Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Ahhhh. Wishing.
Sometimes the gwishes flow out of me, and other times I putter around the Playground, avoiding them.
Today was like that.
So we’re taking a breath. Acknowledging the hard. Remembering that now is not then. And committing to discovery, play, and wonder. And, as always, safety first!
This means I might have to proxy a few things.
Let’s start with the easier one…
Thing 1: A stand for the PLUM.
Here’s what I want:
Everyone loves the Playground User Manual, affectionately known as the PLUM.
In fact, I’m pretty sure that we named it here in a past Very Personal Ad.
Anyway, I want some sort of cool stand for it. Like a dictionary stand?
It should be sturdy and maybe a bit elegant or goofy or something.
And we can move it around the Playground and let it have adventures. That way people can leave it open to a favorite page, and it will have its own special home.
Ways this could work:
It could magically appear.
One of my readers or students who lives in PDX might have one or know of one.
Craigslist. Ebay. The usual suspects.
Someone could find me the right one.
It could make its way to the Playground in just the right way.
My commitment.
To be receptive to the wanting.
To maintain my connection with the vision but let it take many forms. That is, I need to focus on essence, not form.
The superpowers of this stand are: stability, grace, grounding, portability, play, delight, sturdiness, surprises, home, dedicated space, possibility, wonder.
So I’ll spend some time with those qualities and get a sense of what that’s like.
The monsters: “Why can’t you just look for it online like a normal person?!?!?! Argh, you are so embarrassing.
Thing 2: Consolidation!
Here’s what I want:
The superpower of letting all the amazing things that happened last week at Rally (Rally!) assemble themselves into the new patterns.
And making time and space for the processing of epiphanies and the sorting of notes.
Ways this could work:
Not working.
Hanging out with the Anthologies.
Using markers.
Reflecting.
Lots of mini marathon-training sessions (shhhh, this is a secret agent code word for the thing my monsters are suspicious of).
Dance it out!
My commitment.
To invoke the superpower and find out what I know about it.
To research this.
To talk to Cairene.
To maybe do more of it with images instead of words, just to see what happens.
Thing 3: Making three scary things less scary.
Here’s what I want:
Oh, of course this is all happening at the same time, major life theme.
There are three things I am committed to doing this week.
All of which scare me!
These things need to become less intimidating and more approachable.
Ways this could work:
I could stop caring so much about how people will react.
Lots of Shiva Nata to rewrite the patterns.
Reminders about how now is different from then.
Making safe rooms.
Finding out (by interviewing Slightly Future Me?) what happens AFTER I do these things.
My commitment.
To maintain compassionate curiosity.
No forcing. Just finding out.
To take extra good care of myself while I’m in this vulnerable state.
To immerse in warm water every chance I get.
Thing 4: Congruence.
Here’s what I want:
So many things that need to change.
So many things that need to come into a more harmonious relationship with themselves and each other and me.
Ways this could work:
Ten tiny changes each day? Five? Three?
Writing a love letter to the part of me who has this figured out.
Interviewing myself.
My commitment.
Trust. Practice. Love.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Ha! I asked for congruence last week and totally forgot about that. But that was a very specific ask about bringing the Playground website up to date so that it can reflect the present.
And I did manage to rewrite the main page. HOORAY!
The next ask was for a new staff page. Which I wrote (it will double as the about page), but haven’t put it up yet.
Next I wanted progress with Shivanauticon, and I was able to work on that all Rally, with the help of the Rallygators who let me run an Enthusiastic with them.
Then I wanted to do lots and lots of Reflecting (my secret embarrassing practice), and I did that EVERY SINGLE DAY. This is kind of amazing and I am astounded that it happened without more resistance.
And I asked for Rally #15 (aka the Great Ducking Out) to be absolutely glorrrrrrrrious! It was. It definitely was.
