Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
So I’m playing with adding to the format this week. Because it feels important to me, and because ritual is form and play.
(You might recognize the new bits from the spangly Revue, which is one of my favorite ways to EXIT things.)
Note! You do not need to add any of the new bits to your own Chicken. Unless you want to. This is just me, playing, as always.
What worked?
Intentionally interrupting a pattern.
Here’s the pattern. Whenever I perceive that someone in my life is pulling away and becoming distant, I do one of two things.
I either match distance with distance. Then the gap widens and widens until it’s a fissure, nearly impassible. I can’t remember how to come back.
Or? Or I meet distance with closeness. It feels uncomfortable, needy, painful, vulnerable. When I inevitably turtle-up again, I am all shell.
Occasionally I also go for option c): asking what’s going on. They then say nothing is going on, and I return to options a) and/or b), but with extra resentment!
But this time I remembered (thanks to shiva nata) that you can always mix up and reconfigure the elements of any pattern to find new openings.
I found the new opening and it was the superpower of Describing What I Am Perceiving Without Having To Be Right.
Describing what I perceive. Without adding to it.
Like this, exactly:
Hey, my perception, and it could be a false perception, is that you have been distant and withdrawn this week. Is this a fair perception?
Not only was this the perfect way to not go into my default patterns, it also resolved the entire situation. I got the information I desired. I didn’t make things about me.
And without whooshing down any of the familiar neural pathways of doom.
Later on, I used this on some other situations too. Magic. Added to the category of Things I know That I Also Sometimes Forget.
The funny part is I’m pretty sure that I actually described this technique in a class I taught a few years ago on curious playful communication.
Fake Beach Day.
So in the winter I take Beach Day to a cafe, but it’s still a day of writing and looking into the distance.
The last three Mondays I didn’t get to play because of teaching but this week I did. Fake Beach Day was amazing.
Proxies.
I used a proxy to help me write the first of the hard letters. And to write to future me. Genius.
Next time I might…
More recovery time please.
This week was still about recovery mode from running Crossing the Line, my crazy-intense eight day retreat.
I thought past-me was smart (and she was) to cancel everything last week, but if I had do-overs I would have blocked out this week too and scheduled nothing but bed.
Progress is not always linear, my love.
It took me a while to remember this.
I think I need this written in very large letters somewhere.
Again, allowing time to feel the thing after doing the thing.
I would like to remember that the harder something is, the more time I need to integrate, assimilate, consolidate and regroup when it’s over.
I spent two days this week writing an incredibly hard letter trying to resolve a complicated and unbearably painful situation that is still ongoing.
And once it was sent, I assumed I’d feel better: release and relief.
But that wasn’t what happened.
It felt like the moment of the coffin closing. Massive breakdown. Grief. Realizing I’d never imagined my life without this relationship in it, and not knowing how to be anymore. I thought the difficult writing part was the falling-apart. Hadn’t occurred to me how much I’d need to really fall apart once that was done.
The hard.
Being in my patterns.
Reinforcing these patterns were Monsters of Doom (saying doom!).
They are obsessive historians, endlessly quoting and reciting chapter and verse from the annals of Havi-history. I started referring to them as the Herodotus and Thucydides of Doom. This actually helped.
Anyway, they had so much evidence. So many true or seemingly true stories about how someone I care about being distant is the first step before the part where the passive-aggressive endings happen. And the heartbreak.
A thousand stories about the Beginning of The End.
I had to play a lot of what’s true and what’s also true to remember that Now Is Not Then. It took me a while to get there, and I felt sad and blank and empty, and sometimes all of those at the same time.
Saturday.
Saturday was a day of being in the hard.
Not wanting to go back to work but really needing to get back to work.
That basically sums it up.
Other people’s anxiety.
Between the hurricane and the elections, there are astonishing levels of free-floating anxiety in the air.
Sometimes it takes me a while to remember to separate out from the larger freak-outs that do not have to do with me and are not mine.
Also Toozday, Wednesday and Thursday.
Two days writing the hard letter, followed by the collapse.
Hmm.
Sometimes I just want to smile at the people I like to smile at, and for them to feel it from far away. Warmth. But I don’t always feel ready to explain things in words.
