In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Hey, Friday. Good to see you.
I’m getting better at remembering how this works.
Slowly, slowly.
Friday is picking up the Mercury. Friday is closing tabs. Friday is stretching to candlelight. I like you, Friday.
The hard stuff
The weekend.
The weekend was just really, really hard.
I’m going to silent retreat on the details, but hard hard hard hard.
Things that are lost and keep staying lost.
What an awful feeling.
Especially when you’re beyond beyond beyond beyond tired. Because then you can’t even begin to retrace your steps or figure out where something lost might be, or if it ever was there to begin with.
Not having a document that I need.
And then uncovering an old, painful stuck pattern at play that I totally thought was taken care of.
Not feeling strong.
There’s a certain vibrancy or vitality that cannot be present during depletion, and this is not fun for me.
My body really wants to move, and it’s also not ready to yet.
See also: that one dance class where I single-handedly demonstrated what it looks like to crash and burn ridiculously hard in public. With style!
When one thing isn’t working with my body, all the other forms and structures that hold my life together change too. Still trying to figure this one out. Getting closer, but sometimes close isn’t enough.
An uncomfortable realization.
It doesn’t translate well.
But basically….
Things are like this! I want them to be like that! But this is not news! But I still don’t like it! But I haven’t found a way out yet!
So this is what I’ll be playing with this week. Skipping stones, writing an OOD, finding out what I need to move through this.
The good stuff
The lost things found themselves.
They just appeared.
It was bizarre, but I am happy about it.
The superpower of Not Being Even Slightly Worried About Anything.
It didn’t come in the form that I was hoping for, but it’s still a really big deal.
At least now I know what that feels like. And the next step is to recreate that sensation without the accompanying tired.
Better news than I had even dared to hope for.
The bully from the Playground building is gone.
For good.
And I didn’t even have to do anything.
He removed himself.
The lease for the new space: it is so very close to signing!
Everything is looking great. The last round of lease negotiations went well, and I am feeling very excited. YAY!
Physical therapy.
That’s what Metaphor Mouse has me calling massage lately, so that I’ll actually set it up and make it happen.
Anyway, I had a spectacularly great physical therapy session this week.
Related: metaphor mousing saved my week.
I got lots of metaphor help this week, and it changed everything.
Meditation (something I love but often avoid) is now glow sitting.
LIstening to a yoga nidra recording is now internal sparkling.
Playlists for teaching are now secret soundtracks.
The process of “setting expectations” is now coming into the Practice Studio.
Anyway, metaphor mouse is how I got things done this week. And now I’m doing more of what I like, since changing all the names.
Spending time with my body and giving it loving attention.
A gorgeous partner yoga session (with Danielle as my partner).
Long, slow, old Turkish lady yoga at the Playground.
Magical, deep, circular yoga using symbols and words, also at the Playground. Something I invented after doing Shiva Nata. It was beautiful.
Progress.
Learning much more about how I want to live.
And about what needs to change.
Coming up with the perfect metaphor for that.
A brilliant session with Carolyn (remember when we had hackers?), and then help from Cairene too.
Also this helped me put up my castle in the Wish Room, and that made everything better.
Presents for the Playground!
Thank you thank you, everyone.
Extra thank yous to Laura and Foxy Jess!
The fun part of the Chickening happens here.
From the archives.
Some old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:
- I am Resistance Mouse!.
- The second time I got fired.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is brought to you by Max, who is amazing, and who was at the last Rally (Rally!).
Sequencing the Chipmunk Genome.
They’re really loud. Except when they’re not.
And yes, rest assured that it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
- You still have a chance to make it to a Rally (Rally!) in either March or June. Or September. Pretty much everything else is sold out.
- There’s still HALF OFF on tuition for the magical Floating Playground. Good through February 5. That’s already Sunday, impossible as that sounds. Being at the Floop will be like Rallying Rally all the time.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
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Oh Havi – I’m sorry the hard was so hard, but hooray for progress and playgrounds and metaphor mouse!
This week was so very mixed.
The Hard
I’m still oddly tired/sick/not breathing quite right. And I’m craving pampering. And I’m getting stuck on how to bring qualities of pampering into my day, which is odd and annoying.
I’m overwhelmed by my volunteer position. There’s a whole feral colony, and a nice but eccentric old lady, and a city official and paper work, and then three other calls that I just can’t do anything about because I/we don’t have the resources. And I can’t just walk away and hide, but this week I really wanted to.
The Good:
I have a Play Space!! I asked after Sunday’s VPA, and we rearranged and rearranged, and I have a little corner all of my own. And I drew a treasure map and played with mod podge and everything!
Three more chapters de-tangled. So much more to do. But progress!
We launched a tiny thing into the world – and I think (gwish gwish) this will be all fine!
I asked for help with one of the cat situations, and someone stepped up! I must practice this more.
More mindfulness, in the sense of “This is where I am now and what I’m doing now, and all those other worries can wait until I’m in a place to do something about them.” Which may not be exactly mindfulness, but it works for me.
Hugs and sparkles for all!
Ah, Friday!
The Hard:
The good:
The pedicure I got yesterday. She kept saying “do you want to add this?” “do you want 10 more minutes of massage” “do you want minty leg scrub?” “yes, yes, yes.” mmmmm. And hello pretty pink toe nails that I didn’t think I needed!
I ran on trails, twice! And today I will join the gym so that some days my friends and I can run together.
The dentist today! Clean teeth, and talking about fixing this or that.
A surprise day off yesterday, with lots of finding the perfect things to buy (clogs and running skirts!)
The Hard:
Restlessness and discontentment.
The Hounds of More kept telling me that I wasn’t in the right place, doing the right things. Whatever I was doing, it seemed like there were about sixteen other things that needed my attention.
Homesickness.
I love our new apartment, but I really, really miss our Kansas City neighborhood. There were quiet streets filled with little bungalows. A crazy scrap metal sculptor who lived around the corner from us and sat welding odd creatures in his driveway in the evenings. Small front yards filled with gardens that people tended, not mowed. Sidewalks everywhere! Neighborhoods with crazy-fancy estates that you’d never want to own, but were sure fun to look at. I feel a little stranded in suburbia right now.
A wild blood chase.