Huh. Somehow I remembered last week’s asks as being giant and intimidating, but that was a false remembering. Yay for finding out.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
Follow
I am happy to report that I now have a VPA notebook. I bought it at New Seasons at the beginning of the month because it was the prettiest notebook ever and I was sure I would find something to do with it eventually. Today, I realized that clearly it was meant for VPAs. Yay.
Reporting out: I did enjoy my wanting to visit the Galapagos Islands. And I did investigate my relationship with waiting (very fruitful, if I do say so myself).
What I want: a canopy of twinkle lights for my living room.
How this could work: I could buy 2 50ft strands or 1 100ft strand from the light bulb store. I could find a perfect and easy solution for attaching/draping them. I could have another brilliant idea for how this could be accomplished.
My commitment: To delight in the idea and enjoy the anticipation of it. To remember that this is a perfect fractal flower for radiance so working on it is not a distraction from (seemingly more important) things. To visit the light bulb store on Mississippi if I feel so inspired.
I am feeling slightly shy about the other ones so they will remain in my notebook.
Wishing love and serendipitous magic to everyone and their VPAs.
Rally changed everything everything everything and I am dizzy. Everything I thought I wanted is NOT what I actually want. Of course.
I am still processing. processing.
But I’m going to make this easy on myself by not VPAing on big abstract things. Let’s keep it to small, physical things. Yay!
Thing 1. I want my apartment to be so much more fun and colorful and playground-ified! I already jotted down some ideas for how this could happen. Now I need to make a real list-list and find time/energy/resources to make that happen.
My commitment is to keep remembering that this doesn’t necessarily have to involve me spending money on new things. Because my spouse-person and I are both 5 years old at heart, there are a bunch of things around the apartment that are already SO playground-ish. I just need to let a bunch of Perfect Simple Solutions to land, be open to re-arranging, putting things up on the wall, engaging all of my senses, etc.
You know what’s perfect for that? There’s this thing called Shiva Nata. Not sure if anybody’s heard of it.
Thing 2. Speaking of Shiva Nata!
OMG! At Rally, I ‘got’ it the way I never did before. I did it the way it works for me today and had to constantly pick up my jaw from the floor from the insanity of the insights that kept landing.
Now I just want to do it for 5 hours a day so I can fast forward to being a crazed genius. Maybe not 5 hours, but I want to re-commit to the practice for real.
What I can do: make it super ritualistic. Music and incense. Lovingly make time for it in the morning. Seek out pockets of time throughout the day to do it at work (because time is totally non-linear, Shiva Nata told me today!) Keep a journal and keep recording the insights!!!!!!
Thing 3. Okay, so I feel slightly scared asking for this but all I want with every fiber of my being is to go to Portland for Shivanauticon please please please please please.
This is very scary. Especially knowing that I have noooo freaking clue what my life will look like 6 months from now. What my source of income will be. I have no idea how much it will even cost. I don’t know. All I know is that I sooooo want to go.
My commitment: I am just going to lovingly breathe into my desire, which lives at the level of my diaphragm. I am going to say, “hello, desire!” and love it and kiss it and keep breathing. Remembering that “there are constraints, but not what I think they are” (another shivanautical epiphany that landed today!) To continue being joyful. To look for Perfect Simple Solutions.
So I totally ended up VPAing for big, abstract scary things anyway but oh well, such is how my brain works. Just to balance it out, I would also like to briefly state to the Universe that I would also like lots of wonderful, fresh vegetables and fruits to eat throughout the week, a few empty spray bottles so I can make aromatherapy sprays and a bubble bath at some point. That is all.
Love to all passing by!
Thing I want:
Compassion, treating myself with kindness and love. Support, meeting myself where I am at and being okay with that.
Ways this could work:
Allowing myself to not want to …..
more sleep!
yelling SILENT RETREAT and running away!?
walk outside tomorrow.
more Shiva Nata
Send the damned email asking for what I want/need so I don’t have to listen to myself nag, “send the #$% email already #$%!”
