In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
You guys!
We signed the lease this week. FOR THE NEW PLAYGROUND!
Which has kind of had the effect of erasing everything else from my brain.
Let’s see what else happened. In this incredibly wondrous week of lease-signing!
The hard stuff
Sometimes people say cruel, hurtful or ignorant things.
They don’t mean to be mean.
Which can sometimes make it hurt even more.
Sometimes people don’t take responsibility for their stuff.
And then they try to hand it over to you.
This is not fun.
Sometimes it’s also really awful.
Two different people felt the need to dump their pain on me this week in two very different situations.
And then they each wanted me to agree to take responsibility for their pain.
That part actually bothered me more than the pain-dumping. Own your stuff, people.
Matching pain.
In one of these situations, someone else’s hurt was a good match for my hurt, and so our hurts interacted. His pain reminded me of my pain.
The result of this experience was that I got really disconnected from myself and from the thing that needed my attention.
In the second situation, the other person’s pain did not at all trigger my pain, and I was able to respond compassionately to her.
But that still took the better part of a work day, and I have pain about that.
And I’m also experiencing pain related to how deeply I want to see people putting the skills that I teach into practice. Because when people can take loving ownership for the fact that their stuff is their stuff, which is the essence of sovereignty and lives at the heart of so much of my work, they don’t need to blame or lash out. But when they can’t get there, I perceive that my teaching hasn’t landed yet.
My stuff. Working on it.
Getting myself into a situation I couldn’t get out of.
Like the fox in the video game, I needed an exit, but I didn’t like any of the available ones.
Not going to do that again.
There should really be a name for this phenomenon.
Someone I dearly love had a bit of a meltdown and let it leak into my space.
Or really: I was the one who let it leak into my space. But only after it was intentionally brought to me in a form that I didn’t need to receive it in.
Meeting someone in their pain and setting loving boundaries at the same time is really hard.
Things that worked really well then are not what is needed now.
That was a big theme this week.
Someone said something to me that they did not need to say to me.
And then I cried for three hours.
Because my biggest stuck-fear-core-issue-thing is the fear of being misunderstood (and that tragic things that my monsters are sure will happen as a result).
This was a giant case of someone misunderstanding my business, and that was painful.
The good stuff
Effortless efficiency.
Things got done this week.
With magic and ease, just like the Director said they would.
The chrysalis.
I removed all the obstacles, and made it happen.
Three days and three nights of communing with the Director.
This was the most incredible thing I’ve ever done.
She said that we would be connected when it was over, and she was right.
Steady internal guidance.
The Director was with me all week, telling me what needed to happen.
She was right every single time.
It makes decision making way easier when you already know which way you’re internally pointing, you know?
All the right people.
An entire crew came together.
Four nights. Of uninterrupted sleep. In a row. YES!
Knock on wood.
May this beautiful thing that is sleeping again just continue to be present and make my life easier.
Giant shivanautical epiphanies.
Lots of Shiva Nata this week.
And lots of brilliant sparkly ideas, followed by deep realizations about why.
SIGNING THE LEASE!
The new Playground space is ours!
It is stunningly beautiful. It is exactly what I dreamed and more.
It is massive. It is magic. It is the culmination of the last several years of internal work and practice. It shines and hums and glows. It breathes love.
And, just like in those dreams where your house has extra hidden rooms, it has an extra hidden room that I had thought was just a tiny storage closet. Yes.
The superpower of Nothing Is Wrong.
So the guy who vacated the new Playground really did a number on the place.
Breaking a bunch of windows taking out air conditioning units, ripping out light fixtures, stuff like that.
But I invoked the superpower of Nothing Is Wrong, and stayed calm.
And then nothing was wrong! The owner of the building is putting in new and nicer windows, and also letting us come up with the new lighting concept.
I remembered that things can work out well. I didn’t go into my default “oh crap oh crap why does this always happen to me” stuff. I made safe rooms for me-from-then, back when things really were wrong.
And throughout the week I kept noticing dozens of things that seemed like bad news whooshing themselves into good news. Still shaking my head over this. It was awesome.
Everything from The Crossing is coming true.
In October I ran a program at the Playground called Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage. Password: haulaway
It was the most incredible thing I have ever taught, and some seriously indescribably miraculous experiences happened there.
But there were two big wishes that I planted there and played with: one was getting this space, and the other was the superpower of Nothing Is Wrong. Really and truly knowing that everything is going to be fine, even the things that don’t seem fine.
So this week both of those things came into full effect.
I planted. They showed up.
And now I can’t wait to find out what’s going to happen next.
Tu B’shvat and the secret Day of Play.
Wednesday was the birthday of the trees!
We had nine wonderful Rally (Rally!) graduates playing at the Playground Caboose (which is what we’re now calling the original Playground).
We ate dates and figs and almonds and hazelnuts. We played with our projects. We napped little naps.
It was beautiful.
And THEN something completely unexpected happened.
I took everyone from the play day on a tour of the new Playground space.
Because these were exactly the people I would want to get to see it first.
We each took a stick of incense and wandered through the space, writing qualities and drawing symbols on the walls and in the air. Whispering secret words of love.
Then we stood in a circle and sang to the Playground.
We sang a song from Rally, and our voices reverberated through the giant empty space, filling it with love until our adoration touched every corner.
If there were words to describe how intense of an experience this was, I would use them now. But I can’t.
I’ll just say that this was one of those transformative Moments.
We sounded like a choir of angels. It felt like the whole building was singing back to us. I will remember this moment forever.
And more Shiva Nata.
Because why not.
I taught a crazy fun-hard-fun workshop for the Guns N Rollers last night, and they were awesome.
Epiphanies to follow!
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is for my new favorite bartender.
Missing Kat
They have sort of a rockabilly sound, and they’re super fun.
Though, of course, as you might have already guessed, it turns out that it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
- The February Rally (Rally!) is sold out. There are a couple of spots in March. The new Playground won’t be officially open yet, but I’ll give you a tour and we’ll play there too!
- We have a Facebook page for The Fluent Self — it’s a pretty fun place, full of lovely people. I would love it if you would hang out with us there too: Facebook.com/TheFluentSelf.
