Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Hey there! Sunday! It’s you! Oh, Sunday. How have you been all week?
I had adventures. And it’s really good to be back here at the Gwishery!
Yes, the place where I secretly and not-so-secretly deposit my gwishes.
Let’s do this. And you can play too if you want.
Thing 1: A stage-like thing and a perfect simple solution.
Here’s what I want:
So I’m teaching this workshop in Boulder on Thursday and there will be 26 people.
But we decided not to rent a stage because it was too complicated to arrange delivery with the location, for a variety of reasons.
And it is not impossible to teach Shiva Nata while not being taller than everyone so they can see easily, but it’s a challenge.
So I would really like a small, portable, DIY stage-like thing to magically reveal itself.
Ways this could work:
No idea! Let’s see.
Hmmm… maybe one of my people in Boulder or Denver has access to a bunch of milk crates and a large board?
Maybe someone works somewhere where there are portable risers and could help arrange for transport?
Maybe one of my roller derby connections has access to something. Like a tiny section of bleachers… ?? Or something else?
Maybe I just go get outrageously high platform shoes and we don’t do any high-impact jumping around.
Maybe I have the just right idea. In fact, most likely: Maybe Shiva Nata gives me the idea or the solution, since that’s one of the things that it does best.
Do you guys have ideas?
I’m receptive to a variety crazy goofball suggestions. Not things along the lines of “just deal with it”, though. That’s not what I want.
My commitment.
To have fun. To have so much fun.
I’ve already planned the class and today I’m having my imaginary Traveling Companion pack my valise.
So now I am just asking the ask and WISHING it. From a secret hidden room that is filled with trust, calm, strength and endless playful possibilities.
Thing 2: Recovery. Easy Transitions. Consolidation. Revue.
Here’s what I want:
I just finished pulling off mad feats of brilliance, grace and athleticism at THE OLYMPICS (shhhhh, that’s my proxy for teaching eight days of Crossing the Line).
But on Wednesday, I’m flying to Denver.
And there are all sorts of things that need to happen for that. Not to mention all sorts of recovery practices, exit rituals and a sparkly spangly dancing-mouse Revue of what was.
Ways this could work:
I have created an Anthology of Exit. It’s at the Playground. And maybe I can play with that.
Also I need a new word for consolidation because it’s stressing me out.
Magical synthesis? Can I relate it to the fractal flowers? Because that would be awesome.
Basically I don’t know how any of this will work.
But I know what I need:
Spaciousness. Curiosity. Investigation.
And also…. tea, notebooks, scribbling, doing old Turkish lady yoga and secret agent marathon-training sessions (that aren’t actually marathon-training sessions at all, because that’s code too, ahahahaaaaa!).
My commitment.
There has to be a way to make this fun, creative, safe, permission-filled, light-hearted and ridiculous.
And I’m going to find it.
Because if anyone can find it, that person would be me. It’s what I do. And if you think about it, this whole project is a sort of strategic conceptual blanket fort.
Whoah. Strategic Conceptual Blanket Forts. Is it just one guy?
Thing 3: The Page That Shall Not Be Mentioned Except By Proxy.
Here’s what I want:
On Friday, roller derby Championships begin. The Continental Divide & Conquer!
We’ll have a full page ad for Shiva Nata in the giant program.
It will be directing people to a page on the website.
That page does not really exist yet. Yes. Hilarious!
Because who doesn’t love doing something risky, expensive and possibly stupid? At the last minute? I live for that stuff.
I wish this were not true. Okay. It’s kind of not true. Oh god. At this point I’m just kind of muttering stuff under my breath awkwardly!
So this has to work, people. How is it going to work?
Ways this could work:
We’re going to have to proxy it, of course.
And I need a daring plan.
It will involve secret agent code words and a hot water bottle that has a bear on it.
I will have to use all my superpowers and my best costumes. And I will need help.
My commitment.
To do my secret marathon-training mini-sessions (wink, wink) so that I can be focused and ready.
To pretend I’m at Rally (Rally!).
