Yesterday I told you a long and complicated but also awesome story about a perfect simple solution.
And there were other things I wanted to tell you about perfect simple solutions and resolutions but I didn’t get around to any of it.
But really the main thing we should always be talking about is:
How do you set things up so that perfect simple solutions can show up?
And/or:
How to bring more of this mindful, creative, curious and playful approach* into daily life so we can get better at recognizing the perfect simple solutions that are already there…
* This approach = the stuff we talk about here. And work on indirectly + directly at Rally (Rally!).
So. Getting to perfect simple solutions.
Well, getting to them more easily.
Starting with a number of practices that I find crazy useful. In no particular order.
Try what appeals to you. Adapt as necessary. Discard what isn’t for you.
Twelve things you could try.
1. Ask for them. Regularly.
A regular practice of Very Personal Ads is a great way to get clarity on what you actually want.
(That is to say, what the real desires are that are hiding behind the perceived want).
It’s also a useful way to find out which parts of you are opposed to asking, to receiving support, to things working out. Resistance sucks, but at least you know where it’s coming from and what it has to say.
You’re learning more about your relationship with wanting these solutions, and that’s part of the solution too.
You could also do the asking in the style of Hello, Day. Except it would be Hello, Perfect Simple Solution.
2. Find the essence.
You could try setting aside designated time for examining the qualities and essence of what you want.
For example, I’m currently looking for a perfect simple solution to a semi-challenging something happening in my business.
What do I want from this solution?
Lightness. Relief. Sovereignty. For both sides to feel heard. Appreciation. Simplicity. Sustainability. Trust. Belonging.
So once I know that, I can mess around with bringing more of these qualities into how I want to approach the situation.
3. Ask the magic wand question.
The magic wand question solves all sorts of things, because it tells you what kind of a perfect simple solution you’re receptive to.
If I could wave a magic wand and solve this, would you take it?
Yes-but!
Yes-but I would want to know that this person would not resent me.
Yes-but I would want to know that I had expressed myself clearly.
That’s information I can use.
4. A love letter is a helpful thing.
You could write a love letter to the perfect simple solution.
Tell it what you know about it, what you want from it, what you’re working on.
5. More Shiva Nata, of course.
Maybe start with some Flip-its. Get creative.
And make sure you’re messing up! Mistakes = yay!
6. Ask more questions.
Do some stone skipping.
What would bring more simplicity into this solution? What am I not seeing or remembering? If this could happen with more ease, what might that look like?
7. Exit as well as enter.
For example, you might do a Spangly Revue of what is working, as well as what you might try for next time.
Or imagine that you already have the perfect simple solution. What has changed? How are you feeling/thinking/walking/breathing given this new development?
8. Interact with the (totally legitimate) disbelief that a perfect simple solution exists.
You could talk with the monsters and walls.
Negotiate with the scared parts of you who are in resistance to the idea that perfect simple solutions could be available. Tell them about how Now Is Not Then.
9. Safe rooms!
Try making safe rooms for the parts of you who are still grieving over situations where they were not able to access perfect simple solutions or resolutions.
Acknowledge their pain. Find out how you can comfort them.
10. Talk to the version of you who has already figured this out.
Ask Slightly Future You what he/she knows about resolving this particular challenge.
11. Use a proxy!
If the situation needing a solution is complicated or painful, it might be helpful to invent a proxy to stand-in for the real thing that needs resolving.
12. Art of the OOD.
Use the OOD.
Make the perfect simple solution your Object of Desire.
Then solve for X.
As always, the important thing is not the techniques.
It’s about the approach.
People vary. What works for one person might not be your thing.
But the approach — being conscious, curious, playful, inquisitive, receptive and asking compassionate questions — will be the same. Try things!
You may have other stuff that works for you. And you’ll also probably discover new techniques or adapt these or invent your own.
And you’ll do it with curiosity, play, exploration, and a loving investigation of what you need.
I was going to give a bunch of examples for each of these, but then I remembered that you guys can do this on your own.
So let’s start coming up with examples and playing with the patterns.
Usual blanket-fort comment zen applies:
We all have our stuff. We let other people have their stuff. We take responsibility for our experience. We don’t tell each other what to do or how to feel. We remember that people vary. We’re here to play.
Love to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.
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I want to know that everythign that needs to be done is getting done, even if I’m not doing it.
That means, the kids fed, their hoemwork done, their rooms clean, the living room picked up before bedtime. Even if I don’t take care of it msyelf.
I want not to spend 4 hours aftre I come from work doing dishes, making dinner, doing homework, skipping my own dinner.
