Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Mmmmmm. Hello, Today. Today I woke up with wants. Breadcrumb trails of wanting. Let’s find out.
One more thing: today I am pretending that VPA does not stand for Very Personal Ads but instead is not-very-secret acronym code for Visions of Possibility & Anticipation, which feels thrilling. I need that right now.
Visions! Possibilities! Anticipation! Wanting all the wants.
It also fits with my new plan to make Monday a writing day instead of a working day. My day of Wishes & Glowing Desires. Yes, well, I’m in kind of a mood and everything is hilariously dramatic right now.
Anyway. This feels more playful and congruent with the more intimate practice that is being born, it has to do with a certain dedication to me and my me-ness more than what I was doing before, it’s kind of hard to describe right now.
Thing 1: Updating the updates.
Here’s what I want:
To make the updates. This covers both super mundane stuff and some big important things.
Firefox-wise and in other ways. Lots of other ways.
Ways this could work:
I can call on the superpowers of consolidation, assimilation, integration.
And I can ask for help. Oh, and I can process this on the Floop! Yay!
I’ll play with…
Finding out what the secret desire is behind the updates.
I think this is about wanting more harmony and congruence, but there is also something about transitioning into Incoming Me. This will require a lot of presence and permission too.
Scary! But I am committing to finding ways to make this feel fun, playful and light-hearted. And if I can’t find those ways, I will back off until I can.
Thing 2: Two things about words.
Here’s what I want:
Right now I am loving the words Assignation and Tryst.
Especially I am enjoying the symbolic aspects of +forbidden, +secret, +under-the-radar, +arranging, +lovers, +anticipation, +looking-forward.
This sounds like way more fun than say, appointments. Or meetings. I want to think of ways that I can turn more things into trysts.
And I want to rethink checklists again.
Ways this could work:
Of course my old compatriot metaphor mouse will be helpful here.
I am not going to ask for suggestions from people because I need to find words that reflect my own personal associations. I want something that comes from the attributes that are meaningful for me.
But I can do some stone skipping about that and investigate the themes.
I’ll play with…
Wanting what I want, and letting that be okay.
Or really, having the hypothesis be: what if that were okay?!?!
Thing 3: INDEPENDENCE!!!
Here’s what I want:
In this piece I wrote and shared at the Floop that was basically an essay on How To Be In Proximity To Havi, I said the following:
These are the things that are the most important to Havi in life! Independence, freedom, autonomy, playfulness, sanctuary, retreat, light-heartedness, possibility, agility, congruence, being the sovereign queen of her internal kingdom.
And that is true. That is a lot of independence. I want to look at more of the ways that I would like this independence to be a thing. In my home, my business, my life, my everything.
Ways this could work:
I can unpack some of my associations with this word.
The fourth of July could be useful, possibly? I mean, it’s coming up and I made a choice to live in this country, at least for now, and maybe there is something there.
I’ll play with…
Noticing what I already know about this.
Adding things to the shared pool of knowledge, as they call it in Crucial Conversations.
Generally being investigative, curious, receptive to knowing what I know.
Thing 4: Alice sees under things!
Here’s what I want:
This is from a line in the Phantom Tollbooth which is, obviously, the best book in the entire world.
There is this boy called Alec who can see through things, and then he says, “… and my little sister Alice sees under things.”
I am seeing under things. I am also seeing underthings. These are not the same but they are connected in weird and important ways. They were in my dream.
And Alice is also alles, which has to do a number of things, but especially with ALL THE ROSES, which was my clew last week at Rally.
I apologize that this is so vague, but I’m just going to leave it like this for now.
Ways this could work:
This one is going to require some serious OODs.
And some talking to the monsters.
I am going to ask for the superpowers of grace, agility, permission and trust. Yes, please.
And who knows, what if this could be easier than I think it can? Planting THAT.
I’ll play with…
Doing ridiculously hard Shiva Nata on it until I get my loving moments of truth.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Potter (my mouse) wanted a hat, and he does not yet have a hat. But I really enjoyed asking for him, and I am going to trust that one day he will have just the right hat and that will be grand. Also I am taking him to a hat parade!
Then I wanted ease-filled sovereign announcing, and it totally happened! And it was about a thousand times less painful than I’d imagined. JOYOUSNESS.
Then I wanted the construction noise at the Playground to go away because it was driving me crazy. And it did! The First Mate called the owner of the building and she yelled at the electricians for not checking with us about when they could be in the crawl space over where I teach, and they rescheduled for when I am not teaching!