To do some Shiva Nata on it, make it hard, and have realizations about what to do next.
To trust and trust and trust some more.
Thing 4: Recommendations for speakers!
Here’s what I want:
Not the kind of speakers who stand behind a podium.
The kind that play music and make a room sound beautiful.
I had another shivanautical realization this week. I have these portable speakers that go with my ipod because I am still in the identity of Traveling Yoga Teacher Who Wanders The World.
But now I’m the director of a center where I also run a yoga studio. This is different. We need an actual sound system.
It doesn’t need to be crazy fancy, because the Playground has magical acoustics and an enormously high coved ceiling, and everything sounds terrific there.
It needs to be relatively affordable (not something my high-end-audiophile ex-husband would recommend) but also sound good and be relatively easy to install.
Ways this could work:
I can ask you guys for ideas and recommendations.
I can bring it to my Kitchen Table and ask there.
Or ask the Frolicsome Bar? Or the twitter pub?
My commitment.
To keep investigating this. To find out where the stuck lives and ask it loving questions.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted to find the shortcuts and I found all the shortcuts. This is incredible.
Note to me-who-forgets: The shortcuts include a) proxies, b) fifteen mini newts!, c) mini “marathon-training sessions” wink-wink, d) choosing the door by choosing the world you want to be in and doing something that represents that world, e) write it down.
I asked for documentation, and created the best Anthology ever. Yes!
Then I wanted good recovery time, and am still working on that. But some things that helped: hiding with Briana, immersing myself in the hidden hotel, writing notes to myself, using the Anthology of Exit.
Also: thai massage.
The ask for a Partner In Crime resulted in all sorts of marvelous and unexpected results, including a fantastic idea I had that will most certainly lead to shenanigans. Of the good kind.
I also wanted Rally sign-ups for the January Rally (Rally!), and we that happened. I believe there are now two spots left? And a scholarship ship?
And next steps on the Convening of the Enthusiastic, which is moving full speed ahead. Wow. Best VPAs ever. I can’t believe so much of this actually happened so quickly.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
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I don’t know if this would be practical because I don’t know how long it takes to learn to use them but there is a tool painters and drywallers use that clip to the shoe and strap to the leg called stilts. You can look at them at Sears online where they atart at about $150. Maybe someone in CO has a painter friend with a spare pair. I believe the height is adjustable so you wouldn’t have to be 2 feet off the floor if that was too high. These came to mind because you suggested “Outrageously high platform shoes” and these qualify for that description. Good luck.
Last week I asked for acceptance and feel that I attained that state of mind more hours than not. Still needs work…..
This week my ask is for pacing. I have an overpacked few weeks ahead (HA, and how is that different than the past xx weeks?). I know that getting depleted makes me good for nothing and puts me in a state of mind that is very undesirable.
How this could work? Boundaries on my time. Pushing off things that really don’t have to be done today. Saying NO to the things that can be reasonably turned down or at least deferred. Taking a few minutes here and there EVERY day to zone out. Reminding myself that being busy doesn’t translate into being productive.
My commitment – to listen to the signals that my body is giving me. To be kind with myself. To understand that this is a phase, not how the rest of my life has to be lived.
Gwishing times 🙂
1. A Room of Requirements
Context – In Harry Potter, whenever someone good is in terrible need of a Thing, – the hidden and secret and invisible Room of Requirements pops up with just that thing.
What I want – I’d like a List of Things I Need. I have a hard time wanting and needing Things, being brought up by semi-hippie-parents. But it would make my life so much easier if I were more comfortable with it.
Ways it could work – I could carve out some time and space for this.
My commitment – to take it easy. to think creatively. to take some time and sit with the want and see what it represents and follow the clues! (perhaps more answers are looming). To want what I want (As much as possible)
2. Plentiful moving-around
What I want – I want to move. My body wants it. I want it.
What’s holding me back – my sense of obligation to my disseration. my fears. the constant traveling.
Ways it could work – I could dedicate my evenings to this for a while. I could draw inspiration from inspirational places. There could be a lot of walking.