There are some people in my life who get upset if there aren’t words. This was also part of this week.
The good.
Now is really and truly not then!
Thank god for that.
Flowers do make everything better.
This was the hypothesis I was testing, and YES, all evidence points to this being true.
Also my space was clean and beautiful, and this never happens, and it felt (for me!) good and important.
A misunderstanding beautifully resolved. Also: quickly and easily.
One down, two more to go….
But you know what? Forward movement felt like a really big deal.
Sweetness at the right time.
My playmate and I play-dated all through Sunday and Monday, and it was sweet and creative and beautiful.
Loved it.
I am not even sure how this week would have gone without having a playmate. Love, trust, playfulness and adoration in times of pain. So fortunate.
Smiling.
More of this, please.
Processing.
I used the tools, and they helped. I went to the Floop, and it helped. I did the things we practiced at Crossing the Line, and it helped.
Reminder about this from last-year me: “Sweetie, you are stronger now. You’re like, Buffy crossed with Spiderman, so it is just going to take a while to let all that land. It is normal that you feel shaky while this is happening. Process the process and take care of yourself.”
Hiding.
Hiding made everything better. And conducting, which is a secret form of hiding. Also there was much hiding and conducting (and lunch) with Marisa. And this was good.
Change.
After I fell apart, I went and tore apart the Playground and moved everything around.
This felt urgent and necessary.
Hey guess what?
No matter how rough this week was, it could have been a million times harder and I don’t even want to think about that, so that warrants a gigantic sigh of relief and many heart-felt whispers of appreciation and gratitude.
My president is still the president. A variety of big and small wins for women, for civil rights, for talking about civil rights.
So let’s have a HELL YEAH for the new yeah-this-is-how-things-are-now in Maine, Maryland and Washington. And way to go, Minnesota: moving in the right direction.
Oh, also this month marks one hundred years that women can vote in Oregon. It’s actually kind of appalling that it’s only been that long, but it was a full eight years before it became a constitutional amendment.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of Remembering That Progress Is Not Always Linear.
I want to keep this one!
And a superpower I want next week.
I want the superpower of Replenishing All The Time.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band comes via the First Mate. I know absolutely nothing about this band but I’m imagining that they’re loud and raucous and somehow there are lots of accordions involved?
Gold Toothed Menace.
Though, of course, as it turns out, it’s really just one guy. Yes.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
I have an announcement that I am excited about and I thought I’d be able to sneak it into this week’s Chicken but it isn’t quite ready.
So. In the meantime I am going to whisper-announce that the design for the (somehow even more gorgeous and amazing) 2013 calendar has been finalized. We’ll be taking pre-orders really, really, really soon!
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Oh, new formats! I think i will try it!
What worked:
Baby steps. And recommitting along the way.
Putting the cats crate on the floor the night before we need to use it to go to the rabies clinic. She is currently lolling about it in, climbing on it, scratching on it.
Next time I might:
Not have 3 glasses of wine on a Thursday night. Ugh. Yuck.
Go to yoga.
The Hard:
I can’t remember.
The Good:
The election. And feeling a fire lit within me to do more going forward.
Money stuff. Coming in, going out, clarity.
Stocking up for winter. It feels good to be prepared and to have the things I will need. And to have band-aids and shampoo and 10 bars of soap and a new travel toiletry bag with all my things in it.
Being brave. Signing up for speed dating. Trying again.
Friendships. They are hard work, but they are worth it. I need to remember this when meeting men.
Having heat, lights, gas with no lines and all my belongings safe and dry.
HELL YEAH!
What worked?
* going outside
* recognizing a set of rules as guidelines rather than mandates
* relinquishing responsibility
* thanking my body for the miracle of the things it does right. even and especially the one where I weigh more when I eat more/move less; it is, after all, doing exactly what it is supposed to.
Next time I might…
* throw things out right away
* use them up more readily
* acknowledge more directly//honestly my distractability during events such as election days
… so that I can construct sufficiently cushioned spaces for me as I bounce between what needs doing and what’s commanding my attention
* pack more than one pen. I was awfully jittery when the one I brought ran out.
Hard:
* so much sad and ugly out there, and I’m responsible for some of it myself. Anxiety and guilt jamboree.
