Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
My brain is all turned around from being a zombie (slightly noisy link!) and teaching and all of it.
So these might be very incoherent personal ads. But we’re doing it!
As always, you can VPA all week, if you like.
Thing 1: Where else am I taking the long way when the long way is unnecessary?
Here’s what I want:
This past week at Crossing the Line (password: haulaway) I have discovered countless things that I am completely tripping over.
And each time it’s a case of doing something in a hard, complicated way when the easy and fun way is right in front of me.
We’ve been doing lots of Shiva Nata, and all of the epiphanies are yelling HEY LOOK THERE’S A SIMPLER WAY OVER HERE!!!
So. If I’m making things unnecessarily convoluted in this one area of my life (teaching), where am I doing it in the rest of my life? That’s what I’d like to find out.
Ways this could work:
Journaling. Stone skipping. More shivanauttery.
Throw it into the pot. Talk it over with clever and compassionate friends. Take it to the treasure map. What would one of the beacons do?
My commitment.
To not take myself too seriously.
To be receptive to many possible things-that-are-true.
To use the crayons.
Thing 2: Documentation. (Meta!)
Here’s what I want:
While I teach, I also take notes on the teaching.
Basic stuff like conscious entry and the dancing Revue.
But also noticings, ways I can adapt the various Capers that we play with, ideas for future Capers, ways that I have changed the sequencing or the material to fit the specific needs of a specific group.
So I end up with the meta-tour of the program. And then all those notes tend to just go live in a messy pile of iguanas and doom until I decide what to do with it.
I want a more formal way of documenting this stuff so that I can easily access it.
If I want to. I don’t have to. But it’s there for me if I decide I want to revisit it.
Ways this could work:
An Anthology! Or a section in an anthology.
(Anthology is my metaphor-mouse-word for “binder” because binders remind me of school and then I don’t want to use them.)
I already have my Anthology of Crossing the Line (The Ship!) and its companion, the Anthology of Crossing the Line (The Sea!).
The first is the structures and forms that hold the teaching — timetables, plans, components of each day, entry and exit for each component.
The second is all the deliciously sneaky content (mmmmm, content!) that I might plug into the various components. Capers! Adventures! Concepts!
So maybe there’s a place for a section for 2011 Notes.
Or maybe a 2011 anthology that is just for documentation and assessment? I don’t know yet.
My commitment.
To experiment and play.
To connect to the qualities of safety, exploration, permission, discovery, form, preparation and flow.
To use the crayons some more.
Thing 3: Best recovery time ever? Let us investigate what this means!
Here’s what I want:
To give myself real recovery time from teaching this incredibly intense madcap eight days of adventuring.
And to really truly enjoy the recovering so that I’m not just collapsed in a heap.
What I don’t know is the how/where/what…
Ways this could work:
I could ask Slightly Future Me what she would do.
If for some reason I was retiring and leaving my business to the most wonderful and amazing person in the world, and I had unlimited resources to design the Ideal Recovery Situation for this person… what would the elements be?
I’m noticing a trouble spot! It’s the word VACATION. Recovery time is not a freaking vacation. It’s recovery. I need to distinguish between those and find out what that means.
Will do some more research on this. But maybe run away to my uncle Svevo in the woods?
My commitment.
To find out what I need to find out.
To be patient. It’s a process.
Thing 4: A partner in crime!
Here’s what I want:
Someone who is both a friend and an adviser to giggle and strategize with me about my big, crazy plans and dreams.
Not to coach and not to consult and not to advise.
Just to drink tea with and draw with colored pencils and go OHMYGOD THAT WOULD BE SO GREAT!
To playfully plan, to sit with me while I talk to metaphor mouse, to rejoice over small things.
Ways this could work:
I have the best idea for who this could be! And I am whispering it to the trees.
My commitment.
To find out what happens in my life when this is part of it.
And what the symbolic elements are.
Thing 5: The rest of the Rallygators for January.
Here’s what I want:
The January Rally (Rally!) is going to be the most fun, hilarious, brilliant, amazing thing ever.
That’s because I have lots of new plans and the Playground has lots of new toys.
There’s room for six more people and I would like those six people to raise their hands.
Ways this could work:
The Crossing mice each get two bonus Rallies. Maybe some of them will decide they can’t bear to be away from the Playground any longer and will say JANUARY.
The people who are considering it will just know if it’s the right timing or not.
And it could just happen.
My commitment.