My commitment – to keep working on this till it gets done. to insist i get what i need to have an environment that supports this.
3. A New Perspective.
Last week, I asked for a new story ending – it was for a writing assignment but I feel I want one for me too.
What I’d like – I’d like a way to look at the months ahead of me that doesn’t feel like it’s already doomed.
Ways it could work – I could write, and journal. I could meet a wise person or keep my ears open to wisdom.
My commitment – to listen. to be strong. to do what is good for me.
*** Update ***
Last week, I wanted to ‘fill the well’ and that did happen (not smoothly but something happened). I also wanted a story ending and that didn’t happen but I am giving more thought to it and it seems a helpful door/wall to work with for a while.
How about a trampoline? Just a little one, so you could bounce a bit higher than people’s heads? Perhaps not a good idea, but a cute visual.
My VPA:
Last week, I wanted clarity and focus, and I think I’m getting that… although I’ve still got a lot on my plate. I know that I can’t work past my capacity, but I strongly suspect I’ve been underestimating my capacity.
So this week, I want to know what my real capacity is, and start stretching. Also, I’d like to schedule things in so they happen, and close some loops so I get more of a feeling of energy as things are completed.
How this could happen: Not entirely sure. I could look at easy things to “close.” I could push a little bit further than I think I can… deliberately do one more thing, but JUST one. I’m open to anything at this point.
My commitment: To listen. Incubate. Sleep. Give myself what I need to keep my capacity up. And journal/observe/stone skip about what my capacity is and what I can do to know the boundaries of that terrain.
Updates: I wanted smooth transition back to work after vacation. I got it. I wanted something related to the boy. I have decided to remove my ad for The Boy. Not the right time. Probably not the right boy.
VPA #1.
I would like to work on building my expectations for myself, both personally and professionally. I’m not quite sure how this is done. I could start by writing vision statements for personal and professional life. Writing visions that make me uncomfortable because I think they could never be. And writing them until my brain believes them. Also: meditate 10 minutes per day.
VPA #2. There is a Friend issue. I would like to feel peace around this, to hold my seat, to send her love even if I’m not with her, and to gradually let her go for a while. I want to return to the friendship because I miss her, not because I am afraid to upset her, or because I want to see other people and know she will be there, or because I can’t say “not now, your behavior is such that I can’t spend time with you right now.” Also: meditate 10 minutes per day.
I’m trying something different this week, just thinking about and asking for some basic things that make my life good. Better. Bearable.
I want good things to drink. There must be tea — no, there WILL be tea, and sparkling water and other delicious things.
I want good food. I want rich, nourishing, homemade soup, and I want some of that lovely bread from the grocery store that I never go to. I want peaches for the microwave french toast and oranges for the salad and green peppers for the fritatta.
I want comfortable shoes so I can walk. I want to resume a practice of walking daily.
I want a warm bed and some good spots to nap. I want sufficient sleep to nourish my body the same way that drink and food and movement do.
I want to be aware of what I need in the moment and allow myself to have it.
Ways this could work: I could just find the right things at the right time. I could plant gifts for me-to-come by making sure I have sparkling water and my favorite teas. I could make the bed with extra quilts, and put afghans and quilts in other places where I want to curl up. I could pause (paws!) to check in with myself about my needs and respond to them.
My commitment: To pay attention to my needs, and accept no substitutes. To avoid delaying the response when I recognize the need (like not eating even though I’m hungry.) To add these things to the Book of Me.
Report on last week: I haven’t found a partner-in-crime but I reconnected with some lovely people so who knows? I have NOT been working on NaNo or Art Every Day Month, but I have been writing — a significant amount — and I have done some graphite work that I’m pleased with.
Wishing everyone a good week and many happy VPAs.
I did not make progress on last week’s VPA, though it seems that the thing does not need to be done when I thought it needed to be done, so I am happy that I now know that.
This week, I would like a lovely combination of spaciousness, rest, pleasure, and replenishment.
