Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Well, my big VPA for this week was going to be about chopping my hair off, but then I did that over the weekend.
Let’s see. Hello, wanting what I want. Hello, week.
Thing 1: More yoga during Rally.
Here’s what I want:
Tonight is Erev Rally and we are welcoming in Rally (Rally!), and this is wonderful because Rally is my favorite thing in the world.
Rally #17!
You know what? It used to be that during Rally I’d get way more yoga than in a normal week because we do old Turkish lady stretching all the time and then I usually do an hour of asana in the afternoon.
But lately (thanks to past Very Personal Ads), I’ve been back to having much more yoga in my life, and now I’m finding myself wanting to make sure there will be enough time for physical practice.
Ways this could work:
Candlelight yoga on Toozday night after the Evening Chicken at Rally — people can join in or not, as they like.
Maybe I’ll get in a practice during my entry rituals this afternoon….
I don’t know where else I can make an opening.
But maybe just more consciously Filling Out Forms (my secret agent code for doing a posture here and there, literally filling out the form.)
And of course, asking the Director what she knows about this.
I’ll play with…
The intention to create opening.
In whatever ways show up.
Thing 2: Support with grant proposals.
Here’s what I want:
Last week I held an Enthusiastic at the Playground to talk about the gigantic new and expanded Playground that we’re opening in April.
We’ll be doing lots of fun community projects there, and Cynthia suggested that we apply for some local business/community-development grants.
I know NOTHING about this!
So I need someone who could give us an idea of what we could be applying for. My partner-in-crime said she’d take a stab at writing a proposal if she could look at a sample proposal or get advice from someone who does this regularly.
Ways this could work:
Maybe someone here? Maybe someone coming to a Rally?
Maybe there’s a perfect simple solution that’s waiting to show up and I don’t even know what it looks like.
I’ll play with…
I’m throwing the entire concept into the pot for now, and asking for the right person/situation to make themselves known.
Thing 3: changes to Pirate Queen headquarters.
Here’s what I want:
Whenever the magical nymphs come to clean the Playground (they borrow costumes from our Costumery — it’s awesome!), I look regretfully at my quarters and wish they weren’t such a mess.
I’ve made wishes about SPACE and wishes about CONGRUENCE.
Here’s what I want:
This space is for the Directory and needs to be worthy of the Director. I don’t know how that can happen but I do know that the next time the space is about to be cleaned, I don’t want to be ruefully shaking my head again.
So I guess my ask is about the internal investigation: what needs to change in my relationship with this space?
Ways this could work:
Well, Shiva Nata, of course. That’s probably the fastest way to make stuff happen.
Also stone skippings and writing an OOD.
I’ll play with…
Spending time in that room and finding out what it wants to be.
Thing 4: {SILENT RETREAT!}
Here’s what I want:
I’m calling silent retreat on this one, but it has to do with possibility, spaciousness, flow, receptivity, grace.
Ways this could work:
I don’t know yet but I will find out during Rally!
I’ll play with…
Investigating my relationship with the qualities and finding out what I’m done with.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted help coordinating the giant project of cleaning and painting the new Playground space, and we’re making progress on that. Though I still need TONS of help.
Then I wanted progress on the B&B&B, and something is cooking. Wishing!
I wanted to talk about context, and that happened.
Answers needed to be written, and they got half-written, which is progress. I hadn’t realized how much stuff I had around this, so that was interesting.
My wish for easy speediness happened! My roller derby wish half-happened.
But mainly I got to have a week where I felt capable, and that’s what most of these asks were about, under the surface. So that’s where I’m playing, under the surface.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
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Goodness, VPA time again. Mrrf. Hello hello, VPA time.
This was a bad week for a lot of things.
Lost my VPA 1 and got a bad backlash on VPA 2. At least I managed a good bit of work on #3 and got very far on #4.
This week’s asks:
#1 – A Metaphor For Superpowers
Tons of pain being unpacked around this concept. Productive, but incredibly difficult. (Still deserves a Thank you, More please.) I know why I have the Schtuff but I don’t know how to solve it. As an interesting note, any time I do the Art of Embarking or any other Rally-style work my first superpower word is always “Freedom.”
Blooms for it:
– I could figure out how to forgive.
– I could figure out what, about Freedom, is the Key.
– The new Metaphor could present itself.
– I could be okay with a new word without the RAAR of the word “superpowers.”
What I’ll Plant:
– Giving the “WHY” some safe rooming
– Some analysis of Freedom
– Not asking for qualities or superpowers or any such thing for a while.
#2 – Some Resolution To The Ongoing Space Ask
Well, we lost House Quirktastic. Nothing else is coming up on the radar that we like. The Space we are in is becoming aggressively difficult for us in various ways. Want some Space, please.
Blooms for it:
– We could discover a house better for us than House Quirktastic.
– We could discover an apartment that has the qualities we want and need.
– This space could become what we want.
What I’ll Plant:
– I’ll continue to do Space-magic.