Despite informing the blood donation center in Kansas City that I’d moved to St. Louis, they still called to see if I wanted to schedule an appointment. I assumed the address they gave me was in St. Louis, so I drove around for 45 minutes looking for a nonexistent street address (unless you’re in KC). I called to complain (nicely), which was not as satisfying as I’d hoped.
Money stresses. Which mostly got resolved/alleviated, but are never fun.
The Good:
I’ve all but gotten the job at the St. Louis Art Museum that I applied for! It’s a part-time assistant mount-maker job; just enough hours to keep me occupied and engaged, not enough to lead to burnout. Plus, new learning curve + new people = good for Julia.
Even though the sidewalks here are sporadic, I can walk to our bank, two grocery stores, a few restaurants and…the library! I got my St. Louis County library card yesterday and a few books. I haven’t read in so long. Time to dive into something yummy and get lost for awhile.
Two artist dates! I went to the botanical gardens and the zoo this week, enjoying the unseasonably warm weather. I started taking pictures again and I feel like my creative well was refilled. Plus, hanging around animals always = good. The zoo here is free, can you believe it?
My overall physical well-being is better. I had a horrible day last week when I ate too much gross Chinese food too fast and then wished I could take it all back and cried when I knew I couldn’t. I said “NO MORE” and so this week I’ve been a lot more slow and conscious about how/what/when I eat. I’ve also been (gently) active almost every day; I seem to be having some success in dealing with my overdoing-it-and-then-spending-three-days-recovering pattern.
A lovely and restful weekend to all.
Chicken!
The hard this week:
Some tricky places where I didn’t get what I wanted because I didn’t know what I wanted.
I was tired a lot — like, regular, boring, not-enough-rest tired. Not even meaningful or interesting tired!
Headaches. Not a good week for them. Ow.
Those meetings! They are full of people I love who are planning a thing I am deeply committed to and adore. And yet, the meetings always feel overwhelming and fractured and contentious.
Still in the sometimes-I-cry-when-I-talk-about-this part of grieving the loss of a big, important corner of my world.
One of my close friends has an awesome new job. Which is awesome! Except now he’s difficult to get a hold of, and I miss him. And he’s connected with the corner of my world that’s gone, so I’m feeling extra-worried about losing my connection with him. And I’m feeling guilty about raining on his parade when we do talk! Big bundle of hard.
The good:
One whole entire day off. AMAZINGLY awesome.
Time magically appeared for me more than once! And one of the times had a nap in it, which made everything better.
Writing letters! I’m mailing one thing a day this month, and so far it is 110% as awesome as I had hoped. Mail is great.
Not-knowing-what-I-wanted in one place helped me get all kinds of clarity in another.
I figured out that my crazy food plan was too crazy for me and then I quit it.
After visiting the Mirror Pool, I found a super-great safe room underneath my castle. It’s a cave guarded by an eagle with a tiny passage you crawl through to get to it so no one can ever sneak in, and a window food magically comes from like in Star Trek. I love it.
I think I have found a sneaky solution to The Vacation Problem (TM).
Hard:
–Monthly female stuff. Wham. These are the days when I really want to take it easy, but there are times when I just can’t seem to give myself permission to do that.
–Oh, money money yawn what else is new money money ack.
–Need to get better systems in place to keep the kitchen in better order. At the same time, I sometimes fear that no matter what I do, it won’t be enough.
Good:
–Taking an e-course on business-building, and feeling very inspired and hopeful about it.
–Took a lovely trip to a wonderful music store, where I played with guitars and ukuleles and banjoleles and Celtic harps and hammered dulcimers. I didn’t play with the sitar or the small koto or the harmonium, but I surely admired them!
–Lots of good work on conscious entry and exit.
Happy weekend, everyone!
Happy February Friday
The hard
-trying to fit stuff in and feeling overwhelmed
-a silly decision sunday that was so hard to make
-killer headache tuesday followed by cough/cold
-sickness led to me retreating, disappointment for me and others
-missed movement due to sickness
The great
-imbolc– halfway to spring + massage
-pretty sure I have the nicest in-laws in the world
-combined deep listening practice with entry/exit awareness–awesome
-lots of remembering to practice self compassion
-bought material for new ECD gown
Wishing happy weekend to all. M
I aspire to have some style when I crash & burn in public. Not there yet, unless puffy teary eyes can be considered a style.
This week… hmm… odd week.
The hard:
– Still in the weird limbo place, where time acts funny and there’s just not a lot of forward motion. Wednesday was eight days long, it seemed. It’s almost like I have no idea what to do when I don’t have impending deadlines.
– Despite all that free floaty time, I didn’t do much of anything from the list of things to do when there aren’t other things to do. Guilt, even though I know that I probably just needed a spaceout week.
The good:
– The Mirror Pool! It’s glorious and magical and makes me even more excited for the Floop!
– A couple of wonderful meals with wonderful friends.
– Metaphor Mouse is a superhero! I spent some time noodling about some stuck stuff and boom! Magic!
– Ramping up for a new business relationship. Excited nervous energy.
Happy Friday, Chickeneers!
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard:
– The Monsters of Doom telling me I was too stoopid to figure out a very specific task I’ve been given from the Higher-Ups
– Sucky traffic making me arrive 35 minutes later to work than I was planning … which means only 25 minutes to get an hour of stuff done
– A week of Grocery Store Apathy (it’s just one guy!) resulting in no decent food to eat
– My campus is closed today due to snow so I can’t get into my office to retrieve something I need
The Good:
– Today is a snow day (!) so I don’t have to make my commute and my day long workshop tomorrow is also cancelled
– Teaching is going really, really well
– We’ve put a deposit down on a fabulous new apartment and are set to sign the lease tomorrow.
– The Monsters of Doom were so wrong and I totally nailed the task
Hard:
* conversations with Time Is Running Out Monster
* You’re Not Making Time For People Who Matter right behind him, making snarly faces at me
* Resentment Monster jabbing me again and again and again
* feeling flabby, compounded by feeling hugely resistant to the class I have a voucher for
* parking lot for the neighborhood vegan restaurant an absolute nightmare. Was terrified I’d either end up in an accident or witnessing one trying to get out of there.
Good:
* My book has a web page now. And ISBNs (three of them!). Wheeyay!
