In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
This week whizzed by so quickly — for me — that I’m actually getting a bit dazed trying to remember what even happened.
The last thing I remember for sure was wearing lots of purple and sparkliness.
And a giant fluffy rainbow snake as a boa.
And then all of a sudden it was Rosh HaShana… and hello, Friday, where did you come from?
The hard stuff
Roller derby western regionals all weekend.
It was an incredibly high-stress occasion, even more than predicted (thanks to all the crazy upsets).
No sleep. No voice. And lots of general chaos and yelling.
It was VERY intense. And yes, I would do it all over again in a second. But man, that stuff takes a toll.
Distinct lack of naptime synchronization.
The times my body wanted to nap and the times available for napping did not once coincide this week.
That was kind of unfortunate.
Still feeling a bit weak and shaky.
Made it to dance class four times, but had to hide in the back and take lots of breaks.
Time.
It takes time. Sometimes I really don’t like that.
Not making progress on the thing I wanted.
Sadface mouse is me!
Working on something else instead and then getting stuck halfway.
It’s this very exciting thing that doesn’t have a name yet, and I had a rush of doing and then hit a wall, and I haven’t yet had time to talk to the wall about that.
I encountered a bully.
Actually I had already known he was a bully, through previous dealings.
But, having never met him in person, wishful-me had harbored a secret hope that his perceived aggression was somehow a misunderstanding.
That if I just met him in person, there would be context. And body language. And I’d realize he was just being brusque, not vindictive.
I love wishful-me. However, her hope was not my experience this week.
Not only a bully, but the worst kind of bully: the one who bullies both consciously and unconsciously.
Unconsciously in the sense that it’s automatic — bullying as the default response to any interaction.
And consciously in the sense that he’s very much aware he’s doing it. And he appears to enjoy it.
An unpleasant encounter, full of unspoken but very clear threat. I am ready to be done with this.
I still want a vacation.
Yes, well. There’s that.
The good stuff
Besterns! A weekend of the best derby in the world.
Six of the top seven teams. That exist. Period. All in our division.
Basically everyone who’s good at roller derby with the exception of Gotham.
It was unbelievable. Heart-stopping.
Yes, it was fun to wear fabulous boutfits, sit with my Guns N Rollers and yell. A lot.
But mainly it was fun to WIN.
Rose City ended up skating against our two biggest rivals — Bay Area and Seattle. And took them both out mercilessly. We’re going to Denver for Championships!!!!
And, amazingly, I was able to take care of myself.
As best I could. Which was good enough.
I was very selective about which bouts I went to over the weekend.
And which to watch online. I’m glad Rat City beat Denver (so we didn’t have to skate against them), and I’m glad I didn’t have to watch it in person.
There was sleep. There was tea. There were breaks. There was Entry and Exit. And general mindful loving attentiveness to what I needed.
So that’s way better than it could have been.
Fun! And friends
Yes, I’m still talking about Bridgetown Brawl. Bear with me.
Juno was here! And we hung out and giggled for half the night. Also she made me the best sticker ever, which is now going to live in my office.
Tootie was here too, even though I didn’t get to see him. I’ll see him in Denver!
Plus I got to finally meet Jess (@openlybalanced), and she’s awesome.
Sunday Parkways.
Only about an hour of it because of derby.
But a really great hour, wondering the streets of my favorite neighborhood and waving at pirates on bikes.
Entry and exits.
More time preparing for things and recovering from things.
It’s helping.
The best ideas ever.
The shivanautical realizations just keep on coming.
I am so passionate about the stuff I’m working on right now that I can hardly even stand it.
This is big, subversive stuff, and I love it.
Sun.
Mmmmmmmmm.
Even more changes at the Playground!
The Playground is looking and feeling extra-gorgeous right now.
We’ve been making crazy changes all week.
New art, new toys, new color. Lots of it.
And improvements to my Pirate Queen Quarters aka my dressing room too.
