In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
You guys! This week! This week! This was the best week!
I really needed a week like this with all that’s been going on the past several months.
90% of this week’s magical happenings were due to the incredible results from all the Shiva Nata we did at Rally, and also ohmygod Rally! (Rally!).
But also everything just kind of conspired towards presence this week. That feels really good to type.
Anyway, I’m glad to be here in this particular Friday at this particular moment. Hi, Friday. Hi, lovely people. Hi, ritual of checking-in through chickening.
The hard stuff
Today.
Today was hard. Very hard.
Needing to say a thing and not having the words for it.
Waiting for courage and waiting for insight, hoping that the choice to wait is the right one but not getting a hit one way or another.
Choosing patience and second-guessing it.
Missing something that is not here.
Longing can be really fun sometimes.
Except that at other times it’s kind of excruciating.
Not having pirate crew in place.
And then having to do a bunch of stuff at Rally that made way more work for me.
Also: not realizing that this was going to be as hard on me as it ended up being. So that was super interesting to notice, and also not fun.
Not having a checklist in place and all hell breaking loose.
Not really.
But definitely seeing just what kind of disastrous stuff can happen when that mechanism is not in place.
And also all the resistance and shame and distress around that.
I still need to re-metaphor-mouse checklists though, because that word is neither fun nor reverent.
And the thing that I want now is magical, special, vital, fun, vibrant, alive and even a little big holy.
So I need to sort that out.
The question. “What might I do differently if I got a do-over?”
That brought up a lot of painful stuff about THEN.
Process, grief, regrets, not-regrets, all of it.
Luckily once I realized that it was the wrong question for that particular moment, I was able to enter the situation with a new question:
“What would help me feel better?”
Misunderstandings and crossed wires.
First with the neighbors, then online, then at home.
Great.
The noise the noise the noise the noise.
The house next to the Playground, the electricians in the crawl space, the handyman on the roof, the dripping from the leak in the roof, so many forms of noise.
Migraine central.
I was extremely unhappy about this.
Seeing the vision and not knowing how yet.
Always challenging.
The good stuff
So! Much! Good!
It was kind of overwhelming, actually.
I’m not used to this. I could get used to this.
Rally!!!!
There are not enough exclamation points for how I feel about this.
It was Rally (Rally!) and it was Rally #21, and something about the twentyfirst-ness of it all just clicked for me.
I felt like I knew all of Rally’s secrets, and we were making magic together.
Also, this group was so amazing. And so much fun!
WHAT A JOY. I loved this Rally and I loved everything about it.
The park.
I was able to walk every day and go swing in the swings every day, and to visit all the roses.
The roses, they are spectacular. And I visited them every single day.
The unbelievably incredible Shiva Nata that I was doing on my own.
Oh brain, oh love oh delight.
Oh, epiphanies.
I am a melting puddle of appreciation, wonder, discovery and sparkling.
The unbelievably incredible Shiva Nata that I did at Rally.
This was a courageous, fun group and they were up for anything.
So I brought out the crazy. As I shared over on the Shiva Nata blog:
Intense is not even the word for it. It was extraordinary and glowing.
An outlandishly luscious class. We were subsumed by flames and stuff like that. Shiva was all hey lady, would you like some deconstruction because I can bring it. Like that. I may have broken them.Or we may have broken everything. But in the most compassionately loving and playful way ever. It was awesome.
Everything. Reconfigures.
And after the class was over and we were all internally reconfigured, I knew (in that fleeting moment) all the truths about all the truths. Including about the loving gift that is being harmonious with the truths.
And! One of our Shiva Nata combinations was “discovering all the delights and delighting in all the discoveries.” Wow.
And GET THIS. I DID THAT THIS WEEK! IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
That was a really big deal.
Marisa was here!
We had secret dinner and pub night, and then she came to the Playground to sneak me away to lunch in the park.
Everything is better now.
The shift.
The thing that has been the second biggest source of grief, pain and anguish for the past four months untangled itself, and I was finally able to write the post I’d been terrified of writing.
In TWENTY MINUTES.
The thing that I have been unable to say for months because of my fear of being misunderstood and/or everyone hating me for saying it ended up being easy and simple and pure.
That’s because Rally is magic and Shiva Nata is extraordinary.
I did it! I met my big fear that people would misunderstand me, and I was okay. And everyone said the sweetest things. And then of course later some people did misunderstand me, but that was also okay!
Do you see?
The other shift.
There was epically unbelievable destuckifying this week, which showed up in a brand-new superpower that I didn’t even know about and certainly had not imagined that I would now have it:
The superpower of IMPERVIOUSNESS.