* Now is not Then. Consciously practicing compassion, patience, and curiosity toward various patterns. It’s freaking exhausting, but when I can manage it, it’s feeling far more productive than stewing in “Here we go AGAIN.”
* Finally catching a Wooten Brothers gig. Happy grooves.
* The partner and dog making me laugh.
* Being able to reassure the monsters that I don’t have to fix or finish everything this week or even this year.
* Permission slip to keep deferring the class, and perhaps simply to let the voucher expire. (…Maybe if I think of it as a book or dress that looked good to me a year ago, I could let it go?)
* 99-cent Wednesday at Goodwill. One new-to-me shirt, two winter dresses. Score!
* Slightly Future Me is also thanking me for the clean towels and stir-fried komatsuna she’s going to enjoy this weekend.
Wishing everyone good things in abundance, and the space and time to enjoy them.
Havi! I love, love, love the newest work of metaphor mouse! I might steal them. This week I am finding myself missing the Playground extra hard. Here I go.
The hard:
+ Gaaah! Overwhelm and burnout. They have hit me now. I am in it. Oh. I’m in it! (Hmm.) Let’s interact with it. I am saying hello. Hello, overwhelm! I recognize you. You’re trying to protect me. Let’s try to figure out how to make each other happier.
+ There were a few concentrated moments of being cornered by Shame monsters and This-Is-All-Going-Up-In-Flames monsters. So hard. Rahhh. Lots of hugs and massages and loving energy for all the sad, scared parts of me. Sending them to the refueling station. To lie in my corner (it’s my corner!) under the hammock, of course.
+ I mostly have a good relationship with my website and we’ve gone through a blissy honeymoon period recently. And now we’re avoiding each other again. Time to talk to it (and the part of me that talks to it) with love.
+ HipGnosis. Even though I am a certified genius at it, I go through times of feeling like a complete non-genius (for no reason!) and it is really hard for me to feel so LOST. What can I do to love those scared parts of me who don’t remember that I’m a genius and give them what they need?
The good:
+ All in all, a pretty damn magical first-week-out-of-the-9-to-5.
+ So. Much. Shiva Nata. Seriously the flailing won’t stop!
+ Lots – a dizzying amount – of progress on the thing that’s been brewing FOREVER. And the similar amount of progress on a thing that’s completely new. Yay! (learning: things take lots of time. more time than I think. but then, also, they take less time than I think. PARADOXES!)
+ Lots of quality socializing! Even though I am depleted now, that was super fun while it was happening.
+ I learned a bunch of things about color and design from my genius friend. That was really fun.
+ SINGING! And music! is the best. More madrigals! More baroque!
+ Falling in love with the spouse-person. Again.
+ All of this week, I slept like a rock. It was incredible.
+ The superpower of being able to interact with my stuff, which is the greatest superpower of all time and for which I will always owe my unending gratitude to Havi and the Fluent Self mice.
Actually, this was an incredible Chicken. I had so many realizations. I’m going to go have lots of conversations with parts-of-me and metaphor-mouse some things. Yay! Happy friday, everyone.
Hello everyone! Hello Friday. So much love to all of you!
The Hard:
– Aligning my relationship more strongly with sovereignty,and what that means for both of us.
– Things changed for the better, and now there’s unexpected grief for all the past pain that thinks it’s lost its home.
– Having a lot of difficulty accepting where I am right now in a few areas of my life. I would rather be somewhere else.
– Falling apart pretty hard core a few times.
– My body hurts. Everywhere. But mostly my neck. Also, my hands have started going randomly numb. That’s lovely.
The Good:
– Feeling so much momentum.
– Everything changed for the better!
– Really happy with some changes this week to my website, and with a video I recorded that is awesome sauce.
– The superpower of focus! I didn’t so much ignore the people throwing objects-resembling-shoes as I refused to let them break my focus on the experience I was trying to create. And they came around. Like, really really came around. Like, think I’m fabulous beyond belief. That was unexpected.
– I got paid! A fair amount! And it felt so warm and nourishing and right. It’s made everything I did this week so much easier.
– Teaching Shiva Nata to little kids is BRILLIANT! They’re not in their stuff about how good or not good everyone is, so I’m not in my stuff about hurting people’s feelings, so we can make it *deliciously* challenging. I was doing four or five different words, the numbers, addition, and subtraction for every position with *six-year-olds*. Level 2, with legs. SO FUN.
Hello, Friday!
The hard:
:: A very very very hard day. That is all I want to say about that. Though I did tell the pup that he is my greatest teacher, but it seems rather unfair sometimes that my learning has to involve so much pain. For both of us.
:: A painful epiphany.
:: I was taken out by a leash. In a parking lot. In front of at least three people. My leg is not thrilled about this.
The good:
:: Given the epiphany, it is rather a miracle that I have managed to make any progress at all on my business in the past year and a half. Yay, me! And then the magic of Shannon’s coaching helped dissolve the stuckness, so now life feels full of possibility and love.
:: I introduced my latest offering! Which I love. And which is important symbolically, so I am happy happy happy. Also, I celebrated with two sunshine-filled photo walks with the pup plus ice cream, which was a lovely change from my usual pattern of ignoring what I’ve done to focus on what I haven’t.
:: Sunshine. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live somewhere where sunshine in winter is more ordinary than celebratory, but there is something about the fun of dropping everything when the sun comes out.
:: Ice cream.
:: Dear friends.
:: Magical photos.
:: The anticipation of upcoming movies that I think I will love.
:: My favorite furry friend.
Rhiannon – the Shiva Nata sounds so wonderful!
Ah, this week.
The hard:
Still some residue of the sick and tired, and having to collapse into bed one afternoon this week.
Being in or drawn into others people’s stuff, and feeling guilty or blaming myself for them having stuff.
A hard situation not made much easier my some of my stuff running amok with the whole ‘this hugely painful thing is happening again! Doom!’. With extra doom.
Something stressful and boring being somewhat stressful and boring.
Sleeping weirdly (or something) and ginking up that muscle in my neck/shoulder again.
The good:
Feeling so much better, like this deep dense fog in my mind + body + heart is lifting, and today, finally woke up and for the first time in three months had energy + enthusiasm. Amazing!