* current face powder and me no longer getting along
* timetable out of joint
* feeling raggedy, and the dog looks it
Good:
* Now Is Not Then. I am nowhere near as overscheduled or overextended as I would have been in the past.
* Forward motion on F.
* Being fed. Being desired. Being admired.
* Online resources coming to my rescue multiple times
Shabbat shalom, y’all.
Hhhhhhhmmmmhhhhmmmmm. For hard things. For good things.
Hard things
– the horrible fight. HORRIBLE.
– Understanding that the apparent reality IS the actual reality. Even though there are protests that the apparent reality is NOT the actual reality.
– related: giving up old dreams. Grief. The moment the coffin closes… yeah.
– vulnerability and asking for help.
– my depressive tendencies protect me from hoping. When I hope (at the same time as I am fatigued) I get anxiety. I have spent many hours lying in bed weeping and feeling trapped lately. Trapped because I know I am not but I cannot figure out how/muster the energy to disentangle myself.
– fatigue.
– procrastination my old friend. You came to
screwplay with me again.– why can’t everyone in the whole world be self-fluent?
I grow more and more allergic to trying to figure out what people really mean, are really trying to say, really want but can’t say because they’re trying to ‘protect’ my feelings or some shit because they don’t understand that HEY, MY responses are MY responsibility. And then MORE discomfort because I’m trying to figure out how to navigate my assumptions that they assume I’m going to try to ‘protect’ THEIR feelings and loopyloopyloopy whoa no wonder there are so many misunderstandings and hurt feelings and all in the sake of MANNERS? Puhleeeeease!!! I am allergic to this stuff these days.
PEOPLE! Say what you are saying. Say what you are percieving. Take responsibility for the fact this is a perception. Say what you want, if said perception is valid. I’ll let you know if I can or can’t do what you want. I just need the INFORMATION to start off with. PPppppleease!
Ack!
– Little Lad lost half a kilo. Keeping him from the scary skinnies is haaaaarrdd. On the upside, now he is often so exhausted he is easier to ‘handle’. Great.
Good things
+ TRUTH. Oh man!!! Gimme.
+ TRUTH. Saying it again. Where there is truth there can be love. I wanted there to be love. REALLY badly apparently. Ouch. But now there is truth, so there can be love, which is what I wanted. Ummm, okay. Good. But let’s not do that again though.
+ OBAMA! Endorsement of the number of QUIET yet SENSIBLE people there must be in existance. Oh thank you quiet yet sensible people of America!
+ HELP. It helps.
+ Things I wanted coming through for me. Endorsement by synchronicity.
+ Playing in my internal Wonderland. Makes it easier to deal with monsters when you know they’re nothing but a pack of cards.
+ My friend is starting to play again. And is healing. Warms my heart.
+ magic class. I have one. Playing with INTENTION. Putting FORM around intention. In many ways.
+ wonderbaby is still hitting all her milestones nice and early which is soothing for a distressed mother of a kid with developmental delay. So… it all balances out on the cosmic universal level or some shit. *eyeroll*
Nonetheless, my little sea lion pulling herself around on her elbows is pretty darn cute. And she is VERY keen on people food. Her brother is going to be sneaking her bits of his dinner and pretending he ate it soon, I can see this tag team coming like a slow moving boulder!
+ Love. I like it.
xxoo
Hmmm. I like the playing with new formats! I’m tired right now, so my chicken may come out barely formatted at all. We’ll see.
Some hard things: Too much standing during choral rehearsals this week. Anxiety because tomorrow’s concert will be on standing risers, with no intermission, which supposedly will be fine because it’s a short program, but I am still worried. Worried about pain, worried about accidentally locking my knees and getting faint, which has happened before, more than once. Even the smallest sitting breaks make a huge difference to me! Also, struggling with a phone call that gets more intimidating the longer I delay it. It’s not even such an intimidating thing, but logic apparently doesn’t enter into this.
Some good things: Got my hair color freshened, and got a lovely scalp and shoulder massage along the way. The guest conductor for the Schubert is making tempo choices that I like. Had an impromptu date with the Wizard on Saturday; once I got used to the idea, it turned out to be exactly the right thing to chase away crankiness. We saw a satisfying movie, and ate good food. Oh, and the election results made this quiet yet sensible American very happy.