To figure out what my next steps are. To talk to Carolyn about this. To find out what I’m wrong about.
Thing 6: Next steps on the Enthusiastic
Here’s what I want:
The Convening of the Enthusiastic is happening in December and I haven’t sent out the invitations!
Not even sure when I’ll be able to do this…
Ways this could work:
Talk to Briana and Cairene.
Have a snack-sized Drunk Pirate Council (Drunkette! Councilette!).
Get the initial design for the invitations. Or meditate on the copy?
My commitment.
To be enthused because the Enthusiastic is the opposite of the Bored/Board.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted eighteen people for the Shiva Nata workshop in Boulder. And we have them! Though then the studio told me we can fit some more people in, so you might still be able to sign up for that in the next day or two.
Then I asked about advance planning, and I’m actually feeling pretty good about that. We have three people for next year’s Crossing the Line in October, and some scholarship applications. I will do some more with this. It feels new and weird and good so far.
I also wanted blog posts and that was kind of iffy. That is, posts happened, but I am feeling conflicted about HOW they are happening. So I need to investigate that. But yay for the posts that were here.
Next I wanted KT-ers for the Kitchen Table Rally in April, and that’s all taken care of.
And I wanted to nail Thriller and learn the Shim Sham! So yes. I can now do Thriller at full speed and without cues, without watching anyone. Even taught it to several of the Crossing the Line mice. Plus I found a Shim Sham class and signed myself up. Developments! They are happening. Thank you, VPAs.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
Follow
Updates:
I wanted a wonderful vacation with my assistant handling everything at the office. This came through with flying colors.
The Boy: no progress. No movement. No nothing. It feels like there’s movement clearing out the old, or at least getting down to the sadness of the old, past the anger and the “I feel nothing for you, never did” stage.
This Week’s VPA:
I’m returning after vacation. I want a smooth transition, calmness, and a ramp up into November. Preparations I have made for this: contact with assistant during vacation, trust in assistant, clients who know I was away.
I will renew my ad for The Boy. I would like to spend some more time with him, near him. I would like to get to know him better. Ways this could happen: I could see if I could buy lobsters from him. I could see him out and be brave, or not brave but say something anyway. He could reach out somehow. My commitment: to stay open. to ask about lobsters. to keep my house clean as if to say “yes, open for visitors.”
De-lurking!
VPA #1: Clarity/Focus/Stuff.
I’ve got too much stuff swirling around, and I am running around going “Oh! Shiny!” or “Noooes! Forgot!” and it’s just not a good way to go about things. Too tiring. I’d like to know what I want, so I can know what’s actually important to do and then do THAT.
How this could happen: Could talk to my Incubator folks, stone-skip, journal, get a bolt of inspiration, something.
My commitment: to not take on any new shiny until I get a grip on current stuff.
Last week’s ask was granted and a mutually positive experience was had by all on Friday. Moral of the story: I always imagine the worst outcome and it never comes to pass.
This week’s ask is for acceptance. Acceptance that I’m really not cut out to be the director even though I’ve been doing most of the job for nearly the past 2 years. The skillset that is needed isn’t the one that I have. I’m much better in the supporting, logistical role. I get more excited and engaged in those activities than I do in the ones required for the director position. I just need to find a director with whom my skillset is a complement instead of it turning into a turf battle.
How this could happen: My interim director could FINALLY get the job posting updated so that we can have some qualified applicants. I could remind myself of what really gives me pleasure instead of feeling resentment that I’ve been discouraged from applying.
My commitment: To accept that things will work out for the best and that I will find new and enriching activities once the new director comes on board.
A “partner in crime” …. what a wonderful thing to ask for. Seriously wonderful, and I never would have thought to do so. (Insert sound of brain twitching in delight.)
Someone who writes, who plays my goofy game (WoW, plz don’t laugh), someone who … argh, hard to put it into words right now, mind is reeling. I’ve asked for a little less pain, a little more energy, to be a little less judgmental, but to ask for a friend? Kinda sounds pitiful to write it out like that but still … I wonder …
hmmm
🙂
p.s. Big *hugs* and thank you for the idea!!!
So last week I asked for clarity around my dissertation and how it relates to procrastination and I got that. Yay that is good. I also asked for clarity about the direction I want to take in my life. I found that I have that but that it is blocked by giant boulders of resistance. I guess that makes half a yay.
This week I would like:
1) to actually use what I learned about procrastination and my dissertation to sit down and work on it.