I got it this week. It just showed up. Along with new and much better boundaries.
For some reason all the things that I normally might take personally just weren’t personal anymore. It was outrageously great.
Results and mice, because on those shifts.
In so many ways, but, for example, I said a ridiculously scary and most-vulnerable-ever thing to someone, and it brought all sorts of unexpected good things into my life.
Including a mouse riot. Several mouse riots! This is a proxy and I can’t explain, but just assume that this is the best possible thing ever, and that the thing that I desired is the thing that is actually happening, and that it’s even better than I was picturing it. Mouse! Riots!
And yes, these are the same mice who were serving lunch last week.
Getting to meet the most lovely and amazing people.
I got to be with the most marvelous people at Rally!
We all just twinkled at each other and adored each other all week long.
Also Belle was there. She and being-alive are having the most passionate love affair ever, and I want to be exactly like her when I am 66. That is my plan!
Extreme cuteness in the Toy Shop.
We got brand new cuteness in the Toy Shop and it is so cute that I cried.
And then everyone bought everything. Yay.
Wisdom from an unexpected source.
Thanks to Ealasaid for the reading.
Transforming.
I’m part angel now.
It’s not what that sounds like, but I don’t know how to explain it yet. The point is, a really gigantic change that has been on its way for years finally got ACTIVATED, and it was extraordinary.
Loving a thing I used to hate, and getting to feel what that is like.
My least favorite yoga pose, aside from matsyasana (fish pose) and any variation on handstand (I love arm balances, as long as I am not upside down) is ustrasana, camel pose.
I never do it on my own, and in a class I will pretty much always exit about five seconds early.
Sometimes I do it with Bryan, and every once in a blue moon I stay in it the entire time.
Yesterday? I didn’t want to get out of camel pose. I wasn’t done.
What?!?!? That has never, ever, ever, happened, and it never occurred to me that it might. I mean, it’s not my pose. But yesterday it was, and I felt lusciously in it instead of the usual thing which is more like intentional being-present-with-my-discomfort combined with awareness of how intense my discomfort is.
And this is related to all the things that came from the new Shiva Nata stuff, specifically the impervious force field, the new grounding, the new support.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is a band I heard of through Danielle:
Jerky Strawberries
They’re loud, raucous, spiritual, dorky and hilarious. They play pirate music! At least I think they do. Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
If you have not been to a Rally (Rally!), get yourself to a Rally.
It’s a thousand billion trillion times more everything than what you think.
Also prices have to go up next month and next month is in like a week or something.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Havi!
Loving all of this, and much sparkles and rejoicing for the epiphanies. What an amazing week. And this: She and being-alive are having the most passionate love affair ever, and I want to be exactly like her when I am 66 . Oh what an inspiration :).
Planting a seed
This is more like a VPA but wanting to write it! So for various reasons, showing up at a Rally seems like climbing the Mount Everest right now… so clearly I might need to metaphor mouse. (that is one)
What I can do as a CWU is plant a seed ! A dreaming seed of coming to Floop rally or another kind of rally one day! I’ll plant the seed and see what happens.
The Hard
1. Not finishing something that was supposed to be finished forever ago. I really got stressed out over it. It’s not a hard thing… it seems there is a stuck and I did processing and GAH WHY.
2. Outsider complex showing up ; feeling excluded in a certain [silent retreat] situation.
3. Gap – Noticing the massive gap between happy Floop sharing and tough academic critiqueing; and how my life is divided into compartments. Strong shiny-forcefield woo-tolerance me and scared academic me and wanting to close the gap !
4. Unclarity in a certain situation. Clarity is coming and I have clarity but still the process is ongoing group-wise and gah clarity I want you everywhere!
5. Clearing / clearning The hard parts of moving things out of the way that shouldn’t be there anymore ! I desired empty spaces but getting there took some big destuckifying.
6. Big fears of a meeting. A lot of this was Now Is Not Then stuff… some of it is real. And mostly, it went into my body and paralyzed me for a while.
The Good
+ Watching Tangled for the first time with good company. Music. The garden. Summer inpsirations. Summer solstice. Going for drinks at the end of the evening. Friends everywhere, suddenly. New people to talk to and being able to connect to them. Also known as: no longer in depletion state… and I forgot how that feels like.
+ A new beau. 🙂 A new beau who gets a wide variety of things and makes fun of me and gets the joking!
+ Floop help for brewing a haka to protect me in this upcoming meeting. Specificaly, experiencing the magic of enhacning force fields with Andy.
+ A lot of writing and shifting. Feeling safe at floop and allowing things to shift, rather than doing it myself.