– I’ll play with what I might have missed.
– I’ll look for Clews.
#3 – That Violet’s Vacation Go Well
Violet and the crew have come up with a reasonable solution for giving her some break time. Now I just want her to have a really good and relaxing vaycay.
Blooms for it:
– The US could work really well so she doesn’t need to worry.
– The Vacationspot could work out to be the Best Ever for her.
What I’ll Plant:
– Proper Playtime for kids.
– Setting aside some time to meet the invisible ones.
– I will try not to inadvertently call on her.
#4 – Ease For The Week
Stressful week coming up, between work and home. I want it to go well without blowing up from the stressness of it.
Blooms for it:
– I could magically hit the Calm Spot.
– I could do Mirror Mirror.
– I could remember to do the Embarking for each day.
What I’ll Plant:
– Forgiveness.
– Permission slips for anything I do to assist myself.
#5 – Dyeing My Hair.
I have been trying to find a way to get this into my day and I simply haven’t been able to. This week has been so abysmal and this weekend so Space-destructive that my promise to myself to dye my hair just didn’t work.
Blooms for it:
– Um, no clue.
– Maybe I could find the Clews.
What I’ll Plant:
– Seed-tears for the self that misses the purple hair.
– Forgiveness for not being able to do it yesterday or today.
Silent retreating on the others.
Loads of love to the VPAs yet to post, and hoping for terrific results for all of you.
Goodbye, goodbye VPAtime, and hello to the week to come…
So many things this week! Update from last week: The superpowers of Easy Simple Solution and Being Present are useful, and I’m going to keep playing with them.
New things:
Thing 1: I have a new thing. I’m not very good at telling people about new things.
Ways this could work: Proxying. Maybe there’s something else I can do other than tell people?
I’ll play with: Here, I’m going to whisper about my new thing, because this is about the safest place ever. whisper.
Thing 2: Help with the underground kitty railroad. I need to move about 10 cats to Denver. For some reason this transport is being all sorts of complicated.
Ways this could work:
I could ask more people. I could rearrange my schedule so I can take them the whole way myself.
I’ll play with:
Stoneskipping. Asking people to ask other people.
Thing 3: To reconnect with my routines. The last week or so I haven’t been particularly good at keeping up with the things that I know help with the sanity level.
Ways this could work: Pause.
I’ll play with: Stretching into it, seeing if I can figure if there’s something the routines are missing or something else blocking me.
Mmmm, chop! I am spontaneously Enthusing about haircuts.
Risa, am sending you hugs, and wishes for something even better than the House Quirktastic.
This week, I would like:
– New connections with people, partners, colleagues, collaborators, clients and possibly friends. Yes! Altogether more connection.
– Timebending capabilities. This is starting to happen most often in the middle of the night for me. This is something big and I have no idea where it’s going to take me. I am excited.
– Finally, I’m not making an ask around this yet, but I notice I am very interested these days in coats and cloaks and capes and mantles and mantillas and all sorts of ceremonial robes. Something is brewing there…
But probably something I don’t want to wear with the cowboy boots.
Past VPAs include:
– Cowboy boots. No news.
– Housekeeper: She has arrived! She’s awesome. This is going to change my life.
– Some little magical things for folks. In the works. Digging it! GLEEFUL.
My commitment:
Same as before, which is to do all the wayfinding experiments that occur, and Shiva Nata, and shavasana, and naps, and intentional resting, and possibly a little Yoga Nidra, and take notes.
VPAing last week so very helpful. That was probably the best, or at least the most interesting, week of my life.
So I am trying again:
Thing 1: Exploring the Force Fields
So I did this thing that’s too woo-woo for me to talk about with breaking out in hives, but it’s resulted in completely different, much stronger force fields.
And I already know that the state of my force field plays a huge part in how everything else goes. But now there’s so much more I have control over and awareness of.
I want to play play play with this. To map and explore and experiment and see what can happen with different ways of force fielding. (Funny: this is totally a seed I planted at Crossing the Line.)
How it could work: Remembering. Letting something remind me: like the color red. Using the Emergency Calming Techniques and Simone’s HipGnosis recordings to get me more or less back in my force field when I’m really out there. Asking the gentleman for help, when necessary.
Thing 2: Beautiful Rally
I want Rally to be beautiful, and full. And for things to be learned with ease and delight. And for everything to happen as it should, with celebration and sweetness.
How it could work: I can ask Rally what it needs from me. I can protect my schedule. I can talk to the sad selves when they come up.
Thing 3: My Beautiful Beautiful Thing!
I am still working on my thing! And I want to love it more and play with it more and keep engaging in this crazy momentum about it at a sustainable pace, without getting depleted.
How it could work: Rally will help. I can talk to the parts of me that are afraid of rest. I can ask my Enthusiastic for help.
I can devote more time to processing, less time to doing. I can remember that my project loves me as much as I love it.
How things went last time:
My first ask was for my busy week to happen without overwhelming me. THAT TOTALLY WORKED!
