Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Ohmygod you guys. I can’t wait to tell you how outrageously/surprisingly well last week’s visioning and personal ads turned out.
Let’s see what needs to be planted for this coming week and then I will need to boggle over this some more. With you. Eeeeee! I am so astounded/pleased! And I’d be turning cartwheels if I knew how. If you know how, please do one in the comments and I will watch in wide-eyed appreciation.
Okay. This week. Let’s do this.
Thing 1: We shall be chill and defrazzle.
Here’s what I want:
The credit for this just-right statement — a motto for our times! — goes to the wonderful @vicarpac who knows what I like
I would like to live by this over the course of the coming week. And year, really. Because is that not kind of the point of the upcoming Year of Emptying & Replenishing?
So I want the spirit of this statement to infuse everything I do. I want December to be about this. And I want to play with how.
The qualities inside of the want:
Quiet. Coziness. Gemütlichkeit. Calm. Pleasure. Sweetness. Steadiness.
And of course the superpower of Grounded Enthusiasm, which is, coincidentally or not, also the secret superpower of Stompopolis.
Ways this might work:
It could just work. I am invoking it!
I’m playing with…
Thinking about what being chill and defrazzling might look and feel like. It seems like candles are appropriate. Also there should be snacks!
A long bath might be a good thing too.
Thing 2: Watching the barns burn.
Here’s what I want:
To stand and watch the barns burn.
With a glass of whiskey in my hand and a smile on my face.
Not grieving the barns. Not rejoicing over their fiery implosions. Just watching and saying, “Yup. Those were my barns and now they are not my barns anymore. Not mine and not barns. Now I don’t have to do any of the things that were in the barns.”
* Important note! No animals were injured in the imaginary burning of symbolic barns.
These are empty barns, that I happen to own. In my imagination.
Or maybe not empty but full of projects that I was kind of half-planning on half-working-on someday but more enjoying the imagining that I would do them than actually wanting to do them.
I don’t know if any of that makes sense but it seemed like some sort of disclaimer was in order.
Is this also related to what BHJ said? “Believe the craziest things. Tell no one what they are. And wait. Wait for the world to kiss you on the mouth.” I think it might be. This is important.
The qualities inside of the want:
Deconstruction. Destruction. Reconfiguring. Newness. Birth. Discovery. Laughter. Trust. Faith. Wonder. Dissolving. Potential. Possibility. Strength. Pleasure. Simplicity. Completion.
The superpower of remembering phoenix rising from the ashes while not caring whether or how this will happen.
Ways this might work:
Maybe I will tell barn stories this week. Who knows.
I mean, Barbara Sher and Haruki Murakami have written about barns burning, and now my subconscious wants to turn the thing that was very painful into a thing where I watch barns burn. So there might be something useful here.
I can stay inside the metaphor and play there.
I’m playing with…
Creating safety for a potentially difficult thing.
Sitting with the void and not trying to fill it. Watching and waiting. And laughing at how cosmically hilarious it is. Yes, this thing that past-me built in order that it might burn is now burning.
Thing 3: Help with and/or from the Magical Badger Brigade.
Here’s what I want:
I want to rendezvous with various magical badgers and not get completely overwhelmed.
This has to do with my simultaneous need for and dislike of getting things out of my head and onto paper.
I want help sorting ALL THE THINGS into “Okay, Havi Bell. Here is the one thing that you are playing with right now.” That is the magical badger of the Order of the Red Flashlights, taking me to the exact-right tree in the forest.
And also I want to write about some of various realizations and noticings that have come up through this process.
The qualities inside of the want:
Order. Sweetness. Companionship. Comfort. Shelter. Guidance. Autonomy. Serendipity. Grace. Ease. Presence. Silliness. Play.
Ways this might work:
The First Mate and I could sit down with the giant Tree Naming page that I made this weekend and come up with a plan to test.
I’m playing with…
The idea that I can like this even though right now I’m resisting it.
There is a way (many possible ways, in fact) to make this fun. And I will find it. Making not-fun things fun is one of my superpowers that I always forget about.
Thing 4: Delighted enthusiasm for the Year of Emptying & Replenishing.
Here’s what I want:
Gigantic enthusiasm and glee and movement for our sale sails.
In 2013 I am setting off on a voyage called the Year of Emptying & Replenishing.
And I am tremendously obsessed with how important this is. The word that I keep waking up with and tripping over is VITALITY. There is something vital and alive in this experience.
Anyway, I want delighted enthusiasm. In many forms. In the form of people continuing to happily come aboard! Also in the form of general enthusiasm and excitement and happiness-for-the-voyage.