I handled my encounter with the bully much better than imagined.
I didn’t take it personally.
I didn’t cry, yell or run away.
The moment it was clear that there was no use in trying to state my case, I said goodbye and walked away.
I made separations. I processed.
This is a huge step forward from old patterns. Like hiding in bed for weeks. Or being furious, resentful and scared. And not being able to stop rehashing the conversation in my head.
Progress! Gigantic progress! I’ll take it.
Tashlich.
My favorite part of Rosh HaShana is throwing what I am done with from the past year into the river.
In the form of bread crumbs.
It is always beautiful and astonishing, and this year especially so.
Each year I play with a different form and intention, and this year’s was very shivanautical:
I am releasing the pattern of ________________.
I am releasing the need for this pattern.
I am releasing whatever ties me to this pattern.
I am ready to integrate the new elements and the new pattern.
It was one of those things that can’t be described because epiphanies are stupid, but it changed me.
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week?
Electric Blue and the Blindfolded Speed Cubers
Thanks to Marisa!
They’re playing — loudly — all week. Except you should probably know that it’s really just one guy.
Announcement time!
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
The official page for Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage! (password: haulaway). is finally here!
In the nick of time too, because there are now only FOUR spaces left in this program.
Early Brunch was supposed to end on Sept 30th but I didn’t put up the actual copy, because I spaced out and forgot about the Jewish new year. So we’re extending it until October 5.
Again, FOUR spaces left. If you haven’t read the new page (which just went up this morning), read it now. Can’t wait to cross the line with you.
PASSWORD: haulaway
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Nothing happened this week, but it still needs chickening.
The Hard
– Spent the entire week in bed sick. Or out of bed getting tea for my gentleman friend, who is also sick.
– It is still true that when I reach a certain level of sick/tiredness my only response to anything is to cry. (I keep hoping this will magically change someday and I’ll just smile serenely or something.)
– There is this thing that I’m just obsessed with in a really negative way. And I know that to go forward I need to find the safety and faith to drop the desperation. But I am not ready.
– I had to let a tiny sweet thing die because I changed too much to help it grow into something that could withstand me changing. I’m sad for it.
– I missed dance class and NVC class. Both of them!
– There is considerable drama about the fact that since I am not Jewish, any children I have will not be officially Jewish. Meaning my gentleman friend’s parents will not get Jewish grandchildren. And I wish I could tell them I’ll convert, but it would be a lie, because I won’t.
– My uncle just found out he has cancer all over inside of him. We’re not saying the word “dying,” but I’m thinking it. I’m not particularly close to this uncle, which makes the whole thing weirder.
The Good
– I may cry when I’m sick, but my gentleman friend just becomes ridiculously goofy, so whenever we’re both awake he regales me with the most nonsensical jokes about dinosaurs. And soup. And cybermen and daleks.
– Also, he totally cured my ear with woo-woo energy healing stuff. And now my ear doesn’t hurt! Yay!
– A person of some difficulty in my life went out of her way to bring us Thai food when we were dying of hunger and too sick to leave the house. I’m happy to have a reason to thank her.
– I’m teaching a Shiva Nata class tomorrow! And even though I’m really scared no one will come (especially since I was too sick to get the word out), I’m happy to have the chance to try. Also, it looks likely that I’ll be feeling better by then. So that’s good.
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard:
– being “appointed” to yet another committee
– sooooo dark in the morning when I have to get up
– heat wave + HOA turned off our air conditioning for the year = miserable climate at home
The Good:
– 3 suspects for office thief in police custody … justice being served regarding my stolen laptop computer
– visit to my sister’s house
– new jeans wardrobe
Congrats on your bully victory! (Not that you “beat” him, but you found a new pattern.) Bullies are one of the trickiest difficult things I face, but I’m getting better. I deftly fended one off this week as well, and it was much easier than I thought. Listening to the wisdom from my son’s aikido instructor helped immensely.