Not only was this the most I’ve gotten done, like, ever… And the most I’ve socialized in a really long time… It was also some of the least I’ve freaked out. That was great.
My second ask was for my thing to have mad progress made on it. And I can’t believe that was only a week ago because SO MUCH has happened since then. I am so much closer to being the person who can handle this thing. Yay!
Fairy dust to your VPAs!
Here to be all ‘new hair, how exciting!’ and yaying for the strange magic of hair chopping.
It’s been awhile since I’ve VPA-d. I think it’s time… Let’s find out!
Here’s what I want:
Suddenly I’m in this environment (in my Mom’s casa, in Puerto Morelos Mexico) and it feels like everyone here is pressuring me to socialize ALL THE TIME. And I just can’t do that. So, I need to be ok with saying “No, thank you” and putting up my force field when “No, thank you” doesn’t work.
WTCW:
– I could come into my sovereignty.
– I could hide and not answer the door or the phone.
– Something else.
I’m going to play with:
– Re-reading some bits about sovereignty.
– Being curious about why it’s suddenly hard for me to say “No” and stick to it.
– Being gentle with myself about this.
What I want:
I want to be less confused and in fear about what comes next in my life. I want to have a plan.
WTCW:
– A plan could appear to me in a dream.
– I could write and write and write and a plan could develop.
– I could be curious about why I’m so stuck here.
– I could read what Havi writes about fear – I think that would help.
I’m going to play with:
– I’m going to give myself the opportunity to write every day.
– I’m going to read some of Havi’s stuff re: fear, etc.
– I’m going to talk to some of the Monsters who say I’m destitute.
Silent retreat on the rest!
Happy Monday y’all.
Thing, big thing, seemingly the only thing right now.
My exegesis writing.
I have a draft due on March 1, so that gives me nine days. It is currently in usefully sectioned documents, and there are more than enough words, but I now need the words to become beautifully edited and flowing contextual surroundings for my studio practice.
Things that might help:
re-naming the exegesis?
What can I call it?
Hmmm, flowing makes me think of something watery, but that doesn’t fit. Maybe flowing isn’t the right word. I want my studio practice to be surrounded by a forest of ideas, but forest seems dense and maybe scary. A garden? A forest garden.
A forest garden of beautifully interlocking ecologies of ideas and poetics. Something like that is what I want it to be.
So, this next nine days I would very much like to be filled with happy forest gardening. There will be plenty of air and nourishment. There will be surprises around corners, within a setting of serenity and certainty. This is not a scary place at all. This is a place of real comfort, a place where I go to charge my practice with substance and beauty.
And may the fairies visit the garden to infuse it with special magic too, and magic to all VPAs everywhere!
My first public VPA. Sweet. Momentous.
Thing One: I need my office space to work out. I need the literal locked doors that are blocking my progress, and the metaphorical ones related to the incommunicado realtor, to no longer be issues.
Ways this could work: a key to the door I don’t have a key to, permission from the fire marshal to keep the security doors open with magnets, or (probably better), switching my lease to the unfinished space that wasn’t as pretty but provides more opportunities for things that aren’t *just* massage-type stuff. Postponing everything a month so that they can put the floor back in.
What I’m doing now: I’m remembering to trust the process and to remember that, as precious as money is and as much STUFF as I have around that topic, sanity and calm and sleep are far more important, ultimately. I’m also patiently awaiting a reply from the realtor, trusting that she has a good reason for not communicating — maybe she’s trying to help on her end.
Thing Two: TED auditions, coming up with something WORTHY.
How this could work: remembering that, yes, I do have ideas worth sharing, and a ton of experience to back them up. Remembering that I have a lot of Right People who are offering their support to make this happen. Reminding myself that, like any audition, this is an opportunity to play.
What I’m doing now: Brain-storming, wishcrafting, flailing, and finding time to REST in between. Also, remembering that Emotional Pee Breaks are awesome for resetting when I feel myself going into system overload. Gross to mention, but awesome nonetheless.
Happy VPA! Love! (Wriggling like puppy)
Last week, I asked for ease in saying no to lovely clients, and that went wonderfully well — they were understanding and supportive and just the best. I also asked for clarity around a new project/client. The client isn’t sure the project is right for me, so I got clarity by default but it has been interesting to be more present. ANd discovered presence (presents!) 🙂
This week, I would like:
1. Mindful Bolivian-ing. My boy is home from school all week, and I would like to be sane.
How this could work: I could have clean edges for boy time. I could be present during boy time. I could encourage independence during my time. I could sit with feelings of frustration and be mindful instead of freaking out/being angry/consuming Thin Mints.
My commitment: to develop an “in case of freak out” ritual thing. Not involving sugar.
2. Balanced productivity. I’ve got a manuscript that I am feeling pressure to complete and turn in to my editor. I want to complete the manuscript without burning out.
How this could work: I could have clean edges and containers for writing time. I could be realistic, and even overestimate, how much time I need and underestimate how much time I have. I could remain calm and call supportive friends.
