Advice-Giving mode:
“Have you tried…? Why don’t you just…?”
Implied: “Have you considered that my way might be better?”
Helper-Mouse mode:
“What do you need? How can I help you get what you want? Can you give me more information about how you’d like to feel?”
Implied: “How can I help us get even more clear about what’s important to you?”
Right now I am filling a safe room with the essence of SHELTER. For every part of me who does not wish to be told what to do.
And I am filling another room with PEACE. Dropping all unrequested advice-givings into this room so they can dissolve and transform. This room knows about the core intention of helpfulness. Helping without any hidden expectations or attachment.
I am setting expectations and releasing expectations at the same time. The hardest and the most important practice.
We all have our stuff.
We all have our stuff and we’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process. There is nothing wrong with us for having stuff. We get to interact with it in ways that feel safe and comfortable, at our own pace and in our own way.
Hint! If you think this post is about you, that’s your stuff! If you feel anxious reading this, that’s your stuff! If you aren’t sure what it means, that’s your stuff! It’s always our stuff. And we always get to learn more about how our stuff works. That’s what we do here. With love.
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thank you, someone else understands that people telling you what to do to get better isn’t always helpful
Beauty! Spaciousness! Clarity!
Oh, mmmm, mmm-hmm! Considering a new, broader definition of advice.
Not long ago, I asked on Facebook for some advice on solving a very particular problem. One of the responses I got back, which I believe was kindly meant, might have solved a related issue (not mine), but was worded in a way that pushed a hundred buttons, all horrible. Just HORRIBLE.
I had thought it would be fun to get a huge grab-bag of ideas, kind of a Barbara Sher idea party, but it was a total shoe to the back of the head. And I’ll most likely never ask in public again.
So now I am thinking about my own communication. In my blog in particular, I do write about things I think may be helpful. And I use language like “you might try xyz, if it speaks to you.”
But perhaps even more care could be taken. Looking at this now. So thank you!
Yes yes yes.
Hmmm. Mm-mm-mmmm.
Shelter and peace and quiet and space for “i-who-does-not-wish-to-be-told-what-to-do”
after a ‘meeting’ (in the wrong sense of the word) a few weeks ago, all my monsters have been active and all my scared selves have been hiding.
and i was about to let the monsters be active for a while and yell it out but now i want SHELTER first
YES!
Thank you Havi.
wow. i’ve been feeling weird and uncomfortable and needing to write about it but not knowing what it is and so i came here and, of course, you’ve identified it.
my mom died and i’m sad and i don’t know what to do next.
this is making everyone else very uncomfortable and they are trying to “fix” me.
i don’t think i need to be fixed, i think i need some time. in a safe place.
thank you and love, love, love
kim
Thank you. For being here. For being you.
I am creating a safe room for my stuff. It has pillows and blankets, and oh, so many teddy bears. And definitely mashed potatoes. And soup.
Ugh to the ‘why don’t you’ people – I know they mean well and sometimes their suggestions can be interesting but it’s usually just annoying. I get it a lot because I have a chronic illness. Yes, I probably *have* tried your clever suggestion and if I haven’t, it’s because I know my own body and what you’re suggesting will make me feel worse. Or you’re suggesting some anti-scientific bullshit that I don’t believe is worth my time, energy and money.
Also, big sympathetic cuddles to Kim, so sorry to hear about your mom, that must be very hard, especially since people are not giving you the space and time you need to grieve.
That is a very very useful summary. It makes clear to me why sometimes I get it right when I try to help someone, and sometimes I don’t. Thank you.
I am going to build a shelter for my tiny sweet thing. In it there are spy goggles for peeking out without letting anyone look in, a roaring fire, and lots and lots of pillows for lying on and hiding under.
Kim: wishing you time and a safe place. Each person deals with loss in their own way, at their own time. Peace.
Gwishing for superpowers of receiving the love and concern held inside the advice.
And releasing their discomfort, their sense of being threatened, their need and desire to try and make things (including me) other than they are. None of that is my stuff to be responsible for.
Although it is understandably human. Both things.
So, gwishing also for humility enough to respond to my hurt feelings with a helper-mouse attitude of service, so I can get on with seeing the truth.
(Doors everywhere… This is me in pain. This is your pain seeing my pain. This is my pain at your attempt to alter my pain and yours. What do I do now? Respond from my pain, or from the big love…)
Kim, wishing you safety for whatever you need to do to be with the hard thing that losing a mom is. Blessings.
Thanks so much for the support here — makes me feel all warm and safe.
Blanket-fort safe, if you know what I mean. And I think you do… 🙂
This is very useful, and it completely changes the dynamic of “giving yourself good advice”.
Also, I am reading Havi’s post on “Structures and Shelter”. Very useful as well!
I would like to print out the first part of this on postcards and hand them out to pretty much everyone I interact with!
So. Freaking. True.
I have stopped asking my husband’s advice on anything except things are 1) absolutely his expertise AND 2) I truly have no freaking clue. Because even his best advice always ALWASY sounds like “well, duh.” In fact sometimes he even says “duh.” at the end of it.
Even the tone of voice feels like a shoe.
One of my favorite poems is by Stephen Dunn called “Some Things I Wanted to Say to You,” in which he says,
worry about the command/
in the suggestion
I have always worried. 🙂
Here’s a blog with the full text of the poem, for those who are interested: http://beautyabounds.tumblr.com/post/980373396/some-things-i-wanted-to-say-to-you
This is so mightily helpful. Yet again. Love.
I came back to find this post. “Advice-Giving mode vs Helper-Mouse mode.” Thank you.