- The whisper-brunch is happening for the second-ever Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage! (password: haulaway). We’ve already had quite a lot of applicants. Also: I highly recommend signing up before I have a chance to put up the Over The Moonials from last year.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
L E A S E YAY LEASE!! :cheerjump:
The Good:
A wonderful week of work with perfect clients, and a clean office and much more clarity with the employee.
Running. I mean, filling out forms. I’ve been filling out forms for a week and a half or so. Nothing to see here. Move along. Going to fill out some forms in the woods later.
Hair cut today. Yay! I am waiting for it to grow out, but I would so love extensions so I can go back to pony tails and pig tails and buns and braids.
Cat snuggles last night! For about 15 seconds but she crawled under the covers and snuggled with me. Oh heaven!
The Dentist visit last Friday was actually good! (not just fake good like I posted before I went.) Despite not having been in 8 years, she said my teeth were really good. Hardly any scraping. Going back in a couple of weeks for pictures or something. Will ask about whitening and maybe a fix or 2.
The Meh:
People thinking that the appropriate response to funny posts on my cat’s facebook page is to give Dire Warnings About Dangers To Cats instead of posting “ha ha” “lol” or “like.”
@seagirl – hooray for kitten snuggles!!
@havi – the new Playground sounds so very wonderful – so much enthusing!
This week was good! Three wonderful, magical conversations/insights about me. Yet another easy, simple shift that changes a huge problem in the structure of a novel. Continuing high functioning force fields dealing with work bits that I used to allow to drag me out of the headspace I wanted to be in.
Even the hard was only sorta hard – crazy animal rescue calls ended up having simple, perfect solutions (if only for that moment, but I’ll take it!) Didn’t do everything I thought I would this week, but made a conscious decision about it, so wasn’t freaking out.
Hoping for all things wonderful for the chickeners! (all things wonderful that you want, and fit in your space – how’s that?)
Cluck cluck, yay lease signing and general hoorays!!! (Just realized that hoorays are like sun-rays except even more shiney and fun. Radiant hooos!! ….ah, yes… ahem….)
This week… Let me think….
Hard stuff
– life. It is intense.
– tragic things happen. Really really painful and hard things happen. Big corporations are (fucked!!!) not built on principles of humanity and treat people badly and with very little compassion. These things are hard and painful.
– the world is not yet full of people who know about non-violent communication and sovereignty… I find myself more and more aware of the huge cultural and language gaps between the world of the Fluent Self etc, and the everyday world. I’m not suffering huge allergic reactions but it is kind of painful and TRAGIC that not everyone knows this stuff already!!!! #pioneerblues
– apparently MY big stuck/hurt/pain is the not-being-heard Cassandra stuff. (Er, like the point above!) To always speak the truth and never be believed. To see what everyone else needs to see to save themselves, but can’t. To never be appreciated…. etc…. Poor old Cassandra-me… Not empowering or ENCOURAGING stories to live with… No wonder What’s The Point lives, like, right behind my right ear moping a lot….
– non-sovereign ‘help’. People: please ASK for what you need/want, and STATE UPFRONT what you can offer, and let people make up their own minds about how they can respond to those facts. FACTS! So much easier to deal with than your stories about what I’m capable of, what is or isn’t too much trouble, what I can or can’t be told/asked lest I feel [guilty]/[resentful]/[_____]. My responses = my responsibility. I’m a big girl, I can say no if you ask something of me I can’t deliver. And if I say yes and resent it later I guess that’s only really MY problem, mais non?? Responses. Responsibility. IT’S THE SAME DAMN WORD PEOPLE!!!
– Okay, maybe slight allergy developing to non-sovereign ways of doing things after all…
– I miss the stuff I miss about going to mass and being catholic… Wish I could have remembered the words better!
Good Stuff
+ funeral was good. You know, as funerals go. Astounding to think about a LIFE. A whole life: the good, the crappy, the vastly varied experience that all these different people had…
+ in a weird way I think everyone got what they needed, even though what some people appear to need opportunities to reinforce painful stories that are not entirely true… #peoplevary #besideswhohasntbeenthere
+ I wrote a new truism, which I think will be helpful when relationshit gets hard. (Also: please note my new word there, that’s NOT a typo, yes I AM very witty indeed!!). Ahem.
“Marriage: the first twenty years are the hardest!”
Not universally true I’m sure, but probably true enough to qualify for a place in the book of truisms. #meandoscarwildebaby
+ some dragon-taming work got done. Ugghh… interacting with Smaug is still scary and creepy… But what I did is done now… Done!!
+ due date waddles closer….
Much love all around. Cxxxx
Oh my God. Missing Kat. melt
I know, I’m not the new favorite bartender, so it’s just one of those beautiful serendipitous coincidences, but I was just thinking how much I would have loved to be with you on Wednesday, singing with you especially, if I were a Portland-local person (and if I were a Portland-local person, I would totally have been to Rally by now, at least once), and then to see Missing Kat right there on my computer screen…oh, Universe. Oh, Havi. You are both so wonderful.
Whew. Anyway. Chicken.
Hard:
–Valentine’s Day is on the horizon. I have so much stuff around Valentine’s Day. Even when I try to make it no big deal, the stuff filters in. I don’t need anything special becomes You don’t deserve anything special in a bewildering pink heartbeat.
Good:
–I’ve signed up for an audition for something big. It’s a longshot, but so what? Just saying yes to the adventure is enough. Win-win!
–Lots of good ideas for creative projects.
–I am lovin’ on myself, and this is a very good thing.
–Plus, I am loved. By lots of people.
Hello!
Best wishes & *blows fairy dust* for the chickeneers
The Hard
– camera
losing my beloved camera. with all pictures. ouch.
– drama
getting caught up in all kinds of drama. i had wanted to help and i really couldn’t. silent retreating on the details but there were some big demands on me. also: people i care about directly attacking my attempts to set up boundaries. etc. it was really really bad.