The hard has been wrestling with the feeling that I should save my husband from his work frustrations by getting a job. Doing what? When? How? Oh, the drama I can concoct. Also feeling like I can never keep the house in order, especially the kitchen, which has been a decade-long issue. *sigh*
The good has been that I started keeping a journal about what worked and what didn’t during the day. It’s so wonderful to be clear on what supports me and what doesn’t even if I think it’s a treat, like sugar in the afternoon.
Much love and clarity to all in the new year!
Hiro sigh for all chickenings x
The hard: processing some very painful bullying (it’s banish the bully week clearly) but against my own dear husband by a relative, which indirectly impacted me.
One of my kids being very aggressive and unhappy about going to school.
Not enough work completed. By a factor of about ten.
Signing up for a work related event that is going to be, at best, dull, and at worst, soul destroying.
The good: making the hard but conscious decision separately and jointly that the bully will now be excluded from our lives. Having some supportive conversations with others about this decision. Knowing very well where the elevator shaft is and what is my stuff and what is definitely not my stuff. Being clear that I do not want this issue to have any room in my head. Trying to view the bully with compassion, despite the relationship termination.
Great hugs and joke book reading with aforementioned slightly stressed and anti-school kid. Seeing him squatting on the ground looking for four leaf clovers.
Adding on an extra visit to a lovely friend to the kill-me-now visit to New York. In fact it’s all about the friend visit and the dull stuff is just the afterthought. Thinking of ways to play hookey from dullness and hang out at art galleries instead. Aiming to attract the nicer people at said dull event…
Hiho chickeneers. Cluck cluck!
My report…
Hard shtuff
– Tiiiiiiiired. Also, society (hey, this is me – what’s new?)
Not sleeping well, Little Lad visiting the big bed every night not helping. Perpetually hungry. Travelling to Bolivia is aardvark…. another reason why nuclear family set up is crap. Without 17 aunties and sisters around to pick up the slack you have to Keep Going (!!!) and you end up completely exhausted MONTHS before the little rat arrives and the remnants of your sleep routine go to shit. No wonder we’ve got a ppd epidemic! Luckily I am aware that The Expectations of Society are a piece of crap and feel pretty okay with only ever achieving an ‘Adequate’ in the housewife stakes, at best.
– getting in touch with my Life Porpoise.
I seem to have stepped much more fully into my life (good) but it’s putting me in touch with a hell of a lot of intense emotions (ow, even the good ones kind of). Not bad, but intense. Seriously!! Intensity feeding into the tiiired above too. Ohhh, maybe hormones contributing to this too? JUST occurred to me…
– the merry-go-roller-coaster
We are still on it. My PTSD hypersensitivity leading to public shouting (damn, I do like to be thought sane) leading to his normal sensitivity and also PTSD hypersensitivity leading to Stupid Words leading to hurt feelings leading to confusion and pain and eventually kind of making friends again and assuaging the merry-go-roller-coaster relationship nausea somewhat. Also feeding the tired.
Ah, that’ll do…
Good shtuff
+ getting in touch with my Life Porpoise.
Embracing my [girl]-ness and given the public internet swearing/meltdown/analysis last week meaning that I have publicly declared myself to be Decidedly Not Beige (Suck It Up) I decided to post this FABULOUS talk on facecrack today. YAY!!
Have wanted to for a year or more but been too fraidy to do it in case people don’t like me for being so intense…. So seeing as any other impression has been shot to hell anyway, I put it out there! Such an important message!
Also: This, I believe! Letting myself declare it! I am the vessel – tripping over this message all over the place which is actually quite liberating and exciting/scary not impendingbanishment/scary
Lots of thinking and writing and talking about Missions From God and Life Porpoise and helping other people get on with their Missions From God because we have to SAVE THE WORLD and besides which why not, life is much sweeter when you’re living your life porpoise. And also we HAVE to save the world, it would be SUCH a shame not to. I’m raising one child and carrying another and I feel strongly about this too.