Throwing it into the pot.
practise compassion for 5 seconds! 🙂 Then re-practising for 5 more seconds!
communicate with curious me.
My commitment:
Bed before 11:23pm tonight.
throw it in the pot (give it to God).
SILENT RETREAT! 🙂
Simone: Of course time is non-linear. It’s actually a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff.
P.S. The angels have the phone box.
What I want:
CLARITY about knowing what I really want and how I want it and why I want it. And to feel good, inspired and excited about all of that.
Ways this could work:
I think I’ll know it when I see it.
This may be another one of those annoying things where I can’t know it until I can know it and not when I want to know it (which is right now).
My commitment:
To talk to that little ball of annoyance and frustration that grows when I think about this.
To not push it and have to know Right Now.
To create a space that is welcoming for clarity.
*** VPA Update ***
I wanted new ways to look for support and I noticed ways in which I can go back to earlier ways when accepting help was easier.
I wanted easy simple solutions in work and I found some!
*** Thing 1: Non-violent Communicating Practice
What I want – Shoes have been thrown a lot recently about stuff that is clearly not mine but it hurts.
And I wish I could help but I don’t know how. I want to practice separating ‘my stuff’ from ‘their stuff’. I want to help when I can but not overdo it. I want to accept boundaries are good and be careful but solid in setting them up.
Ways it could work – I could re-read some of the book. I could sit with it.
My commitment – to call silent retreat when needed. To give this some space. To take it easy on mysefl/
Thing 2: A finished data set.
What I want – all my data in order like little marching soldiers. That would be such a great place to start from.
Ways it could work – I could carve out time for this.
My commitment – to take time. To be as precise as I want. To believe I can do this.
Thing 3: Negotiation strategy
What I want – the next step in finishing the dissertation is setting up the boundary conditions. Under what conditions will it be enough? I need to work on it.
Ways it could work – I could read about negotiating. I could think about what I want. I could picture how this deal can work.
Thing 4: (Math) background
What I want – I want solid foundations for my new paper and all papers need some thinking.
Ways it could work – I could read the books. I could play with the math. I could see if there are little things I could add. I could sit in a new neutral place and see how things go.
My commitment – to be gentle. to acknowledge the want as well as the difficulty.
Thing 5 – Dream Time
What I want – I have been dreaming a lot. I want some time to write them down or dream more or listen to what the images are telling me.
Ways it could work – I could sleep early. I could carve out time for myself.
My commitment – to acknowledge this want. to take it seriously. to put it first because good things come from it
Here’s something I want: love and serendipitous magic! And here’s Elizabeth wishing it to all who pass by! Thank you!
Last time, I asked for community like at this blog, and to recognize the kind of people who hang out here. I had a lot of feeling loved and connected and accepted and valued this past week, which is a big part of what makes this group — you guys — so special. And I wanted the Book of Me to be filled with usefulness and it has been growing in just that way. I’ve started making a smaller, portable, version to keep in my purse.
This week’s VPAs:
Thing 1: I’m not sure how to put this into words, but I want it!
I realized this morning that I want the effect without the effort; then that I’ve had a lot of experience with the opposite, lots of effort with little effect. Then I made a connection to Overestimating My Capacity and Underestimating My Needs. And sometimes I overestimate my needs and underestimate my capacity. So there’s a lot of *disconnect* here, between what I do and what I get, what I think I can do and what I think I need.
So what I’m asking for is some way to use this insight, some way to find the balance and clarity around effort and effect, capacity and needs, knowing when to keep going and when to quit…
Ways This Could Happen:
It could just come to me in a dream or a vision or a moment of shivanautical insight.
Since the answer is often in the question, I could figure out how to ask the question.
I could set things up for perfect simple solutions to find me.
My Commitment:
To be patient and loving.
To be open and curious.
To journal a lot.
To use the Book of Me.
Thing 2: Revue!
I want to compile notes on the VPAs and Chickens, goals and gwishes, things I have learned, and how things have gone this year.