+ Surprise. allowing for surprise. and my flatmate showed up at my door with a gorgeous suit she didn’t need anymore after I napped on it one afternoon (not even a proxy; although, of course, also a proxy). And with this: trust. Trust is coming back to town!
+ Feeling how things have changed? Feeling the growth? Feeling… 28. Loving, for once, and maybe for the first time since 11 (when I skipped a grade), my age and where I am with it. Not being younger than everyone I care about and hang out with. Not being unfitting. Not being the older-sister type. Just being me and being happy there.
Oh! TMI? No there is not TMI here.
sending and hitting pooblish with love!
Ooo…a mixed bag of a week this week. still, I am glad to be here, and to be creating this life, drinking tea + snuggling with cats.
The hard:
Monday afternoon: very tired, something I thought was going to be super simple turned out to be complicated and frustrating, and then ended up bursting into tears when I discovered a trail of chocolate cake crumbs on the stairs I had *just* hoovered. Bah!
Coming down with a sniffely virus midweek.
O my, I am so stiff. One of the symptoms of the winter virus of doom was my body becoming super stiff and tight, slowly recovering flexibility and the sniffles this week back to being incredibly stiff. Frustrating, and then I feel I shouldn’t be frustrated. The weirdness of after years of regular yoga being less physically flexible that I’ve ever been in my life. Giant permission slip to feel what I’m feeling!
A money sovereignty thing. Silent retreating on details but there’s some sadness and angst.
Last night – super stressful.
The good:
Summer solstice. I actually had myself a lovely little ritual and have been feeling so much lighter and more present since then.
I put a pillow for my kitty on the table where I work – she loves snuggling and sleeping on it. So sweet!
Being moved to happy tears by the awesomeness of the feedback and experience of someone who is beta-testing my new thing.
Writing some stuff I really like.
Roses!
Taking Sunday to nestle in bed and read books and do yoga and nap snuggled up with ze feline. So good!
Lots of behind the scenes stuff going on with my baby business – zoom whoosh! clarity about what it is I’m actually doing and creating, lots of energy movement. Feeling like everything I’m doing is now coming from a much more centred and grounded and me space. Yay!
Love!
@Hannah – joining you in the seed planting! 🙂
Cluck!
Hards
– old stuff wasn’t just in my head and we had to have A Conversation. I was tired and Cut To The Chase which probably made it faster but more painful than it needed to be. I remain confused about what he wants. I suspect HE’s confused about what he wants. The cake but not the calories. And me going, ‘but whatever you create, as much as it might LOOK like cake, it’s just NOT cake. And IIIIIII want cake.’ and he does too but he’s hung up about the calories. Which just bewilders me a little. Cos I do it differently. Oh look wow- another opportunity to stretch my imagination and empathy to encompass an experience of what that might be like.
*ironic sparklers*
(I must be tired or I probably would be actually excited about that…)
– speaking of which, zzzzz zzz
– also, housework and laundry and the critters in the roof that I just wish would go away but haven’t. And feeling very immature and incompetent for still hating housework at my rapidly advancing age.
– my rapidly advancing age. It dawned on me this week how old I’m going to be in a month. And I did an experiment involving wrinkles and my bathroom mirror just to really hammer it he and feed the No Time Panic crew.
*more, even more ironic, (sardonic?) sparklers*
– feeling immature for having stuff about my age. Like: vain much? When there is so much stuff in the world that actually MATTERS? (but it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to). (Well, I haven’t actually cried, I’m not that vain.)
– Little Lad’s ears are all clogged up again and we’re back on the earache/rupture/icky goop running out his ear roundabout. I’m going to have to lobby against a bureaucracy to get new grommets in before 2026. Great.
Good stuff
+ my family. Wonderbaby and Little Lad, so lovely. He and I getting it figured out, mostly, again. I’m soooooo glad we found our way to here.
+ worked out that I was wrong! We have a school nearby for Little Lad that has links to local special ed school, so will have good protocols in place, and teachers that get it, and an open-hearted, supportive culture for a diverse range of superpowers and vulnerabilities. And its small but not too small and has lots of treeeeeees. I feel soooooo much better about next year.
+ money. You feel me? Not stacks, just ENOUGH! So good as a starting point!
+ winter solstice is done and the days are going to get longer from here on in.
+ have not had too many beatings from You Are A BAD MOTHER this week. Oh, there was that one… but, hmmmm, I forgot about it, so maybe something is different now? A fraction more space between the thoughts and me believing them, possibly? That would be nice.