A thing that worked: Using proxy and metaphor when writing my VPA for the week. That gave the whole thing extra energy, magic, significance, and space to be whatever it needed to be.
Next week, I’ll try: Getting up earlier, the way I was doing for a while, even if it means I take a mid-morning nap. Calling upon my superpowers of Imagination, Improvisation, and Play.
SUPERPOWERS!!
This week I had the Superpower of…. INEXORABILITY. Like a glacier sometimes, in terms of speed, which was occasionally frustrating, but stuff got done, nevertheless. Moving towards that which I want. Inexorably.
For next week I’d like the superpowers of…. MOMENTUM and AGILITY.
May it be so.
This week. Feels much longer than a week, in ways that are both hard and good.
The hard:
Yeah, that would be the routine vets check-up that discovered the kitties need £700 worth of dental surgery each, and that it’s not covered by our pet insurance. And we don’t have that much money to hand. Ouch. Cue lots of stress + fear + other painful feelings.
Learning that my hours at my part-time job are probably going to be cut by a third.
Getting what I thought was a delayed birthday check, and finding out it was a book token, and feeling disappointed because I really wanted money, and then slipping into a story where I blame myself for being ungrateful.
The good:
At the same time, opening to love in a way that is beautiful and yummy and joyful.
Pumpkin has mostly eaten her antibiotics when wrapped in cheese. Yay!
Getting their dental problem caught now, before it causes serious long-term health issues or, you know, death.
Bellydance! Am still loving it!
Silent retreat!
Magic class – so worth staying up for. 🙂
The hour of biz coaching I invested in before all ze money stuffs started happening. So helpful! So much more clarity about what I’m doing and what I want to do, and how I can help my right people connect with me. Joys.
The girl in Boots who gave me two free lipglosses instead of one when I couldn’t choose between them.
Enjoying my part-time job again.
That’s it for this week. Love to all! <3
MrB suddenly very seriously ill (he nearly died), and that has consumed my week.
In the hard, there was good:
Dr M was Gentle and Honest and let me know how to interpret the numbers.
My classes are an Anxiety-Free Zone.
Kind and loving friends and sisters.
Sleep. I am doing little but sleep when not at the hospital and that is okay.
The medical support was quick, responsive, appropriate, all that I could have wished. And I was able to give them information that helped them diagnose and start treatment.
He is getting better.
One of his brothers is coming to see him. This is a huge deal because the entire family is NOT close, and mostly seem to have no interest in him.
Vicki! Sending extra-extra love to you and MrB.
Hey there Chickeneers!
Missed the Friday, slipping in on Saturday and… that’s OK too 😉
WHAT WORKED…
Taking things a week at a time… a day at a time… an hour at a time…
Taking time to NOTICE the rhythms of my day, to change them up and find what felt good and what felt… less good.
NEXT TIME I MIGHT…
Explore spaces and times to find my way to the yoga mat. One of those things I KNOW feels good and does good…and yet I can’t seem to find my way.
SUPER POWER I Had this week…
Paying Attention to my own… body… and my feelings. Noticing the effects of DOINGS on my BEING.
SUPER POWER I would like for the coming week…
I would very much like to jump on the hay-ride with Havi this week and I hereby invoke the SUPER POWER of…
Replenishing all the time.
THE HARD:
– Watching people I love hurt themselves – locked into patterns of anger/sadness and resistance.
How I wish I could facilitate some sort of … healing here. I know it is not “my stuff” and that I must leave them to it. It is an old old old, well established pattern… but OH I do wish I could… help.
– I become more and more aware of the fact that my default setting is… SCARCITY. I worry so much about … money, time… and so on.
I am turning my thoughts and focus to ABUNDANCE… This week I have been working with the idea that it would be really wonderful if I felt that TIME WAS ABUNDANT. I have this on “list of lovelies” that I am walking each morning. We’ll see how it goes.
– Fear. Still so much free-floating fear.
I seem to have moved a bit with this though. Now it seems that I just WATCH it with a sort of “Isn’t that interesting” type of attitude. Hmm… Interesting, non? Probably related to the scarcity mind-set.