Ways This Could Happen:
Easily, with love and curiosity.
With dedicated time.
With gentleness — because I sometimes (often!) give myself a hard time because I knew something — I already knew it! — and didn’t act on it. It would be good if this Revue were gentle and kind and useful.
I could look for patterns and obstacles.
With spangles and sparkles, color, music, dancing, and play.
My commitment:
To be gentle and loving.
To find the useful.
To enjoy the process.
Wishing love and joy and playfulness to all.
Since last time: I asked for wonderful long weekend, and it happened. It felt wonderfully spacious, and there was time for business work, and fun time, and friend time, and exciting research. Very successful.
What I want: I’d like to continue to review past year this week.
Ways this could work: I could continue writing about it on the train in the mornings. I could just simply keep it in my mind instead of forgetting it. I could request the support of a classmate.
My commitment: To try to remember that I want to do it. To be open to the epiphanies in the process. To have faith that this is a worthwhile pursuit.
Thing 2: I have a dear and precious goal, and I’d like more information on what it will look like as it comes to life.
Ways this could work: I could continue to ask myself questions, and write about them, in the dedicated Google doc I have for this. I could close my eyes and imagine it. I could explore the many emotions that come up.
My commitment: To be curious. To try to allow it to appear, instead of pushing it to appear.
Good wishes for everybody’s VPAs!
UPDATE on VPAs from last week: Well, I have to say that my VPAs almost went Silent Retreat on their own. Hm.
Therefore, this week’s VPAs are *kind of* the same as last, but narrowed down to pieces of more importance.
Thing #1 – To Cat-Proof My Place.
Okay, of *course* I know that it is nigh-impossible to catproof one’s house. It is the nature of Cat to be scientific and see what happens if they do X. However, it is now OMGOMG 7 days until Lovelyman moves in, and I realized that almost everything else I’m lacking could be dealt with together but I want his cats be safe in the house the moment they arrive.
Ways This Could Work:
– Again, I could discover magic hiding places for stuff.
– I could give the vulnerable parts a force field.
– I could create a Bag of Holding.
My Commitment:
– To try to think like a Cat does.
– To be okay with potential breakage within the workspace.
– To figure out good protection for those things that are most important to me (the dog, my computer).
– To keep enjoying the happiness.
Thing #2 – To Ease the Pain Caused By My Magically Misaligning Hips.
Okay, hips. I’m not sure why you’re providing me with this at this time, but I would like the pain to ease up so I could hear your messages better, please.
Ways This Could Work:
– I could find the perfect blend of Biofreeze and stretching and medicine.
– I could figure out how to build replacement chiro blocks.
– I could figure out why my hips are doing this.
My Commitment:
– To experiment daily.
– To breathe until my insurance kicks in.
– To forgive my body its fragility. (Fragility is not a sin used to be a mantra of mine.)
– To love myself through it.
Thing #3 – To Re-acquire My Superpower of Focus.
I’m still not doing half as well as I wish to at work, and therefore I am asking for an old Superpower back.
Ways This Could Work:
– I could practice, practice, practice.
– I could use the Art of Embarking more fully.
– I could invoke it and see if it “takes.”
My Commitment:
– To let the halves of my brain converse with each other.
– To play with the aspects of Focus I want (includes [attentive]+[knowledge]+[intuition] etc)
Thing #4 – To Ease The Terror.
I am intensely scared of my Important Project. I am asking for Ease.
Ways This Could Work:
– Some “Hipgnosis” could clear it. (yay Simone!)
– I could discover a way to massage the Source of Terror to relax it.
– I could invoke more Superpowers.
My Commitment:
– To ensure I create safe space.
– Again, to forgive fragility.
– To Draw On The Threshold.
* * *
Loads of love and well-wishes for everyone’s VPAs, particularly the Silent Retreat ones.
Happy pre-December!