Treating myself to lunch in my favourite cafe to mark the official end of my MA.
And then going for a gorgeous walk and seacape expedition along the beach. Featuring actual leaping for joy. (Ah, so February is the month of leaping.)
And then finding some gorgeous orange roses and being able to buy them with a voucher I had for the shop. Yay!
Crazy awesome meditation insights, including the soul of my business telling me to go and photograph seascapes and then as I was doing so about a gazillion epiphanies about how this shows me exactly what I need to do and is also super fun + relaxing.
And a discussion with what I thought was a monster, but it turned out that it was the heart-soul of novel in disguise. Oh, and she’s a leopard-print wearing burlesque queeen.
All of this so far is mainly from today. Other good from the week:
Sleeping!
The adorableness of my cats!
Watching finches in the cherry blossom tree!
Giving myself permission to snuggle up in bed and watch Wallander rather than trying to Do Stuff 15 hours a day.
Reading the Wind-up Bird Chronicle!
Realising I was being surrounded by a monster hoarde and listening to them, and stopping and drawing and colouring the wee snicket beasties. Angst dissolved.
Realising that other people’s stuff is in no way my responsibility and understanding this in my whole being.
Feeling very grateful for this week, and especially today.
I haven’t chickened in a really long time. I also haven’t journaled in a long time either. There is probably a relationship there.
The Hard:
-Monster headache consumed the whole left side of my head for 2 days.
-A lot of commitments made this week challenging as far as self-care went.
-My slooooow dog has arthritis. He’s quite young, so it feels even more unjust.
The Good:
+PUPPIES. We will soon have one. We visited the litter of 7 gorgeous fuzzies for the third time last night. A few more visits before we can take ours home!
+My body has shed several inches and is quite a bit stronger due to regular sweating the past few months.
+Started therapy again recently. Think I like the therapist.
+Teaching and tutoring are going quite well.
Hi Havi, I hope you start feeling better so that your body can cooperate again. I know how frustrating it can be when your body doesn’t want to do stuff or wants to and can’t.
And everyone, I hope the goods outway the hards or that the hards lead to more goods. 🙂
The Hard
* sore throat three days in a row and now a stuffed up head. My fingers are crossed that it’s just allergies thanks to the unseasonably warm weather we’ve been having.
* A friend telling me my brilliant idea is not brilliant… which I think she was trying to tell me it was not fully thought out.
* After finally running for the first time in like a month, my whole body was sore. Particularly my legses. For several days.
The Good
* Break throughs and what I think are brilliant ideas.
* Finally being able to see some of my dreams become reality.
* reaching my JanNo word count goal on 1/30/12.
Friday! It is super-amazing to see what everyone has packed into their weeks! It looks like everyone’s week should be describing a month. Mine might too.
Oh, week!
Hard: Being super psyched for an idea, thinking I would push it past scanner-disinterest… and finding out that just wouldn’t happen.
-Not interested in that other job. anymore. oops. shedding incongruencies? monsters are convinced it’s lazy-awfulness on my part.
-An enthusiastic start to February that already has me feeling over-committed. But I made no commitment!
-I ripped the favorite comfy pants! Oh the Woe!
Good! There are more of you!
-Idea Crush (that has since fizzled). Is there anything more fun the plotting to take over the world with magic? (I think I need to metaphor mouse this one so there is NO MORE feeling guilty for planning empires and letting them go)
-WHOA reading! I’m ambivalent as to the use of astrology/tarot/etc. The two I’d gotten in the past were split, helpful/unhelpful. But I’ve ended up with 2 so far this year – and both said outrageously wonderful things WRT this year for me! So, YAY! as well as hello monsters, lets talk about this rationally?
-Making and posting movies! of good ideas. Getting kind comments.
-the blog! it is resurrected. and I feel much, much better about it. suddenly.
-being a “pro photographer” less exciting then it sounded. but new audience (?) for SN!
-“this was my favorite yoga session – all the work difficulties just fell away” <3<3 clients!
-imbolc. I knew nothing of it, and then I researched and did. And I lit candles, quietly and sneakily. And I was startled out of a dream by an intense image of brigid.
This week was long, and I'm sure I'm forgetting things… but now it is weekend huzzah!
Giving myself permission to Chicken before doing laundry before packing! Yay!
Doing the good first, because I like it that way! 🙂
The Good
– Having the whole week off! And it was the perfect week to have off because I am consciously exiting the past year (I have decided to define my own year based on my birthday, which is next week, as opposed to January 1st). This gave me lots of time to Revue! With spangles!
– Closing a door that I didn’t know I wanted to close, but then having an epiphany that now is not then and closing this door will lead to the possibility of another door to open. This felt so ridiculously right.
– Buying a bunch of happy tulips! Yay tulips!
– Getting the most delicious smelling lilac candle, and then lighting it during non-sucky yoga. So good!
– Discovering hot toddies are the perfect thing for a cold! Which brings me to…
The Hard
– Sick! Ack! I feel like so many people have been sick recently, and I was thinking that I didn’t even remember what being sick felt like, so the universe thought that meant I wanted to remember! Good on you, universe! 🙂 Not being able to breathe is annoying. Also, I’m going out of town tomorrow, and this cold has totally sapped my energy to do all the things I need to do to get ready for that!
– Having a little break down, but (yay!) discovering how to create a perfect little refueling station for myself. So this was actually more of a good thing in the end!
*blowing bubbles to all the Chickens*
The description of the Floop as Rallying Rally all the time gives me tingles and makes my heart hop in the best way!!!
Hello to the chicken! Which I keep calling the Chicken Nata in my head, because why not?
The Hard
– Broken garage door. Not my fault, but my monsters seem to think so. The whole happening is filled with: unsafety, cost fears, mess, coldness, assorted other monsters but mainly dooooooooooom and fear. Sad me.
– Two big moments of being in my stuff, when that girl asked me a question and when that guy kind of loomed over me. It was really, really hard and sometimes holding up my boundaries is painful and scary and ugh.
– Things not working. The not-working of things. It was everywhere, as was my related sad and woe, even after they got better.
– Sleep woes. The toddler regressing to the point where she only goes to sleep in our bed, again. It’s a solution, yes, but it’s full of hard.