This could come about, by scheduling time for it. Reviewing my notes and stone skipping on it. Some other way.
I commit to continue being gentle with myself and reminding myself that I have time.
2) to learn more about resistance and how I relate to it. I feel overwhelmed by it right now and that is putting me in an icky place.
I could continue working with the procrastination dissolv-o-matic. I could shiva nata some. I could go for a long walk. I could fractal flower it.
I commit to only doing as much as I can stand.
3) My cold has not subsided yet. And I know that if I push myself it won’t go away. So I want a little patience as my body heals.
I could try to set up little gifts for myself this week to take time and space for healing. I could decide to only do half days of work. I could magically find the cure to all colds for all time and ever.
I commit to noticing what works.
____
I wish all and everyone a happy week.
(1) A time machine. To take me to December 21th, 2011.
Oh, that can’t happen? DAMNIT.
In that case…
(2) Overwhelms! The overwhelms! Banishment of them.
School Therapy! has helped me break up some really pernicious school stucknesses. I need more of that. More of mindfully interacting with the Suckiness that is school right now. ARRRRG. I want the infinite task list to stop. I want feeling-bad-about-everything to stop.
How this can happen: the more overwhelm and head-spinning I feel, the more I SLOW DOWN. And do all the things we talk about in School Therapy!
SLOW DOWN. Take time. Breathe and laugh and be silly.
(3) Yoga! Shiva Nata! I want them to return.
Not being able to do them ties in with (2). I feel crazy so I stop doing things to take care of myself. But, the only way I’ll start feeling less crazy is by doing things that take care of me.
A CRAZY LOOPY CATCH-22, this is!
My commitment: to do 10-minute spurts. Or 5-minute spurts. Or THREE MINUTE SPURTS. To find the shortest possible yoga video and do it right when I wake up. To do Shiva Nata for 3 minutes during lunch.
And then, and then, — this is KEY!!! — hug myself hugely for the accomplishment. Appreciation and self-love and understanding and all that. “What’s the fucking point” monsters, effectively expelled.
(4) To not feel weird about the thing I feel weird about.
But how this could happen is: I find the places in my heart where love and forgiveness and amnesty are hiding. And to give them to myself, remembering that that is enough. Things happen during transitions. I am human. I am doing the very best I can. I have love and forgiveness and amnesty in my heart.
(5) The house. it is messy. it wants to be clean.
Monsters are yelling “THERE’S NO TIME TO CLEAN HOUSE WHEN YOU’RE OVERWHELMED WITH EVERYTHING ELSE NO TIME NO TIME NO ENERGY”
So…… I don’t know.
I will set aside 30 minutes before going to bed (early!!!) tonight to clean schtuff. And turn on fun music. It’ll be worth it.
(6) Dreams.
My dreams are slightly scared and hiding in a corner right now. Not unrelated to the Overwhelms. It is often that I just want to shut down Freckled Brilliance, quit everything (you know, everything-related-to-the-thing) and pretend to forget that the Dreaming ever happened. A part of me feels like this would be the easiest way. Of course, every time this has actually happened in the past, it led to lots of soul-deep misery and multiplied self-loathing.
I don’t know.
This is really hard. I want to not feel this way. I think what I need is more compassion and more kindness. I want to meditate on this more.
Also, trust. Trust.
Oh, gosh, another new week! How does that happen?!
I love the idea of a partner in crime. I’d love to find one. My ideal partner would resemble My Sister. Actually, I have two, but the capital letters refer to the youngest, whom I mention most often because she is a lot of fun. When the three of us get together, which is rare, we have a riot. But she lives too far away and is too caught up in the complexities of her life to be my p-i-c.
So I’m going to make that my first VPA this week.
The Butler (my cleaning service) is going to devote time this week to working upstairs with me, where I have a huge pile of iguanas and doom. It just seems easier to do a lot of these things when there is someone else working on things too. So he’s going to move things around and remove the protective coating (dust!) on things while I go through boxes and decide what to do with them.
That leads to my second VPA: to take care of the iguanas. Since Monday is Halloween and I like wearing my costume, I’m thinking of wearing it while I work. I have a black and pink wig and goth makeup — maybe I can sneak past the resistance.
Every year when I decide to do NaNo, MrB develops health complications. So this year, I’m announcing in BIG LETTERS, that I am NOT DOING NANO! I’m also NOT DOING ART EVERY DAY MONTH! Instead I am going to devote some time to elaborating the information in Virtually There, the photo album, and to drawing etc to create some Christmas gifts. So there!
