This is a big one.
I know we’ve had some kind of painful Ask Havi posts recently. In fact, more than one person has said that this blog has consistently made them cry over the past few weeks.
So apologies in advance. This is a hard question, beautifully asked. And it’s an important answer. I’m going to do my best.
Please keep in mind: this is not a complete answer. I’m sharing with you the parts that I believe could be most useful to you in your own practice.
Love to everyone on this Christmas Day (or Shenanigans Day as some of us are calling it — see the comments of yesterday’s post if this makes no sense).
A question
Hi Havi,
I’m nowhere near as eloquent as many of the people who read your blog and send you awesomely written stuff but I’m hoping this will catch your attention. If only because I am stuck beyond stuck. I am stuck squared.
With the Dance of Shiva practice and reading a lot of great blogs, I’ve been discovering a lot, but at this point I feel like I’ve dug a deeper hole and no one is around to help me out. And I just don’t have the energy, motivation or feeling that I can do it on my own.
I’ve figured out that I am very very lonely. And that many of the things I’ve done and decisions I’ve made in my life were rooted in this loneliness and trying to make it go away.
The guilt I feel for some of the things I did is always there, like plastic wrap all over my body that is making it hard for me to breathe. But most of the time, I pretend it’s not there.
The thing is, I didn’t do anything really bad, I don’t feel like a bad person but that I affected people – maybe in the wrong way – all to make myself feel better, less lonely.
You see, I don’t remember a whole lot from my childhood and what I do remember is vague and brings up a lot of yuckiness, extreme feelings of loneliness. Then I find myself saying “come on, others had it way worse than you – don’t be a victim and get over yourself already“.
I know this is a pattern and I need to be okay with where I am but ugh…stuck.
So, what I’m wondering is whether or not I need to remember stuff from my past to understand the patterns. Can we figure stuff out without really knowing what we went through exactly?
My mother told me something that happened when I was very young and I have no recollection of it at all, and it was pretty bad. She says that I don’t remember much of my childhood because I’m blocking it out, that it would be too hard for me to handle. It’s not like I was in the worst situation or anything but I just never felt I had anyone to comfort me to be there for me.
I’m afraid that if I try to remember, I will do irreparable harm to my relationship with her but I also want to move forward.
Thanks so much for your help with everything and for deciding to put yourself out there for all of us.
And an answer
Hi sweetie.
First of all, big hug. Safety and solace and connection to you.
It sounds like you’ve got a lot to deal with right now. I’m hearing that you’re feeling a lot of pain and a lot of fear about where interacting with it could lead.
There are really two questions here. (Well, there are more than two, but there are two I can try to answer right now.)
One is “should I try to remember the fear and pain?”
The other is “should I try to understand the fear and pain?”
These are two different things so let’s take them one at a time.
First question: Should I try to remember the fear and pain?
No. Definitely not.
I want to say this twice — at least — because it’s so important.
You do not need to remember the pain in order to heal.
You do not need to remember the pain in order to heal. This is a huge misconception.
You could have total amnesia and could still work on yourself and your patterns to the point that you’d be able to resolve your present moment stucknesses.
Without ever necessarily remembering what happened.
It is not vital that you remember it. It might happen at some point as a result of part of the healing process, but it is not necessary that this happen.
You already have the tools you need.
What’s important is that you have the tools you need right now to work on your stuff. You may not always feel like you’re able to access them, but they’re there.
You have many gifts and strengths right now, and one of the most important ones is the power of observation.
You can learn and practice the ability to gain a little distance from your pain by — paradoxically — allowing it to be there.*
You have the ability to journal and document your thoughts and feelings, to observe what triggers you and what comforts you.
You have the ability to practice being kinder to yourself. To notice which patterns are self-destructive and to remind yourself that you won’t always have these patterns.
You have the ability to give yourself permission to not remember and to not have to remember.
I’m not advocating that you try and repress it — god forbid. Just that you release any shoulds that say you need to relive it.
If a memory comes up on its own, this could be a healing experience. But you can absolutely heal without having to go back into the pain.
*These concept of getting closer to yourself through moving away from the pain, and moving away from the pain by giving it permission to be there … this is something I’ve written about quite a bit. Some stuff to read:
- The step everyone skips on the way to calming the heck down
- This is your brain on patterns
- More ways to work on your patterns
Second question: Should I try to understand the fear and pain?
Maybe.
If understanding the fear and pain is part of trying to treat yourself with love and understanding — and it’s something that’s possible for you, then yes.
It might well be that as part of this process of giving yourself love, you will get better at being able to relate to some of the pain and the fear.