My commitment: show up to the page. Invest in lots of self-care.
3. Metaphor for promotion. My publisher is freaking me out a little re: how much promo I’m going to need to do. I’m turning a corner about how to do it without feeling like a used car salesman freak and still develop a tribe.
How this could work: I could use crayons. I could wait until Floop, and see if I can recruit help. I could… not sure.
My commitment: create a container for (whatever this is) and play with it a little.
Thanks guys! Hoping your VPAs turn out beautifully!
hey self, do you want to VPA this week?
Yes, yes I do.
VPA 1: OMG the enormous thing.
**Want:: clarity. a mentally clear path. deep knowing that I WANT *THIS* and not ~oh super-scanner brain came up with a fun concept again and after it’s worked out, will have no motivation to actually work on it.~ sadface. safe rooms for parts of me that don’t trust myself. safety in general.
**Ways:: I could start with teeny-tiny steps and not the whole shebang. I do know what they are.
::I could whisper (like @coriejweaver) about the plan to people that would care and be careful about it. and honest.
**Play:: with a monster tea party. they can be civilized.
::with super-challenging shiva nata.
::with steps so tiny they can’t be seen (or protested)
VPA #2: The hair! it’s in the air (apparently)
**Want: I have been hit with the bug for super-short hair lately, too. Why this is a VPA and not just doing it?… because AH, scary! “i’m not that punk/cool/maintenence-happy” “i won’t take care of it” “eek hairdressers. they ALWAYS tell me to cut my hair more often. and roll eyes. and flip their obnoxiously cool new-styled hair at me.” I want decision either way. and action.
**Ways: Craigslist trade: short haircut +maintance for SN or yoga lessons, every 6 weeks?
::magical super-cute, self-cuttable hair lessons? i.e… just shave it all?
::a goodbye ceremony to long hair. donating it? and wearing it a high-ish ponytail first and realizing that it causes headaches.
**Play: with looking at my face w/ hair up/missing and knowing I like the look 😛
::asking what the superpowers of long hair are. and short hair. and claiming both, either way.
::asking the gent a few more times what he thinks of short hair (he is quite pro-)
Mini-VPA’s: writing the thing, hula-hooping, did I mention the enormous thing?, giving presents gracefully.
wild blooming to everyone’s VPAs!
Thing #1
What I want:
To write this paper which is due Wednesday morning, and to get it done without losing sleep. And if my paper were completely brilliant, that’d be pretty great, too.
Ways this could work:
I spend all of tomorrow when I’m not at work writing it. Or better yet, I spend a lot of time tomorrow writing it, but also go for a walk and wash the dishes. While I sleep tonight I could be processing and mulling and coming up with good ideas. I could have a routine such as: write 20 minutes, do shiva nata or yoga for five minutes, write for 20 minutes, etc.
I’ll play with:
Creative focus. Mixing movement with brain-playing in intentional ways. Getting lots of sleep.
Thing #2
What I want:
This is the week I’m supposed to move from brainstorming a story into writing a story. But I haven’t got enough brainstorming (gestating) done yet. And I’ve got two separate ideas, and I don’t know which idea to give more time to.
So I want to find a way to nurture both ideas, and bring one of these ideas to fruition (fully-written story) by April 1.
Ways this could work:
Spend a little time each day both researching for the original story idea, and with a notebook and crayons brainstorming for whichever story takes my fancy.
If the second story idea seems like one to bring onto the page, write it for the April 1 deadline while keeping the other story idea on the backburner. This would give me more time for research.
I like the idea from Thing #1 of mixing movement with brain-playing, of mixing writing with shiva nata or yoga or walks. Try more of that.
Do a Brighid creativity spell.
I’ll play with:
Writing every day. Taking deep breaths. Finding the creativity in all of life. Feeling play and inspiration.
Thing #3
What I want:
To stop getting stuck in ruts, to stop being grumpy, to stop getting in funks, to stop being fussy, to stop being fussily grumpily stubbornly passive? when around the gentleman friend.
To find out why I get in this particular type of rut, to find out the nature of my relationship with passivity and grumpy stubbornness.
How this could work:
First, be aware when I am getting in one of these grumpy ruts. Take deep breaths. Do something different–anything, even if it’s just changing the position of my body. Try to consciously appreciate the boyo at these moments. Be more active. Be more cheerful.
Of course, the problem isn’t as simple as, “be more active” or “be more cheerful.” One always has to wonder, what is currently stopping me from being these things? I’m not sure how to figure that out, except for awareness.
I’ll play with:
Awareness. Connection and harmony. Deep breaths. Intentional movement.
Buzzword for the week: Intentional movement.
The Main Thing: I am feeling very conflicted over potential aspects of my vacation — i.e., competing priorities, fear & awareness of doors closing while I’m away. I would like to feel at ease with the choices I end up making.
WTCW:
* permission slip to focus on self-care and self-renewal. Such as: exercise, conscious stretching/resting, and moisturizing before I look at anything career- or church-related.