Ways this could work:
I can be extra-aware of what I need and want. I can practice doing less. I can let go of my expectations of what I will get done before Thursday and let the free time that day be free. I can book the cranberry facial or find a way to give myself the essence of the facial. I am open to magic and possibility.
My commitment: To connect. To notice. To flail and write. To remain open.
Hee hee, it totally feels like I’m ripping off one of Havi’s VPAs from last week, but anyway…
I want a partner in crime too!
Except that phrasing works best for Havi and not so well for me. Hmm…
I want a best friend, a *girl* friend, who will share secrets with me and have fun with me in a totally non-jealous (maybe the word is “open”?), loving and supportive way. The Buffy-Willow relationship comes to mind? Something like:
[+comfortable] [+simple] [+open] [+solid] [+trusting] [+loving] [+helping] [+supportive] [+deep].
And along with all that, I want to be able to *connect* with her. I want her to have the same ridiculous level of interest and enthusiasm for what my brain calls “all that crappy hippie stuff”, i.e. Connection and Self-Understanding and the True Nature of the Human Soul. Someone who, when I spout off a speech about coming from a place of love and meeting yourself where you are and all the things that Havi says here (as well as other people in other places, of course), will reply with “Ohmygod! That is *so right*!” and then go off on a speech of her own.
But I also want her to understand my deep and abiding love of the intellect and science and academia, even if she’s doing something else.
Ways this could happen:
I could reconnect (spontaneously) with one of my friends/companions from my old group who is interested in working with these things (the hippie stuff).
I could meet someone through one of Havi’s programs/courses, if that plan comes to fruition at some point.
It could happen in a totally spontaneous and unexpected way! I am willing to be surprised.
My commitment:
To talk to the monsters who say that expressing this want (and let’s not even *talk* about actually wanting it) is very dangerous and should not be done.
To keep hoping, and to lovingly ask myself why I think all my hopes are destined to be stomped on and ground out of existence.
To put my Scientists (lovingly) on the lookout for things I might have missed about this particular situation.
Love! To keep loving myself as much as I can in every situation, in lots of little ways if some of the big ways still feel impossible.
Hi Havi, I’ve never done Shiva Nata, but uhh… would table dancing work? you know use one of those nice long sturdy tables that schools and other large centers seem to have?
My VPA for today: to ask my professor from the class I am audiditing for a letter of recommendation & then follow through and send him the links to submit said letters of rec. I know this sounds like an actual actionable thing, but I’ve meant to do this for the past two weeks and always seem to get stuck in the asking.
WTCW: I could approach him during the break. I could have patience for after class. I could not freak out and get nervous. I could practice super subtle calming techniques while I wait my turn after class. I could admit that I’m shy while I ask. I could make this a spy thing with codewords like Havi does when making phone calls.
I commit to: remembering that this is the month of soup can phones and communication is possible. remembering that everyone gets nervous sometimes.
P.S. There are so many things I could add… but I’ll stop here, before I start writing for another hour! 🙂
Hello, Week.
What I want: I’d like the back pain and tension I’m having to disappear, and I’d like to know more about it while it disappears.
How this could work: Ugh. I don’t know. I’m overwhelmed about this. I scheduled an ortho-bionomy session for tomorrow, but the woman doesn’t seem as awesome as Larisa, so I’m admittedly already not expecting that much. I could keep asking friends for suggestions of practitioners who might help. My stretching could suddenly start making things hurt less, instead of more. I could talk about it in therapy, just for the heck of it.
My commitment: To tell others I’m in pain, instead of hiding it (particularly friends and caring folks). To be open to completely unexpected solutions. To have hope.
Sending fairy dust to everyone’s VPAs.
Dear Week:
I am looking for my mojo. If you will help me find it, I promise to share it with you.
Love,
Me
I have never had the chance to attend a Shiva Nata class and will probably not get to this time (can’t believe I let this fall off my radar and only remembered today!), so I don’t know how much space you need on your DIY stage. But I *suspect* you need more than 2-feet-square, which is the size of a 4″ high platform we have around our house that’s the only thing remotely similar to what you’re looking for. The only other idea I have is to loan some cinderblock bricks to the cause and hope someone else chimes in with some boards.