– Misunderstandings that really hurt. Destuckifying and still hurting.
– Seeing my friend in pain. Worrying that I wasn’t helping.
– Three words: iTunes synching woes. Yup.
– Feeling disconnected from another friend, and being unable to voice it in the moment. Related was the restaurant that was very much the wrong restaurant. The Wrong Restaurant Waiters came onstage at precisely the wrong time, but maybe it was actually the correct time, since that’s what they do? Anyway, it wasn’t very fun. Only the name was.
– Pinkeye and assorted other bacterial things camping out in various bodies that I love.
– The Tuesday doctor woe. Ugh so much pain and awfulness, I could barely be in it let alone process it afterward.
but meanwhile…
The Good
+ Going slow. Writing about it as a helper-thing that made it better and easier and deeper.
+ Getting something I wanted, which was full of delight and play and fun and feeling special.
+ Candlelit dinners full of amazingly delicious food thanks to my favorite cookbook, Super Natural Every Day, and our co-op box which always appears with the right ingredients.
+ Taxes, Episode IV: A New Hope. (!!!!!!!!! So much excitement and relief is hidden inside this one.)
+ Productive days despite the week’s considerable speedbumps.
+ Magic ease-filled things: camphor in the humidifier, going to sleep in the nine o’clock hour, and sick day schedules falling into place.
+ Figuring a thing out! And the relief of understanding it and releasing the hard stuff around it.
+ Sunshine!!! Making dates with the sun. Crushing out on the sun. Awesome.
+ Working so hard to build a Friday full of: meditativeness, white space, monkitude. It’s working! Thanks to my Thursday VPA and an OOD and assorted other awesomeness, thank you Havi xo
+ Difficult email: meditated, written, sent. Hallelujah!
+ Getting Penny’s sickness sorted! And making an awesome Medicine Chart to help us all remember.
+ Trading cookies to an old friend for season 2 of Sherlock, and then sobbing my eyes out after I finished the season. Yes, this was a good thing. Catharsis and release.
+ Hello, February! Writing it, thinking about it, printing it and putting it in my book. I also love a good midweek clean slate. Thank you, February! You already rock!
+ Outrageously Comfortable Tights. Both the epiphany and the silly idea and the decidedly awesome reality.
+ My superpowers this week of: sunshine and delight, and getting lots and lots of both! Lovely.
Cheers, Friday. I bow to you for being awesome and for helping me feel awesome. What a lovely way to close out the week!
Hello Friday, hello chickeneers,
This was hard:
– Tired, tired, tired.
– Minus 10°C.
– Unsure about how to balance time (or lack of time) issues and energy.
And this was good:
– Husband back from unsafe place.
– Weekend was so relaxing, gemütlich, full of togetherness.
– Went to see my therapist after way over a year and it was a good and helpful session.
– Signed up for my totally beloved yoga retreat and now I have something I am sooo loking forward to.
– An e-mail that means a lot to me.
– Went to a yoga class despite the urge to just go home and of course it made all the difference.
– I have a doctor who is an angel.
– Bright sunshine.
Hi, Friday. I’m happy to see you.
The hard:
-Depression-ey things going on
-Lots of tiredness
-Running into the wall that is my capacity, and not liking it
-Missing people
The good:
-I have Shiva Nata with Simone this weekend!!! Eeek!
-Melissa
-My other wonderful supports
-Sweet blog readers and clients
-A new coaching client, whom I already adore
-Fun with photo editing
-Starting MBCT tonight
-Days of doing nothing, my absolute *favorite* new non-activity
-Understanding.
It’s odd: this week has felt incredibly hard, and yet my “hard” section is very short, and my “good” section is very long. Hm.
A happy weekend to all.
Hard:
– Have you seen 2 people trigger themselves into a pattern? That wasn’t fun. Being the recipient of another person’s projected stuff and pain by having them throw shoes at me isn’t fun.
– Seriously considering what is next, related to the above. Removing myself completely at this point really is the only option (all other options tried so far have kinda sucked and not worked). But this is full of hard and the next step isn’t clear. And part of me desperately wants out now. But. Everything else works fine and is safe. So I am going to keep sitting with it for a while and maybe sneak around to see what openings I can find.
– A little scare that I may have something that is not quite wanted at this point in time. Luckily, the answer was no.
– Found two new patterns, one particularly unflattering. (see: ‘ugh, I am like that? Oh no!’)
Good:
+ Found a resonant name for a thing I’m working on (did I mention this last week? Oh well, still worth yaying about).
+ Found two new patterns to work on.
+ Quietly put up the mailing list for my 2012 enter every fabric contest project on my art-ish tumblr.
+ A Lego convention in June!
+ Playing the piano.
+ I may have found time containers and I way of doing things that will work for me. Testing it out and taking notes for the next few months.
The hard:
Big worry about loved one and the appearance of the Responsibility Monster. My core monster.
Getting stuck with destuckification because the Responsibility Monster is so scary. I guess just being aware of that is a step.
Frustrating conversations with medical offices.
Being overwhelmed. Needing a break, no break available.
Figuring out next steps in new sweet thing bringing on oh-no-this-is-real stuckness.
Impatient for more sales from new website. Scared Failure monsters.
The good:
Session with Catherine Caine! She helped me sort out my new sweet thing! I know what to do next!
New CD from Dave Carter and Tracy Grammer. Dave, one of my favorite songwriters, has been gone for years now, and I thought there would be no more from him. A gift from beyond death.
My talented piano-playing sister learning the pieces my dad played, and playing bits to me over the phone.
Lots of progress on the launch, flyer designed, addresses found.
Reading aloud with sweetheart.
I got stuck in my index, went to take a nap, and as I was falling asleep not only figured out why I was stuck but composed a blog post about it!
Happy Week to all the chickens!
@ Jesse – Chicken Nata – fantastic!
CHI – kening- how’s the energy?
The good:
* A first of many Focusing workshops today – feel like home.
* New people – wasn’t so scary this time
* Have committed to more vulnerability. Was able to find that edge where I’m safe and choosing to be vulnerable where connection deepens a few times today.
*Son found work that may be a match for him and some money too.
*Someone showed up after 30 years. A chance to be different and pay attention to the old me in a new way.