Yes. Lots of intensity all over!! Trying to figure out how to channel this energy sustainably. You can’t LIVE like this, it’s too demanding. Emergency calming employed several times to bring myself down a little even though I was totally ENJOYING my outrage and passion and explosions of yes-ness and heart-pumping and ALIVENESS. Sadly, not a sustainable state. It’s why even sixteen year old girls grow up.
+ Woo!
Emergency calming and other wonderful woo-woo mind/body/energy/soul tricks. They are So Very Useful.
+ Friends. Not the dumb telly show
New friends. New conversations with old friends. Old friends talking Very Good Sense which was highly needed. Lots of thinking, talking and writing. Authenticity proving to be far less energy and far more rewarding than trying to please, trying to fit, trying to be….. whatever. Oh… right. Yes.
+ Feeling useful
Dear friend going through a learning experience of the suckiest variety and thinking that maybe talking to me helped her a bit to get out of taking responsibility for Other People’s Crap and only have to deal with Her Crap which is a hell of a lot better deal and I think maybe helped reduce some of the sucky.
Good to reiterate it all to myself too. I am in the process of getting better at X. I am allowing Person to be in the process of getting better at Y if and when he chooses to do so. Also: boundaries. Finding them, honouring them and defending them. This is important.
+ jobweb clearing
Jobwebby job likely to be reorganised in the best interest of the project which will mean I won’t have to worry about it and feel bad about it because it requires more than I’m capable of. Phew! Will have to seek alternative income but hey that’s at least three weeks away! *rolls eyes at my own money slackness. oh whatEVAH*
Ummmmm, that will do too.
Cluck!!
Bullies are scary!!
I’d love to learn more on that topic.
**** The hard of my week: ****
– an ambiguous meeting with the supervisor. yes, she was nice. but also she wants to be so involved and it worries me because – what is she plotting now? something to think about.
– nightmares and worries; sleeping late and not well
– feeling very lost one day about where I am in life and how its different from my friends
– feeling disconnected from old best friends
**** The good: ****
– my laptop had repairs so I couldn’t do data work and did thinking instead and it was mah-va-lous.
– a great talk with a new friend
– putting enjoyment back on the agenda
– starting to see whats been happening and even starting to see some ways out
Sadly for me, the worst bully in my life is me. I give myself a hard time about lots of things. On the other hand, self-bullying is a pattern and I am learning to work with – and change! – my patterns.
@ Hannah: “putting enjoyment back on the agenda” – Yay for that!
@ Cherilyn: a journal about what worked and what didn’t during the day – what a great idea! A supplement to the Book of Me, or a resource for discoveries to put in it, and an end of the day ritual. I like it.
My week:
The Good:
+ MrB’s survival celebration, with more than two dozen people just on Saturday, and wonderful interactions with everyone.
+ Finally revising my eating habits to what I have wanted for myself for a long time!
+ Writing time with two of my friends; these sessions are just incredibly productive.
+ We were offered free tickets to a musical for which tickets are expensive and hard to get! A dress-up occasion, and I will wear the crocheted top that I didn’t get to finish before my niece’s wedding.
+ I called the doctor about physical therapy for my knee, and he referred me to an orthopedist, who referred me for physical therapy. He prefers a noninvasive approach!
+ Ideas, ideas, ideas.
+ The coming week has just the right amount of things to do planned and scheduled. Yay!
+ Good checkup at the dentist (it’s so much easier to go to those appointments when the last one was good and I expect this one to be good too).
+ MrB had a good checkup at the opthamologist; this is a good thing in my week too.
+ Telling people about driving the racecar is even more fun than doing it!
The Hard:
– Insomnia, pain, tiredness. The usual.
– Not getting done the things that I want to get done, and giving myself a hard time about it.