My VPA: for this to work! For MrB not to have his usual heading-into-winter health problems.
Also, I have to say here (because they told me to) that some of what I have been calling Monsters are actually internalized Parents who love me very much and want to take care of me and also want me to take care of myself. So we’re doing some talking about that and I’m not going to call them names.
Have a good week everyone! Much love to you, success to your VPAs.
@VickiB!
I want to do NaNoWriMo too this year! Want to chicken with me about that next Friday ?? 🙂
*** Update ***
Last week I wanted ‘peaceful living’ and I did get some more information on why I am stuck on ‘where to live’. There is no easy solution but I am thinking about it and that’s good.
I wanted a nonviolent supervisor-meeting and it almost happened. There was an improvement but still some monster-creating.
I wanted to get more clarity on what is stressful in visiting Amsterdam and I got a tiny bit of that.
*** VPA.1 – Filling the Well ***
What I want – Julia Cameron writes beautifully about ‘filling the well’ when it’s been emptied. My well of inspiration and energy is empty. And I’d love to find soft, perfect-simple-easy-flowy ways of refilling the well that fit into my daily schedule.
Ways it could work – not so clear. So far, I am loving Pinterest. A spa day might help. I could think up a system that might work. I could keep working at home in my pj’s until I feel ready to leave and go back into the world.
My commitment – to be gentle and playful. to make it as much of an artist’s date as I can.
*** VPA.2 – A story with an ending ***
What I want – I’ve been participating in ‘nanowrimo’ for years but never made it to 50.000. It’s not about the words. But I’d love to feel as if the story I write this time has an ending.
Ways it could work – I don’t know.I could take a story that already has an ending. I could let the month run wildly and see where it leads me.
My commitment – to take this as fun. to go with my fascinations. to tell a story old school style. to remember I told stories before. to let music inspire me.
*** VPA.3 – Resolution
What I want – i’d like to find back a friend whom i lost.
Ways it could work – i could call back. i could talk and see where that goes. i could OOD about this and see where the stuck is. I could incorporate some of this into a story. I could take Optimism-me to the front of the V.
My commitment – to be gentle. to acknowledge the pain. to listen. to work at what i can chance and to accept what i cannot.
*** Blows fairy dust for all the gwishes of Havi &all the commenter mice ***
VPA!
because of Sunday. and personal ads.
On Sunday, even.
Apparently it has been more than two weeks since I VPAed here, so there is no revue.
Moving on, then.
VPA the First: Clarity, please! My body has been unclear for a very long time now. I’m doing a cleanse (with my sweetie, which makes it SO much easier) which is supposed to make things clearer, too, but so far, no dice. Also? The whole dosha thing has me more frustrated than enlightened. So. Clarity, please.
Ways this could work: I could just Do The Cleanse and stop analyzing it. I could decide to follow my cravings and see which rabbit hole they end in. I could do the cleanse and note my cravings. I could make sure I’m doing other body care things for the next week, like walking and resting and massage.
My commitment: to find a better pillow in our Pillow Stash. To drink lots of water. To pay attention.
VPA the Second: Courage to do The Thing. (Silent retreat!)
My commitment: to keep approaching it. To see what happens. To maybe tame it a la The Little Prince’s fox.
VPA the third: untangling the stuff that came with that one thing, and not picking up the tangle of stuff from that other thing.
Ways This Could Work: turning off the screen time and picking up the markers, crayons, and notebook.
My commitment: to do that. Maybe right now.
Best wishes for the everythings of the everythings, and YES to Havi’s observation that recovery is NOT the same as vacation.
What I want: for the Nov/Dec collection to come about in a way that is full of ease and fun, ideally by the end of the upcoming week.
Ways this could work: It just could. I could have a burst of inspiration and be willing to claim the time I need. I could decide that it doesn’t need to be done this week. It could happen naturally and organically in bits and pieces until it’s done.
My commitment: Shiva Nata. No forcing. Connecting to the essence of the offering if I start to rush or push. Taking care of myself as best I can.
Last week, I got (1)–staying excited about my sweet thing even though I had no time even to do the tiniest bit on it–and (2)–hope and progress on my eating habits!!! These are HUGE! Unfortunately I didn’t really have much of (3), doing my work so that it is enjoyable instead of procrastinating. I procrastinated. A lot. And made things seem way more insurmountable than they turned out to be, which was basically not at all. So!