– email
receiving a commandeering email from the supervisor. and all the scared monsters jumping up to panic and yell. feeling like I need to work NOW. Also having jetlag. And feeling pushed and bullied.
– interaction stress/monsters
all of the above lasting all week and adding up: it’s hard to stay calm. to put it differently, i am just keeping my head above the water. and when i am tired, the boundaries are not strong and it’s harder to know what i want.
The Good
– parents & home
my dad picked me up from the airport. my mum got cake. ow ow i have great parents. also – soaking in the at-home-ness. just letting it be for a few days.
– a new room
a new leash! 😉 i have a new little room in a student house. I have collected a few small presents. I am feeling a good energy there.
More Fairy Dust
to everyone!
enthusing for the leash!
Happy Friday! Happy chickening! And happy lease signing WOOT!
The Hard:
– Stress headache/migraine thing. Sadmouse.
– Not getting as much done as i’d hoped. Feeling like I’m disappointing people I committed to. Recognizing the pattern of signing-on-for-too-much.
– Trying to have tea with Failure and Pain. Monster negotiators didn’t help as they weren’t quite ready for a sit down.
– Feeling the suffocating crush of need-need-need and feeling guilty that I don’t love being Bolivian.
The Good:
– Clients coming from out of the ether. Income!
– A writing project that I may say no to. Remembering to get in touch with SFM to see if projects are appropriate rather than desperately saying “yes! yes! Of course I can ghostwrite a novel in a weekend! Absolutely!”
– Being hurt but not lashing out. Using NVC to communicate why I was upset and figure out a path out. Standing my ground instead of being Resentful Martyr Mouse.
– Yummy books to read. And Chuck Wendig’s hilarious post on why writers are crazy, making me laugh till I cried.
– Being able to ask for help and get it. And get help before I ask for it. And actually accepting the help.
Mwah. Glad to chicken with you guys.
Havi,
Happy Playground lease signing and singing. Look, just move the G and signing becomes singing!!!
The week flew by, and here we are again at Friday Chicken.
The Hard:
Got caught in my “not good enough”monster and began to judge one of my clients unfairly (luckily it was internal and after our session). I realized that I needed his progress to validate my skills which I needed to then give me my worth. Getting untangled from pain and shame – working on it.
The good:
* working on my stuff, feels possible.More compassion for my vulnerabilities feels good.
*Love those Giants. Never enjoyed a football game before but I actually had fun watching this one.
*The magical coming together of an image for my business. The image dropped into my lap from a person I don’t even know and then when I asked permission from the artist, I got the most beautiful response full of permission and love. It made my week.
*Ease around organizing my time with barely any resistance or avoidance.
More enthusing for the great, the good and the happy,
and whatever you need for the hard, the hurt and the stuck.
Friday?? Why HELLO Friday! Goodness, I wasn’t expecting you so soon… which means chicken! Hi Chickeneers!
First, Havi, Loads of Love for the hard. Mmmmmmmmhappysigh for the lease signing, and YAYHURRAH for the lovely cleansing of the Playground!! That sounds so beautiful 🙂
My week of see-saw:
Ouch Hard:
– Still in limbo about House Quirktastic. Aaaaa wantwantwant! Waiting to hear back.
– Grinding teeth. Ouch.
– The NYC subway morning commute was a nightmare 3 days in a row.
– Trying to do a budget. Uuuuugh.
– Friend talking about wanting to save a loved one from themselves, and thus me discovering unreleased issues around the “save” concept.
– Feeling guilty about things I do not actually bear any responsibility for.
– Feeling guilty about brain-escape issues that happened during the week. It was like I had major corrupted sectors in my mind that made me forget or just blitz over aspects of life and friends’ lives that I already knew and it came across as shoes to some.
– More guilt about other things that aren’t even *directed* at me. Where’s the guilt-monster??
– Major “Outside” fatigue. Both the lovelyman and I get so wiped out with very simple and brief social/out-of-the-house things.
Whee Good Woofs Woofs:
* Not writing-writing, but writing-thinking-hmmming. It is good good good to have my brain back in those worlds.
* Becoming more sovereign at work.
* Beautiful Fluevogs in the mail, since my NYC store didn’t have my size. Vogs from Portland, no less!
* Learning about future-time reference in relation to language. More keys!!
* Yay magicking up safe rooms!
* My old VD-day issues are VERY quiet, hurrah!
* I am still so grateful for Daily Enthusiastics.
* 9-dollar snuggly shirts.
* Happy snuggly dog and cats.
Love and secret safe spaces to everyone!
Hooray, hooray on the lease!
The hard this week:
*I temporarily forgot how to get to my treehouse and spent all week needing a refueling station instead and felt cranky about that.
*Some really good attempts at communication still didn’t work, which left me feeling inarticulate and lonely.
*Tricky surprise about a time when I’ll need to interact with someone I have a complicated, hard relationship with. Grateful for the time to think about how to be sovereign in the interaction, but longing for more space.
*Iguana infestation. Enough said.
The good:
*Rest! I VPAed for rest, and I got a bunch of it. So good.
*And boundaries for rest. I made some and it worked out beautifully.
*Art in the mail! Twice!
*Music. I went to music school, which pretty much ruined music for me for a bunch of years. But I went this week to a symphony concert and just listened. Bliss.
*Just asking for clarity about a big thing made it clear! Love it when those things work, and now I think I know how to move forward.
Hard Stuff:
+had a couple of rough entry and exit points in my days
+awkward dreams (the sleeping kind) that I resisted engaging with
+contending with space limitations
+worried about my eyesight
+the irksome conversation with The Mothership
+Post Office anxiety
+forgetting about something I needed to be writing until kind of the last minute
+snow
+still trying to get back into my Project Infinity routine
+trying to maintain my independence in an interdependent world
+trying to make my own patterns even though it’s easier to use other people’s
+finding a comfortable temperature
+XTREME lines at the grocery store, aaagggh
+missing some old selves of mine that just aren’t me anymore no matter how I try to swing it
Good Stuff:
+receiving valentines!
+journaling every day!
+Shiva Nata!
+made a beautiful sunset shawl!
+new yarn!