You might end up with much more understanding for yourself, and if so, that’s great.
What I think you “should do”, if you’re asking me … is to practice being kind and patient with yourself. If you can. Not to force it.
But if you can stand to have a little more niceness in your life, to give yourself as much as you can bear.
You’ve been through some really hard stuff, and whether you remember it or not, some part of this experience is still messing with you. That means that part of your life work is to unravel some of the guilt and the pain and forgive yourself for being human.
What does this mean — to unravel the guilt and the fear and the pain?
I can only tell you what it means to me.
You may not know this but I share a lot of your history. The things I don’t remember. And the guilt over decisions made or actions taken later on that were based on related pain and fear.
What this means for me is that a huge chunk of my own self-work process is working through that pain and vulnerability. And the guilt.
Sometimes this means recognizing that hey, I’m afraid of things that other people aren’t afraid of and that’s okay.
I’m not going to let anyone else tell me that my fear isn’t reasonable. Of course it’s reasonable.
It’s reasonable because it’s mine. It may be temporary, yes. It may be something that I’m able to resolve, but if it’s real for me, it’s legitimate.
Sometimes this means allowing myself to be sad without knowing why. If I need to mourn something from my past, I can do that.
Sometimes it means recognizing that in this moment I am feeling too angry and too upset to be able practice forgiveness. In that case, I practice allowing myself to have this anger for now.
Sometimes it means recognizing that it really is time to forgive myself. And so I practice. If I can.
But I’m really patient with myself. I don’t ask myself for more than I can give. I ask for help when I need help.
And hugs when I need hugs. And for people to leave me the hell alone when I need to be alone.
One more point about the stuck.
You said, “I need to be okay with where I am but ugh…stuck.”
Aha! That is your clue, my dear.
You do not “need” to be okay with where you are. You are ALLOWED to NOT be okay with where you are. It is natural and normal that you are in resistance. Of course you’re not okay with where you are.
This resistance is creating the stuck. So agree to the resistance — to the fact that it’s there right now. You’re entitled to be in resistance. It makes sense that you have resistance.
All the other healing you need will come to you.
It will come from your decision right now that you’re ready for it to happen. It’s coming right now from you asking for what you need and agreeing that it’s time for things to start moving and shifting.
You don’t have to remember. You don’t have to do anything. Practicing being ready to accept kindness is enough. And if you’re not there yet, you’re not there yet.
It will come.
Love to you.
And to everyone reading. If you have something kind and supportive to share with the brave writer of this letter, I’d love it if you would share it here.
And a tiny postscript and some more links:
I know there’s a plug-in that recommends related posts, but here’s some other stuff I’ve written that might be really helpful for you to read:
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First of all, YOU ARE AN AWESOME AND COURAGEOUS PERSON!!!
And you are on your way to healing just by the fact that you put this out in the universe rather than let it continue to occupy storage in your heart – this is HUGE!!!!
Second, please hear this with love; the wounds of our lives are the “so whats” cause everyone – and I mean everyone – suffers something in this life. At the end of the day it’s all about what you are doing with it – today; not yesterday or tomorrow – but today – in the here and now!
You have an endless supply of choices available to you that you didn’t have as a child – what a gift! The universe is your playground – don’t waste a single minute in those memories! Give yourself permission to have fun, seek and feel joy, be shelfish, love deeply -starting with yourself, laugh hard, dance often, play play play;
For this day will never come again.
hugs;
Tammy
Tammys last blog post..And So It Begins
Oh Havi, you are so thorough.
Let me throw out 2 more related thoughts for your reader.
We’ll call it “dreams & bubbles”.
Dreams~
I have a friend that I like to discuss metaphysical ideas with. We’re always going into things like the oneness of the universe, perception of time, laws of attraction, and even string theory. I won’t bore you with it, but I’m setting up that he’s sort of far out, but smart. He said to me the other day “how do you know that memories are real?” Um, ’cause I guess I remember them? “Well, if you could get everyone in a room and interview them about a certain memory, would they all tell the same story?” No, guess not. “Let’s say you have a memory of stealing a pack of gum from the supermarket as a kid. Could you, even if you tried, gather the people shopping that day, the bagger, the cashier, the parent that took you shopping in for interviews?” No. “So is it possible that it never really happened?” Well, I would know it happened. “Are you sure?”
Ok, you get the point. Well, I didn’t at the time, but after some reflection, it got me thinking. I don’t have to live in the past, because I’m the only one that’s aware of it. I can dismiss the whole thing entirely or in parts, it’s just a story anyway. Hmm.. Interesting.
