Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
I am exhausted.
But it’s the happy kind of exhausted.
What worked?
Silent retreat.
Seriously. It solves all the things.
Keeping the phone in airplane mode.
It’s like silent retreat for your phone!
Except I don’t like that phrase, so I will have to rename it.
Ship mode?
The point is, less interference. This was good.
Asking for reminders.
And then finding that they were already there.
Next time I might…
Pre-birthday planning.
It sneaks up on me.
Even when I plan to not let it sneak up on me!
So maybe planning isn’t the right word. Hmm.
Anyway, here I am a week before it happens, and I haven’t made space for my chrysalis.
Putting a little green bead here as a reminder.
And also whispering: Havi Bell. My love. All timing is right timing. And this — especially this — is right timing. This is going to turn out to be exactly right. And all you have to do is breathe and remember: Nothing Is Wrong.
Conduct even more!
I conducted like crazy this week. But you know what?
More conducting, please.
Things I found challenging.
- Deadlines.
- Missing a nap.
- Everyone is in town! I want to see everyone!
- Disappearing stone.
- On Sunday I walked all the way to my favorite place to lay with a project and take a nap, only to be driven away by the loudest car alarm ever.
- On Toozday, I took a cab all the way across town to go to a workshop, only to find that I couldn’t get into the building.
- Running into someone else’s scarcity monsters, reflecting back at me.
- Someone else’s Ludicrous Fear Popcorn triggering my Ludicrous Fear Popcorn. Having to remember that all fear is both legitimate and also slightly ridiculous.
- Two weeks in a row of no Fake Beach Day. Saddest face ever.
- Oh dear lord the amount of time and effort it took to get the Floop ready to go, even though we had prepped everything months ago. Unbelievable.
- Achy head
- Boundaries.
- Working on boundaries.
Things I delighted in.
- I’m finding all the systems holes and this is good!
- Thanks for the redirection! Both times that I went to the place that was not the right place, I ended up at an even better place. So it all worked out. Of course.
- Sweet joyful time with my playmate. Especially a long lazy Saturday morning.
- All the flowers.
- Mystery bagels with Taylor on Monday and Thursday.
- The stone returned.
- The best kind of surprises.
- (Thank you, Rudi, for planting the superpower of Good Surprises at Rally last week, I had nothing but good surprises this week!)
- A very calm, very quiet slightly-adventurous adventure with Galen, a good person to have a very calm adventure with.
- Successfully training beloved housemate to add the word soccer to the phrase “I have some bad news”. Yes. Some bad SOCCER news. Thank god. This has reduced the anxiety in my life by oh, let’s see, one hundred percent.
- New verb for standing watch at Stompopolis! Watering the watch.
- Stompopolis! Everything about Stompopolis! My dream of all Rally all the time: it is a reality at Stompopolis.
- Flirting outrageously without speaking.
- Remembering the two most important things in life: Shit Is Not About Me. And also, the corollary to that: Shit Is Also Not About Them.
- Awesome bout Friday where my Guns N Rollers kicked ass and also I got to sit with people I love watching other people I love do the thing I love. Wow.
- Fun people to play with.
- Marisa
- Foxy Jess! And the amazing tiniest-schmoo-schmoo-schmoo books she found for Stompopolis.
- Being Bond Girl.
- Oh, man. I got so much done this week!
- Dancing my ass off..
- Bond Girl solved my birthday conundrum.
- Tiniest-schmoo neighbor is now totally talking all the time and actually said, “Good morning, Havi! How are you?”. Admittedly at the prompting of his mama, but still. Neato.
- The 2013 Floop set sail away yesterday. EMBARKING.
- The Year of Emptying and Replenishing also set sail yesterday. I am so thrilled about both of these marvelous adventures!
- Boundaries. Are the best. Glowing radiant boundaries.
- I feel happy and peaceful.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed this week:
The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this op is done, baby! It is often shortened to WHAM boom.
Operation WATCH HEART Wham boom!
Mission Winning At Pants Wham boom!
Operation High Fives And High Tens Wham boom!
And so many other ops. I can’t even remember them all. This was a big week.
Whoosh Ha Mastadon Boom! Wham Boom! Wham Boom!
You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
Knowing that whatever I chose, it would be fine.
And a superpower I want next week.
More of the same please.
And also a dose of Smiling The Just Right Smile.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band:
Triple Bork Diamond
Thank you, Mr. Von Wink. Aka Kyle.
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
If you have already been to a Rally, I have a lovely surprise for you coming up.
If you’re in Portland The Younger (the one in Oregon), come to Stompopolis and do some pop-ins!