+soared the puppet sale!
+hot showers!
+invented some new words (just for me)!
+making up silly songs about everything and using Audioboo to share them with my friends
+stepping into my identity as a craftsperson
+being around people who are enthusiastic about having me around and wanting to be among them
+having my opinion valued and being able to support peace education work from where i am now, using my right-now strengths
+Teaching Redefined class! (Still room to sign up! http://teachingredefined.com/)
+Operation Cookbook Reboot totally making my friend’s day
+Zero Inbox!
+Not going to the tea party (whew!)
+Shiitakes in the mail!
+Embracing My Evolution
+Tarot readings!
+Feeling the pull to Give
Ah, people who don’t take responsibility for their stuff, I know that experience all too well. I’m much better at recognizing when it’s happening, but keeping it out of my space is a challenge when they refuse to accept their stuff. Sigh.
The hard: stickers that won’t come off.
Waking up in the middle of the night (hello, Moonlight) and having a disturbing, haunting song in my head.
The good: new file boxes, yay!
Knowing when I needed to stop because I had done enough. Letting certain things be enough allowed me to attend to other tasks.
I’m so happy I’ve started chickening here. Reading everybody’s chickens is nice, but actually doing one yourself feels different.
The Hard
~ I’m dipping my toes in the water of art-as-business, and immediately got freaked out by tax stuff and business registration stuff and the department of revenue site that makes me simultaneously want to fall asleep and hyperventilate.
~ Still having issues around the not-working-full-time thing. I’d love to use this time for rest and play and self-exploration, but my anxious mind keeps telling me that I need to do something “productive”, even though it can’t articulate what that even means.
~ Food is hard. I would like it to be comforting and nourishing and supportive, but lately it seems to be full of pitfalls and restrictions and guilt.
The Good
~ I sold some art to my husband’s business! Even though it triggered all the freakout stuff, it still stands that someone wanted to pay me for something I made. Awesome. Plus I have another Secret Commission in the works for a friend.
~ I signed up for Jen Louden’s “The Shero’s Journey” on a whim, and the class/people are just delightful. I’m loving the Facebook page where we hang out.
~ Despite all the emergency bulletins from my overanxious brain, I got some serious body time this week. “Oh, you want a bath? Some tea? A walk? We can do that!”
~ This is a big thing for me. I really, really/i> wanted to join the Floop. But I don’t really have the money right now and I also have a history of signing up for forums/communities/classes that I don’t use as fully as I thought I would. I still have a lot of regret, but I realize that it mostly comes from she-who-is-afraid-of-missing-out and that maybe talking to her would be just as helpful as joining the Floop. But damn it sounds like fun! I have to trust that it will be an option when I’m ready, and be proud of myself in the meantime for not signing up for the wrong reasons.
Happy Weekend!
@clairp – hooray-rays! (it’s the verb and the noun of that sentence!)
@havi – thank you so much for sharing even the super-hards with us – as well as all your awesomeness! <3 hooray-rays for playground and director-havi-ease!
week! you are so great!
Hards:
…some very unsovereign mornings. i really wanted to start a new every-morning thing. but i always go for a walk with the gent. and he leaves at very random times. this is more a puzzle to be solved then a hard.
…a family member super mired in stuck, hard, unhappiness, grumbling, in no way sovereign. and i want to help so much, and feel like i have tools and goodnesses to do so… and don't know how to share them. and then i feel like an ass.
…i kept running just a tiny bit late this week. Dislike! hurried entry seems so wrong to me now.
Gooooooooooooooooods!
…whoa. Rhiannon's concept of Bear Time completely saved my week! great timing, perfect metaphor. I didn't suddenly start sucking, I entered Bear Time! This could have been in the hards, and wasn't.
…i did a LOT this week! i made stuff, and did important business stuff i’ve been meaning to for months, and put up more SN videos, and did yoga nidra and healing and… all sorts of deliciousness!
…i LOVE teaching. i think this has been in my last 3 chickens. it’s still true.
…yoga yoga yoga yoga yoga. it’s a song.
Hooray-rays to celebrate the goods and dry up the hards for everyone. HUGS
I plan to write my chicken later, but I read this just now and had to say: I have happy tears again in my eyes just reading about the awesomeness of being in the new Playground space and singing to it. Havi, just like you said, it’s one of those moments I think I’ll remember forever. It was so real and so magic.
<3 <3 <3 <3
Since so many people are saying it’s Friday, it must be so. Wow that was quick.
hugs to all the hard out there.
Oof, the hard:
-setting time boundaries and feeling cranky about what didn’t happen.
-several work deadlines converging, much squeezing.
-big internal reaction to an email discussion, quite painful and odd.
great stuff:
-realized big reaction above is the perfect place for working on my stuff.
-meditation space [in and out]
-started revising again and it feels wonderful.
-more artwork hung = energy humming.
-plans for a new tiara [not a metaphor]
-greeting newly noticed relationship doorway.
M xx
@havi–mazel tov!
all the chickeners–heart sighs!
the hard:
-a couple of craptacular days at work
-sobreity, non-sobriety, transitions of these
-argh! i hate tobacco! i hate tobacco smoke in my house! i keeping having to repeat this boundary, and i HATE being made to feel like a Bully and a Nag for asking my FIl not to wander around the house from room to room with a lit cigarette, or to leave them smouldering unattended in the kitchen.
-12 hour days
-major internal freakout re: Good News below
the Good:
-I got something I have wanted for 40 years, I was odffered a book contract. it’s not quite real yet, and has a large component of fear, resistance etc etc. and the monster chorus is in the wings. But wow. I still cant take it in.
-more spoons for the kids, more support from FIL, the Wolverine relaxing into a Badger
-more yoga.
-a change in theEntering the day, as requested. I relearned some kundalini moves that are gentle and integrated them into the Morning Sit
-glow-sitting! that phrase shifted a lot about my Morning practice, thank you!
-this Lunation has been about Finding Allies, and many new allies have revealed themsleves. it’s a lovely thing.