Goodnight cheeps. Cxoxo
HARD
+traumatic nightmares, yuck
+feeling stressed and overwhelmed by [Rainbow Fiestathon]
+raveling and unraveling
+[friend-of-friends]’s death
+financial related stress
+feeling like [the Tweeterpeeters] are upset with me
+anxiety about my social skills [or lack thereof]
+gender freak out stuff, what else is new
+further drama of the Sight Balls, BLEEUURRGH
+[Crush] left [place] before he got to hear me sing
+not sleeping well, boooo
+this STOOPID water bottle that isn’t what i wanted and now i feel like i’m stuck with it
GOOD
+writing every day! starting every day with writing! YAY! sparklepoints!!
+discovering that you can input new search terms on Written?Kitten! so you can get puppies, hedgehogs, platypi, anything you want!!
+the World Changing Writing Workshop is AWESOME
+my little writing accountability group is ALSO AWESOME
+kurt vonnegut! literary love of my life!
+i had a Reiki client! i think it went really well!
+SINGING WITH MY AWESOME CHOIR <3 <3 <3
+going to karaoke with my choir friends
+carpooling to choir with my awesome friends and listening to their stories
+choir dinner party time
+practicing a cappella dubstep in the middle of the night!
+practicing Spanish
+getting ready for summer Quaker Gathering!!
+mint chocolate chip cupcakes!
+CWU for getting a massage
+being full of IDEAS!
+reading on the train!
+supporting [my friend and their transgender teenager] in their coming-out process!
Eeeee. So happy for Rally and for Shiva Nata and for Loving Gifts of Truth. 😀
Water for everyone’s seeds! (May we all Rally together in health and happiness!)
So, this week.
The Hard:
– Needing to write a thing and being told over and again to have patience and not having a bit of patience and being worried.
– Someone in my family creating a sticky and uncomfortable (very then-shaped) situation for me because they couldn’t deal with their own anxiety. Which of course perfectly triggered all my stuff.
– Not sleeping. Not falling asleep until midnight or later, and then waking up at 4 and not going back to sleep.
– The effect not sleeping had on my force field, and the resulting non-sovereign thinking and no-time-for-pause doing, and how very exhausting it was afterwards.
– Spilling food down my shirt. Early into my wedding. In front of everyone. And then walking around with food on my shirt the rest of the day. Because I never got five seconds to go wipe it off because that’s how busy/non-sovereign I was.
– Having so much fun with everyone in town visiting me…and how scared I am that I’ll never have this much fun again, and how much I miss my best friends *already* even though one of them is still here and I get to see her in a few hours. Resulting monster freakouts.
The Good: (OH SO MUCH! I’m going to write it ALL! Or most of it! Because SO MUCH GOOD!!)
– I got married!
– Hilarious bachelor/bachelorette party. Which involved no drinking whatsoever. And to which no one was invited except us. (We did talk to a stripper about breastfeeding for about an hour, though. In fact, that’s pretty much all that happened.)
– Getting to meet my husband(!)’s family and genuinely liking them. Also getting to meet his biological half-brother, who came all the way from California and looks EXACTLY like him, except blonde and skinny.
– Watching the hubsters, his brother, and my brother, have so much fun shooting nerf guns at each other.
– Finally getting the ceremony written perfectly and beautifully at the last minute, and having every moment of it go *exactly* *perfectly*.
– Huge symbolic transformation in the whole writing of the ceremony. Integrating Wiccan-me with Now-me in a way that feels congruent and beautiful and so so very important.
– Sushi with my favorite-est of favorite people. Who all got to meet each other and liked each other. Seriously, every moment of that day was held…
– My two best friends were in town! And I got to see them Wednesday, Thursday, Friday (for HOURS Friday, just the 3 of us), and one of them is taking a Shiva Nata class with me today. (And she’s coming to Rally in September with me, and will be in town for my birthday!)
– My Shiva Nata class? Almost entirely sold out. With lots of enthusiastic beginners. And even though I’ve been “on” since last Sunday, I am not at all drained and am SO looking forward to it.
– I doulaed the birth of this sweet little boy almost exactly 3 years ago, and I got to see him and his parents and his little sister. And they moved from Alaska to Washington so probably I’ll see them more often.
– Playing with babies. God I love babies.
– My love bought me a rocking chair! And it is so beautifully perfectly exactly what I was wanting, and he found it for super cheap and brought it home for me!!
– Being serenaded with “I’ve Just Seen a Face,” which is “our” song. And he included a verse on kazoo! So special!
– DELICIOUS gluten-free vegan organic food. The leftovers of which are sitting in my refrigerator.
– Wanting this to be a bridge between me-from-before and me-who-uses-force-fields-always (me-who-is-so-much-more-present) and how well that worked. Crossing that bridge.