THE GOOD:
+ Walking – the morning walks are saving my life. Seriously.
+ Reading Havi’s Archives – so much wisdom within… so much SANITY. I thank you!
+ Watching online, chats, lectures, conversations… especially The Compassionate Brain. Again, so much wisdom and things to think on.
+ Finding comfort and satisfaction in my dedication to writing hours focussed on the NIP and in my morning rhythms over-all.
+ Celebrating someone I lurve getting some AWESOME news on the work front. A well earned, well deserved BREAK of sorts. The beginnings of a new relationship and a wonderful new opportunity. YAY!
+ Allowing myself to rest. Taking time to curl up and read. Crawling into bed a bit earlier at night. S’good.
+ Also loving… Banana and Peanut Butter Smoothies, Cozy clean sheets and my lil BUNKY OFFICE.
+ Cheers cheers CHEERS to all American Chickeneers for the re-election of Obama. Warms my Northern heart (she be Canadian).
Onward, all.
go easy -p
Cheers, Chickeneers!
The Hard
– so much to do for hosting an election night dinner party for 15 people and flying out the next morning for a conference
– inconsistent schedule
– less-than-mediocre travel
The Good
– I was much more calm than usual about all the stuff that needed to get done
– meeting up with old colleagues / friends
– packing the perfect wardrobe for the conference
W00t, I’m back. I’ve missed this ritual and all of you lovely people.
What worked:
Letting myself fall apart when that’s what needed to happen. Realizing that I had reached the ultimate limit of what I could handle, and giving myself permission to just lose it. It was awful, but despite what the monsters of doom predicted, I survived.
Next time I might:
– Remember to let other people help me even more, instead of insisting on doing (most of) it alone.
– Remembering that now is not then.
The Hard:
– Pain, of all different flavours.
– Anxiety, about everything. Worry that my recovery now will be just like that spring a couple years ago when I was so sick and living alone and trying to finish school while walking with a cane…doom, gloom, ugh. Worry about going back to work and the “you will be in massive pain forever” monsters.
– Trying to deal with everyone else’s anxiety about me, and their expectations/ timelines/stuff about my recovery.
– My family, and that whole ugly, unhelpful pattern.
The Good:
– She’s back! My partner has been struggling with some major mental illness issues in the past few months, but this week, she was back to being herself: the beautiful, funny, witty and intelligent woman I love. And she has worked so hard to make this happen. I’m so proud of her.
– My puppy was so glad to see me when I got home. She has kept me distracted from pain by helpfully stealing bread off of the counter and chasing the cats.
– My grandparents were there to help out this week. Not always in the way I would want their help, but I appreciated their love and concern nonetheless.
– My other partner being an absolute mensch. He is always one, but extra sparkle points for him this week.
Superpower this week: Phoenix’n’Flames-Style Endurance.
Superpower next week: Extra-Special-Turtle-Patience.
Happy long weekend to everyone who is getting one! And commiseration for those of us who don’t. 😉
@VickiB, so sorry for MrB’s illness, glad he is getting better and so many things worked and are working for that to happen.
Love to you both from Susan (from September 2011 Rally)
@Havi, @Sue T — also Claire and others who sent messages of support via FB
Thank you for the love, prayers, thoughts, good wishes.
Omigoodness, never has there been a better Fake Band. Never!
I think I’ve commented previously under a former name, Laiima.
HARD
I struggle a lot with Now Is Not Then, and defining my personal boundaries so that Only Me is inside, not all the other people I’ve ever cared about. Slowly, I’ve been winnowing out relationships based on We Have So Much History Together! (But Maybe I No Longer Like You and That Doesn’t Make Me a Bad Person). In some cases, I’m not sure *I* *ever* liked them. It seemed much more important at the time that they liked me. Or were nice to me. Once.
Not the same thing, but I’ve recently realized that the house plants I’ve been living with for years need to find other homes. Because I don’t know who I am without leaves. I feel green on the inside, and maybe that won’t change, but I need to find out.
So today it’s been Craigslist, and waiting around, and crying, and being stood up, and waiting for more people.
