No, seriously, where are all the nut jobs?

I finally got around to watching Word Play last night — a 90 minute homage to “puzzle master” Will Shortz and his wonderful world of crosswordsmithery. “Finally” because everyone I know has already told me at least once to see it.

They were right. It was fascinating. But aside from the fun of watching smart thinkers like Ken Burns, Jon Stewart and Bill Clinton wax delirious over their daily fix of wordishness, there was something else going on there.

The thing that really stuck out was how noticeably not crazy everyone was. Sure, some of the more seasoned crossword puzzle fans were a little on the neurotic side. But that was more a case of being from New York. Or Jewish. Or both. No one seemed to have Big Issues. They just really liked their puzzles.

In Scrabble, on the other hand, you can pretty much assume that everyone’s got Issues. If you don’t believe me (or even if you do), read Word Freak: Heartbreak, Triumph, Genius, and Obsession in the World of Competitive Scrabble Players. This un-put-down-able (oh, why is that not a word?) volume is one of the most compelling explorations of addictive behavior that I’ve ever read.

I’ll give you the short version. Reporter Stefan Fatsis sets out to investigate the world of hard-core Scrabble, meets a bunch of troubled people, and ultimately becomes sucked into an obsessive, control-hungry world that is clearly limiting his ability to think straight. But he just can’t stop. And even as you scratch your head while you read, you totally identify with him.

What’s the deal?

The difference, as far as I can tell, has to do with the nature of competition.

Crossword-puzzling is generally a solitary endeavor. The extreme players time themselves, so in a sense they are always in competition with their last puzzle. But otherwise, it’s just you and the squares. Actual competition only happens once a year when the crossword puzzlers meet up at their convention. In between they do their daily puzzle. If there were five puzzles a day in the New York Times, things might be different. But the puzzlers have one puzzle a day, they do it and it’s done.

The serial Scrabblers, though, are always in competition. They play for hours every day. There are clubs in every town and competitions all over the world. Not to mention Internet sites to troll. Levels to attain. Statistics to track. Tournaments to enter. Regulation books to memorize. Scrabble has no boundaries.

And when the Scrabblers aren’t actually competing, they’re memorizing lists of words, testing themselves with anagrams and looking for anything that will give them an edge in using their brain more effectively. (I know, if they were using Shiva Nata they could take the game to a new level, but that’s not the point).

So competition is bad?

Not necessarily. When competition defines you, it’s bad. When you allow yourself to only feel as good as someone else has ranked you, that’s a problem. Bottom line: when outside legitimacy becomes the internal standard, you’re going to end up with Big Issues.

I’m not saying that Scrabble messed these people up. Many had issues before they found Scrabble. A lot of them were drawn to the world of professional Scrabble because of obsessive, detail-oriented tendencies. And if you hang out with anyone (especially yourself) for any degree of time, you are going to end up uncovering a lot of “stuff”. We all have our “stuff”. Learning how it works and what we can do about it is one of the amazing and rewarding challenges of being alive.

And competition is always going to bring up your “stuff”.

What you want to be able to do is to meet yourself where you are, with your stuff, and figure out what yet-to-be-met need is hiding underneath your stuff.

Meeting the Need — Case #1:

One of my coaching clients has a fledgling yoga teaching business. She’s dealing with a lot of angst around competition, and what-ifs about her students outgrowing her. And on top of that, there’s an extra layer of guilt for not being able to just let go of the worry. When we dug in and uncovered her needs, there was a lot asking to be acknowledged: needs for appreciation, trust, support and stability.

We took this information, and worked on creating reminders that the worry is natural, normal and temporary. Talking to the needs erased the guilt and helped the worry disappear. She realized that as her students become successful teachers in their own right, their success reflects back to her, and also gives her the opportunity to help them with their own competition issues when that time comes. Without the worry, the situation reframed itself practically on its own.

Meeting the Need — Case #2:

There was a nice piece in the most recent issue of Inc. Magazine in which Norm Brodsky gives advice to a guy who had just learned that Starbucks was moving in around the corner from his tiny cafe. Of course Inc. isn’t into the whole “need oriented” approach, but it’s clear from the article that the owner’s needs were to feel 1. safe and 2. appreciated.

Brodsky helped the owner meet these needs by reminding him of the power of the personal story behind the business. Together they were able to take advantage of the unique ingredients that make his warm, homey, happy coffee shop what it is. Meeting the owner’s needs uncovered the differentiator. Focusing on the home-grown, community-oriented face of his business helped the coffee shop owner set off on a successful campaign to champion the cafe. Sure, the Starbucks is there, but he doesn’t worry anymore.

Letting go of the need for outside legitimacy
Need-meeting is hard. It’s scary to look at places of hurt and vulnerability. That’s why it’s normal to want to ignore them or bulldoze through them. The trick is being willing to practice saying to yourself, “Okay, here I am. Here’s my stuff. Here’s what’s going on for me right now. How can I help?”

The truth is, there is always competition.

If you’re dealing with people around you who need to do everything better than you do, just recognize their need for acknowledgment. Recognize your own need for acknowledgment. Give yourself the support and encouragement you need so that you can separate your “stuff” from their “stuff”.

And if you’re dealing with business competition, there will be times when you’ll need to work hard to differentiate yourself. And there will be times when you’ll need to work hard to recognize the goals and dreams you and your competitors have in common. The most important thing is that through the entire process your focus is on your needs: figuring out what they are and how you can meet them.

A useful reminder phrase: “Even though I’m stuck in this competition cycle, I am ready to let go of the need for outside legitimacy, so that I can be the one to remind myself how great I am.”

It’s counter-intuitive, but it works. And here’s the zinger of the paradox: the better you are at releasing the need for outside legitimacy, the more likely you are to receive praise and support from others. The trick is developing an internal system of encouragement and support that feels real for you. Anything from the outside is just a pleasant reflection of that system, but it doesn’t determine your value. The good stuff comes from within.

Take your time. The best practice is just looking for a need in any given situation, and letting that need talk to you. This communication will help you come up with great answers. And later you can take those answers and, if it still seems important to you, kick butt on the Scrabble board. Or in my case, the Boggle board. As they say in the yoga world, it’s all practice.

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