– Knowing I was held and loved. Refusing to believe otherwise, and seeing it was true.
– The two mini-breakdowns, one of which was fixed by a hug, and one of which was fixed by a massage. So helpful!
– All the minor disasters that resolved within 30 seconds and with almost no anxiety. Lovely little reminders of held-ness and loved-ness.
– Accidental serendipitous bubbles which somehow became the unplanned theme of the entire occasion, so that most of my memories are tinged with someone, somewhere blowing bubbles at me.
– The Not-Quite-A-Guestbook, where we invited people to draw and use stickers and etc. And the HILARIOUS things the hubster’s family made (ahaha!) and the sweet and beautiful and wonderful things from everyone.
– Presents! Thoughtful kind beautiful presents! Including a lot of art made especially for us by our talented artist friends. (My ex gave me an original piece by his grandfather, who in addition to being a really famous artist, was one of my favorite people and supported my own art in a big way. So special!)
– Simone’s Yoga Nidra recordings, which are entirely responsible for the little sleep I did manage to get. So grateful to her for making them, and to me for thinking to listen to them. Mmmmmm…rest.
– The two days of the ceremony and reception were the only two sunny days this week. And they were GLORIOUS. Slightly breezy, not too hot, and just BEAUTIFUL.
– How many of our friends dressed up as pirates…
– I may have felt the baby kick for the first time.
– There was the perfect amount of pause and rest and downtime and alone time in between. So while I am tired and very much looking forward to a week’s honeymoon at the beach next week, I was able to enjoy every social situation and am very much looking forward to another day of socializing today. So rare!
– Andy (of Andy Everywhere fame) came to see us! I feel like a celebrity! (In the good way.)
– Finding out, probably for the first time, what it’s like to actually enjoy being surrounded by people. And realizing that it’s a direct result of my work on sovereignty and force fields. So basically the bridge again. The bridge that is being crossed.
Aaaaaah. That was really nice.
Wow, what a week! And I can’t believe it was only a week. And I *also* can’t believe it’s been a week already. I think that’s the Playground space-time continuum right there.
THE HARD:
Rally. I was a-feared of it. Big time. The time leading up to Rally awoke the Me From Then that is terrified of speaking up, of being myself, of being vulnerable in front of others. Such pin-prick proto-tears of fear and doubt and worry and shame!
Having to EXPLAIN (or feeling like I had to explain) what Rally is. Because holy cow, SO many people asked! Even though I do a lot of traveling, I almost never take time off for myself, so when I disappeared, it was like a signal beacon went up. Everyone popped up with their little rabbit ears and said, “Where did she go?!?” They tried to get me to explain before I left. They sent me emails while I was gone and asked some more. When I disappeared, they asked the people close to me where I was, and tried to get THEM to explain (which, of course, they couldn’t). And the second I got back: oh, the questions. The curious, digging-rabbity-twitchy-nosed questions. “You were at a WHAT, again?” “I didn’t know you even went IN for that yoga woo-woo business!” Overwhelming, and scary, and defensive-making.
The pile of deadlines (I mean, sparkly-pumpkin-completion!) I left behind, and then came back to on Friday.
First-time Shivanuttery + not-quite-healed run-over-by-a-car injuries + physical therapy when I got back = OW. Yikes, the ow!
THE GOOD:
Rally! Wow, it was so unexplainably amazing. And instead of being hit by the fear I was a-fearing, as soon as I walked (Jewish-humming!) through that door, I felt nothing but safety and confidence. (Also, the self-esteem monsters took a vacation to Lake Oswego or something during Rally. As far as I can tell, they’re still there. Good.) That, like, never happens for me. Such sovereignty and inspiration and flow and delicious ME-ness I’ve never had all at one time.
Actually making a valiant attempt to explain Rally in detail to three people I love, but whose potential responses I was nervous about, and all three of them were like, “That sounds awesome, and just what you needed! Tell me more! I want to do that, too!” Being perfectly understood when I was expecting to be misunderstood filled me with warm furry contentment.
I got SO MUCH DONE. Both in the pre-Rally flurry where I cracked the whip and forced myself to do it (ugh), and during Rally, when I was gentle and good to myself, and the ideas I’d been sitting on for years flowed and grew (fractally!) and took shape into something that I think will become a real, viable, living, breathing, in-the-world incarnation of my Tiny Sweet Thing—and soon.
I did Future Me a huge favor and made the studio extra-tidy before I left. So when I got back, it was like a little sparkly gift waiting for me. And now I can see just how I want to change it! Mwa-ha-ha-ha! (Thanks, Rally.)