And in the form of me living by these principles even before the voyage sets sail.
The qualities inside of the want:
Flowering. Readiness. Right Timing. Delight. Glee. Pleasure. Joy. Wonder. Hopefulness. Trust. Steadiness. Smiling. Sparkling. Radiance. Wind. Horizon. Possibility. Spreading. Grounding. Voyaging. Potentiality. Sweetness.
Ways this might work:
I will tell you about what it is!
Here is the page: https://fluentself.com//replenish
And here is the PASSWORD: compass
I can also put up an announcement at the Floop or in the Frolicsome Bar.
I’m playing with…
Conducting. Compassing and encompassing. Living by the essence of what this year is all about. Paying attention. Being receptive. Trying things.
Noticings about the things I want this week…
The asks are all very serious, but there’s also this really palpable desire for playfulness and laughter. It’s as if I know that lightheartedness and not taking the serious too seriously is the door right now. I find that comforting. Especially as it hasn’t really been available to me over the past few months of challenge and pain.
Bonus wishes, please!
Some of these are secret agent code and some of them are things I’m silent retreat-ing on. Some are qualities that will help. And some are almost pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- Finding clews everywhere.
- Remembering to pause (paws!).
- Lights.
- Hannukah means DEDICATION. Dedicating things.
- Harmonizing and congruencing. Also: pre-congruencing! Moving things out that are not yet stagnant but probably will be in a month or two. Trusting instincts on this without having to understand why or what for.
- More things that are soothing. Many forms of being rocked. But not like at a concert. Rocked like a baby. Rocked like the frog.
- More flowers.
- V’kol tomcheha me’ushar… and other happy solutions related to the Tree of Life.
- A real fake beach day, please. If that makes sense.
I’m playing with…
Laughing when I can.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
You guys! I am absolutely astounded by what happened this week. I asked for an end to the drama, not thinking that there would be one. Because, come on, that’s other people being in their stuff. I have absolutely no control over that.
So that was Sunday night, and then Monday morning I woke up and everything was different. The drama wasn’t over. But suddenly the situation was kind of funny. Not horrendously painful as it has been. Just cosmically absurd. And so I laughed.
And then someone else responded to the drama in a way that was calm, measured, steady and loving. And then the outside drama died down too. Or maybe it didn’t. I don’t know. But I can’t feel it anymore. And I am smiling again, and this feels good.
Next I wanted vibrant fiery orange as a stand-in for people to talk to about the painful thing. And that happened too!
I wore my pumpkin orange sweater and went out for drinks with Dana. Kyle showed up in orange sneakers. I poured out the stories of the hard thing and then it wasn’t as awful anymore.
Then I wanted the whisper-brunch for the Year of Emptying & Replenishing (password: compass) and I wasn’t sure if that would happen or if it needed way more time. But then it all somehow came together and I was able to tell people on Thursday.
Also all my tiny-asks came true, including more people to play with on our facebook page and also remembering the compass (I remembered at exactly the right moment too).
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
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“My barn having burned to the ground, I can now see the moon.”
I’ll write more later, but I have been feeling Depleted and Overwhelmed for so long. ‘ve been feeling stuck and not shiny. And I started feeling completely outisder-ish about the Flailing and FluentSelf communities because of all kinds of things I breathed into this vulnerableness and tried to invoke faith that it was not true info. I knew I wanted and needed something new and imprtoant for 2013.
And then the Year of Emptying & Replenishing! Which is what I keep saying i need! Nautical metaphors that I love! Compassing! Conducting! An opposrtunity to go even deeper with these tools, a chnce to connect with other Shivanauts! Every sentence of the copy was crazy resonant and filled me with delight! connection! welcome! play! and enthusiasm!
So this whole thing? Absolutely the answer to several gwishes and Visions–answers them all in one fell swoop.
Also this whole week I kept blowing off msyelf and all things I promised I’d do for myself. I was pretty pissed and feelign dissed by me. Last night I ordered the gwish kit and bought my Ticket to this year’s Voyage. We’re all good friends again!
Thank you Havi, for providing so many ways to ship out on the Voyage!
Oh, Havi.
Barn burning. Thank you for perfect phrase, for what’s going on over here as well. Bourbon for me, please.
And I’m adding in my Floopish enthusiasm and much, much happiness for next year’s voyage!
Lots of little and big this for me this week, all tossed lovingly into the pot!
* More pondering on Community. Several things have collided to bring this up, and I think having a dedicated processing time on this would be a good thing.
* For my right people to find my new class on projecticizing. Which of course, means polishing it up and putting it out there… but step by step, right?