Other than that, I recommend the class on TIME.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Hallo Friday!
What Worked:
Doing a little bit of everything. Some Spanish homework, a little yoga, a little hooping, a little reading – all adds up to getting a little further down the road while not having commitment issues or Iguana problems, since it’s only 10 minutes (unless you get sucked in and keep doing it.)
The Hard:
Not hearing back from people I wanted to hear back from. Having to remember not everyone is on my time table.
Not knowing anything about the world I want to enter.
Potential client not liking me. And me not liking them. And their canceling the meeting.
The Good:
Told the office mate my plans and she was happy for me.
Interviewish sort of meeting set up.
Having my business coach who says “use me, i know about that world, i will help you.”
New potential client that I liked called right after the wrong one canceled. Remembering that the right ones will find me.
A run this morning! And spring is coming. Just as it always does.
Cheers, Chickeneers!
What Worked
– laying on the foam roller and rolling out my back (several times a day when I was about to get sick and everyday after work and before bed)
– pausing when typing in my work password to take a breath before entering
– getting enough sleep
Hard Stuff
– telling my work that I wouldn’t be renewing my contract with them for next fall (shock! disbelief! people running into their stuff left and right!)
– getting super sick
– snowy commutes
Good Stuff
– only being sick for one day because I soooo listened to my body and figured out what it needed
– all the love and support expressed by colleagues at the news that I would be leaving
– getting everything done that needed to get done, on time
Super Powers for Next Week
All is Calm. All is Bright.
My first Friday Chicken!
(I tried last week, but the computer ate my post. Twice. I decided it was not meant to be that week.)
The Hard:
I spent a lot of the beginning of the week feeling anxious over whether a co-worker would throw shoes at me over the way I handled a particular situation.
I had been really looking forward to my dear friend C’s visit, but she had to cut it short because of outside circumstances. I think I put more emotional freight on the visit than it could sustain.
At the library where I work as a children’s librarian, a lot of the neighborhood kids who come in after school have anger management issues. Someone fights or gets beaten up after school every week, if not every day–not in the library, of course, but kids bring their “stuff” in. This is a problem that isn’t going to go away, it seems like, and I spend every day on high alert, trying to prevent an incident (and the unpleasant confrontation that follows when I have to ask someone to leave).
Also, I’m a very strong proponent of more alternative/NVCish ways of acting towards kids, but the official policies I have to work with aren’t geared to children, and the person who’s responsible for our security takes a very punishment-based view of things, and a very dim view of any other approach.
All this is hard on me as an HSP, especially when I have to manage the room alone, without my awesome fellow children’s librarian’s support–which I have to do whenever I work the weekend. Like tomorrow. Even though I really like the kids, I kind of dread the situation.
The Good:
The person who I thought might throw a shoe never did, and eventually I realized that there was Ludicrous Fear Popcorn at work.
I discovered this blog last week, as well as Eve’s blog (www.monstertalk.co.uk) and am thoroughly enjoying reading through both and learning a lot!
I got to hang out with C, even if it was for a short time, and I found some cute pants in my size when we went thrifting together.
It isn’t February any longer!
I resolved some stuck that had been keeping me from taking action on a small but important errand.
Happy Almost Birthday Havi!!
xox
Oy…. this week. There was a lot of you.
Some things that worked:
+ having a fun and busy activity that took up twelve hours after the shoe landed, so I didn’t wind up squelching around in the shame-swamp and the fail-fog. ACTIVITY.
+ noticing the tiny markers of progress. Reality may include some stuff-I-don’t-want around Little Lad’s development, but it ALSO includes these tiny markers of progress. What Is Also True.
+ remembering that people are doing the best they can. And sometimes that’s not very well and sometimes that’s shit. But it is the truth. The best they can. And my sadness or pain around that is mine, and the rest is not mine. Sovereignty. Wavering, sure. But there.
+ yoga class. Oh god yes. Gimme!
Some things to try to remember:
– staying up until 3am, even for something fun, is rarely helpful.
– keep track of your gold coins Claire!!! Running out of gold coins is boring and regret-making.
– lie the fuck down on the floor and turn off the freaking fone for fuggs ache!! If you keep ignoring your body it will start to break down on you and send you sharp messages about it like the ones coming through your knee all day today.
Things I found challenging:
– preparing for and having a meeting with the Dept. Education rep re Little Lad’s application for school support funding. Especially when the shoe landed. Right on the newly tender spot. And forgetting it’s his job to throw shoes because the system is FAARRKED. *shakes fist*
– sense memories of traumas that aren’t even mine. Seeing the pieces fitting together. Can’t get into it yet to process, just letting it all sink in (or rise up really) to consciousness.