* permission slip to be an observer/recipient rather than actor/initiator
* respect (if not honor) the emotional as well as physical space I currently inhabit
* some way to quarantine urgency monster. Because resentment toxins kind of ick up the whole point of getting away.
* write notes, sketch schedules, etc. to reassure doom demons that spending a planned week out of harness isn’t going to send my various projects off the rails
* maybe start my “hello, March” early. Because I do feel like I’ll have to enter it running, hence urgency monster in track suit at my heels.
I’ll play with:
* concentrating on packing, which is enjoyable in its way and benefits SFM not only in terms of supplies for the trip, but putting house in order for when I come back
* packing markers and paper for the writing and sketching
* staying in touch with SFM about how I want to feel and look for upcoming milestones (as well as in general)
Thing 2:
Gentleness. Both from me and toward me as doors stick, doors close, etc.
WTCW: similar tools and strategies as Thing 1.
Also maybe asking directly for it? (Eep.)
Maybe start with freewrites to universe if I’m not ready to make direct requests on my behalf.
Wishing everyone a good week and good things.
Update from last week: no action on my part, no progress.
This week:
VPA #1: Silent retreating but holding it in my heart.
VPA #2: Cardiovascular cooperation. Lungs aren’t cooperating with outside running. Went to get an inhaler and then my heart did some weird beating thing. I’d like all the smooth muscles in my lungs to relax, all the alveoli to open and receive air, and my heart to beat on a regular basis instead of 123…4..56…78..9.
My commitment: to warm up for 10 minutes if outside. To exercise inside if it’s below 35. To take my medication. To keep exercising so my lungs get stronger.
Thank you @Max – I take the hugs gladly and thanks for all the good wishes. I kind of wish we could have a cowboy-boots-painting party.
This VPA is big! And I’m so excited about it! After an amazing trip last week, I did much processing (including multiple meltdowns!), and suddenly got a lot of clarity about what needs to happen in my life!
And Here’s What I Want:
There is a big change I want to make. It feels like such the right thing.
So what I want is “permission to follow a want. Permission for the want to be stronger than things like say, common sense, or what everyone else is telling me to do.” (from http://fluentself.com//blog/biggification/turning-points/)
Ways This Could Work:
I could create possibility!
I could make room for the new thing.
I could trust and believe.
I’ll Play With:
Writing letters. To people who I want to connect with or stay connected to. Also, to the things that I want – like Havi’s letters to Hoppy House and to the Playground (http://fluentself.com//blog/personal/wanna-read-my-personal-ad/ & http://fluentself.com//blog/stuff/very-personal-ads-love-letter-to-a-playground/). I already wrote one of these, and it was such a great way to express my intention! And “intention is big!”
Ten things gone. (http://fluentself.com//blog/personal/ten-things-gone/) Started playing with this today, and I will continue to do so! This is good in so many ways!
Closing doors. Or at least finding the doorknob and learning how the locks work on doors I am not ready to close yet, but that I know will need to be closed eventually to make the thing that I want happen.
Finding support. Today, I told a friend about the change I want to make, and he was so excited and emphatic, that, YES, I should do this! It was like a totally unexpected Enthusiastic! So wonderful! *still smiling* 🙂
Hello, fellow askers!
Last week, I asked for travel grace, which I got through all the people and things beyond my control being awesome. And I asked for a negotiator, and I got one. (I still don’t know who she is, but she seems up to the job.) I also asked for sovereignty around a particular issue, and I got enough to manage the situation on the outside, but not enough to prevent bucket-o-angst on the way in.
This week!
VPA #1: recovery
I have a red eye tonight and 3 hours of jetlag and also a not-especially-un-busy week with a beloved kid visit at the end. So I would like to recover quickly and cheerfully so that I have the resources to get through my whole week.
Ways it could work:
I could get lots of rest on the plane, or at home during the week, or other times.
I could take mini-emergency-vacations, like at lunch.
Massage tomorrow could help.
I could come up with a genius plan for beloved-kid-visit.
Something else I haven’t thought of yet!
I’ll play with: my work schedule. how much I really need to give. curiosity about what fuels my recovery.
VPA #2: Inspiration -> action
I went to an amazing panel at Pantheacon about service, and I am in love. I want this idea to manifest beautifully into the world.
Ways it could work:
The email list could maintain the energy
My one tiny idea for my local community could happen
I could meet people I don’t even know yet who will connect with this. Or people I do know could surprise-connect with it!
I will play with: being equally open about how I am enthusiastic and still have lots to learn. listening for what’s moving me and others.
My want was that I wanted to treat myself to a copy of the latest Vogue, and then I bought a copy on my way to Rally. That was the easiest and least angst-filled VPA ever. Yay.
VPA #1 – Decision! I have an important decision to make, and I need to make it in the next day or two.
Ways This Could Work: Gather all the information I need to get from other people, and sit with it until I can feel the right decision. Writing about it. Open to perfect simple solutions.