You know, just a few days ago I packed a wooden cookbook stand I rarely use and thought, “This would hold the PLUM open nicely, I wonder if the Playground could use this?” Did I read your mind or did you read mine? Heeheee! Don’t know if it’s just what you’re looking for, but it’s yours if you want it! I’ll set it aside during the unpacking 😀
Silent retreating my own VPAs. Love & heart-sighs for all! <3
Oh my dears, the VPAs!
It appears that despite the best of intentions, I did NOT VPA last week.
So no reporting.
But I did get several things I was gwishing for, so this is good.
This week: Two more excited, wanting souls for Hundred and a Half.
I have a thing. It’s an experiment. It has curious scientists and everything. It’s about faster coaching than usual. 30 minutes instead of an hour. 3 sessions a month. 3 months. Go!
And because it’s an experiment, it has limited spaces and a fabulous super low price.
I am VPAing for the right people who are excited and a little impatient, and really really really want to change something soonsoon.
Ways this could work: I can post it in all the usual and the unusual places. I can talk about it here. I can post the link
My commitment: to continue to be excited about everyone I already have in the program. To talk about it in a real way in places that feel right. To tell people who might want to know. To keep my boundaries and my limits. To yay a lot. 🙂
VPA the second: Portland magic.
I am dancing with Portland the Elder…or at least the idea of Portland the Elder. I would like some magic in this dance: just right things and places and times; a sense of possibility and wonder and hope; balance with home.
WTCW: I have no concrete idea. Just that keeping moving is part of it.
My commitment: to pay attention, to be present, to nurture what I love.
VPA the third: PINK! I want to see what else I know about pink. I want to have more pink. I don’t know what this looks like.
My commitment: to keep my eyes open.
Okay, I’ve been super weasely about whether I really want to join in the VPA ritual for a loooooong time now, but I think I’m ready to dip my toe in with a wee ask.
Thing I Want: A food processor
I want a food processor that has multiple food processing powers. It has super powers like pureeing and shredding and chopping and dicing. It also has the super power of being dishwasher friendly.
Ways this could work:
-someone could give me one that they’re not using anymore
-someone could just give me one, as a gift
-someone could give me the money to go get one
-I could choose one that I want and ask for it (for Hanukkah?)
-I could choose one that I want and use money I already have to buy it
-I could choose one that I want and set aside money in regular increments to buy it
My commitment:
-to use it to make delicious food!
-research food processors so that I have a clearer sense of what I want and what the price range for it is
-embrace the wanting
-talk to the monster that is mocking me for wanting a Thing I Don’t Need
(1) A final paper topic (and the wherewithal to write it in the next 15 days!).
WTCW:
My teacher could like the one I’m kicking around.
I can ask him for help and suggestions.
I could find something interesting in THIS week’s readings.
I could reread my posts for class and see if there was anything I felt strongly about.
I could remember that it doesn’t have to be original, it just has to be coherent. (THIS IS SO HARD.)
My commitment:
To be excited about ideas.
To be open with my teacher and ask him for input instead of trying to fake it.
(2) Some new perspective on spending.
WTCW:
I DON’T KNOW. Abundance could just come to me. I could feel I “need” less. I could want less. I could put things on hiatus, just temporarily. I could repurpose things.
I could get more clarity about the desire underlying the buying. To solve? To protect?
I could think about the paradox that not buying frees up money–that I’ll have more buying ability (and therefore feel less pinched and deprived) if I don’t buy things.
I could swear off eBay and craigslist. I could institute a 30-day waiting period (on everything besides holiday gifts and a couple pieces of craigslist furniture…oh dear).
My commitment:
To spend some time with the numbers, like I always do?
To try on the crazy clothes I never get to wear (silver jacket! blue blouse! copper sequined thing!) before I/instead of buying new holiday-party ones.
(3) To get jazzed up about exercise. To see a plan, not be overwhelmed, not perfectionist myself out of business.
Ways this could work:
I could…magically…not feel hopeless.