Portland, I love you. As always. But this time you had extra-good food and flowers and sun and volcanoes and sweet people and general PDX goodness up your sleeves for me. Thank you—especially for the Kindergartner sandwich and the Pear Provence!
My fellow Ralliwags—all of them, but most especially Abi and Mary-Elena and Foxy Jess. You people are amazing. Big hugs to you all.
Shiva Nata! Yes! I KNEW I was going to love it, and I also KNEW that I had to save beginning for beginning in-person with Havi. And I’m so, so glad I did. And getting to grin my face off while seeing Havi do perfect, beautiful Shiva Nata with her arms while her legs did a lightning-quick Irish pirate jig was the best thing in the whole wide world.
Getting serious sketchbook time with all the roses. I couldn’t smell any of them (thanks, lack of sense of smell!), but I could certainly see them. So much color, so many perfect little droplets on every petal. Roses, and filtered sunlight, and fog up the hill above me, and my little watercolor kit. Perfect.
Any time Paul Bunyan makes a literal or figurative appearance in my week, it’s going to be a good week. But I discovered that when Havi leaves me a breadcrumb trail to an ACTUAL Paul Bunyan, everything is better. Yes. Thank you, Havi! Thank you, Paul.
Thank you, week. You were extra-super good.
Hello hello Chicken and Chickeneers!
@Havi, sending a huge YAY and cheering around your week! Loving Gifts of Truth = BING.
My Ouch Hards:
– I was deeply anticipating the Mermaid Parade Saturday (today!) but I realized I shouldn’t go what with the heat and the travel and my state of depletion and and *siiigh*. That’s really disappointing, but I would be more miserable to be dehydrated and sunscorched within a big crowd.
– Super-swamped at work; needing a lot of decompression time.
– Swamping resulted in me-time-turmoil and a drastic loss of my hold on my sovereignty.
– Hard-hitting Outsider syndrome in a place where I had to be “on” and cheerful.
– Body pains, skin flares, and nasty illnesses.
– Particularly being bitten by a spider… on my stomach.
– Housework falling by the wayside.
– Office chair breaking; working standing up.
– Madcrazy unworded wantings.
– A blog post that showed me something about myself.
My Whee Goods:
* Loads of Gemini friends with whom to be gleeful they were born and they’re still around 😉
* Plans are moving slowly, but I can see the movement. Hurrah!!
* A drive with a good friend.
* Being able to hire someone *awesome* and experience yet again why I wanted him to join our team.
* Planting more herbs! and getting more plants!!
* End of week thunderstorm YAAAAY!
* A blog post that showed me something about myself.
Sending loads of love to every Chickeneer, wherever you all are.
I was at Rally, and I am glad about that!
I am still processing it, and I have OH SO MUCH ahead of me, but I wanted to check in at least briefly to say that I got home safely, last night, and woke up this morning with a feeling of interest and possibility, even though I am surrounded by OH SO MUCH that was daunting a week ago. I will play with internal balance and see what happens. I’m kind of looking forward to it. And that’s good. 🙂
Sending good wishes to all, especially my sister Rallionesses!
P.S. Special happy thank-you wave to Chandler–I liked reading about your process! Yay for all the good you wrote about, and may the hard already be in the process of transforming itself into good!
@Risa: hiring awesome person = so much YAY!
@Chandler: sketching roses — so beautiful (the idea, and your description, and the pleasure of reading about your pleasure in it)
@Rhiannon: congratulations! may there be many more beautiful days to amplify the beauty of the day. 🙂
And sending waves of spaciousness and abundance and hope to all y’all, posting and lurking.
Hard:
* a client threw a shoe that knocked me off-balance
* still physically recovering from extreme lack of sleep earlier in the month
* having to decline invitations to avoid repeat of sleep deprivation
* having to defer correspondence
* I’d like to repair/replace various appliances and furnishings, but now is not the time
Good:
* nicer conversation with shoe-thrower later in the week
* my job allows naps, and my sweet doggie made a point of staying with me when I sacked out
* good meeting with new client
* hiking with one friend and brunch with another
* finding a new home for some of my old books
* finally letting go of some things from college
* discovering new resources for Future Me
* ongoing birthday celebration (the official day was back in May, but surprises still showing up)
* my mentor
* my fantasy tennis team
***sending shiny pinwheels and tall glasses of watermelon agua fresca around to everyone who wants ’em***
Congratulations @Rhiannon! I have been following the story on the blog…
The hard:
Intense heat, almost as bad as intense cold. Ugh.
Menstrual migraine, pass the ice pack!
