, but since we aren’t doing any more offline shows….
Anyhoo, if they sound like Something Useful, let me know & I can get them to you.
Or pics if you’d like to make sure first. :>
Okay. I have real VPAs now. (I’m posting twice today but, amnesty, right?)
Thing #1.
What I need: Magic. Seriously, I need something like magical signs to show me that this crazy thing I’m dreaming of right now isn’t going to be another one of my failed embarrassing wild dreams that don’t survive the first month of incubation and burn out. Some magic sign that’s going to make me feel like “YES!!”
How this could work: i have no freaking idea. That’s why it’s magic.
My commitment: To keep my eyes peeled. To notice everything. To keep wishing intently but not obessively, hope-filled-ly but not with preconceived ideas about what this magic might look like.
Thing #2.
What I need: new awesome friends. (Dear Universe, I am in no way complaining about my current friends. They are fantasmic times a million. Thanks for that, by the way. But I need equally fantasmic friends, but with way different superpowers. I know, it’s a tall order, but you’ve come through for me before.) I need friends who are on exactly the same wavelength as me regarding my crazy dream-related stuff. Those who will ‘get’ it without me having to, like, explain it. Friends of different age groups might be awesome. Different stages of life. Different life histories. Would be great.
How this could work; ugh, I don’t know. maybe through the internets? maybe I’ll meet someone cool at yoga? I certainly don’t have the time or energy to, like, consciously try very hard to make this happen, so I’m gonna have to leave it up to the magic thing again.
My commitment: To trust.
Thing #3.
What I need: for the first week of my last semester of grad school to go without me drowning in old stuck patterns of extreme insecurity and overwhelm. or feeling like I need to be doing twenty billion things that other people are doing. feel okay that I don’t have some consulting job with a WAY-TOO-HIGH-SALARY lined up. feel okay that I wasn’t, like, in Bangladesh all summer saving the world.
How this could work & my commitment: to notice. to allow myself to take the time and whatever else I might need to remind me that I’m no longer in that place, that I could bring myself back to the present. to take mental health days. or mental health mornings. Nothing happens unless I feel protected and safe and loved and happy. I go to yoga.
WIW: The process that I’m processing for moving my boxes labelled “Stuff” and “Nonsense” into their new homes and all the stuff and nonsense that needs to be un-dis-organised to happen with fluidity and ease. And snacks.
How: Music! And musing (possibly in the bath). Careful management (magement!) of energy and decision-foo levels.
I’ll: Have a bath. Put the radio or or dig out some funky CD’s. Try to remind myself I don’t have to do it all at once right away today. Though that would be nice, I am looking forward to it Being Done.
The other thing I’m whispering about: Stock and a website and knowing what I need. Less Hiding Under a Rock, or maybe being ok with the hiding for a little while longer.
How: Magic elves in the middle of the night. Sort out all the stuffs and nonsenses above, then take my new zone for a spin, see how it goes.
Committing to: Not giving up. Taking it slllloooowwwwwwlly. Unless I don’t want to. Tasty, tasty snacks.
Totally invoking the amnestayyyyy. Labor Day, you messed me up–in an awesome, got-to-see-thousands-of-people-grooving-to-Soul-Train-classics-outside glorious way.
In random order:
(1) I want: to write the best application letter I can write for The Dream Job I Have Wanted Since I Was a Student, and for the result to be the right thing, whether that means getting it or staying at my awesome current job.
How this can happen:
Friends’ comments on my letters could make it amazing.
I could finally have enough experience to get my foot in the door.
My former boss in the adjacent department’s name on the letter could do some magic.
The letter can perfectly address my philosophy of editing, answer the questions they want answered, and demonstrate my ear for language.
(I guess…I can be not ready yet and that’s fine.)
My commitment:
To write my heart out.
To be happy with what I’ve got.
To not be convinced that I’m “jinxing” it by considering the cons of the would-be job.
To remind myself that I’m still young and will have many chances. (Wow, just saying “many” felt really presumptuous but also spacious and amazing!)
(2) RE-ASK! To get my act together about school.
How?
By scheduling time for it. A lot of time.
By coming up with the right system for note-taking, be that digital or hole-punched, and committing to it.
My commitment:
To work on really accepting that the structure of my time is now VERY DIFFERENT.
To go to awesome coffee shops so it is special and fun.
To block off blocks of time on the calendar so I take it seriously.
(3) I want: to get my eating/exercising biz together. To lose weight.
How?
I can schedule gym time.
I can look into my resistance to scheduling gym time.
I can experiment with alternate answers for my sugar cravings…(UGH)
I can be motivated by knowing I will see people from high school in a month (but…am already stuck about how I won’t have lost “enough” weight to be impressive so why bother?)
I can do pilates with the friend who offered to do it with me. Except will we? And also where would we do it? And it won’t be as awesome as The Most Awesome Class Ever.
I can…somehow find money for pilates classes, except that I’m also supposed to be finding money for extra loan payments. That won’t work.
I can figure out some magical way of making this fun and also not being a total can’t-even-get-off-the-ground perfectionist about it.
DEAR LORD! THE MONSTERY STUCK! it is terrible.
My commitment:
To have a chat with the stuck? And the impatience? And the oh-my-god-please-don’t-take-my-sugar monsters.
To think about a reasonable and/or slow start to getting back in shape, instead of telling myself that if I ever want to lose weight I’ll have to spend 2 hours every day at the gym like I did when I was a teenager. Because that is just not going to happen right now.
To let this one sit because I am definitely in super negative territory about it. Uuuuuuugh!
OK, last week:
(1) and (3) worked–seeing friends, feeling sane, and enjoying lovely hobbies like the piano were easy to do. (2) and (4), though–getting ready for work the night before and making time for school–failtown! Well, summer “vacation” is over now, so maybe the cool weather will get me on track?
Best of luck to all.