* More art. More time for art and classes. Maybe I’ll play posting three sketches a week in the creative group. Heck – I actually think I have three possible creative groups. Back to thinking about communities!
* Slower and deeper. Fewer things on my plate, to spend more time exploring those things, AND to believe it will all be ok, without my frantic flailing. This is another big one. But it feels like its time to take that step, and trust in the road.
* To have the clock hands project work out. This isn’t a metaphor. Although now I’m wondering what it would be a metaphor for….
Wishing magic for all!
Ah, Leni, you quoted the very poem that was on my mind as I read this post! So, I’ll share a few lines from a song I like, written by George Wurzbach and Karen Taylor-Good, that seems to be similarly inspired by the poem:
And if I lose my job, I’ll sleep ’til noon
If the news is bad, I’ll watch cartoons
And if my house burns down, I’ll have lots more room
And a much better view of the moon
Today, I feel like crafting the kind of Vision that I haven’t tried in a while: I feel like asking for something very specific and tangible.
Here’s what I want: A wallet-thing that would hold my cell phone, driver’s license, bank card, and a bit of cash, with a place to attach my key ring on the outside, while still being compact enough to fit comfortably into a coat pocket. I want this wallet-thing to be beautiful to my eyes and comforting to my fingers, and I’m willing to be open minded about the ways in which it might be beautiful and comforting. Still, when it comes to the things that I use on an everyday basis, that are my personal items, it pleases me to be very particular, and to hold out for the just-right item.
The qualities inside of the want: Self-care. Self-expression. Freedom. Pleasure.
Ways this could work: Well, I don’t really have a lot of extra money for personal luxuries this month, having already given myself (guilt-free, clear-eyed, with great joy!) the gift of a Year of Emptying and Replenishing.) So, maybe this will come to me as a gift? Or maybe there doesn’t have to be any rush. Maybe the right wallet-thing will appear when the timing is right. Tizmun. Yes.
I’m playing with: Ease. Patience. Discernment. Contentment. The superpower of Waiting for What I Want while Wanting What I Want, with love.
Oh, Havi, I read about the barn burning with shivers, tears, and memories.
In January 1989, my house burned and in March of that year I stood and watched as the remains of what had been my home was torn down. It was hard. It was liberating. Because as much as I loved my old home, there was no going back, only forward.
Quoting two poems that I wrote soon after:
“I was happy there.
Moved in, a young wife
with high hopes and
second-hand furniture.”
…
“It was cold the day the world ended.
Bare branches could not hold up the sky.”
I’ll be back later to post VPAs. I need to sit with this for a while.
Love the idea of Emptying and Replenishing! Especially the replenishing. Gorgeous.
What I want this week:
-Interlacing writing with unpacking this week
-Using the nonperfect, in-process space that I’m still unpacking in to HELP create the additional structures I need in the remaining section rather than doing my old pattern of obsessive feng shui-ing before starting at all
-Support from the visitor
-Information I need on mystery schools to come magically
-Transitional structures that need to be woven in to come magically
-A massage that I don’t have to spend two weeks nagging myself to arrange
-Feeling better in my body in general, taking more supplements, getting to Magical Sally Yoga
-Awesome new amazing basketball tool to be set in place for project
Ways this could work:
-Magic
-Trust
-The Helpers
I’m really glad to hear that the drama has bettered, Havi.
Wishing you the Norwegian superpower of Koselig. (”KOOSH-lee”; = cozy/comfy/gemütlich.)
Some asks (wow, this *is* hard) for the next week:
* Restful sleep. I keep thinking I’ve figured out how to achieve this, and then… nope, unpredictable. Qualities: Safety. Support. Release. Possibilities: Back off on tracking/worrying about and just notice whatever state I wake up in and deal with that as fact from there. Like weather. Also: try dog-in-bed more again?
* Clarity, confidence, sovereignty re: holiday giftings and socializings. Lots of unresolved stuff around that which I don’t really want to delve into right now, I just want it to work out Okay For Now, please. Qualities: Flow. Good-enoughness. Compassion. Generosity. Spaciousness. Possibilities: Be open to doing things differently. Unexpected perfect simple solutions? Remember HOW. Appreciate. Also: NVC.
* Lightness and ease around body issues. I’ve been there before; can I go there again, please? Qualities: Love. Comfort (-ness and –ing). Enjoyment. Pleasure. Appreciation. Fun! Play! Silliness! Possibilities: Wintery Walks Theme Day. Play with dog. Self-care (maybe Theme Day?). Continue Breakfast Experiments.
My barns all burned down a couple of years ago. Some started to fall and then I lit the rest on fire. Beautiful things have come up in their places. But watching them burn is scary.