I’ll Play With: Breathing. Making lists. Working alone in the studio, which is always nice for bringing perspective. Listening to music. Remembering that this is not a life-or-death decision, and that making the wrong choice would be neither the end of the world nor irreparable.
VPA #2 – Unpleasant conversations. I need to have two of them this week. One via phone call, which is extra uncomfortable.
Ways This Could Work: Write up a list of things I need to say. Be firm in expressing my needs. Put Administrative Assistant Me at the front of the V. Remember that this is business, not personal. Remember that I don’t have to justify my decision, simply inform people of the decision I have made.
I’ll Play With: Setting it up. Remembering that this doesn’t have to be done perfectly. It can (and probably should) be a simple, quick thing. Build in recovery time. Reward myself when it’s done.
Best of wishes for everyone else’s VPA’s, and fairy dust for anyone who needs it.
Last week I asked for clarity around my business thing and Yoga teacher training and I got some of it. Still needs more work, so reasking that. I also asked for readers to my yarn blog and that happened. And then I asked for more revue/chickening/thing clarity and I got some sweet and unexpected help. Thanks Cathy. And sovereignty at the old place happened, even if it took more energy than expected.
VPA1
I want to go back to working on my Diss. I’ve neglected it in favor of knitting pattern writing and now it is yearning to get done. Same goes for continuing the job-hunt.
Ways this could work: Doing exiting rituals on the knitting pattern writing. Yogaing. Journaling on how these two things might still have a place in my life.
What I commit to: sitting with the unease of being in an in-between state. Remembering Jessica.
First time here, after lurking for a while and also blogging about funny things that surfaced in the lurking.
VPA#1: To find out more about balancing the solitude I need to work and the tribal community I need to thrive and how I can feel them supporting each other vs. being at war.
WPA#2: To bring more playfulness, lightness, joy into the work which means finding out more about why I resist doing this, why work doesn’t feel productive unless it also feels hard
VPA#3: More calm, more slow, more okay with it all being a process of moving to calm and slow vs something that I’m doing wrong because it’s not already that way
Yay chicken!
What I want: To interact with some of my tax/accounting fears.
How this could work: I could think up a new, and more fun, name for taxes/accounting. I could wear a disguise. I could be a detective, or maybe a witch.
My commitment: To consciously interact. To allow it to be majorly gentle and gradual.
What I want #2: For more of my just-right coaching clients to find me.
How this could work: I could hang out where they hang out. I could learn more about what my people want and need. I could work on how I talk about my coaching.
My commitment: To try stuff. To track what I try. To learn from the experiments. To continue to dream audaciously. To allow trust to be here.
Happy weeks to everybody!
What I Want: To devote a lot of time and energy this week to working on the Book of Me, as a preparation for Conscious Entry. When I have a clear vision of who I am/want to be, of who is doing the conscious entering, things go better. At least, that’s my theory. So, I want to do a lot of lovely introspective journaling to flesh out the Book of Me.
Ways This Could Work: Well, I found my copy of Notes for the Book of You; I’ll use that as a springboard. I can also plan my artist date to support the process — find a new-to-me coffee house (in a new-to-me town? New places often spark fresh ideas…) and settle in with pen and paper.
I’ll play with: Keeping this project in my mind as a constant companion, as a thing I’m always working on. Maybe I’ll invite the Me who has already done this project to hang out with me as I move through my week.
Happy wanting everyone.
Thing 1: Capacity focus: health and energy
My ongoing ask for “things that will support my capacity eg. systems, self-care, support, sortings”.
This week’s focus – physical health and energy, cos I’m tired. Lady Parasite is still sucking the lifeblood out of me, (as she should). This isn’t a depressed/no-clarity-or-motivation energy slump, this is physical.
I’ll play with: DEEERRRRR… sleep, iron supps, the other supps, more chicken soup, less dairy, caffeine and sugar. Putting big-sister me in charge of me, and letting my mum take care of me even when the amount of anxiety she brings with her makes me uncomfortable. It’s not my job to tell her she shouldn’t be anxious, it’s my job to let her anxiety be HER business and my PAIN around her anxiety be MY business. My poor mum…. And accept her help anyway even though it rubs me up against my pain. For the sake of my CAPACITY.
Thing 2: que sera sera
I’m STILL preggo…. but baby has been making all sorts of indications that she might be coming ANY MINUTE NOW for the last couple of weeks.
My husband has to go out of town for four days from tomorrow morning, and because he-no-work-we-no-eat it’s not really negotiable. And that’s fine.
I’ve got my aunty lined up to come to the hospital with me (and she is a midwife who has delivered THOUSANDS of babies over the last forty years and loves me and is LITERALLY my aunty not just in the ‘village-aunt’ sense and it will be fine).
And, you know, it’s only been forty years or so since fathers were involved in the slightest anyway and for nearly all of history across nearly all cultures birth has been women’s business and blokes don’t get a look-in until it’s all done so I guess I’d be joining a grand tradition.