*Reading Brene Brown’s I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME, about women, shame, self-compassion and all that good stuff.
The Hard:
*Pushed my HSP self too far and needed too many days to recover – lost focus and lost time to do what I like to do. Oh Yeah, that.
* Fear – lots of it.
* Realizing that the reason I don’t like any pictures of me is that I don’t want to accept what I really look like.
Judgment much?
Hello sunny Friday
The hard:
Not enough of my right people walking into my studio.
The sensation of being ‘stuck’ creeping into my thoughts and vocabulary way too often.
Cheeky monkey brain hindered my focus and forced the ‘to do’ list into hibernation.
Loneliness. (different from being alone…which I am quite comfortable with…except when I’m downright lonely)
Judgemental with myself lead me to being judgemental with others (Shocker!)
The GOOD:
Being introduced to this Awesome website called Fluentself!
Moshe Feldenkrais and his amazing method of somatic movement education.
Great visit with a good friend while enjoying fantastic beer.
A lot of downtime to rest my body and soul.
Falling asleep on the floor with both of my dogs curled up next to me.
A few of my right people walking into my studio.
Practicing the art of ‘allowing’
Gratitude as a basis of neutralizing fear
About the bully — My beloved but dearly departed mother-in-law used to say about unpleasant people “I don’t want anything bad to happen to him, but I wish he’d just not be there anymore.” I’m so happy that happened for you.
The Hard:
Apparently, it took all of January for me to recover from the holidays. (singing the lalalalalalalalaIcan’thearyou song to the Oh Just Get Over It Already Monster)
Love of My Life and I are both having workplace Hard. Silent retreat on details.
LOML’s chariot needs expensive repairs.
The Good:
A purring cat on my shoulder
Possibility
Happy chickening, chickens!
Speed chicken:
Good and hard
there was (very minor) water damage from a leaking pipe in the wall of my condo (between mine and the one next door) however, the management company decided this was a Big Problem, brought in their insurance company and now I’m getting a new kitchen and bathroom – which is AWESOME – however the uncertainty and all the stuff to move out of the way and such is hard.
I got to do the production for a show with the Wenqin Arts Troupe from Zhejiang University of Hangzhou, China. 18 undergrad and graduate students who were totally delightful and really amazing – it was a bit crazy, but a total joy to work with them – and their level of professionalism and passion is over the top.
(and the requisite picture of me with a bunch of the performers http://instagr.am/p/nt8DI/)
I also got to do sound for the Wolverine Jazz Band – which is always a great party, and it was.
and more good stuff I’m not even going to list – true awesomeness..
QUESTION:
Havi or anyone else – recommendations for yoga nidra recordings?
@Andy — not to be, like, self-promotion-y, but I’m launching my own yoga nidra recordings (and an accompanying e-book, actually!) in my Shop on Monday!
http://freckledbrilliance.com/theshop/yoga-nidra/
You know, just in case anyone is interested. (she says, sheepishly.)
Now I am going to go hide behind a potted plant.
I was not prepared for the homerunslide into Friday this week…
And oh oh Havi, So Much Love to you sweetie (since I believe this is the only thing you would want).
As for me?
Ouch Hard:
– I just spent monty on two things I was not sure were appropriate for Now.
– A house. A sweet and perfect house, with NOT the perfect circumstance.
– Work craziness.
– Unable to unpack a weird dependence on the lovelyman.
– Wait, I have issues with superpowers? WHAT. THE. HELL.
– Sudden Curse of Clumsy.
– WHY CAN’T I HAVE PURPLE HAIR OMG.
– The amazing house that costs more than we can logically afford.
Whee Good Woofs Woofs:
* oh, hey, I have a mission. It’s a GOOD mission.
* Being in love is awesome.
* Work is inadvertently awesome. How about that??
* Having a shared adoration with the lovelyman. (we both love the house we saw. Even if we’re in massive confliction about it, it’s shared. That is huge.
* Oh hey old writing characters, lookit you being all up in my brain 🙂
* Daily Enthusiastics.
There’s more, but, yknow. I send tons of glorious lovebeams to everyone!
Ow! the friday chicken got lost in internet space
silent retreat!
@ Hannah: maybe your chicken is off having an adventure, as one of mine did a few weeks ago!
Monday I was thinking about Chicken Sandwiches; tonight it’s Chicken Pie, because, OMG, pie! The good and the hard, mixed together, surrounded by a flavorful crust …
Hard:
– Feeling/being rejected by people I don’t want to be connected with anyway, so why does it matter? Old patterns, stuff from Then.
– Sharp corners and sharp edges, physical and metaphorical. Wanting to take a hammer and/or file to the physical ones – worried about damaging things. Looking for hammer-equivalent for the metaphorical edges.
– Being isolated from MrB because of conflicting sleep schedules and the Thing I was working on. I was working upstairs and he can’t go up there anymore.
– My two busiest days were too busy; made more challenging by lack of sleep the night before.
– Pain. I started a very gentle exercise challenge that I hope will eventually ease some of the pain.
– Missed recording some Important Information because of the Thing I was working on, and now I have to catch up and there is Data Confusion.
Good:
+ Two whole days and nights upstairs clearing the clutter, de-piling the piles, and making chaos out of order. Chaos which I can now sort into a new, useful Order, instead of the random “order” of “oh, just put it over there.”
+ I bought a special clipboard for the Scientist to use for notes.
+ The Sandwich Gnomes provided me with nourishing comfort food. They were the Gnomes of Awesome Eating!
+ I slept when I wanted to, ate when I wanted to, took breaks when I wanted to, spent time reading, and still Got A Lot Done!
+ I didn’t encounter any monsters at this stage of the journey!
+ Identified a pattern of fearing what I’ll discover but not finding anything fearsome… it’s a projection of Someone Else’s Stuff that the Not-Good-Enough monsters bought into. I am SO documenting that! Book of Me!
+ A very productive morning at the bookstore café.
+ MrB and I went to the movies! We always enjoy it but we seldom go, and I don’t know why. Oh, yeah. HSP stuff. That’s why.
+ When I got stuck on the Thing I was working on, I watched the 45-second demo, had a snack, and then started doing what needed to be done. Just a little Shiva Nata helped me figure out the sequence of movements.