GOOD
After holding on to every paycheck stub I’d ever earned (since I started working in 1985), this past week, I was able to shred them all. Some chapters of my life are definitely over, and I’ve been needing to not just close the book on them but put that book back on the shelf. I’ve now done that.
I gave a speech-y thing (presentation to a class), which I haven’t done in years. I put my nerves to good use: I was calm and informative, and the students started applying what I said right away, so apparently they found it worthwhile.
I’m editing my self-talk so that I’m not apologizing for things that don’t need apologies. Like asserting healthy boundaries for myself.
I’m putting myself first. And even though it’s really really hard and uncomfortable and weird, it feels good and right and long overdue.
I’ll try the new format, though it makes the week seem a lot harder than it was…
What worked?
Planning ahead (or trying to) when possible.
Talking things over with people who know me best.
Realizing that even from unpleasant situations can come useful information.
Avoiding most of the pre-election coverage, as it just increased my stress, although I was happy about the outcome.
Next Time I Might:
Plan to be exhausted and distracted the day after an election.
Take a deep breath and say “wow” instead of trying to continue the argument.
Ask to think it over and get back to people later.
The Hard:
Seemingly innocuous encounter with a previously normal coworker freakishly turned into horrible shoe-throwing moment for no apparent reason. Was nastily told I was “being incredibly difficult” which triggered about 100 monsters telling me that I had screwed up again somehow. Beating myself up for days afterward about how I should have responded, what I should have said, what to do now, etc. Still makes me want to cry.
The Good:
The whole mess made me realize that I no longer need to feel guilty for trying to leave this job. Put me in motion with a whole new list of ways to accelerate the job search. Extinguished the last flame of hope that things might get better because by golly, they aren’t.
Loving being back in school, learning new stuff, thinking about something else.
Oh self care. Why are you so difficult sometimes?
Have a good week chickeneers!
Repleninshing All the Time superpower, I love that! I would like to call that one in
The Hard:
superexhaustion. I think there was some gluten in my pad thai, it is amazing how it creates total body pain and can’t move-ness and exhaustion
Drove 3 hrs to be able to vote, basically this was my week
More exhaustion
Returning after 2 weeks of displacement–stuff everywhere, too tired to unpack it
Got no writing done because nowhere to do it, exhausted, displaced.
My bed here is broken, sleeping in a temporary zone that might become permanent, my room is too small to function decently, I always have at least 3 bruises from bumping into stuff because it’s all so tightly packed
PTSD triggered by election and storm and displacement (I so understand why houses in dreams represent the self–being displaced physically with no home and no order reduces my access to my self so massively)
Something disappeared
THE GOOD
Something disappeared
The 15 minutes of my entire life I ever watched Fox News voluntarily just HAPPENED to be when Karl Rove was having a massively entertaining moment (meltdown?)
PTSD cleared in a couple days
Debt repayment plan seems to be improving
Was taken out to eat like a dozen times in past 2 weeks? Nice 🙂 Delicious duck hash for brunch today was so good!
Time with my mom and her excellent PTSD-clearing dog (when the dog hears me speaking when I’m triggered she comes over and won’t leave my side until it passes, so adorable. Sometimes sits on top of me! (she’s big!))
Someone is making me a big pot of beef stew today
Clarity on needing to take it up a notch with the special food environment my body requires
When I was too tired to move Saturday all I had to do was drive 1 minute and get the magical amino acid shot at my Dr’s up the road and then come home and sleep all day then it got better
Weston A Price Foundation convention is happening and I loooooooove reading the tweets about methylation etc.
Freezer is re-packed, (so grateful the massive effort of moving all food was worth it) clothes are manageable, hopefully I can start back to the finish-writing tomorrow, fingers crossed.
And oh YEAH EVERYTHING JUST CHANGED! Feels like the entire frame just changed away from white privilege to something more collective.
Expressed clearly what I need (silent retreat).
Love to the chickens xo Elizabeth
Calling in: rejuvenation and completion superpowers
Last week in sparkly review!
Last week of itself, I was more open to concepts of abundance. Other than the obvious stuff, there was far less stress.
What I might want to change:
I’m playing with new rituals for writing, and I’m finding I need to split more time off for drawing practice. Which means I’m doing a lot of work on reminding myself that there’s all the time in the world, for creative stuff, my business stuff, as well as these job like things.