MOVEMENT. Yay.
Then I wanted many small plumlets, and one is already almost written! That is huge.
There was an ask about [Boston/Astoria]. No physical progress yet but emotionally this feels way less impossible, so progress.
And I wanted quality time with Incoming Me, which I got but I still want more of. And I wanted to process sadness and it was processed in exactly the right way. Thank you. This practice has held me through so many things, and I am looking forward to these new visions of possibility and anticipation which is what I am going to think from now on when I say VPA.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
Follow
Oooh!!! Visions of Possibility and Anticipation! I just love this! 🙂
I have so many VPAs swimming around in my head thanks to Rally, and this is what they want to be called! This is going to make it so much easier to process them!
Yay!!! 🙂
Visions of Possibility and Anticipation!
Oh goodness (really!), this opens up the process, and possible results, of VPA-ing sooo much!
Thank you!
I am going off to think of what they might be for me for this week.
(…jumps up and down…)
deep, handonheart sigh.
VPAs!
I am opening space in my heart for the next five clients. Some current clients have completed their work with me, and there is time and space now for more people to come in. Five more people who are like lady pirates from the 19th century, mischevious and bold and the tiniest bit into adrenaline for its own sake, and laughing and clever and wild and sweet underneath it all. They know they deserve deep engagement and deeper truth. They have no respect for lies. They know they deserve their very own best. And they know that they sail their own ship, and they need a navigator.
I want those people to find me, so we can plot their course for the far horizon, and so I can remind them to stop partying in the Caribbean so they can get the real riches they seek.
WTCW: they could see this post! Or someone who knows them could see this post and send them my way.
They could see one of my posts at GoodVibes.com/blog or they could find my Facebook page.
They could join my meetup! They could come to the Toozday Morning Zap! They could know someone I know in person! They could bump into me at the grocery store!
They could receive a Random Act of Awesome!
My commitment: to keep Doing The Things. Breakfast tomorrow. Laundry! Writing All The Words. But mostly meeting people Everywhere. And finding more ways to rejuvinate from it afterwards.
**
I want to See the person.
(silent retreat! but maybe soon.)
**
I want to continue to inhabit my spaces more. Right now I am mostly moved into my office and not really moved into my house. I want to know what to do to move all the way into my house–what is missing? What needs to happen?
(silent retreat!)
**
I want to have more music in my life! Mu! Sic!
– new guitar strings since I snapped one
– more listening to the music I have already
– permission to buy two new songs a week
– Orange Juice warmups!
**
I want to find more of my people.
– cheeto stains (this is kind of code)
– healers’ gathering?
– mastermind?
I suspect I will have to start something.
**
I want to move my body more! Ocean! And SN!
–corollary VPA: the secret lab.
**
and lastly, people people people.
This is all kind of shorthanded. But it needed to be done. May it be so!
For all of us.
OOOOhhhhhooohhhh trysts! You said that and I knew that’s what I needed to replace “interviews” with. Instead of a judgement meeting, it’s two people conspiring together, on he same side, with excitement! (We can be on the same side even if I don’t get offered a job, even)
Loves all of it!
My VPA’s
I am re-asking /updating everything of last week. Good job, Hannah of last week! Things are moving but its like… I could use more support for this. Solidifying. Believing it can happen. Listing them. I believe in you, desires!
1. A wonderful conversation
What I’d really like this to be like: expressing my needs. Openness. Letting go of the outcome. Connecting to past and future me’s before this. Compassion. Communication. Strength.
2. A Solid Draft
What I’d really like: a solid storyline would be enough. I want to be pitching this as an elevator pitch. After watch ‘The greatest movie ever sold’… (oh its a proxy!) I want to be able to pitch! I love advertising! Bringing it to my research!
Turns out I want an elevator pitch!
3. Clarity in a Situation
There is more clarity, actually. Now I’d just like to fill up on it. On simple simplicity and enjoyment and on having time, so much of it.
4. More play with the force field
I think (inspired by the above) hanging out with Incoming Me would be awesome. I’ve been noticing I am ready to be done with a few containers, a few rituals I created in the spring. I am ready for new summer rituals.
I’d like to soak myself in safety and put it first; whatever else might happen. Yes. Again – letting go of the outcome. Happiness/safety first, its a new thing.
5. Preparation for Retreat Week
Ties into everything beautifully. I booked retreat week. I took that leap of faith. I’d love to do more entry rituals; talk to my friend who is coming; prepare the way; set it up.