– reconfigurations of relationships. How to be in places where my role was always laid out for me and now I do not wish to play that role. Or more precisely, how to be when other people set things up so it’s very obvious and uncomfortable that they want me to play the old role and now I am not. And I think ???them setting this all up SO THAT I will feel uncomfortable and regret not playing along??? Like a screwy lure back to the comfort of a familiar role. ?? I don’t know. Years of training have wired me to be paranoid about traps within traps.
– lack of organisation (and then lack of gold to buy my solutions) bringing What’s-The-Point, Nummmbbbbbit and Fuckit-I’m-Fifteen-And-Sulky to a party in my head. And that ended in feeding my kids McDonalds for dinner. Ugh.
Things that I delighted in:
+ my kids. Oh man, they are sweet. I am not really built for this full-time parenting gig but the good bits are so freaking good it’s easy to remember that this is temporary and it’s all going to work out okay. Love and sweetness can be intense and that can be hard but mostly it is something I can delight in.
+ puns. And business ideas that are both hilarious and genius.
+ my friends and safe spaces.
+ Floop!
+ Festivus! Just have a Christmas dinner whenever you want! Brilliant!!
+ The Carpenters. I am so daggy and adorable.
+ biggification is coming. Movement and action in the hard are coming. Seeds have been planted and I am waiting and the time will come when things sprout. And I am actually trusting this instead of thinking I have to get busy DOING something! wooooaaahhh…. (that’s a Keanu in Bill and Ted era ‘woooah’)
xoxoxoxo
Cheers Chickeneers!
Interesting note: I was about to put off this chicken until later, when from outside my window, a no-shit-really FROG made this really cool “ribbit” noise, and I had to comment so I could add it to my week.
Oy! The week! How draggy it was.
What worked:
+ Boundaries.
+ Shiva nata.
+ Being patient and waiting for epiphanies to arrive. No sweat if they take a bit of time, just the way this works.
Next week:
Bed. On time. Not kidding about this. Sleep is Gooooooooood.
The Hard:
– The shoe my boss casually tossed at me at the tail end of last week rebounded for a solid *smack* on Monday. Ow. Really? Could have gone better.
– Sulky unappreciated teenage me led the V this week. Boy, she is not much fun to be around. Sorry, self, but she’s not.
– Still in the middle of very long term relationship reconfiguration (Thanks, Claire, that’s a much better term than what I’d come up with)
– Actively trying to think about relationships and my role in them, and oh oh oh how much being aware of being vulnerable aches!
– Really wishing I wasn’t so invisible. Can’t make the guys at work stop to listen to what I know. It’s not about processes or tools, it’s about systems and culture.
– Dealing with all of this, all week = Just Exhausting. I just want to crawl back into bed with all the blankets and a book.
– The hubs still doesn’t really get boundaries. I remind him that we agreed that X time is time together, and he looks at me like I suddenly turned purple. I put up a velvet rope, and he walks right through it.
The Yay:
+ Philosophy class going very well. Going to be sad when it’s over.
+ Epiphanies! I understand the systems that caused the problem that caused the shoe. Sort of.
+ Epiphanies II! Being aware of vulnerability may huuuurt, but it’s also good for me to see that and the monsters trying to protect it.
+ Chirpy tree frog companions
+ Early Spring Flowers. And Chirping Bird Chorus. Love these!
Magical Powers:
This week: Seeing all the Systems
Next week: Containers
This week!
The hard:
Thing hanging over my head I am still too tired to take on also a little pissed about.
Driving to an appointment knocked me out a long time
Many days of too late schedule made sleep difficult
I quit sugar again after several months of it not being too big a deal, but oh good lord I was like a one-woman Russian novel plus totally incapable of getting off the couch by the second day. I was too tired to even voice my misery. My mouth couldn’t make the words. The levels of doom were totally blowing my mind. Everything seemed soooooooo horrible. I realized how much I usually have a natural buoyancy and without it I am lost, yikes what if it *never comes back!?!?*
The good:
The next day it was back I was fine. Perky. I cleared out kitchen cupboards.
I got to see D and she said months of downtime were important just at the artist level even without the physical stuff to consider
Swedish Wallander is like an adorable red headed crime fighting Jimmy Carter
Helpful stories online
Schedule hissy fit accomplished new, functional schedule and earlier sleep
Massive new journal is being fun, it is so large, so much space
I ordered cheap mermaidy wigs to celebrate all this Pisces
I did a tiny bit of shivanata
New level of major self care on horizon
What worked:
Waiting a day, not pushing, schedule hissy fit
What I wd do differently:
Know that driving is too much, know that after too much there is an exaustion day then at least one if not two play/puttering days
Superpower I had: waiting it out.