THIS week, I want:
(1) To remember how easy the stuff was once I actually did it and see if I can do some/most/any things before they become (publicly or privately considered) “overdue.”
How?
I don’t know. I’ll just coast on the feeling somehow?!
My commitment:
To pat myself on the back when I accomplish anything.
(2)CREATIVE PURSUITS GODDAMMIT! I want to write a November novel! I have not even remotely any time for this, especially if it will involve procrastinating as much as I imagine, but I just…I want this to be the year that I stop putting it off. I want to find my generative, creative self again. AND, I want–need!–to find time for my tiny sweet thing! It was so great! It is still so great and it’s sitting there and I don’t want to lose my momentum. But I have to get through the midterming process before then (by Wednesday!) and do regular homework for my other class. Bah.
How?
I DO NOT KNOW. INTO THE POT!! (Maybe if (1) works there will just be magical extra time?!)
My commitment:
To say to myself, “This year will be the year.”
(3) I want sticking to the Weight Watchers plan to continue to be awesome.
How:
-I think it’s going to just happen. The miraculous freedom from *needing* to eat every dessert in sight because I’m not supposed to could just…stay away! I could feel able to manage things!
My commitment:
-To eat the soup!
-To tell people what I’m doing so they can encourage me.
Lastly and most importantly,
I want to rebuild trust with my gentleman friend. To heal the damage I did to our relationship this weekend. To help him feel better.
How:
He is forgiving me.
I will be as kind and considerate and present as possible.
Time will make it better, I think, and if we put it behind us it will stay there.
My commitment:
To let him feel however he needs to feel and not react defensively.
To read the rest of NVC and act on it.
To discuss with therapist and take responsibility.
To show my intentions.
I love the idea of a partner in crime. Whoever gets to be your partner, Havi, will be one special pirate!!! Take good care this week!! p.s. I’m bummed the Shiva Nata teacher training/convention is moved to fall 2012! It would be awesome to have more of those sooner! I”m itching to get out to one!! (I need to stop with the exclamation points eh?)
Mmm. Hello, VPAs.
What I want: I’d like for some tidying to happen in my space. And for the tidying to ripple out in unexpected ways to the rest of my life.
How this could work: 20 minutes of tidying every night. Good music to play while tidying.
My commitment: To remember to do it. To be very forgiving if it doesn’t happen, or doesn’t happen as quickly as I’d like.
Update on last week: Last week didn’t happen as I’d expected. I’m not necessarily feeling more rested. But excitement did happen, in the form of dancing and good friends. Also, I did remember to take moments to just be present. So yay for that, definitely.
UPDATE on last week’s VPA: There is progress! I haven’t gotten final finals, but I see why the dynamics are what they are. Two people writing me completely conflicting infos gave me a LOT of insight.
This week’s VPAs:
Thing #1 – To Get Motivated for the Lovelyman’s Arrival.
Whoa! We have precisely a month! WHOOA! Need to make more room! Where? How?
Ways This Could Work:
– The bloom of my life could magically unfold and show me what it truly encompasses.
– He and I could both just fit together somehow.
– The apartment and my psychology could stop fighting each other.
My Commitment:
– To move things from place to place.
– To keep removing what can be removed.
– To remember that we both have the same problem and use him as a source.
Thing #2 – To Always Find Time for Nanowrimo.
It’s not a story I’m invested in so it should be easy. I wish for it to be so, and to unfold magically like the title and the idea did.
Ways This Could Work:
– I could tap into my old autowriting model.
– I could write in bed rather than in my currently-crowded officespace.
– I could manage spaciousness in my life.
My Commitment:
– To keep thinking about the story.
– To designate space, from now on.
– To be okay with dropping it.
* * *
Sending tons of well-wishes to everyone!
Tiptoing up to the pot, and tossing in a gwhispered gwish for a laptop or notebook computer — something I can use while in bed or on the sofa, cuddled under blankets.
Sending love and luck for everyone’s VPAs!
What is a mini marathon training?
What I want:
To get some major brainstorming done on my story so that I can write it so that it gets done on time.
Ways this could work:
Shiva nata. Long walks, weather permitting. Finding space. Getting it in my head, so I’m thinking about it throughout the day. Fractal flowers.
My committment:
To work on my story every day, and make it a top priority. It’s what’s important.