Yay, remembering vision! I just wrote that earlier today, in an example of my giving the advice that I need the most. “Take my advice; I’m not using it.”
Speaking of vision, when I first read this I thought you woke up with warts, poor Havi. While I have been a little uncomfortable with having wants, I now see that there are a lot worse things to have! (And also, it’s OK to increase the font size.)
Speaking (obliquely) of getting older, I want to be more –ok– radiant about how I spend my time. I feel tense justifying every minute, because my needs aren’t being met for flow and adaptability. Sometimes I need to do things quickly and half-assed, sometimes lingering, sometimes diving and perfecting.
I want to remember that the force field has both radiance and daisies, nicely balanced. The rays don’t trip over the daisies. The daisies aren’t getting scorched. There is big stuff and little stuff.
Thank you for metaphor mouse! And reminding me that words that “randomly” remind me of other words are probably clews, beautifully connected in fractal flowers! I want the flower to be pretty even if I haven’t taken all the steps to figure out the equation.
P.S. I want a “How to be in Proximity to Me” pamphlet. I’d make it a big manifesto of what I want from those important people near me!
What I want:
The right combination tomorrow of Secret Attache Power, letting other people keep their Sovereignty, remembering what is mine to carry and what is someone elses, and most importantly knowing when to execute the essential skill of Shutting The Hell Up.
The Courage (and money!) to sign up for another triathlon, another obstacle course race and a running and meditation retreat.
The anxiety is creeping back in. I don’t know if its anxiety or Big Mistakes but I’m VPAing to remember what to do when this happens. Invite Mara in for tea, sit, lean in, keep moving forward, don’t die.
Possibiliting and anticipating…
A Thing that is part of a bigger Thing: vacation within three weeks. I need to complete three big projects before I leave. I would like to interact with these projects wearing P & A lenses (and Abundance frames, while I’m at it).
WTCW: superpowers. permission slips. convenience foods/takeout. roleplaying (aka impersonating SFM).
Committing to: staying in touch with SFM. staying on the rails.
Sending everyone support for their VPAs.
Last week, I wanted a passage into incoming me and HOLY COW did that happen. No cows were harmed, etc. But amazingness. And I wanted “harmonious community,” which I honestly wasn’t entirely sure existed, but it DOES and I CREATED IT. More cows with holes but in a healthy way.
I *also* did some extra bonus asks in the Floop midweek and all those happened bee-YOO-ti-flee. Really, it all went well.
So. My visions of possibility and anticipation (love this!) are:
1. Blanket Fort Brunching
What I want:
I want the Blanket Fort’s right people to hear about it with congruence and spaciousness. For the 20 spots that are left to be filled, if that’s the right way. I especially do *not* want my stuff to get in the way of what the Blanket Fort is in the world to do.
Ways it could work:
I could write a blog post? I could destuckify why writing a blog post about this is so difficult… I’m sure that force fields are the answer, in one way or another.
What I will play with:
Shiva Nata. Force fields. Oh! And I’m also calling force fields “Radiant Presence” now. So Radiant Presence, and Presents of Radiance. Time in the Floop?
2. Futher Bridging
What I want:
For this week of hidden-away-at-the-beach to help me cross *another* bridge into Me-who-is-radiantly-present-ness. To come back even deeper in my force field. Also to spend some time visioning (I need a better word for this! A whole new vocabulary, I suppose) the answers to the questions people are bringing to the Blanket Fort. To let their questions soak up the qualities of the Blanket Fort and to record the responses that come.
How it could work:
I could bring my chicken coop to the beach! Or the pool! Or the bath! Chickens+water, is what I’m saying. SO much more time on entry. So much more time processing pain. Taking care of my body, first and foremost. Long rambling walks on the beach.
I’ll play with:
Radiating presence. Loving the Blanket Fort and everything it could do. TANTRA BREATHING EXERCISES (of sexy ecstatic amazingness!) Yoga nidra to get good sleep. More presence. More radiance. Times ten.
3. Big and Little.
What I want:
Mostly silent retreating on this one. Qualities of curiosity, safety, haven, love, reconfiguration.
Ways it could work:
I could talk to the monsters. I could make a safe room. Pretty much anything at the Floop. Sitting by the ocean. Sitting by the pool.
I’ll play with:
Sending love, for now. Staying open to the legitimacy and the essence of the monsters’ concerns. Safety first! Continuing to silent retreat.
4. The List!
What I want:
I want a list! For me! But it’s bringing up all my monsters. So I want the list to happen in a way that is connected to love and which works for my monsters too.