This week I’m evisioning peace and support. Some lawyery things have come up, which makes sense since I’m a lawyer, but now I need a lawyer which always makes me nervous. But it’s a good reminder that lawyerish things make people nervous, and that will help me be better help to my clients. So, I envision peace, and being able to handle whatever comes also.
Also, I want a new mattress. This isn’t normally the sort of thing I would put in a VPA, but I really want one. I was away this weekend and the mattress was so good. And my mattress so isn’t. But its a big commitment and decisions and trying and money. So I’m going to put it here and just see what comes up.
Also, boys. Silent VPAing on this but enough said.
Okay I’m back.
PAst VPA included More/Deeper Flailing and that hs happened. It worked because this past week i kept fisning ways of fitting things into othe things. I also started Level 2, and was delighted at howintuitive it was, hw easily it flowed right til the moment that everything went splodey.
All kinds of more movement is happening. again, fitting things in other things. and suddenly that’s deeper too.
the peices are still moving closer toegther.
Not ready for the next set of Visions, but I’m happy that i can feel them coming on.
Wow. I will raise my glass of bourbon to ya, while you watch the barns burn.
I’m a bit giddy for the Year of Emptying & Replenishing.
After also feeling mucho Overwhelmed & Depleted for waaaaay toooooo long, I felt this faint glimmer of light early last week after a super-conscious effort to get more rest. So I asked myself, “what else will help?” And then, “the Year” appeared.
Aaaah…yes.
I’m looking so forward to this voyage!
Just popping in to register gigantic enthusiasm (and movement!) for the Year of Emptying and Replenishing. Not only is it perfect timing and similar to what I’d VPA’d for myself for 2013 (energy, new beginnings) but with added Floop!
And as I’d already ordered the Gwish Kit, I’m dancing with glee and all kinds of happiness for the voyage, as well as delighted anticipation.
And I’m totally borrowing the Superpower of ‘Making not-fun things fun’ for all the things that need to be achieved in the next few weeks.
Thank you Havi!
I can hardly express how crazy I am for the Year of Emptying & Replenishing.
Well, I just LOVE THIS SO MUCH.
Having emptied lots already, which is really lots and yet no more than – I see this so clearly, and was seeing it even before this most awesome HAT – I know it was just the emptying to get ready for the Emptying.
So I’m kind of expecting a bit of a Multi-Barn Special in my life over the next few months.
Wheeeee!
I’m back now to VPA.
I want one thing, and that is to finish:
a. the magazine thing
b. the Amazon thing
c. the dining room thing
d. and, if possible, the upstairs thing.
Approach to this want: gentle questions.
– what are the qualities of the want?
– what are the obstacles to doing it?
– what are the qualities of the obstacles? What do I get from not doing it?
– what allies and resources can I call on?
– what if not-doing were no longer an option? what would happen then?
– how can I create safety around this?
Gentle, slow, and deep…
Wishing a good week to all and success to your VPAs.
An update: I wanted nourishment/replenishment in sync with my temporal and fiscal resources. The GPS has been a great help with finding Publixes on the road, which has helped with creating meals in sync with my needs. And the free apples at the hotel reception desk have also been a boon.
A Thing: S(ense of) pace. The past week was fun but exhausting. The amount of stuff I’m lugging around (both physically and metaphorically) has been making me twitchy, although when I step back and assess things objectively, it’s not an outrageous mass and it intentionally creates ease and opportunities in multiple other respects and realms.
So what I want is to feel (re)assured that however slowishly and sprawlingly I will be studying/lettering/etceteraing, it will yield the results I’m aiming for.
Some qualities inside of the want: Faith. Independence. Perspective.
Ways this might work: Permission slips, especially to ignore/disregard/discard/miss things. Lined paper. Going to bed earlier.
Bonus wishes:
* my glasses are out of whack. The bending-things-back-into-shape superpower would be really welcome right now.
* there are lots of loud, door-slamming people on this floor of the hotel I’m at tonight. I would like for them to go to sleep soon, or at least be in quiet mode when I turn off my lights.
* shopping mojo. Jeans, sneakers, a purse large enough to hold an umbrella, black walking shoes, boots. (No wonder I feel like I’m carrying around a lot of junk! it’s past time to replace all the things on that list, and yet I’m so skittish of letting go of the tatty and/or no-longer-fitting things until their prospective replacements prove themselves. Oy.)
Warmth and support to all y’all.
@Corie, thank you for “To have the clock hands project work out.” I am picturing the hands of every clock I see projecting the call to work — outward (pung in tai chi). Or my new dance-y workout. Then, I pictured a friendly clock face handing me a project that will surely work out.