Much love to everyone; hugs for the hard, and hugs for the good too!
@simone
Thanks for letting me know! I’m off to check it out!
And you don’t need to hide (unless you want to…) I *ASKED* 😉
Andy
Cluck cluck y’all…
@Jesse – big enormous GIANT empathy with the Toddler Sleep Issues Which Wouldn’t BEEEEEEE an Issue If We Didn’t Live In A Society That Makes NORMAL Childhood Variations A Living Hell To Cope With Because We Don’t Have The Village And Without Seventeen Aunts And Cousins And Alloparents Around We Have To KEEEEEP GOING And Sometimes That Is INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT.
Sleep… It is important! I did not sleep a whole night through until Little Lad was nearly four years old. Add in pregnant peeing and that’s nearly five years in a row up at least once a night… And you try not to judge or resent it or want them to be different than they are because, you know, VARIATION… But when you have to go to work and function during the day… Errgghh… It is the suckiest.
So, sincerely wishing you every good luck with that. I hope she resettles soon and y’all can get some decent sleep…
Okaiiiy….
Hard
– life. It is intense. So many things happen all at once.
– death. Even when it is right and for the best. And family. Even when they’re all fine… you know, crazy and great and just themselves… Navigating with sovereignty and compassion… People… they are a weird mob…
– disconnection and pain btwn my love and I and reconnecting by entering into the dark history, pain, vulnerability, and….. ow…. culpability. Productive and necessary but not fun. And loooong night talking at a time I need sleep.
– Little Lad being not robust. It frightens me.
To see him completely and utterly exhausted by a normal week…. He needs so much more rest and recovery than other kids…
This is fine, it’s just part of who he is, but I would be so much more comfortable if his margin of health were not so narrow…
– my mother… I am worried that her health is starting to fade…. waaaaahh! I want my mummy!!! (you know the one who was beautiful and brilliant and perfect, not the one who is a normal HUMAN BEING!!)
– The Catholic church…. (as I experience it). Talk about an old boys club: they seem very good at saying ‘you’re not welcome, and you’re not welcome, and you’re not welcome, cos WE are GOOD BOYS cos we’ve stuck to ALL the rules so nyaaah’ and then sit there wonder why they’re lonely…. *sigh*.
– shame storms and scary projects being scary. Mostly because of the shame.
– Dragon-taming happened to a certain extent (aka opening and sorting out all the bills that have been piling up and being ignored)….
*sigh* Financial maturity, responsibility, adulthood: I will meet you someday……. in the meantime I am fortunate to be facilitated in my generalised financial childishness by someone who can still bear to make a household with me as I am….
Uggh – seeing myself with all my truly unattractive traits too…
– I still sound like I’m Preaching From The Mountain even when I don’t mean it to sound that way…. ‘Voice’ and the finding of it…. only way out of the not-good-at-it-yet is through it, i know.
However my If-At-First-You-Don’t-Succeed-Give-Up and also Failure-Equals-Probable-Death-Therefore-Try-Nothing stories/monsters have strong feelings on the issue. They grumble and thrum in the background like tinnitus.
Also, I would like to have (find/make) time for writing better/more coherently/ cogently/ lucidly/ carefully, but… my life… it is full on! Hopefully the recipients of my preaching have enough sovereignty to receive the intention and let go of the HIGHLY imperfect words…
– my practice contractions are getting quite frequent and intense and I am starting to suspect I have forgotten how much giving birth actually HURTS and what I am IN FOR!!! Ha!!! Oooooh… shit…. that’s right! OMG!!!
Also I bruised my tailbone during the Spectacular Stunt Driving Fail and you know how long that can take to heal? So I’ve totally attached my anxiety to that and am busily getting nervous that it will all mean that it end in CATASTROPHE!!! Or at least cesarian. Which would be a CATASTROPHE!!!
Goods
+ life. It is intense. But, as Goddess Leonie said (did you read it? Go read it!) Life: It is pretty much the best thing ever. Yes. This is true.
+ death that is quick and painless and timely and sets someone free. And care that has enabled a few years of dementia to be as dignified and comfortable as possible. Nurses. They are the best.
+ my in-law family. So much great and crazy and random and just great. I like them a lot.
+ love, and reconnection and belonging. Also Love Potion #9 😉
+ Little Lad is exhausted because he is spending so much more of his time IN the world and engaged and learning and getting lots smarter verr fast and NOT spending so much time (at all!!) in quiet, predictable Autism World where so much less gets in….
This is so, so, SO good because he WANTS love and connection and belonging as much as every other human being and WANTS to be in the world and DOING stuff…. but it has been hard for him because the world is So Intense.
+ Many things pointing this out: life – it IS ebb and flow, ha-tha, sun and moon, sthira and sukha (sp?), inhalation and exhalation, action and integration, fastness and slowness, receiving and releasing, waves endlessly, endlessly endlessly, and as long as we are ALIVE we have the perfect reminder of this truth in our breath even if we forget because it is so omnipresent. I see my infinity symbol ‘mantra’ like a rollercoaster – slow climb, followed by fast slide…
+ I am facilitated and don’t have to face the consequences of my generalised financial childishness. Lucky!!!
+ Theology and ‘subversive’ (ie. SOVEREIGN) meaning making when employing the old texts. Which I LOVE to do, for some weird reason, even though Old Man In The Sky conception of divinity is not even part of my cosmology… Like, I think I want to read ALL of Paul’s letters!!! Me!!! Say wha??? Still, it’s good fun and I like it. Huh… who woulda thunk it?? Yet, apparently this is so. I am a weirdo. And that’s okay with me!
+ the best Thxthxthx post I’ve ever seen (have you seen it? Check it out!) I quote: “Dear Heart, thank you for containing the word “hear”. It’s like you come with instructions.” So true! I love it!!!
+ soon I will not be pregnant. This will be a good thing. My baby is leading Occupy Claire and heartburn and swollen hands and feet and getting kicked in the guts etc is fairly uncomfortable at this late stage… So, due date is getting nearer and that is good.
I have totally overused my fair share of comment space (who me?) with this chicken but it was good. Cluck cluck.
And, good night!
I need the amnesty today, I misplaced Friday!! – it’s a Saturday chicken!