Ways it could work:
Love for the monsters. Legitimacy to the monsters. Patience with the monsters. Presence. Radiance. Etc.
I’ll play with:
All of the above, in the amounts I can stand. On the beach!
WHOOSH. Into the world.
Visions of Possibility and Anticipation!
Here’s something I’ve been wanting for a while, and feel ready to begin playing with in earnest. I would like to make some incremental changes to my diet, beginning with these two things: I would like to stop eating red meat, and I would like to stop drinking soda pop.
Ways this could work: First, gentle sovereignty on the home front. No one else in my household has any interest in giving up either of these things, and I feel no need for them to do so. Up to now, when red meat has been the protein source for a family meal, I’ve said “oh, well” to myself and eaten some. I’d like to stop doing that. I can seek out a simple protein alternative, if I wish, such as cheese or an egg.
Second, when I feel a craving for red meat or soda pop, I can try asking myself, “What is the essence of this craving? Is there some other thing I can eat or drink that would give me this essence?”
I’ll play with: gaining clarity as to why I want to make these dietary changes. I do have some inklings, but I want to bring them more into focus.
I love the name Visions of Possibility and Anticipation. Like Sue T said, it opens up the process and possible results of VPA-ing.
I need a slightly different name for it, Visions of Possibility and Awesomeness, because when I think about the visions of what I want, my mind goes, “That would be awesome! Is it even possible?”
Thing 1
Last week, two things I asked for were for the present state of floating along being happy to continue, and for more EASE. I would like that to continue – that would be awesome! Is it possible?
How I will find out if it’s possible:
I will make sleep and rest a priority.
I will put self care needs first.
I will do things that I enjoy.
I will find constructive things to do when I am inclined to sit and worry.
Thing 2:
This week will be more challenging than the past few weeks because just today, because of three separate incidents, I have MrB and the Boomerang Boy both in wheelchairs and a broken computer. Just today! And I coped beautifully with all of it. I was fully present, fully capable, in my force field, and dealt with everything with EASE!
This week I want to continue to be happy, to continue to be in my force field, to cope easily with whatever new events I am faced with. Often the sudden onset of a problem becomes a crisis and having a string of crises gets me down. What if it didn’t? Wouldn’t that be awesome? Is it possible?
How I will find out if it is possible:
I will remember the past few weeks.
I will force field often.
I will look at situations from different perspectives: maybe the situation is not a crisis; maybe it is a crisis for someone else but not for me; maybe I don’t have to work as hard as I think I do when it is someone else’s crisis.
I will use the superpower of Applied Knowledge to Set Things Up in response to these situations so that they are no more difficult than they need to be.
Right now I don’t want to do anything. Or rather: I want to do do-nothing. And I suddenly realized that nature is doing that too. Midsummer, end of growing season. A time to sit down and let things ripen by themselves. The less you touch them, the better they ripen.
So I am doing nothing in a glowing way and love it. After a busy-bee time I am now a little St.John’s firefly (or is it called a glow-worm?)
What I want: Clarity.
I have to make a decision. A very, very hard decision, that will have very, very big consequences for everyone involved. Not good consequences, regardless of which course of action I take.
This is hard.
I am pausing to acknowledge the hard.
I need to make this decision with as much information about the consequences as possible.
Ways this could work:
Safe rooms for parts of me that are scared.
Bringing strong-me to the front of the V.
Courage.
I could sleep and see if it seems as scary tomorrow.
I could talk to my bff.
I could trust the me that knows.
Support:
The place that I went that one time.
My bff.
Deep breathing.
Myself.
Healthy food.
Blossom
Invoking Sovereignty, so that I know this is *my* decision
Gwishes for the pot….
* me-ness
* spaciousness
* compassionate detachment
* detached compassion
* a new word for detached which feels very cold….. containment? singularity? bubble-ness? Ah, see, here’s the thing. I don’t like anything that feels like it separates me from anyone/thing else. Detaching, boundaries, force fields, etc. I want to be IN the world not in a BUBBLE. but when I’m in the world and [shit] happens, I feel scared/sad/invaded/bad. But that’s because I’m attaching to the ATOMS AND ELECTRONS AND SPECIFIC ENERGY UNITS OF THAT PARTICULAR ENERGY EXCHANGE, when really, the electrons that zip and zap between you and me when we touch work equally well wherever they are. So I’m not ACTUALLY losing energy when I come in contact with the world. I am PART of the world and energy is NEVER lost it only changes form and all is one so even though it might FEEEL like I’ve lost energy I haven’t really it’s just sitting over there now part of that person/thing/experience and I in my essential me-ness that animates and coordinates this particular constellation of atoms is still in tact and whole and whoaaa…
Well I don’t know if this really qualifies as a proper post to write here but it was quite a wooooozy vision of Oneness and possibility and yeah I guess I’m anticipating seeing if I can tap into this again next time I feel attached/attacked……..