I want to have the kids taken care of, and me taken care of, and be able to make progress on my writing and business projects after work, ebcause I have the energy and bandwidth.
I’d liek to be sovereign enough that I do not give a shit about what doesn’t count. And I;’d like to e immune to my husband’s bullshit.
I’m open to solutions here, big or small.
I’ve been having issues with safe rooms and my younger, hurt, angsty self this week. (She said something like this: “It’s just so great you have all this for me NOW. But I needed it THEN. What choice did I have? You really think you can undo this injustice with psycho-bullshit like that?”) In fact, I’m having issues with my younger selves all the time, afraid that, on my upcoming blog, I will speak out of revenge/schadenfreude instead of compassion and genuinely wanting to help.
I remembered how you once said that sometimes the pain is so huge that you cannot separate from it and interact with it. Let alone curiously, playfully, compassionately. I wonder: how can I tell when this is the case and when I am just trying to use a technique not fit for the particular situation? Or maybe I am just being impatient and trying to _force_ a simple solution here, when force and rushing up things is obviously not the right answer?
I practice an informal variation on VPAs – typically one-liners inserted randomly in my daily journal. I think it’s important to put it into words – either by saying it out loud or writing it out. Typing is ok, too (but writing them out by hand feels so…luxurious!).
Often, Surrender works for me. With the capital ‘S’. In the early stages of my work on a project, there will be something I cling to. No matter what else I manipulate, it stays, and I struggle with arriving at the elegant solution. I’m amazed at how many times I’ve Surrendered the clingy thing, and then BAM, there’s a strange little recalculation that happens and I have a solution.
I think the Surrender works because clinging is a way of filtering and shutting out possibility. When I let go of the clingy thing, my mind is more open and I’m curious again.
It’s not easy…and I suppose I would be suspicious of the result if it were easy to come by. Hmmm….
Hi Johanka, I’ve been having issues with angry younger self popping up lately too. When I try to talk to her she just runs away. Still* working on this. maybe this is a place for the negotiator? But for me when I bring in the negotiator she vanished (once sad past self appeared, but then the phone rang and mood change, moment was lost). Point being good luck and I’ll pop back in or blog it when I have sthg that works, and maybe one of us will find that solution or maybe we’ll both have our own solution.
Also, unrelated to comment to Johanka… I would like a simple perfect solution to telling my grandma that I am going back to grad school next year and not have her explode. Direct confrontation and direct information doesn’t seem to be her thing. She tends to mention things in passing and then you go – wait what now? I want to be 100% honest with her, but part of me thinks that she might react better to a “and i was doing x,y, and z, then I went to work on grad school app essay. then this then that.”
*somehow first version of still became stukk thanks to my hand sliding over one key, i thought this was appropriate as i was discussing my stuck-ness 🙂
** apologies for the long comment 🙂
I asked for some perfect simple solutions yesterday when I was journaling after Shiva Nata and discovered that most of the things I was already planning to do *were* perfect simple solutions for other problems, only I just didn’t realize it. It was so interesting and enlightening, and I wonder where else I am doing that, or can do that. It kind of makes me trust myself more, because clearly there is a method to my madness and reasons for what I do, even if I don’t always recognize them.
Havi, thank you for this. I know these techniques but don’t always think of trying them.
Besides what Andrea said about Surrender, here are a few other things that sometimes work for me:
Using the dictionary and thesaurus to define terms, e.g. “perfect” can mean complete rather than flawless.
Creating an analogy / finding an analogous experience.
Sitting in a different place — the other side of the desk, for instance, or the other side of the fireplace.
Ironing clothes. When I smooth out the wrinkles in what I wear, I seem to smooth out the wrinkles in other areas of my life too.
Working with my sad scared angry selves sometimes requires a proxy… like writing a story. Or reading one. When I was about nine, I “invented” bibliotherapy. Or gathering information and background for a story or project that relates to my sad/scared/anger.
Magic Wand exercize online!!
If a fairy godmother were to wave the magic wand and give me a finished PhD today! Would I take it ?
Me: pretty much, yes.
FG: what does it mean when you say ‘pretty much’?
Me: if i had my phd in my hand right now, what would i dooooo?
FG: so what would you want to come along with the finished PhD ?
Me: a sense of where i want to work next. a sense of having had fun with it. a sense of wonder when i look at the papers and of happiness with how it turned out.
This might mean,
now is a time to spend some time with myself, think about and write about my work, enjoy what i am doing. now is also a time to work on feeling more comfortable looking for a post-phd activity.
happy!
and happy wishes to everyone!