-it’s taken years of Affirmations, Intentions and failures of will, but i’m finally transitioning out of my addiction cycles with greater success
-talks with Most Competent Me have been helpful
-these past few weeks, I’ve noticed I do not read this blog as obsessively as i did a few months ago, but I will check in and hen go spend some time stone skipping, or slipping out to Treehouse, or following rabbit holes. or i’ll go make some art. It feels very Sovereign and strong, and I like how I’m turning to these tools very naturlly day by day, to solve issues and create Ease
-Pantheacon! One week!
-hearing from a Shivanaut! hooray!
Greetings, Chickeneers! Maybe it’s just me, but you guys all seem so wise and lovely and beautiful today. -o-
The Hard
– Being projected on/blamed. I want a way to respond to this that is compassionate but keeps me safe. And I’d like to be slightly more immune to doubting myself because other people seem so convinced I’m doing something that I’m not.
– Painful neck and back and arms. And how little anything seems to help with this ever. I spent three entire days lying flat on my back crying, and that sucked.
– Several very big meltdowns. It turns out that 1. physical pain + 2. anger (doesn’t matter about what) + 3. any feeling that I have no freedom = not wanting to live. Not like, suicidal. Just so mad at life that I wish I weren’t in it. And that’s hard all around.
– Nightmares/the big thing. Big scary thing trying to come out of my psyche and resolve itself. Very related to the neck pain, and to the anger. I feel out of my depth with this.
The Good!
– The person blaming me realized that they were and apologized and most importantly stopped. Also, I e-mailed an NVC savvy someone for some help with my communication skills, and I’m excited about that.
– A friend of the gentleman’s has agreed to help me with my neck pain and the nightmares and a few other things for free next week! She is coming from an approach that I haven’t tried yet. Which means it hasn’t failed yet.
– Last weekend was the best thing ever. I went on a hike, and then out to sushi, and then out hottubbing, and then the next day we went on another hike, and had a friend over for lunch, and won a giant pirate ship lamp from an arcade. And I didn’t get overwhelmed at all.
– I also met some people and we talked about my business and they decided I was wonderful and that never happens! A non awkward conversation! Being respected by people I respect! Meeting people I respect at all, just randomly out in the world.
– So many free massages this week. Thank you, universe.
– PLAY DATE AT THE PLAYGROUND! It was so so good. I cried. A lot.
– A thing about which I reluctantly and flamboyantly silent retreat.
– Clarity about going to Bolivia, and being able to take a few steps out of my woe-is-me story and into something a bit more empowering.
– Bear time. It’s the best thing ever.
– Following several really weird intuitions and finding the perfect boots in this crazy gross antique shop. The only shoes of any kind in the place, and they were gorgeous, and cheap, and they fit me!
– New rituals! Goodnight processing with the gentleman every day at 10p.m., and my appointment with “the books” on Friday. That’s today! It happens after chicken!
Well I certainly hope that is all.
Love love love to everyone!
So much rejoicing for the new Playground space. I’m so happy about that that my heart hurts.
Mazel Tov Havi!!
The world is better and brighter because you and your work are a part of it.
Really thrilled to witness your gwishes coming true.
xox
This is one of those Friday’s where I’m simply astonished that it is, in fact, Friday and not Tuesday.
The hard:
Could be doing without the screaming and shouting I can hear from next door.
Still not back to normal energy levels = zonking out more than I’d hoped in the afternoons this week.
Frustration about how slooooooooow progress on stuffs seems to be as a result.
Some hard scary feelings come up this morning.
Time yesterday and today just seemed to evaporate.
Something that sucks pretty much sucking.
Finding my shiva nata practice being either way too easy or way too hard, and having trouble finding the sweet spot.
The good:
Discovering some simply wonderful music.
Writing my favourite yet blog post.
Enjoying playing with new photography ideas.
Meeting up with a friend last night.
Realising that even though I think progress is super slow, that experience shows that this might just mean stuffs are happening under the surface or that maybe this isn’t the time for lots of stuff to be happening in the hard.
Paying for the Floop! today and feeling happy and grateful and trusting this is exactly the right thing to be spending money on.
Which is part of a bigger shift in how I’m feeling about money – feeling grateful instead of guilty and good about the exchanges I’m making. This is so ridiculously huge that it wasn’t even something I ever thought could happen. I just assumed that the only way to feel about spending money was horribly guilty and ashamed and it would be this way forever.
Ideas! Lots of them!
Going to my favourite cafe this afternoon for tea and reading something awesome someone sent me and scribbling my epiphanies down.
Ah.
Hard:
* massive abandonment issues are massive
* “you’ll always be second-rate / second-tier / second choice” demons also noisy in the house
* expending time and gas on a should in spite of everything in my system advising “this is no longer a good idea”
* frustration: feeling incessantly teased and nitted at for the things I’m not good at, and not feeling appreciated enough for all the unglamorous, less-visible stuff I tackle on a regular basis
* frustration: sparkly things beckoning, but they have to wait
Good:
* finally accepted the permission slip re binning Thing That Seemed Like a Good Idea a year ago but kept setting off my Not Right for You alarms
* friends receiving wonderful, well-deserved acceptances and opportunities
* being aware that I have a much better handle on my stuff (both logistical and emotional) than this time last year
* assorted messages and invitations: tangible rebuttals to abandonment amoeba
* progress on both projects and plans
Bonne chance to all y’all.
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard:
– The limbo of moving, where some of my stuff is in my current place and some of my stuff is in my new place and everything feels like a cluttered mess
– Realizing I’m a little behind on a few things that have hard deadlines
The Good:
– We signed a lease on a new apartment! It has everything we wanted in a new place and they gave us February rent for free.
– Using Pinterest to help make sense of some ideas in my head and to keep track of things … both in a very fun way!
– Yoga Teacher Training dates officially got moved which means I don’t have to cancel a paper presentation in Chicago
– Settling into a nice routine for the semester
@Leni: BOOK! Congratulations!!!
Good morning Havi and everyone! Awesomesauce on the lease! and good luck to everyone with everything.
The Good
* Much progress on my goals this week. This blogging about my goals thing is totally working.