I’ll keep my eyes open and my brain alert for any ideas. Seems like my being right here in Boulder ought to be potentially helpful, if only I had the right Thing to whisk over to the studio!
VPA:
I’ve never done these before, and maybe it’s time I did. I think maybe the act of writing the VPA might help me see my problem in a new light and find a new way to address it.
What I want:
For this five-month-old emotional wound (an email correspondence with a trusted friend that resulted in a sense of betrayal) to finally show signs of healing. To be able to spend even a single day without reliving the memory the moment my brain goes into idle — like when I’m trying to get to sleep, thanks ever so much, brain.
(I’m not looking for reconciliation with my friend. The trust has been broken, and I don’t feel safe around her or in communication with her. I respect that, and I will protect myself. But I don’t think it takes reliving the episode and crying over it daily to protect myself. All that gives me is headaches and insomnia.)
How this could work:
Maybe I finally find what’s useful about constantly involuntarily rehashing the episode. Maybe I repeat “It’s not my responsibility to change her mind, and it wasn’t my responsibility to safeguard her feelings above my own” and it finally gets through. Maybe find another friend to talk to about it who says the thing that makes me go “a-ha!” and finally GET IT. I really don’t know. I’m clutching at straws here.
My commitment:
To be compassionate with myself. To try to stop resisting the memory when it pops up (except when it’s keeping me from sleeping), so I can better look for clues toward healing in it. To absolve Past Me of the responsibility of convincing my friend of anything at all. To reassure Past Me that her pain is valid and legitimate, no matter what my friend said in her email; that I had the right to set boundaries, and that’s more important than making my friend feel comfortable to say whatever she likes to me; that having experienced my friend’s words as a personal attack doesn’t mean I was a bad person or a bad friend.
To treat myself compassionately *physically*: take something for the inevitable post-crying headache, go get a massage, drink lots of non-caffeinated, non-alcoholic fluids, and get lots of rest. If the involuntary brooding is keeping me from sleep, I’ll get up, grab a book, and read until my head is filled with other things so I can sleep.
Thank you for this space to do that in. Deep, heartfelt sighs and compassion for everyone else’s VPAs.
Lots of mojo rah-cha-cha to everyone’s VPAs! Skipping VPAs to spend time on my ugh-week, but wanted to stop by to send around some love and joy regardless.
Thing 1: Maybe you don’t need to be higher than everyone else, you just need to be more visible? Is there an overhead screen and movie camera that could be used to project a giant moving image of you?
Could you do it on a large, sturdy chair?
Is there a rolling dishwasher or something that could be moved into the room and would be sturdy enough?
Ooh VPA! I actually have one. My First. One. Ever. o.o It’s Wednesday, I’m late. Good wishes that all your VPAs are moving along this week :).
What I want:
The perfect new secret lair. It must be affordable and must fit my family. Needs: security, safety, simplicity, stability, and joy. I would like the finding of it, the acquiring and the transitions to be filled with easy. (Superpower: easy transitions!) Doors opening and me recognizing that they’re doors.
Ways this could work:
Someone could find it for me. Craigslist. I could know a person who knows a person. Resources I don’t know about now. Derby girls or boat people or I could give mission clearances to people who currently don’t have them. Unlikely community.
My commitment:
To hold my qualities in my space and listen for echoes in the places I go see. To evaluate my existing allies for Top Secret clearances and issue them as needed. To stay open and receptive to possibility. To converse with the doors and the gaps.
ohh, no time to VPA at this exact moment but BUT!
Speakers, Havi: I THINK these are the ones I have. If they are the right ones, they have a funky curvy triangle cross-section (as viewed from the top) and get AWESOME reviews online. (If not, I apologize for misleading you! Let me know.) Like, your ex-husband might have recommended them despite their price. When I got them a couple of years ago they were $70 for a pair; looks like they went up in price a little.