– Suspecting a family member of “disappearing” some of my belongings: some collectible books, a camera, and the beads for the crocheted top. If they did it, that is not okay but if they didn’t, then suspecting them is also not okay, and I don’t know how to alleviate my suspicions, except if the missing objects to turn up. Which is going to be a VPA for next week, but I’ll ask it now so the VPA magic can start working sooner.
Not going to think more about it now. Going to drink my luscious coffee drink and read my lovely book and relax into the weekend.
Hugs for the hard and yay for the good!
Oh, Wishful-me! I love her too. Sometimes she needs some hugs, though.
This week’s hard:
– Getting ready for travel. Lots to do in little time. Last-minute shopping with nothing quite working out or fitting. Ugh.
– Left all my samples for my Tuesday class on my worktable instead of bringing them with me, so my students didn’t get to see what they were trying to make.
This week’s good:
– Unexpected but very good late-night conversation with my sister.
– Fantastic conference with editor colleagues. In the first two hours today I learned enough to make the cost and the trip worth it, and there’s still another full day to go. Delicious food and great conversation with people I’ve known online for years but am just now meeting in person.
– Two special orders out of nowhere, and signs that one of last week’s special orders is going to turn into a string of new orders.
– I manage to time this week’s giant, gasp-inducing silver order perfectly: lowest price in the past 18 months, and it promptly wen up another $2/oz the next day. Go, me!
Happy Friday, Chickeneers!
Invoking Chicken amnesty as it’s already afternoon Saturday.
I’m with you there Havi, the week sped by. Wasn’t it just Sunday?
The Hard:
* Moments of guilt for avoiding writing the big paper. Making a Yuck layer cake – not delicious.
* Some shoe throwing by Adman.
The Good:
* Mostly it’s been a good week. I didn’t guiltify too long.
* I have been LOVING the Shiva Nata app. I am practicing so much more now that I have it.
* I found a name for my “thing” and jumped into buying the domain name – oooooo. Found a space for the workshop too.
* Made progress on the paper (thank you Focusing, Shiva Nata, dancing, monster dialogues and Havi’s recent post about chickening) and it no longer seems so BIG. Now, that’s big.
* I love this time between Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur as it is called the Days of Awe. Isn’t that just beautiful?
Awe -some – heh heh.
Wishing you days filled with awe,
@VickiB – yay thanks for the encouragement. its becoming the main item on the agenda this week
@ everyone – happy new week 🙂
i so enjoy reading all the updates 🙂 and joining in
@Havi – thanks for sharing the wisdom week after week 🙂
Hard: being suddenly late for an important meeting that turned out to be scheduled earlier than I thought was even possible. Having a meltdown while frantically driving there, because dammit, I did everything right and still it was all going wrong, no fair! Yes, pattern.
Good: oh, so many things. A meeting that went well despite the mishap. A marvelous dinner in a German restaurant we found by chance: so gemutlich! Epiphanies great and small. Being loved. Writing.
Better late than never, eh? 🙂
Hard stuff…
-My self esteem has been pretty low this week. It’s been a rough spiral of “I’m not accomplishing anything” -> “I can’t accomplish anything” -> “I don’t feel worthy of doing anything worth accomplishing” -> “I’m miserable so I’m just going to lie here and/or flail.”
-Corollary to the above, I’m dealing with mental and physical health stuff that really suck.
-I got rejected for my “second-choice” job opportunity, and although I still haven’t heard about my “first-choice”, my anxiety levels are increasing every day that I don’t hear anything.
-The crappiness of my financial situation hit hard this week.
-I was hoping to take an ASL class, but I had to accept that I can’t afford it and there was no way that I could get the money in time to sign up for the class, which was kind of crushing.