* Committed myself to the writing
* swam Monday-Friday and ran an amazing 12 miles on Sunday (was not planning on running that far, but running part then walking the rest) blew my mind.
* Running felt good and meditative.
* I cleaned the bathroom (finally) so my husband cleaned the bedroom (also finally).
* the sun.
The Hard
* Had to pay in our little work weight loss thing because I gained this week.
* wrist pain in kind of trying to make a come back, despite stretching and wrist braces… not sure what to make of that.
* not wanting to work.
*
The Things that need reprocessing
* We did our first writing group thingy at my house. Which was cool, but we need more of an organizational plan. Working on this for next week. This was kind of chaotic. I’ve downloaded some writing critique templates and am contemplating having some sort of talking stick or something because man – everyone just tried to talk over everyone else. Not a hard, just an annoying. First time, so needs fixing. Or someone designated official facilitator?
Enthusing! for all the good stuff here.
Hi, Chickeneers. Mmmmmmm.
The hard
Parenthood is a true test of sovereignty. It might be easier to have kids if schoolteachers, school nurses, principals, and Willie the Groundskeeper could get up with the idea of sovereignty.
Also, still feeling very compressed after Rally. But no longer kidding myself that I should have had an easy transition. Now just expecting that transition is still under way, and understanding that apparently way more happened at Rally than I have access to yet.
Oh dear. Feeling sad and tender for the one who thinks she has to snap back into some other shape real fast after a retreat.
The good
It is Friday.
And I am sovereign. Even if no one else believes in sovereignty.
And I have a secretary and we have a little meeting together every morning. She has a diary and a tweed suit and possibly a deadly art and she might even be a witch I’m not sure. She is very formal and rather strict and I think she might be able to educate some people at the high school about my sovereignty. In a very polite way.
Love to all!
@Havi: The new playground sounds delicious, made even more so by the love of those who helped make the space ready.
@Leni: Congratulations! It’s such a crazy thing, yes?
This week’s hard:
– I’m behind where I wanted to be on one of my projects — not to a panicky, holy-hell-I’ll-never-get-this-done-on-time degree, but enough that I have to spend a good chunk of today and probably some time over the weekend playing catch-up.
– The closure on my favorite pair of jeans — one of two that fit right now — broke, and it’s not easily fixable or replaceable. It’s so, so hard for me to find jeans that fit *and* are long enough *and* have a little style *without* having sparkles on the butt or something like that. Waaah.
– Stuckness around a new, exciting thing I’ve been looking forward to. Playing with trying to untangle that.
This week’s good:
– A long-postponed dinner with an old friend finally came together. We had a nice time catching up.
– Did more than 10 miles of moving meditation this week and got some movement on a few things I’ve been mulling.
Happy Friday, Chickeneers!
@Havi, so much thanks and adoration and Enthuses to you and the Director for the new Playground. And for telling us more about the fabulous things that have been happening there, including Nothing is Wrong improvements and the Caboosers tour circle-sing. Hand on heart sigh!
And many thanks also to
@seagirl – cat snuggles!
@Rhiannon – Bear Time (even though I’m past those cycles, I may use the idea anyway)
@Leni – evidence that it’s OK if something wonderful takes as long as 40 years to appear!
The Hard this week:
– Still stuck and fearful (fearfully stuck) on paperwork. This must be a wall. Or several. I shall talk to the fox.
– Having to reschedule a meeting on the paperwork when I was already driving to it in an expensive day-rental car.
– Spending too much at a bookstore I visited after the meeting time was changed.
– Also resisting an update to my organizer regarding the paperwork.
The Good:
+ I have actual fox paintings which were magically (truly!) created at the time of a previous stuck. So the fox conversations will likely be fruitful for more than just paperwork.
+ An extra day to get ready for the meeting. Weekend sale on the rental car will apply to the time extension.
+ The bookstore buys used books and I can use the car to deliver some this weekend.
+ The organizer is going to help me with paperwork next week, so I can ask the fox to help me with the report to her.
+ The Floop is one week closer! Hummmmmm!
I’ve been noticing that in the last few weeks (whether I posted them or not), many of my “hard” items have a corresponding “good.” I don’t think I’m writing it this way on purpose, it just is happening.
Friday love to all the chickens!
Warm smiles for you all and sympathies for all hard crud (especially with oncoming commercial love day/sexy rumpus day. Man. That day can be so triggery).
hard shtuff
+ I can look calm on the surface but had mini meltdowns in my head all week. It was awful.
+ got good news which has lead to a mini ‘argh i’m a flake i can’t do this.’ It is about having free time and feeling undeserving of it. Even though I do deserve it! Yes, monster mash central here.
+ some hard stuff coming up in working with time and realisations – I’ve gone from not doing much of anything to trying to do everything. And, um, stuff is being dropped. Whoops. There is a lot more to look at here besides time – capacity, exploring if there really isn’t enough time or if yes, I am overextending, what I am doing for the rest spaces in between all the things I am currently doing and whether they are actually rest spaces…
+ More stuff coming up: my own insecurities and jealousies are popping up as a pattern in everything (especially in a major theme I am focusing on working on this year), which is amazing to observe, but still painful to feel.
good shtuff
+ Well, working on the mini meltdown stuff helped me be calm and do things that needed to be done. Which resulted in a meeting which resulted in: compliments, a little more congruent paid work and the freeing up of time. Valuable things I wished for last year.
+ working and experimenting on my relationship with time this year has just been bringing in so many things: to start with, it doesn’t feel like time is just flying by anymore. It has weight to it and my days have a bit more sparkle and feeling. I have gotten more stuff done. Instead of going, ‘oh gods, it is Feb ALREADY?!?’ I am going ‘Oh wow, we are still in February? Cool.’ And experimenting and observing what I do with my time is just plain fun, especially when interesting patterns emerge.
+ my sibling’s partner got a job. This is wonderful news for so many reasons.