But… oooooohhh….. it’s not what I was expeeeeecctttiiiinggg!!!! Waaaah. So, I would like to be okay with whatever happens. Que sera sera.
I’ll play with: detachment. Permission and safe places for the bits of me that ARE attached to what I wanted/expected this birth to be and are feeling anxious and scared and sad. Humility/infinity.
Maybe even seeing if I can review the dozens and DOZENS of Really Useful Techniques I have access to and pick out (and maybe synthesise) a few of them with the SPECIFIC intent of creating the beautiful, chilled out, que sera state of Everything-Is-Okay, apariagraha, humble-and-open-to-infinite-possibility-ness.
Thing 3: words and time
I have things to say. I want to say them. I want to say them WELL, not just comment-dump my instant thoughts, ideas and responses around the interwebs and never synthesise them into genuinely coherent, lucid, readable prose.
The essence of the want is to be helpful. To offer something of value. To contribute, to give something meaningful and useful to the world. With a little helping of ego wanting my existence to have MATTERED. Literally, to make my thoughts material, hard-copy.
This is hard because these ideas that I want to write about are big and complex and IMPORTANT. The ideas mean a lot to me and I want my words to do them justice. I want them to fit my intention and to be understood.
I would like to write ANYWAY, even though the words will be imperfect, because sacred ideas and truths CANNOT be expressed in their wholeness by the limited meanings permitted by words.
I’ll play with: in the soft preparation for a writing practice, especially the ideas of service and ego-less-ness and it’s-not-about-me-ness and honoring my good intention by being kind and gentle with myself in the process and with the results of the process.
Maybe some in the hard preparation of pulling together various drafts, creating an index of ideas for articles, who knows maybe even putting fingers on the keys and typing. (Infinite possibility!!)
love xoxo
Thing 4: THIS!!!! For everyone to read this!!!!
http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2012/02/19/so-whats-a-social-disability-anyway/
Because this is SO, SOOOO IMPORTANT. Because, though this article looks at the question from the specific perspective of disability/differentability the underlying POINT is universal.
Because taking radical responsibility for creating a culture of UNCONDITIONAL BELONGING is the only thing that is going to save the world.
And I WANT to save the world because I have kids and I think about their future and also because of EVERYONE.
Hullo !
🙂
VPA update
Last week, I wanted a safety helmet, and nesting and a good draft. I did some nesting in my new room and it was enough. The draft was not there but I got some more information on what the next steps are.
the yelling still happened but i had a “safety helmet” in the form of my magical souvereignty rings and I didn’t cry! which was new.
thing i want 1: peace and quiet
i’ve asked for it before but i still need it. working in a busy office is stressful for my HSP self and yet required. getting yelled at was super stressful. i really really want to find some ways to recuperate and be peaceful by myself.
what i know
I know spending quiet evenings at home helps. i know writing in the morning has done miracles in the past.
what i’d like to learn more about
How to better manage my agenda. How to be my own awesome Barrington-style Social Secretary and manage my time so that I enjoy it – with quiet evenings and awesome social events.
i’ll play with
awesomeness. doing/activeness.
thing i want 2: inspiration
I don’t just want to be doing the work because I have to. i want to fly through the work enjoying exercizing my voice and the option of sharing what I know.
what i know
I used to love to write. “Following the rabbit holes” in terms of just allowing my ‘research’ to happen was massively useful earlier this week. My students inspire me and remind me of both the hard and the good of writing.
what i’d like to learn more about
All the different was to have fun with my work. How far can the fun go? What happens if I play it up? What if I’d get to mix up play&work&magic and stir well? How can I create reminders and support for myself that last so next time I am discouraged
I’ll play with
pinterest :). collages. writing to myself in the morning. describing what i see. rabbit holes. permission. creating space; and also space around the spaces.
It’s taken me a little while to get a fix on the energy, desire and time to write my VPAs, so hello Wednesday, let’s do this!
From last week: Perception happened in some ways, though I was craving it more than feeling it. Hmm. Maybe this is more a February broadcast gwish, so I’m throwing Perception back in the pot today, too. Meanwhile, preparation for the Day of Leap did not happen AT ALL so I’m asking it again, and asking that this week’s VPAs act as proxy for the Day of Leap preparation, too. And maybe, despite the fear I have around this idea, I could schedule some time for gardening around the Floop’s berth, yes? I will think about this.
Onward!
VPA #1: Remembering my shoulder
What I want
I insulted a shoulder muscle grievously on Sunday and have been in recovery since then. I have special stretches and an ice pack that is supposed to happen every couple hours and so far this week I have not even come close, ahahahahaha. I would like space and time to remember to do this!
Ways this could work
Even though I have big projects claiming my attention today and this week, I can see places in my schedule where stretching and icing can fit. I can exploit those openings! Also, certain other projects could finish with greater ease than expected (ahem grant report) and I could also hand off duties to others when possible (ahem let someone else take meeting notes).