Free videos could keep me from worrying about *committing* to something.
This could become a special, fun thing that I enjoy doing, instead of something I have to jam into my schedule to prove that I’m not a hopeless self-sabotager.
I could welcome the break from mental stimulation? (But I already have cleaning for that! Sigh.)
I could go for daily walks while I figure out what kind of “real” cardio to do. (Oh!! A temporary half-solution while I mull better ones, instead of nothing until it’s perfect!)
I could spend money on it. It probably needs investigation that the idea of doing that makes it seem more like a treat, but also feels impossible to justify or do.
My commitment:
To try to show my body some love.
To bring my exercise accoutrements home.
(4) Mission!!! I’m sick of being the one behind the desk getting excited about other people’s ideas. I want to be interesting to myself and to others in a mysterious “right” way. I want to have new ideas. I don’t even know what I’m asking for. OK, I’m asking to understand what is lacking.
WTCW:
Journaling about it. What does it look like?
Talking to people about it.
Looking into some once-exciting projects to see if I feel the spark again?
I could set taking classes as a financial goal.
I could find an environment that supports creativity to try to grow that part of myself.
I could read REFUSE TO CHOOSE, really.
I could make time for exploring during my break from school.
My commitment:
To listen to my friend Katie when she tells me I’m young and have time.
To say, “I have time.”
Once again, feeling the VPA love…
What I want:
I want to accept my body the way it is this week. I want to eat healthy food, and yes, even work on making it a smaller body, but love it just the way it is now.
Ways this could work:
That little wise place in me could speak louder this week… I’d like her to, if she’s up for it.
My commitment:
When I hear myself judging this bod, I will remember to say not now. This week I am just accepting. This body is great the way it is.
xox
WIW:
Love the Flailing and brain-melty. Love feeling the bing! all the new connections. LOVE the ways this is connecting with my spiritual practice, specifically The Lord of Crossroads LOVES the Flailing and is being very present with the new neural infrastructure and this is a very deligthful Fractal Flower! Positive joyful feedback loops everywhere!
more of this please!
WTCW:
Well, I could Flail every day. which i’m doing already
i could include him more in the rituals around Flailing
MC:
To Flail! To find new ways of tripping myself up! Level One Vertical Arms and Squares…plus the Ramones! Take that, yu dastardly learning curve!
To view the Theory parts of the video. To invite him consciously to be part of it when I Flail.
and to scribble thngs down because i’m starting have a hard time keeping p with all the Bing!
Yay, Simone and the insights! (Is that just one guy?)
I said hmmmhmmm the other day and no one got it! My recent transition out of the Playground was smooth (and crafty and floral!), yet I have these lovely flashbacks to remind me.
I learned that lots of people dread this part of our spin around the sun–where we make up for less daylight with more presence and presents (in my Fantasy Planet view, anyway). I do have a gwish for being ok with giving gifts (aack! chance of unspoken failure and kiss-up reputation).
But I realized my one gwish was already answered: to have a Playground-like little community playing with how to express themselves and their projects. Turns out my Toastmasters club is a safe and supportive place to connect, share stories, try out ideas (when they’re a little grown up). It’s a lot cozier than public speaking may seem.
I also gwish for my “not working” to feel different at the source–light, fluffy, integral–than my previous “not working”. It’s OK if it doesn’t, of course. It would give me something to be curious about. See, no dead cats.
I am so grateful for VPA amnesty. Better late than never!
What I want:
To find joyful ways to move my body/raise my heart rate and practice those ways on a regular basis.
How this could work:
-I could start playing with the language of this like I did above. I don’t have to call it “exercise”.
-Realize that I already know a few joyful ways to move my body: folk dance, swimming, etc.
-Find out how to incorporate those joys into my life on a regular basis.
My commitment:
I will talk to myself and ask how I can encourage myself to do the activities I like to do. I will consider if there is something holding me back from increasing my joy.