+ I experimented with a tool that hasn’t worked in the past for other things (and have pretty much derided and almost discarded it) on a thing that none of my other tools had been able to make a lasting impact on. There was success when those 2 thing met. I am still gobsmacked. And happy. But geeze. What else have I discarded because it hasn’t worked for most things, without realising that it may work for this one thing in which nothing is has worked? I’m going to play with that idea.
xoxo
Wahh!! Is it Friday already?
Whenever Havi said “HOW IS IT FRIDAY ALREADY?” I always felt like “Fridays never come soon enough! What are you talking about!!” But I now realize that that was a symptom of the 9-to-5’ing.
So.
This week was crazy and too fast and too intense, so I’m going to Haiku the Chicken (hah! another fake band?)
THE HARD:
Restlessness. No fun.
A really thorny problem.
Feel alone sometimes.
THE GOOD:
Productivity!
So much of it. Feels good.
Helping people! Yay.
Love and a happy weekend to all!
Enthusiastic lease-cheers and silent happy tears for all the wonder and the magic that is the new Playground space. Yes indeed.
@Simone — I love your haikus! Awesome 🙂
@Leni — congrats on the proffered contract! And kisses to your monsters.
@Sue — omg the Floop is one week closer!!!!!!!!!! This is an actual statement of fact that I hadn’t realized until I read your words and now my brain is just freaking out ever so slightly, in a good and freaky way!
The Hard
– The weekend having a Not Awesome Sunday in it, and my various grumping attitudes about it
– Mysterious puking episode
– Not knowing what to do about breakfasts all week, because of the mysterious puking episode
– Related sad
– The Thursday of Childcare Tango
– Hard hard hard hard ouch Friday ouch
– Shoes thrown in the meeting today. Even if they were mis-aimed and didn’t quite land, seeing them is still painful and brought up another pattern and a sad, lonely past self I hadn’t thought of in a while.
– Neck sprain
– Continued afternoon headaches and eyestrain. Not sure how to reduce my screen time/typing time any more than I already have and feeling both frustrated and scared about this development.
– A little panicky about the coming four days with their extra load of social engagements and feeling like I haven’t had time to do entry/prep for it yet.
– That horrible night. Oh god the horribleness.
– Not having any space in the bed because of continued toddler sleep issues, ugh.
The Good
+ Playdate at the Playground!
+ Singing in the new Playground!!
+ Being with awesome ladies at the Playground and getting amazing things written and amazing learnings in my brain!!!
+ The Saturday of brilliant ease
+ Huge huge progress on creating the grants workshop — thank you new productivity tool that I designed myself!
+ Creating the productivity tool thing and being ready to launch it very soon!
+ Lots of monk lunches
+ My Outrageously Comfortable Tights came and they are, indeed, outrageously comfortable.
+ Systems are working and making my life more simple and easeful and joyful than it’s been in quite a while
+ Progress with some stuck tasks that made me very very happy, when they suddenly became un-stuck
+ Jean-Ralphio is the Amazing Spiderman. Ben Schwartz in general, really.
+ Anticipation! Symphony with my friend, a play with my gentlman, then another Playground afternoon and THEN a surprise dinner with my gentleman!
+ Writing the What I Know About Comfort page for my Book of Me, and then using it to help my Friday climb out of the sad little hole it had fallen into. Yay comfort!
I’m noticing that it was kind of hard to write this because I’m still in pain with the neck thing AND still coming down from Grant Budget Frustration. But at least it gave me clarity on this: the next and only thing I need is to do my personal Friday exit rituals, and then go home and seek comfort. Yes. I love it when I get clarity like this.
Happy chickening to all! xo
Greetings, wise and lovely chickeneers!
I was just reminded of the time when *I* was the Assistant of Extreme Awesomeness, when I was in grad school and the prof I worked for apparently thought I walked on water!
And at a meeting with my coach, I was talking about wanting to reclaim the skills and abilities and qualities of Past Versions of Me. I was thinking of some of my post-grad-school roles, but what I did in school has to be included, because I manifested so many of the qualities that I want in my life now. (I don’t mean “manifest” in a new age-y kind of way. I mean to display, to reveal, to show, to demonstrate.)
A lot of stuff is coming together about Cabo Bojador (my Thing), the February Rally, and the Floop — all of which I am calling Cabo Bojador, because the Rally and the Floop are part of the explorations of my Thing that I’m engaged in.
At the cafe this morning, one of the regulars approached me about having private tutoring sessions with me.
One of my students at the community college told me I was a very good teacher. I get that a lot, actually, but it was particularly meaningful coming from her.
I had a really productive session of “Riding the Wild Donkey” (Goddess Leonie’s term), and wanted to have another one but, sigh, life interfered.
Still, thanks to that one session, and my talk with my coach, I am prepared for another as soon as the time is right.
Which may be a while, because the Calendar Is Full. And I’ve got some stupid physical stuff. A painful sinus thing going on now, that was preceded by other pains, and some of that pain triggered a medical response: my doc sent me to a cardiologist. I’m trying not to freak out about it, but my father started having heart trouble at about my age and my mother started having strokes ditto. I’m 57, I’m overweight, and I’m ten years past menopause, so there is reason to be concerned.
So trying to change and improve my diet and trying to exercise more (in spite of the pain) has triggered all sorts of trigger-y stuff!
The water heater crapped out on us, and we waited all day for the plumber to come to fix it and at the end of the day, they called and said he couldn’t come till Monday, and taking cold showers or heating water on the stove to wash up with is bringing up all sorts of poverty narratives from my past when we had no indoor plumbing and heated one room with a coal stove (my parents nearly lost custody of us kids because of our living conditions).
So telling Deprived Child Me that I can’t have X goodies is particularly hard just now.
And somehow telling the Me Who Is In Pain that I have to exercise doesn’t feel very loving and supportive either. Even though part of me knows that In The Long Run it will be to my benefit. A lot of me doesn’t believe in “In The Long Run.”
I had several very productive conversations with different parts of myself this week, partly in response to the Hard I experienced.
There were a lot of aardvarks:
The aardvark of (re)moving heavy things
The aardvark of de-piling (and some re-piling)
The aardvark of letting go
The aardvark of making space and creating systems
The aardvark of examining things that haven’t been examined
The aardvark of iguana extermination
The aardvark of figuring things out
Some of them felt pretty good when I got through with them but some aardvarks are just aardvarks.