Superpower I want for next week: feeling capable and excited and magical speed of getting the thing done
The hard:
Over-vivid, stressful, waking-me-up-in-the-night dreams, at least two every night. After three weeks of this feeling tired and fed up with it. Bah!
The tired – the last couple of days I’ve just been feeling zonked.
Not being able to get to sleep until 4am the next morning after the charity night.
Knowing that I need to do something that is hard and sucky.
Slight money related hiccups.
Frustration and annoyance regarding a certain situation that’s completely out of my hands.
Perishing cold and grey.
The Good:
Favourite cafe opened today, and went and enjoyed amazing delicious food and tea, their beautiful, snug interior and said hello to their lovely dog. Perfect way to spend a cold, grey February afternoon.
Charity night at the restaurant went incredibly well and raised £1500. My first time organising an event! Much yaying all round.
Reading so many awesome books.
Also taking time to just rest when exhausted.
Kitty snuggles and general feline adorableness.
The 2013 Floop!
My Modcloth order arrived – so much love. Am very much enjoying wearing my red polka-dot flicky-outey skirt.
Monster colouring and related epiphanies.
A feeling of something shifting.
What worked:
Resting.
Appreciating all the ‘little things’
Organising!
Dancing.
What I might try differently:
Next time I’m hosting/running an event, mutliply the amount of preparation time by about four, and divide the amount of time I think I’ll have to do stuff on the night by about four.
Less putting-off of the action part of difficult decisions when I’ve already made them.
Saturday night clucking-in….
What worked?
* gentle nagging
* the new sunscreens!
* the sheep-shaped flashcards 🙂
What might I try next?
* simpler meals for the next fortnight. AKA fewer dishes to wash.
* stretching
Challenging/annoying:
* replacement glasses finally arrived — and they feel lopsided. Grr.
* weird zits. WTF?
* gum trouble. Which is a monster trigger.
* feeling WAY out of shape when I’m on the bike.
* feeling like I can’t trust a favorite source on [x].
* 12 pieces rejected
* real-estate stress
Delightful/awesome:
* a plan B worked out better than the plan A
* 3 acceptances and 1 maybe
* not having to drive anywhere while it’s snowing
* doing math problems with a chocolate-scented pencil and a glass of chardonnay (and getting 119/123 right). Studying as an adult RULES. 😀
* successfully locked the bike during errands. First time ever, so this is crazy-huge for me. \o/
* friend’s operation went well
Superpowahs? Superpowahs!
This week: staying (relatively) upright in the iguana rodeo. With good hair, too! 🙂
Next week: letting things come to me. Which somehow will be in sync with me getting in the saddle for [y] even when I don’t feel like it.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Oh, tired chicken, I shall treat you tenderly.
What worked? Keeping cool under pressure. I have come a long way, baby.
Next time I might… Drink more water.
Hard: Money stuff. Yet, it’s also good, because we’re still here, still keeping things together.
Good: Stompopolis! I am now and forever a Friend of Stompopolis, and I am dreaming happy dreams of visiting there someday. My enthusiasm is a colorful, crazy patchwork quilt, and I am wrapping myself in its cozy warmth. Stompopolis! I love you!
This week’s superpower: Smooth Sailing.
Next week’s superpower: Sparkling in all directions.
I totally read “Spanish homework” as a proxy at first. A really awesome proxy. Just wanted to say that made my day.
Has it really been a week already? Hmm. I should alert the internal scientists. Just a quick-en chicken, then.
Hard:
• Three zombie days in a row.
• Skin. Still. Ugh.
• Cancellations.
• Getting caught up in the story, and then brought back to earth with a hard jolt.
• No time for drawing after all. Sad face.
• No proper goodbye (or hello, for that matter) for February, since I was away for half of it. Felt a bit short-changed at times.
Good:
• Still a LOT of Wham-boom in my few non-zombie days.
• Didn’t fight the zombiness this time; came out of it more smoothly and transitioned right into Wham-boom.
• Spent some quality time with my business (and started a Biz Book of Me), and the path ahead lit up.
• Some seriously *brilliant* biz ideas showed up.
• In my Gwish Kit calendar, I named February the moon of “Crossroads” and March the moon of “Embarking.” Those names could not be more perfect, or more true.