Bubbles~
I was reading some sort of Buddhist text – not sure which, or I’d give them credit. It was suggested that negative thoughts – “hooks” as it were – thoughts that drag you down into endlessly more thoughts on things that don’t make you happy – are just bubbles. You can merely look at them, acknowledge them. Think to yourself, “ah, there you are – I see you” and then gently pop the bubble with your fingertip and watch it dissolve.
Over simplified? Perhaps, but I’ve found the better solutions usually are.
Havi’s right, you don’t need to go relive things. Just consider that it’s merely a dream that only you’re aware of anyway – it may not have even happened – and then let it dissolve into what you’re doing right now.
-P
dpauls last blog post..The Other Skis
Dear one, thank you for reaching out and asking for help. Acknowledging your loneliness, guilt, and pain is the doorway to healing . . . and to connecting with your right people.
I hear how hard this is for you. Here’s my hand–hold it if it helps. And know that there is love and healing and strength and courage in your heart, as well as vulnerability and loneliness. The way in may look like a dark tunnel, but the dark can be friendly and loving, and entering into it can be the way through.
As Havi so eloquently put it: You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. When I’m feeling overwhelmed or scared and alone, I like to crawl into bed and draw my softest down quilt around me, put a hot-water bottle on my belly, my hand on my heart, and settle in for a visit and a conversation with all the voices inside myself that are clamouring to be heard. I listen, we talk, but mostly I listen. Not trying to come up with any answers, or to get anywhere, but just to connect, and be with, and hold and love all that’s in me.
Sometimes the hard stuff we carry around inside us from childhood just needs to know that it has its place in our lives. And it comes up every time we’re on the threshold of change and growth, because those are the scary times, the times when we feel most vulnerable. Meet yourself with as much love as you can, my dear . . . no shoulds about it, just loving yourself in whatever ways you can; being tender and gentle with yourself. Creating a little more spaciousness to hold all that is in you.
Much love to you.
And to you, dear Havi, for your wise words, and for making a safe space for love and healing and community to unfold.
Hiro
Hiro Bogas last blog post..Happy Thanksgiving, Baby
dear lonely one,
it really does begin with kindness. the first step on the path of yoga is ahimsa, kindness; and the dalai lama is fond of quoting the buddha and saying “my religion is kindness”.
and kindness begins with self kindness, which often begins by offering yourself the kindness of not beating yourself up for beating yourself up. you can read that again if you’d like. and just sit with that in your heart.
or not.
and whenever you feel like it, sow a few seeds of kindness for yourself. they will grow. and then seed themselves. and line the path of your life. until one foot in front of the other you find yourself in a field of kindness. filled with love. and so very very very not alone.
we love you,
the little buddhas sitting on the fluent shelf
chass last blog post..the myth of these tough economic times
Dear Asker,
My heart is with you and I send kisses and hugs too. I am with Havi on this – you do not have to remember in order to heal. Believe me – I still wish to forget some things which were scattered along my way during the past years.
There are some things I have absolutely no recollection of (like being abducted by a stray woman when I was just a baby – just for a short while). These things do not bother me in any way. I am GLAD they do not add up to the pile of my upsetting memories.
I read Havi’s blog quite religiously and one of the things I picked up is that I am – in fact – powerful. I am capable of conversing with myself and give way to myself and in the end – decide together with myself how I’m going to proceed.
Proceed, as in – from NOW onwards.
Kisses & hugs again,
Avital
Avitals last blog post..Journaling Prompt #30 – New Year’s Resolutions Series – Part 2
Dear Tender Soul:
We all send you so much love and support – and I want you to know that you are never alone in this. We are all connected to each other in my humble opinion.
When we think we’re lonely and isolated, actually there are millions of others thinking that very same thing (for maybe different reasons) so we are connected to them as well.
So, know that you’re not alone in what you’re feeling and you have lots of company in so many forms. Internet hands holding yours, hugs reflecting that they get what you’re saying, and gentle nods of our heads as we listen inside our hearts for our own version of the thoughts you’ve shared.
You have bravely touched so many of us by sharing your question with Havi – and Havi, your answer was straight from the heart. You have helped me find more compassion within myself than I ever dreamed possible.
When I was little, I always wanted my mom to sit on the curb in front of our house with me (we lived across from an elementary school with a playground) and just listen to me. I wanted her to ask questions and really be interested in what was going on with me and I wanted to swing with her on the swingset and giggle for as long as I wanted.