And there was the very crappy discovery of evidence of a new mouse invasion! Ack!
So that was the week that was.
Have a fabulous weekend, everyone!
I’ve been noticing this week just how easy things can be when I have room for them to be easy, and how hard I can make them when I don’t make room for them to be easy. It’s a big profound thing.
Also – Simone’s Yoga Nidra recordings which she mentioned in response to my query in last weeks chicken are awesome, and I’m really enjoying this new practice. It feels rich and deep and profound even though I’m not really sure how or why. I’m really enjoying exploring it.
There was lots of hard this week and I had a big stuck, but lots of shiva nata and listening to the “Art of Embarking” pretty much 24/7 in my car resulted in some amazingly awesome pattern untangling. I spent a lot of time interacting with my fear of being misunderstood and my fear of not being trusted and lots of other stuff… I felt like an empty shell by Thursday night and thought I could sleep for a week but woke up early on Friday feeling completely renewed. So I’m calling this the good/hard. Also I’m lacking the ability to separate this into individual things that happened as it just all felt like 4 continuous days of interacting with my stuff.
Chicken!
The Hard:
– my poor body still seems to be under a lot of stress. Feeling rather anxious/worried and helpless as to what I can do to take care of it except wait and continue to do the yoga etc.
– taking part in a discussion that quickly turned explicitly homophobic when I challenged its heteronormative assumptions. Then having my sexuality questioned because I hugged a guy friend. Not cool. The scared part of me that has lost her family because of this feels hurt and invalidated.
– lots of stuff coming up around guilt/shame/and self-punishment. I haven’t been able to parse all of it yet because the you-don’t-have-time monsters are yelling quite loudly.
– having trouble with school work-load, or feeling as though I am having trouble with it. I have been making lists and using other organizational stuff, but my monsters still keep telling me that I am falling behind/will fail/deserve failure etc.
– my boundaries were all over the place at one point during the week, and I found it incredibly difficult to meet a friend where he was at because of this
The Good:
– had the best accidental slumber party *ever*!
– emotional stability this whole week with only minor lows (the yoga, meditation, working out and vitamin supplements are working, I assume)
– realizing again that I have managed to find a wonderful set of friends, and that I am eternally indebted to them for their friendship
– grieving for baby sister is hurting less, now that I have started writing letters to her
– still waking up at 3am but the nightmares have ceased
I hope the following week goes well for everyone 🙂
oh this week, the hard has been so hard i’m giving myself permission to call a silent retreat around it but in finding a safe room (i’m only just finding them within me) I found my future self had left Emily Bronte’s poem no coward soul is mine in it which was a suprise because i’m a buddhist, and helpful so I now know it is there to read.
The good…. seeing how me from back then has grown, doing well. practising sovereignty is a good way to be. owning my own feelings and asking myself questions and just learning not to own anyone else’s stuff. It’s theirs not mine. hell I have enough for one person.
thanks x
First of all, support to all of you for your respective Hards, and hooray to all of you for your respective Goods! And a special yay to Havi for signing the lease!
For me:
The Hard:
–Getting really upset with a close, dear friend about all sorts of things. Felt attacked in that conversation, even though she meant well.
The Good:
–Figured out (much, much later) which parts of the Hard were her stuff, and which parts are mine.
–And here’s the exciting part: the parts which are mine are my vulnerabilities regarding one particular very, very important part of my life. And I realized why I got so defensive: it was all about my tiny, sweet thing. I hadn’t *realized* that this particular thing was *my* tiny, sweet thing. But that’s why I got so upset: I was (through this conversation) bringing out the tiny, sweet thing before it was ready. So now I really understand how to explain my stuff to my friend–in a way that I think she’ll understand, because she’s great like that. And it was really illuminating for me to realize–Hey, I HAVE A THING!!!! And now that I realize I HAVE A THING, I can read Havi’s posts with that in mind. (It used to be that I read Fluent Self in a more general way, just because I loved the tone and wisdom of it.) Thanks, Havi–now I know how to take care of my tiny, sweet thing!
Chicken time… what a week!
The hard:
1. My audition… well, it turns out that they actually need to cast for a part that’s quite different that the one they originally advertised, and I don’t have the right experience for that part. Feh!
2. A shoe thrown by my husband that happened to hit one of my particularly sensitive spots
3. Pain. My head, my feet, and my back at different points during the week. Ow.
The Good:
1. Tree birthdaying! And giving myself permission to spend much of my time at the playground gently caring for my headache like I would if it were a friend in pain, rather than trying to force myself into productivity.
2. Getting to visit the new Playground and help dream and sing it into being. Such a beautiful moment.
3. Though I didn’t get the part I auditioned for, some other seeds were planted there that may bloom over the coming months.
4. Collaborative awesomeness! Started preselling a couple of fantastic necklaces that are collaborative efforts with an artist friend. So happy with how they have turned out, it makes me want to pursue more joint efforts.
Partaking in Chicken Amnesty, yay!
The Good!
This week was amazing! A transformative week of travel!
NYC! Montreal!
Reconnecting with lovely friends! Connecting with awesome new people!
Beer! Poutine! Ice skating (on a canal)!
Harmonious timing leading to so much wonderfulness!
The Hard
Not respecting my body’s capacity – in walking too much, in sleeping not enough, in drinking too much, in doing yoga not enough – and my body protesting plenty!
I loved this week so much that coming home and having it come to an end has been the hardest of the hard. I am still processing this because I want my life to be more in congruence with the experience of this trip, and I don’t know how to do that yet.
Love to the playground, love to the pain-dumped-on-you, Havi, and love to all the amazing Chickens here. I’m calling silent retreat, but my heart is so full from reading them and knowing so much sovereignty and play is going on everywhere. Needing a chrysalis, mebbe.
The Director post is still echoing in my chest, along with some things Rhiannon, Claire and Simone have mentioned lately. Wow. Hmmm. Not quite to ahhh . . .
Mmwah!