My commitments
To remember that I am still in recovery. Not every day will have a Monday of Rest behind it, like Tuesday did. To lighten my load. To sit with the self who is scared of paying attention to the pain and the recovery process, to find out what else she needs to feel safe.
VPA #2: Singing my song
What I want
I sing little songs in the car. Sometimes they help me figure things out? Yesterday’s little song was: I would like to experience the idea that change is not a restriction, and consequently not a judgment on what came before. And it changed into a different song this morning: I would like to experience change in a judgment-free atmosphere of welcome, and to experience this as a way to love what came before. More of this, please. Both the singing of it and the sentiment expressed in the song. (And this is all a tiny proxy for another thing connected to all this, which I’m throwing into the pot!)
Ways this could work
Change that isn’t scary or perceived as judgmental? Ahahahahahaha I can’t perceive any possible ways this can work. Yet. I’m willing to play with the idea that there is a part of me who might know about this, and to try tuning into her frequency a little bit.
My commitments
To play with the cognitions on both sides of this: both the songs I’m singing (about wanting, about knowing) and about the underlying realization that certain behaviors are being triggered by the change/restriction/judgment pattern. To think about bringing this into Shiva Nata even though the idea is way too scary on the surface. Yes.
VPA #3: Pants
What I want
Pants! Pants. It’s just fun to say. It’s not so fun to shop for. It’s getting a little ridiculous how much I need two pairs of comfortable and professional-type pants!
Ways this could work
I already had some mini-epiphanies about pants. Because I realized I know the part of me who loves pants already: pajama pants! And also, style icon Gabrielle used to wear her pants with adjacent stripey socks! I can continue to envision beautiful warm perfect pants, and spend time with the parts of me that know how to find them and feel comfortable wearing them. I can remember that this is deep self-care work, even if it stirs up my monsters. I can ask Mister Persnicket for time to myself in order to go shopping.
My commitments
Putting it here. Acknowledging it. Declaring my intention to visit the Money Tree. Declaring that this week will open up the perfect path towards the pants I’m dreaming about. And playing with it: pants! Just saying it is fun!
VPA #4: Ease
What I want
I have three weeks of really really REALLY big things on my plate. Ease, please.
Ways this could work
In the hard: I could fill out project cards. I can make a project docket (I love dockets!) to use for meta-project management? I think early to bed and evening congruence rituals are important. I can ask for the superpower of moving things off of my plate whenever possible (and remember the shoulder is connected to this!).
In the soft: I’m having trouble thinking about alternate ways to perceive this situation right now, so perhaps a new perception could just show up? Or I could use revue-time to acknowledge places of ease? Or something else, I’m not sure.
My commitments
Writing this here. Rereading this as necessary to connect to the me who is thinking about all this and sending love and ease and care and compassion to all the selves who are getting us through the hard and the good of the next three weeks.
.
May it be so. Xo to all!
@Claire P – I read that post! (Y’know, so as to “answer” your VPA.)
—
Soo… I’m still getting the hang of this VPAing thing. For now, I’m focusing on just articulating what I want, without feeling pressured (yes, my stuff, because I know no one is pressuring me) to do anything with it or to figure out how I might be able to diffuse the ache of the wanting. Because, for the moment, figuring out what to do is too much to deal with. So, below is a list of things that I want, without any attempt at resolving the want, without any guarantee that the want will be resolved, without any hope or despair as to the unresolvedness of wanting.
Here’s what I want –
Thing 1:
A place to live over the summer and the next school year that is kid-friendly, furnished, and cheap, so that Bunny can come stay with me over the weekends, and so that I have money left to tide me over to grad school the year after.
Thing 2:
To finish the essay that I’ve started by tonight, at the latest.
Thing 3:
Peaceful, nightmare-free sleep, please.
Thing 4:
For parents to agree to let Bunny visit me over the weekends. For the Supervised Access Center thing to go smoothly.
Thing 5:
To continue feeling grounded and in-the-moment. To figure out a way to lovingly interact with and diffuse the crippling fear/anxiety/guilt that keeps surfacing. Or at least, to notice it and stop resisting it.
Thing 6:
To finally change my address – there are easy ways to do this. I just have to remember them.
Thing 7:
A job for the summer. Preferably a good one, but a shitty one will do. One that gets me enough money to support myself and Bunny (over the weekends) and be able to pay for school next year.
Sigh. Maybe I can fractal flower the “what I could do” and “things to play with” parts of this over the week.
Silent Retreat on my VPAs (which I did write down, though).
@Claire P, thank you for the link!
And good wishes for you for your new baby’s upcoming birth.
You guys!!! Thank you. Rachel is a great writer and advocate for people on the spectrum like my Little Lad AND she’s writing on what is, like, the central most fundamentally life-changing idea I’m grokking right now. So… this message… it means a lot to me! Thank you for reading it!
And still no baby…. Obviously determined to be a Pisces…. *twiddles thumbs* *owwwww* *sighandhaloglow*