Husband of [neighborhood friend] died suddenly. This brought up a lot of remembered grief and loss, and also the mother of all What-If monsters. Went to wake, very sad, ended evening with raging headache.
The good:
Change in the work situation which means I have a little more mental space. Time to think about other things and occasionally do a little reading. Hello, brain! Glad you are still there.
I worked a day at home! I actually got things done! It was so lovely.
Enough clarity to realize I can go on therapy hiatus for a while, after continuous weekly visits since 2008.
Discovered that I miss taking care of plants in the summer, so a trip to my favorite garden center took place. After four years off it is great to be fussing, watering, nurturing again.
Contemplating the idea of Future Me. I need to find out more about this person. Does anyone have any suggestions on good ways to do this?
All good wishes to the check-inz.
How about observation tower as a metaphor for checklist?
Chickening…
HARD:
Week was a blur. Being cranky because Thursday completely over-booked. Triggered resentment and lots of old bad burny feelings.
Last day of school + 6 yr old’s birthday party. ARGH.
Financial ouchies. Stress.
Didn’t get any writing done, and already missing a deadline.
GOOD:
Unexpectedly put up first ebook! And people are buying it! YAY!
Home again from in-law family reunion, which was lovely but HSP stressful. Yay, Home!
And creating systems, slowly! Yay, Book of Me-ish-ness!
Mwah. Love you guys.
Another week gone by.
Still happy. Even with some hard things, I’m still floating along feeling happy.
Taking notes because I’m doing something right!
Someone tried to involve me in a drama with a family member and I didn’t let them suck me in. Yay, sovereignty!
I spent a couple of days and sleepless nights reading obsessively. Then I realized what I was doing and why, had a lengthy dialog with myself and the obsessiveness ended. Obsessiveness is always an indication of a problem.
Learned some things that are going to be extremely useful.
Spending time outdoors.
Kittens living under my deck. So cute! Our neighbor is trying to find homes for them. People who abandon these animals are scum.
We have a friend who is a notable hostess but because of health problems she has not been able to have parties for some time. But this weekend, she had a party and we went. It was great! I met an extremely interesting young man whose father I have known for a long time and who I admire greatly.
MrB has decided that he is going to need his wheelchair when we go to London. Hard? Good? Having his decision is good. So is having the wheelchair; we won’t have to rent one. I plan to get some colorful duct tape to personalize it before we go.
Counting down to London trip. Less than a month! I’m auditioning clothes and shoes, so every day getting dressed is a reminder!
Someone said that to be happy, you need someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. I’ve probably quoted that here before. Anyway, I’ve got it.
Yay for everyone’s good, and hugs for the hard.
Oh, and how could I forget this very special thing: I am officially in the Order of the Golden-Hearted Bear!
@VickiB — I don’t even know what the Order of the Golden-Hearted Bear is, and I love it.
Hard:
–Driving through omg rain. On the Interstate. Torrents of rain. For miles and miles and miles.
–Feeling caught in the middle of parenting stuff, between a partner (mine) who sometimes seems to feel that cutting a child any slack at all is totally wrong and a parent (mine) who sometimes seems to feel that disciplining a child ever at all is totally wrong. Gah. I’ve already said too much.
–Not being able to go to the beach on my birthday, dammit. Oh, all right, making choices that preclude going to the beach on my birthday, dammit. There were good reasons for those choices, but I really like to go to the beach on my birthday, dammit!
–A miscommunication that had me unable to sleep for hours even though I was exhausted, threw me into that horrible can’t-sleep-until-I-feel-happier, won’t-feel-happier-until-I-sleep state of being. Ugh.
Good:
–So much love from family and friends, near and far, on my birthday. Gifts, cards, special food, custom cake, and so many kindnesses. I am so thankful for this!
–Cozy, intimate times with my nearest and dearest. Feeling so cherished!
–Lovely bursts of creative energy and creative sovereignty. I love this!
–Taking a step forward with my website. No visible results yet, but I can feel the zing of investing in myself and taking myself — seriously? playfully? both. It’s beautiful, and so inspiring.
Sending love and thanks for all of your chickens. This is a lovely place to be, and you are lovely people to be with.
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard
– so so hot out and the air conditioning at work was broken
– not liking my new doctor AT ALL
– some lack of focus
The Good
– pool days!
– massive un-stucking on 4 projects that I’ve been avoiding
– students letting me know they enjoyed an exercise that I made them do
Ah, Chicken. I realized I’ve been avoiding chickening because I’m afraid of bringing all the hard here (hello, pattern!). For this chicken I shall venture gently, and silent retreat if it gets to be too much.