-I had to accept that acupuncture isn’t really working for me, and also that I can’t afford to keep going “just in case” it might start working if I keep going. I really liked getting it, but I think I just really liked napping in the chair in the nice calm room and having someone pay attention to me for a few minutes, and I just can’t justify paying $30 a week for that when it’s not actually helping with any of the medical conditions from which I was trying to get relief.
Good stuff…
-I did some fun, constructive journaling and had some good conversations with my self/ves
-I finished crocheting a hat that I’ve been working on for a while
-I made a totally awesome deck of cards, each featuring an activity I can do that makes me feel good, such as “go to the library” or “do a crossword puzzle” or “practice Shiva Nata”. I’m SO excited about this deck! I’ve dubbed it the Oracle of Happiness, which means that when I write myself a reminder note to use it, my note says “do an OoH!” which makes me even happier!
-I’m getting totally pumped for VeganMoFo, for which I will be blogging about vegan food every day for the month of October.
-I discovered the Vegan Soul Kitchen cookbook, with which I am madly in love.
Chickening! Now seems like the perfect time. My monsters tell me that it’s too late even though Havi says RIGHT THERE that I can do it whenever. So I’m asking them to have a dance party and eat toast while I’m doing this. Woohoo!
The Hard:
-There’s this Thing. I haven’t been able to really talk about it with anyone. It’s a pattern. It scares me. It’s a problem. I’m calling it The Mess. I want to find a safe person to talk about The Mess with. Not to fix it yet. Just to talk about it.
-Sleep apnea symptoms seem to be returning. Except for when they’re not. Should get a better diagnosis this time next week. But still, hard.
-Hiding. The shadow side of proxies. Hiding things from roommate. Hiding from institutions that want my monies. Hiding the fact that I’m dating from certain parts of my life, namely Facebook.
-Money issues. The good part is that I’m starting to look more in depth at it. The patterns, the coping mechanisms that aren’t working for me. But looking at it is scary, and I don’t do it often or with regularity. And I haven’t been able to look at it long enough to take actions on it, to dig myself out of the hole just yet.
-I’ve jumped a level in awareness of how fear runs my life. The realization will probably be helpful, in some ways it already has been. But it’s scary. And it makes me depressed. I feel like a solid chunk of my Self is Fear, and that is an awful feeling.
-I am a terrible friend. I haven’t been in contact with any of my friends in weeks. The last time I contacted most of them, I was begging for money. Another pattern. I miss them. I miss who I was when I was with them. I’m afraid that Things Will Never Be The Same. And of course, they can’t be, because Now is Not Then. So, there’s some mourning there. I sent out some outreach texts, but I’m afraid that no one will ever get back to me and they’ll hate me Forever And Ever TM.
The Good
+Dating. It’s not what I expected. I have a Bear now. Things are very slow (well, by my definition, by some people it’s super fast), and comfortable, and fun, and snuggly. There’s not a lot of defining or worry. There is almost no hiding. It’s good. It’s great, actually.
+I’ve been processing the process. Giving myself bits of permission to do things slowly, and do them my way. Letting go of tiny patches of perfectionism.
+Yummy scented things. Candles, essential oils, herbal tea, yummy hot cocoa, and The Best Coffee In The World. With my Bear.
+Sharing of favorite things, and enjoying both the giving and the receiving.
+Discovering my superpowers. Among them are sometimes perfect timing even though I’m running late, and “a sweetness that could disarm Puss in Boots”. Tee hee.
+Oh my God this weather. It’s officially Fall now. So happy about that. Today I discovered (remembered?) about my very favorite weather–overcast, just barely drizzling, a soft sweet wind blowing. Jacket weather. Perfect.
+Thinking about Halloween costumes, and my birthday which is soon after. Plans involving pumpkins, corn mazes, blue hair dye.
+Related to the last item, rediscovering parts of myself. Giving myself permission to do things that other people might not have liked in the past. Making me the most important person, the most important opinion, in my own life.
+I dressed up to go dancing on Friday, and I was hot. And I knew it, and other people knew it, and it was good.