Superpowers this week:
Everything takes exactly the amount of time it’s supposed to take.
Superpowers I’d like next week:
Hitting the ground running. Exercising the privilege.
Sending good birthday wishes to Havi, and a lovely week to all!
Happy Weekend! (it’s Sunday here)
What worked?
– Talking to my supervisor and colleagues about how much I’m struggling.
– Going home early when I couldn’t cope.
– Double checking I book out “reflection and time away from doing STUFF” to make sure I haven’t got too much going on at once.
– Making lists and colour coding them.
Next time I might…
– Start designating “reflection time” a week or two in ADVANCE ~ Booking out a colour coded “Do not use this time for anything” on my calendar. That way colleagues can’t even ask to book a slot of time with me then.
Things I found challenging.
– Emotions.
– Tuesdays. Early start, NO BREAK AT ALL (how is that even possible?!) and late finish.
– Deadlines.
– Wanting to see friends but also needing time alone.
– Dealing with a group argument. Unsure which side, if any, I’m on.
– Being ill.
– Children who have no boundaries.
– Being left alone with 2 crying babies, a leaking ceiling and a six year old and nearly breaking down in tears because of it.
– My grandfather’s Alzheimer’s has officially removed my O.H. of six years from his memory. And my graduation. Sads and frustrations and heartbreak.
– My first official rejection from a publisher.
Things I delighted in.
– Comforting talks with my O.H.
– I bought myself cake
– An evening to myself
– Novel-writing
– Catching up with old friends online
– I started to clean my flat after nearly 3 weeks of neglecting. Feeling much fresher and able to continue cleanings today!
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
Creating space and breaks. Even when other people said there was no time, I went to the loo and stood for five minutes finding my balance again.
And a superpower I want next week.
The power to communicate what I need more effectively.
Happy Birthday for Thursday, Havi. Happy life x 2.
I call airplane mode “nap mode”. I live in a regional area with terrible mobile reception, so I have to put my phone in nap mode every night, otherwise it runs around frantically all night looking for a signal and it’s too tired in the morning to let me check my emails. (And the silent mode switch is broken, so I also put my phone into nap mode when I’m on a secret mission, which is what I’m currently calling a job interview. Then it can’t make noise and give me away!)
I used to call it “fuzzy blanket mode” (I’m putting a fuzzy blanket between me and the world!) but it always bothered me that I didn’t have an actual fuzzy blanket.
Oh week, there was so very much of you
WHat worked: Exiting the day, esp lights out by 10:30, Conducting, chucking time, humming. Noticing and remembering the superpowers of Everything is Really Okay.
Next time: More moving, more blowing off housework.
the suck:
-i have my own BondGirl proxy (Natasha) and these past few weeks I have done nothing even close to like a Bond Girl.
-I’m not even Mrs. Moneypenny this week, let alone a BondGirl
-major DOOM issues with oldest kid’s schooling. Drama, panic, worry. all is well now but holy crow it was drama.
-constantly sad frustrated and whiny 6 year old
-THREE days of migraines, including Friday! the suck!!!
-freindly dogs. no idea what to do about this: soem are missing, some i dotn want to play with, worried i’m missing something byu spending so much time there
-ugly ass coldsore on lip, entire head full of poison. pain and ugliness
-so not “complete” with girlfriend J. lots of unhappy and envy and jealousy. not my best self dealing with this
-not integrating new routines, not Flailing regulalry. not hitting many of my Best Practices
-opver 140#s which is out of the comfort zoen and now my fat-pants are too tight
-i’m late on garden chores already and the snow is still piled in the yard. see under: no break ever.
-i blew off the dishes with the husband’s blessing, which was nice, but then had to watch the dishes pile upbecause NO ONE else does dishes
-discovered reason for dirty dishes in cupbaords: FIL turns on dishwasher by accident when he clses it, then lets it run a fullo cycle WITHOUT soap, does not stop the dishwasher or alert anyone. trying not to take away lesson: i have to do everything myself.
the sparkle:
-i got a raise! alomist 30%. VERY good news for everyone
-which means I can now schedule monthly body work out of operating funds!
-good help and support from BosunKelly and the other captains
-slowly getting back on rails
-good sleep, naps, pausing, Conducting
-big picture peices coming closer toegther.
-newe adventures for the Sloop!
-Embarking! The YEAR has started and I’ve been mixing those capers into my day, with great success. Can’t wait to see what comes next.
-lots of tools and hints and clews and support and dear friends and good stuff everywhere
-taking better careof myself than ever, including yoga, moving and humming