The Hard:
Sick (a head cold but y’know, still sick!), but the ‘You’re Just a Fake’ monster wouldn’t let me be and ganged up with the ‘Don’t Make a Fuss’ and the ‘You Die Broke’ monsters and made me keep working even harder than usual.
Sore eyes and too much typing so the dyslexia kicked in & made everything even harder.
Losing things – see above (dyslexia!)
Being observed teaching – Hello, so that’s what let the “You are Just a Fake’ monster in!! Makes sense.
Being totally HSP all week and having 2 sets of builders in the street. Argh! Why do people need loft extensions???
The Good:
Lots of work got done, some that wasn’t needed just yet but that’s still good.
Got out the Monster Colouring Book and did some deep colouring. Never fails! Working extra hard when ill is an old pattern so it was good to recognise the monsters and to know they were trying to protect me.
Worked on ‘then is not now’ and giving that me who liked to be sick a safe room to hide in.
Spicy hot apple juice, but very diluted so not too sweet. Woman’s Energy Yogi tea,
My teaching observation went well, I think, (throws salt over shoulder, crosses fingers, spits etc.)
My January people (Hello February!) finally started to work together, phew. I was worried about them.
My lovely man, who knows just how much fuss to make of me and when to step back and not fuss.
I feel like I started this week really pumped and energized, but by the end I mostly felt bedraggled and clawy.
Hard Stuff:
+Being around other people got really overwhelmy
+A book I was very excited to read turned out to be a great let-down
+Someone else’s sovereignty got all up in my sovereignty and it was super awkward, rejection narratives, invoking of Not Taking Things So Personally superpower, etc.
+Struggling to see the gifts of incompletion
+Shouting into a tunnel and barely even getting an echo
+Transphobia. UGH, I hate that.
+Racism. UGH, I hate that too.
+Itching.
+Realizing that The Thing I Stopped Doing is really gone
+Falling off the edge of Project Infinity and waiting to get back on again
+Stressing about losing my eyesight
+The [Cheater Of The Oppressed] situation, trying again to invoke the NTTSP superpower…
Good Stuff:
+Sold a pair of handwarmers!
+Tarot readings!
+Writing my Hello, February letter!
+Launching with Starfleet Fiber Arts Corps!
+Crocheted a big pile of seashells for gifts
+made some new friends
+good journaling and Monster coloring
+melty, melty brownies
+lots of Shiva Nata
+coordinating Operation Cookbook Reboot (even though it was also Hard)
And my fake band of the week is: I’m Not Wearing Any Broccoli.
Mmmm! A loving full-heart sigh for chickening and chickeneers. I love that this is here. Thank you all.
Hard stuff
– coming back from Rally. Oh, the transition, it was not entirely smooth.
– living with someone having a very hard time right now, and whose hard time is being expressed in some extreme ways. Oh, boy. Probably have to silent retreat.
– lost one of my favorite earrings. Fat gold hoops from India. Too expensive to replace.
Good stuff
– husband came home from two weeks in California, slid into bed, and found my earring! YAY!
– My band got a gig at the Meme Beach House! They never expected to get so big 🙂
– Inspired by Havi’s link to Urban Frum’s beautiful Shabbos tables (http://www.urbanfrum.com/2011/12/uf-home-fearless-urban-shabbos-table.html), I acquired some gold chrysanthemum placemats: http://www.didriks.com/Chilewich-Dahlia-Tablemat.html?sc=12&category=25618. They are beautiful, and make the table feel so…. I don’t know! Like Henry VIII. It’s the Field of the Cloth of Gold up in here! INORDINATE excitement.
Well! I love you all. That’s it really.
Oh, and as for bullies, there is this lovely old Spanish saying: a enemigo que huye, puente de plata – in English, “to my enemy, a silver bridge [on which to walk away from me].”
Yay for the self-propelled departure of bullies!
Gonna have to silent retreat this week, I think. But even though I’m feeling very resistant, I did want to “show up” and keep going.
Three cheers for Metaphor Mouse!
sending love out to all and giving myself amnesty to only write about myself!… i’m totally in comment-overwhelm mode here…
The Hard:
– made a decision to not push myself to go to the gym this week as much as usual, which was me being kind and loving to my tired body, but it was hard to deal with the backlashing psyche that suggested i was fat and out of shape.
– more back pain. even though i know we need to be in a conversation for a while, it still hurts.
– feeling indecisive all week about what i needed on the weekend, with the subtlely sneaky pain-inflicting implication beting that i *should* psychically know what i would need in five days time….
– feeling exhausted by friday and not surrendering to it.
– feeling too far from my niece
– the fears that came up that tried to seduce me off my path…
– finding out that i have to attend to another bureaucratic glitch that i thought i had resolved…
– writing the scary “art news” letter, but realizing in the end that i’m pleased with it….
– getting caught in “not differentiating very well” mode… ugh..
The good:
there was a bunch of it….
– switched up and started painting in the morning.. putting creativity first! yayy!
– not needing the immediate hit of feedback from the world saying ‘yes!” we love what you’re doing.
– making an amazingly easy decision for myself about how i want to spend my energy in regards to one very specific situation.
– several drawings that have helped me to sort through the pain of “not differentiating”…
– i tried a new gym on thursday and without too much indecision decided that i hate it.
– had some much needed girl time, and recognized the need for it.
– finished a painting!
– did the Remembrance challenge all week and it adds so much to my questions about why i dont’ feel “supported by something bigger”
– found space to put a little more “surrender” in my days….
– slept well most of the week.
– let myself rest and sleep in this weekend.
Hello February chickens.
Hard:
Teh Tired.
Losing a whole day to migraine.
Very Old Dog getting older.
Feeling like a lump.
Finding out 13 yr old needs a root canal. Having to wait until the 14th for his appointment and watch him have pain in the meantime.
Good:
DH took off work early to take son to school on the day of the migraine so I could sleep.
Sparkly new fingernail polish.
Realizing that I can yell pretty much any random G rated phrase at hockey games and no one will know the difference. This week was “Fish custard!” and “I’ve got blisters on my fingers!”
We still have transitional health care so the root canal is paid for. (that is a really big one)
Waking up every morning and asking myself how I want to enter the day. It is helping.