The Hard:
– having weird flash-back type things, that aren’t really visual flashbacks, but more emotional flashbacks. Just bleh.
– fading out/shutting down during my conversation with H, because I felt unsafe trying to negotiate between the I-would-really-like-some-help stuff and the legal consequences of getting help. Didn’t know how to communicate this to her as it was happening.
– really angry that this legal stuff is intruding upon my therapy sessions. Not effing fair. *I* was the target, no one else. I shouldn’t have to be responsible for all this other shit.
– feeling like I have internally shut down. Tried a lot of things before I was able to feel present again.
– feeling tired but not getting very good sleep.
– exam that I need to prepare for – given the above, awful timing.
– a group project, also, awful timing. So tired.
– feeling invalidated when [a teacher] decided to ignore [something very obvious and salient] in favour of some psuedo post-feminist interpretation. My stuff, I know. But also very irresponsible of them.
– food stuff coming up, even though I thought I’d dealt with all my food issues.
– being treated like an effing extension of someone else. No, I am not flattered. No, you cannot commit my time and emotional resources to someone without asking me. No, I am not an extension of you. No, my sole function in life is not to take care of people. No, I am not well enough yet to dole out love and compassion like it doesn’t take energy. So angry.
– A tiny thing, but – my phone is out of minutes and texts, so I can’t talk to anyone (H in particular).
– feeling excluded at Pride, when people started talking as though everything was fine for the younger generation. Just. No. Intersectionality, goddammit!!
– finding out that the DV bill wasn’t passed in [country]. Brought up so much stuff. And sadness.
– being afraid of getting blood test because of food issues. Feeling like, if there is anything wrong, my doc will be angry/won’t understand/think I am irresponsible (which are actually things that my monsters think).
The Good:
– The women and trans march was beautiful and lovely and intimate (and adequately politically conscious!)
– My friends are awesome. So much support from them.
– Baby tomato plants are growing strong and robust. I feel happier every time I look at them.
– I didn’t resort to using old coping methods to deal with the fading out/shutting down. Progress.
– The weather is lovely.
– I feel more or less okay, despite all the hard.
– Pride march at [bigger city] this weekend!
– Sonnets! Learning to write them and doing quite well. Pleased with myself. Also, returning to writing feels like coming home to myself. It helped with the disconnectedness.
– Learning to say “no” to people. It really is helpful thinking of it as a gift.
– my tattoo is all decided upon and the date is scheduled. Excitement!
Thank you for this space, everyone 🙂 Love to all your chickens.
Amnesty chicken please 🙂
The hard
I thought someone threw a shoe and ducked. It left me feeling wee and vulnerable, Wee Me ran & hid under the table & didn’t want to come out. Lots of coaxing and fort building.
Feeling bad about feeling dread for a ‘happy’ thing, not wanting to spoil other people’s day but being too much in my stuff.
The good
Hey ho, it wasn’t a shoe at all. Phew!
An unexpected night out, which I really wasn’t keen on, turned out to be enjoyable, which makes me feel better about the chances of other things being ok.
Summer, (well, not the weather which is yuk)but soon there will be tents and camping and hills and freedom and Welsh rain is beautiful anyway! Woohoo!
My ood is going rather swimmingly, thanks for asking 🙂
Thanks and sparkly things to Havi for giving me such a great way to map the process xx
Sunday Chicken Dinner!
The Good:
new iMac. Hi dear!
Finished the triathlon! The swim: didn’t need to get pulled in by a boat. The bike: 3 minutes faster than my goal time. Left everything I had out there on the course, almost puked and cried at the end. A good sign.
My friends getting up at 6am and walking 1.7 miles to the beach to cheer me on. Best friends ever! Ever.
Then a boat ride with friends. Heaven.
The Hard:
Last of the swimmers of my heat. The 2 girls I passed had to get pulled in by boat. Wish I was faster.
Still, in the quiet of the night, I wonder “will I be alone forever.”
¡Hola, chickeneers!
Mouse riots! LOVE this. Indelible images here. All brilliant.
The Hard: Overflowing with energy and ideas for my biz, and I still have a day job! Want to workworkwork on my calling because it is calling me SO LOUD! Also a 900-foot-high life experience that I will take silent retreat on, but OH. Oh my.
The Freaky: Lighting 86ed our hot water heater and now we have no hot water. And it will take a while to get parts.
The Good: I remembered Crossing the Line! It’s still a long way away but I am getting excited. And four new clients. And full of ideas for business. And helping other new business people. And more connections. And going to a retreat with Martha Beck. And lots and lots of days of aperitifs on the balcony at the end of the day strung together. And life feels really amazing.