Ummmm, yeah. Okay…. Er…. Um. Bye.
Been lurking on here for ages – huzzah for stepping into the comment waters!
Numero Un
Coddling the parts of me that need to be coddled.
I went through some really awful stuff early this week, and it brought up bucketloads of hurt and anger and feeling threatened and small scaredy me was feeling very small and very scared.
Ways this could work:
Snuggling in blankets. Building blanket forts and safe rooms. Crying to let the hurt out. Going for walks in the sunshine. Reminding myself that “I am not there now.” And I don’t have to go back if I don’t want to.
I’ll play with:
Accepting the hurt.
Numero Deux:
I have a very difficult email to write related to ask numero un. Actually the email itself is quite straightforward. It’s the response I’m anticipating and my relation to that that is difficult.
Ways this could work:
Asking Franklin for help. Finding another persona to write the email and take the heat for it on my behalf. Asking for help.
I’ll play with:
Remembering that this is MY body, and ultimately my decision.
Numero Trois:
I need to start practicing a more forgiving and gentle way of being in my body. Rather than punishing it or loathing it, I want to protect it and care for it in loving, supportive ways. Teamwork, not slavedriver.
Ways this could work:
Going for walks. Stretch breaks. Just breathing. Acknowledging pain and then doing something helpful about it, instead of pushing through.
I’ll play with:
Textures. Levels. Sunlight and stretches.
Thanks Havi! Reading your blog is always a highlight of my Mondays and Fridays 🙂
Visions of Possibility and Anticipation! Yes.
1. Echoing Loon: Clarity. Just ongoing clarity. The muddy water is stirred; the balls are in the air; the irons are in the fire; the tea is brewing… life is pregnant with possibility, and with that comes such anticipation. Clarity of vision! as I settle, juggle, wait, steep.
Ways this could work: BE. Be still. decide priorities. Take care of myself. relax.
I’ll play with: relaxing! changing expectations (or not having any). receiving.
2. Stepping into my new Self, moving toward…something. Excitement! but waiting. Anticipation! but waiting. Movement! yet stillness.
Ways this could work: keep on! Do the work! Links and networks and communications and friends from allwheres.
I will play with: Receptivity. Patience. Work. The physicalness of life, the mentalness of waiting.
3. That thing I said I would work on but have now forgotten. Something to do with relationships and old patterns.
Ways this could work: trust myself. Know I am not now who I was. desire/will/want/lust/love toward…something new that is more aligned with Now-Me.
I will play with: recognizing and acknowledging the past-now as I let it fade into the past-past. love and lust and desire and will and want.
I am committed to: doing the dance, saying the words, living the life, practicing.
Thank you 🙂
Visions and possibilities! I love this very, very much.
Mine for this week:
1. Love for all the dropped threads
So many projects that abruptly stopped two weeks ago, prior to my big trip. Including: the simplify house project, the Shoppe project, yin yoga, the W container.
My vision is gentle love and action on all of them. This may involve conscious entry, safe rooms, all my Floopified knowledge about interacting with resistance.
2. Desires and discernment
Theme for the week and the month and the year has been: figuring out what the heck I want. Or dissolving resistance around what I have.
My vision is more figurings and deconstruction on this theme, including the super hard Shiva Nata I know I can do and the superpower of percolation.
…
That’s it for this week! Meanwhile, on last week’s VPAs…lots of the things that didn’t happen simply need more time, or new ways of being configured. I re-ask and throw into the pot all the ones that didn’t happen. With bonus gwish for: money fluency and flow in order to make some of the pieces happen with greater ease.
The things that did happen: the epiphany talk, secret hideout planning, settling of the account issue. Yay hooray!
Happy VPAing to all!
Visions of Possibility & Anticipation – even for the end of this week! I love this reframing.
A meeting this afternoon, that could turn into something so wonderful! Anticipating a meeting monday to keep it on the path. And all leading to a really wonderful possible vision.
What I want: For people to see the vision. For them to understand best intentions, and not get all complicated.
What I’ll work with: Not being frustrated. Being prepared, but willing to change the details in order to make the larger dream happen.