I was one of 4 kids and my Mom was always busy, trying to fit in another errand, garden while I was talking, move the sprinkler, answer the phone -and I never got what I really wanted from our relationship.*
I recognized the profound loneliness in those early experiences and sit with myself metaphorically on the curb frequently now – I learned to be nicer to myself from my deep experiences of loneliness. And that is a work in progress. . .
What I want for you is to feel the support around you of those of us who get it and also make space for those feelings. Be extra nice to you if you can – and see what comes next.
You’re fine and beautiful as you are and you made my day extra meaningful by sharing your self so authentically.
And Havi – well, what can I say? Heaven must have sent you from above!
(*Tangent from above: I’m now a Mom myself and could relate to the busy-ness she felt in a different way than when I was a child. I still remembered my childhood experiences though and shared them with my kids asking me to let me know if they felt the same way so I’d remember to drop what I was doing to listen! And, to their credit – they did just that. Glad I asked for the reminders)
First off, I think you should totally be celebrating getting to where you are. You’ve taken the choice to consciously deal with your stuff and that’s hard! Everyone here is totally cheering you for just getting to where you are, as well as rooting for you to keep staying conscious with yourself. To be able to say “I’ve figured out that I am very very lonely” is a BIG DEAL! A lot of people are never able to say why they feel not-quite-right. Major progress! Woohoo!
Secondly, any pain is ‘enough’ pain. It doesn’t matter how you think you compare to others, it matters only that it is affecting you. If thinking of it still causes a reaction in you, it’s worth giving it time and attention. That doesn’t mean you have to, simply that if you want to that’s enough of a reason – no-one else has to know and no-one else’s opinion on this matters.
I’ve found the Dance of Shiva stuff very strong at times, and have taken breaks to recooperate. If you’re feeling overwhelmed then I hereby give you permission to have a break for a little while and get your energies back. Equally, if you’re feeling like you’ve got too vulnerable, too exposed, too raw, too lost, too deep or really too anything, then your next step is to get comfortable. You can push on, but there’s nothing wrong with taking a few steps back and feeling good knowing that you *can* get that deep etc. and that for now, you’re going to work at a lighter, more comfortable, more integratable level.
In order to feel safe to go to places I was afraid of (and didn’t dare go to with someone else) I’ve tried a couple of different things:
* Havi’s Dissolve-o-matic audios (for really strong stuckness the longest one, 45 min, is very powerful but feels very safe). The product talks a lot about procrastination, but the audio has worked for me for looking at absolutely anything that feels like a stuckness.
* Mark Silver’s Rememberance heart meditation (info at http://www.heartofbusiness.com/the-core/) – needs sign up to a newsletter, but easy to unsubscribe if the business angle is not your interest – gets me feeling totally brim full of love and compassion for myself and got me facing my biggest, lifelong fear for the first time ever!
I’m hearing a lot of guilt in what you’ve written and I’d add to the comments above which talk about memories and say that I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of the events you’re thinking of have been forgotten by others, and a lot of the people you’re thinking of never even noticed anything in the first place. If you really want to, you could go back and apologise, but I’ve had people almost dismiss the apology because it really was insignificant to them (and they didn’t realise at the time how significant it was to me – ouch with the dismissal!)
On being okay with where you are – *not* easy. Simple, yes, but not easy. (Which is my rule of thumb for recognising wisdom). It doesn’t just switch on, it takes time to sit with where you are and acknowledge it. Which until I actually managed it just sounded stagnant and stuck and like giving up and I had to push on. One very recent lesson for me is that I need a balance of pushing forward and sitting where I am (balance being another of my rule of thumbs for wisdom). If you’re really wanting to move forwards (like I was/am) then that could well be part of the stuck. See if you can get annoyed enough with the time it’s taking you to move forwards to decide that ‘wasting’ 20 minutes just sitting with it can’t make it any worse – at least, that’s how I got to it 🙂
Finally – BIG LOVE! Sending you loads of comfort. Whatever you’re craving right now, but think is too silly/strange/selfish to give to yourself, I give you permission to go get yourself a bucket load of it!
James | Dancing Geeks last blog post..Day 9: Making a promise to myself
I don’t think I can add anything more eloquent or substantive than what Havi and the other posters have written. (I am soooo glad to have found Havi’s Place.) I don’t remember most of my childhood and have no desire to do so. It was bad. I’ve been through therapy, blah, blah, blah.
The one thing I’m finally getting, through Havi’s work and some other places, is that I *deserve* to feel good. As it looks now, this has been the single biggest issue on my path in this life….This deserving thing. It’s big. Intellectually, I can hear all the best things people can tell me but if I don’t believe, in my heart and soul, that I deserve the good, the rest is almost useless.