What was hard:
Dreams about an old thing. But that lead into a lot of good – talking about the dreams in the open, instead of thinking of them as a shameful secret. Probably that should be a clue, that any time I’m thinking of anything as something to be ashamed of, it needs to be out in the open stat.
What was good:
Got some great information that should help with classes I’ll be teaching in the spring. Which is a source of terror I’m not even thinking about right now, but what the heck, right?
Writing is getting done. Sketching is getting done. Other stuff… well, it’ll get there, I’m sure.
Heart sighs for all the Chickeners, esp Vicki B!
I really enjoy anything related to Art of Embarking so I really like the new format.
What worked this week:
-remembering SuperPowers and other tools
-Morning Sit and Bhramari
Next time I’ll try:
-earlier bedtimes ebcaue seriously WHY am I punishing myself?? Sleep-dep is a slef-inflicted wound, and one only I can fix
-more well tending (this is really working for me)
the suck this week:
-omg this !@@$%$^ election! will it ever end???
-back to the full routine, no more short days or emergency days off
-continued resentment and anger towards husband. his continued anger and resnetment to me. nasty lil fight on friday nite and we had to ‘walk it back’ because we were heading into talks about dismantling the union
-first truly cold weather, always a shock the system
-november’s chilly weather and diminishing light alwasy makes me kinda sad and melancholy
-heading into school conferences, oldest kid had a D in social studies, all kinds of challenges in getting work in. Monsters had an extended dance mix for this which ended in a vicious lil coda called “all of Kid’s intellectual challenges are due to the oxygen crash during deliovery and are therefore ALL YOUR FAULT and she wil never be any kind of successful and DOOOOOOOOOOOOM”
-insomnia 4 nights in a row. Discovering what used to work for insomnia now makes it worse for the WIN!
-going to a Landmark lecture and getting all kids of triggered. Feeling like i let my friend who took me, down, and like she is judging me for being cowardly or lazy or in capable. This frienship puts a lot of stress on being healthy and present and clear, and i sometime sfeel like even more of an ugly stepsister when I struggle to be healthy or present or clear, or when I fail at the above.
the sparkle:
-bad friday nite fight led to good talk, compassion, gentleness. It led to lots of strokes from my husband, and lots of ‘you’re doing fine.’ Good honest and gentle communication, making reasonable plans, getting thinsg done toegther = restored trust
-glad to be feeling restored trust and movements towards each other
-some very nice canoodling
-enjoying playing with friendly dogs. it can be very nice and affirming
-having not chased the cat in a while means, the cat is now loking for pets and cuddles from me. this is very nice
-so worried about school conferences, but Oldest Kid got a stellar report card, her best ever, better than MINE wwere at her age, and lots of talk from her teachers about “her good choices, her focus, her conscientiousness, her hard work.” Can I finally allow myself to believe that this situation is Just Fine?
-lovely weekend with good balance between getting stuff done and getting good rest
-finished a hosue project that has languished since the summer. Extra sparkle points for keeping my word.
-Booked a massage and body wrap, then realized i needed a massage sooner than that and booked it too.
-despite the challnges at Landmark I’m already using their tools to good effect
-the bad-brain of Saturday i worked thru, using my tools and superpowers, including “call a friend and work thru the hard”. So grateful to Lori!
-did my workout. didnt work out often enough but kept craving it, and noticing how much bettr things are when i do it.
Okay, Chicken. We have been avoiding each other but I would like to say hello to you. In a short, itsy-bitsy, half silent retreated way.
Hard:
– Wanting to say a thing and not knowing how to say a thing.
– Feeling very unready for a thing that I need to be ready for.
– Not having the energy (or not perceiving myself to have the energy) to do the readying things. Tired.
– Giant realization about THE THING I want to be doing and how I keep slip-sliding off the path.
Good:
– I said the thing! And so far it seems to have changed everything, so that’s pleasing.
– The Floop was excellent.
– I have the perfect husband. He is perfect!
– Went to a super amazing performance.
– Giant realization about THE THING I want to be doing and how to strengthen the connection to me-who-lives-it.
Planting more-ease-with-the-chicken seeds for me of next week and jaunting off.