In case, it’s an issue for you, too, I would like to say that you, too, deserve to feel good, to be happy. You absolutely deserve the best for yourself. You deserve all these hugs and very kind words. I send you a big hug as well. I don’t ask for help so I know you are very, very courageous to write what you did.
BIG hugs.
Brave one,
I hope it is possible for you to feel in your heart all the love that is here. I mean really draw it to yourself and let yourself be comforted by it.
Many wise thoughts here already. I have only this to add from my own experience: When I’m lonely, I mean hopelessly lonely, feeling no one ever has or will be there for me, the one I’m really longing for is myself. I’ve lost some essential connection with me. When that happens, I need to turn to what nourishes, supports and empowers me. And that time is pretty much NOT the time for me to dive into the wound. In part because my view of reality is pretty skewed at that moment.
Find what comforts you. People sometimes, but for me it’s mostly inner practices, phrases in books, naps, coloring books, singing, moving-dancing in the living room, taking time to be with self (much as Hiro described above).
Once you’ve got that list, see if you can focus on giving yourself as much self care as you can fit into your schedule.
…and know that you are loved.
Mahalas last blog post..Prayer Bead Malas and Jewelry
Dear Havi and Lonely and Brave One,
Just wanted to add a couple of things to Havi’s wise and healing advice to you.
I have worked as a therapist for many years and have sat with many people who have experienced sometimes unspeakable trauma. A lot of people who have been hurt very badly as children don’t have mental memories about what happened to them. And they often struggle and TRY to remember specific things. What I eventually realized after some time was that my brave clients were trying so hard to remember details because they wanted some way of validating how bad or crazy they felt. They wanted their pain to make sense. And the only memories that have any credence in this culture are those that exist in the mind in a cognitive sense.
But the heart and the body also have their own memories and no matter what the larger culture says, those are more than enough. If you feel like your heart is broken or that your body is shaking and scared, that is all you need to know. Hearts don’t break and bodies don’t shake unless something really happened. So you can trust your feelings. You don’t need any more proof than your own living, internal experience.
Big hugs,
Chris
So, as Havi says, you don’t ever need to remember, and in fact, the feelings that you are having ARE you remembering. Even the stuck. Even the resistance. Even the yuckiness. All of it.
So there is no need to push and try to understand anymore. All that needs to happen now is the healing for the hurt. And what is healing for pain and fear and shame and loneliness is always, always, always love and kindness and sweet, sweet patience with yourself. And forgiveness. And reaching out to people, like Havi, who can help you and remind you that the most important thing you can ever do is to treat yourself with the most exquisite care. To remind you that you are a child of life and light and goodness and that means that you are valuable and worthwhile and deserving of all the good things life has to offer!
chris zydels last blog post..PAIN FREE CREATIVITY: YOU DON’T REALLY NEED TO SUFFER FOR YOUR ART
Thank you.
I just want to clarify … I’m definitely *not* recommending that we actively try to forget memories or not have anything to do with them.
There is definitely learning and healing that can happen from interacting with the past in a conscious and loving way. I’m not advocating an “oh well it happened, moving right along” sort of thing.
Just that we start shining some love and attention onto — as Chris was so wisely saying — the hurt parts. As in:
“Okay, I know I have this old stuck fear (experience, etc) and it’s causing me pain right now. Even though I don’t remember enough or anything about it, I’m ready and willing to allow myself to receive strength and help and support right now.”
Maybe you’ll remember more. Maybe you’ll never remember. But you’ll be working on building conscious, intentional patterns of kindness right now.
When I work with guilt from the past — and this might be a post of its own — the phrase that helps me most is something I took from Louise Hay:
“I was doing the best I could with the tools I had.”
Then, if my guilt says “Oh yeah? Well you still should have known better!”, I can respond with this:
“Yes, and I’m still sorry about it. It’s just that I’m recognizing that I didn’t know then what I do now. I wasn’t in a position where I was able to think about what my actions meant. I was trying to meet my needs but I didn’t know how to do that in a safe, healthy way.”
And so on. Now you’re bringing in better tools so that you’ll be better equipped to respond to pain, hurt, guilt and so on. Which is, you know, our big life … thing.
It’s what we’re all working on here.
Very powerful. More of what they said. And forgiveness. Forgive yourself for the ways you’ve been based on loneliness. Havi’s lines (in that last comment) seem like excellent ones. You don’t need others to forgive you. You don’t need to know what bad happened to forgive others. You need to forgive yourself. Including for feeling bad sometimes, even now.
Hugs.
JoVEs last blog post..Happy whatever you are celebrating